In the Middle of It with Amy Kelly, The Ish Girl

IN THE BEGINNING

I’ve been reflecting so much this week about the humble beginning of my podcasting journey. Thinking back on all the things that inspired me to start it: conversations with my friend (and ex-cousin-in-law); my love of books, my love for teens, the great 13 Reasons Why debacle I experienced with my 13-year-old daughter.

Creating 100 episodes is such a huge deal for me – there were times I thought I wouldn’t make it past the 10^th, 25^th, or 50^th episodes. From that terrifying moment I hit “publish” on my first episode, through all the weeks in the beginning when slogged through learning all the technology, to when I hit a good pace at around 30-ish episodes – it seems like a blur.

BUMPS, BRUISES, AND BEGINNING ANEW

There have been some bumps and bruises along the way, some rough endings and do-overs that have been messy and challenging. But I wouldn’t trade anything for a minute of it.

I’ve given myself so many fresh starts along the way from new beginnings and rebranding to expanding my content to encompass middle school teachers as well as parenting.

EVOLUTIONS AND BEGINNING TO FOCUS

As the podcast has evolved, I’m beginning to focus on some key areas, like healthy boundaries, developmental appropriateness, and connecting with your teens. I’m so proud of the work I’ve done – and continue to do - to put tools in your hands along the way that help in understanding, relating to and connecting with your teens

To celebrate this 100^th episode, I’ve curated episodes that go along with 5 different areas. You can click on any of the links to find the episodes related to these topics:

Healthy boundaries

Developmental appropriateness

Young Adult books

Teaching teens

Parenting teens

GRATITUDE AND THANKS

I want to give a big thanks to each one of you! I can’t tell you how much fun I’ve had beginning this journey with you, and how much I appreciate the time you share with me, hanging out and listening.

ENTER TO WIN ONE OF TWO $50 AMAZON GIFT CARDS!!

To show my gratitude, I’m inviting you to enter a drawing for two (2) $50 Amazon Gift cards. Here’s what you need to do to enter:

1. Go to my FaceBook or Instagram profile. 
2. Comment on the FB or IG posts I’m sharing about Episode 100, by sharing 1 way the In the Middle of It podcast has helped you with your teens.
3. Take a screenshot and DM it to me, along with your best email address.
4. Join me on FaceBook live, Monday, Oct. 12 at 7:00 CST.
5. See if your name is drawn to win one of the two (2) $50 Amazon Gift Cards

ZOOM BUSTERS FINALE

I’ve spent the past four weeks immersed in the Zoom Busters my friend, Kellye Abernathy, created for us. These stretching and breathing exercises have helped me as I’ve spent hours at my computer. They’ve also got me thinking about what it means to be focused and present in the moment.

YOU’RE GONNA BE IN THE MOMENT - OR THE REST OF THE MAP GETS IT!

My all-time favorite TV series is The Gilmore Girls. Because we just dropped my son off at college a month ago, one of the episodes that’s been on my mind is the one where Lorelai helps Rory move into her dorm room at Yale.

If you’re not familiar with the show, Rory is a high-achieving, conscientious student. I’m remembering an episode when she is stressing out about all. the. things. as she walks into her dorm room, studying a campus map.

Lorelai, her mother, stops her, turns her around, and marches her out of the suite, saying, “All right. You just missed it! Walking into your dorm suite for the first time. Do over!” She pushes her out the door, declaring, “You’re gonna be in the moment. You’re gonna be in the moment! Or the rest of the map gets it!”

They go through the space again, after which Rory hugs Lorelai and thanks her for forcing her to be in the moment. “It’s something I would not have wanted to miss.”

Lorelai, being the savvy Mom she is, thanks Rory for “pretending that you’re not worried about all. the. things.”

REMINDING TEENS TO BE MINDFUL

I’m bringing this up because sometimes our teens have to be reminded to be mindful. To live in the moment and take in all the things around them.

I know I’ve said this before in other episodes, but one of my biggest surprises in parenting my teens has been in NOT having to stay on them to do homework, be responsible, make sure they’re taking care of all the things. It’s been the opposite – helping them manage anxiety, trying to help them see the bigger picture, forcing them to take mental health breaks. To not miss the moments.

I realize that may be a different struggle than some of you have, but I think the mindfulness issue manifests in a lot of different ways. Whether your teens aren’t mindful because they’re so stressed, or they’re not mindful because they’ve tuned out the world to focus on their screens, it’s still the same coin.

ZOOM BUSTERS AND MINDFULNESS

Researchers have found that mindfulness practice improves well-being, physical health, and mental health. And as one of the grown-ups in your teens’ lives, it’s a really good idea to be intentional about being mindful. Not just modeling it, but doing things like what Lorelai did, and literally forcing them to be. in. the. moment.

That’s one of the things Kellye Abernathy is helping us do in today’s episode. This is the last episode in a 4-part series where Kellye is walking us through several sets of Zoom Busters.

MY FAVORITE ZOOM BUSTERS SET

All of the Zoom Busters are great for helping students reset and refocus, and of course, practice mindfulness. Not just mind-body awareness, but also being aware of their surroundings and experiences in the moment.

But out of all of them, I think the last one – the 6^th Zoom Buster – is my favorite. In this one, Kellye guides us through a sensory meditation focusing on all 5 senses.

Not surprisingly, it’s also a great way to help them practice mindfulness.

FREE ZOOM BUSTERS RESOURCES FOR YOU

Kellye designed these Zoom Busters to be used individually, for shorter 3-5minute breaks, or consecutively, for a longer stretching session. If you’d like to use them with your students, sure to check out the videos we created for the Zoom Buster Posture Set-Up and all 6 Sets.

There is also a free Zoom Busters PDF you can download. You can use the Cues to guide your students through all the Zoom Busters – or you can use them for yourself! I know we’re all in front of our computer screens for longer periods of time these days. They really are great for helping all of us reset and refocus – not just our teens.

THANKS FOR THE ZOOM BUSTERS, KELLYE!

Before closing out this series, I have to give a big shout out to Kellye Abernathy. Thank you so much, Kellye, for all the time and effort you put into designing these Zoom Busters for the In the Middle of It podcast!

EXCITED ABOUT ZOOM BUSTERS

There’s a reason I’m so excited about the Zoom Busters my friend Kellye Abernathy is sharing with us. Here’s one story that explains why.

A VERY ROUGH YEAR

When my kids were 9 & 11, our family had a particularly rough year. It was one of those seasons in our family when everything that could go wrong, did.

Things started out with a bang in March of that year when my father-in-law took a nasty fall and was hospitalized. It went downhill from there.

By December, we had survived:

• the death of my father-in-law,
• two very serious car accidents,
• a cardiac scare (me),
• appendicitis (my husband), and
• a slew of job-related stresses.

All things that kept us in a constant state of anxiety - which is why I’m sharing this particular story.

STRESS AND THE BODY

Whether we’re aware of it or not, our bodies carry the stress, worry, anxiety, and chaos of what is happening in our minds.

Case in point – that cardiac scare of mine.

It started (like all good stories) with a road trip. Six hours, in the driving rain. Four kids and one dog in the back seat. A mother-in-law in the passenger seat whacking my shoulder every time she was scared by the road conditions. By the end of it, my left arm and neck had been numb for the last hour of the trip.

Once we got home, I called my doctor’s office. Of course, the nurse told me to run, don't walk, to the hospital. Like a crazy person, I drove myself to the nearest ER (did I mention my husband was traveling for work?) They immediately whisked me into triage and started poking, prodding, and testing me.

After an overnight stay, we got the good news. It wasn't a cardiac event at all. It was purely stress and anxiety.

STRESS AND OUR TEENS

Right now, our world is going through a collective time of stress and anxiety – including our teens.

Whether they’re doing their learning virtually or face-to-face, our landscape has changed, drastically.

Not only does the coronavirus pose a real and present danger, but there is also the civil unrest gripping our country. Not to mention a contentious election that is at the forefront of the news cycle right now.

ANOTHER SOURCE OF ANXIETY

I’m not going to go into the complexities of all those things, because that’s not the point. The point is that our teens are absorbing all of this. In addition, they’re taking on developmentally appropriate stress. The kind that comes from not getting to see friends, participate in activities they love, or experience milestones they’ve long anticipated.

And that anxiety? It’s sitting on their shoulders, constricting their chests, and curling in the muscles of their limbs.

ZOOM BUSTERS FOR THE WIN

That’s why, for the past couple of weeks, my good friend Kellye Abernathy and I have been sharing the Zoom Busters that she created.

These stretching and breathing exercises help teens reset and refocus as they learn virtually, but their purpose goes deeper than that.

Using these Zoom Busters will create more body-mind awareness in your teens and help them identify where there is stress stored in their body.

When they can do that, they are empowered to use movement – like these exercises – to release that stress. Which makes for healthier teens. And healthier adults too – I’m throwing that in because these Zoom Busters can make a huge difference in your day too.

MEET OUR ZOOM BUSTERS CREATOR

Kellye Abernathy is a rock star of a human being, and I can’t wait for you to get to know her. She is a Registered Yoga Teacher (RYT) with over 500 hours of specialized training. She is also the very best example of a life-long learner that I’ve ever encountered. Her passion for brain research and exploring how humans connect with the natural world is beyond inspiring. I love how she brings everything that she’s learning to the table as she writes, teaches yoga, and comes alongside crisis survivors.

Be sure to head to the Referenced in this Episode section below to watch the videos of Kellye leading us through the Zoom Busters.

STRESS AND THE BENEFITS OF BREATHING

Before I close out I also want to share a couple of things I learned as I prepped for this series of episodes.

One, stress can manifest in the body in all kinds of ways.

That includes things like headaches, upset stomachs, and muscle aches and pains. In the Referenced in this Episode section below, I’ve included an article on some of the physical things your teens might be experiencing that could indicate they’re experiencing anxiety.

