The Codependummy Podcast

-What is the inner critic? 

-How can we stop listening to or warring with our inner critic?

-How can practicing self-compassion help us befriend our inner critic?

Welcome to Episode 165! This week, Rachel Koutnik, LCSW, is back to teach us all about the befriending our inner critic through self-compassion! In the episode, you’ll hear Rachel walk us through what the ‘inner critic’ is, how we may be codependent with our inner critic, and why that may contribute to our codependency in our relationships. Rather than combat or try to rid ourselves of our inner critic, Rachel suggests befriending it through the use of self-compassion. We conclude with tangible suggestions from Rachel on how to cultivate a self-compassion practice. It’s a must-listen!

Links for the show:

Sign up for the newsletter to receive all things codependummy: https://keap.app/contact-us/2302598426037497  

Journal! The Confiding Codependummy: 30 Days of Journaling Prompts for a Less-Codependent and More-Conscious YOU for just $1 a day. www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing 

FREEBIE! The Self-Validation Challenge: Learn to validate your GD self: www.codependummy.com/challenge 

Money! Funds! Help support the show via a one-time donation via secure Paypal link: https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=RJ3PSNZ4AF7QC 

Work with me! Email marissa@codependummy.com to inquire about psychotherapy, coaching, or coming on the show!

More on this week’s guest:

Rachel Koutnik, Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is a therapist in private practice working mostly online in Los Angeles and is licensed in both CA and IL. Her approach to therapy is both relational and holistic with a focus on helping adolescents, adults, couples and families repair attachment trauma while integrating healing for the mind, body and spirit. 

See Rachel on March 16 at the IOCDF Conference: https://iocdf.org/programs/conferences/ 

Check out Rachel’s website for her individual therapy and group offerings: www.rachelktherapy.com 

More deets on the episode: 

We begin with revisiting Rachel’s definition of codependency that she expands on through the lens of our relationship with ourselves. She describes how we look outside of ourselves for approval and reassurance and behave how we think others want us to be. 

Rachel opens up about codependency in her own life and how she has been more codependent in relationships where her ‘inner critic’ was more at the forefront of her mind. She recalls laughing when things were not funny, having physical intimacy when she wasn’t ready, and privileging the other person’s needs above her own. 

We shift focus to Rachel’s work to help her clients befriend their inner critic. She utilizes self-compassion, based off the work of Kristen Neff, that defines the practice as mindfulness and how we meet our suffering. Rachel defines self-compassion as developing a healthy relationship with suffering through loving, spacious awareness of all our parts. Rachel asserts how self-compassion helps us stop shaming ourselves while we heal which is a mandate to truly healing!

Rachel defines the ‘inner critic’ and shares how we can be just as codependent with this internal part as we are in our external relationships. In order to befriend our inner critic, Rachel asserts how we need to recognize it’s origin (how old is this part?) then engage in the reparative work: naming it, separating from it, using mindfulness, let compassion in, and provide compassion the way you might to a friend. 

We conclude with Rachel listing how we can check in with our bodies when using self-compassion: take turns being the observer, the self-compassionate part, and the inner critic part of us to give all three space. Then, to provide compassion, we can tune in to our breathing, provide soothing though, go through a body scan, engage in movement/exercise, and incorporate tapping via Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT). 

Thank you for coming on again Rachel! And thank you dear listener for listening!

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-How do codependents tend to relate (or not relate!) to their bodies?

-Why are our relationships better when we are more connected with our bodies?

-How can our boundaries improve if we pay better attention to our physical sensations?

Welcome to Episode 164! This week, I am joined by Jacqueline Richards-Shrestha, LPC, about how our codependency is reflected in our connection–or lack there of–to our bodies. In the episode, you’ll hear Jacqueline describe the ways codependents relate to their bodies which often fosters a disconnection as a consequence of ignoring, neglecting, or bypassing our physical sensations. Jacqueline suggests ways we can get in better touch with our bodies and how that improves both our relationships with others and our boundaries within those relationships. We conclude with suggestions from Jacqueline on how we can become ‘somatically curious’ to change our relationship with ourselves and others. It’s a must-listen!

Links for the show:

Sign up for the newsletter to receive all things codependummy: https://keap.app/contact-us/2302598426037497  

Journal! The Confiding Codependummy: 30 Days of Journaling Prompts for a Less-Codependent and More-Conscious YOU for just $1 a day. www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing 

FREEBIE! The Self-Validation Challenge: Learn to validate your GD self: www.codependummy.com/challenge 

Money! Funds! Help support the show via a one-time donation via secure Paypal link: https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=RJ3PSNZ4AF7QC 

Work with me! Email marissa@codependummy.com to inquire about psychotherapy, coaching, or coming on the show!

More on this week’s guest: 

Jacqueline is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Colorado and a Self- Love Coach world Wide. She is passionate about helping young adult & millennial women who struggle with body dissatisfaction and relationship anxiety build their confidence so they can have better relationships and live more fulfilling lives. She has developed the "5-Weeks To A Better Relationship With Your Body" Self- Love Coaching program to help women move beyond a mean, and maybe even abusive relationship with themselves, to one thats kind, loving, and healthy.

More deets on the episode: 

We begin with Jacqueline’s definition of codependency: when someone will self-abandon themself for another person. She describes how it begins via unconscious patterning early on–often preverbal between the ages of 0-1.5 or 2 years old.

Jacqueline opens up about codependency in her own life, including with her first boyfriend when she was 19-20 years old. She recalls how she was ‘so into him’ and how she eventually lost herself in the relationship as a consequence of abandoning herself to get high off his attention. 

We shift focus to Jacqueline’s specialty of our relationship with our bodies. She lists how codependents abandon themselves, neglect taking care of themselves, skip meals, ignore their bodies, which leads to the development of an inner critic, not feeling good enough, and losing our connection with our authentic self. 

Jacqueline asserts how “our bodies are awesome” and suggests how getting connected with our bodies can help us have better relationships. We learn to say “yes” when our body says ‘yes,’ and “no” when our body says ‘no.’ This leads to us being truthful and honoring what we want since we are ‘honoring our system.’

In order to notice your boundaries through your body, Jacqueline encourages incorporating a practice of listening to our bodies, our visceral reactions: a tightening stomach, discomfort, things ‘not feeling right,’ etc. She emphasizes how everyone’s body will speak to them in a UNIQUE WAY. So important to remember!

We conclude with the steps Jacqueline takes with her clients to help them improve their relationship with themself: be ‘somatically curious,’ start with awareness, slow down, see what comes up, and go from there. 

Thank you for coming on Jacqueline! And thank you dear listener for listening!

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-How can defining our values help us with poor boundaries?

-What’s the difference between our unconscious and conscious values?

-Once we know our values, how can that lead to our increased ability to express ourselves?

Welcome to Episode 163! This week, I am joined by Lauren Camacho for her second appearance on the podcast. We talk all about VALUES: the how, the why, and the what when it comes to getting in touch with yours. Lauren describes how values can help us when we are confronted with a big transition in life, when it comes to transforming our boundaries from unhealthy to healthy, and as a way to help us get in better touch with ourselves. Lauren shares about her approach with her clients to help them change their unconscious values (for example, comfort and safety) to conscious (for example, honesty and compassion) as a guide for challenges in life. It’s a must-listen!

Links for the show:

Sign up for the newsletter to receive all things codependummy: https://keap.app/contact-us/2302598426037497  

Journal! The Confiding Codependummy: 30 Days of Journaling Prompts for a Less-Codependent and More-Conscious YOU for just $1 a day. www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing 

FREEBIE! The Self-Validation Challenge: Learn to validate your GD self: www.codependummy.com/challenge 

Money! Funds! Help support the show via a one-time donation via secure Paypal link: https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=RJ3PSNZ4AF7QC 

Work with me! Email marissa@codependummy.com to inquire about psychotherapy, coaching, or coming on the show!

More on this week’s guest:

Lauren Camacho is a therapist, coach, and founder of her group practice, Anew Counseling and Wellness located in Covina, CA. Anew Counseling and Wellness serves adults, teens, and couples and strives to support them in healing, growing, and thriving so they can feel better and live better.

https://www.anewcounselingandwellness.com 

Be sure to contact Lauren on her website for a free therapy consultation!

