Husband Material

Have you ever felt uncomfortable or unsafe while chatting online? In this episode, I’ll share practical tips on how to escape creepy conversations… and 5 reasons why we sometimes don’t. At the end, you’ll hear real-life examples of how I have responded to unwanted sexual communication. 

Take the Husband Material Journey...

• Step 1: Listen to this podcast or watch on YouTube
• Step 2: Join the private Husband Material Community
• Step 3: Take the free mini-course: How To Outgrow Porn
• Step 4: Try the all-in-one program: Husband Material Academy

Thanks for listening!

Have you ever been rejected? Roy Kim explains how rejection and internalized racism drove him to pornography. He also opens up about what it's like to struggle with with porn as a pastor—and as a male betrayed partner. Roy offers real hope through the power of compassion and community.

Roy Kim, M.Div, CSAT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Southern California focusing on sexual addictions and betrayal trauma. He is a former pastor and enjoys partnering with pastors to educate churches about sexual addiction and betrayal trauma. Roy facilitates groups for sexual addiction, and betrayed partners, and facilitates specialized groups for pastors with sexual addiction. He also hosts the SA Speakeasy Podcast, which centers around sexual addiction conversations.

Connect with Roy here...

• Website: newlegacycounseling.com
• Instagram: @thisisroykim
• Podcast: podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/sa-speakeasy/id1438434927

Take the Husband Material Journey...

• Step 1: Listen to this podcast or watch on YouTube
• Step 2: Join the private Husband Material Community
• Step 3: Take the free mini-course: How To Outgrow Porn
• Step 4: Try the all-in-one program: Husband Material Academy

Thanks for listening!

Do you know what it's like to struggle with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) in addition to porn? Andrew Loyd does; he has also experienced years of freedom. In this episode, Andrew unpacks how OCD and unwanted sexual behavior can be related. With curiosity and compassion, he also highlights the path to healing. This episode is important!

Andrew Loyd is the founder of Restored Story Coaching. He is an ordained minister, Certified Enneagram Coach, and Certified Husband Material Coach. He is passionate about helping people find greater hope and healing through the power of kindness. He works with men and ministry leaders to identify and rewrite the shame scripts running their lives so they can live with greater freedom and purpose. Andrew lives with his family in Eugene, Oregon. In his spare time, Andrew loves playing guitar, songwriting, competitive axe throwing, and pairing a good cup of coffee with an excellent book.

Book a free 30-minute session with Andrew: calendly.com/restoredstory/30min

Learn more about Andrew at restoredstorycoaching.com

Take the Husband Material Journey...

• Step 1: Listen to this podcast or watch on YouTube
• Step 2: Join the private Husband Material Community
• Step 3: Take the free mini-course: How To Outgrow Porn
• Step 4: Try the all-in-one program: Husband Material Academy

Thanks for listening!

Who was David—the boy, the king, the sex offender? In this episode, you’ll see David’s sexual story from a new angle. You'll also get a taste of church with Husband Material Men through the dramatic reading of Scripture, confession of sin, assurance of pardon, and Christ-centered preaching by Drew Boa.

This sermon was delivered on September 10, 2023 at the Husband Material Retreat.

"God loves all parts of you and me. He did not come to destroy our parts. He came to redeem our parts."

NOTE: Watch the video of this episode here.

Take the Husband Material Journey...

• Step 1: Listen to this podcast or watch on YouTube
• Step 2: Join the private Husband Material Community
• Step 3: Take the free mini-course: How To Outgrow Porn
• Step 4: Try the all-in-one program: Husband Material Academy

Thanks for listening!

What is reintegrative therapy? Dr. Joseph Nicolosi Jr. explains his approach to treating trauma and how it can help men outgrow porn. Joseph also shares insights about sexual attraction, sexual development, euphoric recall, and the importance of being able to choose your own values and goals.

Dr. Joseph Nicolosi Jr. is a licensed clinical psychologist, author, researcher, and clinical director at The Breakthrough Clinic in Southern California. He received his Ph.D. in 2009 from the Chicago School of Professional Psychology.

Joseph is the president of the Reintegrative Therapy Association, a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization in which trauma treatment is the goal, and sexual attraction change is often the byproduct. He is the author of multiple peer-reviewed, published articles on Reintegrative Therapy.

