Episode 3:7 - (Don't) Die hard in Traditions

Is your marriage stuck in a rut??

Darren and Paige have been talking recently about being stuck in a rut, kind of bored, and very predictable. When they aren’t traveling or at something for the kids, they watch a show. Until the show ends, they are in a show hole. Or they go out to dinner, but what else can you do…

A few weeks ago, they would go out on a date. Paige made 2 jars with restaurants to take the “where should we go” out of it. Then Paige had an idea for a date. Head to Kohls and you each pick out two outfits for each other to try on, something you would like to see your partner in (Paige said no lingerie). Then they went into a big dressing room and had a lot of fun trying on clothes together and seeing what each other would pick out. 

What else can we do to not be bored:

Could you ask yourself why you feel bored?
-It's important not to try to fix boredom but to consider the reason behind your feelings.
You can take responsibility for changing.
- Now that you’ve assessed the issues around why your marriage has become stale, maybe it's time to make a change. Babysitter for young children, dinner, day trip, weekend getaway. Make it your job to think outside the box and step out of the ordinary.
Consider what you used to do when you weren't bored. 
- When you first got married, you probably made eye contact in conversation and focused on one another. Sometimes, familiarity needs to be revisited. There are emotions and stories that only you share. You can take a trip down memory lane.
Be Spontaneous.
Change up your routine. Have a picnic. Instead of turning on the TV, turn on some music and dance. If you are bored with your routine, change it. You do that when you decide to be spontaneous.
You can start a new habit together.
To avoid a boring marriage, it might be time to do something exciting together. Maybe decide to make one day a week special, like Milkshake Monday. Take a class together. Grow and learn together. 

The article used in the podcast. https://www.markmerrill.com/5-things-boring-marriage/

Darren & Paige, the hosts of "Where's the Lemonade?" recently sparked debate with their episode discussing whether leaving young kids unattended is okay. While opinions vary on appropriate ages and circumstances, most agree child maturity levels differ. This complex issue has many gray areas.

Viral Story Prompts Discussion

The conversation began when co-host Darren read a viral story about a woman who spotted two young siblings left alone for an extended time at SeaWorld while the parents rode rollercoasters. This prompted the hosts to explore whether this constitutes neglectful parenting or a reasonable level of independence.

Cultural and Generational Differences

Darren and Paige note that attitudes toward leaving kids unattended vary by culture. Some countries like Finland commonly go babies outside in strollers alone. They speculate whether American parents are overly cautious due to heightened abduction fears. As kids themselves decades ago, their parents likely had different standards.

Data Diving: Child Abduction Statistics

While kidnapping stories spread quickly online, data reveals stranger abductions are extremely rare. Out of thousands of missing child reports yearly, only 20-30 are actual abductions, per FBI statistics. Accurate information could reshape societal views on acceptable parenting choices.

State Laws and Judgment Calls
Most states allow parents discretion, with no set ages dictating readiness. The hosts agree each child matures differently, so fixed rules are unwise. While vigilance is vital, granting needed independence should be weighed carefully rather than judged harshly. Open minds and compassion for others allow thoughtful discussion on this complex issue.

Lemonade Moment of the week
The boys are headed back to school, which gives more structure to our lives, but we are also losing another kid to College this year. We will miss having Madeline around.

Links

• https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kidnapping_in_the_United_States#
• https://www.pennlive.com/news/2019/07/attempted-abductions-by-strangers-is-very-rare-expert.html

We just had a wedding!! Julianne and Boyd were married this past weekend and it made us think about the balancing act that they had to do between 3 different families. 
How can we help them in their balancing act? 
There are always going to be big events  that you have to attend with your coparent and possibly a significant other. How  can we make this easier on the kids?
Over time this evolves too. It can also ebb and flow depending on your relationship with your ex.
Polite and friendly should be the very least you should do. 

