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    How to be an ‘Artist’ AND be Rich [Business, mindset, entrepreneur, disruptors]

    en-GBDecember 05, 2016

    Podcast Summary

    • Artists can be millionairesArtists can monetize their passions and build successful businesses, debunking the myth that creativity and capitalistic success are mutually exclusive

      It's possible to be both an artist and a millionaire, despite common beliefs that creativity and capitalistic success are mutually exclusive. During his time as an artist, Rob Moore held numerous negative beliefs about money and capitalism, viewing them as negative forces. However, through research for his new book, Money, he discovered that artists like Andy Warhol, Damien Hirst, and Tracy Emin have successfully combined their artistic passions with financial success. Damien Hirst, worth around £198,000,000, emphasizes the importance of respecting money and understanding its role in our lives. By embracing both creativity and capitalism, individuals can build significant businesses around their passions and contribute to society.

    • Merging art, business, and wealthEmbrace self-worth, market creatively, serve others, exchange fairly, leverage, ignore haters, and compound wealth to merge art, business, and financial success.

      Merging passion, profession, and monetization is a powerful way to express oneself and build wealth. The speaker, who went from struggling artist to successful entrepreneur, emphasizes the importance of self-worth, marketing as a means of making money, serving and caring for others, fair exchange, leverage, ignoring haters, and compounding wealth while alive. These principles allowed the speaker to turn their creative vocation into a thriving business and achieve financial success, all while continuing to express themselves artistically. The speaker encourages others to embrace these principles and not wait to start building a successful business and making a profit.

    • Understanding and valuing self-worth for successBelieve in your worth, charge appropriate prices, promote yourself, and be proud without being cocky.

      Recognizing and valuing one's self-worth is crucial for success. The speaker shares how he failed to charge appropriate prices for his art, despite his exceptional talent, because he didn't believe in his worth. He encourages the younger version of himself, and by extension, others, to understand that their skills, experiences, and time are valuable and deserve to be compensated accordingly. Marketing and promoting oneself is also essential for attracting better clients and growing a business. The world doesn't hand out living, and it's up to individuals to share their unique value proposition with the world. The speaker emphasizes the importance of being proud without being cocky and caring for others while relentlessly promoting one's work.

    • Marketing is just as important as creating artDon't let fear or embarrassment hinder your progress. Actively market yourself and embrace new technologies to reach a wider audience and maximize growth.

      Being authentic to yourself and your work is crucial, but it's equally important to actively market yourself and embrace new technologies and opportunities. Fear of ruffling feathers or negative criticism should not hold you back from getting your work seen and building your brand. Damien Hirst's success story serves as an example, as he didn't let criticism deter him from selling his artwork for millions. Instead of retreating into your comfort zone when sales are slow, take action by reaching out to galleries, entering competitions, and utilizing social media platforms. Remember, marketing is just as important as creating art. A missed opportunity for self-promotion can result in lost potential for growth and recognition. Don't let fear or embarrassment hinder your progress. Instead, leverage your accomplishments and learn from past experiences to maximize your exposure and reach a wider audience.

    • Artistic expression evokes strong reactionsUnconventional art can spark controversy and debate, but standing firm in creative freedom can turn a negative situation into a positive one.

      Artistic expression, even if it's unconventional or ironic, can evoke strong reactions from people. The speaker shared an experience from their "dark art days" when they wrote an ironic poem about cats and displayed it on the front of their house, making it look like graffiti. The reaction was intense, with some people accusing them of being evil or even criminal, while others defended their right to creative freedom. The council also got involved, citing planning regulations and traffic safety concerns. Despite the controversy, the speaker stood firm in their artistic expression, turning a potentially negative situation into a conversation starter and a source of local intrigue.

    • Staying true to oneself leads to success despite controversyAuthentic self-expression can lead to success, even if it's controversial. Focus on solving clients' problems and staying true to oneself, while caring for both, can result in financial success and navigating economic downturns.