To participate in Joseph's new research study on memory recall and sexual arousal, email losangelesresearchcenter@gmail.com. Find out more information here.

Take the Husband Material Journey...

• Step 1: Listen to this podcast or watch on YouTube
• Step 2: Join the private Husband Material Community
• Step 3: Take the free mini-course: How To Outgrow Porn
• Step 4: Try the all-in-one program: Husband Material Academy

Thanks for listening!

How do you handle the intense urge to watch porn? This was Dan Johnson's dilemma. Dan struggled with porn for over 20 years. After re-confessing to his wife, putting filters on all his devices, joining a community of other men, and seeing a certified sex addiction therapist, he was still not experiencing the freedom he was longing for. In this episode, Dan shares the specific strategy he used to finally outgrow porn.

Dan Johnson is a husband, a father, and the creator of The P.A.T.H. Plan and The New Paths Podcast. Dan is passionate about giving guys a practical, effective plan for the frontline of the porn struggle: how to handle and process the intense urge to watch porn.

Download the free PDF: newpaths.me/plan

Listen to the podcast: newpaths.me/podcast1

Take the Husband Material Journey...

• Step 1: Listen to this podcast or watch on YouTube
• Step 2: Join the private Husband Material Community
• Step 3: Take the free mini-course: How To Outgrow Porn
• Step 4: Try the all-in-one program: Husband Material Academy

Thanks for listening!

Have you ever struggled with shame or self-contempt? In this episode, you'll learn the simple formula for healing shame through vulnerability and connection. You'll also hear a vulnerable, shame-filled part of my story I've never shared publicly.

What if shame is actually not a curse, but a clue to our hearts and what we really need?

Shame is a normal human emotion that shows us how much we care.

Instead of using shame as a weapon, let’s use it as a window into where we need to heal.

Take the Husband Material Journey...

• Step 1: Listen to this podcast or watch on YouTube
• Step 2: Join the private Husband Material Community
• Step 3: Take the free mini-course: How To Outgrow Porn
• Step 4: Try the all-in-one program: Husband Material Academy

Thanks for listening!

Touch is one of our most basic human needs. But many of us have been deprived. How can men outgrowing porn embrace healthy physical touch with each other—and prevent harm? Find out in this panel discussion with Certified Husband Material Coaches Drew Boa, Stephen Thomas, John Kilmer, and Mike Chapman. 

You'll learn:

• the importance of safe touch for emotional and sexual development
• cultural differences in physical touch between men around the world
• rules about touch for members of the Husband Material Community
• how to keep yourself and others safe from unwanted touch
• why you need to listen to your body and trust your gut
• what to do if you get a connection erection (aka "broner")
• how to fill your "touch bucket" in a safe, healthy way

Take the Husband Material Journey...

• Step 1: Listen to this podcast or watch on YouTube
• Step 2: Join the private Husband Material Community
• Step 3: Take the free mini-course: How To Outgrow Porn
• Step 4: Try the all-in-one program: Husband Material Academy

Thanks for listening!

This episode answers unique questions for married men who have sexually acted out with gay porn or other men. You'll learn what partners go through upon discovery of gay porn, why transparency matters, and how we can pursue connection with other men while continuing to rebuild trust with our wives.

Tamara Lichfield provides support for women who have experienced betrayal trauma at Becoming Shatterproof LLC.  Tamara has been trained by APSATS (Association of Partners Of Sex Addiction Treatment Specialists). She is a Certified Trauma-Informed Coach, a Certified Trauma Support Specialist, and a Certified Resilience Professional. 

You can reach Tamara  at becomingshatterproof@gmail.com

On Facebook at  https://www.facebook.com/becomingshatterproof

Take the Husband Material Journey...

• Step 1: Listen to this podcast or watch on YouTube
• Step 2: Join the private Husband Material Community
• Step 3: Take the free mini-course: How To Outgrow Porn
• Step 4: Try the all-in-one program: Husband Material Academy

Thanks for listening!

In this workshop led by Drew Boa, you'll learn how to connect with your inner child like never before. 

To complete the exercises, you will need:

• A piece of paper (digital documents will NOT work for this)
• 3 different crayons or colored pencils (if not, just use a pen)
• A posture of curiosity and willingness to try something new

Take the Husband Material Journey...

