No More Mr. Nice Guy Pt.2 (A-Cliff Note)

Authentic Grief: Finding Meaning In Your After

In this series of podcasts we want to address the topic of grief. Grief is something we all experience so we want to take an authentic look at this shared experience.

David Kessler wrote a book as a 6th stage of grieving titled Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief.

We will be recording this podcast series as an overview to this book and be inviting you to a conversation about grief and how we can approach it through meaning. 

What is Grief?

Grief is the response to the loss of something deemed important or essential, particularly to the loss of someone or something to which a bond or affection has been formed.

Grief is something in our culture that we often don’t know how to approach. And until its on happening to us or someone we love. we typically don’t like to think about death or talk about it.

The Original Five Stages of grief by Kubler-Ross:

1. Denial - This isn’t happening to me
2. Anger - Why is this happening to me?
3. Bargaining - What can I change to stop this happening to me?
4. Depression - There isn’t anything I can do to stop this happening to me.
5. Acceptance - I take this for what it is even if I don’t want it.

The 6th stage proposed by Kessler is Meaning.

What does meaning look like? It can take many shapes, such as finding gratitude for the time they had with loved ones, or finding ways to commemorate and honor loved ones, or realizing the brevity and value of life and making that the springboard into some kind of major shift or change. (Pg. 3)

Ultimately, meaning comes through finding a way to sustain your love for them after their death while you’re moving forward with your life. (Pg. 7)

Thoughts that may guide in understanding meaning: (Pg. 7)

1. Meaning is relative and personal.
2. Meaning takes time. You may not find it until months or even years after loss.
3. Meaning doesn’t require understanding. It’s not necessary to understand why someone died in order to find meaning.
4. Even when you do find meaning, you won’t feel it was worth the cost of what you lost.
5. Your loss is not a test, a lesson, something to handle, a gift, or a blessing. Loss is simply what happens to you in life. Meaning is what you make happen.
6. Only you can find your own meaning.
7. Meaningful connections will heal painful memories. 

Love and grief are inextricably intertwined. Love and grief come as a package deal. If you love, you will one day know sorrow. (Pg. 9)

Introduction

How effective are resolutions?  Do they work?

Statistics tell us that on average between 64-80% of New Year's resolutions are abandoned in the first 3-weeks of committing to the resolution.

In this podcast we talk about comparison to others and comparison to ourselves versus compassion for self and compassion for others. 

Often New Year’s resolutions can often turn into dissolutions, good intentions can turn into frustrations and aspirations can turn into deflations.  

The word resolution if you break it down is re solution - It means I have to come

up with another solution because the first solution didn’t work.

Time Magazine tells of the Top 10 Failed Resolutions. The top five of these are ones I think we can all relate to….

• Lose Weight and Get Fit 
• Quit Smoking 
• Learn Something New 
• Eat Healthier and Diet 
• Save Money  

However, there are pivot times in lives. The New Year can give us a new start. Our birthdays give us a fresh approach. An anniversary can initiate change.  

These can be helpful to pause and reflect and then project hope but if we are setting ourselves up for failure, we may want to rethink making resolutions. 

If resolutions don’t work, what is the solution?

Thesis: If we change our focus from comparison to compassion, we may set ourselves up to live by our commitments as a lifelong expression of our health not just a temporary resolution.     

Resolutions find their origin in comparison; transformation finds its way in compassion.

There are two ways in which we compare 1. We compare ourselves to others and 2. We compare ourselves to ourselves. 

We compare ourselves to others

Social media sets us up for this. We have a tendency to compare ourselves with others best posts. 

One of the guys in AMG said the social media is “Air B & B” It is the place that people air either their bitching or their bragging.

Posts either are complaining about others or congratulating oneself.

They are either about being the victim or being the victor. 

Illustration - Comparison of finances 

People who are making $30,000 were asked how much more would make them happy and they said if they could make $50,000

People who are making $100,000 said $250,000 would make them happy.

We compare ourselves to ourselves.  

This can be a very cruel process and we can find ourselves really being hard on ourselves.

