The Sex, Porn & Love Addiction Podcast

Don't think about having truly achieved sobriety until one year from the last acting out.

“A bit arbitrary Gary. Rather too long, don’t you think?” My reply is that the compulsive and addiction behaviours usually have a few decades start on you. In other words, many clients have been doing the behaviours for decades – often since childhood development. A habit; a hamster wheel behaviour pattern; otherwise more therapeutically called a neural pathway - is well established. 

It is not going to be possible to wean your brain – your physiology - off the biochemical fix of Dopamine, Oxytocin, Serotonin & Noradrenaline, in a short time frame. There is a “cold turkey” effect. It is not like illegal drugs. The cold turkey effect is mood related. That is what the addiction was set up to manage.

And then that thing called “Insecure Attachment” again….

Why not interact with me about these Podcasts. I don't know if you are getting benefit or not. Motivate me to keep going. Go on. Text/WhatsApp +447866097247; Email: info@kairos-centre.com

Presented by The Kairos Centre:  bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

The Kairos Centre created probably the world's first comprehensive Online webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction video-on-demand Recovery Programme; where you discover the real, authentic you.

Bringing colour back to life - without shame.

Connect with me on Youtube: Gary McFarlane
https://www.kairos-centre.com/changement-on-demand/
Gary McFarlane  BA, LLM, Dip, Certs

Now launched: A Video-on-Demand Online Course (for Singles, Couples/Marrieds/Partners & long time marrieds)

Gary is a Relate trained and experienced Relationship counsellor, Mediator and undertakes Sex Therapy & Sex Addiction treatment all of which are undertaken by various online secure webcam such as zoom & Bilateralbase, with clients worldwide. Gary has been working Online for some 11 years and holds a certificate in Online Therapy. He is also a member of the National Counselling Society, the Association for the Treatment of Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity (ATSAC) and an Accredited member of the Assoc of Christian Counsellors and is a member of stopSO. He also practices EMDR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) as an Accredited EMDR Practitioner; AI-EMDR (Attachment Informed EMDR), Couples together EMDR (on each other); G-TEP (Group affected/impacted trauma EMDR), R-TEP (Recent Event EMDR) and The Advanced Flash Technique (to reduce emotional disturbance in less than 10 mins)  - for Trauma, Anxiety, Stress, Depression, pain, fears and many more conditions -  unprocessed issues from the past/decades or current.

Email: info@kairos-centre.com
www.kairos-centre.com
Tel 0786 609 7247

Social Media links
Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/thekairoscentre/
Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/KairosTherapy/
LinkedIn - https://www.linkedin.com/company/the-kairos-centre
Website – https://www.kairos-centre.com/
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@kairoscentre
COD - https://www.kairos-centre.com/changement-on-demand/

Getting help is not a sign of weakness.

Repeated Negative patterns of behaviours, give a glimpse of a problem. I take me into the relationship and is me being me, doing life how I do life – “What’s the problem?”; the problem must be you.

There is no problem if there is no problem; but when you know there is a problem – because life just is not working well for you - then you need to lift your head up and acknowledge that you may need a third party (a Therapist) to come alongside you. Do it – even whilst kicking and screaming and your finger nails are leaving marks in the carpet as you are dragged across the carpet into the Therapist's office (or made much easier for you now – Online!)

That sounds like my journey; kicking and screaming, that only Freud could unravel a complex being like me! (That was my long time avoidant strategy. "After all, I am a Black man and I aim't sharing me with some busy-body Counsellor. I can do this....")

Your partner is going to be a mirror, reflecting "you" back onto you and bringing out/triggering out – you and your stuff. Don’t ditch the partner yet. Maybe work through your stuff first, then decide if you still want to ditch the partner; after all, you are destined to take you and your stuff into any new relationship and repeat the same old, same old. It will just look a little differently with that new partner. Get it?

Why not interact with me about these Podcasts. I don't know if you are getting benefit or not. Motivate me to keep going. Go on. Text/WhatsApp +447866097247; Email: info@kairos-centre.com

Presented by The Kairos Centre:  bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

The Kairos Centre created probably the world's first comprehensive Online webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction video-on-demand Recovery Programme; where you discover the real, authentic you.

Bringing colour back to life - without shame.

Connect with me on Youtube: Gary McFarlane
https://www.kairos-centre.com/changement-on-demand/
Gary McFarlane  BA, LLM, Dip, Certs

Now launched: A Video-on-Demand Online Course (for Singles, Couples/Marrieds/Partners & long time marrieds)

Gary is a Relate trained Relationship counsellor, Mediator and undertakes Sex Therapy & Sex Addiction treatment. He is also a member of the National Counselling & Psychotherapy Society, the Association for the Treatment of Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity (ATSAC) and an Accredited member of the Assoc of Christian Counsellors and is a member of stopSO. He also practices EMDR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) as an Accredited EMDR Practitioner. AI-EMDR (Attachment Informed EMDR), Couples together EMDR ; G-TEP (Group affected trauma EMDR), R-TEP (Recent Event EMDR) and The Advanced Flash Technique for Trauma, Anxiety, Stress, Depression, pain, fears and  other conditions. 

Email: info@kairos-centre.com
www.kairos-centre.com
Tel 0786 609 7247

Social Media links
Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/thekairoscentre/
Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/KairosTherapy/
LinkedIn - https://www.linkedin.com/company/the-kairos-centre
Website – https://www.kairos-centre.com/
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@kairoscentre</

You are not weaker and less robust than others. It is a lie.

