In the Middle of It with Amy Kelly, The Ish Girl

DEVELOPMENTALLY APPROPRIATE TEENS

I talk a lot about what’s developmentally appropriate in teens. I’ve done a couple of Episodes on it, I did a 5-part series on it for middle school teachers, I have an eBook about it. (All free resources you can find in the Referenced in the Episode section at the bottom of this page.)

I bring it up frequently because it’s something that’s had a HUGE impact on my own parenting, and how I frame connecting with teens on the podcast and in the classes I teach.

HOW AM I SHOWING UP

But, one of the biggest ways it’s influenced me is probably not what you’d think.

Yes, understanding the things that are developmentally appropriate in teens has helped me reframe my expectations with my teens. But more significantly, it’s brought into focus areas where I’m not showing up as an adult with my kids.

Here’s what I mean.

When I first laid out the list of developmentally appropriate behaviors in teens, it was after a long discussion with my good friend Tami, who is a counselor. (You can listen to us talking about it in Episode 35 & Episode 36.) Here’s that list, in case you’re wondering.

THE LIST

It is developmentally appropriate for teens to:

• be emotionally reactive
• be overly self-conscious
• have insecurities about their place with peers
• value their peers’ opinions over adults’
• not be aware or able to voice what they feel, think, or want at times
• experience increased body awareness and comparison
• be impulsive and exhibit reward-seek behaviors
• make choices that don’t reflect the values and beliefs they’ve been taught
• question and challenge the values, beliefs, and world views they were raised with
• lack empathy for others
• lack the ability to connect their current actions to possible future outcomes or consequences
• withdraw from challenges and avoid potential failure
• complain about their parents and feel like they’re being treated unfairly

When I read through this after we’d compiled it, my first reaction was, “Hmmmm.” Because I knew I displayed a lot of these behaviors sometimes. Not all of them, but enough to make me question how fully . . . developed I am, shall we say. Being emotionally reactive? Check. Not being able to voice what I think, feel, or want at times? Check. Withdrawing from challenges to avoid potential failure? Check.

HAVE GRACE WITH YOURSELF

Now, you know I’m all about having grace and compassion with myself – that’s the very definition of being an ish girl – one who has humorous grace with herself when discovering she’s messed up or flaked out. Again. And boy did this list give me a ton of opportunities to practice that.

But having grace with yourself doesn’t mean staying in the same place indefinitely. It’s good to understand what’s developmentally appropriate in teens, because those are areas where they are growing, figuring out who they are and who they’re not. But all of us? We’re the grownups.

LEVERAGING WHAT YOU KNOW ABOUT BEING DEVELOPMENTALLY APPROPRIATE

I knew I need to address those areas where I was – for the sake of making this simple – acting like a teenager. So here’s what I realized:

It’s my job to show up as the grownup.

That means I need to get super comfy with recognizing when I’m in fight-flight-or-freeze mode with my teens and know how to get myself out of it BEFORE I work with them on the issue at hand. Also to cozy up to? Offering sincere apologies and making amends.

It’s my job to know what it looks like to be the grownup.

It’s not about getting it perfect every time. It’s about knowing what the ideal is, shooting for it, and showing grace for yourself (and your teens!) when you don’t hit it. And I can promise you, you won’t.

It’s about becoming familiar with the things that are developmentally appropriate in teens, and modeling what it looks like to handle things as a fully developed and mature adult.

I need to remember what’s under my umbrella – and what’s NOT.

Regardless of age, my children's’ attitudes, words, thoughts, feelings, actions, emotions, beliefs are NOT under my umbrella. What is? ONLY my own attitudes, words, thoughts, feelings, actions, emotions, beliefs. Which means I have NO CONTROL over any of those things in my teens. That factoid saves me a lot of frustration because trying to control those things in others is a no-win prospect.

I need to continue the conversation with my teens when we’re not in the heat of the moment.

When my teens are being developmentally appropriate, I need to deal with the immediate effects and mitigate any damage – which might look like redirecting them to more appropriate behavior, giving them (or myself) alone time to think, asking pertinent questions, etc. But it is AFTERWARD, usually when we’re doing something where we’re not face-to-face, like driving, walking, working in the kitchen, that the best interactions happen. After we’ve had time to process the previous events, I use moments like those to ask questions, to make amends, to communicate any hurt feelings, and to reconcile and reconnect. These are times when I intentionally communicate to my teens that I love them no matter what.

I need to hold myself responsible for how I show up with my teens.

Teens may look like little adults, but they’re definitely NOT. Remembering that like 2-year-olds, they’re still in the middle of developing emotionally, mentally, and socially, is a good way to stay on track. Yes, we obviously have different expectations of a 13-year-old than we do for a 2-year-old, but the principle is the same. You didn’t get angry with your toddler when they threw a tantrum, because you expected it. (hopefully!) So why would you get angry when your 14-year-old throws a fit because you told her “No, you can’t go to the coed sleepover, even if all your friends are going.” You can pretty much count on her doing that.

WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT WHAT'S DEVELOPMENTALLY APPROPRIATE IN TEENS?

If you want to take a deeper dive into developmental appropriateness, getting out of a fight-flight-or-freeze response, or even how to stay under your own umbrella, check out the Referenced in this Episode section below to find links to those episodes. You’ll also find links to an eBook about what’s developmentally appropriate in teens and a graphic that explains the Under Your Umbrella idea.

THE ART OF PARENT-TEACHER COMMUNICATION

Last week, we talked about how oftentimes, the dynamic between teachers and parents is very cautious sometimes, if not contentious. If you’re on the teacher side of things, it’s easy to fall into dreading – and trying to avoid – parent contact. If you’re on the parent side of things, it’s easy to go all Momma Bear before hearing everything a teacher has to say.

Neither are great ways to support our teens.

Right now, I want to acknowledge that teachers and parents are doing their absolute best at communicating – sometimes even going to extreme measures - during this coronavirus quarantine. Just last night I watched a news story where a high school principal visited every single one of his seniors.

So I know we’re all trying.

But I have a tough question that I’m respectfully asking you to consider.

Is there room for improvement in the parent-teacher dynamic you have going on? In how you communicate?

BE THE CHANGE

Assuming some of you answered yes, the next logical question is “how?”

I’m going to fall back on Gandhi here, go with a very overused quote – "You have to be the change you want to see in the world."

So, if you want the parent-teacher communication dynamic to change, you have to be the one to spearhead the effort. That means setting aside any of your previous experiences and moving forward in a different way. Last week was all about the first step – setting aside your history and preconceived ideas. I created a free resource to help you do that, The Shift Your Communication Mindset Inventory, that walks you through the process. You can find a link to it on the show notes page at theishgirl.com/ep79.

This week is all about the second step, moving forward in a different way. So let's dig in!

THE FIRST ORDER OF BUSINESS

When you determine that communication needs to happen, first ask yourself if this is something your student/child needs to do on his/her own? If yes, guide and empower them. If no, prepare to communicate on their behalf by answering the following questions:

• What’s the purpose?
• Who’s the audience – could be students, parents, colleagues, administration?
• What outcome do I want?
• What format/context do I want to use?

FORMAT FRAMEWORKS

The Sandwich Format

Intro, Positive, Challenge/Issue/Problem, Positive, Closing

The Parfait Format

Intro, Positive, Specific Positive Details, Positive, Closing

The Article Format

Intro, Who, What, When, Where, Why, Closing

The Recipe Format

Intro, Step 1, 2, 3, etc., Closing

DIFFERENT KINDS OF PARENT-TEACHER COMMUNICATION

There is a problem or concern and we need to work together to solve it

• SPEAK IN-PERSON FIRST
• Use The Sandwich Format
• Explain what you’ve already tried
• Suggest the next step

I’d like to offer a compliment, a thank you, or kudos

• Use The Parfait Format
• Give concrete examples

I need to share information with you for a reason

• Use The Article Format
• Use specifics
• Explain why you’re sharing/sending

I need you to do something

• Use The Recipe Format
• Make sure the measurable results are clear

WRAPPING UP THE PARENT-TEACHER COMMUNICATION

Whether meeting in person, making a phone or Zoom call, or writing an email or physical note, you need to prepare. If it’s real-time, at the very least jot down talking points, using the frameworks I shared. You may even want to literally outline or script it if you’re nervous and worried you won’t be able to stay on track.

Before you make contact, make sure to take some final steps.

Review, Revise and Format

Ask yourself these questions:

• Did I set the right tone?
• Is it as simple as I can make it?
• Did I use the least amount of words possible? I like to use the rule of thumb inspired by Antoine de Saint-Exupery (who wrote The Little Prince) “Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.”
• Is there white space?

A quick aside. I was talking to a couple of friends about someone I knew who was experiencing micromanagement. One of them pointed out that when someone is feeling micromanaged, it’s usually a red flag that there is a lack of communication. When you proactively answer any questions that might arise, you prevent that feeling of someone looking over your shoulder.

RESPONDING TO PARENT-TEACHER COMMUNICATION

Now, let’s flip things to the receiving end of communication. Here are some steps you can follow to maintain a positive dynamic.

• Begin by assuming the best.
• Be curious, rather than demanding.
• Take deep breaths.
• If you’re communicating in real-time and find you’re having trouble processing at the moment, say it. Ask for more time and even ask for a written version of the information if you think it would be helpful and doable.
• Remember that everyone makes sense. When you know someone’s story, their behaviors, attitudes, and actions suddenly become more understandable.

Implementing these communication strategies can alleviate any dread, defensiveness, stress, and anxiety you may have.

YOU GET TO DECIDE

What you have to decide is: Do you want to be proactive, and set the tone when you engage in parent-teacher communication? Or do you want to be reactive and avoid it until there’s no other choice left? Or approach it with suspicion and distrust?

When it comes to communicating in a way that best supports our kids, I vote for proactive every time.

If you want to be proactive, you can get started by checking out the helpful articles I curated on my show notes page for this episode. There is also a free Parent-Teacher Communication Checklist, including examples, to help you keep these suggestions and frameworks in mind.

I’d love to know how this goes for you! You can reach out via all my socials – there are links below, or, you can join my email list and reply to me there. You definitely don’t want to miss my weekly messages, where I share things I don’t talk about anywhere else. You will find a link to sign up on my show notes page.

PARENT-TEACHER COMMUNICATION

One of the things that has struck me in this coronavirus-affected world, is that parent-teacher communication has shifted drastically in the past month and a half. It’s something we’ve all experienced, with teachers and school districts making heroic efforts to get learning back on track while everyone is quarantined.

If you’re a teacher, huge kudos to you. I know the shift to teaching online, coupled with the new levels of communication that are required has been challenging.

If you’re a parent like me, you may have scrambled to keep up with the sheer number of emails coming at you – if you have multiple kids who have multiple teachers, you just have to do the math to get an idea of the communication onslaught – with my 2 kids and their 8 teachers each, that’s 16 emails plus any that are coming from the school district regarding event cancelations and other pertinent announcements.

Add in the working-from-home component, and, well, it’s a lot.

And that’s coming from me – who has 2 kids who are completely autonomous when it comes to their school work.

A TRANSITION TO COLLABORATION

Don’t get me wrong. I LOVE that there is this transition to collaborating, even if it’s under duress. Because “collaborating” isn’t a word I would have used to describe the relationship between secondary schools and parents until now.