Two, there’s a lot of research that points to breathing exercises as an antidote to stress. 

Specifically, using a variety of breathing exercises is best. That means Kellye's Zoom Busters are extra-awesome because she walks us through a different kind in each set. I’ve included an article about that as well.

PLEASE REACH OUT

If anxiety in your teens is something you’re concerned about, nothing beats a trip to your family doctor or a counselor. Please reach out to your support system for help with this.

ZOOM BUSTERS AND MIND-BODY AWARENESS

This week is part two of the Zoom Busters series where my friend, Kellye Abernathy, and I are sharing some strategies that will help you show your teens how to practice that mind-body awareness.

When I was 12, I grew 6 inches in 12 months. The growing pains alone were excruciating, In addition, there was the awkwardness that comes from your brain getting caught up to your physical size. There’s a period of adjustment because your arms and legs don’t end up in the same place when you move them as they did yesterday.

CONNECTING THE DOTS

I was well into my thirties before I got the hang of  it. That connection between the physical feelings I had and how they impacted me mentally and emotionally. Cranky and out of sorts? Yeah, that probably means I’m hungry or tired. Shoulders tight and jaws achy? That probably means I’ve got some anxiety going on, and that’s where I’m holding it.

I’m on a lifelong journey to connect all the dots that make up me – the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual sides of me. And I want the same thing for my teens. For your teens too!

MEET KELLYE, OUR ZOOM BUSTERS CREATOR

Kellye is a Registered Yoga Teacher (RYT) with over 500 hours of specialized training. She has a passion for helping others and volunteers a generous amount of time serving and mentoring crisis-survivors.

She has put together an amazing set of what she calls Zoom Busters for teachers and parents to do with their students who are learning virtually.

WHY ZOOM BUSTERS?

We know that it’s difficult for anyone to sit at a computer hour after hour – especially teens! These Zoom Busters are 3-5-minute stretching and breathing exercises that you can do with your students to help them reset and refocus.

There are 6 Zoom Buster sets, and they can be done individually for shorter breaks, or consecutively for a full-body energization.

PROPER SET-UP FOR ZOOM BUSTERS

In the last episode, Kellye and I talked about the importance of setting up proper posture before each of the Zoom Busters. You can check up the video for that below. Anytime Kellye refers to the set-up posture, that’s what she’s talking about, so if you haven’t watched or listened to it, I encourage you to do so before moving on to any of the actual exercises.

Today, Kellye is walking us through the first 2 Zoom Buster sets – the first is for the shoulders, the second is for the face. Yep – you heard that right. You’ll have to listen to find out what that looks like!

There are videos demonstrating these Zoom Busters below as well, so be sure to check those out.

YOUR NOSE KNOWS

Last week, Kellye and I talked about the book Breath, by James Nestor. Because we practiced Alternate Nostril Breathing – if you remember I was a little sketchy on it – I wanted to do a bit of research. Here’s what I discovered.

Right Nostril Breathing:

Speeds up circulation.

Warms the body.

Increases cortisol levels, blood pressure, and heart rate.

Activates the sympathetic nervous system (the “fight-flight-freeze” mechanism).

Increases blood flow to the left hemisphere of the brain, specifically your prefrontal cortex.

The left side of the brain is associated with logical decisions, language, and computing.

Left Nostril Breathing:

Is connected to the parasympathetic system (the “rest-and-relax” side).

Lowers blood pressure.

Cools the body.

Reduces anxiety.

Shifts blood flow to the right side of the brain.

The right hemisphere of the brain is associated with creative thoughts, the formation of mental abstractions, and the production of negative emotions.

CROSS-BODY ACTIVITIES

That cross-hemisphere concept made me think of something I used to do in my classroom. It helped my students wake up and refocus.

Because cross-body activities can activate both sides of the brain, I had students do this whenever they seemed lethargic or antsy.

The Crossbody Shuffle

Stand up.

Take your left hand, move it across your body, and grab your right earlobe.

Holding on to your earlobe, take your right hand and place it on your nose.

Check to make sure your left arm is closest to our body, with your right arm crossed over in front of it.

Lift one foot, so that you’re only standing on one foot.

Rotate in a circle by hopping.

EMPOWERING STUDENTS WITH ZOOM BUSTERS

What I love about these first two Zoom Busters is that Kellye draws our attention to mind-body awareness. She really has students think about where they’re holding tension. Once they can identify that, they are empowered to use the Zoom Busters they've learned when they need them.

In addition, it's empowering for students to understand the different crossbody movements that help activate different brain hemispheres. Especially if they can note the side of the brain where they most identify. Once they’ve done that, they’ll be able to choose movements that activate the hemisphere where they feel more challenged.

MY NEW FAVORITE WORD: SONDER

Recently, a good friend shared a new word with me. Now it is my very, very favorite. It just captures the essence of an idea I’ve had floating in the back of my head perfectly.

This word was coined within the past decade by John Koenig who has created the dictionary of obscure sorrows. Are you ready? Here it is: sonder.

THE DEFINITION

sonder

the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own—populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries, and inherited craziness—an epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives that you’ll never know existed, in which you might appear only once, as an extra sipping coffee in the background, as a blur of traffic passing on the highway, as a lighted window at dusk.

PONDERING SONDER

As I pondered, well, sonder, I thought so much about right now, and how I long for the world to embrace this idea, this skill – the ability to look outside yourself and understand that even though you’re starring in your own movie, you’re the extra in everyone else’s story

While it’s developmentally appropriate for our teens to be self-centered and overly self-conscious and self-focused, it’s NOT developmentally appropriate for the grown-ups in the room.

And that means, as we navigate the craziness, and to be blunt, the heartache that is 2020, from COVID to social justice upheavals to a contentious election, I want to encourage everyone to take a step back to appreciate the sonder. To ponder the sonder.

I need that reminder myself.

THE BEAUTIFUL EFFECT OF LIVING IN SONDER

Viewing the world from a place of sonder makes it so much easier to have grace for so many. Teachers and counselors and administrators who are working to teach students in challenging circumstances. Parents who are afraid and want what’s best for their kids. People who are oppressed and feel beaten down and tired. Men and women who put their lives on the line every day for the safety of our communities. Those who are working in every nook and cranny of our government, trying to steer this messy, beautiful country of ours.

I know that we’re all weary of the constraints that have been placed on our lives. It’s SO uncomfortable to stay in this place of uncertainty, indefinitely. For the world to be operating differently than we’re used to. To fight the battle AGAINST fear and worry and FOR hope and patience every day.

That’s why I’m so in love with sonder. Because it reminds me to get out of my own head and think about all the stories going on around me. To have grace with those whose stories brush up against mine.

I hope you can do the same.

BE RIGHT OR GET IT RIGHT?

Do you ever find yourself arguing with your teens over . . . nothing? Or maybe having the same kind of argument, over and over?

If that describes you, chances are, what those disagreements really about is one thing: being right.

Here’s the thing: it is sooooo developmentally appropriate for teens to want to prove the adults in their lives wrong. And I don’t know about you, but when someone is trying to call me out – especially my teenager! – my back goes up and start defending myself. Trying to prove that I’M right.

IT’S DEVELOPMENTALLY APPROPRIATE FOR TEENS TO WANT TO BE RIGHT ALL THE TIME – BUT NOT FOR YOU

You might recognize your teen in some of the following descriptions because these are ways that developmental appropriateness manifests:

• Fighting perceived injustices
• Brutally calling out stuff that we, as adults, know to whisper
• Calling us out when our words don’t match our actions

If we want to connect with teens, we have to meet them where they are, which means we have to be fully developed adults. And fully developed adults aren’t as concerned with BEING right as they are GETTING IT right.

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BEING RIGHT AND GETTING IT RIGHT

Here’s the difference:

Needing to BE right:

Creates feelings of shame when you make a mistake or are “wrong”

Flips you into fight-flight-freeze when you’re accused of being wrong and tries to shut down the other party

Takes personal offense when accused of being wrong

Motivates you to defend yourself, your ideas, your actions, etc.

Affects your identity when you are “wrong”

Wanting to GET IT right:

Shifts your perspective to view mistakes as learning opportunities

Opens you to having your thoughts and ideas challenged

Enables you to listen to and fairly evaluate other points of view

Asks questions when you’re challenged, so you can better understand the other person’s ideas, thoughts, and opinions

Separates your actions, thoughts, and ideas from your core identity

Recognizes the developmentally appropriate methods teens use to challenge us and responds to the ideas vs. the delivery

TRUTHS REVEALED

When we dig a little deeper into the need to BE right, it can reveal some surprising truths about what’s going on underneath the surface. That need can be the manifestation of insecurity. Of wanting to people-please and have others think highly of you. Of a blind spot you may have.

Shifting your mindset to GET IT right gives you freedom. From shame. From the stress of perfectionism. Freedom to ask for help and guidance when there’s something you don’t know or understand.

But How do you make that shift? Here are some strategies I’ve used:

Use The Thought Model

The Thought Model will help you examine your thinking around being right.

Unintentional Thought Model

Circumstance – Someone pointed out I made a mistake/ got something wrong

Thought – when I’m wrong, people think less of me, don’t respect me

Feeling - shame

Action – I lash out at my “accuser” in a personal way

Result - Connection is broken and the relationship is damaged

Intentional Thought Model

Circumstance - Someone pointed out I made a mistake/ got something wrong

Thought – I can learn something here

Feeling – curiosity

Action – I ask questions to get more information and clarity

Result – Connection is built, the relationship is strengthened

Practice getting it wrong

Visualize how you want to handle it when you get it wrong. Imagining those steps might look like:

Taking a deep breath.

Asking a question for clarity.

Agreeing with your accuser.

Apologizing, if necessary.

Journal to retrain your brain

Affirmations can feel cheesy – like Stuart Smalley on Saturday Night Live.

BUT – the truth is that repetition can retrain your brain.