More deets on the episode:

We begin with revisiting Lauren’s definition of codependency: taking or giving responsibility to someone or something else in order to meet our needs. She adds how codependents often do not get to know who they are, are unable to honor who they are, and then a piece of us (or all of us) gets lost. She emphasizes how we need to ask questions about what do we value, why we value it, and where are those values present (or not present) in our lives. 

Lauren opens up about feeling codependent during her recent venture in opening her group practice: “Someone decide for me please!” She reflects on how she yearned for someone else to make decisions for her rather than take on that responsibility herself. Sound familiar?!

We shift focus to the codependency Lauren often sees in her practice. One common observation with her clients is how codependent they become while going through a difficult stage in life. Lauren reflects how these patients often regress into codependent behavior where they rely on others, experience choas/overwhelm, get into survival mode, are disorganized, and lack an inner authority. 

Lauren expands on her observation of codependent clients feeling detached from themselves. She suggests that, in order to get to know ourselves, we need to start with journaling. We can answer questions like: how am I doing? Where am I feeling emotions in my body? What do I need? How do I need that need?

In order to create better boundaries, Lauren suggests getting in touch with our VALUES. Once we get in touch with our values, they will guide our boundaries and make it that much easier to set and maintain them. We conclude with hearing how our values can also help us face the times we fear getting rejected since we are in touch with why we are willing to be rejected. We conclude with a helpful reminder to be sure to recognize when your following your fear-based values versus your trust-based values. 

Thank you for coming on again Lauren! And thank you dear listener for being here!

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-What drives codependent behavior?

-What are the common reasons that make it hard to stop codependent behavior?

-How is codependent just as lethal as substance and alcohol addiction?

Welcome to Episode 162! This week, we are joined by Dr. Sarah Michaud, PsyD, who opens up about her own codependent recovery that she documents in her book, Co-Crazy. Dr. Sarah shares with us about her codependent recovery journey and her work with codependent women. She describes where codependent behavior comes from and the factors that make it so difficult to stop the behaviors. We explore how codependency is just as lethal as other addictions like substance use and alcoholism and conclude with hearing why this makes Dr. Sarah so passionate about this work. It’s a must-listen!

Links for the show:

Sign up for the newsletter to receive all things codependummy: https://keap.app/contact-us/2302598426037497  

Journal! The Confiding Codependummy: 30 Days of Journaling Prompts for a Less-Codependent and More-Conscious YOU for just $1 a day. www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing 

FREEBIE! The Self-Validation Challenge: Learn to validate your GD self: www.codependummy.com/challenge 

Money! Funds! Help support the show via a one-time donation via secure Paypal link: https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=RJ3PSNZ4AF7QC 

Work with me! Email marissa@codependummy.com to inquire about psychotherapy, coaching, or coming on the show!

More on this week’s guest:

Dr Sarah Michaud is a psychologist who has worked with clients with addiction issues for over 30 years, She has also been sober herself for almost 40 years…she considers her codependency recovery the post important missing piece to her finally finding freedom and liberation over the last 20 years.

www.drsarahmichaud.com 

https://www.youtube.com/@leavingcrazytown → Be the first of 5 people to subscribe to her youtube channel, email leavingcrazytownshow@gmail.com, and get a free copy of her book!

More deets on the episode: 

We begin with Dr. Sarah’s definition of codepdnency: the inability to be with yourself. Codependents cannot speak up, set boundaries, and have an inability to be and know their true self. This leads to feeling exhausted, lost, enraged, detached, and an inabilityt to have true relationships. 

Dr. Sarah opens up about codependency in her own life, including with her father, first husband, and son. She contrasts these anecdotes by sharing about an interaction with her son after she began recovery and how she offered him support, encouragement, and acceptance. What a transformation!

Dr. Sarah suggests where codependent behavior comes from: simplistically, from the lack of knowing yourself. As children, we learn to get what we need and codependents do that indirectly through meeting the needs of others. Codependent behavior is driven by our lack of a sense of self. 

We explore what makes it so hard to stop codependent behavior: it’s uncomfortable, we fear changing our behavior will lead to pain and abandonment, the patterns are so automatic, it takes risk to make changes in our relationships, we have to value ourselves over our relationships, and we fear that we will be perceived as mean and selfish. 

Dr. Sarah is so passionate about this work since she believes that codependency is just as lethal as any addiction. She has witnessed what happens when people don’t take care of themselves and it leads to the same outcomes as addiction: physical and mental suffering. In order to help those who want freedom from codependency, Dr. Sarah wrote her book, Co-Crazy, which is part memoir and part roadmap to recovery. 

Thank you for being here Dr. Sarah! And thank you for listening dear listener!

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-How do codependents often switch from people-pleasing to controlling others?

-Where does our desire to control others come from?

-What can we do to let go of our need to control?

Welcome to Episode 161! Kelli Younglove is back for a deeper look at two common sides of codependency: people-pleasing and controlling others. Kelli opens up about her own experiences being a controlling codependent and how this contributed to her poor boundaries. We discuss where these poor boundaries, people-pleasing, and controlling behaviors come from. The episode concludes with Kelli sharing about all the work she has done to address her poor boundaries and how that led her to creating her boundary course. It’s a must-listen!

Links for the show:

Sign up for the newsletter to receive all things codependummy: https://keap.app/contact-us/2302598426037497  

Journal! The Confiding Codependummy: 30 Days of Journaling Prompts for a Less-Codependent and More-Conscious YOU for just $1 a day. www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing 

FREEBIE! The Self-Validation Challenge: Learn to validate your GD self: www.codependummy.com/challenge 

Money! Funds! Help support the show via a one-time donation via secure Paypal link: https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=RJ3PSNZ4AF7QC 

Work with me! Email marissa@codependummy.com to inquire about psychotherapy, coaching, or coming on the show!

More on this week’s guest:

Kelli Younglove is a Consciousness Coach who teaches her clients a kinder, gentler way to work with their anxiety so they can silence the voice of the harsh inner critic, release stress, and show up in their lives as their happy, confident selves.  She's also the creator of the boundary course: Creating the Container of YOU— a self-study e-course that teaches boundary fundamentals for people pleasers and controllers.

Kelli’s first interview on the podcast: https://codependummy.com/the-basics-of-boundaries-with-kelli-younglove/ 

Kelli’s course: https://courses-kelliyounglove.thinkific.com/courses/boundaries-creating-the-container-of-you 

Receive a free admission to her course by emailing Kelli: kelli@kelliyounglove.com 

https://www.facebook.com/youngloveinc/ 

More deets on the episode: 

We begin by revisiting Kelli’s definition of codependency and she adds how we “need the hit of approval, that rush that I am okay and alright since others are okay with me.” She emphasizes how codependents are left feeling insecure and scared since they are always looking outside of themselves to feel okay. 

Kelli reflects on codependency in her own life and reflects on a boyfriend from her early 20s. She recalls how she was controlling since she feared he would leave her by guilting him, giving him the silent treatment, via emotional blackmail, punishment, threats, and acting like a bully. Sound familiar?

We explore how codependents, despite being such people-pleasers, are controlling as well. This results in us swinging from one extreme to the other due to our lack of inner boundaries. 

Kelli suggests that these roles of people-pleasing and control are rooted in the human struggle for survival! This evolved into the struggle for power and we attempt to control as a survival strategy. In order to combat this, Kelli highlights how we need to switch from fear to better awareness and relate to others in a new way–not from a one up, one down position–but as equals. 

We conclude by hearing about Kelli’s journey to create healthy boundaries in her own life which began in 2002 and how that culminated in her creating her boundary course after decades of study! 

Thanks for coming on Kelli! And thank you for being here, dear listener!

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-What are the common self-defeating thoughts of codependents?

-What is the SNAP method and how can it help change your mindset?

-How can changing our mindset lead to more joy, self-love, and self-care?

