Husband Material

Do you long for connection, but it feels impossible? In this episode, you'll learn extremely simple tools and techniques to create connection in any conversation—using your eyes, face, voice, and words.

Helpful phrases:

• Tell me more…
• What’s it like for you...
• How does that affect you?
• That makes sense (because)...
• It sounds like / I hear you saying…
• It seems like something shifted…
• That stood out to me…

Resources mentioned (including paid links):

• Attunement: The Key To Connection, podcast by Drew Boa
• The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy, book by Deb Dana
• Man Cards: Conversation Starters For Men
• Dear Young Married Couple Card Decks

Take the Husband Material Journey...

• Step 1: Listen to this podcast or watch on YouTube
• Step 2: Join the private Husband Material Community
• Step 3: Take the free mini-course: How To Outgrow Porn
• Step 4: Try the all-in-one program: Husband Material Academy

Thanks for listening!

There are over 40 reasons why men don't talk about their sexual abuse. Let's break the silence. In this episode hosted by Mike Chapman and Doug Carpenter, survivors of sexual abuse share vulnerable stories of harm and healing.

Mike Chapman is a Certified Husband Material Coach and the leader of the HM fellowship for survivors of sexual abuse. Contact Mike at polarlifeconsulting.com/contact

Check out Mike's new podcast: Healing For Male Survivors

• Listen on Apple
• Listen on Spotify

Dr. Doug Carpenter is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist, Certified Husband Material Coach, and the author of Secret Shame: A Survivor's Guide To Understanding Male Sexual Abuse And Male Sexual Development. Learn more at douglascarpenter.com

Husband Material episodes about sexual abuse:

• Was I Sexually Abused? (with Dr. Doug Carpenter)
• Sexual Arousal vs. Sexual Desire (with Dr. Doug Carpenter)
• Healing From Sexual Abuse, Part 1 (with Mike Chapman)
• Healing From Sexual Abuse, Part 2 (with Mike Chapman)
• Porn As Re-Enactment Of Sexual Abuse (with Wendell Moss)
• Rags To Riches To Ruin To Redemption (with Dr. Joe Martin)
• Male Survivors of Sexual Abuse (with Dr. Doug Carpenter and Mike Chapman)

Resources mentioned (including paid links):

• 1in6.org - helpful website
• MenHealing.org - helpful website
• MaleSurvivor.org - helpful website
• Secret Shame: A Survivor's Guide To Understanding Male Sexual Abuse And Male Sexual Development - book by Dr. Doug Carpenter
• Bent On Men: A Memoir On Taboo Feelings, Fraternal Curiosity, And Faith - book by Harrison Bly
• Unchained Memories: True Stories Of Traumatic Memories Lost And Found - book by Lenore Terr
• Scouts Honor - documentary

Take the Husband Material Journey...

• Step 1: Listen to this podcast or watch on YouTube
• Step 2: Join the private Husband Material Community
• Step 3: Take the free mini-course: How To Outgrow Porn
• Step 4: Try the all-in-one program: Husband Material Academy

Thanks for listening!

What is full disclosure? When, why, and how should I reveal sexual secrets to my wife? In this episode, disclosure experts Dan Drake and Janice Caudill walk us through the process of full therapeutic disclosure from beginning to end. You'll learn how to restore truth in your relationship in a way that is healing rather than harmful.

Dan Drake and Dr. Janice Caudill co-founded Kintsugi Recovery Partners and co-authored 5 books in the Full Disclosure Series. They developed the first full disclosure training and certification course, and they provide the highest level of support for professionals using their Restoring Truth Model. Learn more at kintsugirecoverypartners.com

Dan Drake is the Founder and Clinical Director of Banyan Therapy Group in Los Angeles, California. He is a Certified Clinical Partner Specialist Supervisor and a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist Supervisor. Dan is a Christian, a husband, and a father.

Dr. Janice Caudill is an APSATS supervisor, CSAT supervisor, Certified Partner Trauma Therapist supervisor, Certified Partner Betrayal Trauma Therapist, Certified Intimacy Anorexia Therapist, and Somatic Experiencing Practitioner. She is the Founder of Intensive Recovery Healing and Intensive Recovery Coaching. Learn more at intensivehope.com

Buy Dan and Janice's books! (these are paid links)

For you (the blue books):

• Full Disclosure: How To Share The Truth After Sexual Betrayal
• Your Disclosure Document: A 10-Step Guide

For your partner (the green books):

• Full Disclosure: How Disclosure Can Help You Heal (part 1)
• Full Disclosure: Preparing For Disclosure On Your Terms (part 2)
• Full Disclosure: Post Disclosure Healing (part 3)

Take the Husband Material Journey...

