I Know, I Need To Stop Talking... so I made a podcast

In which my 40th birthday celebrations finally happen; Beth and her teams play some bloody brilliant football; I am the Embarrassing Proud Parent; we give grateful praise to the brilliant grassroots sports volunteers out there; I prove all of the reasons why I probably won't become a football announcer any time soon; we remind ourselves why comparison is the thief of joy; I discover that sometimes scaled back celebrations are the best kind of celebrations of all; me and my daddy have a Long Walk; I am hysterically reunited with my BFF for the first time in a year and a half; Jamie gets very confused by pink cheese; my oven is an embarrassment; I get the meat sweats; and Beth makes a somewhat unexpected cameo podcast experience.....

In which I record the last podcast of my 30s; I almost make a total tit out of myself at work; Covid is a dick; we celebrate the brilliance of teenagers; Beth's birthday cake nearly breaks me; and I relive some of my personal highlights of the last decade, including poo, shouting, confusing furniture, Dr Google, football football football, the world's coldest hot tub, living out childhood dreams, and of course, #celebrityflaps.

In which I get absolutely bloody soaked; we discuss the hell of a hungover Saturday morning, poolside; Beth encounters gravity; we discuss the awful murder of Sarah Everard and the changes in our society that we need to see; Jamie gets Covid, just in time for Birthday Month *facepalm*; I make a terrible confession; I reminisce over The Greatest Birthday Cake Of All; my children ruin The Greatest Birthday Cake Of All for me; I learn what Proper Podcasts are actually supposed to sound like (clue: it's nothing like this one!); and my cats are - as per - absolute dicks.

In which I share the truths I wish I'd known before I became a parent; my Ocado delivery goes rogue; everyone loses their shit over petrol; Google Maps and I fall out; I have to learn to let go, and am SO BAD at it; I hit peak parenting madness; I come up with a revolutionary new design for the human body; nappy changing is confusing; sleep deprivation is the pits; and I reach my parenting nirvana.

In which I share some of my most mortifying moments over the years; I get to live out an all time dream; I have an Irritating Week, and you are all bloody brilliant; I am thoroughly wound up by "fidgets"; weeing in a cup proves to be extremely difficult; Jamie performs a character assassination; I learn that pride very much comes before a fall; I confirm all the reasons that you should not take your children bra shopping; and I prove that I am an utter liability who clearly should not be allowed to Adult unaccompanied.

In which I go Out Out; my neighbours are batshit; I explain whyTop Gear probably won't be calling me up any time soon; we stay in perhaps the craziest AirBNB of all; I fail utterly to pack light; my children go feral; Jamie's PE kit is a public health hazard; and Beth gives me some painfully honest feedback.

In which I thank you all for being so bloody brilliant; I am That Mum; we appreciate the golden moments; Jamie lives his best life; we play Aggressively Competitive Car Games; I recall the Car Journey From Hell; Jamie is geographically challenged; and I tell you all about my cervix.

In which this podcast celebrates its one year anniversary, and I say a massive thank you to all of you for supporting it; I remember just how much I hate running; Jamie gets his head around the miracle of childbirth; I GO TO THE PROMS!; I explain why you should never, ever take Beth to the theatre; and we take a trip down podcast memory lane, including my favourite interactions with Ocado, my cats being dicks, me failing at DIY, my struggles with root vegetables, and that time with the F***ING milk *facepalm*

In which I take a trip back down memory lane to life as a teenage girl in the 1990s; I feel better and WELL, and ALIVE!!!; the children have sleepovers; we discuss the reasons why the phrase "sleep when your baby sleeps" is absolute BULLSHIT; bath pearls are weird; I manage to refer repeatedly to a "puffa jacket" as a "puffa coat", which explains all the reasons why I was never ever cool enough to wear one; the Judderman scares the bejeezus out of me; the Athena man troubles me; the English language is confusing; and the Ocado man makes my absolute day.

In which I get poorly sick; we are lucky enough to go away on holiday; Jamie reaches new levels of ineptness; I lobby for crazy golf to become an Olympic sport; there's a reason I've never become a book publicist; my children's lack of fussy eating backfires on me; we should all try to be more kind; and my cats are, as usual, utter dicks.

In which they finally turn down the sun; I participate in the competitive sport of Dishwasher Reemptying; teachers are amazing; Beth is scathing about my Olympics prospects; I have the least relaxing Zoom call ever; I introduce The Willy Blanket; we share reading recommendations; holidays with small children are NOT a holiday; and we embark on the HELL that is worming cats. Also, listen out for the bit where I mispronounce "kicky" to sound like "kinky", which gives a whole new meaning to the anecdote I'm telling. Face palm.