      Authentic self-expression, even if it ruffles feathers, can lead to success. The speaker shares his experience of creating a controversial art piece that attracted negative attention and legal threats, but also gained him more notice and sales. He emphasizes the importance of staying true to oneself and caring for both oneself and clients in the pursuit of financial success. Despite fears and external pressures, he encourages taking risks and focusing on solving clients' problems through one's work. Ultimately, being in control of one's economy and providing value can help navigate economic downturns.

    • Creating personalized, high-value work and growing as an artistPersonalize work for clients, continually grow prices, leverage time and resources, and ignore haters for constructive criticism.

      To succeed as an artist, it's essential to create personalized, high-value work for clients, continually grow and increase prices, leverage time and resources through print runs, digital art, and partnerships, and ignore the haters while seeking constructive criticism. Personalization builds strong client relationships and adds value, while growth and leveraging allow for scalability and higher prices. New technologies and partnerships can help artists expand their reach and influence. It's crucial to distinguish between critics, who offer valuable feedback, and haters, who spread negativity. Building relationships with critics and mentors can lead to growth and improvement.

    • Staying true to your vision amidst criticismEmbrace criticism, stay patient, have faith, and keep working hard to build a brand and achieve long-term success. Believe in yourself and don't let external factors hold you back.

      Embracing criticism and staying true to your vision is crucial for success, whether in art or other fields. Be gracious towards critics and haters, and don't let their opinions affect your mood or work. Art is a vulnerable expression of oneself, and embracing the criticism that comes with it is part of the growth process. Stay patient, have faith, and keep working hard and smart to build a brand and achieve long-term success. Remember, the things that hold us back are often not external, but rather the limiting beliefs we hold about ourselves. Believe in your abilities, and don't be afraid to share your gift with others. Ultimately, success comes from staying true to yourself and your vision, even in the face of criticism and adversity.

    • Embrace your passion and share it with the worldEmbrace your dreams and ambitions, persistently share your story, and take risks to make a significant impact and financially succeed

      Artists should not suppress their passion and should shamelessly promote and share their work with the world. It's important to care about others, but not at the expense of one's own dreams and ambitions. By persistently telling and sharing your story, you can make a significant impact on the world and financially succeed, both metaphorically and literally. I wish I could have told myself this advice in 2003, but it's never too late to start making changes today. Join the Disruptive Entrepreneurs community or connect with me on Facebook or Twitter for support and resources. Remember, if you don't take risks, you risk missing out on great opportunities.

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    "This is a McLaren P1. Yeah. This is a special car. This is numbered one of 375 in the world. Only 1500 miles in a special MSO. MSO means McLaren special operations."

    "Lamborghini charge 1,800 pounds for the sticker. So the sticker that makes it look worse"

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    VALUABLE RESOURCES

    https://robmoore.com/

    bit.ly/Robsupporter  

    https://robmoore.com/podbooks

     rob.team

    Episode Sponsor - AG1

    Claim your exclusive offer of AG1 at the link below

    drinkag1.com/disruptors

    ABOUT THE HOST

    Rob Moore is an author of 9 business books, 5 UK bestsellers, holds 3 world records for public speaking, entrepreneur, property investor, and property educator. Author of the global bestseller “Life Leverage” Host of UK’s No.1 business podcast “The Disruptive Entrepreneur”

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    CONTACT METHOD

    Rob’s official website: https://robmoore.com/ 

    Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/robmooreprogressive/?ref=br_rs

    LinkedIn: https://uk.linkedin.com/in/robmoore1979

     

    See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

    disruptive, disruptors, entreprenuer, business, social media, marketing, money, growth, scale, scale up, risk, property: http://www.robmoore.com

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    BEST MOMENTS

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    VALUABLE RESOURCES

    https://robmoore.com/

    bit.ly/Robsupporter  

    https://robmoore.com/podbooks

     rob.team

    Episode Sponsor - AG1

    Claim your exclusive offer of AG1 at the link below

    drinkag1.com/disruptors

    ABOUT THE HOST

    Rob Moore is an author of 9 business books, 5 UK bestsellers, holds 3 world records for public speaking, entrepreneur, property investor, and property educator. Author of the global bestseller “Life Leverage” Host of UK’s No.1 business podcast “The Disruptive Entrepreneur”