There is a difference between guilt and shame. Guilt = we have done something bad, shame = we are bad. We compare our present self to ourselves of the glory days of the past or the ideal self of the future.  

Resolutions usually are accompanied by the measurement of more. The words ‘more’ and “need to” come into play:

How many more pounds do I need to lose if I am dieting? or

How many more pounds do I need to add if I am weightlifting?

How many more miles do I need to walk or bike to be in better shape?

How many more podcasts do I need to listen to be more informed?

How many more lessons do I need to take to be really good?

How many more times do I need to attend church to be more spiritual?

How many more dollars do I need to make to be content? 

How many more promotions do I need to have to be successful?

How many more pounds, miles, podcasts, lessons, times, dollars, promotions… the list of measurements goes on and on.

The word measurement - me assuring myself it meant something

We can become hard on ourselves for not being where we once were or for not arriving at the place we could be. Measurement keeps us from being in the present moment with ourselves. It is always about comparing the present to what was or what could be.  We are always comparing another time other than the present

Resolutions are based on comparison, either comparison to the success of others or comparing to the vision of our “perfect” selves. 

Such resolutions do not work.  So back to the original question, “What is the solution to resolutions?” 

 The solution is not found in comparison but found in compassion again two types of compassion but in reverse order 1. Compassion for self and 2. Compassion for others.

Compassion for Self 

We cannot help but compare that is why we need compassion.

Compassion doesn’t sound very manly, valiant, macho or ballsy when we first say it but if we really stop and think about the word compassion does stir something deep inside of us.

We actually need two types of compassion (present compassion and intentional compassion)

If we give ourselves compassion, we will find that we would not be so hard on ourselves

If we are kind to ourselves, we will have the kind of life we desire.

If we love ourselves, we will find ways to express this love in what we do. 

Instead of measuring the results look for ways that are pleasurable expressions.

Transform Obligation To Inspiration 

Compassion for Others

Transform Getting into Giving

Just stop for a few seconds here and focus inside on the word ‘compassion’...

            (Hesitate for a count of 5) 

It stirs something in us doesn’t it. Something inside of me starts to look outward for someone in need. 

It is like we are summoning passion. Come passion

Transform getting acknowledged into giving acknowledgment to others.

We can’t give what we don’t have.

If I have compassion for myself, I will have compassion for others. If I love myself and then love others. The key to loving others is to love myself. The key to having compassion for others is to be self-compassionate. 

Some would say that this will lead to narcissism. Actually, just the opposite is true because true self compassion and self-love will always overflow into relationships for it cannot be contained. Narcissism is about keeping it all for self. Self-love cannot be contained. 

Instead of comparison we realize that we are all fellow strugglers on our own journey.  

Conclusion

Compassion is not an arrival point. It is a resolution every day. 

Commit to this solution by stating:

I will make commitments that are not about comparisons to others or to my perfect self. Instead, I will live in compassion and self-love. I will give that compassion and love expression to myself and to others. This is the solution to resolutions. It is not about being more or achieving more. It is about giving expression to who I already am.

In a culture of “artificial intelligence” and “virtual reality” it can be a challenge to be authentic.

In this podcast we continue this conversation and give 4 key factors of how to start unlocking our authentic self. 

Michael Kernis and Brian Goldman developed an Authenticity Inventory back in 2000 comprised of four key factors needed for authenticity:

• They came up with a technical description of authenticity as "the unimpeded operation of one's true or core self in one's daily enterprise."

• People who score high in authenticity are also more likely to respond to difficulties with effective coping strategies, rather than resorting to drugs, alcohol, or self-destructive habits.

• They often report having satisfying relationships. They enjoy a strong sense of self-worth and purpose, confidence in mastering challenges, and the ability to follow through in pursuing goals.

• The authentic self isn't always pretty. It's just real.

Authenticity Displayed in Four Key Factors of Activity:

1. Self-awareness: Knowledge of and trust in one's own motives, emotions, preferences, and abilities.

2. Unbiased processing: Clarity in evaluating your strengths and your weaknesses without denial or blame. Which is easier said then done.  That where AMG helps me.  