Write down statements as if they’re already true

Write them EVERY DAY

Example: I’m comfortable and at ease when I get something wrong because that means I’m learning and growing.

Using any one of these three strategies is going to bring you closer to your teens (really, closer in ALL your relationships) and will foster an atmosphere that encourages risk-taking and growth. When you normalize failure, getting something wrong, and making mistakes, you’re giving everyone around you the permission to do the same.

IS YOUR CLASSROOM A PERFORMANCE OR AN EXPERIENCE?

By now, many of you have already kicked off the school year in your classrooms.

And if you’re like me, one of the challenges you face every day is keeping your students engaged. I can vividly remember my first year of teaching – when I went home exhausted every. night. It took some time and some direction from more experienced teachers for me to realize I didn’t have to carry all the weight in the classroom.

And if you get nothing else from our chat today, I want you to hear me on this: if you try to tap-dance and perform, you’ll wear yourself out. Quickly.

WHAT KIND OF CLASSROOM DO YOU WANT TO CREATE?

Ask yourself what kind of classroom you want – an entertainment solo with an audience? Or an interactive, engaging experience? Maybe a better way to ask that question is this: when you are the student in a learning environment, which way do you learn the most? When you’re an observer? Or an active participant?

We all know the answer to that. Hint: It’s the active participant thing! Hands down.

THE 4 KEYS TO CREATING A CAPTIVATING CLASSROOM

If you want your students to be engaged participants, there are 4 important keys to creating that kind of captivating classroom

Create Connection

Use all your tools – your voice (volume, speed, tone, hi/low).

Be authentic – share who you are (appropriately!)

Be Consistent

Show up relentlessly.

Follow through, follow through, follow through!

Every interaction is an opportunity to build trust or break it.

Build Collaboration

Shift responsibility to students – presentations, group work, Socratic discussions.

Ideas to involve them every day: Be open to opportunities to learn from students.

Embrace the messiness.

Be willing to suck at it first, and to practice, practice, practice.           

Communicate Clearly

Know your audience – what’s the developmentally appropriate attention span of your aged students?

Use short, simple directions.

Use multiple modalities - email, website/platform, displayed in the classroom, paper notes, videos, audio messages, smoke signals.

Enforce it – you teach them how to respond to you.

SETTING YOURSELF UP FOR SUCCESS

If you want a captivating classroom you need a mix of all these ingredients: connection, consistency, collaboration, and clarity. When you have these, you’re setting yourself – and your students – up for an interactive, engaging learning experience.

One where you have enough time to go home and binge-watch your favorite show at the end of the day. While grading papers, of course.

If If you’re feeling uncertain and overwhelmed or a little behind in setting up your classroom, be sure to check out the Start Strong in the Middle Checklist!

TEACHING FROM THE INSIDE OUT

The year ahead looks very different for everyone, from how educators are teaching to how students are attending school. In times of change, uncertainty, overwhelm, and fear tend to be the default – because we’re only human.

YOUR TEACHING ENERGY MATTERS

Are those kinds of thoughts ones that serve you?

Because if you’ve ever stood in front of kids, you know your energy matters in any kind of classroom

So the question is, when is your energy certain, calm, and confident?

In the last episode, I talked about designing an ecosystem for yourself – the external side of cultivating that kind of energy.

The Internal Affairs of Teaching

Today, I’m going to talk about the internals – because teaching happens from the inside out. And while “fake it til you make it” might work for a while, that kind of effort is exhausting, and let’s be real. Kids and dogs are pros at sniffing out a faker.

So, how do you create an internal sense of certainty, calm, and confidence? Because whether you’re instructing students face-to-face or virtually, your energy MATTERS.

CULTIVATE YOUR TEACHING ENERGY 

You Do You (Be yourself!)

Know Your Personality – what are your challenges? Your strengths?  * You can check out links to personality tests in the Referenced in this Episode section below*

Know Your Triggers – what sends you into fight-flight-or-freeze mode, especially when you are teaching?

Know Your Learning Style – how do you best learn? How does that influence your instruction?

Beware of Bias – are you teachable? Are you open to recognizing any blind spots you have when it comes to different areas of bias? *Check out the Referenced in this Episode Section below for links to bias self-evaluations*

Define your Deeper Purpose

Why are you here? Why did you choose teaching?

What’s the one thing you want students to walk away with at the end of the year?

How do you want them to FEEL in your classroom?

Master your Mindset

Do you have a growth or a fixed mindset?

Is learning a two-way street in your classroom? Are you not only teaching but also being taught?

There’s no losing, only learning.

Can this be a “no pressure” year for you? Can you take advantage of no state testing this year (if that applies to you)?

Schedule Self-Care

Schedule, schedule, schedule – put it on your calendar

Be mindful in the little things (tea, a good book, a walk)

Be intentional about feeling all your feels and processing them outside your classroom

Set work boundaries - no more 7-day work weeks

Ironing all these out will create the kind of energy you want your students to “catch” from you. When kids feel your certainty and calm, they’ll be able to relax – subconsciously – and get about the business of learning.

FINAL WORDS OF ADVICE

Reach out for help.

Have tons of grace for yourself – when you can share that with kids, it gives them permission too.

A DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEM

School is quickly approaching, and everyone I know is prepping for the year to start. I’ve been thinking a lot about how different the school ecosystem is going to look for everyone: teachers, students, and parents.

Right now, during the COVID crisis, it seems like uncertainty, overwhelm, fear are our defaults. But when it comes to teachers standing in front of their students, energy matters in any kind of classroom.

My question is this: when is your energy certain, calm, and confident? When you can have that kind of energy, it’s going to positively affect your classroom.

There are a ton of different factors that impact what kind of energy you have, but for now, I’m going to talk about the externals.

WHAT KIND OF ECOSYSTEM HAVE YOU CREATED FOR YOURSELF?

For me, I know when I’ve set up my ecosystem to support me, I’m much more likely to have a calm, confident energy. I use the word ecosystem because environment isn’t expansive enough to cover what I’m talking about. Environment is part of it, but so are things like your systems, your expectations, your schedule and routine.

WHERE TO FOCUS

Here are four different areas you can focus on, so that your ecosystem generates an energy of certainty, calm, and confidence.

Organize your environment

• This will look different for everyone – and that’s great for students
• Seating arrangement
• Décor/bulletin boards/etc.
• Supplies

Create expectations

• Behavior expectations
• Positive/negative consequences
• Student jobs/roles – adjust for virtual vs. face to face
  • Involvement can = buy-in
  • Attendance
  • Passing out papers
  • Timekeeper

Decide on Systems

• Turning in work
• Grading
• Returning work
• Responding to school’s internal expectations
• Managing paperwork
• Managing systems

Construct a Schedule

• If you fail to plan, you plan to fail
• Create your schedule & stick to it
• Confidence = keeping your word to yourself
• Gamify things
• Takes a while but will eventually become automated

Environment, Expectations, Systems, and Schedule – if you can set yourself up in each of these areas (your ecosystem) you will show up with your students confident and ready to roll.

FINAL WORDS OF ADVICE

Your confidence is important because that energy translates to your students subconsciously. Your low-level anxiety = theirs.

Don’t re-create the wheel – talk to colleagues, see what works for them, and adapt their ideas to what works for you.

Creating your ecosystem is going to take some time and careful thought, especially if you’re new.

Reach out for help!

FIND YOUR FOOTING

This is the second half of a conversation I had with Dr. Susan Densmore-James, Associate Professor at the University of West Florida, and the Director of the National Writing Project at UWF. Susan is a former colleague of mine, and as I mentioned in Part One, I’m super-grateful we were able to find time to connect during this unusual season of COVID 19.

Our conversation is very timely, as teachers are beginning to gear up to start the school year. The wisdom that Susan drops is incredible, so if you’re a teacher – particularly a middle school teacher – make sure you have a pen and paper ready to jot down some notes.

FIND GREAT RESOURCES

For Planning

Use web-based apps, like Planbookedu, to show each other what’s going on in your classroom

Planbookedu allows you to stay focused on your state’s standards

It shows how many days you’ve spent on state standards – you can hook the standards into each day’s lesson plan within the app

Planbookedu is low-cost – the basic (very limited) version is free, and the deluxe version is $25 a year. Many districts have licenses for it and/or other planning tools

For Instruction

Padlet is a great resource to use – it’s a “one-stop-shop” for creating instruction. It’s like a corkboard, where you can “pin” videos, slides, text, etc.

It has a Gallery with examples for inspiration

Students can interact with it

It allows students to take responsibility for what they’re learning

The Online Classroom by Brooke B. Eisenbach and Paula Greathouse

FIND YOUR PEOPLE

Reach out to new teachers

You can’t expect new teachers to reach out – many don’t want to admit when they don’t know something

In this new teaching paradigm created by COVID, it’s important to include reaching out to new teachers, to share what you’re doing and also encourage other colleagues in your same grade level and subject area to reach out as well

Remember that there is so much that new teachers haven’t experienced – not just the COVID-related things, but also how to handle current events that affect our students, like the death of George Floyd

Learn from your colleagues

Find your tribe of people – sometimes you need people outside of your school. Facebook groups are great for this. In the Referenced in this Episode section below, I’ve included links to some of the middle school, subject-area-focused groups I’ve found.

Kudos to U.S. teachers, for all the giving, sharing, and support since COVID changed the education world.

This is an excellent opportunity to learn from what other teachers are doing

Use a 5 – 10-minute zoom to collaborate

We have to think smarter – how can we work together?

Create accountability with colleagues

Use planbook.edu

Check in with each other via texts, calls, or zooms

Stay close to your university – maintaining that connection is valuable

FIND YOUR SWEET SPOT

Balance

7 day work weeks cannot happen

Map out your plan, and the expectations for the days and times you’re meeting

Create a schedule and articulate how it is going to work, in writing and on video. Share with students and parents.