    “If you don't risk anything, you risk everything”

     

    CONTACT METHOD

    Rob’s official website: https://robmoore.com/ 

    Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/robmooreprogressive/?ref=br_rs

    LinkedIn: https://uk.linkedin.com/in/robmoore1979

     

    See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

     

     

    disruptive, disruptors, entreprenuer, business, social media, marketing, money, growth, scale, scale up, risk, property: http://www.robmoore.com

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    VALUABLE RESOURCES

    https://robmoore.com/

    bit.ly/Robsupporter  

    https://robmoore.com/podbooks

     rob.team

    Episode Sponsor - AG1

    Claim your exclusive offer of AG1 at the link below

    drinkag1.com/disruptors

    ABOUT THE HOST

    Rob Moore is an author of 9 business books, 5 UK bestsellers, holds 3 world records for public speaking, entrepreneur, property investor, and property educator. Author of the global bestseller “Life Leverage” Host of UK’s No.1 business podcast “The Disruptive Entrepreneur”

    “If you don't risk anything, you risk everything”

     

    CONTACT METHOD

    Rob’s official website: https://robmoore.com/ 

    Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/robmooreprogressive/?ref=br_rs

    LinkedIn: https://uk.linkedin.com/in/robmoore1979

     

    See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

    disruptive, disruptors, entreprenuer, business, social media, marketing, money, growth, scale, scale up, risk, property: http://www.robmoore.com

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     "We should say you identify as a Christian. You're not a gay Christian, not a gay Brit, whatever. You're a Christian and then your sexuality is something you're working on."

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    VALUABLE RESOURCES

    https://robmoore.com/

    bit.ly/Robsupporter  

    https://robmoore.com/podbooks

     rob.team

    Episode Sponsor - AG1

    Claim your exclusive offer of AG1 at the link below

    drinkag1.com/disruptors

    ABOUT THE HOST

    Rob Moore is an author of 9 business books, 5 UK bestsellers, holds 3 world records for public speaking, entrepreneur, property investor, and property educator. Author of the global bestseller “Life Leverage” Host of UK’s No.1 business podcast “The Disruptive Entrepreneur”

    “If you don't risk anything, you risk everything”

     

    CONTACT METHOD

    Rob’s official website: https://robmoore.com/ 

    Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/robmooreprogressive/?ref=br_rs

    LinkedIn: https://uk.linkedin.com/in/robmoore1979

     

    See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

     

     

    disruptive, disruptors, entreprenuer, business, social media, marketing, money, growth, scale, scale up, risk, property: http://www.robmoore.com

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    BEST MOMENTS

    "The Money Matrix is the hidden financial system where a few powerful people and banks control the money in the world."

    "If you don't risk anything, you risk everything. So, everything you want on your life is the other side of fear."

    "So if you're rich, you create products. If you're broke, you are the product. So most people are the product for the bank."

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    "The fear of getting hit in the face is worse than getting hit in the face."

    VALUABLE RESOURCES

    https://robmoore.com/

    bit.ly/Robsupporter  

    https://robmoore.com/podbooks

     rob.team

    Episode Sponsor - AG1

    Claim your exclusive offer of AG1 at the link below

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    ABOUT THE HOST

    Rob Moore is an author of 9 business books, 5 UK bestsellers, holds 3 world records for public speaking, entrepreneur, property investor, and property educator. Author of the global bestseller “Life Leverage” Host of UK’s No.1 business podcast “The Disruptive Entrepreneur”

    “If you don't risk anything, you risk everything”

     

    CONTACT METHOD

    Rob’s official website: https://robmoore.com/ 

    Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/robmooreprogressive/?ref=br_rs

    LinkedIn: https://uk.linkedin.com/in/robmoore1979

     

    See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

    disruptive, disruptors, entreprenuer, business, social media, marketing, money, growth, scale, scale up, risk, property: http://www.robmoore.com

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    BEST MOMENTS

    "The purpose of marriage is to help two people become authentic, where they maximise their potential to contribute to this world."