I’ve been on both sides of the equation and I get it. As a teacher, I often dreaded communicating with parents (more on that to follow.) As a parent, it takes some intentionality to keep from defaulting to defensiveness when I hear from my kids' teachers – especially in the first few seconds when I don’t know why they’re reaching out.

When we take a hard, honest look at the parent-teacher COMMUNICATION dynamic, it’s safe to say that it’s not an assume-the-best situation. In fact, it’s easy to see that many – if not most – are characterized by walls built by both sides.

And it makes sense – both sides have some degree of mistrust that is probably valid, given past experiences. But my question is: is that what’s best for kids?

A BEAUTIFUL OPPORTUNITY

The answers to that question are very different as we all pivot in this season of quarantining and social distancing. My speculation is that nothing will ever look like it used to, even in a post-pandemic world.  Teachers and parents need to be prepared for a different dynamic when it comes to school.

In the case of communication, it’s a beautiful opportunity to shift the defensive dynamic and grow into a new way of collaborating. When I imagine what the fall will look like, I think about rolling quarantines, creative scheduling to allow for smaller classes (and social distancing), and a continuation of virtual learning. And all of those things? They require a different model of communication than the one we’ve used in the past.

The one thing that remains the same is this: we all – schools, teachers, parents - agree that our kids need a supportive community of adults who are focused on what’s best for them.

And THAT’S what I want for middle school students everywhere – a place where the adults in their lives are both/and. They’re united and relentless in their goal to love and serve their teens well.

THE HERE AND NOW

My knee-jerk here is to tell a story about the “good ole days” and how when I was a kid what happened at school was reinforced at home. BUT. I think that’s part of the problem. We have to walk in the here and now if we’re going to address this. And the here and now can be REALLY hard.

Finding ways to move past the distrust and find common ground takes not only new frameworks and systems but also addressing past experiences.

DREADING PARENT-TEACHER COMMUNICATION

Remember when I confessed earlier that as a teacher, I dreaded talking to parents? There was a reason for that – and I’m sharing to show you just exactly how past experiences influence us.

The Experience

In my second year of teaching, I had a student whose mother worked in the school office. He was belligerent and disrespectful and disrupted class pretty much every day. I tried for a long time to deal with it on my own – I was embarrassed and I didn’t want anyone to know that I couldn’t manage my classroom. Unfortunately, the situation took a turn for the worse when his mother became seriously ill. I continued to try to deal with the classroom situation on my own until it got to the point where it was seriously affecting other students. I wasn’t providing them a safe space to learn.

I finally talked to the school counselor and the other teachers on our team, and they confirmed what I already knew: I needed to call home.

The Conversation

And I did. And it wasn’t pretty. I talked to the student’s father, and he proceeded to BLAST me. I got off the phone without any resolution, feeling personally attacked. The situation was never really resolved – I just tried to ride it out as graciously as I could for the rest of the year.

As you might imagine, that event influenced how I felt about contacting parents. I DREADED it. It wasn’t until I had an incredibly positive experience a couple of years later that my mindset shifted.

Looking back, there are so many things I wish I’d done differently. So many places I could have made a better choice. And that Dad? He could have made better choices too.

But at the moment, I could only see how earnestly I was trying to do the right thing, and he was being unbelievably cruel and antagonistic.

The Result

As a parent myself now, I can imagine that in his eyes, I was being insensitive and ridiculous, taking attention away from the real crisis his family was dealing with, and adding to their burden.

Hindsight, of course, is 20/20. And the unfortunate result of that incident is that it profoundly influenced how I felt about contacting parents. I DREADED it, because my feelings around it were a tangled ball of shame, fear, and self-doubt. It wasn’t until I had an incredibly positive experience a couple of years later that my mindset shifted.

A POSITIVE SHIFT IN MY PARENT-TEACHER COMMUNICATION

The Experience

That positive experience happened when 2 Moms (who happened to be best friends) kindly and persistently pursued all the teachers on my team, in order to volunteer and provide support wherever we needed it. I think we were all super uncomfortable with it at first – that knee-jerk defensiveness was at play. “What’s the ulterior motive? Why are they doing this?”

But they consistently showed up and supported us not only in practical tasks like making copies, organizing our conference room, coordinating chaperones for field trips; they also supported us with encouragement and positive feedback.

The Result

Over time, it opened my eyes to how powerful it was to have strong relationships with students’ parents. It gave me the boost I needed to be more proactive in reaching out to parents. I learned that we all wanted the same thing – the best for these kids we shared.

Armed with that knowledge, I began to contact parents in a positive context as soon as possible during the school year – with something specific about each teen. Doing that meant that they were much more likely to be receptive to communicating about any challenges later on.

I also realized something else – if I stood back and looked at the whole of my interchanges with parents, the majority were NOT negative. Most were at least neutral if not positive.

THAT’S NOT GOING TO FLY HERE

My next story may seem like a tangent, but stick with me – there’s a lot of relevance here.

When my daughter was around 12, we were in Target one day and she made a very disparaging comment about herself. We were waiting in line to check out, and I remember telling her, “NO. WAY. That’s not going to fly here. I don’t let ANYONE talk to my kids that way – not even you. Give me 10 things you really like about yourself. Go.” She pushed back, but eventually, she listed out 10 things. She started out grudgingly, but by the time she got to 10, she was giggling and more than a little surprised at how her mindset had shifted.

So why did I share that?

SEVEN TO ONE

The whole reason I had her list out those positives about herself is that I know it takes 7 positive experiences/thoughts to counteract one bad one. That, and I had seen one of Maria Shriver’s daughters talking about how her Mom made her do it. But the 7-to-1 ratio is real. You can check out this article to see the research behind it.

So what does that mean for you?

TAKING INVENTORY

>Download a free printable to walk you through this process<

Step 1

First, if dread and defensiveness are part of the dynamic in your school/home relationships, take an inventory of why that is. Literally list out any negative experiences you’ve had, negative stories you’ve heard from others, or negative messaging you’ve gotten.

Step 2

Then, flip it. List out the neutral and positive experiences, stories, and messaging you’ve had.

Step 3

The next step in this process is to look at each thing you listed and decide what was under your umbrella – where do you hold any responsibility? Where could you have done something differently? Where do you do something well?

Step 4

Once you’ve compiled that evaluation, take it and decide what you want to carry forward, and what you want to leave behind. You can circle or highlight in 2 different colors, make a new list with two columns, use the free template I made, however you want to do it.

An Example

To give you an example of how this might work, let’s use my own story of that student from my 2^nd year of teaching. For that experience, for what was under my umbrella, I’d put: not contacting the parents sooner, not asking for help from the beginning, and letting my ego get in the way and convince me I could handle the situation on my own. What I did well was staying calm and respectful during my conversation with the Dad.

What I’d carry forward? Addressing the issue immediately, asking for help

What I’d leave behind? Trying to do it by myself; procrastinating

THE COURAGE TO CLAIM RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR ROLE IN PARENT-TEACHER COMMUNICATION

Doing this exercise is not for the faint of heart. It means stepping into responsibility and out of a place that might feel easier – playing the role of a martyr. Believe, me, in that situation with the student and his Dad, I played the martyr for a long time before I owned my part in it. The Dad was mean to me. The kid was disrespectful. I was doing my best. All true, but not helpful to park there and stay. It takes humility to own your part in things – but isn’t that what we want to model for our teens?

What better place to start owning your stuff than in your school/home relationships?

THE AMAZING RESULTS OF POSITIVE PARENT-TEACHER COMMUNICATION

The last thing I want to mention is that when adults unite around supporting their teens, amazing things happen.

Gaps Close

The gap that exists when there’s a disconnect between school and home is closed, and a safety net is created that helps keep kids from falling through the cracks.

Resources Open Up

Resources open up for all the parties involved – teachers are gifted with volunteers, donations, and encouragement, parents with information, counseling, and feedback about their kids.

Unity Prevents Miscommunication

It prevents teens from playing the two ends against the middle (something that is developmentally appropriate, by the way.) What I used to say at Meet the Teacher night was: if you’ll believe half of what you hear about me at home then I’ll believe half of what I hear about you in the classroom. It was tongue in cheek but it got the point across. While we want to validate and support our kids, they are not fully developed or equipped to understand all the nuances in a situation.

MORE ON PARENT-TEACHER COMMUNICATION NEXT WEEK

I’m going to continue this conversation in Episode 79 of In the Middle of It, when I’ll share strategies to use to communicate with clarity, in a way that produces the results you want. Be sure to tune in!

QUARANTINE LIFE

This week, I’ve found it super-difficult to concentrate on anything for any length of time. Over the past few days, I’ve felt like crawling back into bed – and to be completely frank, a couple of days, I have.

Why am I sharing this? Because I’m pretty sure I’m not alone in being quarantine-weary. And although here in Texas, things are loosening up a bit – retail stores are opening today for curbside service only, and restaurants can have up to 25% capacity – it’s hard to get a clear picture of what post-quarantine life is going to look like.

SUBCONSCIOUS DESIRES

What is becoming clear to me is that I’ve had a whole lot going on subconsciously – like really, really, really wanting my son and his classmates to get to have a real graduation. Like hoping that even though his new student orientation for college has been switched to being virtual, that he’ll get to do Fish Camp before classes start in the fall. That classes will actually start in the fall.

Now that some of the pressure is easing on stay-at-home orders, I’m starting to grieve all the things that we’re missing. The loss of the rites of passage that weren’t only for my son, but also for my husband and me. The traditions that would have helped ease us into this momentous life-transition.

CHANGING THE PLAN

I had a different outline for this week’s episode that I finally set aside earlier today. It was a struggle to say exactly what I wanted to, and I finally realized that it was okay to let it go for now. I know I’ll get back to it next week, and I’m having grace with myself about it.

And that’s why I’m sharing all this with you.

YOU’RE NOT ALONE

If you’re feeling sad, grieving the losses that the coronavirus quarantine has brought – big or small – know that you’re not alone.

And I say that in all seriousness. While you may think that someone else’s grief or loss is bigger or more difficult than what you’re experiencing, they are not things that can be compared. Grief is grief and loss is loss, no matter the degree. It’s okay to acknowledge what you’re feeling, embrace your emotions, and let them pass through you.

In fact, I would argue that the more you resist and fight against what you’re feeling, the longer you’ll be dealing with it. Giving yourself permission to sit with your emotions and truly feel them is a brave thing to do – because it can be painful.

ENCOURAGEMENT AND COMPASSION

I want to encourage you this week, if you’re struggling like I am, to have compassion with yourself. To treat yourself gently and validate all the things you’re feeling.

Along those lines, I thought I’d share some of the strategies I’ve been using to cope this week. It’s been different each day, as I process all the things.

QUARANTINE COPING STRATEGIES

Here’s what I’ve tried and recommend:

Nap

Resting can give your brain time to process your emotions plus it has the added benefit of restoring your energy and helping reset your frame of mind.

Reminisce

I’ve found myself going through photo albums of my kids’ toddler years and even some of my high school scrapbooks and yearbooks, marveling at how quickly the years have flown by. Remembering events and milestones from the past has helped me prepare for the ones we’re about to walk through.

Read

You knew I’d be including that one! Indulging in a feel-good novel has helped me escape for a few hours. Not to mention giving me warm-fuzzies as I keep my reading material light and on the happily-ever-after side of things.

