The Anxious Love Coach

It's my pleasure to bring on Alex Bishop, a registered counsellor and IFS (Internal Family Systems) therapist, onto the podcast today. Alex has struggled with Relationship OCD/Relationship Anxiety, and disorganized attachment, and can speak deeply on the experience of pushing a partner away.

In this episode, we discuss his story with overcoming ROCD, how parts work relates to relationship anxiety, the IFS model for overcoming doubts, fears, and "the ick" associated with ROCD, and some of the limitations of ERP therapy for overcoming ROCD specifically.

If you have been feeling stuck, this episode will be SO validating for you, and can help you get on the path to free yourself from the overwhelming shame and anxiety!

Find Alex over at @forloveweheal on Instagram.

Links: 

• PATREON CALL w/ live Q+A: August 3rd at 10AM PST https://www.patreon.com/AnxiousLoveCoach

Time Stamps:

3:00 - Alex’s experience with ROCD

16:42 - The importance of knowing your patterns when you have relationship anxiety

19:00 - How Alex used parts work/CBT

23:00 - How psychedelics can help with relationship anxiety

26:12 - Creating aliveness for yourself in your relationship

31:00 -Therapeutic routes to help with ROCD

42:50 - The causes of attraction obsessions

56:10 - Having different experiences that we label the same thing

57:50 - The limitation of ERP: Exposure and Response Prevention

I often add the disclaimer to relationship anxiety content to disregard my insight if you’re in a toxic or abusive relationship. But that begs the question for many: how does one know that the relationship they are in is toxic or abusive? In this episode, I’m going to lay out my nuanced thoughts on this, knowing full well there are limitations even to this line of thinking. We discuss power dynamics, manipulation, unconsciousness, malicious intent, and more. I am also hopeful that you will get more clarity on your situation, because in either case, if you are wondering this question, it is likely there is some unconsciousness that needs addressing.

Links: 

• Join me for my monthly Q&A on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/AnxiousLoveCoach

• Watch Your Language Masterclass: https://www.anxiouslovecoach.com/watch-your-language-masterclass

• Pick my brain by submitting a Wisio: https://www.wisio.com/anxiouslovecoach CODE: summer23 for 10% off

• Conscious Communication Course:  https://www.anxiouslovecoach.com/consciouscommunication

Time Stamps:

9:30  My definition of abuse in a relationship

15:35 My definition of codependency in a relationship

18:01  Not trusting your partner to their own devices

20:32 Manipulating your partner in order to change them

27:50  Things in a relationship that are uncomfortable but not abusive

33:01  Is my partner gaslighting me?

34:35  What happens when you start to get happy in your relationship?

40:05  The power of saying more with less

If you’ve been preoccupied with thoughts about your ex, or are comparing your relationship to your ex, or are even grieving the un-pursued romance of a crush outside your partnership, you’re normal– and this episode is for you. In this episode, I share what these thoughts are really about (hint: it’s not the ex), and share how to use the crush-mirror to bring ourselves back onto our own papers into wholeness. I also share a vulnerable story of how I have done this for myself.

Links: 

• Join me for my monthly Q&A on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/AnxiousLoveCoach

• Both Feet In – my self-study course: https://www.anxiouslovecoach.com/both-feet-in-self-study-course

• Pick my brain by submitting a Wisio: https://www.wisio.com/anxiouslovecoach

• Be in my world 1:1 for 3 months in my Overhaul program: https://www.anxiouslovecoach.com/1-on-1-coaching-with-natalie

Time Stamps:

5:45 Seeking out chaos when we are with a stable, level-headed partner

10:00  A story about a crush I’ve thought about for over 10 years

19:50  Finding parts from your crush/ex that are missing in yourself

23:00  The ego would love to see someone who is unavailable become available

25:45  The dangers of putting the responsibility for your aliveness on another person

29:25  How a spiritual practice can help with anxiety

Whether you never got to be single because you met your partner young, you’ve been in a string of back-to-back relationships, or you’re longing for the freedom that supposedly comes with the single life, this episode is for you. Yes, you can absolutely feel freedom in a relationship, but it’s going to take radical responsibility on your part for your joy and aliveness. Tune in to discover how.

Links: 

• Join me for my monthly Q&A on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/AnxiousLoveCoach

• Both Feet In – my self-study course: https://www.anxiouslovecoach.com/both-feet-in-self-study-course

• Pick my brain by submitting a Wisio: https://www.wisio.com/anxiouslovecoach

• Be in my world 1:1 for 3 months in my Overhaul program: https://www.anxiouslovecoach.com/1-on-1-coaching-with-natalie

Time Stamps: 

4:15 Feeling like your partner is the cause of your numbness

11:05  Triggers are caused by pain that is already there

12:12  Reasons why you might be feeling numbness

22:30 Being overwhelmed by stimulation and how that creates numbness

23:40 “What get’s loud when you get quiet?”