    "Depression is a comparison of your current reality to a fantasy you're addicted to. The fantasy is a pleasure without a pain. The depression is a pain without a pleasure. And they're both poles of a magnet to letting you know that you're imbalanced in your perception and you've got a subjective bias in your interpretation of reality."

    "Your values come from your voids. Your voids come from anything that you're too proud or too humble to admit that you see in others inside you."

    "ADHD is a label from pharmaceutical companies to, And from counsellors and psychologists and teachers who aren't aware of how to communicate in kids values. Who are therefore what, just lazy teachers who aren't not intentionally lazy. Or maybe not inspired teachers. They're just not educated. "

     "The real you, authenticity, is seeing both sides simultaneously and embracing them equally."

     "Burnout and boredom are feedback that you're not authentic. They're giving you feedback."

     "Eternal change is constantly changing forms. The master lives in a world where it sees the new forms, dances in the new forms."

     

    VALUABLE RESOURCES

    https://robmoore.com/

    bit.ly/Robsupporter  

    https://robmoore.com/podbooks

     rob.team

    Episode Sponsor - AG1

    Claim your exclusive offer of AG1 at the link below

    drinkag1.com/disruptors

    ABOUT THE HOST

    Rob Moore is an author of 9 business books, 5 UK bestsellers, holds 3 world records for public speaking, entrepreneur, property investor, and property educator. Author of the global bestseller “Life Leverage” Host of UK’s No.1 business podcast “The Disruptive Entrepreneur”

    “If you don't risk anything, you risk everything”

     

    CONTACT METHOD

    Rob’s official website: https://robmoore.com/ 

    Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/robmooreprogressive/?ref=br_rs

    LinkedIn: https://uk.linkedin.com/in/robmoore1979

     

    See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

    disruptive, disruptors, entreprenuer, business, social media, marketing, money, growth, scale, scale up, risk, property: http://www.robmoore.com

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    BEST MOMENTS

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    “The banks are stopping you putting money in crypto”

    “The cashless society advanced hugely during the lockdown”

    VALUABLE RESOURCES

    https://robmoore.com/

    bit.ly/Robsupporter  

    https://robmoore.com/podbooks

     rob.team

    Episode Sponsor - AG1

    Claim your exclusive offer of AG1 at the link below

    drinkag1.com/disruptors

    ABOUT THE HOST

    Rob Moore is an author of 9 business books, 5 UK bestsellers, holds 3 world records for public speaking, entrepreneur, property investor, and property educator. Author of the global bestseller “Life Leverage” Host of UK’s No.1 business podcast “The Disruptive Entrepreneur”

    “If you don't risk anything, you risk everything”

     

    CONTACT METHOD

    Rob’s official website: https://robmoore.com/ 

    Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/robmooreprogressive/?ref=br_rs

    LinkedIn: https://uk.linkedin.com/in/robmoore1979

     

    See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

    disruptive, disruptors, entreprenuer, business, social media, marketing, money, growth, scale, scale up, risk, property: http://www.robmoore.com

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    Mark Lawrenson Reveals:

    • Why the BBC Sacked him
    • The differences between male and female football
    • Why TV and the country has gone ‘too soft’
    • What it was like to play for Liverpool
    • Why being told he couldn’t play football drove him to his ultimate success
    • The negative impact of big money and finance on football
    • A shocking story surrounding Maxwell's alleged murder by Mossad

     

    BEST MOMENTS

    “Really good [football] commentary makes a huge difference”

    “The country is knackered”

    "Bob Paisley comes down from upstairs, takes him a couple of minutes and everything. Walks in. Complete hush, respect... Where's Alan Kennedy? And one of the lads had gone, 'Oh, he's over here.' So, Bob strolled over and looked at him, and he said, 'Do you know what, Alan? They shot the wrong fucking Kennedy.'" 