Welcome to Episode 160! This week, I’m joined by Joyologist Coleen Greco to unpack the connection between our mindset and our codependency. Coleen shares with us about the common self-defeating thoughts that codependents have, for example, “I can never do anything right.” She shares the negative impact these self-defeating thoughts can have on us then provides ways we can begin to combat them. You’ll hear Coleen share about the SNAP method and how it can be used to promote our healing from codependency. We also explore how changing our mindset can help bring more joy, self-care, and self-love in our lives. It’s a must-listen!

Links for the show:

Sign up for the newsletter to receive all things codependummy: https://keap.app/contact-us/2302598426037497  

Journal! The Confiding Codependummy: 30 Days of Journaling Prompts for a Less-Codependent and More-Conscious YOU for just $1 a day. www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing 

FREEBIE! The Self-Validation Challenge: Learn to validate your GD self: www.codependummy.com/challenge 

Money! Funds! Help support the show via a one-time donation via secure Paypal link: https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=RJ3PSNZ4AF7QC 

Work with me! Email marissa@codependummy.com to inquire about psychotherapy, coaching, or coming on the show!

More on this week’s guest: 

Coleen Greco is a Joyologist helping people feeling amazing in their own skin and remove limiting beliefs so they are able to maximize their full potential.

Download her free ebook: CRUSH Limiting beliefs: https://coleen-greco-joyologist.ck.page/limitingbeliefs 

www.coleengreco.com 

IG: https://www.instagram.com/thecoleengreco/ 

Facebook: https://facebook.com/thecoleengreco 

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/coleengreco/ 

More deets on the episode:

We begin with hearing Coleen’s definition of codependency: needing someone or something versus wanting someone or something. This ‘something’ can be another person, food, alcohol, etc. Coleen highlights how codependency ties into our ability, or inability, to be self-sufficient. 

Coleen opens up about codependency in her own life, including how she was codependent with food and alcohol after her son’s suicidal attempt. Coleen emphasizes how it started out so innocently, as do most codependent relationships, and then it led to dysfunction. She also recalls times when she has been codependent with her coaching clients where she went above and beyond when they weren’t even committed to the process. 

Coleen lists common self-defeating thoughts of codependents: I am not good enough, I will do this for others…in order to…, I am not worthy, I can never do anything right, and I don’t have time for myself. In order to begin improving our mindset, Coleen emphasizes journaling. 

In her work as a joyologist, Coleen helps bring joy to her clients lives which codependents often lack. She distinguishes how joy is based on internal validation and how we can have inner peace, know we are okay, and feel in control of our lives since we are rooted within. 

Coleen walks us through the SNAP Method: Stop, Notice, Accept, and Practice Gratitude. She adds how the SNAP Method plus getting our nutrition in order, incorporating physical fitness, and addressing our mindset can help us have more joy, self-care, and self-love in our lives. 

Thank you for coming on Coleen! And thank you for listening dear listener!

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-How can body work help treat our anxious attachments?

-What is a ‘secure attachment’ and how can we promote that through our bodies?

-In addition to talk therapy, how can body work help promote our healing?

Welcome to Episode 159! This week, Randi Kofsky, LMFT, is back! Randi is here to revisit the theme of body work and how it can promote our healing from codependency. In the episode, you’ll hear Randi share about the connection between codependency and anxious attachment and how body work can help combat anxiety while fostering a secure attachment within ourselves. Randi lays out how body work can help address anxiety and how she walks her clients through a typical session to get in touch with where their anxiety is stored in the body in order to work through it. We conclude with what you can do before, during, and after a body work session if you choose to add it as a much-needed adjunct to your psychotherapy. It’s a must-listen!

Links for the show:

Sign up for the newsletter to receive all things codependummy: https://keap.app/contact-us/2302598426037497  

Journal! The Confiding Codependummy: 30 Days of Journaling Prompts for a Less-Codependent and More-Conscious YOU for just $1 a day. www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing 

FREEBIE! The Self-Validation Challenge: Learn to validate your GD self: www.codependummy.com/challenge 

Money! Funds! Help support the show via a one-time donation via secure Paypal link: https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=RJ3PSNZ4AF7QC 

Work with me! Email marissa@codependummy.com to inquire about psychotherapy, coaching, or coming on the show!

More about this week’s guest: 

Randi Kofsky is a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Santa Monica, California. She offers dynamic and experiential therapy that is attachment and trauma-oriented as well as body-informed and, at times, therapeutic touched informed. 

www.innerrichestherapy.com 

www.innerwavebodywork.com 

Randi’s original interview on the podcast: https://codependummy.com/body-ody-ody-work-how-bodywork-can-help-you-heal-with-randi-kofsky-lmft/ 

More deets on the episode:

We begin with revisiting Randi’s definition of codependency as well as a codependent experience from her own life. She expands on her definition of codependency to include how we reference something outside of us to feel better on the inside. 

We shift focus to Randi’s specialty of body work. In relation to massage, body work is when you integrate touch and massage with a focus on where emotions are felt in the body. For example, if a patient comes in feeling anxious, Randi may ask them where they sense that in their body and massage/touch/tend to that part of them–potentially for the entire session! Or, she may begin with a focus on a specific area, like the lower back, and then follow the patient’s lead if they start to sense their anxiety moving up their spine.

Randi describes for us how body work can help promote our secure-attachment since we become attuned to where we hold emotions, unpack what is happening anatomically, and become familiar with our trigger points and how to take care of them. Randi suggests when we hold anxiety in a certain part of our body, “There is something being held here” to work through. 

Randi lists what we can expect and best prepare for a body work session, including before, during, and after the session. She emphasizes how, in addition to therapy, body work can provide a full-body exploration to connect our body and our thoughts. 

Thank you for coming on the show Randi! And thank you dear listener for listening!

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-What is self-compassion and how can it help heal from codependency?

-What are the basic elements of a self-compassion practice?

-How is self-compassion not self-indulgence, self-pity, or self-esteem?

Welcome to Episode 158! This week, I’m back after a short break to tell you all about SELF-COMPASSION. You’ll hear me define what self-compassion is and how creating a self-compassion practice can help us heal from our codependency. I will also break down the three basic elements of self-compassion: mindfulness, common humanity, and self-kindness. I end with a discussion on what self-compassion is NOT: it is not self-indulgence, self-pity, nor self-esteem. If you’re wanting and needing to be kinder to yourself, be sure to listen to this episode!

Links for the show:

Sign up for the newsletter to receive all things codependummy: https://keap.app/contact-us/2302598426037497  

Journal! The Confiding Codependummy: 30 Days of Journaling Prompts for a Less-Codependent and More-Conscious YOU for just $1 a day. www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing 

FREEBIE! The Self-Validation Challenge: Learn to validate your GD self: www.codependummy.com/challenge 

Money! Funds! Help support the show via a one-time donation via secure Paypal link: https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=RJ3PSNZ4AF7QC 

Work with me! Email marissa@codependummy.com to inquire about psychotherapy, coaching, or coming on the show!

More deets on the episode:

I begin with an honest apology for not airing an episode for the last 3 weeks! This solocast was originally set to air on Christmas Day and, evidently, my pregnancy and life got in the way! But I’m here now! And practicing compassion with myself for taking a while to get this episode up. 

We have a brief check in to help you reflect on how you are doing. 

Next, we dive in to the world of Self-Compassion, which is largely based on my research of the work by Kristen Neff. I break down the discussion of self-compassion in 3 parts:

1. What is Self-Compassion?

2. What are the 3 basic elements of self-compassion:

   1. Self-kindness versus self-judgment. 

   2. Common humanity versus isolation

   3. Mindfulness versus over-identification

3. What is NOT self-compassion. It is NOT:

   1. Self-esteem

   2. Self-indulgence

   3. Self-pity

I conclude the episode with specific ways you can start to practice self-compassion this week: 

1. Remind yourself of the 3 basic elements: common humanity, mindfulness, and self-kindness. 

2. Listen to one of Kristen Neff’s meditations: http://self-compassion.com/ (go to the Practices page)

3. Review a difficult event through the lens of self-compassion. 

Thank you for listening! 

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-What does codependency look like in women attempting to date outside their culture?

-How can codependency with your family prevent you from dating outside your culture (and what are the short- and long-term consequences?)

-If you do date interculturally, what should you be prepared to navigate from the reactions/response from your family?