Dear Mom and Dad,
The operative word here Mom and Dad is My events. You are a guest here and I ask you to act accordingly. My events include but are not limited to:
1. My teacher’s conferences.
2. My athletic events.
3. My musical recitals.
4. My birthday party.
5. My school plays.
6. My school graduations
And later
7. My Prom
8. My going to college
9. My wedding
So here are some guidelines which I ask if you can’t follow, best you postpone coming until you can.
Your Divorce, My Event
My life outside my family’s divorce is very important to me. It is also what keeps me sane in this world called “figuring out two houses by myself.” Whenever I play soccer, I only want to focus on playing soccer. If divorced parents come to watch our games, I don’t want the two of you to stand out. I also prefer you don’t rush to bring your latest “squeeze” and I won’t be able to tell you my preference. When you both have new people in your life, Dad I don’t want you to call Mom’s BF a Pr$%^& and Mom I don’t want you to call Dad’s GF a Wh)(&^*. Yes, this has happened to other kids way too often.
If you use my events to vent your anger at each other, I suffer the most. I am embarrassed, ashamed, and I let my team down because I can’t focus on the game. Keep your divorce out of my events! Don’t use my events for your anger.
Be concerned about me!
Whenever you come to my teacher’s conference remember why you are there. Hopefully, you are there to see how I am adjusting to being the child of divorced parents. My teacher’s conference is not a place for you to compete for who is being a better parent. Ask my teacher how she thinks I am doing and what you can do to be a better parent for Me! My teacher’s conference is an opportunity for you to find out about my welfare. It is an opportunity for you both to make my life easier by listening to my teacher’s recommendations.
Respect Me!
My school graduations, music recitals, school plays, and even my birthday are my events. Therefore, Once again you are a guest! Ask me if I have any requests from you. Do I care if you sit together or apart? Let me know who is bringing me and who is taking me home. If you have feelings about any of the logistics, work it out with your therapist.
I understand if I have one or two contentious divorced parents you will always sit away from each other. Don’t scream or yell at each other it is my event. Never try to make me feel guilty if I hug both of you and am nice to both of you. Don’t tell me I can’t say Hi to my other parent or even try to keep me from greeting my other parent. Yes, this also happens all too often to kids. Once again remember this is an important event for me. Remember it is not about either of you!
Move On
The more you do your inner work and move on from the divorce the better things will be for me. I don’t want to be your confidant. I have to figure out love after going through the trauma of my parent’s divorce.
And, I cannot figure out your love life so zip it. When I go off to college, leave home, get married, and/or all the normal things people do, I expect you both to be focused on what I need not each other and your unfinished business. By the time I get married and I have to figure out how to handle two families to my finances one please understand. Divorce doesn’t have to be the end of the world. Divorce doesn’t have to be the most traumatic event of a child’s life. When parents divorce as adults, get an adequate support system, reinvent themselves, and move on we all benefit. So to recap:
1. Remember it is my event and you are a guest.
2. Remember no anger allowed at my event.
3. Remember no unfinished business at my event.
4. Remember I will be greeting and hugging both of you.
5. Remember ask about how I am doing if appropriate.
6. Remember I want all of us to happily land on our feet.
It’s pretty simple really. My events are important to me and for me. Please use them to be the great parent I know you can be.

Lemonade moment of the week:
Broken down car, Broken garage door, Rain, cold, Nothing could stop the wedding.

Links:
⦁ https://www.divorcemag.com/blog/how-to-attend-an-event-as-co-parents
⦁ https://backbonepower.com/etiquette-for-divorced-parents-attending-their-childs-events/

Darren and Paige have heard about Nacho parenting and always thought it was definitely not for them, but they only had heard about extreme Nacho parenting. After a dive into what it really is, Paige is not totally against it; she can see why some families would adopt this type of parenting in a blended family. So let's take a look.

Definition of “Nachoing”:
People often ask, what is Nachoing? The Facebook response is usually “Nacho Kids, Nacho Problem.” Well, not quite. The stepkids can definitely be a problem for you. It’s “Nacho Kids, Nacho Responsibility.” The stepkids are not the responsibility of the stepmom/stepparent.
The Nacho Kids method is a philosophy and methodology for blended families that consists of proven techniques and strategies, the psychology of human interaction, the mind, personalities, personal life experiences, and a track record of positive client results.
“Nachoing” as it is often referred to as, or using the Nacho Kids method, is stepping back from situations that cause you and/or your blended relationship stress and realizing when you feel you have “no control,” you actually have the ultimate control. And that is how you let it affect you.