• Step 1: Listen to this podcast or watch on YouTube
• Step 2: Join the private Husband Material Community
• Step 3: Take the free mini-course: How To Outgrow Porn
• Step 4: Try the all-in-one program: Husband Material Academy

Thanks for listening!

Your imagination is not bad. Learn the 4 main types of fantasies, how to evaluate the healthiness of a fantasy, and what to do with your healthy/unhealthy fantasies!

Related episodes:

• Sexual Arousal vs. Sexual Desire
• How To Interpret Sexual Fantasies
• How To Analyze A Sexual Fantasy
• Introduction To Sexual Symbolism
• How My Sexual Fetish Shifted Over Time

Take the Husband Material Journey...

• Step 1: Listen to this podcast or watch on YouTube
• Step 2: Join the private Husband Material Community
• Step 3: Take the free mini-course: How To Outgrow Porn
• Step 4: Try the all-in-one program: Husband Material Academy

Thanks for listening!

What is grace, and how does it apply to sexual recovery? Jonathan Daugherty inspiringly explains how grace is not "soft" but the most powerful force for transformation and freedom from porn. Pride, shame, and comparison all melt away under the core truth that you are worth the life of God's son, and that can never change.

Jonathan Daugherty is the founder and president of Be Broken, and founder of the Gateway to Freedom 3-day workshop for men. He also hosts the weekly radio program, Pure Sex Radio. Jonathan lives with his wife and family in San Antonio, Texas.​

Buy Jonathan's books (these are paid links):

• Grace-Based Recovery: A Safe Place to Heal and Grow
• Grace-Based Transformation: The 3-Stage Journey to Wholeness in Christ
• Secrets: A True Story of Addiction, Infidelity and Second Chances

Meet Jonathan, Drew, and other sexual integrity leaders at the 2024 Sexual Integrity Leadership Summit in Colorado Springs, CO!

Take the Husband Material Journey...

• Step 1: Listen to this podcast or watch on YouTube
• Step 2: Join the private Husband Material Community
• Step 3: Take the free mini-course: How To Outgrow Porn
• Step 4: Try the all-in-one program: Husband Material Academy

Thanks for listening!

If you're single and you experience same-sex attraction, this episode is for you. Dr. Greg Coles offers insight, humor, delight, and hope that defies typical Christian categories of what a "good and beautiful life" can look like.

Greg Coles is an author, speaker, and scholar at the Center for Faith, Sexuality, and Gender. Check out Greg's books (these are paid links):

• Single, Gay, Christian: A Personal Journey Of Faith And Sexual Identity
• No Longer Strangers: Finding Belonging In A World Of Alienation
• The Limits Of My World: a novel

Take the Husband Material Journey...

• Step 1: Listen to this podcast or watch on YouTube
• Step 2: Join the private Husband Material Community
• Step 3: Take the free mini-course: How To Outgrow Porn
• Step 4: Try the all-in-one program: Husband Material Academy

Thanks for listening!

What is the difference between outgrowing porn and purity culture? In this replay from The Porn Free Man Conference, you'll experience dramatic examples of what these two approaches look like, sound like, and feel like when you are...

1. Reaching out to a friend after watching porn (failure vs. feedback)
2. Sharing vulnerable parts of your story (harsh and critical vs. gentle and kind)
3. Checking in with your small group (lots of accountability vs. lots of attunement)
4. Feeling the urge to watch porn (battle our sexuality vs. befriend our sexuality)
5. Being sexually attracted to someone (fear and shame vs. curiosity and compassion)
6. Celebrating 6 months without porn (behavior modification vs. becoming mature)

Drew Boa, Doug Carpenter, Henry Brown, and Jordan Castille are all members of the Husband Material Leadership Team.

Related episodes:

• How To Outgrow Porn (Intro To HMA)
• Experience Healing Through Psychodrama
• How To Reframe A Porn Relapse

Take the Husband Material Journey...

• Step 1: Listen to this podcast or watch on YouTube
• Step 2: Join the private Husband Material Community
• Step 3: Take the free mini-course: How To Outgrow Porn
• Step 4: Try the all-in-one program: Husband Material Academy

Thanks for listening!

How can parts work help us outgrow porn? Dr. Gerry Crete combines Christian faith, internal family systems, attachment theory, and EMDR into a powerful approach to outgrowing porn. Learn why we need to work with parts pre-emptively, how to "break the spell" when you're in a trance state, and practical ways Jesus can meet our attachment needs.