25:40 Self-care tips to deal with numbness

36:10 Prioritizing self care when dealing with anxiety

38:15 Resensitization exercise

Whether you never got to be single because you met your partner young, you’ve been in a string of back-to-back relationships, or you’re longing for the freedom that supposedly comes with the single life, this episode is for you. Yes, you can absolutely feel freedom in a relationship, but it’s going to take radical responsibility on your part for your joy and aliveness. Tune in to discover how.

Links: 

• Join me for my monthly Q&A on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/AnxiousLoveCoach

• Both Feet In – my self-study course: https://www.anxiouslovecoach.com/both-feet-in-self-study-course

• Pick my brain by submitting a Wisio: https://www.wisio.com/anxiouslovecoach

• Be in my world 1:1 for 3 months in my Overhaul program: https://www.anxiouslovecoach.com/1-on-1-coaching-with-natalie

Time Stamps: 

2:10  Never having the opportunity to be single

4:10  Leaving your relationship to discover yourself

7:25 Self-care after a breakup

11:00 Ways to feel single in your relationship

14:48 Not being able to hook up with other people while in a relationship

19:10 Taking responsibility for your aliveness in a relationship

It's easy to focus on our partners and neglect our own “inner relationship.” In this episode, my friend Luci Lampe and I discuss the balance between our masculine and feminine sides - yin and yang - for a better partnership. We also talk about aspects of the feminine archetypes that live within all of us that are often shamed and exiled – like the “slut” and the “crazy bitch”-- and how to love and utilize these parts in ways that serve us, so we can be more authentic, free, and full of aliveness.

Links: 

Enroll in Wild Eros here: 

https://the-wild-awakening.teachable.com/?affcode=1051804_8anrysej

Patreon:

https://www.patreon.com/AnxiousLoveCoach

Wisio:

https://www.wisio.com/anxiouslovecoach

Apply to work with me 1:1: 

https://www.anxiouslovecoach.com/1-on-1-coaching-with-natalie

Time Stamps:

5:33 What is masculine/feminine union, and why is it important?

18:30 Collaborating in our masculine and feminine strengths

22:25 Toxic contexts for polarity

27:30 Getting sideswept by other potential partners when you are in crisis

29:00 The difference between dumping your emotions on someone and revealing your heart

31:00 The three exiled parts of the feminine: the slut, the witch and the crazy bitch

38:30  Properly integrating the exiled parts of the feminine

44:34  Being attuned to your body: a key to self trust

48:50  Coming into union with the masculine

In this episode, I share the costs of reassurance seeking, the act of trying to find certainty about your relationship. If you tend to constantly be searching for the perfect piece of advice (even from me!), you’re addicted to the illusion of certainty as a means of feeling safe. Listen to this episode for things you can do instead to re-ignite the spark in your relationship and not dampen it through reassurance-seeking.

Links: 

Both Feet In: https://www.anxiouslovecoach.com/both-feet-in-self-study-course

Patreon - next call May 15: https://www.patreon.com/AnxiousLoveCoach

Wisio: https://www.wisio.com/anxiouslovecoach

Apply to work with me 1:1: https://www.anxiouslovecoach.com/1-on-1-coaching-with-natalie

2:28  Why do we seek assurance when we have relationship anxiety?

7:50  The hidden costs of assurance seeking

12:35  How assurance-seeking can make your partner seem less attractive to you

16:50  The importance of standing on your own two feet in terms of self-trust

20:00 The danger of becoming addicted to certainty

28:30  Healthier alternatives to assurance seeking

33:27 - Your partner is in their own process, they cannot come to your rescue

In this episode, I unpack one of the biggest hidden myths I see in society: that commitment = lack of freedom. If you struggle with commitment, I will share with you some reasons why you might be struggling, as well as some shifts that have helped me become more confident in committing with my whole heart and building a life I love and deserve.

• If you want to attend my retreats in June or September, email me “RETREAT” to natalie@anxiouslovecoach.com and I will send you information.