In which I reveal the outcome of my Ocado debacle; Beth is vaguely mortifying; football doesn't come home... but it kind of does; Jamie almost gives me heart failure; I out-gross The Maggot Story; Jamie is an utter hero, and I might actually be The Hulk; Jamie gets a makeover; we take a trip down memory lane; I have perhaps the most traumatic holiday experience of all; and the whole thing is underpinned by the sound of express trains as I fail miserably to shut my windows.

In which I apologise for absence; we face the least fun family Saturday night activity ever; ASAP is a dick; I am obstreperous, and get into trouble with my mum; I relive memories of Euro 96; Jamie is an absolute hero, and I am once again an Embarrassing Parent; a trip Out Out takes its toll; and football comes home.

In which my kitchen appliances are dicks, as are my cats; I max out on helicopter parenting; Jamie achieves a teenage dream; the podcast hits the Apple Top 10; I get very angry with the Government; football is coming home (surely?!), and I discover I am still not over Euro 96; Jamie and I fail to cope with click and collect even slightly; and I share one of my most mortifying moments of all.

In possibly my most Too Much Information podcast yet, we talk about bloody periods; Jamie gets wet; I am very grateful not to be in a restaurant with small children; there is rather a lot of blood (definitely not one for the squeamish); we talk feline vasectomies; Biff and Chip get turned into a TV show and almost every single one of you decides to tell me about it; Jamie is a hero; periods are knobs; midwives are incredible; and we talk clots, period pants, and  fanny plasters.

In which it is a bit bloody hot, and I am Not At One with the sun; my children fail to work suncream; I develop a frankly genius business idea and plan my pitch to Dragons' Den; everyone over the age of 50 bangs on about the Great Summer of 1976; I confess to one of my secret fears, and appall my teacher with my water saving suggestion; I take the world's least educational school trip; I trace my podcasting days back to the wilds of France, circa 1990; a bee and I have a fight, which ends badly for at least one of us; teenage summer drinking rarely ends well; Gro Eggs are evil, my crab husbandry skills let me down; and I come up with the worst possible outfit choice for a trip to the Norfolk mud flats.

In which Mr IKINTST and I celebrate 21 years of being together with a romantic weekend away..... with the children; I reveal why I Don't Do Tents; Jamie and I are utterly appalling at golf (and easily distracted by giant lizards); those five years (FIVE YEARS) of swimming lessons finally pay off; Jamie confesses to a slightly obsessive interest in Neep the turnip; the cats are twats; after eighteen months, I GET TO HUG MY DADDY; we discuss the mysteries of the Playdough License; and I share a classic Parent of the Year moment.

In which I think we can safely conclude that the fitted sheet is the most dickish household object of all time; the sun FINALLY comes out; I take a social media break and celebrate 12 years of blogging; the phrase "piss on your chips" absolutely baffles me; I go rogue and do another podcast which is Not This One; my children prove themselves to be utterly inept at cleaning; the Ocado driver is an absolute hero; I clean out the fridge and discover the World's Saddest Swede; I explain how categorically not to pack a suitcase; and Mr IKINTST and I head off for possibly the least romantic trip away of all time.

In which I get my first Covid vaccine (SO grateful) and have a little cry of joy; we have a bonkers week; Jamie experiences an emotional rollercoaster; cats continue to be twats; Beth gets extremely confused about organ donation; my dad and I have a slightly surreal experience on a train; I take a trip down memory lane and reminisce over farmyard animals, wildly unsuitable shoes, and the hidden dangers in a tin of tomatoes; I prove all of the reasons why I'm not a doctor; and I get generally really quite emotional about how utterly brilliant our NHS - and everyone who works for it - is.

In which I get utterly drenched (nothing to do with the sex); Andie McDowell irritates me; Beth picks up a football injury; I book my Covid vaccine; Jamie is traumatised; it's time for Beth to have sex ed (and I sincerely hope that her teacher has sufficient gin to recover from the experience); the Joy of Sex thoroughly confuses me; Jamie recommends all the reasons you should consider becoming a Mormon; I make a compelling bid for the Worst Parent Of The Year Award; Beth fears she's missing out on some ketchup; I share a truly mortifying moment; Jamie is narrowly averted from asking the World's Worst Question; and we talk masturbation.