Bachelor Massacre

Although we've come to the end of the road, I have no problem letting go. The Zachelor is finally over and the ending was not surprising. But what about those Jess rumors?? Look, I'm just trying to think of something to write, I fucked my back up at the gym. I mean, I'm not any more stoned than usual, I just want to lay down, ok?

This episode of Bachelor Massacre covers all sorts of territory, from the cruelty of this season to trusting your gut to brow lamination. And best of all, for the first time ever, you get all 3 hosts at once. Do it. Do it!!!

If you've been riding with us this season, we really appreciate it. Now that this run is over, we would love some feedback! Please write us a review and don't just Zach it up and tell us what we want to hear. Unless you can "really see a future" with us and want to give us a rose.

Bon voyage,

Waves, Mandy, Scotty, and Sparse Mansion Media

Zach Shallcross is a lucky man. But he is not a smart one. At the very least, he is easily influenced. So it was disappointing to see how royally he ruined Fantasy Suites aka Sex Week by not trusting the process on a show that is CONSTANTLY reminding its participants to trust the process. We all saw what happened with Clayton ("the worst Bachelor ever" according to some) and it is understandable that Zach wanted to avoid the drama associated with it, but it was not so much what Clayton DID but HOW he did it. Add some guidance from still-married-to-his-finalist former Bachelor Sean Lowe, and you've got one foolish and (sorta) abstinent lead who ends up doing the wrong thing by thinking he is doing the right one.

It's hard for me to be truly objective here, because had I been in Zach's position I would have handled things very differently, but this wasn't my journey, it was his, so who am I to say what he should have done. But as my co-host Scotty Boombox put it, you have to respect privacy in addition to being honest. And as I like to say, you should never make promises you can't keep. And as the universe likes to say: if everyone wants to bang, then bang!

This was still the best episode of the season! And while the subject matter creates some serious conversations for me and Scotty, we still manage to have a great time.

This is the recap I referred to in the episode ---> #divorceboats. The Ringer always does a great job, shout out to Lindsay Jones for cracking me up. 

On the last season of Bachelor Massacre, I referred to the Women Tell All as "Week 9" even though it was in the same week as Week 8. Then I called Fantasy Suites "Week 10" ... Was I right? Was I wrong? Does it matter? Ask someone who isn't a Virgo.

This season's WTA was pretty standard though it did have some dope moments, from Jess's surprising confidence in the hot seat to Greer's seemingly genuine apology to a twerk-filled blooper reel (were those just pre-bloopers or what? Gave *me* some pre-bloop, if you know what I mean ...)

Isn't it weird how much the producers invested in Christina Mandrell, only to have it blow up in their face? Like, people were really acting like she was gonna be the next Bachelorette. They barely showed her on this episode, minus a rehash of her disrespecting Charity, who is actually the next Bachelorette anyway.

And it turns out that Bachelor Fantasy Leagues really are a thing.

This episode features myself and Amanda Quincosa.

Next up: SEX WEEK

Zach is not a hometown hero. He's not really even a hometown homey. If anything, he's hometown hopeless. This is the episode where Zach finally strips away any last shred of respect I may have had for him. Fuck you, Zach. Go home and leave these women to me.

The final four women of this season prove, yet again, to be more interesting, emotional, and intelligent than our lead. And Zach proves, yet again, that not only does he have no poker face, he also has no balls, no communication skills, and very little charm when faced with even the slightest pressure. I am still dumbfounded that someone this boring was able to land this gig.

From a syrup date to interrogate to hesitate to why bother to wait, these hometown dates will leave you not questioning why the contestants and their families got way more screen time than the Zachelor. So I hope you enjoy myself and Scotty Boombox hitting his metaphorical knees with our metaphorical tactical batons as we break this episode down.

Be sure to check out another episode dropping TOMORROW, when Mandy and I take on the Women Tell All.

Welcome to Budapest, Hungary! The land of paprika and porn and palacsinta. My literal motherland, if only in the sense that my mother was born and raised there. It is indeed a great place to fall in love, certainly more than Tallinn, Estonia. Don't @ me.

As my co-host Scotty Boombox points out, this episode is filled with cruelty. From a torturous "mentalist" date (aka group therapy disguised as a magic show) to Greer getting sent home after being led on by the entire production staff, this one is a doozy. Not only that, but Hometowns are on the line! Who made the cut?? (You already know by now anyway because this episode is late af. Don't @ me.)

And yes, dear listeners, I realize that in this episode I refer to the Fantasy Suites as involving 4 contestants instead of 3, you know I know the deal, I was just a little tipsy. Don't @ me.