Welcome to Episode 157! This week, I’m joined by Noura Bermudez, LMFT, to explore codependency in women who date outside their culture (a.k.a. dating interculturally). Noura opens up about her own experience being codependent with her father and what that relationship was like to navigate when she started to date (and eventually marry!) outside her culture despite his disapproval. Noura describes what codependency looks like in women and their families when they begin to attempt to date interculturally and the consequences of this. You’ll hear Noura list what women should be prepared to navigate if their families respond with judgment, shame, prejudice, and threats to disown them. We conclude with steps you can take to cultivate your own autonomy in these situations. It’s a must-listen!

Links for the show:

Sign up for the newsletter to receive all things codependummy: https://keap.app/contact-us/2302598426037497  

Journal! The Confiding Codependummy: 30 Days of Journaling Prompts for a Less-Codependent and More-Conscious YOU for just $1 a day. www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing 

FREEBIE! The Self-Validation Challenge: Learn to validate your GD self: www.codependummy.com/challenge 

Money! Funds! Help support the show via a one-time donation via secure Paypal link: https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=RJ3PSNZ4AF7QC 

Work with me! Email marissa@codependummy.com to inquire about psychotherapy, coaching, or coming on the show!

More on this week’s guest:

Noura Bermudez is a mindfulness-based therapist who helps women in intercultural relationships experiencing rejection and/or disownment by their parents, live authentically and confidently with the choices they have made about dating. Has experience working with Middle Eastern women with immigrant parents. Practicing therapy for 10 years and has a private practice in CA. 

www.bermudeztherapy.com 

www.instagram.com/bermudeztherapy/ 

More deets on the episode: 

We begin with hearing Noura’s definition of codependency: when someone has to sacrifice their authenticity to have or maintain a connection. Seen when someone disowns themselves or a part of themselves, disowns their needs for something the want–love, approval, affection, etc. Noura emphasizes how there is a perk or benefit to our codependency–we just usually aren’t conscious of it. 

Noura opens up about codependency in her own life, including in her relationship with her father. She describes growing up and trying to meet his expectations and standards as a Muslim. This led to her keeping her dating life a secret from him since she dated outside her Muslim and Middle Eastern culture. She ended up marrying outside her culture and, while this put a strain on her relationship with her father, she was eventually able to heal it by putting intentional distance in their relationship and through conversations. 

We shift gears to Noura’s specialty: dating interculturally! She describes what codependency with family can look like in women who date outside their culture: living a secret life, hiding, secrecy, yearning for her family’s approval, not feeling okay until the parents’ feel okay, strain in the relationship, feelings like resentment, and attempts to convince/negotiate with family to approve of their partner. Sounds like My Big Fat Greek Wedding, yes???

Noura lists the short- and long-term consequences of codependency in these women, including sadness, a sense of grief, abandonment, underlying unhappiness, and attempts to conform to the family’s expectations by dating within the culture. Noura’s opinion: codependency and conforming with family’s expectations is not sustainable. 

Noura encourages women who want to date outside their culture to prepare for their family having their own reaction, getting in touch with their values and their ‘why,’ leaning on their support system, and inviting conversations. For the harsher realities like racism, prejudice, and disownment that may come when attempting to date outside one’s culture, Noura encourages seeking professional help, setting boundaries, and cultivating one’s own autonomy. 

We conclude with Noura emphasizing how radical acceptance, intentional distance, and having conversations with family can help the most in these situations. 

Thanks for coming on Noura! And thank you for being here, dear listener!

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-How were you a codependummy this past year? And how weren’t you?

-What are your takeaways/lessons learned from your codependency in 2023?

-What’s Marissa been up to since she last recorded a solocast in January?!

Welcome to Episode 156! This week, it’s me–your hostess mostest–back to share about my reflections on ways I was and wasn’t a codependummy in 2023. We start with a few announcements (one is very exciting!) and then check-in with how you are doing. I then reflect on 2023 and ways I did a decent job setting boundaries, honoring my needs, and taking care of myself despite my old codependent patterns. I articulate takeaways thanks to the progress and growth and hope that I model for you how you too can reflect on 2023 and your own codependency this past year. It’s a must-listen!

Links for the show:

Sign up for the newsletter to receive all things codependummy: https://keap.app/contact-us/2302598426037497  

Journal! The Confiding Codependummy: 30 Days of Journaling Prompts for a Less-Codependent and More-Conscious YOU for just $1 a day. www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing 

FREEBIE! The Self-Validation Challenge: Learn to validate your GD self: www.codependummy.com/challenge 

Money! Funds! Help support the show via a one-time donation via secure Paypal link: https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=RJ3PSNZ4AF7QC 

Work with me! Email marissa@codependummy.com to inquire about psychotherapy, coaching, or coming on the show!

More deets on the episode:

We begin with our old and familiar check in. How you doing boo?

I make a few announcements. So exciting!

Then I share some anecdotes from 2023 that demonstrate how I was a codependummy (at times) and ways I was not (the majority of the time. Yay!). You’ll hear how I navigated self-consciousness with my health, firing my former therapist, dealing with a family member’s mental health crisis, and planning a celebration for myself. 

I list the takeaways from these experiences and hope it serves as a model for you: how have or haven’t you been a codependummy this year? What do those interactions/experiences say about you and your overall progress? What takeaways have you made in 2023?

I share how I’ll likely be recording some more solocasts in the near future as I was graced with so many guests earlier this year and now…not so many. 

Mother yourself baby girl! I’ll see you next week! 

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-What does codependency look like in new mothers and fathers?

-And how about being codependent with grandparents (your parents as well as your in-laws)?

-How can new parents combat codependency generationally in order to foster interdependence in their children?

Welcome to Episode 155! This week, I’m joined by Jamie Givens, LMFT, to talk all about codependency in new parents. We discuss what codependency looks like in new parents between each other, with their children, then focus on grandparents - both your parents and in-laws. Jamie describes the short- and long-term consequences of unaddressed codependency in these relationships and what new parents can do to cultivate interdependence to honor their family unit. We conclude with hearing the long-term benefits of this work which can serve as motivation for new parents everywhere. It’s a must-listen!

Links for the show:

Sign up for the newsletter to receive all things codependummy: https://keap.app/contact-us/2302598426037497  

Journal! The Confiding Codependummy: 30 Days of Journaling Prompts for a Less-Codependent and More-Conscious YOU for just $1 a day. www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing 

FREEBIE! The Self-Validation Challenge: Learn to validate your GD self: www.codependummy.com/challenge 

Money! Funds! Help support the show via a one-time donation via secure Paypal link: https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=RJ3PSNZ4AF7QC 

Work with me! Email marissa@codependummy.com to inquire about psychotherapy, coaching, or coming on the show!

More on this week’s guest:

Jamie Given, LMFT, is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, group practice owner, wife and proud mother of 3 children. Her therapy practice is Given Guidance Family Counseling and emphasizes the importance of counseling for the whole family.

https://givenguidance.com 

(818)446-7488 - call and get $10 off your first session! 

More deets on this week’s episode: 

We begin with hearing Jamie’s definition of codependency with a focus on the individual who does not value themself and lacks self-confidence. She opens up about codependency in her own life via her relationship with her older sister. Jamie recalls how her sister spoke for her, interjected for her, and how they were always intertwined while growing up. As an adolescent, she found her voice and that caused conflict since she previously needed her sister for everything. 

We shift focus to one of Jamie’s specialties: helping new parents transition to parenthood. Jamie discusses how new parents are vulnerable to being codependent on their new baby! This manifests as a new parent perceiving their new baby as the potential source of unconditional love for them. Codependency can also exist between two parents on each other as well as with their parents - the grandparents of the baby. 

Jamie describes what codependency can look like in a new mother or father both with their biological parent (one set of grandparent) as well as with their in-laws (the other set of grandparents). A new father/husband/adult son can be codependent with his mother/new grandmother and be over-reliant on her for help and advice on how to parent his new baby. This can lead to conflict with his partner/wife/new mother. 

Jamie lists the short- and long-term consequences, including immediate conflict, disappointment, and unmet expectations. Long-term, this can lead to negative patterns, conflicts and eruptions, separation due to a lack of communication, and unaddressed assumptions. 