    "I'd get slaughtered sometimes, fair enough, doesn't particularly bother me. And then I'd meet somebody and then they say to me, 'Oh you're completely different from what you, when you're commentating,' and I go, 'No I'm not. I'm just the same.'" 

    "One of the problems with the BBC was that they don't really understand things like you've been a footballer and sometimes you get left out. And you get taken off the pitch. And it's as though they can't tell you the bad news." 

    "My biggest disruption was my mum leaving us... We never knew. My mum always said to us, 'You, I'll never tell you what happened, but you would have done the same thing.'"

    "Robert Maxwell owns Derby, Kevin Maxwell owns Oxford... He looked at me and he said, 'What's your problem?' I imagine that, and it just all came out, and I called him every name under the sun. And he looked at me, and he went, 'I quite like you actually.'”

    VALUABLE RESOURCES

    https://robmoore.com/

    bit.ly/Robsupporter  

    https://robmoore.com/podbooks

     rob.team

    Episode Sponsor - AG1

    Claim your exclusive offer of AG1 at the link below

    drinkag1.com/disruptors

    ABOUT THE HOST

    Rob Moore is an author of 9 business books, 5 UK bestsellers, holds 3 world records for public speaking, entrepreneur, property investor, and property educator. Author of the global bestseller “Life Leverage” Host of UK’s No.1 business podcast “The Disruptive Entrepreneur”

    “If you don't risk anything, you risk everything”

     

    CONTACT METHOD

    Rob’s official website: https://robmoore.com/ 

    Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/robmooreprogressive/?ref=br_rs

    LinkedIn: https://uk.linkedin.com/in/robmoore1979

     

    See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.



    disruptive, disruptors, entreprenuer, business, social media, marketing, money, growth, scale, scale up, risk, property: http://www.robmoore.com

    Disruptors
    en-GBJune 10, 2024

    Rob’s Supercars: Proving the Haters Wrong!

    Rob’s Supercars: Proving the Haters Wrong!

    For the first time ever, Rob is revealing his entire supercar collection. From the fastest to his ultimate favourite, he talks through each car, revealing what he loves and proving to the haters and trolls what he really owns and drives!

    Rob Reveals:

    • The fastest car he owns
    • How many supercars he owns
    • How much he paid for his supercars
    • Why he loves the pursuit of owning supercars

    BEST MOMENTS

    “This kind of car is going to be good for our filming when we go and visit our guests”

    “It’s impossible for me to get all my cars in one place”

    “This car either makes people orgasm, scream with excitement or panic and nearly have a heart attack”

    “It’s not owning the nice things that’s the pleasure, it’s getting and attaining them”

    VALUABLE RESOURCES

    https://robmoore.com/

    bit.ly/Robsupporter  

    https://robmoore.com/podbooks

     rob.team

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    ABOUT THE HOST

    Rob Moore is an author of 9 business books, 5 UK bestsellers, holds 3 world records for public speaking, entrepreneur, property investor, and property educator. Author of the global bestseller “Life Leverage” Host of UK’s No.1 business podcast “The Disruptive Entrepreneur”

    “If you don't risk anything, you risk everything”

     

    CONTACT METHOD

    Rob’s official website: https://robmoore.com/ 

    Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/robmooreprogressive/?ref=br_rs

    LinkedIn: https://uk.linkedin.com/in/robmoore1979

     

    See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

    disruptive, disruptors, entreprenuer, business, social media, marketing, money, growth, scale, scale up, risk, property: http://www.robmoore.com

    Disruptors
    en-GBJune 07, 2024

    The Mad Max Prophecy: Dan Pena's Dire Warning for Humanity

    The Mad Max Prophecy: Dan Pena's Dire Warning for Humanity

    Rob interviews the unapologetically controversial Dan Pena. Brace yourself for a wild ride as Pena, an ex-war veteran and successful entrepreneur, unleashes his unfiltered opinions on the world's dire state. From the decline of masculinity to the impending economic tsunami, Pena fearlessly tackles taboo topics with his signature approach. Prepare to be shocked, informed, and inspired by this unforgettable conversation!