Do a puzzle

Who knew there’d ever be a puzzle shortage? I was oddly excited to get a new puzzle in the mail earlier this week. Don’t judge! Sorting by color and finding all the edge pieces is a zen place for me. Maybe it is for you too?

Journal

I try to spend a few moments every morning writing. I think I’ve shared before that I usually I start with 10 things I’m grateful for. Right now, I’m also writing about how I’m feeling, and describing some of the things I’m sad that we’re missing, and not just the big ones. Things like the reunion that is usually held at the kids’ elementary school for seniors, when teachers come back to see the adults their former students have grown into. Or coffee with friends, where we hug when we both get to the restaurant. In a weird way, I’m trying to put everything down so that later on, when my grandkids ask me what it was like the time the world shut down, I can pull out my journals and share. I know you have your own list too – why not put it down so you don’t forget?

Go outdoors

Whether it’s a walk or a bike ride or sitting outside with a drink to watch the sunset, being out in nature is a great way to give yourself a breather and reset.

Do something for someone else

I’ve found one of the best ways to get out of my own head is to focus on helping someone else. It doesn’t take much to write a note to a friend or pick up the phone and check on someone who is quarantining alone. And you can get creative with this – I have to share what someone in our neighborhood has done that’s brought a lot of joy to me, and I’m sure to others. They took stones, about the size of the palm of your hand, and painted them with all kinds of things – faces, encouraging sayings, cartoon characters, emojis – and placed them everywhere. Next to light poles and fire hydrants. Propped up against mailboxes. When we’ve been out walking, it’s been so fun to spot them. Something so simple, yet impactful.

Let it go

Be flexible with your expectations for yourself. If you’re finding it hard to stick to your “normal” schedule – like I am – have compassion with yourself. Give yourself permission to let things slide if you need some time to grieve, to process, to sit with your feelings. It’s okay to not be okay.

What about you?

So, there you have it. 7 ways to cope with the quarantine blues. (Plus 1 extra!) I’d love to know if these strategies resonated with you and if there are other things you’re trying as you walk through the challenge of this quarantine. You can be part of the conversation by joining me in my Facebook group, in the middle of it.

MENTORS RATHER THAN TEACHERS

Truly impactful teachers transcend instruction and become mentors. All it takes is building connections with students.

Track with me here. Because I know from first-hand experience the problem is that it can be difficult to build those bridges. A lot of teachers are struggling to keep their heads above water - especially in their first few years in the classroom. Between creating lessons with a curriculum you're learning as you go, trying to figure out the style of classroom management they want to use, and keeping up with grading, it's hard to get into a connection mindset. Throw in all. the. meetings, and the paperwork, and did I mention the meetings? It can leave teachers feeling like connecting with their students - and impacting them positively - is quickly dying dream.

THE URGENT VS. THE IMPORTANT

The good news is that many teachers are pursuing connection and working to manage all the urgent things so they can focus on the important ones. They're trying out different strategies and methods to manage their classrooms, their paperwork, and their time. They're discovering ways to get to know their students individually, build connection with them, and become a mentor.

I've seen it this play out personally in the lives of my own teens - I know the teachers who impacted them in middle school, the ones who treated them as individuals and inspired them to think more, dream bigger, and reach farther. I know that you had those teachers too - maybe they were the ones who inspired you to step into the classroom yourself?

THE CONSEQUENCES OF NO BRIDGES

I've also seen what happens when teens don't have any bridges built with adults. You only have to look at the statistics to find the grim picture. More than 1 in 20 8th grade students reported using alcohol, marijuana, or illicit drugs. 90% of students in grades 4-8 report have been harassed or bullied. And 3% of kids 13 or younger have had sex - which, by the way, that number jumps to 20% by the time teens hit 9th grade.

It's our job to disrupt those numbers - not in some abstract way, but one student at a time. To connect in meaningful ways that have a lifelong impact. To know our students, love them right where they are, and inspire them to become the best versions of themselves, and thrive right now. Not when they're adults. Not when they're high schoolers, but in this moment.

A DEEPER PURPOSE

That's what I stand for. My mission is to give you, a middle school teacher with a passion for your students, who has a deeper sense of purpose, exactly what you need to transform into that mentor.

My First Year Teaching

Here's exactly when I knew I was called to a bigger purpose than "just" teaching social studies. I was working at a very diverse school in Alexandria, VA. It was my first year of teaching, and I was on a team with 3 other beginning teachers. Thank goodness there was one veteran on the team - looking back, I'm sure it was a tough year for her too, being our mother hen. 

An Unexpected Discovery

The school was in an area full of gangs, and although nothing violent ever happened on our campus, we knew it was the backdrop of our students' lives. At the time, slam books were a thing - this was in pre-cell phone days, and kids would pass the notebooks back and forth, and the content was usually not inspirational. But the day I confiscated a notebook from one of my 4th-period students, I had no clue what I was about to uncover. I'm sure I thought it would be the same typical, gossipy, bullying type of rant typical of the other 8th-grade-girl slam books we came across. I wasn't prepared to read about how this beautiful, precious girl had been traumatized over the past weekend, attempting to join a gang.

QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME

I did all the "right" things, bringing in the school counselor, letting her know that we loved her and wanted to help her however we could. But it left a mark. One I'm grateful for. It's a mark that compels me to make connections and work to build bridges with teens so that horrors like she experienced, are eradicated. Because the question that still haunts me is: if that young woman had had an adult she trusted, someone she had confidence knew her and was for her, would she have made the same choice? 

TEACHING IS NOT ENOUGH

That question led to this discovery: it's was not enough for me to only teach my subject. I needed to shoot for something more.

It was frustrating because it felt like I was doing everything I could humanly possibly be doing. For those of you who have survived your first year of teaching, you know what I'm talking about. I was overwhelmed and exhausted. It was grueling to create lessons from scratch, figure out my classroom management plan, get everything graded, attend all the meetings, fulfill all the communication expectations, and learn the school culture. How could I possibly get to know my students personally when I barely had time to eat most days? Yet, it didn't feel like enough.

QUESTIONS THAT LEAD TO DISCOVERY

Was teaching my students social studies enough? Would getting them all to pass the state test at the end of the year make me the kind of teacher I wanted to be? Well, let me ask you - have you ever had a teacher who helped you pass a test who you didn't connect with? Yeah, me too. Not only ones I didn't connect with but ones I couldn't stand, who I'd NEVER look to for advice or as a role model.

But on the other hand, have you ever had a teacher who you trusted? One who taught you worlds more than their subject area, who just helped you human better?

I found myself asking: Isn't it important to teach students how to show up for themselves and others? To strive to understand and encourage them? How is sticking solely to teaching your subject going to help you build that kind of connection with your student?

THE SATISFACTION OF CHOOSING TO MENTOR

If you're like I was, in that moment of discovery, the thought of adding one more responsibility to my plate was disheartening - but the prospect of going on, as I was, was more than disheartening - because why continue to teach if I wasn't making an impact?

I knew staying on the same path wouldn't satisfy my soul - the piece of me that propelled me into the classroom in the first place. Staying meant I was going to continue to feel unfulfilled, disconnected, and ineffective. Change sounded scary - adding anything else to my plate felt impossible. But imagining what it could look like to connect with my students gave me a sense of expanding hope. A spark of energy. Connecting could transform everything and give meaning not to my life - but to my day.

THE JOURNEY TO BECOMING A MENTOR

I knew changing how I managed my time was going to play a big part in this transition, and so was mastering the curriculum I was teaching. More importantly, amassing strategies to connect in the small moments was going to super-important.

Keeping track of all the little pieces of information I learned about students every day became a priority. Remembering the pieces of their lives that they shared, asking them about the sports they played, the parent who was traveling, the TV show they enjoyed - those were the first hammer swings in building a bridge. Sharing parts of myself was important too. Stories about my dog, my trips home to Texas, and the YA books I was enjoying became part of our conversations.

It was a start. And every year, I got one step closer to becoming the kind of teacher I wanted to be - connected. Empowered. Impactful.

Going beyond teaching, becoming a mentor satisfied my soul and fulfilled the sense of deeper purpose my heart longed for.

HOW ABOUT YOU?

How about you? My question for you is this: are you satisfied with being a teacher? Or do you feel the calling of a deeper purpose? One that compels you to become a meaningful mentor? If that's you - if you're compelled, I'd love for you to join my Facebook group, In the Middle of It. It's a place where we're having that conversation - what it looks like to start the journey to becoming a mentor. I'd love to see you there!

Check out the episode show notes for related links and resources.

Learning Styles and A Paradigm Shift

As an educator and a Mom, one thing I know for sure is that I want to equip my teens with everything they need to manage their own learning. Understanding how I learn best and how my kids learn best makes a HUGE difference in the way I teach – whether in the classroom or at home – AND it puts them one step closer to becoming independent, lifelong learners.

Now, when I was in the classroom, that shift came about as the result of a project my entire team did at the beginning of one school year. And to be clear, after that first time we did it, it was part of our interdisciplinary curriculum every year after.

For the assignment, every kid had to use a guided journal, and detail different life experiences they’d had, using 8 categories that were based on Howard Gardner’s Multiple Intelligences. At the end of the project, students did a presentation sharing which intelligences they were strong in and those where they were challenged.

It gave us a lot of insight into our students and helped us get to know them.

Bringing Learning Styles into Lessons

Our challenge after the project was figuring out how to incorporate that insight into our lesson planning.

If you’re a teacher, you know exactly what I’m talking about – putting together a one-dimensional lesson plan is a big challenge when you’re first starting out. And creating a one-size-fits-all assignment is certainly the simplest way to do things, but is it the most effective? To create eight different assignments – to fit ALL the different learning styles – that’s a recipe for crazy-making.

The trick was to find efficient ways to hit as many learning styles as we could – and to recognize when our own learning styles were biasing us.

Eventually, we got into a great rhythm, offering projects with a choice for what kinds of end products students could submit. Mixing up lesson formats to present information in a variety of styles and letting students have some freedom in how they worked in class.

Learning Styles in the Time of Coronavirus

Now, obviously, teachers don’t have a whole lot of wiggle room when it comes to the kinds of assignments they’re giving. During this coronavirus quarantine, the constraints of e-learning are definitely at play.

But parents? Discovering your own learning style and your students could be a game-changer. Because while it’s literally impossible for a teacher to tailor instruction for each individual student (it gives me a panic attack to think about that level of work!), a parent can.

Am I suggesting that parents need to know how to teach Algebra or French or Statistics or AP English? Absolutely not. What I AM saying, is that knowing your teen’s learning style can give you another tool to share with them; another way to support their learning.

What It Might Look Like

Imagine being able to show your visual learners how to turn class notes into visual symbols, then back into words again, to better study for a test. You could have your auditory learners explain the new math concept to you. Your read/write learners could condense class notes into a bulleted list. Or you could role-play taking the test with your kinesthetic learner, so they can practice.

You get the idea – you can see how knowing those specific learning styles can be super helpful. (I’ve shared links with more information about this in the “Referenced in this Episode” section below.

Different Ways to Look at Learning Styles

Having said that, what I want to do next is share some different ways to look at learning styles.

There are a ton of ways to “categorize” yourself – and your teens – but for our purposes, we’re going to explore 3 different ways to look at the way you learn.

