Discovering Our Scars

Steph and Beth ask each other the ten questions from the show, The Actors’ Studio. They each have a different reaction to the idea of small talk and the questions themselves. This is a conversation about … conversation. Would you rather ask questions or answer questions? What makes asking and answering questions so challenging?

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In Episode 92, special guest Skaie Knox talked about her husband as a “kind person.” That got Steph and Beth thinking about kindness. What does it mean to be kind? When you hear the word “kindness,” do you think of acts of kindness or people who are kind? What’s the difference? Steph and Beth talk about their experiences with kindness and their experiences with attempted kindness (like the time Beth’s Dad rearranged her pantry for her!).

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Skaie Knox is a musician and storyteller who Steph met through their shared work as DIY professionals. In this episode, Skaie shares what it was like for her to grow up with an abusive and explosive father. She shares how that trauma has informed and influenced her journey, without defining who she is as a person. She used to face life fists up, always ready to defend herself and defend her right to exist. Now, after a lot of healing, she approaches life chest up—confident rather than defensive. Skaie leads with her heart because of the legacy of love that comes to her from her grandfather and through her mother. Skaie also shares her brand new song, Come Around, that explores that legacy of love.

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Steph and Beth both have a lifetime of experience being part of the Christian church. Although they normally avoid asking what others “should” do, this episode is an honest conversation about what the church (and all religions) should be doing to make the world a better place. Are their expectations misplaced or is should the church be doing more?

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Steph and Beth both consider themselves allies to the LGBTQIA community. In this episode, Beth shares how her views have changed and how her ally-ship has matured over the years. She used to believe that a Christian with a same gender attraction would need to live a celibate lifestyle, but when she thought critically and carefully about that question, she reached a different conclusion. Every lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, intersex, or asexual person bears the image of God. Too often churches seek to make LGBTQIA persons feel like their sexuality is sinful rather than understanding it as part of the diversity of God's creation. Steph and Beth have an honest conversation about how views are changing, and need to continue to change.

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Juneteenth is the celebration the emancipation of enslaved people in the US. The Emancipation Proclamation was signed in 1862, but it didn’t make its way to Texas until 1865. In this episode, Steph and Beth are joined by Dr. Darryl Scriven who shares his personal experience as an African American learning about and celebrating Juneteenth. We talk about the importance of understanding our history when it comes to the enslavement of people and why the end of enslavement is something we can all celebrate. NOTE: At the time this episode was recorded, Juneteenth had not yet been recognized as a federal holiday. To read about the law changing that (effective June 17, 2021), see the link in the show notes.

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Beth was recently summoned for jury duty. She had mixed feelings. She knew what it was like to present a case to a jury, but she had never been a juror before. Though she was curious, she doubted she would be chosen to serve and she worried the whole thing would be a waste of time. To her surprise, she was selected to be a juror and got to serve! Overall, Beth had a great experience. She and Steph talk about what it was like for Beth to be on the inside of the jury box, what it means to fulfill our civic duty, and how hard it can be to avoid group-think and advocate for an unpopular position.

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Steph and Beth celebrate the second anniversary of the podcast! They introduce a new tagline to make it clear they are all about sharing personal experiences and learning from each other. Of course, honest conversations are the best way to make that happen and that’s still foundational to Discovering Our Scars. If you have a long-term goal or project, this episode will resonate with you and invite you to consider what’s working and what needs to change. Steph and Beth have found that planning is essential, but so is flexibility. They have fun reflecting on the good and not-so-good, and sharing what they’ve learned about working together and the joy of mutual commitment.

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Steph and Beth are joined in this episode by Steph’s high school friend, Megan. As high school ended, Steph could see that Megan was struggling with depression. Unknown to Megan, Steph was struggling, too. Steph tried to “fix” Megan, rather than working on herself but Megan wasn’t ready. They drifted apart for a few years. When they reconnected, they realized how similar their struggles were, and they became closer than ever. It turned out, mental illness made their friendship stronger.

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Steph and Beth talk about times they’ve been diagnosed and how helpful it is to know what you are facing. For Steph, a diagnosis of PTSD felt like a relief because she understood what she was dealing with and she knew that her psychologist understood, too. For Beth, knowing what type of cancer she had was instrumental in getting the right treatment. In general, no one likes to be labeled, but it turns out that labels can be helpful sometimes. Knowing what you are dealing with can make it seem manageable—including when you are dealing with a friend, co-worker, or family member who has a particular diagnosis whether it’s Dyslexia, ADHD, Autism, or even Diabetes.