Be upfront about your commitment to balance – tell students “None of us can work constantly.” Help them map out a plan as well.

Creativity

Use this time when most states have suspended standardized testing as a welcome opportunity to engage and get the kids hooked into school

Experiential learning is super-valuable for students – figuring out how to create that in a virtual environment is the challenge

It’s less work on the teacher when students choose what they’re learning about and studying and how they show that learning, using their talents

Feel confident in this moment – and take advantage of the opportunity to be more creative

Focus

Information is at the kids’ fingertips – it’s our job to teach the skills, mindsets, and attitudes that will best serve them

Focus on authentic tasks – students find value in working on projects that have real-life applications. Writing book reviews to publish as blogs, creating a budget based on the job and salary they’d like to have, etc.

I cannot adequately express my thanks to Susan for all the great tips and advice she’s shared with us here on In the Middle of It!

If you’re a middle school teacher looking for more resources to help you as you plan for the upcoming school year, be sure to check out the show notes for this episode at http://theishgirl.com/ep90. 

You'll find an *extra* free bonus there!

A COLLEAGUE FROM MY DAYS IN THE CLASSROOM

I recently had a conversation with an incredible educator who I’m privileged to call “friend.” Susan Densmore-James and I worked together at Rachel Carson Middle School, in Herndon, Virginia, teaching 8^th graders. Her classroom was next door to mine; she taught English and I taught social studies, as part of a team – we had the same set of 140ish students.

The advice Susan shared in our discussion was GOLD. Much of what she talks about is so timely, during this unusual season of COVID19, as teacher gear up to start the school year. She drops all kinds of amazing strategies throughout our conversation, so if you’re a teacher – particularly a middle school teacher – make sure you have a pen and paper ready to jot down some notes.

The highlights of Part One of our interview follow.

CLASSROOM PRIORITIES

What works in the classroom can work online too.

The right mindset matters.

Use the tools you have – especially the Zoom breakout rooms.

Building community is the most important task at the beginning of the year

This is especially true with elearning, and with your virtual classroom; teachers will likely have to spend more time at the beginning of the year building community

You can build community as you teach students how to use technology appropriately, and you can bake it into curriculum-related activities.

Ask yourself: What can I do online, in Zoom Rooms, and as a larger group, to build community?

Remember that the more students see the teacher on video, the more connected they will feel. Be vulnerable with them on camera, let them see the real you.

Strategies to try:

First-Chapter Friday

1. Read aloud to students from a YA book.

2. Model reading strategies, like sharing your thoughts as you read.

Classroom Rules Activity

1. Set up Zoom room for class

2. Read “All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten” by Robert Fulghum

3. Share a copy with each student.

4. Tell students they will be randomly assigned to Zoom Room small groups, where they need to decide which 1 rule should be the classroom rule for the year. They must make their claim, give evidence and reasoning for the rule they chose, and present their group’s ideas to the whole class at the end of the allotted time.

5. Use the Zoom Room feature to put students in small groups.

6. Monitor the Zoom Rooms.

7. Bring the group back together and discuss what the groups decided.

8. Choose as a large group the one rule for the class.

YOUR CLASSROOM ISN’T BOUND BY WALLS ANYMORE

Showing up for the parents is crucial for a successful year.

Again, be willing to be vulnerable on camera – whether live or recorded. Let the parents see who you are.

Set a tone of “Nothing is going to be perfect, and we’re a support team for the students.”

Establish that the “word of the year” is grace.

Get your plan for the year together before school starts. Detail how your classroom will work online.

Clearly articulate your plan to the parents – write it and video it. Put both versions someplace they can access them online and send them the links.

Parents will work with you when they know you’re a person.

Be willing to show up imperfectly and vulnerably

Don’t be scared of the camera.

Let go of perfectionism. (70% is perfect, 100% is failure) We learn more from failure than from earning a perfect score.

COVID19 has slowed us down and allowed us to be more reflective – leverage that in your classroom.

Being able to embrace the messiness is going to serve you better than anything else right now.

NEXT TIME

Be sure to catch the second part of my conversation with Susan as we talk about collegiality and communicating with other educators as you navigate this school year.

WHAT TO READ NEXT

I’m so glad you’re here because I’m talking about my favorite thing ever today – reading! Specifically, I’m sharing the books that I’ve been reading this summer, plus the ones that are in my TBR stack, to inspire you on what to read next.

Now, if you’ve been with me awhile, you know that I normally do a summer book club, but I’ve decided that this year, I’m not. Mostly because my oldest just graduated and he’ll be heading to college next month (oh! my heart!) so I’ve been streamlining to give myself time for all. the. things. From graduation, to grieving, to getting stuff for his dorm, to his actual drop off day, I knew this summer would be emotional and busy. So instead of a book club, I’m bringing you amazing recommendations from the YA world that you can read with your teen or without. If you’re looking for what to read next with your teens (or to do a book club with them), I’d highly recommend downloading my free resource, Questions for Any Book, to use in your discussions.

ABOUT THE BOOKS

Just a note about all of the books I’ll be talking about. Most of these are on the lighter side. I’ve included a couple of harder-hitting ones, but for the most part, these are light summer reads. The ones with a star by them are ones that I’ve read. Some are older releases that I’ve just gotten to recently. Some hit shelves within the past few weeks. Others haven’t come out yet – for those, I’ve included their release dates.

Okay, having said that, here are all. the. books. that are what you can read next.

BOOKS I’VE READ

Maureen Johnson’s Truly Devious series

If you like a good mystery, this series is for you. Set in a boarding school that only houses 50 hand-picked students, you’ll love following Stevie Bell and her friends as they solve the 75-year-old mystery that has haunted Ellingham Academy. There are twists and turns in the twists and turns. It’s a super fun adventure, and I, personally, was SO GLAD I waited until the 3^rd book was out (I think it published at the end of January.) The books in the series are Truly Devious, The Vanishing Stair, and The Hand on the Wall.

Talk Nerdy to Me by Tiffany Schmidt

This is the third book in Schmidt’s Bookish Boyfriends series, and like the first 2, this one didn’t disappoint. Where those chronicled the stories of sisters Merri and Rory, this third book is all about Eliza Gordon-Fergus, Merri’s best friend and very neglected daughter of 2 overachieving, Nobel prize-winning scientists. Like her first two books, the author weaves classic novels into this modern-day story – in this book, it was Frankenstein and Anne of Green Gables. The first book, A Date with Darcy, pulled in Pride and Prejudice (of course) and Romeo and Juliet. The second book, The Boy Next Story, drew upon The Great Gatsby and Little Women. The good news is that there is a 4^th book coming out, Get a Clue. The bad news? It’s going to be a while before it’s released. (January 19, 2021)

The Squad: Perfect Cover and The Squad: Killer Spirit by Jennifer Lynne Barnes

While waiting for JLB’s latest to come out (The Inheritance Games, September 1,) I decided to check out some of her earliest titles and found The Squad series. It’s a little dated – I think they came out in 2008 – but so, so fun. If you’re looking for a lighthearted, snarky read, I’d definitely give them a try. Think Bring It On meets Spy Kids. The whole premise is that the elite cheerleading squad (and all the “it” girls) at Bayport High School, where Toby Klein is a new student, is actually an undercover spy team. Because who expects anything from cheerleaders?

A Good Girl’s Guide to Murder by Holly Jackson

As I put this list together, I realized I had this whole murder mystery, subterfuge theme going on. It’s the story of high school senior, Pippa Fitz-Amobi, who uses a 5-year-old murder as the basis for her AP Capstone Research project. I was interested in this book for a couple of reasons – 1, the AP Capstone program is one that my son did, and 2, the whole being on a mystery-kick thing. This book had the flavor of the wildly popular podcast, Serial. I loved it because it tackled some serious issues like justice & racism.

BOOKS I HAVE IN MY OWN WHAT TO READ NEXT STACK

If you want to know more about them, click the link to read the Amazon description.

DIG by A.S. King

Keep My Heart in San Francisco by Amelia Diane Coombs

Now and When by Sara Bennett Wealer

Mayhem: A Novel by Estelle Laure

JULY 21

10 Things I Hate About Pinky by Sandhya Menon

(Follow-up to When Dimple Met Rishi and There’s Something about Sweetie)

IMI Episode 53

More Than Maybe by Erin Hahn

(I also loved her You’d Be Mine.)

AUGUST 4

Midnight Sun by Stephenie Meyer

(Twilight from Edward’s perspective!)

AUGUST 11

Chasing Starlight by Teri Bailey Black

AUGUST 18

Six Angry Girls by Adrienne Kisner

12 Angry Men movie

WHAT TO READ NEXT – AND WATCH!

The last 2 books I’m going to talk about have been out for a while, and I’m adding them to your what to read next list because they’re also on screen – or will be soon.

I’m Not Dying with You Tonight by Kimberly Jones and Gilly Segal.

Little Fires Everywhere by Celeste Ng

Little Fires Everywhere with Reese Witherspoon and Kerrie Washington (Hulu series)

Brene Brown’s interview with Reese Witherspoon and Kerrie Washington (Unlocking Us podcast) Okay, so that’s my list for you guys. I’d love to know what you and/or your teens read next! Email me at amy@thishgirl.com or DM on Fa

INTENTIONAL IMPACT

Whether we’re intentional about it or not, we influence the teens in our life. And I would say our actions, rather than our words, have the most impact.

And to have the maximum impact, intentionality – whether in teaching or in parenting – is crucial when you want to influence your teens in a positive way.

Which means you have to know what you believe and what your values are – and live them – if you want to make a big impact on your teens.

IF YOU DON’T STAND FOR SOMETHING, YOU’LL FALL FOR ANYTHING

This quote that I used in my Civics classroom every year still rings true for me today. Whether in the context of middle school teacher or parent, if I don’t know what I believe, what I value, then it’s hard to stay anchored – there’s no place for me to put a stake in the ground and say, “THIS. This is what I believe, this is what I stand for, this is what I want for you, the teens entrusted to my care.”