Howard Gardner’s Multiple Intelligences

First, and this is the one I used with my students in the project I mentioned earlier, is Gardner’s multiple intelligences.

Here’s what they are:

• Linguistic intelligence
• Logical-mathematical intelligence
• Spatial intelligence
• Bodily-Kinesthetic intelligence
• Musical intelligence
• Interpersonal intelligence
• Intrapersonal intelligence
• Naturalist intelligence

Multiple Intelligences Learning Styles in Action

The link between the intelligences and learning is that you process and learn optimally when new information is presented in the area of your strongest intelligence. For instance, if I was a history teacher talking about the American revolution, I might have someone with a strong

• linguistic intelligence read primary documents from the time period
• logical-mathematical intelligence put together statistics about the time period – population size, number of people in the armies involved, etc.
• spatial intelligence read (or create) a graphic novel detailing key events
• bodily-kinesthetic intelligence act out one of the key events or create a dance that represents key events
• musical intelligence study music composed during the time period and relate it to the events of the day
• interpersonal intelligence have a group discussion about key events of the time period and cause/effect between them (taxes & Boston tea party, etc.)
• intrapersonal intelligence journal as if they were someone from that time period experiencing a key event
• naturalist intelligence research how the natural terrain, animal population, etc. helped or hindered the American and British militaries

Bernice McCarthy’s 4MAT

Okay, the next kind of learning style structure we’re going to look at is the 4MAT model. This is something I dabble with as a teacher, but also as a speaker. The idea is that everyone has a question they need to have answered when they're in a new learning situation. (Go to http://theishgirl.com/ep75 to see the visual.)

Type 1 likes self-reflection and looks for personal meaning. They learn by making connections.

Type 2 likes facts. They think through ideas, research what the experts say on something. They learn by examining ideas.

Type 3 likes doing. They experiment, build, and tinker. They learn by applying.

Type 4 likes creating. They look for hidden possibilities, explore new ideas, and create and adapt. They learn by trial and error.

How I’ve Used the 4MAT Learning Style

The way I’ve used this, specifically, is by trying to draw in my audiences by answering the first three questions at the very beginning of the talks I give. For instance, with this blog post, I let you guys know in the beginning that my goal is to equip teens with everything they need to manage their own learning (that’s the why) and that one way to do that is by understanding different learning styles (the what) and that we’d be exploring how to use learning styles if you’re a parent who’s homeschooling or a teacher who’s creating e-lessons. (that’s the how.)

The What If, I don’t really have to address, because there are those of you out there who are already thinking about, what if I used it this way with my kids? You know who you are!

The VARK Guide to Learning Styles

The last type of learning style structure we’ll look at is the VARK format. It was developed by Neil Fleming, and it’s an acronym for Visual, Auditory, Read/Write, and Kinesthetic. If it sounds similar to the multiple intelligences – well, it is. But there are a few nuances. This is from the website vark-learn.com/ and it outlines what each category represents

• People with a strong visual preference for learning like:

different formats, space, graphs, charts, diagrams, maps, and plans.

• People with a strong aural preference for learning like:

discussions, stories, guest speakers, and chatting.

• People with a strong read/write preference for learning like:

lists, notes, and text in all its formats, whether in print or online.

• People with a strong kinesthetic preference for learning like:

senses, practical exercises, examples, cases, and trial and error.

You Can Use the VARK Guide to Learning Styles Right Now

The reason I’m including the VARK theory is that they offer a great questionnaire to help figure out where you land in their version of learning styles – plus, they have a resource page that walks you through learning and communication strategies that work best for your style.

How I’ve Used VARK with My Family

Just to give you an idea of how we’ve used them in our family; my son is an aural learner, and he was on the Academic Decathlon team this year. They had multiple reading guides on a variety of subjects that they started studying last summer. He used my podcast equipment to record himself reading the guides and downloaded them to his phone so he could listen to them all the time.

My daughter, on the other hand, is a list-maker (the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree – she comes from a long line of list-makers) and she puts everything down on paper or in her remind or list apps on her phone to keep track of all her things.

Do You Want to Equip Your Teens to Manage Their Own Learning?

This isn’t something that you have to be perfect at. In fact, it’s a whole lot of messy trial and error – for parents AND for teachers. But the bottom line is this: Are you the kind of parent and/or the kind of teacher who wants to equip your teens with as many tools as you can? The kind who is teaching your teens to manage their own learning?

I’m a linguistic, quadrant 4 What If, Read/Write learner. What are you? What are your teens? I’d LOVE to know! You can grab graphics for each style on my show notes page and post them on your own social media – just be sure to tag me and use the hashtag #ishlearningstyles!

And teachers, I’d love to know how you’ve incorporated learning styles into your classroom – pre-COVID and now. Go to the link on my show notes page to leave me a voicemail and tell me what you’re doing. You might be featured in an upcoming podcast episode!

Head to my show notes page for more resources.

TEACHERS SAVE THE WORLD

This is my son’s senior year. So far, classes have been canceled. Prom has been canceled. We’re anticipating that his Baccalaureate ceremony and graduation ceremony will probably not be far behind.

Making that loss even more profound is the fact that his class helped open his high school as freshmen, the only students in the school. A grade was added each year, and this year is the first they’ll have a graduating class.

TEARS AND CHEERS

It’s something I’ve been grieving for him, that he doesn’t really understand, not having seen any classes go before him. And until yesterday, I didn’t know that I’m not the only one. As he and I drove up to the school to pick up his cap and gown and graduation invitations, I realized that a whole other group is profoundly affected too. We rounded the curve toward the drop off lane behind the school cafeteria and were greeted with the sight of several teachers and counselors, cheering, holding up signs, and waving as car after car passed through. They greeted my son by name, from their socially-distanced posts and told him they missed him, told him to let his younger sister know that she was missed as well. They tucked a “Congrats to our Senior” yard sign in our back seat and sent us up the line to the masked and gloved people from Jostens, who handed out the green, gold and black packages with military precision.

And as I pulled away, I wept. For the efforts to make this special. For the loss that my son will remember and tell his own children and grandchildren about.

THE HEROES OF THE DAY

By the time we left the parking lot, my heart was swelling with gratitude. Because the heroes of the day were those teachers, who showed up – again – for my kids. The same way they’ve been doing since the beginning of this crisis.

Much has been made so far of the healthcare workers on the front lines fighting COVID one patient at a time. And rightly so. But in this moment, I have to say that teachers are going to go down in history for saving the world, too, during this crisis.

Every lesson plan, every zoom call, every assignment graded and returned, has created a sense of normalcy for our kids. Has created a routine and a structure that helps parents manage time at home with their kids.

And that? It’s invaluable.

TEACHERS – WE SEE YOU

Add to it the actual care and concern and I daresay even love that these teachers have for you kids and mine, and it’s enough to bring tears to my eyes – again.

If you are a teacher out there, know that you are seen and appreciated. Not because we parents don’t know what to do with our kids during this 24/7 enforced togetherness. Not because we’re stumped by the math they’re doing and are grateful you know how to teach them what’s what.

No. It’s because we see how much love you have for our children. We see how you are juggling all the things in your house AND helping us juggle what’s in ours. We see you learning new tech, adapting and modifying your instruction and still managing to connect in personal ways with your students even when you’re not face-to-face.

So thank you. Know that you are heroes. Understand that you’ve made this so much easier than it would have been otherwise.

We see you. And we’re forever grateful.

LOOKING FOR SOMETHING NEW TO READ OR WATCH?

I don’t know about you guys, but one of the things that’s been hard in our family during the coronavirus quarantine is feeling like we’ve seen it all and read it all. Which isn’t really true, of course. It’s just been more challenging to find something new.

(Believe me, I know this is a first-world problem, but it is something we're facing.)

After you’ve gotten outside, done a puzzle, played a board game, or whatever it is you do to take a break, you might be looking for some new books or shows.

So what I thought I’d do for this week’s episode is share some of the things we’ve been watching and reading here in Casa de Kelly. As always, I’m sharing with the caveat that you do your due diligence before reading or watching with your teens – only you know your kids and what is advisable to watch or not. That’s something I talked about early on in Episode 5 if you want to check it out.

SOMETHING NEW TO READ

MOST LIKELY

The first book I’m going to talk about is Most Likely, by Sarah Watson. On the surface it seems like the simple story of four best friends in high school, but here’s the great thing about it – we know that one of the girls is going to end up being president someday. We just don’t know which one it is. Watson does a great job of keeping you guessing until the end, where she finishes with an unexpected twist. It’s a fun read, and, you know, girl power.

TWEET CUTE

Another fun read is Tweet Cute, Emma Lord’s first novel. It’s a play on the You’ve Got Mail story, about two kids in the same elite New York high school whose parents own competing restaurants. It’s a fun update, with Twitter wars, dating apps, and texts replacing emails. Lord’s portrayal of family dynamics is spot-on, and it was definitely an “I laughed, I cried” experience for me.

HOUSE OF EARTH AND BLOOD

I also read Sarah J. Maas’ latest, House of Earth and Blood. As always with her writing, I was immediately pulled into the world she built, which is set in a more modern world than her previous two series I’ve read, Throne of Glass and A Court of Thorn and Roses. But not to worry – it’s definitely still a fantasy, and her world-building is still amazing. I love her storytelling, but I do have to say that I’d hesitate to hand this book to a younger teen. While I love me a good romance, she definitely goes a step further and gets into the realm of erotica with some pretty explicit sex scenes.

MOMENT OF TRUTH

Okay, on to the next one. Kasie West’s Moment of Truth is a poignant story about Hadley, a high school swimming star who has grown up in the shadow of a sibling she never met – an older brother who died before she was born. As she tries to figure out the identity of the guy who wears a “Heath Hall” mask (a famous actor) who disrupts events, she’s also figuring out that she can’t keep working so hard to try to win her parents’ attention. It’s a great story on so many levels, from family dynamics to personal motivation, to facing your greatest fears. Kasie West knocked it out of the park again.

OF CURSES AND KISSES

The last book I’ll mention is by Sandhya Menon, who you might recognize as the author of There’s Something About Sweetie, a book I chose for last year’s summer book club, featured in Episode 53. I love everything she’s written, including her newest, Of Curses and Kisses. It’s a fairy tale retelling and set in a boarding school – two of my favorite types of YA put together. With this book she again does a great job highlighting family dynamics and expectations, weaving in a sweet romance as well. It’s a fun twist on Beauty and the Beast.

SOMETHING NEW TO STREAM

(Find Previews in the "Referenced in this Episode" Section Below)

Now, I’m going to talk about some things I’ve been streaming. Some of these I’ve discovered during the last couple of weeks, but others are ones I’ve watched in the past that I thought would be good suggestions. That’s assuming you haven’t found them already, but just in case, I’m throwing them in here.

A LETTER TO THE KING

First, there’s A Letter to the King, a Netflix series that my husband and I binged over two nights. (Ha, Knights – no pun intended!) It’s a King Arthur-esque story about a teen boy on a quest, and I really loved the diversity in the story. It was also just fun, if sometimes a bit campy.

LOCKE & KEY

Another Netflix series that we really enjoyed was Locke & Key. It’s a creepy story full of magic and mystery, based on a graphic novel series by Joe Hill and Gabriel Rodriguez. There’s definitely a lot of bad words, but with siblings that range from a much older teen to an elementary-aged younger brother, it’s something the whole family might enjoy.