• Step 1: Listen to this podcast or watch on YouTube
• Step 2: Join the private Husband Material Community
• Step 3: Take the free mini-course: How To Outgrow Porn
• Step 4: Try the all-in-one program: Husband Material Academy

Thanks for listening!

How do you take action after relapse for growth and healing without using shame or punishment? After a porn relapse, what do appropriate consequences look like?

Nick Stumbo and Trevor Winsor are members of the Executive Team at Pure Desire Ministries. Together, they host the popular Pure Desire Podcast.

Free tools mentioned in this episode:

• Recovery Action Plan (for when a relapse has occurred)
• Escape Plan (for when we are triggered or tempted)
• Relapse Prevention Plan (for day-to-day life)
• The F.A.S.T.E.R. Scale (for self-awareness)

Register for the Pure Desire Summit at puredesire.org/summit!

Nick Stumbo is the Executive Director for Pure Desire. He has been in ministry leadership for over two decades. He was in pastoral ministry at East Hills Alliance Church in Kelso, Washington for 14 years. Nick has a Bachelor's in Pastoral Studies from Crown College, an MDiv from Bethel Seminary, and is a certified Pastoral Sex Addiction Professional (PSAP). He has authored two books, Setting Us Free and Safe: Creating a Culture of Grace in a Climate of Shame.

Trevor Winsor is the Marketing Director for Pure Desire. He has been in ministry leadership for 10 years. Trevor is a certified Pastoral Sex Addiction Professional (PSAP). He has a Bachelor’s in Psychology from Corban University, a Master’s in Ministry & Leadership from Western Seminary, and is a licensed pastor. Trevor is passionate about integrating trauma and addiction healing with spiritual disciplines to produce holistic healing.

Take the Husband Material Journey...

• Step 1: Listen to this podcast or watch on YouTube
• Step 2: Join the private Husband Material Community
• Step 3: Take the free mini-course: How To Outgrow Porn
• Step 4: Try the all-in-one program: Husband Material Academy

Thanks for listening!

In this episode, you'll hear the inspiring story of George Morning ("Coach G"). We talk about the challenges faced by black men and men of color in outgrowing porn—and how societal pressures, misconceptions, and the normalization of addiction intensify these challenges. Coach G highlights the importance of finding relatable support and the power of positive internal dialogue.

George Morning (Coach G) is a Certified Addiction Recovery Coach. After 30+ years as an addict and losing family, finances, and faith, Coach G sought recovery in 2013 with The Mindful Habit. Since then, Coach G has helped thousands of men and women overcome their addictions, create healthier relationships, and live passionate lives.

Check out Coach G's book: HabitLand (this is a paid link)

Email: habitlandcoach@gmail.com

Website: beyondhabitland.com

Take the Husband Material Journey...

• Step 1: Listen to this podcast or watch on YouTube
• Step 2: Join the private Husband Material Community
• Step 3: Take the free mini-course: How To Outgrow Porn
• Step 4: Try the all-in-one program: Husband Material Academy

Thanks for listening!

In this episode, I'll share 7 things that shifted my sexual fetish to become less intense, less frequent, less disruptive, and less arousing. NOTE: I believe trying to alter sexual attraction is both unethical and unhelpful. My fetish has not been removed or replaced, and that is not my goal. Rather, my fetish lost its power through a series of shifts that took place as I pursued healing and freedom from porn.

Here are the 7 things that helped me:

1. Talking about the fetish
2. Understanding the fetish
3. Appreciating the fetish
4. Acknowledging the fetish
5. Completing the action
6. Receiving the real thing
7. Stopping the behavior

Related episodes:

• Sexual Arousal vs. Sexual Desire
• The Secret Behind Sexual Fetishes
• How To Interpret Sexual Fantasies
• Unwanted Sexual Attraction

Take the Husband Material Journey...

• Step 1: Listen to this podcast or watch on YouTube
• Step 2: Join the private Husband Material Community
• Step 3: Take the free mini-course: How To Outgrow Porn
• Step 4: Try the all-in-one program: Husband Material Academy

Thanks for listening!

What does psychodrama actually look like? In this episode, Rick Carlson tells the amazing story of his psychodrama process at the Husband Material Leaders Retreat.