In order to combat generational codependency in new parents, Jamie suggests that partners 1) talk as much as possible (including before the baby comes), 2) have clear communication with the grandparents, 3) know their values and use them as a guide, and 4) involve the grandparents through education. 

If new parents are able to follow these suggestions and set healthy boundaries, Jamie asserts how this can lead to a healthy and successful family unit with ever-changing conversations that will productively address changing needs with the new baby. This will inevitably enhance the relationships and invite clear expectations between all involved in raising the baby. 

Thanks for coming on Jamie! And thank you for being here, dear listener!

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See you next week! 

-What makes a parent a ‘narcissistic parent?’

-How does having a narcissistic parent often breed to codependency in their children and family members?

-If you have a narcissistic parent, what can you do to navigate their behaviors during the holidays?

Welcome to Episode 154! This week, I am joined by Anna Hollaender-Bird to spare you from your holiday misery if you happen to have a narcissistic parent. Anna discusses the common characteristics of a narcissistic parent and how their children or other family members may develop codependency in an attempt to navigate that relationship. We focus on what a narcissistic parent may act like during the holidays and the consequences if their behaviors go unaddressed. Spoiler: it ain’t pretty! We end with concrete suggestions from Anna on how you can deal with your narcissistic parent this holiday season. It’s a must-listen!

Links for the show:

Sign up for the newsletter to receive all things codependummy: https://keap.app/contact-us/2302598426037497  

Journal! The Confiding Codependummy: 30 Days of Journaling Prompts for a Less-Codependent and More-Conscious YOU for just $1 a day. www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing 

FREEBIE! The Self-Validation Challenge: Learn to validate your GD self: www.codependummy.com/challenge 

Money! Funds! Help support the show via a one-time donation via secure Paypal link: https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=RJ3PSNZ4AF7QC 

Work with me! Email marissa@codependummy.com to inquire about psychotherapy, coaching, or coming on the show!

More on this week’s guest:

Anna Hollaender-Bird is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), public speaker, and wellness advocate specializing in helping women, creatives,  and high achievers feel their best. Her favorite topic is dealing with your difficult or narcissistic parent. She runs engaging, informative, and most of all healing workshops on this topic.

www.talkwithanna.com 

More deets on the episode: 

We begin with hearing Anna’s definition of codependency: it’s caretaking for others based in a survival response. Often seen in taking care of others and putting others needs above our own that’s rooted in our past, like our relationship with our parents, that serve as a template for what to expect from future relationships. 

Anna opens up about codependency in her own life in her relationship with her mother. She reflects on her wedding and how she was caretaking for her mother the day-of after her mother became upset. She lists her common codependent behaviors, including apologizing prematurely, trying to keep her mom happy, entertaining her mother, and planning to spend more time with her to avoid upsetting her. 

So, what does it mean to be a ‘narcissistic parent?’ Anna describes how narcissistic parents, when confronted, are unable to a) apologize and b) self-reflect on themselves. Their traits include being charming and generous then shifting to being blaming/punishing, hold and cold interactions, easily triggered, and focused on their needs. 

As a child of a narcissistic parent, one can be vulnerable to becoming codependent since they are required to ignore their own needs, keep their feelings to themselves, not ask for what they want, and are often in a fear response of their parent’s negative reaction. During the holidays, this can turn into high conflict, high expectations/demands, being performative, creating problems, anger in response to boundaries, and causing problems. 

If unaddressed, these patterns can lead to burn out, dread for the holidays, and a sense of mourning. Anna suggests practicing mindful self-compassion, setting limits and boundaries, bringing a buddy, creating a level of protection, self-care, and not being so hard on yourself.  

Thanks for coming on Anna! And thank you for being here, dear listener!

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See you next week! 

-How might codependency in our relationships relate to the weight of our bodies?

-What impact does self-neglect have on our relationship with food, body, body image, and weight?

-How can codependents prioritize personal rituals in their daily routine to prioritize their physical health?

Welcome to Episode 153! This week we are joined by Dr. Susan Peirce Thompson, PhD, to investigate the connection between codependency and weight. Dr. Thompson explains how codependency and weight can relate, including how codependents may cope with their lives through food. We look at topics like self-neglect, self-sacrifice, and caregiving and how those contribute to weight loss or weight gain. Dr. Thompson shares about her work with clients and how she helps them create personal rituals to improve their relationship with food and ultimately themselves. We conclude with specific suggestions from Dr. Thompson on ways to improve our daily routine with food. It’s a must-listen!

Links for the show:

Sign up for the newsletter to receive all things codependummy: https://keap.app/contact-us/2302598426037497  

Journal! The Confiding Codependummy: 30 Days of Journaling Prompts for a Less-Codependent and More-Conscious YOU for just $1 a day. www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing 

FREEBIE! The Self-Validation Challenge: Learn to validate your GD self: www.codependummy.com/challenge 

Money! Funds! Help support the show via a one-time donation via secure Paypal link: https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=RJ3PSNZ4AF7QC 

Work with me! Email marissa@codependummy.com to inquire about psychotherapy, coaching, or coming on the show!

More on this week’s guest:

Dr. SUSAN PEIRCE THOMPSON, PH.D., is the New York Times bestselling author of Bright Line Eating, The Official Bright Line Eating Cookbook, and Rezoom. She is an Adjunct Associate Professor of Brain and Cognitive Sciences at the University of Rochester and an expert in the psychology of eating. She is president of the Institute for Sustainable Weight Loss and the founder of Bright Line Eating, a worldwide movement on a mission to help one million people have their Bright Transformations—the full physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional transformation that accompanies healthy, sustainable weight loss—by 2030. 

https://brightlineeating.com/ 

https://www.facebook.com/BrightLineEating 

https://www.instagram.com//brightlineeating/ 

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCKNuQvVX_3SzNALJlvieH-Q 

More deets on the episode: 

We begin with Dr. Thompson’s definition of codependency: when someone is doing for another what they could do for themselves. This may be for love, approval, to feel safe in themselves, or trying to prevent being hurt. She discusses the caregiver part related to IFS (Internal Family Systems) and how we often are wounded and trying to prevent further wounding. 

Dr. Thompson opens up about codependency in her own life and how her mother was codependent on her while she was an addict. 

We shift focus to Dr. Thompson’s specialty of our relationship to our weight. According to Dr. Thompson, our weight and codependency connect through 1) the addiction pathway; or 2) the consolation pathway. With addiction, codependents may be vulnerable to this pathway since we may rely on substances to cope with life, however, we unconsciously select substances, like food, that help us maintain all of our responsibilities. With the consolation pathway, codependents may reward themselves or view food as a “prize” for all their hard work or when things don’t go their way. 

Dr. Thompson details how codependency may directly impact our weight loss or weight gain. If we use food to help us “keep it together,” then we are likely to gain weight as a consequence. In contrast, if we are so over-focused on others and fulfilling their needs, we may neglect ourselves and lose weight due to self-neglect. She shares about her program, Bright Line Eating, and how she helps people get in touch with the underlying reasons that contribute to their problems with weight. She discusses the connection between weight and food addiction and how addicts and codependents are vulnerable to cross-addictions if they do not address the core issues contributing to their addiction. 

Dr. Thompson encourages us all to take her quiz at www.foodfreedomquiz.com to discover how susceptible we are to to food addiction. In order to create a healthier relationship with our weight and food, she suggests needing a more structured approach to eating, boundaries around meal time, establishing food rituals, incorporating meditation, inspirational readings, and journaling (ever heard of the 5-year journal?).  

Thanks for coming on Dr. Thompson!! And thank you for being here, dear listener!

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See you next week! 

-What does it mean to ‘individuate?’ And how does it contrast with codependency?

-How can codependents work towards individuating?

-If we do individuate, how does that result in our feeling more whole and authentic?

Welcome to Episode 152! This week, my guest Jacqueline Schreiber, Associate MFT, is here to talk all about i n d i v i d u a t i o n. Jacqueline describes the common challenges that women face today and how those challenges often result in us being more codependent and reliant on others to meet our needs. In order to combat this pattern, she encourages that we individuate. You’ll hear her define the process of individuating and the steps she helps her clients take to work towards it. We conclude with how and why this process leads us to feel more whole, authentic, and aware. It’s a must-listen!