LOST IN SPACE

Lost in Space is another one that’s good for whole-family viewing. This update on the 60s classic has tons of adventure and drama that keeps you on the edge of your seat – or at least binging “just one more episode.” There are 2 seasons already and we enjoyed both.

GILMORE GIRLS

A series that will always, always been on my list of favorites is Gilmore Girls. I faithfully watched every week when it first aired on tv, and I’ve watched the series all the way through a couple of times, once with my daughter – who, btw, also recommended it when I asked what she would suggest. I do have to throw in here, though, that while I LOVE the original series, the Netflix reboot was disappointing.

I AM NOT OKAY WITH THIS

One of the more bizarre series we watched was I Am Not Okay With This. It’s one that I’m kind of on the fence about. There are definitely more mature themes in it, and as I’m not a huge horror fan, the ending was a bit too gory for my taste. But it’s something you might want to check out if any of your teens (like one of mine) is super into horror flicks.

LOST

I do want to throw in a series that our family really enjoyed binging together, and that’s Lost. I think it’s available on Hulu. We really enjoyed the great writing and all the twists and turns it took over the course of 6 seasons. Plus, with over 100 episodes, it will take a while to work through.

SHERLOCK

Sherlock, on Netflix, the one with Benedict Cumberbatch, is good and might appeal to teens who like science and a good mystery.

ON MY TO-BE- WATCHED LIST

A couple of shows I haven’t watched yet, but plan to, are All the Bright Places, which is based on a novel by Jennifer Niven, and On the Basis of Sex, the movie about Ruth Bader Ginsberg that my daughter has asked me to watch because she loved it so much. That one, I think you still have to pay for, on Amazon or Vudu.

ANIME RECOMMENDATIONS

And since I’ve shared a couple of her recommendations, I’ll throw in a couple of my son’s as well. If your teens are into anime or manga at all, they might enjoy Full Metal Alchemist (on Netflix) or Cowboy Bebop (on Hulu or you may have to search for it on other places.)

WHAT ABOUT YOU? SOMETHING NEW TO SHARE?

Alright, I hope that’s enough to get you guys started! I’d also LOVE to get your recommendations. DM me on Facebook or Instagram and let me know what you’re reading and watching that you and your teens love.

Check out the show notes here for links to references made during the episode.

HEALTHY BOUNDARIES

One of my all-time favorite podcasts is Episode 16, where my good friend Tami Schow and I talk about healthy boundaries.

Given the COVID-19 self-quarantine that we're all experiencing, I thought healthy boundaries might be a great thing to talk about. And no, it's not another way of saying "social distancing!" Nope, they happen when we recognize what we actually have control over, and what we don’t.

SOME THINGS TO REMEMBER ABOUT HEALTHY BOUNDARIES

You have your own umbrella.

So does everyone else. Underneath it are your own thoughts, feelings, values, etc.

You are not responsible for what is under anyone else’s umbrella.

And no one else is responsible for what’s under yours.

When you try to take responsibility for anyone else’s thoughts, feelings, values, etc., you are under their umbrella, not your own.

When you’re under someone else’s umbrella, it means they don’t have to be responsible for their own stuff – because you’re doing the job for them

What Healthy Boundaries Look Like with Our Teens

Our teens have their own umbrellas.

Trying to control their thoughts, feelings, values, etc. will backfire

When we dialog about what is good, loving, and healthy rather than what makes me happy, we can have more productive conversations

When you have teens, there are lots of gray areas.

Sometimes you hold conflicting values – you have to figure out what value has priority in that moment and situation

My teens have the freedom to adopt or reject my values and beliefs.

My responsibility as a parent is to train, model, and reinforce with the hope that they will adopt my values and beliefs.

Navigating the COVID-19 Scare

Speaking of favorites, here is a quote that's been helpful as we face the uncertainty of the Coronavirus pandemic.

 "Whenever we feel anxious, fearful, or worried, we’re living in the suffering of something that’s not here yet as if it were. If we can do that, then we can do the opposite too – look at what we want and imagine what we’d feel if we had it today. We can feel THAT now as if it was here." ~ Brandon Lucero

YA BOOKS IN CLASSROOMS

In part 2 of a conversation I had with Emily Roberson (Episode 69 was part 1), we talk about her young adult book, Lifestyles of Gods and Monsters, which was released in October of last year. In part 1, we discussed the book itself. This episode has a different twist – we’re talking about using YA Books in classrooms.

We took the opportunity during our conversation to talk about the book and about her experience writing it and putting it out into the world. Em and I are both big readers, and a big part of our discussion is about why reading – fiction especially – is so important for teens. Well, really for everyone!

YOU’RE INVITED

I wanted to tie that thread into something I talked about in Episode 68 – teachers across all subject areas using YA novels – current ones - in their classrooms. So, I created a valuable, actionable resource for middle school teachers. You can find it here.

And make sure to mark your calendars for Tuesday, March 24, 2020, at 6:00 pm CST! I’m going live on my Facebook page to talk about how to use YA Books in classrooms. We’ll take a look at the  lesson plans I created for Lifestyles of Gods and Monsters, which includes several subject areas like ELA, Art, Math, PE, Science, & Social Studies. AND I’ll be giving attendees the rubrics, handouts, and other resources to be able to implement the plans in your classroom.

BUT FIRST . . . ALL THE AMAZING TEACHERS

Speaking of teachers, I wanted to give a shout out to all the educators across the country who have stepped up during the COVID-19 crisis. One of the most positive things in all of this craziness is the way educators have rallied and made the shift to online teaching so quickly.

Seriously! I am beyond impressed with our school district’s rapid response to school closures – and that awe extends to districts across the United States. Their focus and dedication in a time that’s scary for all of us are heroic.

The efforts teachers are making to keep lessons rolling, to reach out to students, to make sure everyone has the necessary technology – all of this gives us an anchor in the turbulence, and I couldn’t be more grateful. THANK YOU, to all you teachers out there. Your work is making a huge impact on how our society is handling this crisis.

Coronavirus Concerns

Today is the last day of scheduled spring break for my own teens, a senior and a sophomore. But our school district has canceled classes next week, and plan to reevaluate the situation before bringing kids back into school.

From watching the news and talking to friends around the country, it sounds like that’s pretty standard, no matter where you are.

So for this week’s episode, I thought I’d talk about what that means for you if you’re a parent of teens.

Whether you’re on the end of the spectrum that thinks this is going to blow over soon, or at the opposite end who fully expects a close-to-Apocalyptic scenario, the fact remains the same: we’re all home for the duration.

If your teens are like mine, they’re still on a “they canceled school!” snow day-type of high. But I can read the writing on the wall – and if you’re like me, there are big, bold letters spelling out “I’m bored!”

Which isn’t a horrible problem to have – I know we all prefer “I’m bored" to "I feel sick.”

Because this isn’t a snow day, and it’s a little bit scary. It only takes a Target run to see what I mean - the starkly empty toilet paper and cleaning aisles and the checkout lines snaking through the store.

And if we’re feeling a little scared, I know our teens are picking up on that energy and experiencing stress about things too.

Coronavirus and Your Teens

So here are some tips on how to handle corona-geddon with your teens.

Talk About It Frankly

Knowledge is power. Find reliable resources of information about the virus and share them with your teens.  This is a great time to show the difference between factual information and sensationalized information.

Talk about being cautious, not fearful or cavalier. Neither extreme is helpful in this situation. Being cautious means staying informed about any local restrictions, and knowing how to practice good hygiene (something I know schools have indoctrinated in our kids since kindergarten, but they still might need some reminders.)

Equip Them to Be Caretakers  

Thankfully, young people seem to be less affected than the middle-aged and older population. Which is where my husband and I squarely land. There is a definite possibility that we might both be ill at the same time, while our kids are not.

Now is a great time to refresh some life skills and talk about what to do in that scenario. Things like: making meals, disinfecting surfaces, quickly washing contaminated towels and other cleaning materials.

Walking through what to do in an emergency might be helpful, as well as what to do if your illness takes a turn for the worse. Sharing information about what symptoms to look for, who to call if they have any questions, or how to contact your doctor’s office is useful.

Combatting Cabin Fever and Boredom

I fervently hope that the annoyance of being stuck at home together for a long period of time is the worst suffering you and your family go through. To that end, here are some things you can do (and have your teen do) to stay occupied.

Maintain a routine and schedule. (This is especially important if your teens are doing school online.)

Keep up with everyday chores like dishes, sweeping the kitchen, feeding dogs, taking out the trash, etc.

Have your teens help with responsibilities like planning and cooking meals and doing laundry.

Make a list of all those little projects around the house you keep meaning to get to – and have your teen choose some to do. For me, that list looks like cleaning out the media room, organizing in the garage, sorting through some paperwork to file, and cleaning out the junk drawers in the kitchen.

Limit personal screen time and plan activities to do together instead. Playing a board game, listening to an audiobook, watching a movie, going through old photo albums, etc.

And of course, my very favorite, READ! If you’re looking for some great recommendations, you can head to Episode 65 to get more than 25 Young Adult book suggestions.

You’re Bored? Awesome

One last tip. This is something I did during the summers when my teens were younger, and it was VERY effective at motivating them to entertain themselves.

I made an “I’m Bored” jar, and any time they complained about having nothing to do, they had to draw a slip of paper from it. What was on the paper?

I came up with a list of 25-30 activities, equal parts fun and . . . not so fun. They had a 50/50 chance of pulling “Clean all the toilets” and “Get an extra half hour of screen time.” Some other examples of things they could draw were:

• Clean all the dog poop in the back yard.
• Watch one episode of your favorite TV show.
• Clean all the baseboards in the house.
• Invite a friend over to hang out.
• Etc.

Now my teens know that if they tell me they’re bored, I get SUPER excited and give them something to do.

Waiting It Out

I'm praying that this blows over soon and that we can look back and feel glad that we hoped for the best and prepared for a worst that never happened. I hope that you and your family stay well and that the mandated time at home together is connecting!

For more resources, head to the show notes for this episode.

LIFESTYLES OF GODS AND MONSTERS

Emily Roberson’s Lifestyles of Gods and Monsters is a Kardashian-inspired retelling of the Minotaur and the Labyrinth. Set in a modern-day version of Crete, this story follows Ariadne, a reluctant royal with a life-or-death role in her family.
When a foreign prince arrives to compete in the yearly Labyrinth Competition, her world is turned upside down. He challenges everything she’s held to be true and forces her to choose between the fate she thought was sealed and a freedom that will only come with a heartbreaking sacrifice.

TALKING WITH EMILY ROBERSON

During this episode, Emily joins me to share the genesis of her story, as well as the intricacies of fleshing out a character who has been around for thousands of years. From her fascination with those celebrities who are “famous for being famous” and her love of pop culture to her process of choosing what to include from the original myth, our conversation covers it all.

For more on Lifestyles of Gods and Monsters and links to the resources mentioned in this episode, visit the show notes. 

What to Read Next in Your Middle School Classroom – and Why It’s So Important

How do you create connection with your students? What strategies do you use to get to know them as individuals, figure out who they are, see where they are struggling or shining – not just with your curriculum, but in life.

Kids need to know you’re invested in them.

I’ve found, books are the best way to connect with your students. Not just for humanities classes, like English and social studies – it works across the curriculum.