3. Behavior: Acting in ways congruent with your own values and needs, even at the risk of criticism or rejection.

4. Relational orientation: Close relationships, which inherently require openness and honesty.

In this podcast we talk about what it is like to live authentically during the holidays. We reference the 8 qualities and how we personally will look to incorporate these into our holidway experience with friends and family.

8 Qualities of Authenticity: 

1. Curiosity
2. Calm
3. Clarity
4. Connectedness
5. Confidence
6. Courage
7. Creativity
8. Compassion

In a culture of “artificial intelligence” and “virtual reality” it can be a challenge to be authentic.

Authenticity means erasing the gap between what you firmly believe inside and what you reveal to the outside world. Adam Grant

Living an authentic life with courage is meeting your fear, looking it in the eye, but diving in anyway because it is how you want to show up for yourself. Brene Brown

The idea of authenticity is a powerful shaping force for individual identity, a functional state, a way of moving through the world.

Authenticity is also a feeling, and research shows it feels awfully good. 

You can counterfeit a Picasso, but can you counterfeit yourself?  Feeling like a fake can be a sign of growth, and clinging too tightly to what feels like one’s authentic self can hinder that growth.

We will know that we are accessing our authentic self when we can access all 8 of these qualities: 

1. Curiosity 

2. Calm

3. Clarity 

4. Connectedness

5. Confidence 

6. Courage 

7. Creativity 

8. Compassion

Regretfully Yours (Part 2) 

The Four Categories of Regret from part 1 are:

1. Foundational Regrets - “If only I had more…”

2. Boldness Regrets - “If only took a risk …”

3. Moral Regret - “If I had that decision back I would have…”

4. Connection Regrets - “If I would have stayed connected to…”

How to Respond to Regret:

1. Be Aware of it (this is what the first podcast was dedicated to)

• Identify them in detail
• Explore why we have them.
• The keys to awareness

2. Express it - Do not deny regrets but express them with a select few trusted confidants.

Disclosing our regrets. Be vulnerable for it:

• Releases some of the burden
• Begins making sense of the process when we begin to articulate
• Creates bonds to others who can relate and empathize. Eliminate isolation for regret grows in isolation.

3.  Embrace it - Make it matter because it does.

• To flippantly let on it doesn’t mean anything is a sure way to have it hang around. 

• We can’t transcend something we don’t embrace.

• Feel the pain but don’t let it turn to shame, acknowledge the hurt but don't let it turn into guilt.
• When we embrace it we can learn to embrace ourselves with self compassion, self- kindness and self-acceptance knowing that we are good men capable of doing things we may regret.

4. Transform it - renew it, reshape it, remold it, redo it, reconstruct it, rebuild it, recast it, reorder it, reframe it, reorganize it, restyle it.  Just ‘re’ it.

• Turn a bad decision into good data.
• Turn a bad decision of something we did into a healthy expression of who we really are.

The Benefits of Regret:

1. Sharpens our decision making skills for the future. “I won’t do that again”

2. Secures our performance on a range of tasks. The more we do the more we get to do but if we let our regrets of the past hold us back we won’t try things which by the way  is one of the four categories of regrets. Don’t measure our worth based on our performance but based on our character. As we often say in AMG. “You are a good man”

3.  Strengthens our sense of meaning and connectedness.  We realize that we all are strugglers. I am a fellow struggle with every other human struggler on the planet.  We are all just trying to find our way and sometimes that way is found through regret.

4. Shows us what we really want in that if we did the opposite of what we regret we would have a sense of fulfillment.  The camera negative

We encourage you to talk about your regrets openly and find the freedom of vulnerability and authenticity.

Regret is one of our most powerful feelings and regrettably one of the most misunderstood.

Regret covers a myriad of circumstances from wishing we would have eaten oatmeal instead of the cinnamon danish this morning for breakfast to feeling remorse for not telling a loved one how much we loved them before they died.