Dr. Gerry Crete is a marriage and family therapist and professional counselor who specializes in the treatment of trauma, addictions, and anxiety disorders. He is a former president of the Catholic Psychotherapy Association, founder of Transfiguration Counseling, and co-founder of Souls and Hearts. Dr. Gerry has long been passionate about integrating principles of the Christian faith with effective mental health treatment. 

Buy Gerry's new book (this is a paid link):

Litanies of the Heart: Relieving Post-Traumatic Stress and Calming Anxiety Through Healing Our Parts

Take the Husband Material Journey...

• Step 1: Listen to this podcast or watch on YouTube
• Step 2: Join the private Husband Material Community
• Step 3: Take the free mini-course: How To Outgrow Porn
• Step 4: Try the all-in-one program: Husband Material Academy

Thanks for listening!

How can a husband help his wife during a trigger? Tammy Gustafson reveals what triggers are, how they affect your wife's brain, and what she needs after a trigger tornado has passed. Discover how her triggers can become opportunities for healing!

Tammy Gustafson is a trauma-informed Licensed Professional Counselor, coach, EMDR certified clinician, and speaker with 15 years of experience. She is the founder of Betrayal Healing and host of the Betrayal Healing Conference. She is passionate about helping women find their strength and pick up the pieces of their broken hearts after sexual betrayal, so they are able to see beauty, joy, and adventure again.

Join me at Tammy's Betrayal Healing Conference from January 22-26, 2024!

NOTE: This description contains an affiliate link.

Take the Husband Material Journey...

• Step 1: Listen to this podcast or watch on YouTube
• Step 2: Join the private Husband Material Community
• Step 3: Take the free mini-course: How To Outgrow Porn
• Step 4: Try the all-in-one program: Husband Material Academy

Thanks for listening!

What happens when you combine storywork, artwork, and Jesus? Witness powerful healing in this live demonstration of HMA Coaching! As Drew shares a story of difficulty, chalk artisan Philip Leach creates a visual representation while coach John Kilmer offers attunement. Then we invite Jesus into the story and watch the chalk art change. The result is jaw-droppingly beautiful and incredibly meaningful.

Watch the video of this episode here:

• husbandmaterial.com/blog/healing-through-artwork-and-storywork-with-philip-leach-and-john-kilmer

Philip Leach is a worshipper and friend of Jesus who enjoys expressing creativity and building joyful connection through snow sculpting, Immanuel Doodling, deliberate appreciation, and facilitating times of quiet listening and art. His journey has included lots of hand-painted pottery as well as two decades of presenting “chalk talks”. His primary passion is joining other men in breaking free from anything that’s keeping us from enjoying life, and then practicing skills to move forward powered by Joy.

John Kilmer is a Mental Health Life Coach, Occupational Therapist, and Certified Husband Material Coach. He's a grateful follower of Jesus Christ who is passionate about men's inner healing work. Learn more about John at relaxedcaregiver.com.

This type of experience is now being offered every week inside Husband Material Academy (HMA). The doors to HMA are currently open! Join now before the doors close on January 14 at joinHMA.com

Take the Husband Material Journey...

• Step 1: Listen to this podcast or watch on YouTube
• Step 2: Join the private Husband Material Community
• Step 3: Take the free mini-course: How To Outgrow Porn
• Step 4: Try the all-in-one program: Husband Material Academy

Thanks for listening!

Learn 12 reasons why shaming yourself doesn't help, what's more powerful than shame, and what you can do instead of shaming yourself.

Take the Husband Material Journey...

• Step 1: Listen to this podcast or watch on YouTube
• Step 2: Join the private Husband Material Community
• Step 3: Take the free mini-course: How To Outgrow Porn
• Step 4: Try the all-in-one program: Husband Material Academy

Thanks for listening!

How can I help my partner heal from the impact of my porn and sex addiction? Psychotherapist and author Carol Sheets reveals what sexually betrayed partners need most, and how you can "help her heal" when you create safety, practice empathy, offer validation, and take ownership without going into shame. This episode is super practical and full of great ideas!

Carol Juergensen Sheets (LCSW, CSAT) also known as "Carol The Coach" is the author of many books and workbooks about sex addiction and partner betrayal. She is also the creator of ERCEM: Early Recovery Couples Empathy Model.

Carol is also a guest speaker at The Porn Free Man Online Conference on January 5-6, 2024! Join us at thepornfreeman.com

Books and workbooks featuring Carol Sheets (these are paid links):

• Help Her Heal: An Empathy Workbook For Sex Addicts To Help Their Partners Heal
• Help Them Heal: Teaching You Both How To Heal Your Relationship After Sexual Betrayal
• Unleashing Your Power: Moving Through the Trauma of Partner Betrayal

Learn more about Carol at sexhelpwithcarolthecoach.com

Take the Husband Material Journey...