Which may be okay with you – but for me, I need more. And I think our teens need more too. I think there’s a part in all of us that need a purpose – something more than ourselves that drives us to be better, do better, and to contribute in a meaningful way.

HOW DO YOU WANT TO IMPACT YOUR TEENS?

For me, it’s a drive that ignites this desire to guide and impact the next generation, to share the wisdom of experience, and to open the doors of critical thinking for the teens in my life.

If you’ve found your way here, to In the Middle of It, I have a feeling that you may feel that way too – this spark inside you that longs to contribute to something more. To show up for your teens in a way that inspires and encourages, and creates an impact.

Doing that well – positively influencing your teens – doesn’t just happen. It takes intention, thought, and clarification.

QUESTIONS AND CLARIFICATION

Now, if you’re like me, you may not have realized this until you were questioned. Why do you do things the way you do? What is it that you believe that makes you require your kids to use good manners? To stand up for the underdog? Or to be respectful of the adults in their lives?

My own kids were fairly young when their questions started – some of you may be familiar with the “whys” that start when your kids hit about 3 years old. When they’re that young, it’s much easier, because they mostly accept your simple explanations, and “because I said so” works in a pinch.

But teens? Not so much.

KNOW WHAT YOU KNOW

So if you’re not sure what your values and beliefs are – you just know you have them, and that you do things the way you do because it’s “right” then this episode is for you.

I have two questioners – both my teens are quick to point out when something doesn’t make sense to them or conflicts with something I’ve said at a previous time, and ask for an explanation. This is something we’ve worked on – all of us. Me, because initially, their questioning came across as sass and defiance – I had to recognize it for what it actually was – a desire for things to make sense. Them, learning to question with curiosity rather than challenge.

The thing is, it’s really difficult for me to come up with answers on the fly. So when my teens challenge something I’ve said or requested or required, if they question me, I’m not often good on my feet. I tend to want to default to “because I said so” and before the words even finish coming out, I want to slap a hand over my mouth, because who wants to be that parent?

Not me.

I found that to be able to confidently answer in the moment, I have to really know – like, know that I know that I know - what I believe and value.

When I can do that, when I have this standard for lack of a better word, that I can refer back to, it makes it soooo much easier to make – and explain – decisions. And most importantly – to LIVE OUT what those things are. And, total bonus, it’s cut down on a lot of the questioning, because my kids know what our family values and beliefs are.

5 KEY AREAS I WHERE I WANT TO IMPACT & INFLUENCE MY TEENS

For me, nailing down 5 different areas has been super helpful: family identity, faith, traditions, discipline, sex.

Family Identity

What is it that you want your kids to feel like in your home? For me, I want my kids to know our home is a place they belong, without question. Nothing they can do or not do, say or not say, can change how much we love them. Period. This is their safe place. We’ve built this with strategies like a family name – the Kelly Kids – and doing things together like game nights, vacations, and keeping traditions (which I’ll talk about in a sec.)

Faith

What do you believe about a higher power? For our family, we are Christians and believe that Jesus is God’s son, and he came to earth and died for us to be reconciled to God and have a personal relationship with him. For us, it’s not about checking boxes and “doing” the “right” things – it’s about a relationship with Christ, and him working in and through us.

Traditions

How are you going to celebrate special occasions in your life? Not just holidays and birthdays, but stuff like the first and last days of school, and other milestones. Some of these might be things you did growing up as a kid with your own family, others might evolve. For us, besides the “typical” stuff, we have a tradition of choosing a Christmas ornament whenever we travel – so when we decorate our tree together each year, we’re also reminiscing about the trips and adventures we’ve been on together.

Values & Discipline

What are the hills you’re willing to die on? The values that are most important to you? And how are you going to handle when your kids don’t live them? Because it’s not if, it’s when. So, for us, our big ones are honesty and trust, kindness, respect, and consideration. We made it clear when our kids were very young that if they told us the truth, we could have mercy with them in a way we couldn’t if they lied. We help them frame every decision as an opportunity to build or break trust. And how we treat each other is very important.

Discipline in our house is using whatever currency we have with each kid and trying to make the consequence fit the crime. Aren’t being kind to your sibling? No time with friends until you can treat your sibling with the same courtesy and consideration as you treat a friend.

Sex

How are you going to talk about sex with your kids? We realized early on that our kids were going to find out about sex – it’s everywhere in the media, not to mention the things they talk about with their friends. For our family, that started with Philip and me getting as comfortable talking about penises and vaginas as we were talking about elbows and knees. And bringing up topics before our kids asked, especially when opportunities presented themselves. Which happened more frequently than you might imagine, again, given the media.

Decided what are values are around sex and communicating that, and reminding them that again, there is nothing they can do or not do, be or not be that will make us love them any more or any less.

Our goal, early on, was for our teens to be so comfortable with talking about sex that they come to us without even thinking about it. Which given the experience we’ve had with our teens, might have been a little – okay, a lot! – lofty. But even though they roll their eyes, they know that we’re going to go there. Which means they can too when they choose to.

SPECIFIC IMPACT – AND LOTS OF GRACE

Getting very specific and deliberate about our Family Identity, Faith, Traditions, Values and Discipline, and Sex has created our family culture and given us guideposts for parenting our kids and for being. able to answer their questions on the fly.

But let me be very clear here – these are the goals, not the rules. We fall short all the time when it comes to living up to our values in these 5 areas – and our teens are SO QUICK to call us on even the slightest hint of hypocrisy. So please, please, don’t take this as a list of things that you have to check off to be a great person or parent. It’s mainly a list of aspirations. So – and those of you who’ve been with me for a while know what I’m about to say here! – have grace with yourself and with your teens.

Let this be fluid, and for sure, be open to changing some of these. I’ll be the first to admit that the things we value and hold dear look very different now than they did 10 years ago. It’s changed as our family has grown – yours will too.

IT’S NEVER TOO LATE

And if you’re worried that the ship has sailed on doing this for and with your family, well, there’s a reason that “it’s never too late” is a cliché. Because it’s not. You can start in this moment, and be transparent with your teens about your process. Because these are things they’ll want to define for themselves too – it’s a huge part of stepping into yourself, this defining of who you are, what you believe, and how you feel about important things.

INTENTIONAL IMPACT AND CO-PARENTING

The other piece of this that I’d like to address for a hot second is co-parenting. Because you might be thinking, “yeah, but what about my kids’ other parent?” Whether you are parenting your kids with a spouse or partner, an ex-spouse or partner, a grandparent, or whatever, you will most probably find that the way you flesh out these different areas – family identity, faith, traditions, values & discipline, and sex – is very different than the way your parenting partner does. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that’s going to be the case for most people who are parenting together – it’s totally normal.

And it can be a huge friction point.

If that’s the case for you – or even if it’s not friction so much as not knowing how to have the conversation – then I have a resource for you that I’m SUPER excited about.

THE SAME WAVELENGTH

I’m offering a live workshop called The Same Wavelength, where I’m going to walk you and your parenting partner through a whole process to define these things and get into alignment in these areas, and more. There are a limited number of spots, so be sure to check out the link in the “Referenced in This Episode” section below to learn more about it.

WE HURT WHEN THEY HURT

One of the hardest things about being a parent or a teacher is watching your teens suffer. Whether it’s disappointment in a grade they earned or challenges with friends, or when your teens fail,  it just sucks when they hurt.

But here’s the issue. If we don’t dig any further than that, we could do our teens more harm than good. Here’s why.

I don’t know if you guys recall the Biosphere 2 Experiment (1991 - 1993), but a story came out of it that I still find fascinating and so applicable.

AN EPIC FAIL

The trees in the Biosphere grew at a fantastic rate – much more quickly than in the earth’s normal conditions. But what the scientists didn’t realize – until the trees started toppling and dying – is that they hadn’t developed the kind of wood they need – stress wood – to survive. Why not? Because they had not experienced any wind. It takes the pressure of strong winds to help trees develop deep root systems and the strength they need to survive and thrive.

I’m letting that sink in for a sec. It takes STRESS for trees to develop resiliency.

You can see where I’m headed with this, I hope?

The same thing is true with our teens!

YOU WIN SOME YOU LEARN SOME

If we, like the biosphere – a place that was literally a bubble – protect and insulate our teens and try to create the perfect atmosphere for them, it might actually impede their growth and set them up for a fall.

I’m going to challenge you to think about your own life for a second here. Name 3 of the times in your life when you’ve grown or learned the most. Quick – right off the top of your head.

I’m going to go out on a limb – sorry about all the tree metaphors today! – and say that at least one, probably more, came from a painful or at the very least challenging, season. Maybe even one that was a result of some kind of failure on your part. And if that’s not true for you, I’d seriously love to hear from you. Truly – DM me on FB or IG and let me know your story.

Anyhoo, I think that learning things the hard way – going on the field trip, so to speak – creates the most lasting lessons.

LOGIC VS. INSTINCT

Which means that when we protect our teens from failure, we’re stunting their growth and keeping them from some valuable life lessons.

Which is super-easy to say, when I’m in my right mind, talking to you with my whole brain engaged, including my very logical and mature prefrontal cortex.

But in those moments of stress, when teens are hurting because of failure or rejection? All bets are off.

Which means, if I want to teach and parent in a way that reflects my values, I have to come up with a plan ahead of time. And that’s what I want to share with you guys today.

It’s better teaching and parenting when you allow your teens to fail.

WHY IT’S BETTER TO LET TEENS FAIL

I realize some of you may need convincing, so I want to address a couple more things before I dive into that planning.

To Fail is Human

First, I think it goes without saying that as humans, failure is part of our experience. If we can embrace the idea that there are going to be failures, setbacks, and disappointments, then we can help our teens navigate those seasons – without rescuing them.