Register now for the upcoming Husband Material Retreat at husbandmaterial.com/retreat

The early bird discount ends on August 1st.

Rick Carlson is a Recovery Pastor, Life Coach, and Certified Husband Material Coach. Learn more at comebackcoaching.org

Dr. Doug Carpenter is an author, clinical psychologist, and Certified Husband Material Coach. Learn more at douglascarpenter.com

Take the Husband Material Journey...

• Step 1: Listen to this podcast or watch on YouTube
• Step 2: Join the private Husband Material Community
• Step 3: Take the free mini-course: How To Outgrow Porn
• Step 4: Try the all-in-one program: Husband Material Academy

Thanks for listening!

What is psychodrama? How can it help men outgrow porn?  In this episode, Dr. Doug Carpenter explains why this powerful type of therapy creates profound healing experiences and accelerates freedom from porn.

Picture this: you're on stage. You're the protagonist in your own drama, undoing and redoing the story of your life. But you're not alone. Your director is attuning to you. Your auxiliaries (other actors) are supporting you by playing the roles you need them to play. Your audience members are witnessing your process as they share in your healing. You find yourself saying things you've never said, feeling things you've never felt, and doing things you've never done. That's what psychodrama allows you to do.

Dr. Doug introduces the basics of psychodrama as well as techniques like doubling, spiraling, role reversal, and using props. We talk about the need for creativity and spontaneity while staying sensitive to the Holy Spirit and the needs of each group member. We also marvel at the beauty of inviting Jesus into this process. At the end, you'll learn how we are incorporating psychodrama into Husband Material (both online and in-person) to help men heal and outgrow porn.

For online psychodrama:
Apply to join a Level 2 Husband Material Group (space is very limited)

For in-person psychodrama:
Register for the Husband Material Retreat in Santa Barbara! (September 8-12)

Dr. Doug Carpenter is an author, clinical psychologist, and Certified Husband Material Coach. Learn more at douglascarpenter.com

Take the Husband Material Journey...

• Step 1: Listen to this podcast or watch on YouTube
• Step 2: Join the private Husband Material Community
• Step 3: Take the free mini-course: How To Outgrow Porn
• Step 4: Try the all-in-one program: Husband Material Academy

Thanks for listening!

Have you ever pretended to be fine when you're really not? In this episode, Stephen Thomas explains "I'm Fine Syndrome"—what it is, why we struggle with it, and how to crush it. You'll learn the importance of honoring your wants and needs...and the power of being authentic. Admitting you're not fine is an act of bravery and the first step towards true freedom.

Stephen Thomas is a husband and father who has enjoyed freedom from porn and hookup culture for over 14 years. He is a Certified Husband Material Coach who provides coaching for individuals, couples, and groups. Stephen is passionate about seeing men who feel hopelessly buried by addictions come alive and realize the strength God has placed in them.

Learn more at stephenthomasconsulting.com

Apply to join a group at husbandmaterial.com/group

Facebook: facebook.com/stephenthomasconsulting

Email Stephen at stephen@stephenthomasconsulting.com

Text Stephen at 864-881-1749

Take the Husband Material Journey...

• Step 1: Listen to this podcast or watch on YouTube
• Step 2: Join the private Husband Material Community
• Step 3: Take the free mini-course: How To Outgrow Porn
• Step 4: Try the all-in-one program: Husband Material Academy

Thanks for listening!

"He said at 74, I am having the best sex of my life. At 74, my penis only occasionally shows up for the party. But I am still having the best sex of my life. I wish I had known in my thirties how to have this kind of sex."

What is sex ultimately about? How can married couples enjoy sex more? How do you deal with differences in sexual desire? In this episode, Dr. Michael Sytsma offers a robust theology of sexuality AND clinical wisdom on how to unlock arousal, increase intimacy, and have fun in the bedroom.

Dr. Michael Sytsma is a licensed professional counselor, certified sex therapist, ordained minister, professor, and national speaker. He has over 30 years of clinical experience in sex therapy and is the founder of Building Intimate Marriages, Inc. and co-founder of Sexual Wholeness, Inc.

Buy Mike's new book: Secrets of Sex & Marriage: 8 Surprises that Make all the Difference (this is a paid link).