• PATREON: http://patreon.com/anxiouslovecoach

• Join Both Feet In here: https://www.anxiouslovecoach.com/both-feet-in-self-study-course

• Pick my brain on Wisio here: http://www.wisio.com/anxiouslovecoach

• I’m taking new clients! Apply to work 1:1 with me here: https://www.anxiouslovecoach.com/1-on-1-coaching-with-natalie

3:28 Why my partner found it hard to commit at first

7:00 I did pick a partner who was serious about me

8:45 Wanting to move forward for societal reasons

10:35 Moving forward will not change your relationship issues

11:45 Common fears about commitment

13:25 How judging others can lead to fears of certain outcomes in your relationship

16:19 The stakes of never committing

19:00 The importance of having a vision for your own life

20:00 The benefits of wanting what you have while still desiring what you don’t have

22:50 My desire to create a legacy for myself

25:55 Cleanin up your side of the street

28:20 Regardless of how we feel, we know we have a life to build together

30:50 None of us are missing out

32:24 How making a commitment can grant you more freedom

35:15 You don’t need to have the certainty to proceed

In this episode, I chat with a dear friend of mine and coach, Sarah Yudkin, who has been inhabiting the relationship anxiety space with me for years! In this episode, we address the following:

What is “the right” relationship and is that even the question we should be asking ourselves?

What it means to make an aligned decision

How does one discern whether or not a relationship is worth investing more time into?

Find Sarah over at www.instagram.com/youloveandyoulearn

Other links:

If you want to attend my retreats in June or September, email me “RETREAT” at natalie@anxiouslovecoach.com

Pick my brain on Wisio here: www.wisio.com/anxiouslovecoach

Apply to work 1:1 with me here: https://www.anxiouslovecoach.com/1-on-1-coaching-with-natalie

If you experience relationship anxiety, you might be familiar with the urge to try to change your partner so that you can feel better about your decision to be with them, and stop doubting the relationship so much! You’re not alone. It can be so hard to change this pattern, but I believe it can be done with some determination, patience, and humility. This episode can help you trust your partner (and your decisions) more, restore intimacy and closeness, and start moving you in the direction of the relationship you desire.

SUPER exciting: join me on Patreon! We will meet monthly for a hangout and Q/A where I (and our ALC family) can support and hold you through the experience of navigating love through uncertainty. First 50 patrons get permanent $5/month for all benefits of our top tier. Become a patron here: https://www.patreon.com/AnxiousLoveCoach

Email me at natalie@anxiouslovecoach.com to inquire about my retreats in Austria with my meditation teacher, Stefi Preiss, this summer.

5:42- Keeping your eyes on your paper and cleaning up your side of the street

6:30 -Feeling like you picked the wrong partner

10:00 - The three things I thought I could do to change my partner

16:30 - My desire for my partner to change

19:05 - Moving into the future and making empowering changes for yourself

20:25 - Your partner will not change if you try to change them

21:43 - Developing self-trust by overcoming adversity

23:00 - Imagine your inner controller who wants to control everything

24:00 - What are you afraid would happen if you stopped trying to control your partner?

26:00 - Some of the different methods of control that we use to control our partners

36:19 - The power of letting your partner make clean up their own messes

43:04 - “I will criticize my partner when I have stopped doing XYZ”

45:50 - The difference between wanting to delight you and not disappointing you

50:35 - Starting the Anxious Love Coach Patreon Fam

57:30 - Email me for more info on my Austria retreats in June and September

In this episode, I talk about the trap of “more is better” embedded in the honeymoon/vacation expectation and how that played out in our own honeymoon. It is my hope you can avoid this trap on your vacations!

If you want to attend my retreats in June or September, email me “RETREAT” at natalie@anxiouslovecoach.com

Pick my brain on Wisio here: www.wisio.com/anxiouslovecoach

Apply to work 1:1 with me here: https://www.anxiouslovecoach.com/1-on-1-coaching-with-natalie

• 4:33 - Looking for the extraordinary during vacations/honeymoons

• 8:28 - The more we sit in our wanting, the more there wanting we develop

• 9:30 - A quote on the desire for a more “conscious partner”

• 12:00 - The trap of having

• 15:10 - My honeymoon experience

• 20:00 - The importance of having separate lives in your partnership

• 25:40 - Seeking extraordinary experiences and how it affects your nervous system

• 27:40 - The note that I wrote to myself (and also all of you) during my honeymoon

• 32:20 - My Austria retreats on June 12-18 and September 4-10

• 35:07 - Ask me a question on Wisio

• 39:00 - Work with me one on one

This a fun episode for you – full of metaphors and nuanced relationship advice. Enjoy!

SALE on Programs through 2/22 - 3/25: 30% off with code HONEY30

https://www.anxiouslovecoach.com/both-feet-in-self-study-course

https://www.anxiouslovecoach.com/quit-comparing-your-relationship-in-7-days

This episode is for those of you new to the podcast but haven’t heard my story, as well as for those of you who DO know my story, but might not know the new context around it since I’ve started Anxious Love Coach. I’ve learned a lot since running this business – and some of my perspectives have shifted over the last year that impact the messaging you may have heard from me earlier on.