Nachoing is to:
• Treat the stepkid as you would a friend’s kid.
• Allow the bio parent to parent their own kid as they deem fit.
• Not engaging in negative and unhealthy interactions with the stepkids.
• Act as a babysitter in the absence of the bio parent.
• Say nothing about, or to, the stepkids unless it’s sheer praise.
• Remove the target off your back and no longer be the “bad guy.”
• Have no interaction with your significant other’s ex (the other bio parent).
• Let go of the things you cannot control and realize the ultimate control is to control how you let these things affect you.
• Help the stepkid if they ask you for help. That help can be by responding with, “Go Ask Your Dad.”

A breakdown of the Nacho Kids method:
• Understanding you are not their mom legally, biologically, nor through osmosis or a genie in a bottle. They have a mom and a dad, and you are neither.
• Learning how to step back from the chaos.
• Identifying your personal triggers, the roots of those triggers, and how to avoid/cope with “unhealthy” interactions.
• Understanding why the blend is so hard and how even our minds play against the blend being successful.
• Focusing on your blended relationship or marriage, not the stepkids or your significant other’s ex.
• Being supportive of your significant other in their parenting role. It’s their job to parent. It’s your job to be their partner.
• Creating the “stepparent” role that works best for you and your blended family.
• Re-engaging with the stepkids in the role you designed to fit your blend!

Lemonade Moment of the Week:

Great trip with the kids to Italy. Hard time adjusting the the time change when they got back.

Ok, so we all hear the saying, "Don't go to bed Angry." You probably hear this marriage advice at almost all weddings or bridal showers. Is it that important not to go to bed angry? Paige does not subscribe to this myth at all. Just the opposite. She feels that going to sleep during an argument is like a time-out. And then, when you wake up, it doesn’t seem nearly as bad. On the other hand, Darren would love to hash it out until it’s all resolved and then go to bed since he usually doesn’t sleep if he is in an argument. 

One of the reasons that they say not to go to bed angry is because it’s typically difficult to sleep if you are angry. But what could be worse than going to bed angry is staying up and arguing...

Here's what might happen if you stay up and argue:

1.      Become more tired.

2.      Think less clearly.

3.      Get angrier the later it gets.

4.      Get more triggered.

5.      Say worse things.

6.      Get more hurt.

So instead of fixating on trying to get thru this fight so that you can get to bed, focus on what would help calm the situation down. Focusing on calming the energy will help you reduce the chance you'll get to bed angry and reduce the fighting. 

In 85% of couples, one person is the pursuer, and the other is the distancer.  There’s no crime in being either.  Pursuers look to “finish the discussion” to reduce relationship distress.  Distancers use the strategy of pausing an argument and using natural decay of energy to reduce distress.  

Work on the Calm. If the argument isn’t getting resolved and you’re going in circles, try to pause the situation and resume at an agreed-upon time to check-in. This does not mean you are just sweeping the argument under the rug; you still need to discuss whatever upset you, but give it a minute to calm down.

This is a complex skill to learn, pausing,  but it can be helpful with some effort. This might not work for everyone, some might want to keep going at it, but I say, get some sleep and some distance!

Lemonade moment of the week - 

Julianne and Boyd are getting married, and the rehearsal dinner is out of the house, accelerating the "honey-do" list to 6 six weeks instead of 3 years.

Links: 

• https://www.heartfeltcounselingmn.com/blog/2020/1/30/marriage-myth-dont-go-to-bed-angry - Paige’s opinion
• https://www.verywellmind.com/never-go-to-bed-angry-the-pros-and-cons-of-this-practice-5214352 - Darren's Opinion

Let's start with a frequently asked question in divorced households: 