Learn more at secretsofsexandmarriage.com

Take the Husband Material Journey...

• Step 1: Listen to this podcast or watch on YouTube
• Step 2: Join the private Husband Material Community
• Step 3: Take the free mini-course: How To Outgrow Porn
• Step 4: Try the all-in-one program: Husband Material Academy

Thanks for listening!

Can masturbation ever be neutral or healthy? In this episode, I'll explore complex moral questions about masturbation. Together with a live audience, we'll analyze 10 situations you may have never considered before:

• A toddler touches his penis to feel pleasure
• A young boy learns to masturbate from his uncle
• A teenager masturbates to regulate his emotions
• A teenager masturbates while imagining a cheeseburger
• A single man committed to celibacy discovers "core-gasm"
• A single man who has never masturbated escapes purity culture
• A man masturbates without lust to try to wean himself off of porn
• A married man masturbates without his wife's knowledge or consent
• A man getting a vasectomy masturbates to obey his doctor's orders
• An elderly man massages his penis to warm up for sex with his wife
• A married man masturbates to connect with his disabled wife

You'll also hear insights about how to talk with children about masturbation, how to stop masturbating, and more.

Regardless of your particular view, this thought-provoking conversation will leave you with more curiosity, more compassion, less confusion, and less shame. Listen! You won't regret it.

Take the Husband Material Journey...

• Step 1: Listen to this podcast or watch on YouTube
• Step 2: Join the private Husband Material Community
• Step 3: Take the free mini-course: How To Outgrow Porn
• Step 4: Try the all-in-one program: Husband Material Academy

Thanks for listening!

What is masturbation? How does it affect the brain? What does the Bible (not) say about it? What will happen to me if I don't masturbate? In this episode, I'll share insights from neuroscience, the New Testament, and my own story of masturbation. 

I've been researching this topic for the past 13 years...so I have a lot to share! You'll learn why myelination matters (even in masturbation without fantasy). You'll hear how masturbation combined with pornography has increased widespread erectile dysfunction (including in my life). You'll find out what happens if you don't masturbate (hint: you'll be okay). You'll also learn the difference between lustful intent and simply noticing an attractive person (what purity culture didn't teach you). Most importantly, you'll ask better questions and develop a more mature perspective on masturbation!

Come back next week for part 2 of this teaching.

Resources referenced:

• Your Brain Off Porn - podcast episode
• Supernormal Stimuli - educational comic
• How Pornography Harms - book (paid link)
• Porn Withdrawal Survival Guide - free ebook
• Brain Heart World - free documentary series
• C.S. Lewis on Masturbation - excerpt from a letter

Bible verses referenced:

• Matthew 5:27-28
• 1 Thessalonians 4:3-6a
• 1 Corinthians 6:12-20

Take the Husband Material Journey...

• Step 1: Listen to this podcast or watch on YouTube
• Step 2: Join the private Husband Material Community
• Step 3: Take the free mini-course: How To Outgrow Porn
• Step 4: Try the all-in-one program: Husband Material Academy

Thanks for listening!

Growing up between worlds, third culture kids face unique challenges in developing their identity and sense of belonging. Can these experiences create a higher risk of struggling with pornography? John Kilmer reveals the impact of moving during crucial developmental stages, and how unprocessed grief and loss can lead to unwanted sexual behavior. Through John's story, we discover the burden AND the beauty of being a third culture man.

John Kilmer is a Mental Health Life Coach, Occupational Therapist, and Certified Husband Material Coach. He's a grateful follower of Jesus Christ who is passionate about men's inner healing work.  As a child, John traveled the world as the son of missionaries.  These early experiences deeply shaped his worldview, fostering curiosity and adventure. John lives with his wife and children at Deerhaven Farm and Retreat in the rural hills of northeastern Washington.  He enjoys canoeing, photography, hiking, and leading men's healing groups, both at his property and online.

Learn more about John at relaxedcaregiver.com.

Book a discovery call with John here.

Take the Husband Material Journey...

• Step 1: Listen to this podcast or watch on YouTube
• Step 2: Join the private Husband Material Community
• Step 3: Take the free mini-course: How To Outgrow Porn
• Step 4: Try the all-in-one program: Husband Material Academy

Thanks for listening!