I’m not talking about the same tired list of classroom novels – I’m talking about the new, cutting edge YA fiction that’s out there right now.

Here’s what reading current YA tells your students:

• I’m paying attention to who you are
• I find value in the things you like
• I’m interested in knowing more about you
• I can relate to what’s going on in this book, therefore I can relate to you
• I respect your opinion
• I’m willing to spend time on the things you like

Ways to incorporate books into your classroom:

• Have students choose what to read individually and tie it to a classroom project
• Use it as the carrot in your classroom management system – they can “earn” reading time for Fridays or end of class, and you read aloud from a book you’ve chosen together (you can have them make suggestions, then vote, or YOU give the suggestion)
• Invite your school librarian what to read. Then, invite her into your class to do a book talk – sharing about the 5-10 newest/best YA books out there
• Have students recommend a book for YOU to read, then read it, and talk to them about it between classes, during tutorial time, during lunch, advisory/homeroom period etc.
• If you’re on a team, can use one book across the curriculum and do interdisciplinary projects (even pairing with one other teacher is powerful)

Why Read in Your Classroom?

Books are also a great way to discuss sticky topics in a neutral way. You can tackle subjects like:

• Social Media
• Family Relationships
• Friendships
• Addiction
• Eating Disorders

What to Read – or Not

If you’re not up for reading the YA greats, you can catch some of them as movies:

• To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before
• All the Bright Places
• Locke & Key
• The Umbrella Academy
• The Shadowhunters

How Do You Find Books to Read?

Current YA fiction books are also a great way to connect the world to your own curriculum. You might be thinking, how could I possibly find current YA novels that fit my subject area? What to read? Well, I’m a step ahead, because truthfully, I worried about that too.

So, here’s what I did. I scanned some of my favorite lists to see what I could find. Here’s what I came up with. (And don’t worry, I’m sharing links to those lists in my show notes.)

SCIENCE

Stronger, Faster, and More Beautiful. By Arwen Elys Dayton.

Six short stories are connected by a world where the possibilities of body and genetic modification become darker and more advanced with each tale.

A Conspiracy of Stars. By Olivia A. Cole 

Octavia dreams of the day she joins her parents as a whitecoat, an elite N’Terra scientist who studies the wondrous natural world of their adopted planet, Faloiv. However, her surprising early internship in the secret labs reveals some scientists’ experiments have sinister motives threatening their tenuous peace with the Faloii.

MATH

Scythe by Neal Shusterman

In a perfect world with no hunger, no disease, no war, and no death, scythes are the only ones who can end life—and they are commanded to do so, in order to keep the size of the population under control. Cita and Rowan are chosen to apprentice to a scythe—a role that neither wants. These teens must master the "art" of taking life, knowing that the consequence of failure could mean losing their own.

Call It What You Want by Brigid Kemmerer.
Rob and Maegan connect romantically after peeling back the layers of hurt they and their families have experienced. Rob’s dad embezzled money and is now incapacitated after a failed suicide attempt, while Maegan’s label as a cheater leaves her ostracized. Paired on a calculus project, they bond through shared struggles.

SOCIAL STUDIES

Internment by Samira Ahmed.

In America’s not-so-distant future, Muslim citizens are forced into internment camps, including 17-year-old Layla and her parents. Once there, Layla, with the help of fellow internees and an unlikely alliance with a guard, leads a resistance movement inside the camp.

The House of One Thousand Eyes by Michelle Barker

When Lena’s subversive uncle disappears without a trace in Communist East Berlin, she risks everything to find out what happened to him in this immersive historical mystery. Rife with well-crafted suspense and chilling period detail, this thrilling story will appeal to fans of dystopias and historical fiction alike.

ELA

We Set the Dark on Fire by Tehlor Kay Mejia.

After Dani’s graduation from the Medio School for Girls, where she trained to become a politician’s wife, a stranger opens her eyes to the privilege, oppressiveness, and excess of the ruling class, and she must decide whether to live forever in a gilded cage or take a stand.

FOREIGN LANGUAGES

Almost American Girl by Robin Ha

Born in Korea to a single mother, Chuna Ha aged fourteen is suddenly wrenched from her happy existence in Seoul. Her mother has decided without any warning to uproot both their lives and start over in America. They land in Huntsville, Alabama where Chuna finds she has a new step family, a new school, and absolutely no friends. She picks a new name for herself, Robin, and struggles to fit in. Her command of the English language is poor, she’s bullied at school, and her step family is not too happy to have her. Then one day Robin’s mother enrolls her in a local comic drawing class, which opens the window to a future Robin could never have imagined.

MUSIC

Spin by Lamar Giles.

After aspiring DJ Paris Secord is found murdered, two of her estranged friends, Fuse and Kya, must work together to figure out who killed Paris before her underground fandom, Dark Nation, ends them.

THEATER

Dramarama by E. Lockhart

Sarah, a.k.a. Sadye, and Demi know they are meant for lights brighter than their tiny Ohio town. When they make it to a musical theater and performing camp called Wildewood, Sadye has a rude awakening about where her talents lie. Although Sadye is obviously talented and hardworking, the camp is full of talented, hardworking, hungry young actors. Even with all of the jealousy and bad feelings, Sadye and her friends still find the time for joy. With Demi flying high, Sadye has to recognize her own shortcomings and understand what it means to work in an ensemble.

ART

What I Want You to See by Catherine Linka

Winning a scholarship to California’s most prestigious art school seems like a fairy tale to Sabine Reye’s, but the cutthroat world of visual arts is nothing like what she’d imagined. The teacher she hoped would be her mentor seems to take merciless delight in tearing down her best work-and warns her that she’ll lose the merit-based award if she doesn’t improve. Desperate, Sabine must decide how – and if – she can win her teacher’s approval. But what should she do when she accidentally becomes party to a crime so well-plotted that no one knows about it but her?

Building a Unique Connection

Engaging in conversations about the books your students are already reading brings a fresh dynamic to your classroom and builds connection in a unique way.

If you’re a beginning middle school teacher who is looking for strategies to help you streamline your classroom and have a deeper impact on your students, and you’d like support of a community who has those same goals and values, make sure you tune in over the next couple of weeks – I’m about to roll out an amazing opportunity. So, stay tuned, and make sure you’re keeping up with me on FaceBook and Instagram!

For links to the resources mentioned in this episode, check out the show notes. 

HOW MY TEENS SHOW UP

One of the hardest thing about teaching and parenting teens is the fact that you never know which kid is going to show up on any given day. You know what I’m talking about. The personality and mood swings can give you whiplash. If you’re like me, you know that your teen can be 5 different people in the space of an hour. Take getting ready for school in the morning. You might encounter grumpy teen, excited teen, know-it-all teen, stressed teen, and needy teen all before you get in the car.

And for you teachers – wow. When you multiply the number of students you have and then think about all the different ways they show up in your class – we’re talking thousands of personalities that that you have to navigate. Including figuring out which one each student is experiencing at the particular moment in time they’re in your class.

If you try to drill down into it, it can be exhausting and overwhelming.

But here’s the thing.

You don’t have to drill down into it.

Here’s why.

HOW I SHOW UP FOR MY TEENS

Because if YOU show up consistently, standing in your values and rocking the whole being a grown up thing?

It doesn’t matter how your teens show up – because you’ve got their backs.

How do you know if this is something you’re doing?

QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF

Have you chosen HOW you want to show up? Because you get to!

Do you know what you believe and stand for?

Have you clearly communicated your values and expectations to your teens?

Do you take responsibility for your own emotions, words, reactions, etc.? Or do you ever blame your students or children for how you’re feeling? (Not sure? Check out Episode 16.)

Do your boundaries and responses fluctuate based on your mood? Or maybe depending on which teen you’re dealing with? Or your physical state, like your hunger or exhaustion levels?

Do you have reactive energy or consistent energy?

Are you an emotional regulator for your teens?

Are you immovable when it comes to the way you communicate how your value your teens?

Nothing you do or don’t do, say or don’t say, can make me love you any more OR any less.

These things make a difference.

MY TEENS CAN READ THE ROOM – YOURS CAN TOO

Teens are REALLY good at telling what kind of energy you’re bringing to the table. They can read your emotions, and they draw pretty accurate conclusions. Recently, I was talking to one of my teens, who shared this about a teacher:

“She REALLY loves our class.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

She shrugged and said, “You can tell that she enjoys being around us and she doesn’t talk to us like we’re little kids. She really listens to us.”

I chewed over that for a while, because when I think about the teachers who positively impacted me, that’s EXACTLY how I would describe them – they really liked us (my fellow students and me) and they treated us with dignity and respect.

Something that’s so simple, but not easy at all.

SHOWING UP AS THE GROWN UP FOR MY TEENS

When we can show up as consistent, mature, steady people in the lives of our teens, it doesn’t matter how they show up – because it’s not about how they’re acting or what kind of energy they have. They can’t throw anything at us that will change who we are or how we stand in our values.

Now, I realize that is a bold, idealistic statement. And I know that it’s, literally, impossible to show up that way 100% of the time. But it can characterize you.

So, where are you with your teens? Do you struggle to be someone who is characterized as “consistent” or “steady”. “Rock solid?” Are you characterized by showing up based on your mood or circumstances?

Because that reactive way of showing up? It’s developmentally appropriate for our teens. But not for us. And our goal is to lead the way for them, and model how to show up as adults.

REALITY CHECKS

I was in a FB group I belong to recently, and someone was talking about the hard day they had with their 6^th grade class. She described how she had HAD it with one kid in particular. He was being silly, making awful choices, disrupting the class in ways that were beyond frustrating. She shared that she finally burst out at him, “Why are you being so childish?!?” Apparently, he stopped, eyebrows creased in confusion, and said, “Ms. So and So, I am literally a child.”

She had the grace to laugh about it, and to let it be a reminder that as grown up as they look and sound when they have their well-behaved personalities on, they are not adults. But we are.

So let’s show up as the grown ups.

HOW CAN I SHOW UP FOR MY TEENS?

One way to do that is to dig deep into what it means for your students and kids to be developmentally appropriate. That’s what I’m doing with you guys in my 5 part FB Live series.

We’re two weeks in to the 5 secrets to understanding your teens and how to respond to them. This training will TOTALLY help you show up as a grown up, because I’m spelling out all the things that are developmentally appropriate in teens – especially in the classroom. Hope you catch the replay of those on my FB page, facebook.com/theishgirl

And be sure to sign up for the workbook so you can follow along. You can get that at theishgirl.com/freetraining. Don’t forget to join me next Tuesday, Feb 25, at 6 CST for session 3.

See you there!

SOLVING PROBLEMS

One of the greatest things about teens? Things change faster than a revolving door most of the time. So whether you’re in a season of solving problems with your teen or everything is peachy, know that you are right where you are supposed to be. Truly.

Some of you might be in a challenging season right now. If that’s you, raise your hand if you’re thinking, “HERE? I’m supposed to be here, in this place where I’m miserable and my teen is too, and one of us is going out the window soon, and it might be ME?”

YES. Here’s why.

LIFE HAPPENS FOR YOU, NOT TO YOU

I believe that there is a rhyme and a reason for everything we experience. Whether it’s the rough waves of a challenging circumstance or a smooth stretch where everything is sailing along, or something in between, I believe that life happens FOR you, not TO you.