When my child goes to their dad’s house, he has different rules. When they come home, they think they can do whatever they want.  I am tired of the battle. How can I help them adjust to the different house rules? 
This is a brilliantly asked question about a common problem in divorced households. The question is not, “How can I get my ex to parent like me or to agree with me?” By the way, if you ask your ex to do this, they will most likely NOT just because it's you asking. But the question is, “How can I help my child adjust between the two homes?” Brilliant. This is not focusing on your ex, which you have no control over; this is focusing on your child.
The answer is complicated… Managing the different rules, expectations, and personalities is challenging for the entire family. This can be highly emotional, and there’s likely to be some conflict as you figure out what works best for you, your child, and her father.  But you can help your child understand and respect the different expectations of each parent without battles while still enjoying the time she spends with both of you.
The article we are referencing for this topic talks about perspective and how it starts with YOU. 
Perspective
Think about your attitude and how you are responding to this situation. If you— understandably—feel angry or stressed, your child will likely feel this way, too. Your words, tone of voice, facial expressions, and body language all communicate how you feel.
Try to take the perspective of your child’s father {or mother). For example, like other divorced fathers, he may try to make up for the divorce by letting her do whatever she wants, so there is little conflict while they are together or by buying gifts to compensate for the loss. If you understand your child’s father’s motives, it may make this situation more manageable.
Whether or not you and your child’s father can work on this together, the task for you is to help your child—as you put it—“adjust between the different house rules.”
• Ask your child questions encouraging a back-and-forth conversation, not just a yes or no answer. Ask: “How does it feel to have different rules at your dad’s and my house?” The more your child talks about her feelings, the better she can understand and respond to other people’s points of view.
• Set boundaries about the rules. Although your child may like one set of rules better than the other, it’s best to be direct about the fact that the rules are different, and it is her responsibility to follow both sets of rules.
• Consistency and Follow Through. Keep your rules consistent, and follow through with the consequences you have decided on. Your child depends on you to stay reliable even if things feel unstable.
• Focus on the Positive. If you focus on the negative or get into battles, try reinforcing positive actions by commenting on them, like: “It was so helpful that you threw the trash into the wastebasket!”
• Assess Yourself. If you are upset about your child’s not following your rules, ask yourself what you expect of her and of yourself. Step back and look at your perspective. Are your expectations realistic? For example, maybe your child can’t finish all her homework at her father’s house. See if you can reach a compromise that works for all of you.

Make a plan together:
 This is the most critical strategy to use. When you and your child engage in a problem-solving process together, you help her learn to gain Executive Function skills.
Executive Functions are the skills we use to manage our thoughts, feelings, and behavior to achieve goals. Studies have found that when children develop Executive Function skills, they are more likely to thrive now and in the future.
Determine the problem. Explain to her that you often battle each other and want to devise better management methods.
• Talk with her about what’s most challenging for her transitioning from one home to another and from one set of rules to another. Please write down the issues she faces without any judgment.
Encourage her to think of ways she might solve these problems.
• Brainstorm as many ways as you can come up with to solve these problems. Again, write them down without judgment.
Evaluate the solutions. Here, you ask your child to take her and others’ perspectives.
• Ask your daughter what will and won’t work for each suggested solution. Have her consider whether it can work for her, you, and her father.
Create a strategy to try out to make things better.
• Decide together which strategy or strategies you will experiment with. Set a time to get back together to discuss how it works.
Evaluate how the solution or solutions are working after some time has passed.
• When you get together to talk about what is working and what isn’t, make sure that you consider each solution from the perspectives of all involved.
When your child takes some responsibility for solving the problems she faces, she is more likely to follow through on the solutions than if she’s told what to do. In effect, you are giving her a skill for life!
Links:
https://www.kith.care/skill/divorced-parents-with-different-rules

Lemonade moment of the week: 
Redoing the laundry room. Frustrating but slowly getting done.

March 2020 was the beginning of a new reality for most of us—kids at home, adults at home, adult kids at home, everyone at home. As time passed, kids went back to school, but many adults continued working from home, which could be a significant change for many of us. There are so many good things about parents being at home, there for the kids, and there to help with the kids; when kids are napping, one parent can be at home while the other runs errands, so they have more time together. Some things may need improvement about both parents being at home, roles requiring clarification, and maybe too much time together. Seeing each other every day, all day, and all night might get annoying and on each other's nerves. Let's talk about how to cope with spending so much time together.

Don’t hold grudges:  When you are constantly together, the only way to get through the day is to either spill or let it go. Always remind yourself to let go of things that aren’t important. If something is bothering you, take a minute and talk about it.

Make time for each other: I know this sounds silly when you spend every day with each other, but you still need quality time together. Plan something fun to do, not just the mundane that is life. Play a game, go for a walk, go out to eat…

Compromise: Spending so much time together, there are going to be things that you are struggling with that your partner is doing. You have to discuss these things and devise a compromise so you don’t go crazy on each other. Maybe it's something as small as you feeling like you are constantly checked up during the day; compromise might be staying in different sections of the house until certain times, like lunch. It might be as simple as changing your approach, but discuss it and meet in the middle.