• Step 1: Listen to this podcast or watch on YouTube
• Step 2: Join the private Husband Material Community
• Step 3: Take the free mini-course: How To Outgrow Porn
• Step 4: Try the all-in-one program: Husband Material Academy

Thanks for listening!

How do you shift from self-condemnation to self-compassion? Chris Bruno reveals how to discover the story behind your struggle with porn. You'll learn what it looks like to rediscover your true "masterpiece-ness" even in the throes of a porn relapse. Our deepest healing lies in turning to the God who knows and created us in His image.

Chris Bruno leads Restoration Project and ReStory Counseling, where he helps people come alive. He is a licensed professional counselor who has decades of experience helping men recover their hearts.

Chris is also a guest speaker at The Porn Free Man 2024 Online Conference on January 5-6, 2024! Learn more at thepornfreeman.com

Check out Chris' online courses at ReStory Labs

Take the Husband Material Journey...

• Step 1: Listen to this podcast or watch on YouTube
• Step 2: Join the private Husband Material Community
• Step 3: Take the free mini-course: How To Outgrow Porn
• Step 4: Try the all-in-one program: Husband Material Academy

Thanks for listening!

What can sexual fantasies teach us? How should we analyze them? In this episode, Drew and Doug vulnerably share and analyze each other's sexual fantasies so you can understand what this work practically looks like and how to do it well.

The best place to start is Husband Material Academy, which opens up on January 1.

Learn more at joinHMA.com

Take the Husband Material Journey...

• Step 1: Listen to this podcast or watch on YouTube
• Step 2: Join the private Husband Material Community
• Step 3: Take the free mini-course: How To Outgrow Porn
• Step 4: Try the all-in-one program: Husband Material Academy

Thanks for listening!

What desires are commonly symbolized by the penis, breasts, kissing, oral sex, nudity, diapers, and feet? Find out in this short and sweet introduction!

Related episodes:

• Theology Of The Penis
• Unwanted Sexual Attraction
• Sexual Arousal vs. Sexual Desire
• How To Interpret Sexual Fantasies
• What Should I Do With My Sexual Desires?

Here is the video I mentioned: Trauma and Sexual Fetish | Where Do Fetishes Come From?

Take the Husband Material Journey...

• Step 1: Listen to this podcast or watch on YouTube
• Step 2: Join the private Husband Material Community
• Step 3: Take the free mini-course: How To Outgrow Porn
• Step 4: Try the all-in-one program: Husband Material Academy

Thanks for listening!

What is the Immanuel Approach? How can it help Christian men outgrow porn? Cathy Little and Melinda Wilson unpack this amazing way to change your brain and heal your heart through connecting with Jesus experientially. You'll also hear a refreshing reminder of how Jesus relates to you with unconditional love, even in your deepest shame.

Cathy Little and Melinda Wilson are the founders of Face To Face Ministries. They are passionate heart healers who have dedicated their lives to activating and equipping men and women with tools backed by brain science to accelerate personal breakthroughs through connecting with Jesus using the Immanuel Approach.

Check out Cathy and Melinda's podcast here.

Immanuel Sessions are designed to help you connect with Jesus, receive healing from emotional wounds and trauma, and uncover lies that keep you from living out the truth of who you are in Christ. There is no agenda other than to help you connect with Jesus and allow Him to lead you into greater healing, freedom, and wholeness.

Schedule an an Immanuel Session with Face To Face Ministries here.

Books mentioned in this episode (these are paid links):

• Streams of Healing: Finding Your Way to Wholeness with Key Leaders in the Inner Healing Movement, by Cathy Little and Melinda Wilson
• The Immanuel Approach For Emotional Healing & For Life, by Dr. Karl Lehman (free draft version)
• The Immanuel Approach For Emotional Healing & For Life, by Dr. Karl Lehman (published paperback version)
• Joyful Journey: Listening To Immanuel, by Dr. James Wilder, Anna Kang, John Loppnow, and Sungshim Loppnow
• Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love, by Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller

Take the Husband Material Journey...

• Step 1: Listen to this podcast or watch on YouTube
• Step 2: Join the private Husband Material Community
• Step 3: Take the free mini-course: How To Outgrow Porn
• Step 4: Try the all-in-one program: Husband Material Academy

Thanks for listening!