    Dan Pena Reveals:

    • The world is devolving, not evolving
    • Why humanity's best days are behind us,
    • What is contributing to the downfall of society
    • The real risks of AI
    • Why confrontation is necessary for success
    • Money is the key to happiness
    • The tactics of the rich in this economic crisis
    • Why governments and media are liars

    BEST MOMENTS

    "The world is soft. It just is. I predicted in 1980, when the wall came down, 1989-90, I said we're gonna go back to Mad Max. Mel Gibson movie, that's where we're headed. Apocalypse."

    "I went out of my way to be around super smart people. I went out of my way to listen to them."

    "The truth always hurts. You mean it hurts yourself, hurts other people? Other people."

    "Money's not the only thing in life, but it's the only one of the only things they keep track of."

    "The secret to your success will be, going from this day forward, how you differentiate K N O W with N O. Knowing when to say no, or if to say no."

    VALUABLE RESOURCES

    https://robmoore.com/

    bit.ly/Robsupporter  

    https://robmoore.com/podbooks

     rob.team

    Episode Sponsor - AG1

    Claim your exclusive offer of AG1 at the link below

    drinkag1.com/disruptors

    ABOUT THE HOST

    Rob Moore is an author of 9 business books, 5 UK bestsellers, holds 3 world records for public speaking, entrepreneur, property investor, and property educator. Author of the global bestseller “Life Leverage” Host of UK’s No.1 business podcast “The Disruptive Entrepreneur”

    “If you don't risk anything, you risk everything”

     

    CONTACT METHOD

    Rob’s official website: https://robmoore.com/ 

    Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/robmooreprogressive/?ref=br_rs

    LinkedIn: https://uk.linkedin.com/in/robmoore1979

     

    See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

    disruptive, disruptors, entreprenuer, business, social media, marketing, money, growth, scale, scale up, risk, property: http://www.robmoore.com

    Disruptors
    en-GBJune 03, 2024

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    55: Defeating Emotional Blackmail and Manipulation with Susan Forward

    55: Defeating Emotional Blackmail and Manipulation with Susan Forward

    Have you been stuck in a cycle with someone that leaves you feeling like you can never win? Where you feel like you are always giving in? Not saying what you are really feeling? If so, you may be experiencing emotional blackmail. It’s not pretty, and you can be left with the uncomfortable feeling that there’s no way out without sacrificing who you are in the process. Don’t despair - there’s hope for you! In today’s episode, we’re going to chat with the world’s foremost expert on ending the grip of emotional blackmail, Dr. Susan Forward, one of the nation’s leading psychotherapists, and a New York Times bestselling author who has spent decades helping people break out of toxic cycles and discover healthier ways of relating.

    What is emotional blackmail? The structure of emotional blackmail begins with a demand, followed by pressure to fulfill the request, and finally, being threatened with punishing consequences. The threat can be blatant or subtle. Subtle threats come in the form of pouting, sulking, passive aggressive comments, while blatant threats are overtly articulated consequences of ‘if ____, then ____’.

    FOG: Emotional blackmail, although incredibly powerful and hurtful, can become normalized by both the receiver, and the doer.  Another way to know if you may be being emotionally blackmailed is to check in on if you feel as though you are in a fog. FOG stands for Fear, Obligation, and Guilt. These three components cause us to feel overwhelmed and make it so it is difficult to find our way out of an imbalance of power, unable to clearly see the dynamics, and make us have a tendency to comply.

    The Need to Please Disease- When we are vulnerable we have a tendency to rationalize unhealthy and unloving treatment in an effort to protect ourselves from further guilt and fear. We can end up giving in, no matter the price, just so that the other person is not angry with us. The lethality and toxicity of constant giving in accumulates until the person who is the target of emotional blackmail becomes depressed and angry, and internalizes this to become self-hatred.