Admit when you're just fed up: Sometimes, we are in a bad mood and need space. Everything the other person does gets on your nerves; you need space. Let the other person know you are having a bad day so they can be more sensitive and not take too much personally. 

Time Out: Be honest if you need some time alone. Don’t just be grumpy and out of sorts with each other; take time for yourself. Go for a walk by yourself, play pickleball with friends, read a book, watch a show you want to watch all by yourself, whatever you need for a few hours to get away from each other. Absence makes the heart grow fonder…does it?? 

I hope these tips help you cope with so much time together. Please send us any suggestions you might have.

Lemonade moment of the week:
Paige is out of town, so Darren is busy re-doing the laundry room.

Links: 

• https://www.bustle.com/wellness/too-much-time-together
• https://www.lovearoundme.com/blog/too-much-time-together-leads-to-an-unhealthy-relationship
• https://twogetlost.com/how-cope-spending-time-with-partner

 When a relationship is new, you see the world through rose-colored glasses. Everything is fresh and new. As you look at each other, you see someone who is exciting and perfect. Even the world around you seems brighter and happier than before you found each other. In that “new” stage of a relationship, it’s easy to say loving things to each other. Those sweet words come naturally when you are together and then via text or phone at all hours of the day and night apart. 

Over time, however, things start to change. Challenges occur, and flaws emerge. The rose-colored glasses come off, and reality sets in. This is when love begins to morph a bit.  Saying loving things toward each other takes a bit more effort. Love takes more effort, but practice makes perfect! As you weather storms together, you develop a more profound love and appreciation for each other than ever before.

If you’ve been out of that “new” stage for a while and need some ideas to freshen your love up, here we go:

• YOU LOOK GREAT! Compliments work and mean a lot. Don’t hold back. We need to hear it!
• THANK YOU! After you’ve been together for a while, taking each other for granted is normal. Thank you is very simple and extremely important. It’s saying I appreciate what you do for me.
• I THINK YOU’RE AMAZING! We sometimes think that our partner knows magically what we are thinking. So, we stop vocalizing those thoughts.
• I LOVE YOU ANYWAY…When your spouse makes a mistake, it can be challenging for both of you. But what you say at that moment will have a lasting impact. When you say, “I love you anyway,” you’re telling them regardless of the mistake, I will still love you.
• WE’LL GET THROUGH IT! This is saying we’re a team, and I’m on your side. A marriage can go through many trials, and it's essential to make sure your partner feels your love through it.
• YES, I’D LOVE TO! Maybe the theatre or sports aren’t your things, but if your spouse loves those things, show your support. If they ask you and want you to join them, do it. That may not always be the case; sometimes they may want to go with friends or family who have the same love of that thing, but when they want you to go, go.
• I UNDERSTAND - Saying “I understand” really says, “I get you.” It’s a comfort to know that someone gets you without even really having to explain your feelings.
• WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU? One of the most basic definitions of love is putting another’s needs before our own. We may find this easy for our children, but sometimes we forget to do it for our spouse. Remember to ask your spouse, “What can I do for you?” which says, “I want to support you and lessen your burden.” Sacrificing your time for something your spouse needs will strengthen your bond.
• I’M HERE FOR YOU! Remind your spouse that they can always count on you. Always have each other’s backs.
• I LOVE YOU! These 3 simple words should be said every day. They confirm your care and devotion

Do not let one day pass without saying loving things like these to your partner. Always ensure your spouse feels appreciated, validated, safe and secure with you. Pick several short phrases to say daily, and soon you’ll feel more loving toward each other.

Lemonade moment of the week

Paige and Darren attend the youngest of their children's swim meet in the snow!!!

Links

• https://www.verywellmind.com/simple-phrases-keep-you-in-love-4060485

This week Darren and Paige asked their listeners to submit questions that we have not addressed on the show. Some of these questions were hard to answer but we did it anyway. Check out the questions below.

Have you been able to stay friends with other couples who had previously been friends with you & your ex?  If so, have those couple friends become friends with you & your new spouse?

I am always interested in how couples attack the money issue…. I would say that is the hardest part of a marriage, I think kids are the hardest part of a marriage also without kids around what would there be to argue about except for money!

What was the main motivation to decide to jump into the dating scene again after your divorces?