The Four Categories of Regret:

1. Foundational Regrets - did not make choices that give enough stability and security

Not saving enough money or not paying attention to health.

“If only I had more…”

2. Boldness Regrets - did not take a chance on doing something I should have

Starting a business, not asking someone out, not speaking up

“If only took a risk …”

People who took risks and failed still were glad they took the risk because it taught them something

3. Moral Regret - did something they should not have or did not do something they should have

Affairs, bullying, stealing, cheating

“If I had that decision back I would have…”

4. Connection Regrets - did not stay in touch and as a result we drifted apart.

Disassociated with family and/or friends

“If I would have stayed connected to…”

It is not too late to reach out and awkwardness is most often rewarding to those who take the initiative.

Book Overview: "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert A. Glover

"No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert A. Glover is a groundbreaking self-help book that challenges the traditional concept of what it means to be a "nice guy" and offers a transformative path for men seeking greater fulfillment and success in their personal and professional lives.

In this insightful and thought-provoking book, Dr. Glover identifies the "Nice Guy Syndrome" as a pattern of behavior that plagues many men who struggle with issues ranging from low self-esteem and relationship problems to career dissatisfaction and a lack of assertiveness. He argues that the traditional beliefs and societal expectations surrounding masculinity have left many men feeling unfulfilled and trapped in a cycle of people-pleasing, seeking validation, and suppressing their true desires and needs.

Drawing from his extensive experience as a therapist and coach, Dr. Glover provides a comprehensive roadmap for men to break free from the Nice Guy Syndrome and start living a more authentic and fulfilling life. He guides readers through a step-by-step process of self-discovery, highlighting the importance of developing healthy boundaries, embracing vulnerability, and taking ownership of one's desires, emotions, and actions.

Through candid personal stories, case studies, and practical exercises, Dr. Glover explores various aspects of the Nice Guy Syndrome, including issues related to sexuality, relationships, work, and personal development. He offers insightful explanations and powerful strategies to help men reclaim their personal power, establish healthy relationships, and cultivate a sense of self-worth independent of external validation.

"No More Mr. Nice Guy" challenges men to confront their fears, confront their self-imposed limitations, and break free from the self-sabotaging patterns that hinder their personal growth. Dr. Glover encourages men to embrace their authenticity, acknowledge their needs, and pursue their passions with confidence and integrity.

This book serves as a wake-up call for men who have spent their lives putting others' needs before their own, and provides them with the tools and mindset necessary to redefine their identities and create a more fulfilling and purpose-driven life. By debunking the myth of the "nice guy" and offering an alternative paradigm for masculinity, Dr. Glover empowers men to step into their true potential and create meaningful connections, success, and happiness on their own terms.

"No More Mr. Nice Guy" is a must-read for any man who is ready to break free from the constraints of the Nice Guy Syndrome and embark on a journey of self-discovery, self-acceptance, and personal empowerment. It offers invaluable insights and practical guidance that can help men transform their lives and create lasting change.

Book Overview: "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert A. Glover

"No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert A. Glover is a groundbreaking self-help book that challenges the traditional concept of what it means to be a "nice guy" and offers a transformative path for men seeking greater fulfillment and success in their personal and professional lives.

In this insightful and thought-provoking book, Dr. Glover identifies the "Nice Guy Syndrome" as a pattern of behavior that plagues many men who struggle with issues ranging from low self-esteem and relationship problems to career dissatisfaction and a lack of assertiveness. He argues that the traditional beliefs and societal expectations surrounding masculinity have left many men feeling unfulfilled and trapped in a cycle of people-pleasing, seeking validation, and suppressing their true desires and needs.

Drawing from his extensive experience as a therapist and coach, Dr. Glover provides a comprehensive roadmap for men to break free from the Nice Guy Syndrome and start living a more authentic and fulfilling life. He guides readers through a step-by-step process of self-discovery, highlighting the importance of developing healthy boundaries, embracing vulnerability, and taking ownership of one's desires, emotions, and actions.