DON’T Suck it Up, Buttercup

Second, I’m not suggesting that we throw our teens to the wolves, or even have a “suck it up buttercup” mentality. I think it’s important to acknowledge that it is challenging to let our kids walk through pain, even knowing the benefit. And “not rescuing” and “letting them fail” are NOT the same things as not helping them.

Better Now Than Later

Which brings me to my third point: one of the biggest reasons I’m comfortable with letting my teens fail and suffer while they’re with me, is that if I don’t, when they do experience it (and remember, it’s a given) then it will be when I’m not around to help them through it. Letting them fail now means that I’m with them, pacing the sidelines as everything unfolds and coaching them.

Plus, failing now is not going to have the same level consequences for our teens as when they’re adults. Failure is relatively low-risk - the stakes only get higher and higher the older you get.

STRATEGIES TO STOP RESCUING THEM AND START LETTING YOUR TEENS FAIL

So, having said all that, here are some things you can do as you let things hit the fan with your teens.

Work to create a proactive plan

This is not you, springing this on your teen. It’s you carefully communicating what responsibilities are theirs, and what are yours – and sticking to those boundaries. Here are some of the things that we’ve laid out for our teens in the Kelly house.

Our teens have to:

• wake up on their own
• make their own school lunches, or choose to buy from the cafeteria (and if they choose to buy, it’s their responsibility to let me know when they need money added to their accounts.
• do their own laundry
• keep track of their own homework/assignments/tests/extracurriculars and managing their schedules
• keep Philip and I informed of anything that might impact our family’s schedules - we have a family calendar where they are responsible for recording anything like performances, meetings, permission slip due dates, etc.

Don’t jump in to fix things

Be there to listen to them and empathize with whatever they’re going through

Ask open-ended questions to guide them in how to handle the situation

Talk to them - when it’s not in the heat of the moment – about how to advocate for themselves, especially in things like holding boundaries with friends, talking to teachers when there is an issue or conflict, and how to handle relationship struggles

Build in some grace and flexibility

Keep in mind that we all make mistakes, and plan for it. For us, we give our teens 1 time a year where we’ll bring forgotten homework to school, and we also give them 1 mental health day a year. I know that may be controversial for some educators and parents out there, but I know my teens – they’re conscientious and they work hard. If I thought that was something they’d take advantage of it wouldn’t be an option. But even as adults, we need the occasional mental health day, so I’m okay with it.

Carefully choose when you are and when you are not going to give reminders. A good litmus test is to ask: is this characteristic of my teen? If the answer is no, a gentle reminder might be in order. If the answer is yes, it might be better to bite your tongue, even if you can see the writing on the wall about the consequence they’ll face.

Don’t rub your hands, eagerly awaiting an opportunity to teach a lesson

This is not a “GOTCHA!” strategy. It’s about taking small steps towards independence and coaching your teens along the way.

Having said that, if you notice that there’s an area where your teen needs to grow, this can be a great way to help them along. You can set up opportunities for them to practice being in charge of themselves, and stick to your boundaries.

Be prepared for push back

It is developmentally appropriate for teens to question your rules and your rhyme and reason for them. This strategy is no different. And it’s also developmentally appropriate for teens to push and prod to see if you really mean what you’re saying. And they’ll pull out their full arsenal to do it.

So be prepared for the big guns when you’re making these kinds of changes. It’s going to be uncomfortable, not only because change is in general, but because a change to taking full, personal responsibility in areas where Mom and Dad have previously held it – that has the potential to rock their worlds.

When you experience that pushback, remember that you’re in this for the long-term growth of your teens, not the short-term comfort. It’s really hard when they’re arguing that they can’t walk to school because they’re going to get very sick, just look, Mom, I’ve already got a runny nose!

Empathize Instead of Rescuing

It’s highly likely they’ll try to push responsibility back on your plate – why can’t you drive me? I don’t have a clean uniform for the game – the coach will be really mad if I can’t play because you didn’t wash my uniform!

A good rule of thumb in those situations is to empathize with them but keep from rescuing them.

“Oh man, I hate that you didn’t get up in enough time for me to give you a ride. It really stinks that you have to walk to school. Let’s make sure you have an extra sweatshirt to wear.” Or “I imagine your coach will be really upset about your dirty uniform. That’s going to be hard. What’s your plan for telling him why you didn’t get it done?”

You get the idea – this is not you vs. them – it’s them vs. their responsibilities.

Okay, those are the 5 things (plus one bonus!) you can do to help your teens fail. Create a plan, don’t fix things, build in some grace, don’t delight in teaching them a lesson, be ready for push back, empathize instead of rescuing.

HOW FAR IS TOO FAR IN LETTING TEENS FAIL?

And there’s one more thing I want to touch on here. A question that comes up around this is how far do I let this go? And I can’t answer that, because only you know your teens. You have to be very aware of what will be more harmful than good as far as their failures are concerned.  I think the secret to the letting-them-fail-strategy is this: it’s more about empowering them to become more independent and better self-advocates than it is about letting them experience pain. We know that the bottom line is that, like the trees in the biosphere, it’s going to take some stress for our teens to grow strong and resilient. But that doesn’t mean abandoning them to a hurricane. There will be some times when it is appropriate to step in for them. You have to decide which ones those are, based on what’s characteristic of your teen.

Knowing your teen is something I talked about in Episode 5 of the podcast – there’s a link to it in my show notes if you’d like to check it out.

WHY OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS?

When it comes to our teens, there is a big difference between telling them what they should do or think and asking them open-ended questions to gently guide them there.

I recently read a quote from Dale Carnegie that has really stuck with me. Here’s what he said:

“A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.”

I’m convinced, the older my kids get, that I’m not always that great at convincing them. In fact, any time I’ve ever tried to “argue” my kids into my way of thinking, it’s been an epic fail. They push back on principal alone. Which makes sense – I don’t know about you, but I definitely remember loathing it anytime my parents “lectured” me about anything. They’d get this certain tone my back would just go up.

A DIFFERENT PARENTING PARADIGM

So, I have to rely on the 2-Litre bottle method of parenting. Which is the visual I picture when I think about influencing, parenting, and teaching my teens all the values, ideas, and strategies I want to impart. It has to be one drop at a time, slowly dripped in over the long haul.

One of the methods I’ve found super-helpful in this dripping method is questions. Open-ended questions, to be specific. It’s a strategy my friend Tami Schow first introduced to me, and it’s something she’s brilliant at – in fact, a lot of what I’m sharing today, I learned from her.

PRACTICE ASKING OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS

I’m still practicing at asking great, open-ended questions, because my knee-jerk isn’t to gently lead my teens, hoping they come to the conclusion I want them to reach on their own. My default is to just tell them what I think – and that I want them to think that way too. Which is, as you can imagine, less than helpful.

Once Tami shared the magic of questions with me, I did a little digging. It turns out, the human brain is wired to answer questions. Whether we want to or not, questions burrow in and nag at us, and our brains work to answer.

Which means it’s a super-awesome parenting strategy – being able to nag in your teen’s brain without having to actually, you know, nag? Um, yes, please.

So, you know I’m kidding, but in all seriousness, it works. There are a couple of things to keep in mind, though.

THINGS TO KEEP IN MIND WHEN YOU USE THE OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS STRATEGY

Don’t expect them to tell you their answer.

Another piece of this that’s magic? Your teens will get to the same place, 9 times out of 10. Even if they don’t verbalize it.

And that is sometimes the rub – giving up the satisfaction of hearing them get there. Because a lot of times, your teens are not going to engage in a conversation about this with you – but if you ask the question, their brain has no choice but to work on it. You can be confident that you’ve planted a seed.

Like I said, magic.

Avoid questions with judgment attached.

Using pretty much any type of “why” question implies judgment. So do statements like “What were you thinking?” and “Where have I gone wrong?” Unfortunately, those can be the first things that fly out of your mouth – be sure you’re having grace with yourself as you practice asking great questions with your teens.

This only works with open-ended questions.

If it can be answered with one word – yes, no, fine, okay – then it’s not going to do the job you want it to do. One-word answers close the loop, so brains don’t have to do any more work to find a solution.

If you’re like I was in my conversation with Tami, at this point you might be wondering, “okay, what are some good open-ended questions?” Glad you asked! (And if you want to get a little meta – that was an open-ended question – hah.)

A QUICK WARNING

Here are some of my go-to's. And again, I want to make sure I’m giving credit where it’s due – my friend Tami (did I mention she’s a licensed counselor?) shared most of these with me.

And just a forewarning: as I made this list, I realized that a lot of these are questions to use in challenging circumstances. These aren’t necessarily “I want to get to know you better” type inquiries. If you want questions more along those lines, you can find them in the Referenced in this Episode Section, by checking out my freebie “Questions for Any Book.” There are some great ones there that you can adapt even without reading a book with your teen.

MY GO-TO OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS

Okay, back to these open-ended questions. Here we go.

What would it look like …?

… to create a study plan for the next test?

… if you were experiencing the same thing he/she is?

Help me understand …

… what you mean.

… how you’re feeling.

… what you need.

… how that’s helpful in this situation.

If you do                   , what might things look like (tomorrow, next week, in a year, etc.)?

… choose to skip school …

… torment your sibling …

… continue to lie to me …

Help me connect the dots between your (actions) and the outcome you wanted.

Another way to ask this is:

Walk me through               , one step at a time. How could you have gotten a different outcome?

What is keeping you from …?

… doing the work you need to do to get good grades?

… respecting the boundaries (at home or in the classroom?)

… trying out for the (activity) you’re interested in?

… being considerate to (classmates, family, etc.)

What is your plan for ...?

… making things right with (me, your teacher, your friend, your sibling)?

… keeping up with your assignments this marking period?

… creating better habits for yourself?

THE POSSIBILITIES ARE LIMITLESS

I’ve given y’all just a few suggestions on how you can use these open-ended questions, but the possibilities are limitless, and you can apply them to any aged teen – heck, even to the adults in your life.