Weren't you scared of getting into a relationship again? Especially with someone who was also divorced?

How did you tell your kids and how did they respond when you told them you were getting remarried and they were going to have to live with step siblings etc? How hard was that?

What advice would you give to someone just very recently divorced? What thoughts, attitudes, or actions help things to go well. Or, with hindsight, what things do you wish you had done differently? Any good survival tips for the frustration times during and early after?

What advice do you have for someone who is a friend watching someone they love go through a divorce?

How did you both deal with being in the same ward and church with Darrens ex?

Lemonade Moment of the Week

This week we went to Yosemite to take in the beautiful waterfalls and incredible views. After a great morning hiking to Vernal Falls, we decided to head over the Yosemite falls and then El Capitan. We hoped in the car and saw a line of cars blocking our way out of the Park. A rockside blocked the road out of the park. We took a detour to Currey Village for a two hour lunch to wait for the traffic to clear. Traffic appeared to be moving so we hopped in the car and headed out of the park. Four hours later we left the park, with great memories of the Park.

Are we saying the wrong things to our kids about the divorce??? Probably!! We think we are saying good healthy things to help our kids thru the divorce, but are we? I know we are just human and we are trying our best. But it is hard, we are stressed, emotional and have never been thru this before, so we are struggling to say the right things and hope that we are. We want to have our kids get thru this devastating life changing with as little trauma as possible. 

Our research department found information from psychologists on what are some phrases we are saying to our kids that we need to stop! I guarantee that we have and maybe still are saying some of these. Lets dig in:

1. “Your dad” or “Your mom” – that tiny addition of the word “your” creates otherness in the family. If you are now saying “your” the child is now hearing a separateness in who they are connecting with. Divorce does create changes in the family dynamic, but honoring how the child sees the parent can help keep a sense of cohesion.   

Nix the “your”. 

1. “The Situation” – You are talking with your friend and the kids are in the room and she brings up “The Situation” and how “The Situation” is affecting everyone.  “When you speak in code, it makes it seem like something sinister is going on.” The more you try to obfuscate what’s happening, the more anxious and curious your kids may become. “ 

Say instead – There are ways to explain divorce that is less abstract. You could even mention people they know who are divorced.

1. “It’s not about you” - When your instinct is to keep your children from thinking they’re to blame for the divorce, this probably feels like a totally logical and constructive response. But according to Dr. Rubenstein, this phrase isn’t specific enough to quell the “well then what caused it?!” anxieties, because for kids, something had to cause it.

“Children have active imaginations and can conjure many scenarios that have nothing to do with the       cause of the divorce,” she tells us. “It’s not about you” also negates the fact that the divorce very much        involves your kids, which, Dr. Rubenstein explains, can wind up complicating your child’s feelings and experiences and what they’re willing to share with you.

Say instead – You can explain that mom and dad are not getting along and don’t feel they can resolve it. Grown ups have adult issues that sometimes cannot be solved, as hard as they try.

1. “This is a good thing” – Sure,it might be a good thing for the family in the long term, but from a child’s persepective…not so much. This phrase sweeps their pain under the rug. “Almost every child wants their parents to be together under one roof. Even if one parent has addiction issues, anger issues, or other things a child can observe, most children want to believe in the fairytale that somehow things will all work out. It is challenging for them to see divorce as a benefit,” 

Say instead – Acknowledge that this is really, really hard on everyone! That your decisions was a last resort made to have the children grown up in a home without fighting or discord. 

1. “You will get double everything! – While this is true, most kids want two parents in the home instead of more things. This is another example of minimizing your child’s feelings, even thought it done out of your desire to protect them. 

Say instead – Emphasize that they will get more quality time with each parent individually. Get them excited about decorating a new room. Get their feedback on their new accomodations.

1. “Not much will change” – This is  lie. And if you tell children a lie, they are less likely to trust you in the future. “For a child, their world is forever changed.”

Say instead – Be honest that things will change, but that change is sometimes good. Yes they will miss certain traditions of family structures, but play up the realistic advantages they can expect. They will model your behavior and reactions in the face of change and learn resiliency.

Lemonade moment of the week
Valentines Day auction adds more neighbor kids.

Links: https://www.purewow.com/family/divorced-parents-phrases-stop-saying?utm_source=flipboard&utm_medium=referral