Links for the show:

Sign up for the newsletter to receive all things codependummy: https://keap.app/contact-us/2302598426037497 

Journal! The Confiding Codependummy: 30 Days of Journaling Prompts for a Less-Codependent and More-Conscious YOU for just $1 a day. www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing 

FREEBIE! The Self-Validation Challenge: Learn to validate your GD self: www.codependummy.com/challenge

Money! Funds! Help support the show via a one-time donation via secure Paypal link: https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=RJ3PSNZ4AF7QC

Work with me! Email marissa@codependummy.com to inquire about psychotherapy, coaching, or coming on the show!

More on this week’s guest: 

Jacki Schreiber is an associate Marriage and Family Therapist. She received her Masters degree from Antioch University and is pursuing a PhD from Pacifica Graduate Institute. Jacki previously worked as a business consultant and, for the past 16 years, has done process work to heal from her family of origin. 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/jacqueline-a-schreiber-los-angeles-ca/1140845

jackischreibertherapy@gmail.com 

More deets on the episode: 

We begin with Jacqueline’s (aka Jacki) definition of codependent: when two individuals are emotionally or psychologically dependent on one another due to undeveloped parts/skill sets from our development. 

Jacki opens up about codependency in her own life, revealing how she did not have anyone to attach to. She reflects on the enmeshment she had with her mother and how, at times, it was as if they were merged into one. 

We shift focus to Jacki’s specialty of working with women. She lists the challenges that women are facing today, including how we have too many demands for our attention (which enables our avoidance and ability to disconnect), our cultural conditioning to give, and our conditioning as caretakers. 

In order to address these challenges, Jacki is a proponent of individuation. This can be seen as the opposite of codependency, similar to interdependence, but the individual’s experience of interdependence. Jacki describes how she helps her clients work towards indivdiuating by working with their cognitive distortions, helping them become aware of their unconscious thoughts, creating safety, breathwork, shifting energy, and cultivating wholeness. 

Stop. Look. Listen. Feel. Trace. This helps us becom eaware of our triggers and look back to see if we can identify where they relate to our past. This leads to women getting in touch with their truth, wholeness, and authenticity. This also promotes our ability to be with ourselves–talk about the ultimate way to combat codependency! 

Thanks for coming on Jacki! And thank you for being here, dear listener!

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See you next week! 

-What does codependency look like in the betrayed partners of sex addicts?

-How can the safety seeking behaviors of betrayed partners appear ‘codependent’ but really be forms of healthy healing?

-If you are a betrayed partner, what are the initial steps you can take to heal?

Welcome to Episode 151! This week, I am joined by Dan Drake, LMFT, LPCC, CCPS-S, CSAT-S, to talk all about codependency in the betrayed partners of sex addicts. Dan is here to set the record straight on how, despite some behaviors of betrayed partners may appear codependent, they are often necessary, healthy, and healing ways of coping. Dan educates us on the history of treating the betrayed partners of sex addicts and how they were seen as ‘sicker than their partners.’ We discuss what treatment of betrayed partners looks like today and end with suggestions on how you can heal if you have been betrayed. It’s a must-listen!

Links for the show:

Sign up for the newsletter to receive all things codependummy: https://keap.app/contact-us/2302598426037497 

Journal! The Confiding Codependummy: 30 Days of Journaling Prompts for a Less-Codependent and More-Conscious YOU for just $1 a day. www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing 

FREEBIE! The Self-Validation Challenge: Learn to validate your GD self: www.codependummy.com/challenge 

Money! Funds! Help support the show via a one-time donation via secure Paypal link: https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=RJ3PSNZ4AF7QC 

Work with me! Email marissa@codependummy.com to inquire about psychotherapy, coaching, or coming on the show!

More on this week’s guest:

Dan Drake is a licensed clinician, a Certified Clinical Partner Specialist Supervisor as well as a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist Supervisor. He has co-authored several books, including Full Disclosure: How to Share the Truth after Sexual Betrayal and Letters from a Sex Addict: My Life Exposed. Dan is the is the Founder and Clinical Director of Banyan Therapy Group in Los Angeles.

Free Boundary Setting Resources: https://www.banyantherapy.com/resources/ 

https://www.banyantherapy.com/ 

https://www.instagram.com/banyantherapygroup/ 

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC9XcxIVClbH3Qjio0AWBs4Q 

https://twitter.com/i/flow/login?redirect_after_login=%2Fbanyantherapy 

https://www.facebook.com/BanyanTherapyGroup 

More deets on the episode: 

We begin with Dan’s definition of codependency: a way of managing one’s own internal state through others. Dan reveals his reluctance to use the definition due to the controversy and misdiagnosis of the term in the treatment of the betrayed partners of sex addicts. 

Dan reflects on codependency in his own life, including how he often deferred to others when it came to deciding everyday things like what to eat for dinner. He also shares how that pattern continues on sidewalks where he defers to others in his path which way he should move to avoid colliding. Can you relate?

Dan provides a brief history on the treatment of betrayed partners of sex addicts. Since it is a “process” rather than “chemical” addiction, it is different than treating substances. However, initially, the wives of male sex addicts were seen as the enabling, “sicker,” and neurotic codependent partner. Thankfully, in the early 2000s, this perspective was radically changed as many betrayed partners are not even aware of their partners’ addiction due to the inherent manipulation, secrecy, and ease with hiding the addiction. 

Dan and I explore how and why the safety seeking behaviors of betrayed partners may look codependent–but they aren’t! We grapple with behaviors like making excuses, secret-keeping, ‘snoopervising,’ and staying in the relationship. We agree that, since sex addiction is a process addiction, the behavior of the betrayed is more nuanced, and thus, more difficult to label objectively as ‘codependent.’ 

Dan discusses ways a partner can discern whether they are being abused/gaslit as they work towards healing. We conclude by healing how Dan helps couples navigate the healing process from sex addiction and how he helps the betrayed partner focus on the integration of their whole self. 

Thanks for coming on Dan! And thank you for being here, dear listener!

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See you next week! 

-What does it look like to be addicted to another person?

-If we are addicted, how can we detach without the obsession?

-How can we avoid relationship addiction through being independent within a relationship?

Welcome to Episode 150! This week, Dr. Etel Leit joins us to discuss her book, Unaddicted to You. We take a deep dive Q&A where I take quotes and scenes from her book for her to expand on the codependency and relationship addiction she has overcome in her own life. You’ll hear Dr. Etel reflect on the codependency she experienced both at home and in romantic relationships and the impact that had in her adult life. We explore resources for those wanting to detach from unhealthy relationships and how one can do it without feeling so obsessive. To conclude, Dr. Etel describes how one can be independent within relationships–what a concept! It’s a must-listen!

Links for the show:

Sign up for the newsletter to receive all things codependummy: https://keap.app/contact-us/2302598426037497 

Journal! The Confiding Codependummy: 30 Days of Journaling Prompts for a Less-Codependent and More-Conscious YOU for just $1 a day. www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing

FREEBIE! The Self-Validation Challenge: Learn to validate your GD self: www.codependummy.com/challenge 

Money! Funds! Help support the show via a one-time donation via secure Paypal link: https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=RJ3PSNZ4AF7QC

Work with me! Email marissa@codependummy.com to inquire about psychotherapy, coaching, or coming on the show!

More on this week’s guest:

Dr. Leit is a leader in human communication research, family addiction advocate, professor, author, and mentor. She currently serves as a professor at Sofia University and is the owner of SignShine, a parenting center located in Beverly Hills. Her third book, "UnAddicted To You – Loving Yourself Through the Darkness," has become a best-seller and can be found on the shelves of Barnes and Noble.

Her book: https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/unaddicted-to-you-loving-yourself-through-the-darkness-etel-leit/1139014237 

>>> Free Relationship Diagnose:
https://etelleit.com/relationship-diagnostic-session 

>>> How to Stop People Pleasing:
https://etelleit.com/people-pleasing-program 

More deets on the episode: 

We begin with Dr. Etel’s definition of codependency: putting someone else as your higher power/God. That someone else could be something, a partner, one’s boss, parents, children, people, places, or things. 

