I Know, I Need To Stop Talking... so I made a podcast

In which 2020 almost gets the better of me in the most ridiculously batshit and exhausting week; my household appliances are dicks (standard); Jamie tells me more about YouTubers than I have ever wanted to know, ever; I FINALLY give blood; I recall all the reasons why I will never be going on a rollercoaster again, ever; I am euphoric to be freezing my tits off on the side of a football pitch; I fail utterly miserably to wrap any Christmas presents and share the Worst Christmas Present Wrapping moment of all; and we discuss the importance of finding those little moments of joy, in a year that has tried so bloody hard to be an absolute cockwomble.

In which Beth declares she is an Independent Woman; we get a letter home from school; I have the most bonkers start to a Sunday imaginable; and I discover that "traditional" is so last year when it comes to Christmas jumper designs... Plus a reminder to all parents of small children about the reasons they should categorically not feel guilty. And a guest appearance from Sandwich the cat!! FMAL.

In which I share some of my very favourite highlights of my total lack of coordination whatsoever, including The Worst Parking Ever, and all of the reasons why you shouldn't try and dance a can-can while wearing a basque. Plus, my cats are dicks... I'm sharing a bit of love for all of the small businesses out there... and we discover the reasons why Jamie probably won't be stepping into David Attenborough's shoes any time soon.....

In which I recall, in graphic and lurid detail, the spectacular moment from this week when four pints of rotting and fetid milk exploded around my kitchen. To be accompanied by a dead rat the size of my forearm, obvs. Also featuring the true secret behind my dining room table; why it's so okay not to be okay; the reasons I think it's highly unlikely Jamie will ever become a vegan; and what period pants and marbling have in common. God, that ****ing milk *head in hands*

And mine is a time filled with discussions on the relative merits of assorted STDs. In which I discover the real reason Jamie is so keen to get out of the house on a walk; I recall the true horrors of Washing Machine Boy; I am exceedingly open about just how excruciatingly tough I found the early years of parenting, and why I believe we all find our time; and my dishwasher is an utter dick.

In which I attempt to keep on smiling through the shitstorm which is 2020 by sharing a few of my favourite things. Including my cats' most dickish moments from the last seven days; why all household objects are essentially twats; the Christmas side dish Beth is most hopeful of (it's never going to happen); and why being kind to yourself right now is probably the greatest thing any of us can do.

In which I get thoroughly upset about the fact that the people running our country appear to think it is more important that young children can recognise a fronted adverbial than it is for them to have food when they're hungry; Beth terrorises the Ocado man; I talk a lot about why you shouldn't let glitter covered pinecones make you feel like shit; and we have a general reminder that parenting is not a competition, and that even if Competitive Dave has made a life sized effigy out of organic vegetables: you are still doing an amazing job.

In which absolutely bloody everyone has a birthday. Featuring all the reasons you should never try and make tiling out of marzipan; why greengrocers' stalls feature in my nightmares; and the truth about who actually ate the marzipan poo...

Ah, school run, how I've missed you. Not. In which I share some of my "favourite" school run memories: including why The Right Sort Of Carrier Bag is a food tech essential; why water bottles are absolute dicks; and the utterly mortifying tale of possibly my most legendary school run appearance of all...

In which I share my thoughts, musings and experiences of the deeply flawed engineering feat which is childbirth. Including all the reasons why giving birth is not as similar to sitting my GCSEs as I thought it might be; why your hospital bag probably shouldn't look as though you've just packed to go on a two week long haul holiday; and I discuss the correct etiquette for making polite conversation whilst a total stranger's fist is rammed up your foof. They never mention that in DeBretts.

The teaching profession gets a frankly terrible press, and so, to counteract that, here is my podcast in praise of all those who work on the front line of education. In which I share some of my earliest school memories; tell you about The One With The Traffic Cone; go on a trip down memory lane to the infamous moment when Jamie started school (*head in hands*); and share the phrase that I still can't believe that a teacher managed to say to me with a straight face. Teachers, you are utter bloody legends. 

In which I buy leggings with pockets (THE DREAM); everyone goes back to school; and I brace myself for the HELL which is jeans shopping and bra shopping. Plus, a look back at the infamous Big Black Nipples moment.. from when my children were small and I took them bra shopping with me. I know. What a ****.

In which I experience what can only be described as a frankly bonkers week. Highlights include the soul-leaching process of attempting to get Jamie to collate everything he needed for his first day back at school; a weirdly detailed interaction with a pair of rugby boots; a live rendition of the I Love You song; the world's worst book launch; and all of the reasons why you should never, ever, ask me for directions...

In which I share some of the moments during lockdown which most drove me to gin. Highlights include children (and cats) being dicks during Zoom calls; the preparation and cooking of circa 12 million meals per minute; and the memorable day Jamie told me he was doing his history project.....

In which I can put off the evil task of purchasing my children's school uniform no longer. Featuring shouting, and swearing, and shouting and swearing, and an unfeasible amount of gin.

In which I take my first foray into the murky world of podcasting. Despite not actually knowing what a podcast is. Amongst other things, I'm discussing the arseplectrum which is 2020; batshit crazy cats; why I cannot wait for the schools to reopen; and why Original Source mint and tea tree shower gel has frankly got it in for my family.