    Water wearing down the rock: Constant compromise and giving in to something and someone that does not feel aligned with your own needs and desires can wear you down. Like water wearing down the boulder, you become the pebble- a smaller version of yourself. By having the courage to look at what is really happening in the dynamic, you will find opportunities for change and growth.

    Stand up for your own truth.  Everyone is terrified of other people’s anger and retaliation- this is a core fear that goes back into childhood for many. Despite anger being such a powerful force, there are behavioral strategies that help equalize the balance of power and help you become more assertive and self-protective. It takes courage to stand up for your own truth, however it is worth it.

    Honest look at ourselves. None of us are immune or exempt from being emotional blackmailers ourselves. Take time to look at your own patterns around getting others to do what you want. How do you handle when someone disagrees with you, or doesn’t want what you want? Do you plead? Coax? Get pouty? Become punitive? Do you punish through withholding things or love? Do you take their denial personally and as a threat to the relationship itself? Do you say things like “If you really loved me you would…” Or “if you really cared about us you would…” We are all guilty of some of these at times, and the question is not if, but rather to what degree and how often?

    Admit and Acknowledge: Do you feel like you have been emotionally blackmailing someone? Begin by labeling your behavior as such. Then, find the courage and humility to sit down and tell the person you are bullying that you are aware of your actions. Naming and sharing this goes a long way. Admitting and acknowledging is a way of fessing up and owning your actions and it creates a climate of much greater safety. With this safety healing and repair can begin. Saying sorry will not be enough however. You will have to show the person you have hurt that you are ready to own your actions through behavioral changes over time. And elicit their help! Ask the person you have hurt what they need from you to feel safer, and more trusting. Find ways together to move forward, and stay open to getting counseling!

    Admitting and acknowledging is a two way street! It is important to look at your own responsibility and behavior as the compliant one as well. Read through the following checklist to find out if you are a target of emotional blackmail:

    -       I tell myself that giving in is no big deal

    -       I tell myself that giving in is worth it to get other person to quiet down/calm down

    -       I tell myself that what I want is wrong

    -       I tell myself that it is not worth the hassle- I’ll give in now and take a stand later

    -       I tell myself that it is better to give in then to hurt their feelings

    -       I don’t stand up for myself

    -       I give away my power

    -       I do things to please other people and get confused about what I want

    -       I acquiesce

    -       I give up people and activities I care about to please the other person

    Yes to the above? Don’t wait for the other person to change. Do the above statements resonate with you? If so, it is time to look inside and find the courage to make changes yourself. Find the emotional maturity and empowered stance to stop the victim/blame cycle by realizing that you do not need to put yourself second any longer. Be willing to look to your past to see if complacency is an automatic, inherited, or learned behavior that began in your childhood. Be willing to take the reins in your own hands and set limits and boundaries. You have just as much responsibility as the blackmailer to change the dynamic, and you have just as much right as the other person to have your needs met. This can be a difficult and daunting shift in perspective for anyone who has a history of abuse as it brings up true fear and guilt around displeasing people- reach out for support when needed!

    Negotiating for a healthier relationship. We all have choices when a relationship goes off the track. We can accept things the way they are, we can negotiate for a healthier relationship, or worst comes to worst you can end the relationship. That said, there are strategies, communication skills, and behavioral changes that are worth trying in an effort to shift the dynamics before giving in more, or giving up.  

    Feeling your fear: Shifting yourself out of an emotional blackmail situation requires the willingness to tolerate the discomfort of displeasing someone, and often this can bring up fears. Many of our fears are old feelings that we mistake as coming from current events. We confuse our past with the present, and so when we get hurt we react in accordance with prior experiences. We will do nearly anything to protect ourselves from our fear of other people’s anger. Differentiating the present from the past will leave you with more confidence and many more choices for ways to react. Help yourself see that you are now an adult, no longer hopeless or dependent, and that your past does not need to dictate your experience any longer. From this knowing, ask yourself ‘what is the worst thing that can happen?’ Then believe you have the courage and resilience inside to handle this. Lastly, it comes down to allowing yourself to feel fear, and being with it.