With the right questions, you can guide your teens to the healthy values and beliefs you want for them without lecturing or nagging.

Which is a win-win as far as I’m concerned!

GRAB THE FREE LIST OF OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS

If you’re like me, this is a mindset shift that’s going to take some practice. For me, sometimes I struggle to come up with the right words in the heat of the moment. So, if you’d like a printable copy of these questions as a reminder, I’ve created an Open-Ended Questions Cheat Sheet for you. You can also find a link to it in my show notes, at http://theishgirl.com/ep85.

HOW CAN I MAKE A DIFFERENCE?

The past few months have been a bit challenging, because of the circumstances that we’re living in right now. Between COVID-19 and the turmoil that is gripping our nation in the form of protests and rioting, the few months have been a bit challenging – at least for me. In fact, if I focus on the circumstances, it’s easy for me to get sucked into feeling despair and helplessness. I’m asking myself questions like: How can I make a difference? This feels too big for me to have any kind of impact. Whether it’s coronavirus or injustice and prejudice, I feel so inadequate.

CHOOSING MY HEADSPACE

But. That is not the headspace where I am choosing to live. I refuse to accept that my actions, however small and insignificant, won’t make a difference.

While I can – and will – write letters, petition, and protest, I believe that you cannot legislate change in people's hearts. Yes, a reimagining of policies and new laws needs to happen. But true change will have to go beyond that.

A couple of episodes ago, I shared a story about a little boy picking up starfish, one at a time, on a beach strewn with thousands, and throwing them back into the ocean. He believed that even if he couldn’t help all the starfish, he could help one at a time.

When it comes to making a difference, I’ve been thinking a lot about what I can do, where I am especially equipped and gifted, who is in my sphere of influence.

WHAT’S YOUR CALLING?

I believe that my – and possibly your – calling is to change the world, one teen at a time. To help each one feel seen. Heard. Understood. Valued. To treat each teen with dignity.

It’s so important to me that as I move forward, I cast a vision and work to create unity with my teens.

I know I’ve shared with you before that that is one of my biggest strengths and biggest challenges – I can so easily see the big picture. But the details are much harder for me. I have to lean in and do the hard work of laying out what the specifics look like.

In this case, here’s what I’ve come up with. Whether you’re a big-picture person or a detail guru, I’d like to invite you to join me in these things. Because when we all do something – microscopic or not – it adds up to big shifts in the world.

PLANS FOR MAKING A DIFFERENCE

Here is what I’m going to do to affect change in my world:

I’m going to show up in conversations – especially the hard ones.

Model what it looks like to graciously admit when I’m wrong

Be okay and lean in when I am called out

Call people out

Lean in when it’s hard and uncomfortable

I’m going to educate myself and then share what I’ve learned with my teens.

True history vs. what we’re taught in classrooms

Examine my unconscious bias & unhelpful thought patterns

Make it personal for my teens

I’m going to model and guide critical thinking with my teens.

Look at bias in all forms of media

Compare the big picture to personal experience

Be aware that I don’t know what I don’t know

Intentionally seek out those who don’t look like me to develop relationships. Period.

Proximity breeds understanding

I’m going to fiercely love my teens

Invest time

Become a student of who they are

Listen to them

Challenge their thinking

Communicate that they are heard and understood

Putting this list out there is a way of holding myself accountable for following through to make a difference – another challenge of mine, as I shared in the last episode.

A LIFELONG COMMITMENT TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE

I was listening to one of my favorite podcasters yesterday, as she spoke with her guest, Erica Courdae, whose job is to help companies and organizations facilitate conversations around challenging topics. As they had a very frank discussion about where the host missed the mark in issues of racial injustice and the systemic problems around it, Ms. Courdae pointed out that this is not a one-and-done issue. It’s complex and it’s going to take time, and a dedication to shifting mindsets, patterns, and behaviors that are often so embedded that we don’t even recognize them.

I am committed to engaging in that process and I’d love for you to join me in it. Whether you’re a parent of teens or a teacher of teens, I’m inviting you to make a difference. To start in your circle. To not discount the power of small steps. To tackle this head-on, one teen at a time.

MY THOUGHT PATH TO REGRETS

Yes, this is about my regrets. But first, I wanted to share the twisty road I took to get them.

I have this weird date thing that I do – somehow, my mind is a steel trap when it comes to remembering specifics when it comes to events. Like, the month, day, and year of my very first date, and the first time I met my husband and when I found out I was pregnant with my oldest. Added to that, my mind figures out relational math – as in, Philip and I are older than my parents were when we got married now. Or, when my Granny was the age I am now, I was 7 years old.

MY QUIRKY TIME THING

For whatever reason, I have a quirkiness when it comes to time. So it’s no surprise to anyone in my family that I looked up how many days we have left with my son before we drop him off at his dorm. With all the COVID factors, we don’t have an exact move-in date yet, but if I’m going by the first day of classes, we have less than 70 days left with him.

And in case you’re wondering how my brain works, that line of thinking led me to reflect on all the years we’ve had with him. Which led to a lot of thoughts that began with, “I wish I had . . .” And THAT led me to think about the “I wish I hads . . .” from my teaching days.

Which led to this podcast episode.

WHAT I WISH I’D DONE DIFFERENTLY

Today, I’m talking about some of the things I wish I’d done differently with my teens – not just my own two, but the ones I had in my classroom.

This wasn’t an easy episode to prep for – I’ve made no secret of the fact that one of my biggest challenges is my pride. But I’ve also made a commitment to being real and authentic with y’all, so here goes.

My biggest regrets are:

1. Holding onto control too tightly.
2. Not understanding what’s developmentally appropriate in teens sooner.
3. Playing the victim.
4. Not following through on things.
5. Not having better mind-body awareness or taking better care of myself physically and emotionally.

So there you have it – my 5 biggest regrets with my teens.

THIS WAS HARD

In this week’s email, I share a little more about this list, and what it meant to me as I wrote it. For now, what I’ll share is that it was hard. And it also reminded me that I need to stay in my Ish Girl space – that place where I have grace for myself when I’ve messed up or flaked out. Again.

If you’ve been with me awhile, you may notice that I dropped the word “humorous” from that little catchphrase – normally I say “have humorous grace with myself.”

That’s easier to do when the only one affected by my mistakes is ME. When it impacts the people I love, it’s a much harder task to accomplish, this having compassion with myself.

WE’VE ALL BEEN THERE AND WE ALL HAVE REGRETS

I’m sharing this because I have a feeling you’ve all been there. Whether a teacher or a parent, you are first a human. And we mess up.

The thing is when we model what it looks like to have grace with ourselves, and we work to reconcile and reconnect with our teens, it’s powerful.

Because it’s not a matter of if, it’s a matter of when. You’re going to mess up. Your teen is going to mess up. You too will be able to pinpoint regrets.

In the bigger picture, it’s not about being perfect or right or above reproach.

It’s about relationships.

It’s about making things right when you’ve caused harm, and leaning in, past your regrets, to reconcile and reconnect.

HOW TO HELP YOUR TEENS WHEN THEY CAN’T PROCESS

It can be very difficult to help your teens when they are not aware or able to voice what they feel, think, or want at times. It’s something that’s developmentally appropriate - their emotions may often feel like a tangled ball or stew.

Right now is one of those times when I’m right there with them in that.

If you’re like me, you might feel like a tangled ball of string or a stew thick with emotions, ideas, and longings.

That’s exactly the description I’d use to describe myself as I watch all the turmoil and pain that’s rocking our nation.

The thing is, I’m not a teenager anymore. So I have to take the time to sort through and untangle myself, so that I can help my kids – who actually are teens - walk through the world right now.

Which is challenging.

ISSUES OF RACE AND DISCRIMINATION

If you’ve been with me for a while, you know I’ve talked about issues of race and discrimination before, in terms of books.  You can listen to Episode 25 to hear my discussion on Children of Blood and Bone by Tomi Adeyemi, to Episode 34 to hear me talking with two women about The Hate You Give, by Angie Thomas, and to Episode 42 to hear me talking about A Very Large Expanse of Sea.

What’s happened with George Floyd is exactly why I shared those books – as a starting point to talk about tough things with your teens. To help your teens make better grasp the world around them.

Now, we’re walking through the very real scenario of a black man dead at the hands of police. Again.

My heart is broken and my soul is on fire with anger at the injustice of it.

And I don’t have any answers.

I DON'T HAVE ANSWERS, BUT I HAVE THIS

Here’s what I do have a:

• heart for listening to those who have been oppressed, and grieving with them
• humility because I know I am often ignorant about my own bias and privilege
• head to guide me in learning, transforming, and changing
• hope that the tide will turn, and justice will be available to all.

One of the things I’m challenged with is seeing the “big picture”. Yes, it’s a strength as well, but in the context I’m sharing, not so much.

The details of things make me feel itchy, and I’d rather have the big idea and let others work out the specifics.

That doesn’t work for this crisis we’re facing as Americans.

What I’ve discovered is the power of getting down to the granular level and doing for one what I’d like to do for many.

You may have heard the story about the little boy, walking along a beach one morning, where thousands of starfish had washed up on shore from a storm the night before. He’s taking starfish, one by one, and throwing them back into the ocean. A man walking by says, “What are you doing? There are so many starfish – you’ll never be able to get to them all before they start to die. Why bother?” The boy replies, “It matters to this one.”

That’s where I have to start – with this one, right in front of me. And to do that, I have to be in proximity – in relationship – with people who look different than I do.

Before I invited my friends Raven and Kellye onto the podcast to talk about The Hate You Give, we first participated in a small group discussion about the book.

The diverse group was made up of women who ranged in ages from their 20’s to 70’s. We had an open, challenging discussion that took my breath away. I learned so much, not the least of which is that even the act of listening is profound.

