Relationships 2.0: When Did Marriage Become So Hard?

Podcast Summary

• The Evolution of Marriage: Balancing Traditional Expectations and Modern Realities: While marriage has transformed into an institution of love and respect, high expectations can create pressure and stress. Addressing these expectations through communication and mutual effort can lead to fulfilling and successful marriages.

  Marriage has evolved from an economic exchange involving powerful in-laws to an institution rooted in mutual love and respect. The increased focus on emotional fulfillment has led to higher expectations in relationships, leading to greater pressure and stress. These expectations can be harmful to the institution of marriage, but addressing them through mutual effort and communication can lead to stronger relationships. Ultimately, modern couples need to balance traditional expectations with modern realities to create fulfilling and successful marriages.

• The Evolution of Marriage and Love Perception: Marriage has shifted from political alliances to love matches. Love was not always a priority but now it's prevalent. Gender roles have evolved with men as breadwinners and women as homemakers.

  Marriage has evolved over time from political alliances to love matches, but the perception of love has also changed. In the past, love was not necessarily a priority but rather finding a partner with similar social and economic status was necessary. This began to shift with the influence of Jane Austen's novels and the rise of the new model of marriage that celebrated the coming together of opposites. This led to the notion that love could only be found by getting married and staying married. Nowadays, the idea of marrying strictly for love is prevalent and gender roles have also evolved with men being the breadwinners and women becoming homemakers.

• The Evolution of Love and Marriage: Love and marriage have evolved over time, prioritizing romantic love over economic and political expediency. Today, a successful marriage is defined by equality and shared responsibilities, challenging traditional gender roles. Love is a work in progress, constantly evolving.

  The concept of love marriage, which prioritizes romantic love over economic and political expediency, started to take hold in the 19th century. As love marriages became the norm, people began searching for ways to make love last. However, the definition of love itself has evolved - from a union of opposites to a union of people who share similar values and interests. Today, the challenge lies in making equality and shared responsibilities just as erotic as differences. The shift towards a more equal partnership is reflected in the changing expectations for who does what in the household. Traditional gender roles are being challenged, with both men and women taking on tasks they were previously deemed incapable of. Love truly is a work in progress, and the definition of a successful marriage is also constantly evolving.

• The Delicate Balance of Love and Personal Growth in Modern Marriage: Modern marriages prioritize personal growth and fulfillment, which can lead to suffocation in stagnant relationships. Finding a balance between love and personal goals is crucial for a happy, fulfilling partnership.

  Modern marriage often prioritizes personal growth and fulfillment, leading to the risk of suffocation when partners feel stagnant. This shift from basic economic survival to emotional needs for love and personal growth has been dubbed 'Mount Maslow.' Couples now often search for a more authentic version of themselves, leading to higher divorce rates as they end relationships that fall short of their personal goals. This modern approach to marriage was uncommon even a few decades ago and continues to challenge traditional societal expectations. Social psychologist Eli Finkel suggests that prioritizing both love and personal growth can require a delicate balance to avoid suffocation and maintain a happy, fulfilling partnership.

• The Importance of Aligning Expectations in Marriage: Realistic expectations, aligned with what marriage can offer, are key to building a successful relationship that fosters personal growth. Avoid the suffocation model of marriage by investing the necessary time and energy, akin to climbing a mountain.

  As our expectations of marriage have evolved, we have moved up Maslow's hierarchy to seek not just love, but esteem and self-actualization. This requires a significant investment of time and energy, akin to climbing a mountain. The suffocation model of marriage occurs when we attempt to reach the summit without investing the necessary resources. Many of us have unrealistic expectations of marriage, seeking everything from belonging to comfort to novelty. Instead, we must align what we ask of our marriages with what it can realistically offer us, to avoid disappointment and ultimately maintain a successful relationship that fosters personal growth.

• The Michelangelo Effect and the Contemporary Archetype of Spouse: With contemporary expectations, spouses are not just partners but also responsible for emotional fulfillment and helping each other achieve ideal versions of themselves. This can sometimes lead to unrealistic expectations.

  Marriage today serves a multitude of emotional and psychological functions, with spouses expected to bring out the ideal version of each other through the Michelangelo effect. This shift from relying on a broader social network to relying solely on a spouse for emotional fulfillment can lead to unfulfillment. The expectation that a partner can unlock something special within us is also reflected in popular culture, as seen in the movie As Good As It Gets. The contemporary archetype of a spouse is someone who helps us grow into our ideal selves with time and effort.