Through candid personal stories, case studies, and practical exercises, Dr. Glover explores various aspects of the Nice Guy Syndrome, including issues related to sexuality, relationships, work, and personal development. He offers insightful explanations and powerful strategies to help men reclaim their personal power, establish healthy relationships, and cultivate a sense of self-worth independent of external validation.

"No More Mr. Nice Guy" challenges men to confront their fears, confront their self-imposed limitations, and break free from the self-sabotaging patterns that hinder their personal growth. Dr. Glover encourages men to embrace their authenticity, acknowledge their needs, and pursue their passions with confidence and integrity.

This book serves as a wake-up call for men who have spent their lives putting others' needs before their own, and provides them with the tools and mindset necessary to redefine their identities and create a more fulfilling and purpose-driven life. By debunking the myth of the "nice guy" and offering an alternative paradigm for masculinity, Dr. Glover empowers men to step into their true potential and create meaningful connections, success, and happiness on their own terms.

"No More Mr. Nice Guy" is a must-read for any man who is ready to break free from the constraints of the Nice Guy Syndrome and embark on a journey of self-discovery, self-acceptance, and personal empowerment. It offers invaluable insights and practical guidance that can help men transform their lives and create lasting change.

In this podcast we discuss how to be assertive in our #5-#7 circles of relationships paradigm. These circles consist of work, giving, boundaries, possesions and coping mechanisms of life. 

Circle #5 – The Mandatory Relationships (work and to do lists)

Assertiveness in the workplace means being confident in communicating our opinions, suggestions, challenges and desires. It means representing ourselves well in the company while representing the company well. 

It is about making conflict about the problem or challenge that is important to face in order to make it a better workplace. 

It is about trusting if the authenticity of the company is worthy of personal authenticity.

Circle #6 – The Peripheral Relationship

Boundaries are important in these relationships.                                                                             

There are two different categories in this circle: 

1. The people who have hurt
2. The people who will take from us. 

Give no energy to our enemies. 

It’s not harsh to be assertive, it’s harsher when people take advantage of you. Janna Cachola 

Don’t argue with someone because they have a difference of opinion unless we are willing to argue with ourselves in 10 years when your changes. 

Be assertive in our research of where we will give.  

Be assertive with our giving.

We have three things to give; energy, time and resources. 

Circle #7 - Temporal

Are the things that help us cope or give us status.                                                                              These relationships are attached to a materialistic or consumer based culture.                            They add a temporal fix and try to satisfy the inner by the outer.

Addictions - Alcohol, drugs, pornography, gambling - Guys who struggle with addictions are often trying to change the behavior. 

Get assertive about the desire or want that is present. Identify the core issue.

This is a number Circle #1 issue not a Circle #7 issue.

Be assertive about understanding ourselves

Get assertive about what is enough personally. 

Get assertive about what it means to have a good life. Define this for ourselves and don’t let our culture define it for us. 

Practical Notes of Application 

1. Communicate clearly and directly: Speak in a clear and confident tone, and use specific language to express your thoughts and feelings.

- Keep it short, clear and censer   

2. Stand up for yourself: Don't be afraid to speak up when you feel that your rights or needs are being disregarded or ignored.

- Know your values and priorities and then communicate them. Communicate what you do want. Example: I would love to go but I am going to hang out with my family. 

3. Use "I" statements: When expressing your thoughts and feelings, use "I" statements to take ownership of them. For example, instead of saying "you're wrong," say "I disagree."

4. Respect others' opinions: While being assertive, it's important to respect others' opinions, even if you don't agree with them.

5. Listen actively: Listen to others' opinions and concerns and acknowledge them.

6. Be flexible: Be willing to compromise and negotiate in order to find a solution that works for everyone.

7. Practice confidence: Believe in yourself and your abilities, and practice assertive behavior in different situations.

8. Seek professional help: If you're having trouble being assertive, consider seeking professional help from a counselor or therapist.

Use DESC model by Sharon and Gordon Brower in book asserting yourself. 

Describe the behavior that affecting you 

Express emotion I am feeling 

Solution that may help

Conclusion or consequence if something doesn’t change.