We then take a deep dive into Dr. Etel’s book, Unaddicted to You. Here are the quotes she expands on: 

-I looked at everyone with a magnifying glass yet refused to look into my mirror… Dr. Etel reflects on the codependency from her childhood as well as her adulthood and emphasizes how she struggled to hold a mirror up to herself which made it impossible to access her intuition. 

-I am terrified to speak about it. know full well that if I dare to bring out the truth, it will certainly destroy me. It will create violent chaos with no way back. It will be better to pretend, hide the fact, and shove it deep into a hidden cabinet so no one will find it. But the truth keeps growing, and I need to block the door because it is in danger of bursting off the hinges. Dr. Etel shares on how we fear the repercussions will be so bad, that no one will believe us, and question ourselves which makes it hard to leave an abusive relationship. 

-“You are sick, too…you need help, go to Al-Anon.” Dr. Etel recalls her attendance in Al-Anon, psychotherapy, utilizing music, meditating, and building a support system as ways she was able to fight her codependency. 

-…I can admit it. My addiction was Dan. My addiction was judging him: looking and finding his faults, his blameworthiness, searching with extreme delight for his rotten skeletons in hidden closets…I will take care of myself. I will fight this compulsion. I will find myself in all of it. I will deal with this obsession. I will go back to my children and I will choose life!  Dr. Etel recollects choosing herself by setting healthy boundaries and how she was able to stop micromanaging others, including her ex-husband. 

-When you help someone, consider if they can help themselves…If you realize that you worry more about them than yourself, then you must turn around and start reclaiming your life. We conclude by hearing Dr. Etel’s suggestions on how you can be independent while in relationships. 

Thanks for coming on Dr. Etel! And thank you for being here, dear listener!

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-What does codependency look like in 12-step programs (even in Codependents Anonymous)?

-What are common vulnerabilities of codependents in 12-step programs?

-How can codependents avoid their common pitfalls in 12-step programs to get the most out of them?

Welcome to Episode 149! This week, Natalie Friedman is back to discuss codependency in 12-step programs. You’ll hear about the history of 12-step programs and how the principles that helped alcoholics get sober also helped their loved ones with their relationships. Natalie describes what codependency looks like in 12-step programs and how members can be vulnerable to codependency due to an emphasis on giving service, helping others, etc. We conclude with suggestions from Natalie on how codependents can participate in 12-step programs while avoiding our common pitfalls like people-pleasing, self-sacrifice, and poor boundaries. It’s a must-listen!

Links for the show:

Sign up for the newsletter to receive all things codependummy: https://keap.app/contact-us/2302598426037497 

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Money! Funds! Help support the show via a one-time donation via secure Paypal link: https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=RJ3PSNZ4AF7QC

Work with me! Email marissa@codependummy.com to inquire about psychotherapy, coaching, or coming on the show!

More on this week’s guest:

Natalie Friedman is a licensed marriage family therapist in private practice in Santa Monica CA. She has been in practice for about 10 years and is currently seeing people online and in person (prefers in person). Natalie loves working with highly sensitive folks who grew up in addicted/dysfunctional families.

www.natalietherapy.com 

Natalie’s initial interview on the podcast: https://codependummy.com/addicted-and-dysfunctional-families-with-natalie-friedman-lmft/ 

More deets on this week’s episode: 

We revisit Natalie’s definition of codependency and she adds what she’s found on Google: that it is described as a pattern, a condition, a set of behaviors, and an addiction. 

Natalie opens up about her codependent relationship with her mother, reflecting how “we were too close.” She shares how she merged her identity with her mother, was always about to “save” her mother, and felt she was the best caretaker/loyal daughter/needs-anticipator for her mom. 

We shift focus to codependency in 12-step programs. Natlaie provides some history on Alcoholics Anonymous and how a program for the loved ones of alcoholics, known as Al-Anon, began soon after since there was a recognition that they needed help too. In AA, alcoholics are powerless over alcohol, while in Al-Anon, members are powerless over people. 

Natalie describes what codependency can look like in 12-step meetings: people-pleasing, self-sacrifice, a need to control, and having high expectations from the program. She discusses the vulnerability of participants in these programs since they are often newly sober, emotionally raw, and susceptible due to their fragile state. This can lead to over-helping, strict adherence to the principles, and neglecting other areas of one’s life. 

Without addressing codependency in 12-step programs, participants are likely to end up feeling out of control, lost, frustrated, resentful, and dissatisfied in their relationships. In order to avoid these pitfalls, Natalie suggests practicing awareness, starting to read about the program (books like Melody Beattie’s Codependent No More), and putting language to what is happening. 

Thanks for coming on Natalie! And thank you for being here, dear listener!

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-What is brainspotting and how can it be used to treat codependency?

-How can brainspotting help us move beyond our self-conscious thoughts, especially in therapy?

-Why is it important to incorporate somatic (body) and subcortical (brain) processing in our healing work?

Welcome to Episode 148! This week, I sat down with Lauren Worley, LCSW, to talk all about b r a i n s p o t t i n g. You’ll hear Lauren educate us on what brainspotting is, how it can treat codependency, and what makes it so unique and different compared to other forms of psychotherapy. Lauren describes the process of brainspotting that she takes with her codependent patients and how it can help them move beyond the people-pleasing, self-consciousness, and lack of boundaries that unfortunately come up in the therapy room. We conclude by hearing Lauren’s observations on how brainspotting has truly helped her codependent patients. It’s a must-listen!

Links for the show:

Sign up for the newsletter to receive all things codependummy: https://keap.app/contact-us/2302598426037497 

Journal! The Confiding Codependummy: 30 Days of Journaling Prompts for a Less-Codependent and More-Conscious YOU for just $1 a day. www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing

FREEBIE! The Self-Validation Challenge: Learn to validate your GD self: www.codependummy.com/challenge 

Money! Funds! Help support the show via a one-time donation via secure Paypal link: https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=RJ3PSNZ4AF7QC

Work with me! Email marissa@codependummy.com to inquire about psychotherapy, coaching, or coming on the show!

More on this week’s guest:

Lauren Worley, LCSW, is a mental health therapist located in La Crescenta, CA. She is passionate about using Brainspotting to help clients who are stuck in a talk therapy rut. She works with youth and young adults, many who are exploring who they might be in terms of gender, sexuality, and life and career paths. She runs a group practice and has two associates who specialize in couples therapy and sports performance.

www.foothillspsychotherapy.com 

More deets on the episode:

We begin with hearing Lauren’s definition of codependency: an imbalanced dependency that can occur in couples, platonic relationships, professional relationships, etc. Codependents often control others because they have no trust in others. Behaviors include people-pleasing, taking care of others, lacking trust, and being hurt or disappointed when their care is not reciprocated. 

Lauren opens up about codependency in her own life where she found herself “being in charge” of her children’s extracurriculars, activities, and scheduling since she did not trust her husband to take care of it. Can you relate?! She admits she was not able to trust him with small tasks and is now making an effort not to parent him nor be in charge. 

We shift gears to Lauren’s specialty: brainspotting! She describes the history of brainspotting and it’s connection to EMDR. “Where you look affects how you feel.” Brain spots are defined as where you stare off which can be related to deep trauma. The processing is both somatic and subcortical with an emphasis that the patient knows how to heal themself. 

We explore how brainspotting can help treat codependency, including help with boundary-setting, building trust with one self, and processing past events/memories. Lauren is able to work with her patients to identify a gaze spot, a memory, and help them revisit their emotions through their bodies in order to come to more empowering conclusions. 

Lauren shares about what is unique and different about brainspotting: one can process memories and past trauma faster; one can let go of people-pleasing and self-consciousness in session since it is a subcortical process; patients often experience deeper and newer insights. 

With her new patients, Lauren helps them identify what they want to heal from (front loading), going through the activation process to target past memories, and gain more awareness of where they experience their strong emotional responses in their body. She’s heard from multiple patients who have reported “I responded differently than I did before,” “I was calm when I responded,” and different approaches to previous triggers. Amazing!

Thanks for coming on Lauren! And thank you for listening, my dear listener!