In this podcast episode, I share about a very difficult situation I experienced recently. It was an event that upended me and brought all my work to a halt.

While working through this tough situation, I had a lot of opportunities to walk in that value I mentioned – the “life happens FOR, not TO, me” one. Time and again, I had to intentionally CHOOSE to view my circumstances as an opportunity rather than a catastrophe.

YOU HAVE THE POWER TO CHOOSE

So, why am I sharing all this with you? I want you to know that you have the power to choose how to face any problem, challenge, or difficulty, too.

Just like I did, you can look at your circumstances and choose to act as a victim (Let me be clear. I DO understand that there are those who absolutely ARE victims. But if you have a CHOICE – ANY choice, even if it’s not a great one – then YOU ARE NOT A VICTIM.) So, you can choose to see yourself as a victim, or, you can look at those same circumstances and reframe them as an opportunity.

IT'S SOLVING PROBLEMS, NOT POLLYANNA-ING

I’m not talking about being a Pollyanna. It’s not about candy-coating what you’re experiencing or looking at things through rose-colored glasses. I’m talking about digging into the thing, wrestling with it, and benefiting from what you learn and how you grow. Embracing the discomfort and using it to propel you instead of resisting it and fighting against the pain of it. Using all of your determination, grit, and resources to keep going until you’re through the thing.

HARD ISN’T THE SAME THING AS BAD

I’m not promising it won’t be hard. In fact, I can pretty much guarantee that it will be very hard.

But HARD isn’t the same thing as BAD.

In fact, discomfort is the currency of change – especially good, healthy change.

Having said all that, it can be super-hard to not react when faced with hard circumstances. To stay in your “thinking” brain instead of reacting in flight, fight or freeze mode.

Believe me – my knee-jerk reaction to that email I got in November wasn’t pretty. But I was able to respond intentionally and reframe it into an opportunity. Eventually.

If I can do that, you can too.

SHIFT FROM SOLVING PROBLEMS TO CREATING OPPORTUNITIES

Here are the 5 steps you can use to flip those problems, challenges, or difficulties into opportunities.

1. Give yourself time to process. Don’t decide or do anything in the moment. As long as no one is in imminent danger, it’s going to be more beneficial to give yourself time to let yourself feel all the feels and then reign it in and decide how to move forward with your thinking brain.
2. As you move forward, lead with “this is happening FOR me, not TO me.” It takes some practice but reminding yourself that you’re not a victim, you are a responsible, capable grownup with choices, will get easier
3. Call in the cavalry. I’ve found that it’s super-rare for me to be able to handle problems, challenges, and difficulties on my own. Lean on your people for advice, help, or just a safe space to blow off steam when you need to vent. And get their take on things – the people who love us most often see our shortcomings with waaay more clarity than we do. Be willing to listen to their constructive critique.
4. Reflect. Seriously, journaling is what has kept me in forward momentum. There’s something about brain-dumping on a piece of paper – maybe the physicality of literally moving it from your brain, through your hand, to the paper? – that brings a peace and a clarity.
5. Carry on. You may need to rinse and repeat many, many times, depending on the struggle – um, I mean opportunity – in front of you. The best thing you can do is keep showing up. And remember, things change pretty quickly in the kingdom of teens. This won’t last forever.

Okay, friends, that’s my secret sauce for solving problems – any you might have.

Just remember: it’s happening FOR you, you can reframe it as an opportunity, and just keep swimming.

Until next time, remember, we’re all in the middle of it together!

What to read next?

Life has been incredibly busy over the past couple of months, and I can’t wait for the holidays to arrive – so I can tackle my “What to Read Next” list – aka my TBR stack (To-Be-Read, in case you’re not up on reading lingo. 😉)

In the Show Notes for this episode, you’ll find all the books I talk about, in alphabetical order, organized by author. To get the most out of these, be sure to listen to the podcast to hear why I added them to my What to Read Next list (or why I’ve already enjoyed them!)

Who wants to know (what to read next)?

Whether you’re looking for what to read next, or you’re trying to find something for your teens to read next – or to gift them for the holidays! – there is probably something here just for you.

And if not, reach out! I’d be happy to make more recommendations. 😊

Fair warning!

Some of the books have already been published, others are coming out within the next 6-9 months. Aaaaand, you’re welcome – now you can join me in waiting on pins and needles for them to hit bookshelves everywhere!

To view all the resources mentioned in this episode, please head to the Show Notes page.

Everyone Has an Innate Need to Belong

This is especially true in the teen years when kids tend to want to belong and fit it somewhere. It’s a healthy part of their development, this drive to figure out who they are, and who they are not, and where their place is in this world.

If you stop and think about it, many of the stories we love are about characters figuring out where they belong. Here are some quick examples:

• Luke Skywalker belongs with the Jedis.
• Harry Potter belongs in Gryffindor.
• Bella Swan belongs with the vampires.
• Percy Jackson belongs with the demigods.

Teens Who Belong – and Those Who Don’t

While I don’t want to use scare tactics to emphasize the importance of creating a place for teens to belong – whether in your family or your classroom - there are some startling outcomes when teens don’t feel like they belong in those places. Consider the words of Mark Gregston, founder of Heartlight Ministries:

            “Belonging can’t be bought, it can’t be forced, but it can be taught, nurtured and modeled.  Why should a parent nurture their teen’s sense of belonging in their own family? . . . if your child isn’t feeling a sense of belonging at home, they will seek it somewhere else, regardless of the cost.” 

And while this may spike a bit of fear in me, I know that the positive outcomes of belonging and connection are just as significant. Take in this quote, from Middle Earth of Somerset County, NJ:

            “Children with a strong sense of belonging within their family see themselves as valuable and have self-respect and carry themselves with dignity and integrity.”

It was with these ideas in mind that I reflected on what it looks like for a teen to belong, and the different ways I can be intentional and deliberate about creating a “home base” for them. This is what I came up with.

5 Ways to Help Teens Feel Like They Belong

• Show up for each other
  • Attend events, performances, competitions
  • Invest time in knowing about their extracurricular interests, the things they love that hold importance to them
• Demonstrate loyalty – have each other’s back
  • Stand up for each other
  • Assume the best in any given circumstance
• Remind each other of who we are
  • Don’t allow anyone to say anything derogatory about them – including  themselves
  • If they do speak harshly about themselves, prompt teens say 10 positive things/things they like about themselves        
• Respect each other
  • Speak highly of your teens to others
  • Actively listen
  • Allow for changes – sometimes the hardest thing about belonging is feeling free to change and grow
• Keep traditions
  • “Inside joke” kinds of things
  • Adopt a name/identity – for my family, we use “Kelly Kids”
  • Use small, daily moments to reinforce your teens’ value and place in your family or classroom – example: during school drop-off, I speak a blessing over my teens
• Hold clear values and beliefs
  • Ensure that everyone knows what the values are and what the outcome is for violating them
  • Talk about them ALL THE TIME – example: “Kelly’s love each other,” and “Kelly’s tell the truth, even when it’s hard.”
  • Explain why those values are important to you – example: when we encourage our teens to “Love each other, ”  we explain that “your sibs are all you’ll have once we’re gone – the ones who will have a connection with you forever and ever”

We Belong Together

This isn’t a list to inspire fear or feelings of failure. It’s an invitation to reflect on what kind of place of belonging you’re creating for the teens in your life.

I trust that you know that just because you don’t check all the boxes doesn’t mean your teen is going to rebel, become promiscuous, start doing drugs, or join a gang! Have grace with yourself, and make sure you’re not beating up on yourself.

Use these suggestions to take baby steps, and choose one to focus on over the next week or month. Parenting isn’t about using a firehose to fill the 2-liter bottles that represent our teens. It’s about filling that bottle drip by drip by drip.

Small, day by day actions, done with great love. That’s what we’re aiming for.

And if you, like your teens, are looking to belong somewhere, I’d love to be your place! Check out the resources below to hang with me on social media and other podcasts.

Arguments and Confrontation and Frustration, Oh MY!

I don’t know about you, but I really hate confrontation. Whether it’s with Philip, my husband, or with one of my teens, it is not something I enjoy. But like most families, we’ve had our fair share of arguments.

When Philip and I were first married, the whole conflict thing was really hard. We learned quickly that there’s a difference between arguing to win versus arguing to find a solution or resolution.

Arguments and Boundaries

We’re made definite strides since then, and once we had the kids, we really tried to nail down some guidelines for when we disagree. I don’t know that we’ve done it well, but we have tried to keep some boundaries in place. Ours look like this:

• No name-calling
• We use our words not our hands (this is a given)
• We work for solutions, not for a “win”

And, especially when the kids were younger, whenever Philip and I argued were consistent in reassuring them that we still loved one another. The same for when we were angry with them – “I love you very much and I’m very angry at the choice you made,” was something they heard often.

Now that Patrick and Phoebe are teens, I’ve come to terms with the fact that it’s developmentally appropriate for them to argue. It’s not fun, nor is it easy, but it is to be expected.

Modeling Healthy Arguments

It’s my job as their parent to model what healthy disagreements look like. And to embrace the fact that it is healthy and preferable for our kids to see strongly opinionated parents hashing things out in a loving, respectful way (that might sometimes include raised voices.)

It’s not something that’s come easily to us; we’ve had to work at it and practice, and we’re always learning.

I wanted to share some of the things we’ve learned so far. And please hear me when I say we’re a work in progress – we’re practicing these things; we haven’t yet mastered them.

This Is Your Brain in an Argument

Okay, first, it helped us to understand how the brain works during an argument or confrontation. This is something I talked about in Episode 41, called the “fight, flight, or freeze” response. It’s probably something you’ve heard of before, but just in case, here’s what happens:

1. You’re faced with something that signals “danger” to your brain. Only, instead of a wild animal chasing you, it’s actually your teen expressing displeasure. In a very attacking way. And probably loudly.
2. Your prefrontal cortex – the part of your brain in charge of decision making and moderating social behavior – goes completely offline.
3. Your amygdala takes over – it’s part of your brain’s limbic system and mediates many aspects of emotion and memory.
4. It passes along the “danger” information to other areas of the brain and to the endocrine system.
5. These other areas trigger the “fight, flight or freeze” response.
6. Your heart may pound, you might start breathing rapidly, and you may start to sweat.

Sometimes this reaction happens more quickly than our “thinking brain” (prefrontal cortex) can process what’s happening. Which is useful if you see a car speeding toward you and you jump out of the way before you can even think about it. Not so useful if you’re dealing with an argumentative teen.

Because unless you’re using your prefrontal cortex, you’re going to be hard-pressed to ask good questions.

Argument Solutions

So, what’s the solution? Getting yourself out of the fight, flight, or freeze mode. And that’s going to look different for everyone. This is where the previous episode - #41 – I mentioned comes in handy. It’s got lots of great tips on how to calm yourself.

For our purposes today, just know that it’s key to recognize when you’re in that fight, flight, or freeze state and HOLD OFF on trying to have a meaningful conversation until you can think clearly. Whether that looks like deep breathing or a time-out is dependent on your circumstances.

Obviously, for you teachers out there, I know putting yourself in a time-out isn’t usually an option, but you might consider waiting until the end of class to talk to a student or having them come in during lunch or after school to chat.

Once you’re clear-headed, think about the situation at hand with curiosity. Which means asking questions.