What if certain kinds of medication can make it easier to outgrow porn? Adam O'Neill unpacks the benefits and drawbacks of supplementing your sexual recovery with medication such as naltrexone. You'll get wisdom about what to expect and how to decide what's right for you. Adam also addresses common objections and concerns about receiving psychiatric assistance with compassion and clarity from a Christ-centered perspective.

Here are the case reports Adam mentioned about naltrexone:

• Internet sex addiction treated with naltrexone - Mayo Clinic
• Naltrexone in cases of compulsive sexual behaviors - Psychiatrist.com
• Naltrexone in the treatment of adolescent sexual offenders - National Library of Medicine
• Treatment Of Compulsive Pornography Use With Naltrexone: A Case Report - American Journal Of Psychiatry
• Compulsive Sexual Behavior and Alcohol Use Disorder Treated With Naltrexone: A Case Report and Literature Review

Interested in learning more? Bring your questions to our Live Q&A with Adam O'Neill on Tuesday, November 28th @ 7 PM Eastern Time inside the Husband Material Community.

Adam O'Neill is a Certified Physician Assistant who practices Christian Psychiatry in Virginia, where he is licensed to prescribe medications. Adam graduated from Thomas Jefferson University with a Masters of Physician Assistant Studies in 2019. Prior to that, he attended Wheaton College in Illinois, where he earned his Bachelors in Psychology. Learn more about Adam O'Neill & Associates at aoavirginia.com

Buy Adam's book (this is a paid link):
The Mind After Eden: Psychiatry in a Post-Fall World

Take the Husband Material Journey...

• Step 1: Listen to this podcast or watch on YouTube
• Step 2: Join the private Husband Material Community
• Step 3: Take the free mini-course: How To Outgrow Porn
• Step 4: Try the all-in-one program: Husband Material Academy

Thanks for listening!

How has porn impacted your approach to recovery? Learn 7 pornographic styles of recovery and what healthy recovery looks like instead.

Pornographic recovery is:

• isolated
• escapist
• avoiding pain
• impatient
• passive/consuming
• cold and harsh.

Healthy recovery is:

• relational
• embodied
• embracing pain
• resilient
• proactive/creative
• warm and kind

The idea of "a pornographic style of recovery" is based on Andrew Bauman's concept of "a pornographic style of relating" (PSR) as described here:

• A Pornographic Style Of Relating (article)
• The Psychology of Porn (book & paid link)

Other Husband Material episodes mentioned:

• Long Distance Friendship
• How To Heal Your Inner Child
• How To Measure Freedom From Porn
• How To Outgrow Porn

Take the Husband Material Journey...

• Step 1: Listen to this podcast or watch on YouTube
• Step 2: Join the private Husband Material Community
• Step 3: Take the free mini-course: How To Outgrow Porn
• Step 4: Try the all-in-one program: Husband Material Academy

Thanks for listening!

What helps men feel safe to open up and heal from trauma? Dr. James Reeves (the pirate pastor) tells the story of facing his childhood wounds, building a hospital church, and creating the Fearless Series—which is fantastic!

The Fearless Series for Men is designed for Christian men to get the conversation started about childhood sexual, physical, or emotional trauma and how it has affected their lives.

Check it out:

• The Fearless Series For Men: fs4men.com
• The Fearless Series For Women: fs4women.com

Dr. James Reeves has been a pastor for more than 40 years. He nearly resigned, but chose to confront his past, and then used his newfound freedom in Christ to build a "hospital church" based on addressing emotional wounds. James is a regular speaker at conferences across America about how the local church can minister effectively to survivors of sexual trauma.

Interested? Email James at Jamesreeves68@gmail.com.

Take the Husband Material Journey...

• Step 1: Listen to this podcast or watch on YouTube
• Step 2: Join the private Husband Material Community
• Step 3: Take the free mini-course: How To Outgrow Porn
• Step 4: Try the all-in-one program: Husband Material Academy

Thanks for listening!

What if your church was a safe space to outgrow porn? Sam Black explains how porn recovery ministry leads to less work for pastors, more generous donors, more passionate volunteers, and a legacy of health for the next generation. 

Sam Black is the Director of Recovery Education at CovenantEyes. He has edited 16 books on the impact of pornography and authored two: The Porn Circuit and The Healing Church.

Buy Sam's new book (this is a paid link):

The Healing Church: What Churches Get Wrong About Pornography And How To Fix It.

Take the Husband Material Journey...

• Step 1: Listen to this podcast or watch on YouTube
• Step 2: Join the private Husband Material Community
• Step 3: Take the free mini-course: How To Outgrow Porn
• Step 4: Try the all-in-one program: Husband Material Academy

Thanks for listening!