    *NOTE: There are certain situations and people where the fear is very warranted. If the person emotionally blackmailing you is completely locked into their angry defensive way of being, then you must ask yourself if it is really worth it or possible to work with them. Listen to your fear in these situations as it may be protecting you from true threat.

    Be with your guilt: Guilt, along with fear, is often the major contributor to complacency. The fear of guilt itself is a powerful force. Realize that you can tolerate the guilt- no one died from guilt! Your dignity, self-respect, and health will all thank you for addressing this. Have a talk with your discomfort- take a close look and ask yourself the following questions:

    -Is what I did or want to do malicious?

    -Is what I did or want to do cruel?

    -Is what I did or want to do abusive?

    -Is what I did or want to do insulting?

    -Is what I did or want to do belittling?

    -Is what I did or want to do demeaning?

    -Is what I did or want to do truly harmful?

    If you answer no to these questions, then there is nothing to be guilty of. That is not to say that changing your behavior won’t be uncomfortable, but you can begin to redefine the discomfort as a sign of growth and change!

    Do it and the feelings will show up! Many people incorrectly assume that they need to feel stronger before they can take steps and make changes in reaction to emotional blackmail. This is not true! As you begin to shift to a new set of behaviors, the sense of empowerment will follow. Others may be shocked by your changes, and have strong reactions. Allow for this and do not take it on! It may not feel great at first, and that is OKAY.

    How to de-escalate the conflict: Blackmail thrives on conflict and escalation, and pushing one person lower and lower on the power structure. A natural tendency when we are emotionally attached is to get defensive, however defensiveness breeds defensiveness. If you can find non-defensive responses, the emotional blackmailer will no longer be able to attack and you WILL shift the dynamic. This requires learning to protect yourself, versus defending yourself. Doing so requires non-defensive communication skills. For example, try saying “I am sure you see it that way, and you are entitled to your feelings, however I am not willing to have this conversation now, let's talk about it when you are calmer…” Other non-defensive communications that can shift the other person’s resistance and defensiveness sound like:

    “Can we talk about why this is so important to you?”

    “Will you help me understand?”

    “It is not acceptable for you to continually make me feel guilty and scared- how can we work together to find a way to get your needs met in a way that doesn’t compromise mine?”

    “I feel as though you are pushing me and our relationship to the edge of a cliff and I don’t know if you are taking me seriously when I say I am not happy. I want to find ways together to solve our problems and conflicts in a way that doesn’t leave one of us feeling emotionally battered- can we talk about this?”

    “I am not willing to live this way any more, I need to be treated with respect and caring and want to find ways to make us both feel safer and more loved”

    “You could be right, however I am feeling…”

    Stop! And take a breath. Next time you are asked to do something you are not okay with, first thing to do is to STOP. Take a breath. This immediately pulls you out of your habitual pattern and away from the automatic reaction. Instead of saying yes, or no, say “I am not able to make this decision right now, I need to think about this. I’ll get back to you- but I need some time to figure out how I am really feeling about this”. This stance will allow you to calm down, garner your strength, and have the time necessary to connect with yourself beyond the fear and guilt. A healthy decision is made when we are able to balance and check in with both our intellect and our emotions- this takes time. Putting things back on your own timeline will make for your ability to be in your integrity and this will inevitably shift the power structure!

    Resources

    Find out more about Susan Forward's work at her website

    Email Susan at susanforward6@aol.com  if you are interested in phone consultations- she responds to each email personally!

    www.neilsattin.com/blackmail Visit to download the show guide, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the show guide to this episode with Susan Forward!

    Our Relationship Alive Community on Facebook

    Amazing intro/outro music graciously provided courtesy of:

    The Railsplitters - Check them Out