Stay tuned for (hopefully) 2 episodes back-2-back: Hometowns with Scotty Boombox and the Women Tell All with Mandy Quincosa.

You know you're living in 2023 when you are watching people named Brooklyn and Kat fighting about disrespecting Charity as Ariel and Gabi look on. In my day it would have been Jessica and Irene going at it over Rebecca while Jill and Ashley watch.

In this episode my co-host Mandy talks about the movie Encino Man and how there is some connection to Estonia, our setting for Week 6 of The Zachelor. Well, shame on me for thinking she was kinda pulling that out of her ass, because it turns out they do pretend Brendan Fraser's caveman character is from Estonia. Also, shame on me for never seeing Encino Man. Shout out Pauly Shore.

This edition of The Bach has all the tropes: drama, spiraling, trauma dumping, branch beating, and ass-facing. Wait. *checks notes* That last one is a new one. Will wife carrying become a new Bachelor mainstay like the Bachelor Bowl, old people love advice, and b-roll of windmills? Only time will tell. Did I get too stoned before writing these show notes? I think you already know the answer.

My apologies for a short and obviously-rushed ep. I was out of town for a field recording gig and then had to sandwich my call with Mandy between other meetings, so circumstances were working against us. But I'll be back with Scotty Boombox next week and ready to chop it up in the usual fashion!

Please leave us a review! Sparse Mansion Media would love to hear some feedback.

I fucked up. I never should have made the first episode of Bachelor Massacre Season 2 a two-parter. Now we are on Episode 6 of the podcast but Week 5 of the show, and it is going to mess with me for the rest of this Zachelor season, I just know it. Aaarrghghhh *clenches teeth*

This was the worst episode of the season so far, whilst having what was probably the best one-on-one doe. Gabi got the highly coveted Pretty Woman date much to her absolute delight (and the absolute MIND FUCK of all the ladytestants). But lo! There is a disturbance in the force. Is Zach hungover? Does he have mono from all that kissing?? Does he have the shits from his full English breakfast??? Nah, big bruh just has covid.

I can guarantee it like Denzel Washington that listening to this episode of Bachelor Massacre will be less boring than watching Zach go on Zoom dates with his remaining women. I can also guarantee that Greer loses it, Jesse Palmer phones it in as usual, and Ariel does not get enough screen time.

This episode features myself and Scotty Boombox. Please rate, review, and subscribe!!

PLEASE RATE, REVIEW, SUBSCRIBE!! We've been working extra hard over here at Bachelor Massacre and Sparse Mansion Media and we really need your help to keep this going. Everyone involved in this show is really busy outside of podcasting and we don't have a ton of time to dive into promotion and "influencing" so if you do listen to the show or are just a fan of Bachelor Nation in general, please take a minute to rate and/or review Bachelor Massacre so the algorithm will help get us out there and grow our audience!

It's now Week 4 of The Zachelor, and while Zach is still not proving to be overly exciting, he's not a hatable guy. (Yo, is it me, or does "hatable" look crazy? Where that "e" at??) But like we saw with Clayton, he is merely a vessel for these women to truly shine. And shine they do, because this season is stacked with beautiful babes that myself and co-host MandySays believe are truly out of his league. Bruh is so lucky! But not only are these women gorgeous, they seem to be pretty supportive of one another ... until they aren't. Join us for another deep dive/sloppy recap and make sure you remember to never ever EVER speak about Instagram on The Bachelor!

An overnight, love takes flight, an oversight, sho you right.

Let's just address the elephant in the room: no recapper wants to release an episode critique after the NEXT episode has already dropped. But like Ferris Bueller said, life moves pretty fast. And sometimes things come up that are more important than editing your pop culture podcast. So here we are, almost a week late. But as Martin Payne said, so goes the salmon.

This episode features the fifth(!) installment of the Bachelor Bowl, which leads co-host Scotty Boombox and myself to reference the Bud Bowl, perhaps the greatest sporting of all time. If you don't know what the Bud Bowl is, do yourself a favor and take a deep dive. Then strap in for our breakdown of a surprisingly good episode of The Zachelor that includes some Kaity validation (for me) and some Anastasia screen time (for Scotty).

Make sure to tune in next week because we got OG co-host MandySays back in the booth!

If I ever were to get into the beverage game, I'd start with a Bang-esque masterpiece and call it "Bad Bitch Energy".

Welcome to Week 2 of The Zachelor, and I gotta say, Zach is still boring but at least he was kinda sorta cool this episode (not to be confused with crazy sexy cool, which he is not). At least in parts. Please ignore this statement re: anytime he is even close to immaculate guest star Latto.