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Steph and Beth both grew up hearing about “Stranger Danger.” The idea of a stranger is amorphous and unclear, and it only alerts children to potential external danger. But most child abuse happens at the hands of someone the child knows—that was the case for Steph. She was abused by someone her family trusted. This is an honest conversation about why potential danger from within a family, a church, or a social circle can be hard for adults to process, and even harder to guard children against. Maybe instead of teaching “Stranger Danger,” we do better to teach kids to trust their gut and talk to a grownup.

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In this episode, Beth tries to call Steph out for failing to say “Bless You” when someone sneezes. Steph asks why we say “excuse me” or “bless you” in response to normal bodily functions. Why do we have a problem with our bodies doing what they need to do, when they need to do it? This is an honest conversation about politeness and social conventions that we take on without even thinking about them. Steph and Beth also discuss the ways in which politeness might lead us to apologize in insincere ways.

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Experts say that hate against AAPI (Asian American Pacific Islander) communities has risen during the COVID-19 pandemic. In this episode, Steph and Beth are joined by Beth’s friend, Dr. Su Wang. Beth and Su grew up together in Pensacola, Florida. Su says that during those days, she tried to assimilate into the White community and sometimes felt embarrassed by her family’s Taiwanese roots. Su now proudly serves as the Medical Director for the Chinese Medical Program at Saint Barnabas Medical Center in New Jersey. Su shares honestly about what it has been like for her, her patients, and her family, in the wake of rising hate incidents targeted at Asian individuals. She also shares resources that can help anyone do their part to #StopAsianHate and helps educate us on the history of Asian Hate in the United States.

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Some people are talking about weight gain during the pandemic as their “COVID-19,” a nod to the “Freshman 15” (the idea that people often gain fifteen pounds during their first year of college). This prompted Steph and Beth to have a conversation Beth has been avoiding—a conversation about weight, body size, and health. Beth has been overweight her entire life and she knows that most people look at her and assume she is unhealthy. For Beth, our cultural fixation on weight as the single determining factor for whether someone is healthy or unhealthy is a little much. Steph and Beth also consider the importance of ads showing a variety of body shapes, sizes, and skin tones because healthy looks different on each person. This is an honest conversation about how health and weight are conflated in our culture, and how that gets justified under the broader banner of “attractiveness.”

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After a year of living under the weight of a pandemic, we have a new hope; we have vaccines! Steph and Beth each chose to get vaccinated for COVID-19, but they also recognize there are reasons why some folks are hesitant. This is an honest conversation about COVID, vaccines, and how we can make space for disagreement in the midst of hope.

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Dese’Rae Stage, creator of Live Through This, joins Steph and Beth for an honest conversation about suicide. Dese’Rae is a suicidologist and a suicide attempt survivor. She created Live Through This to reduce the stigma and shame around suicide by giving suicide attempt survivors a chance to tell their stories. Too often, suicidality is described using impersonal statistics and anonymous reports. Dese’Rae uses her gifts for photography and storytelling—skills she honed photographing and promoting bands—to help us understand the stories behind the numbers. You might think Dese’Rae’s work as a suicidologist is about death, but actually it’s about life. This conversation is filled with real talk, humor, and practical tips and terminology.

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Steph and Beth have an honest conversation about what sin is, what it isn’t, and who decides. They delve into the ethics of sin by asking questions like: If murder is sin then is the executioner who carries out the death penalty committing a sin? And in what ways is sin individual and in what ways is it communal? Are there things that are okay for some people to do, but sinful when done by others? Can you commit a sin and not even know you’ve done it, or does sin require awareness? What if you are raised in a sinful system where a sin like racism is perpetuated? Steph and Beth also talk about how some people seem to be laser focused on the sins of other people without any apparent awareness of their own shortcomings.

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What does your name say about who you are? In this episode, Steph and Beth have an honest conversation about the connection between name and identity. Beth talks about her ill-fated middle-school attempt to go by her actual name (Elizabeth). She also talks about the decision to change her children’s names when they were adopted. She explains that, while their Russian names were special and important, naming a child is an opportunity to give them roots and a sense of family connection. Steph talks about choosing her public-facing name and using that as an opportunity to honor a part of her family heritage that might otherwise have been lost. Also, Beth shares which nicknames she really can’t stand!

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Never underestimate the importance of being part of something bigger than yourself. Steph and Beth were each part of Girl Scouts, but Steph took it much farther than most—all the way to the end of high school, in fact! Steph sold cookies and earned badges along the way but as a senior in high school she earned the prestigious Gold Award. In this episode, Steph and Beth have an honest conversation about how the things we experience in high school can shape us for the rest of our lives.

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Prayer is the ultimate honest conversation. God is not a vending machine and prayer is not about putting in our order. Why do some people have an active prayer life? What do they get out of it? And talking to God is one thing, but what about hearing from God? Is it weird to hear an audible voice and know that it’s God? Steph and Beth have an honest conversation about what it’s like for them to talk to—and hear from—God.

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