SALE on Programs through 2/22 - 3/25: 30% off with code HONEY30

https://www.anxiouslovecoach.com/both-feet-in-self-study-course

https://www.anxiouslovecoach.com/quit-comparing-your-relationship-in-7-days

In this episode, Luci Lampe, a sex and relationship coach (who I’ve worked with personally) hops on the ALC podcast to share the 5 stages of relationship evolution. As you listen, get curious in which stage you and your partner might be in. Relationship anxiety falls into one of these categories, but overcoming relationship anxiety isn’t the end of the journey! It’s just the beginning. I hope this episode will give you insights into the long haul of the relationship journey.

You can enroll in Luci’s programs through my affiliate link here:

https://the-wild-awakening.teachable.com/?affcode=1051804_8anrysej

Our obsession with authenticity is putting the responsibility of discerning “reality” vs. “not-reality” on creators – when this is not where our focus should be, as consumers. In this episode, I talk about how I think consumers’ obsession with authenticity has gone too far – and if we could change the conversation around authenticity, we would have less FOMO and “shoulds” and be a heck of a lot happier.

BOTH FEET IN Course

https://www.anxiouslovecoach.com/both-feet-in-self-study-course

Register for Quit Comparing Your Relationship in 7 days: A Telegram Challenge: February 8-14, 2023

https://anxiouslovecoachschool.teachable.com/p/quit-comparing-your-relationship-in-7-days

One of many reasons we may feel anxious in relationship: we’re actually feeling resentful and not communicating our needs and boundaries at all, or effectively! In this episode, I break down what boundaries are as well as what they aren’t, some perspective shifts for recovering people-pleasers, and ways to communicate your boundaries in ways that will feel like sacred gifts.

BOTH FEET IN Course

https://www.anxiouslovecoach.com/both-feet-in-self-study-course

Register for Quit Comparing Your Relationship in 7 days: A Telegram Challenge: February 8-14, 2023

https://anxiouslovecoachschool.teachable.com/p/quit-comparing-your-relationship-in-7-days

In this episode, I talk about ‘Fear of Missing Out’ (FOMO) in partnership. In a society of (seeming) unlimited choices + constant comparison, it’s no wonder there are so many wandering eyes and anxious minds, wondering if we got the short end of the stick. I talk about a few strategies you can use to feel more confident in your decision, break the fantasy spell, and be able to more easily focus on the gift of your relationship right in front of your face.

Both Feet in Self Study Course: https://www.anxiouslovecoach.com/both-feet-in-self-study-course

Register for Quit Comparing Your Relationship in 7 days: http://anxiouslovecoachschool.teachable.com/p/quit-comparing-your-relationship-in-7-days

“Emotions” like anxiety and depression are often cover emotions for deeper emotions like grief and anger – and working through our resistance to these emotions so we can arrive at our “core” emotions can help us access our calm, compassionate self. In this episode, I bring on emotions educator Hilary Jacobs Hendel, author of “It’s Not Always Depression,” to give you tangible tools for working through anxiety and depression to have a richer emotional experience.

Some extra resources:

Why Can’t I Shut Off My Mind? https://www.hilaryjacobshendel.com/post/2018/03/03/why-can-t-i-shut-off-my-mind

It’s Not Always Depression, Sometimes It’s Shame (NYT OpEd): https://www.hilaryjacobshendel.com/its-not-always-depression-sometimes-its-

It’s Not Always Depression: Working the Change Triangle to Listen to the Body, Discover Core Emotions, and Connect With Your Authentic Self (Random House & Penguin UK):

https://www.amazon.com/Its-Not-Always-Depression-Authentic/dp/0399588140/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3UXPWILNH27FU&keywords=its+not+always+depression+by+hilary+jacobs+hendel&qid=1673190622&sprefix=%2Caps%2C151&sr=8-1

Print out the Change Triangle: https://www.hilaryjacobshendel.com/print-the-change-triangle

Facilitate Emotions Education 101 Classes with the Emotions Education 101 Turnkey Curriculum: https://www.hilaryjacobshendel.com/ee101-train-the-trainer-course

Although we may be entering a new year, this season is still about death and endings, and if we’re resistant to that, we may experience more anxiety than usual. In this episode, I speak to how death and endings are an important piece to the conversation when we are moving out of anxiety and into a rich inner experience.

Find me on Youtube

You guys– I’m absolutely HONORED to be having Somatic Sex Educator and author, Dr. Betty Martin, on the podcast today, to be dissecting giving and receiving today. Her book, The Art of Receiving and Giving: The Wheel of Consent, has completely shifted how I look at my own patterns of giving and receiving in partnership, as well as expanded my intimacy skills with myself and other. A big component of self-trust in partnership is being able to articulate our desires, fears, boundaries, and to confront our belief systems on worthiness. All of which will be covered in this episode. Enjoy!

BOTH FEET IN:

You can purchase Betty’s book here