Here’s What Matters (and What Doesn’t) in an Argument

But, before you ask any question, you need to keep a couple of things in mind. I’m just going to touch on this, and if you want to know more, you can check out last week’s episode (#62).

1. Tone matters – remember: curiosity, not inquisition. And leave any snark out of it.
2. Energy matters –Changing your language and your energy can go a long way when you’re faced with a teen who’s (as we say in Texas) “loaded for bear.” If you’ve truly gotten out of fight, flight, or freeze, your energy will be calm and self-controlled
3. Location matters – DO NOT have this discussion in front of an audience – one or both of your responses will be highly influenced, and you both might feel backed into a corner as you try to save face
4. Being “right” does NOT matter – sometimes it’s better to be kind than to be right – not in every case, but in some

Then, depending on the situation, think about what will create a connection and move you toward a solution or resolution.

Examples for Teachers and Parents

For instance, if a student is arguing with you after you’ve called them out for disrupting the classroom in some way, you, of course, need to stop the disruption. Once you’re calm, let yourself be curious about the student’s motivation. Asking a question like, “Help me understand what’s going on right now?” or “What’s keeping you from listening quietly while I talk to the class?”

Then, really listen. (Again, more on this in Episode 62)

The same goes for parents. Let’s say your teen is arguing with you about something you’ve asked them to do. First, make sure you are calm – this may mean sending them (or yourself) to a different room until you’re back in thinking mode. Once you’re using your prefrontal cortex, again, you’re aiming for a curious energy rather than an authoritarian one.

Talk to your teen with the intent of understanding and connection, using questions like “Help me understand why you’re refusing to wash the dishes/fold the laundry/take out the trash?” or “What’s keeping you from doing the things I’m asking you to do?”

Now, in both cases, you might not get an answer that feels “acceptable” in the moment. But what you will have done is made your teen reflect on their behavior. Which means that next time, they might make a different choice. And if not next time, maybe next year, or the year after that, it will all click.

One of the things that I struggle with is letting a confrontational moment like this go, without resolving it immediately. But this isn’t about “winning” in the moment – it’s about connecting in the long-term and teaching them how to evaluate and modify their own behavior.

The Ultimate Goal

In moments like these – ones of conflict and stress – it is so easy to forget that our goal is not controlling our teens' behavior so that things go the way we want it to.

Telling them that disrupting class or refusing to do chores is wrong and forcing them to comply might work in the short term, but we’re playing the long game.

Our objective is that they learn how to think about the choices they make and why they’re making them. Eventually, when they’re not with us – especially when they’re adulting on their own - they know how to make good choices because they know how to think for themselves.

Why Use Connection Questions?

What would it look like if you could meaningfully connect with your teens whenever you wanted to?

It’s an intriguing question isn’t it, whether you’re a teacher or a parent.

How about this one:

What would it look like for the teens in your life to come visit you in twenty years and tell you what an impact you made on them?

I don’t know about you, but questions like that grab me in the gut and make my mind race, imagining the possibilities.

Now, pay attention to what’s happening in your brain when I ask this:

What was the name of the actress of your favorite movie in high school?

Is your mind shuffling through your memories, trying to remember that favorite movie and who starred in it? Or did you know the answer right off the bat?

Either way, your brain was triggered by the QUESTION, and went to work right away.

That is because QUESTIONS have power. When you figure out which ones to ask – especially with your teens – you have an unlimited capacity for influencing and connecting.

The Power of Connection Questions

But before we get to that lofty goal, let me explain WHY connection questions pack such a punch.

It has everything to do with the brain, and what happens when it receives a question. First, you need to know that, according to author David Hoffeld, “. . . science has proven that [questions are] an effective tool for strengthening connections between people and gaining influence.”

He also shares that “Questions trigger a mental reflex known as “instinctive elaboration.” When a question is posed, it takes over the brain’s thought process. And when your brain is thinking about the answer to a question, it can’t contemplate anything else.”

In addition, innovator and strategist Neil Cooper writes, “We are hardwired to at least think of a response to the question . . . and we instinctively want to help. Our rational mind might . . . decide that we won’t respond or choose not to offer a constructive response. We might have been socially conditioned not to engage with the questioner (ever been asked for a charity donation in the street?). But our thoughts have already been shaped by the question being asked.” 

You may be asking, “So what?” [See what I did there – hah!]

Here’s why it matters for connecting with and influencing teens – even if they aren’t able to answer your question – or if they refuse to – their brains are still at work trying to answer it.

That means, whether you’re asking about their day, or questioning them about the choice they just made, their response doesn’t matter as much as the fact that you’re prompting them to think about it.

Guidelines for Great Connection Questions

Here are a few guidelines and examples for asking great connection questions:

• Make them open-ended (no yes/no options)
• Stay away from “Why” – it indicates judgement.
• Use “What” questions. Examples:
  • What is it that’s keeping you from . . . ?
  • What would it look like if . . .?
  • What would help you . . .?
  • What can I do that would be most helpful for you?
• Craft your questions to fit the circumstances – evaluate what information they can share that would be the most helpful. (For instance, understanding “why” your teen won’t stop talking in class might not be as important as having them answer “what would it look like for you to show respect to your classmates?” or “what can I do to help you make better choices?”)

Asking your teen questions is the first step to connecting – and obviously, we want to use questions to open our teens up, rather than grilling them like they’re under an inquisition.

After Connection Questions

Here are some guidelines on what to do AFTER you’ve asked your great connection questions.

• Don’t just ask the questions – ACTIVELY LISTEN when your teen responds
  • Use non-verbal cues like eye contact, nodding, and leaning forward
  • Don’t interrupt – listen to understand, not to respond
  • Clarify using connection statements:
    • what I hear you saying is . . .
    • It sounds like you’re feeling . . .
    • Help me understand . . .
  • Withhold judgment
• When your teens DO share with you, ACKNOWLEDGE their opinions
  • Affirm that you understand their ideas
  • Respond with empathy and validation
    • Again, using connection statements can be helpful
      • ME TOO!
    • Be willing to accept a different perspective
    • If you disagree, do so respectfully – and keep it to the big stuff, like ideas and values vs. taste

Troubleshooting Connection Questions

Doing things this way will probably take some practice – at least, it does for me. Sometimes it helps to start small and pick one time a day (or even a week) to thoughtfully use connection questions as a strategy.

I know we’ve talked about this before, but we all know our kids aren’t vending machines that we can drop a few quarters in and out comes what we want. So here are a couple of ideas for troubleshooting with this whole question strategy.

1. Timing matters – I know not to try to talk to my teens first thing in the morning, or right after school. But 11:00 pm seems to be their witching hour.
2. Previous conversations matter – if you keep asking the same things over and over, or you don’t remember something significant your teen has shared, that can be frustrating for your teen (I know this from experience.) If you’re not sure where something is on your teens importance-meter, ask.
3. The immediate outcome does not matter. Remember, their response doesn’t matter as much as the fact that you’re showing an interest. You’re prompting them to think about their values and beliefs, and just by asking the question, you’ve planted the idea in their brain that it’s something to be considered.

It’s helpful for me to remind myself that I’m in the long game here. I’m not aiming for immediate behaviors so much as lifelong values, skills, and beliefs.

Oh, in case you were wondering – my favorite movie in high school was St. Elmo’s Fire. 😊 There were several actresses in it: Demi Moore, Ally Sheedy, Mare Winningham, Andy McDowell.

For resources mentioned in this episode, head to theishgirl.com/ep62

THE CHALLENGE TO LIVE LOVE

It’s easy to feel swallowed up by the despair, depression, and grit of this broken world we live in. The lack of humanity we witness, the level of disconnect we see among different groups in our nation, the large scale devastation caused by natural disasters that seem to pop up with alarming regularity – it can feel like a never-ending tidal wave hopeless, loveless, relentless negativity. And it’s easy to forget the good that triumphs – often.

The difference is that the negative stuff seems to darken the world on a large scale, while the positive stuff appears as tiny pinpricks of brightness, flickering like fireflies on a summer night.

The challenge is in teaching our teens that it’s the brightness that matters, that adopting values that reflect love, justice, and is worth standing up for, living in, and fighting for when necessary.

And it’s our job as parents and teachers to help them understand that it’s going to be HARD, and sometimes very uncomfortable – but hard doesn’t mean bad, and discomfort is the currency of change.

Living love out this way is HARD – even for adults (and by adults, I mean me.)

Brene Brown's article "Doubling Down on Love" concludes with a great list of action items - and in her beautiful way, she directs them at herself. I have a list too – one that I started using “YOU” instead of I & me. But I think that’s one of the insidious ways that lovelessness infiltrates – when I’m holding up a to-do list of solutions to “everyone out there” instead of up to a mirror.

HOW I WANT TO LIVE LOVE

So, here’s my personal list of things I want to implement – a list I tried my hardest to filter through unselfish love and through my role as an influencer of the teens in my life:

1. Recognize my own cynicism, and use the Thought Model to combat it with loving thoughts that reflect my values
2. Model being “unrealistic” (re: idealistic) in my passion for justice and equality in ways that align my values and my actions.
3. Hone my critical thinking skills and expand that learning to my teens – adopt the motto: Curious Skepticism.
4. Bring it back down to an individual level – rarely is change affected in a widespread sweeping fashion. It starts across a cup of coffee, talking over a dinner table or conference table, or in the quiet moments of time spent with my people. Small beginnings are not to be despised, and an “all or nothing” philosophy leads to nothing more often than not. Tiny changes are better than none.
5. See things from a different perspective – dig into real numbers from reliable sources and research.
6. Walk courageously – this means getting face to face with people and engaging in conversations (not confrontations) that might be uncomfortable. This needs to come from a place of love and curiosity, NOT self-righteousness, and needs to involve lots of gentle questions that start with things like, “Help me understand . . . “ and “What is it that’s keeping you from . . .” and “I hear what you’re saying and I’m curious about . . .”
7. Point out the positive: Remember those small pinpricks of light? I LOVE to point those out to my teens. Whether it’s listening to the Christmas wishes that are fulfilled on our local radio station during the holidays, or hearing a celebrity like Ellen holding up a light when making a statement as she did recently: "When I say, 'Be kind to one another,' I don't mean only the people that think the same way that you do. I mean be kind to everyone. Doesn't matter." Or watching a grieving man embrace his brother’s killer in forgiveness like Brandt Jean did with Amber Guyger – I want my teens to recognize that you might have to look harder to find the light, but it’s always there.
8. Remind my teens – often – that they have a purpose and unique gifts to help them fulfill it. Help them figure out what those are and teach them to be relentless in equipping themselves in what they need to accomplish that purpose.

Recently, my friend Tami was explaining the idea that as educators and parents, we are the external emotional regulators for our kids. That’s a fancy way of saying we model appropriate ways to manage our emotions. It’s a necessary part of every child’s development, and it’s a process.

I would contend that part of that process is modeling and specifically teaching the idea that love is the ultimate filter to use when managing our emotions. When we can view everything through the lens of a pure, selfless, unconditional love, that is WORLD CHANGING.

THE CHALLENGE TO LIVE LOVE

That’s the challenge I’m taking on, and I’m inviting you along with me. I know it’s going to be imperfect, messy, and tough, but I also know that discomfort is the currency of change. And if I want my teens to be willing to step into the fray, I have to be first in line, leading them there.

To find the resources referenced in this episode, go to theishgirl.com/ep61.