After a one-on-one date with Christina, Zach literally makes out with everyone in the house. And here to give you a breakdown of all the gory details is my frequent collaborator (on both podcasts and music) Scotty Boombox.

Please rate and review our lil podcast! And if you dig it, share us on Twitter and Instagram with all the appropriate tags. We tryna grow this ho.

🌹 🌹 🌹 🌹 🌹 🌹 

Zach is neither a snack nor a mack: discuss.

Welcome back to the Bachelor Mansion, folks! It's time for another set of arrivals turned rivals, hot messes in dresses, and tears for fears.

Season 27 of The Bachelor is finally here and our lead this year is (surprise!) a boring white bro grown in a petri dish using Jesse Palmer's DNA and a dab of hair gel. Zach Shallcross's journey has begun and I wish his last name didn't end in an "s" like Matt James because this means a whole 'nother season of apostrophe anxiety.

Join me and MandySays this episode as we pour gas on an already burning building.

If you want to read about the already revealed racist tweets of one of this season's contestants, you can peep that here. Even though it came out immediately, we were not aware of it until after we recorded. But I'm sure there will be plenty more controversies to highlight. Stay tuned!

Cue up I Know You Got Soul or at the very least Try Again .... Bachelor Massacre is BACK.

How we made it this long without talking some more shit is anyone's guess. From Clayton's total misfire to Gabby and Rachel's disaster of a season, we have missed out on some great drama worth commenting on.

This time around J Waves will be taking on the hosting duties, Amanda aka MandySays will be on socials, and special guests will round out the panel (including Mandy herself and regular J Waves collaborator Scotty Boombox).

Our first episode of Season 2 is simply Waves and Mandy going in hard and recapping everything that has happened since the Matt James season, leaving us primed and ready for Season 27 of The Bachelor with Zach Shallcross aka Wonder Bread Brad. Be sure to subscribe for weekly episodes covering this ever-regressing franchise.

*sigh*

*SIGH*

*SIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH*

Was that me or Matt James? Who knows anymore, the sighs all blend together.

This episode of After The Final Rose was fucking depressing and maybe this episode of Bachelor Massacre is too. We prolly talk more about race stuff than love stuff but that is the season that we were dealt. And perhaps that is a good thing in a way. You be the judge! I'm just trying to stay out of court.

Shout out Emmanuel Acho for taking the reigns, asking the tough questions, wearing a turtleneck, and stretching that suit to the limit.

In a nutshell: Michelle and Katie are the new Bachelorettes (but not at the same time). Rachael loves Matt. Matt hates Rachael. And talk shows without a studio audience are weird. Good night, America!

What's next for Bachelor Massacre? We don't even know but hopefully BIP is right around the corner ... 🤞

Make sure you subscribe and follow and stalk us so you don't miss a single (future) episode.

Fux with our Instagram page @bachelormassacre and slide into our DMs.

J Waves on Insta
MandySays on Insta

Check out these other shows from Sparse Mansion Media available on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and wherever you listen to podcasts.
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When they said this season was going to be "groundbreaking" I didn't think they meant that it would make me want to break a hole in the ground and crawl into it. Ooof.

Amanda and I were really rooting for Matt James in the beginning of this season but he turned out to be yet another man-child scared of commitment, at least, if that's what his mom wants him to be. He often expressed how much he cared about "the women" on his season but mostly just told them what they wanted to hear and thanked them for sharing their feelings whilst rarely reciprocating (though we do acknowledge that Matt's behavior overall was perhaps constrained by the role he had to fill as "America's first Black Bachelor", which he discussed at length on After The Final Rose.) Our love of frontrunner Rachael Kirkconnell was also spoiled, Michelle "The Obvious Choice" Young was harshly dumped at the last minute, and Bri Springs was also cast aside and perhaps will be leaving Bachelor Nation for good. And let's not even talk about Abigail Herringer.

The clear star of this episode was Matt's brother John. You can learn more about him and his "rap career" here. (Maybe it's harsh to put rap career in quotes but as a washed up rapper, I have OPINIONS.)

Matt may have left with Rachael, but what happened next? We suggest you watch After The Final Rose for the whole story or you can listen to our next episode about it and kind of get some idea of what happened if we can stop talking about Emmanuel Acho for 5 minutes.

It was a sad ending to a promising but disappointing season. We thank YOU, our loyal listeners, for helping us get through it all. Please do everything you can to support us (short of opening your wallets because we aren't ready to ask you to do that yet) and write us some reviews and give us all the stars and tell your friends to listen. Without you, we don't exist: if a podcast falls in the woods and nobody is there to hear it, does it make a sound????? I would say NO.