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-What are and what aren’t boundaries?

-How come the energy that boundaries are derived from (e.g., from a place of fear or love) is so important?

-What can you do to set and maintain your internal and external boundaries?

Welcome to Episode 147! This week, Karen McMahon is back to educate us all about boundaries! Karen shares with us what boundaries are and what they are not! We also hear about the distinction between internal and external boundaries then learn how to set AND maintain them. Karen shares about how and why the energy we set our boundaries from (e.g., from the energy of fear or love) is so important when it comes to setting authentic boundaries. We conclude with the initial steps Karen takes with her coaching clients to help them get clear on what they need, where their emotions are coming from, and how to channel that into setting healthy and sustainable boundaries. It’s a must-listen!

Links for the show:

Sign up for the newsletter to receive all things codependummy: https://keap.app/contact-us/2302598426037497 

Journal! The Confiding Codependummy: 30 Days of Journaling Prompts for a Less-Codependent and More-Conscious YOU for just $1 a day. www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing

FREEBIE! The Self-Validation Challenge: Learn to validate your GD self: www.codependummy.com/challenge 

Money! Funds! Help support the show via a one-time donation via secure Paypal link: https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=RJ3PSNZ4AF7QC

Work with me! Email marissa@codependummy.com to inquire about psychotherapy, coaching, or coming on the show!

More on thise week’s guest:

Karen McMahon is Certified Relationship and Divorce Coach and Founder of Journey Beyond Divorce. Karen leads a national team of divorce coaches in supporting men and women around the world to become calm, clear and confident as they navigate divorce. Karen is the host of the acclaimed Journey Beyond Divorce Podcast, co-author of ‘Stepping out of Chaos: Turning Pain to Possibility”, creator of JBD’s exclusive Accelerated Divorce Recovery Program.

You can find Karen’s first interview on the podcast focused on Codependency and Divorce which aired in February 2022: https://codependummy.com/codependency-in-divorcees-with-karen-mcmohan-certified-divorce-coach/ 

Karen’s free quiz: https://www.jbddivorcesupport.com/relationshiphealthquiz  

https://www.jbddivorcesupport.com/ 

https://www.instagram.com/journey_beyond_divorce/ 

https://www.facebook.com/journeybeyonddivorce/ 

More deets on the episode: 

We revisit Karen’s definition of codependency and hear her add about the importance of the emotional energy underneath our behavior. Karen describes how codependency is often rooted in victim and conflict energy whereas, on our healing journy, we move towards energy of personal responsibility and compassion. When we are codependent, we abandon ourselves out of fear of something or a desire to gain something. 

Karen opens up about two recent experiences related to her codependency. In the first anecdote, she was accused of being codependnet with her adult children while she was grieving the loss of her mother. Karen went to therapy and was able to get clear with herself that it was not coming from a codependent place, but rather, a place of compassion and service for her children. In her second example, Karen noticed she was being codependent with her pets! She noticed herself wondering whether she was doing right by them, realized what she was doing, and laughed it off. 

We shift gears to Karen’s expertise with boundaries. What are boundaries according to Karen? Boundaries are derived from freedom, responsibility, and love. They are a paradigm, a skill, and like a fence around a yard that establishes one’s space but has a gate that let’s people in and out. 

Karen contrasts what boundaries are with what they are not: they are not a way to control people, they do not require strict adherence from others, they are not ultimatums, they cannot be used to change another’s behavior, and they cannot be weaponized/punitize/penalize others. I ask Karen why she believes we codependents often warp boundaries into attempts to control others. Karen revisits her emphasis on the energy from which they come from: if the boundaries we set are coming from victim energy compared to compassion/service energy, then we may be doing something other than setting an authentic boundary. 

Karen educates us on the distinction between internal and external boundaries, where internally we can create limits so others aren’t able to “make” us feel any certain way. We conclude with hearing where to begin with setting boundaries: ask yourself ‘What do I need? Where am I at energetically? Where are my emotions at?,’ own our stuff, and discern who is and isn’t healthy in our lives. 

Thanks for coming on Karen! And thank you for listening, my dear listener!

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-The Self-Validation Challenge - free 30-day guide to providing yourself with all the validation you seek: www.codependummy.com/challenge

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See you next week!

-What does codependency look like in CEOs and leaders?

-How can work culture and company values mask codependent behavior in leaders and staff?

-What’s underneath a codependent CEOs behavior? And how can they begin to address it?

Welcome to Episode 146! This week, Melissa Bennett-Heinz is back to expose the codependent behavior plaguing leaders and CEOs. We often do not associate ‘codependent’ with the title of CEO, however, Melissa shares with us about how work culture and company values enable codependent behavior like people-pleasing, self-sacrifice, and prioritize the needs of others (i.e., the company) above oneself. Melissa describes the codependent patterns of CEOs and what is often underneath those behaviors, including low self-esteem, boundary issues, and conflict avoidance. We conclude with hearing the initial steps Melissa takes with her CEO clients to help them break their codependent patterns. It’s a must-listen!

Links for the show:

Sign up for the newsletter to receive all things codependummy: https://keap.app/contact-us/2302598426037497 

Journal! The Confiding Codependummy: 30 Days of Journaling Prompts for a Less-Codependent and More-Conscious YOU for just $1 a day. www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing

FREEBIE! The Self-Validation Challenge: Learn to validate your GD self: www.codependummy.com/challenge 

Money! Funds! Help support the show via a one-time donation via secure Paypal link: https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=RJ3PSNZ4AF7QC

Work with me! Email marissa@codependummy.com to inquire about psychotherapy, coaching, or coming on the show!

More on thise week’s guest:

Melissa Bennett-Heinz is a licensed clinical social worker in private practice in the states of New York, Washington, Texas, and North Carolina and has over 20 years of specialized training and experience in the treatment of PTSD, sexual trauma, childhood abuse, chronic mental illness, and mood and anxiety disorders. Melissa primarily works with adults in both individual and group settings with people who are highly educated and successful, C-Suite executives who appear to have it together and are "happy" but are stuck in old relational patterns, struggle with perfectionism, relationships, and codependency. 

www.melissabennettheinz.com 

https://www.linkedin.com/in/melissa-bennett-heinz-149807a/ 

https://facebook.com/melissa.bennettheinz 

Melissa’s first interview on Codependummy: https://codependummy.com/gestalt-therapy-101-with-melissa-bennett-heinz/ 

More deets on the episode: 

We begin with revisiting Melissa’s definition of codependency and what she has to add today: every relationship has codependency in it, whether it is with a person, children, or an entity like a company/group. The word ‘codependent’ is an attempt to explain a relationship dynamic that can go bad, however, there is healthy codependency and unhealthy codependency. Parents, for example, often display codependent behavior that is categorically healthy. 

We revisit Melissa’s previous interview where she shared about a codependent interaction returning her shopping cart at ALDI. Today, she reflects on her codependency as her own CEO of her private practice. As her own boss, she has had to find how she holds boundaries with her business while being fluid with them. Her anecdote about a client who was unable to afford a recent fee raise is the perfect example of how boundaries are relative and not always one-size-fits-all. 

We shift focus to one of Melissa’s specialties: working with CEOs and leaders. She describes codependent behavior in this population, including sacrificing their own needs for the needs of the company. Due to company values, codependent behavior is masked through team work, employee engagement, and customer service. 

Melissa then contrasts the external behaviors of CEOs and leaders to what is going on underneath: their external motivation and fixation on company success is often derived from their low self-esteem; their servitude, selflessness, and self-sacrifice is rooted in their need for power and control; their people-pleasing and customer service is connected with their insecurity; and their enmeshment with employees is the consequence of their boundary issues. Melissa emphasizes how their key to failure is trying to please everyone. 

We conclude with hearing how Melissa begins her work to address the codependent behavior in her CEO clients. Due to the stigma of codependency, Melissa starts slow and helps them shift their focus on their problems to their feelings. She helps them find ways to give voice to what is feeding the behavior and educates them on shame, guilt, and fear. Through her work using Gestalt therapy, her clients are able to get back to a healthier place and lead in a more integrated manner. 

Thanks for coming on Melissa! And thank you for listening, my dear listener!

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