• Finding Fulfillment Through Personal Growth in Relationships: Healthy relationships allow partners to support each other's growth towards their ideal selves, ultimately leading to emotional connection and fulfillment. High expectations can be met by compatible couples, resulting in marital fulfillment.

  We all have an actual self and an ideal self, and we look to our partners to help us grow towards our ideal self. While this is possible, it's not easy and not everyone is compatible. The best relationships are well-aligned and able to facilitate each other's personal growth, leading to emotional connection and psychological fulfillment. High expectations are not always the enemy of happiness in marriage and can be met by some couples, leading to a level of marital fulfillment that was once out of reach. Some people invest heavily in their marriages at the expense of other areas of their lives, which is perfectly captured in the movie Sideways through the character's love for pinot noir.

• The Fragility and Beauty of Marriage: Like growing a delicate Pinot grape, a successful marriage requires effort, patience, and recalibration of expectations. The arrival of a newborn adds challenges, but sustained effort and nurturing can transform a marriage into a beautiful and fulfilling relationship.

  Marriage has changed from a sturdy institution to a delicate and fragile one that requires ongoing care and attention. Similar to growing the Pinot grape, a high-maintenance process that yields exquisite results, a successful marriage takes effort, patience, and recalibration of expectations. The arrival of a newborn further adds to the challenges, requiring couples to find extra time for the additional care required while dealing with sleep deprivation and less time for emotional and sexual connection. Neglecting the marriage in such circumstances can be detrimental to its quality. However, with sustained effort and nurturing, a marriage can be transformed into a beautiful, rich, and fulfilling relationship.

• Love Hacks: A New Way to Look at Relationships: By looking at relationships through a different lens, and focusing on meeting emotional and psychological needs, even low-income couples can build happier, more fulfilling long-term relationships.

  Marriage is an institution that has evolved from being a union of necessity to become one where our expectations have dramatically increased. Researchers have found that meeting your partner's emotional and psychological needs can be difficult when struggling to pay the bills or working multiple jobs, which is why the institution of marriage appears to be especially fragile among low-income couples. However, there are small adjustments that can be made to help couples reorient how they think about their relationships. Love hacks are a set of ways that can help us experience the same relationship, but view it in a different way, leading to a happier and more fulfilled long-term relationship. These hacks are similar to viewing a relationship with new eyes, and looking beyond the small problems to see the big picture, instead of immediately jumping to a negative attribution about our partners' behavior.

• Hacks to Improve Your Relationship: Instead of criticizing negative behavior from your partner, try to interpret it sympathetically. Develop a growth mindset, handle conflicts constructively and identify which needs your partner can't fulfill.

  One of the hacks to improve a relationship is to reinterpret negative behavior from one's partner in a more sympathetic way, rather than criticizing them. This helps to control how the behavior affects one's emotions. Adopting a growth mindset, that is, seeing compatibility in a relationship as something malleable rather than fixed, is also important. A more constructive, growth-oriented approach to conflict helps strengthen relationships. If partners are incompatible and have high expectations, it is possible to develop systems where they get different needs fulfilled from different people. Lastly, it is important to ask less and identify which needs one's partner cannot fulfill.

• The Benefits of Social Diversification in Relationships: Diversifying your social portfolio by seeking different emotional experiences from different people can lead to greater happiness and strengthen relationships, even if it means considering non-traditional forms of partnering.

  Social diversification, or diversifying your social portfolio by turning to different people for different emotional experiences, can lead to greater happiness. Elaine Cheung's research at Northwestern University found that people who have diversified their social portfolio tend to be happier. In terms of marriage, the idea of asking less of it and diversifying emotionally and romantically can actually strengthen the relationship. This may include considering consensual nonmonogamy, which is becoming more common among millennials. Marriage as an institution has evolved over time, and diversification may create stress on our traditional views of what marriage should be. The analogy of financial diversification can help conceptualize the benefits of social diversification.

• The Benefits of Developing Emotional Shorthand in a Relationship: Couples can improve their communication and strengthen their relationship by developing their own language and emotional shorthand to express love and diffuse conflicts.

  Opening up a relationship can be a high-risk option, but it may benefit some relationships struggling to sustain a mutually satisfying sex life. Every marriage has its own culture, language, and expectations that can be leveraged to benefit the marriage with emotional shorthand to communicate affection. This shorthand can help diffuse problematic episodes and express love, respect, and affection. Eli Finkel, social psychologist and author of The All-Or-Nothing Marriage, suggests that couples develop their own emotional shorthand to express affection and diffuse tensions during difficult times.