What's next for Bachelor Massacre? We don't even know but hopefully BIP is right around the corner ... 🤞

Make sure you subscribe and follow and stalk us so you don't miss a single episode.

Fux with our Instagram page @bachelormassacre and slide into our DMs.

J Waves on Insta
MandySays on Insta

Check out these other shows from Sparse Mansion Media available on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and wherever you listen to podcasts.
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Dang! I miss the days of just talking about what a bitch Queen Victoria was. Now we actually have to deal with some serious emotions as things get very real for all the contestants and even Matt himself. Say what you will about this season's Bachelor, but the scene with his dad was legit moving and if you didn't get in your feelings over it YOU HAVE NO SOUL.

We are down to 3 women: Rachael (sexy and simple), Michelle (athletic and awesome), and Bri (the beautiful boss). All of them are in love with Matt, like, for real. It doesn't feel like anyone is here for Instagram likes at this point, everyone feels very invested. Sir Matt-A-Lot has attempted to "save" all of them, so they all FEEL SPECIAL. (Or in Bachelor speak ... he has "seen" them?)

In this ep we cry with Matt and his father (Shoes + Pizza ≠ Dad), I compare Matt to the child of a serial killer, Mandy compares the escalating quality of the fantasy suites, and we both wonder what happened to the rest of Rachael's shirt. Michelle is the obvious choice here but will lust, a skydiving accident, and pair of sleepy eyes prevail? One thing we all can agree on: BRI SPRINGS FOR BACHELORETTE 2021 OR WE ARE BURNING THIS MF TO THE GROUND 🔥🔥🔥

If you are a fan of this podcast, please follow us on our Instagram page @bachelormassacre and give us some likes n reviews n junk! Share! Subscribe! We NEED your feedback and ratings to keep this show alive. Don't leave us hanging like Abigail.

J Waves on Insta
MandySays on Insta

Check out these other shows from Sparse Mansion Media available on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and wherever you listen to podcasts.
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I'm too tired to write a witty description of this episode but let's just say that The Women Tell All was a bit ho-hum seeming. I would have preferred a darker shade of lipstick on Serena C, but that's just me. Mandy would have liked to have seen a dang oil treatment on MJ's hair because that shit looked brittle, which I think is how I like blonde hair since I am attracted to farmers, and subsequently, hay. MJ could never be a farmer though because she is afraid of chickens and eggs. Mari really fought for her spot on BIP by acting like she was a relevant contestant but we personally don't give her much airtime. Unfortunately, we do talk about Victoria a lot, from her non-apologies to her aquatic jumpsuit to her use of the word "literally", which struck a chord with my co-host Amanda "Literally, bro. Literally!" Alvarez.

It was also a reminder of how much good stuff gets edited out in favor of drama and fighting. At this point, aren't we all just hate-watching this shit?

Do y'all think that some of this season's women were particularly bad? The term "mean girls" seems to have really stuck to a certain group of them. Let us know if you think they were victims of a bad edit or BAD CREDIT, uknowhatimsayin??? Obviously, all the toxic behavior was purposely highlighted, but do you think it was blown out of proportion? Or are some of these ladies just evil?

Follow us on our brand new Instagram page @bachelormassacre and give us some likes n reviews n junk! Share! Subscribe! Get a prescription! We got what you need.

J Waves on Insta
MandySays on Insta

Check out these other shows from Sparse Mansion Media available on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and wherever you listen to podcasts.
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Hey all. J Waves here. Last week was a mess as far as getting this show done. Monday night I was hit with an epic case of strep throat and my tonsils looked like scorched earth with gravel and scabs poured on it. 8 edibles, 6 pain pills, half a bottle of "severe" NyQuil, and some Amoxicillin later, I am doing much better. But in the brief window between Hometowns and The Women Tell All, Mandy had a birthday which she needed to celebrate all weekend long.

So last night, before recording our TWTA ep, we pieced together a short odyssey of what we remembered about the Hometowns episode which apparently was not much. I still have a craving for ham after Serena P's Canadian field trip and quiz. Serena, please call me soon, I'd love to hear more about the land of maple leaves and gravy. Serena C, I'd love to hear from you as well. You can tell me about "yummm" and "Daddy".

Follow us on our brand new Instagram page @bachelormassacre and give us some likes n reviews n junk! Share! Subscribe! Get a prescription! We got what you need.