There are people you know right now who need to be heard. Who need to know that you are open and eager to hear how they’re feeling, to understand what their experience has been.

Once I started to listen, I began to see the inequities that were rampant around me. I can guarantee, once you start to listen, you will too.

SIMPLE WAYS TO HELP YOUR TEENS SHOW UP FOR OTHERS

What blew me away at that book club meeting was this – the “asks” were so doable.

• Listen.
• Bear witness.
• Invite.
• Build relationships.
• Step into others' shoes.
• Be informed.
• Speak up.
• Ditch the idea that you are “saving” anyone.

In doing these things, not only will you be showing up in an authentic, real way, it will also help your teens because you are modeling what that looks like for them.

But modeling isn’t enough. We need to give them the space to work through their tangled ball, their stew of feeling on the things going on in our world – or, we may even need to inform and educate them on it if they’re not tuned in.

SIXS STRATEGIES TO HELP YOUR TEEN NAVIGATE RIGHT NOW

Here are some suggestions on how to do that.

Don’t tell them what they are feeling or thinking.

You also want to avoid telling them what they should think or feel. That can invalidate what they are able to share.

Ask open-ended questions.

• What do you know about the man that was killed by a policeman in Minnesota?
• How are you feeling about that?
• What’s the difference between the protestors and the rioters?
• Why do you think people are so angry?
• What do you know about Civil Rights and the history of people of color in the United States?
• How do you think we can change things?
• What would it look like if your generation was running things? How would this be different?
• When have you witnessed or experienced injustice in your own life?
• What does it mean to be “privileged”?
• Do you think we are privileged? Let’s talk about some examples that lead you to think that.
• What is bias? What biases do you think you have?

Be okay with them not engaging with you and answering these questions.

Still ask them – your brain is wired to find answers to questions, so even if they don’t share with you, their brains are working on it.

Share your own answers to the questions.

Talk about personal experiences that have opened your eyes to injustice in your world.

When you experience privilege or see injustice, talk to them about it in the moment.

You can also use resources – like the videos I’ve included in the Referenced in this Episode Section below – to talk to spark discussions about privilege, bias, and injustice.

Talk about ways to resist injustice and make a difference.

The small things you do in your corner of the world add up to big changes.

• Pray
• Protest
• Vote
• Write politicians
• Donate money to organizations
• Share stories of people who have made a difference

This article also offers some great ideas on how you can help.

LEANING INTO THE HARD TRUTH

You might be at the beginning of this journey. You may be feeling overwhelmed and like nothing will ever change. I’d love to share some resources with you. Some of these are books I’ve read that have affected my outlook and educated me on different perspectives. Others are on my TBR list. Some are non-fiction, some are stories – fictional novels that represent the struggle for justice that many experience. There are also videos and links to content that will help you help your teens. You can find them all in the Referenced in this Episode Section below

I will be very frank. If you’re new to the scene, these books, videos, and other resources will make you uncomfortable. If you’re like me, they may open your eyes to some hard truths about our country. They may feel political.

I would encourage you – implore you, really, to lean in anyway. To sift through and get the facts, listen to peoples’ experiences, grieve with them, absorb everything you can so that you can make informed decisions about the issues we’re facing.

MAKING A CHOICE

We’re in a place where staying ignorant and not choosing is a choice.

I am the first to say that I am going to mess up in this. I am going to say ignorant things, I am going to make missteps and miss opportunities.

But I am OKAY with that. I would rather be real and authentic, engaged in grappling with this, aiming and falling short, than standing on the sidelines, too afraid of getting it wrong to lean in and try.

MY INVITATION

I invite you into the arena with me. It’s a place where we might get knocked down, stung, brought to our knees. But if our participation can bring about even a tiny change, isn’t it worth it?

TEACHING & PARENTING TEENS

When it comes to teaching or parenting your teens, have you ever caught yourself thinking – or even saying -  something along the lines of, “If you’d JUST (fill in the blank: be more respectful, do what I tell you to do, follow the rules, do your homework, do your chores, etc.), I wouldn’t get so (fill in the blank: angry, frustrated, disappointed, sad, etc.?)”

Yeah, me too.

Fortunately, I’ve gotten a lot better at stopping that thought in its tracks – because I recognize it for what it is. Which is me, trying to put what’s under MY umbrella underneath my teen’s.

STAYING UNDER YOUR UMBRELLA

“Under my Umbrella” is a visual that my good friend Tami Schow – who’s also a licensed counselor – came up with to explain what healthy boundaries are. The only things under MY umbrella are MY thoughts, feelings, actions, behaviors, emotions, beliefs, values, etc. Anyone else’s belongs firmly under THEIR umbrella. (If you want to know more about it, you can download the graphic in the Referenced in this Episode section below.)

WHO’S IN CONTROL HERE?

So, going back to my original question, you can see why that thought is flawed. Nothing my teens do controls what’s underneath MY umbrella. So even when they aren’t the respectful, obedient, rule-following, homework-doing, chore-finishing offspring I’d prefer, I am in control of all the things under our umbrella. You are too.

Which means our teens DO NOT CONTROL whether or not we’re angry, frustrated, disappointed, or sad.

We do.

If you’re like me, it might be a bit of a paradigm shift.

TEACHING & PARENTING TEENS FROM UNDER YOUR UMBRELLA

When you take responsibility for what’s under your own umbrella, it means you’re showing up as a grownup – not only with your teens but with everyone else too. You are managing yourself, and taking responsibility for what you believe and value, what you’re thinking, feeling, and doing, how your acting. Which can be a little scary, because that means you’re more vulnerable to being wrong, making mistakes, and having to make amends. It’s easy to put that off on other people, because, hey, it’s easier to blame someone else than to let the buck stop with you.

HERE’S WHAT IT TAKES

It requires a lot of humility to own everything under your umbrella. The flip side? Owning my own stuff helps me have a LOT more compassion for the people around me – because I know how I want to be treated when I own up to my messes, so it’s much easier to extend that grace to others.

I want to show up as the grown-up with my teens, so that I can connect with them, mentor and guide them, and model what adulting looks like for them.

3 FACETS OF TEACHING & PARENTING TEENS

There are a lot of facets to doing that - showing up as that grown-up for your teens - whether in the classroom or in your homes. You’ve got to know yourself, know your teens, and know your stuff. Here’s what I mean.

Know yourself

• Take an honest look at what makes you, you. What are your strengths? Challenges? Things that trigger you?
• When you’re well-versed in all those things, you can leverage what works and mitigate what doesn’t.
• For me, I know that my strengths are communication, compassion, teaching, enthusiasm, and spontaneity. My weaknesses are my pride – owning up to being wrong is often excruciating and shameful for me; perfectionism and being organized.
• I know that I’m triggered by out and out defiance – when my teens (or my students, when I taught) give me an outright “no” or refuse to comply, that pushes my buttons like nothing else. I’m also triggered by smaller things, like someone poking my arm to get my attention, or feeling crowded. That’s something I figured out as a teacher when students would swarm my desk and surround me. Ugh.
• Knowing these things about myself helps me recognize where I am in the moment so that I can respond thoughtfully instead of reacting

Know your teens

• Become a student of who they are. What are their strengths, challenges, triggers?
• Here’s a funny thing. I’ve found that with my teens, oftentimes my strengths are what triggers them. Let’s take teaching, for instance. Right now, here’s what I’m hearing from my 16-year-old. A LOT. “UGH! You don’t have to turn this into a lesson, Mom! I’m just trying to talk to you!” I had to reflect on that, and I realized she was right. In my mind, our time together is slipping away so quickly, and I want to teach her (there it is!) everything I can before she launches into the world. But I also need to be sure to just listen to her and enjoy our moments together.
• Another way my strengths trigger both my teens? My enthusiasm. I’ve gotten a lot of “You are so extra, Mom. You’re making too big a deal of this.” Ironically, they’re not just talking about negative stuff – they’re talking about the good things that happen that I get excited about.
• I have a feeling – or maybe it’s my wishful thinking – that these will be the things they appreciate about me later on in life. What I have to do right now, though, is walk a fine line between being me and respecting who they are and what they need from me. Curbing my enthusiasm might take effort on my part, but it also may open the door to my teens sharing more of their experiences with me. It’s a balancing act.
• Figure out their currency. Video games? Phone time? Time with friends? Know what will work to get their attention. Make sure there is a connection between what you’re dealing with and how you’re using the currency.

Know your stuff

• Gather all the tools, strategies, methods, information you can, and create your own “manual”
• Whether you’re a teacher or a parent, you don’t need me to tell you that every teen is different. And not only are they all unique, but they’re also all shifting and changing constantly. Which means that something you used to connect or communicate with them yesterday might not work today. That means that you not only have to know them as I talked about in the last point. You also have to be constantly on the lookout for ways to reach them.
• You have to create the manual for what works for you – the things that align with your values and beliefs – AND what works with your teens – the things that speak to them, move the needle, spark connection and growth. It’s about knowing the WHAT and being flexible with the HOW.
• Some examples: weekly dates, reading books together, a tool kit of phrases – “help me understand” or open-ended questions (can’t be answered yes/no/fine), strategies to get out of fight-flight-freeze, information on how teens brains develop – anything that helps you connect with, nurture, teach, mentor, guide your teens.

TYING IT ALL TOGETHER

When you can do these 3 things – know yourself, your teens, your stuff – you are showing up as the grownup your teens need. You’re taking the pressure off of them to be responsible for things outside their own umbrellas, and letting them be the growing, developing, messy adolescents they are. Which is HUGE. Because that means you’re letting them go through the process of figuring out who they are and who they’re not. Which is what teaching and parenting teens are all about.

DON’T MISS THESE RESOURCES

If you want to know more about that process, be sure to grab my free eBook, you can find the link to that below. I’d also love to invite you to the parenting workshop I’m offering in June. You can find all the details and sign up for that below as well.