J Waves on Insta
MandySays on Insta

Check out these other shows from Sparse Mansion Media available on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and wherever you listen to podcasts.
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OOF. A LOT HAS HAPPENED IN BACHELOR NATION SINCE OUR LAST EPISODE. I highly doubt you fux with this podcast and don't know what has been going on, but just in case: Matt James favorite Rachael Kirkconnell found herself facing accusations of racism when the tasteless behavior of her past was revealed, including apparently bullying a friend for liking Black guys and DEFINITELY getting her "plantation vibes" on at an Antebellum-themed Old South party thrown by a frat whose members regularly beat off to pictures of Robert E. Lee.

Following this, shit REALLY hit the fan when Chris Harrison went on Extra to talk to Bachelorette royalty Rachel Lindsay. You can read about what happened on your own, but let's just say he fucking blew it. Bad. And talked down to Rachel on her own show! As a result, he will be stepping down as the host of the Bachelor for an undetermined period of time and will not be involved in After The Final Rose.

Rachel Lindsay's disrespect, which was totally avoidable, is yet another stain on the not-exactly-diverse franchise. To hear in Lindsay's own words why she felt the way she did, we recommend this episode of the podcast Bachelor Party. To read the full recap from Ali Barthwell that I reference on the show, go here.

While this episode of the Bachelor felt super gross, we still watched it. And recapped the fuck out of it. This was the lead-up to Hometowns so shit is getting realer than "Real Deal" Holyfield.

Follow us on our brand new Instagram page @bachelormassacre and give us some likes n reviews n junk! Follow! Subscribe! Get a prescription! We got what you need.

Waves here. You know that feeling when you start doing a podcast on a totally different podcast but then it no longer makes sense to keep doing it that way so you make it its own podcast? Cause that's, like, totally what happened here. What started out as a bonus feature on my podcast Lurk Mode has become it's own ting-a-ling. So if you've been riding with me and MandySays since then or you are just discovering us, we're glad you're listening to the "brand new" Bachelor Massacre podcast.

This wasn't the most exciting episode of The Bachelor but a lot of things did happen. New candidates for Bachelor in Paradise were sent to their next quarantine. We realized MJ's legs were hawt as they were walking her ass the car. Heather Martin's teeth and toes filled screens across America. Matt James did lip calisthenics in turtlenecks like he has done every single episode. And Katie ... well, let's just say the wax on her wings melted as she flew to close to the sun. Do dildos float?

We also figured out our drinking game for this season: take a shot every time Matt sighs. You'll definitely get some time in between flurries but unfortunately when he DOES sigh, there's usually, like, 4 in a row. Make sure you've eaten before you watch.

Please like, follow, subscribe, rate, review and TELL YOUR FRIENDS about your favorite new Bachelor recap. The next episode of Lurk Mode is on the editing table as we speak. Be on the lookout for new episodes of all your favorite Sparse Mansion Media podcasts ✌️

Welcome to Bachelor Massacre! This episode originally appeared as bonus content on the J Waves podcast Lurk Mode.

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The moment we have all been waiting for has finally arrived: "The Queen" is finally dethroned and YOU LOVE TO SEE IT. Good fucking riddance. It's really a shame because I feel like the majority of what me and MandySays have talked about is how much she sucks. Literally, for 5 episodes. Main topic. But it's all good cause now we can move on to other things like MJ's hair, Rachael's eyes, and Magi's minor-yet-powerful presence. We are already salivating for B.I.P.

This time around we have some hot One-On-Ones with Rachel and Kit and Bachelor Matt James continues to devour lips left and right like cold cuts off a charcuterie board (a phenomenon he just learned about for the first time a few dates ago. How does this guy live in New York??) There is also hella drama with MJ as she settles into her role as the new villain, one she relishes like me when I got to play a cop in a short film. Man, those uniforms are empowering! I wore it for 5 minutes and I was already staring people down and telling them to "move along".

Seeing as how Mandy and I have done a gang of recaps and I have barely done much else with Lurk Mode, we are going to be spinning our recap vibe into its VERY OWN PODCAST courtesy of Lurk Mode and Sparse Mansion Media. So stay tuned for those details, but for now you can keep recappin dat ass with us right here. If all goes according to plan, our next episode will be debuting in its brand new locale.

The next proper ep of Lurk Mode is gonna be a doozy, I'm talking a straight up CELEBRITY PODCAST CLAPBACK with chef and former LA misfit Whitney Dane. We are going to be trading our best TRUE HOLLYWOOD STORIES before she sets the record straight about the time(s) she was "enjoying trips and restaurants" with the "lesbian contractor" with "warrants out for her arrest" ... it's gonna be dope and maybe I'll even have static with another podcast when it's all said and done. I can't wait. See you soon!

Music in this episode:

"Bodak Yellow" - Cardi B
"Captain Save A Hoe" - E-40 ft. The Click
"Captain Save 'Em" - Kool Keith