The behaviours are all about managing emotions, in response to issues in the past - still operating the same way in the present. Once repeat behaviours set in, you are on the hamster wheel and it is difficult to get off. 

What’s all this got to do with a 6 years old whose Action man or Barbie doll was stolen by the boy down the road or even about someone borrowing your tooth brush but not putting it back and you get so very (OTT) angry when someone don’t put your stuff back after borrowing them? The adult can learn so much about how they are now doing life, by re-visiting the childhood development years.

You need to get off the present hamster wheel of negative repetitive behaviours and then create another hamster wheel; but this time, a hamster wheel set up with new positive behaviours, which you repeat over time and not re-open the old negative hamster wheel. That is what The Kairos Centre Recovery Programme is about; creating new hamster wheels; new habits; us Therapists prefer to call - new  neural pathways.

Why not interact with me about these Podcasts. I don't know if you are getting benefit or not. Motivate me to keep going. Go on. Text/WhatsApp +447866097247; Email: info@kairos-centre.com

Presented by The Kairos Centre:  bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

The Kairos Centre created probably the world's first comprehensive Online webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction video-on-demand Recovery Programme; where you discover the real, authentic you.

Bringing colour back to life - without shame.

Connect with me on Youtube: Gary McFarlane
https://www.kairos-centre.com/changement-on-demand/
Gary McFarlane  BA, LLM, Dip, Certs

Now launched: A Video-on-Demand Online Course (for Singles, Couples/Marrieds/Partners & long time marrieds)

Gary is a Relate trained and experienced Relationship counsellor, Mediator and undertakes Sex Therapy & Sex Addiction treatment all undertaken online secure webcam, with clients worldwide. Working Online for 12 years. A member of the National Counselling Society, the Association for the Treatment of Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity (ATSAC) and an Accredited member of the Assoc of Christian Counsellors and is a member of stopSO. He also practices EMDR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) as an Accredited EMDR Practitioner; AI-EMDR (Attachment Informed EMDR), Couples together EMDR (on each other); G-TEP (Group affected/impacted trauma EMDR), R-TEP (Recent Event EMDR) and The Advanced Flash Technique (to reduce emotional disturbance in less than 10 mins)  - for Trauma, Anxiety, Stress, Depression, pain, fears and many more conditions -  unprocessed issues from the past/decades or current.

Email: info@kairos-centre.com
www.kairos-centre.com
Tel 0786 609 7247

Social Media links
Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/thekairoscentre/
Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/KairosTherapy/
LinkedIn - https://www.linkedin.com/company/the-kairos-centre
Website – https://www.kairos-centre.com/
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@kairoscentre
COD - https://www.kairos-centre.com/changement-on-demand/

dSeriously!!

The highest download of porn during the day is between the hours of 9am and 5pm. (Let me spell it out -- OFFICE HOURS!)

“That’s crazy!” Not so crazy for some. The brain has decided that the “Feeling-state” that it gets from the behaviour ie the lushness, is worth the massively high risk and trade-off. As human-beings, we tend to push the boundaries too far and a hand grenade explodes, leaving us fire-fighting and picking up shrapnel. 

What massive risks? The Feeling-state that was set up many years before, is ruling the day. It thinks the risk is worth-while. But remember, by then, the frontal lobe part of the brain that makes logical decisions, is off-line. The major decisions are being taken from the Limbic brain (the emotional feeling brain).

Compulsions and addictions do need help. They are mental health conditions. Call it what you want - "Compulsive Sexual Behaviour Disorder - CSBD" (from the World Health Organisation in 2019); or the colloquial names of "Sex Addiction" or "Porn Addiction"; does not matter much to those caught up in its tentacles; except that it is treatment that should be available in the UK under private  medical insurance cover and the NHS.

Us Sex, Porn, Love Addiction specialists are just getting on and helping people and one day, definitions, categorisation and treatment regimes will catch up. 

Get the help you need people – from The Kairos Centre. Why not interact with me about these Podcasts. I don't know if you are getting benefit or not. Motivate me to keep going. Go on. Text/WhatsApp +447866097247; Email: info@kairos-centre.com

Presented by The Kairos Centre:  bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

The Kairos Centre created probably the world's first comprehensive Online webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction video-on-demand Recovery Programme; where you discover the real, authentic you.

Bringing colour back to life - without shame.

Connect with me on Youtube: Gary McFarlane
https://www.kairos-centre.com/changement-on-demand/
Gary McFarlane  BA, LLM, Dip, Certs

Now launched: A Video-on-Demand Online Course (for Singles, Couples/Marrieds/Partners & long time marrieds)

Gary is a Relate trained and experienced Relationship counsellor, Mediator and undertakes Sex Therapy & Sex Addiction treatment. He is also a member of the National Counselling Society, the Association for the Treatment of Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity (ATSAC) and an Accredited member of the Assoc of Christian Counsellors and is a member of stopSO. He also practices EMDR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) as an Accredited EMDR Practitioner.

Email: info@kairos-centre.com
www.kairos-centre.com
Tel 0786 609 7247

Social Media links
Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/thekairoscentre/
Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/KairosTherapy/
LinkedIn - https://www.linkedin.com/company/the-kairos-centre
Website – https://www.kairos-centre.com/
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@kairoscentre
COD - https://www.kairos-centre.com/changement-on-demand/

More about this thing called “Love Addiction”. What is it? What it is not.

“Push you Pull me” is at work. “I want you, I love you…..but you're getting too close; you might finish with me, so I am getting jittery and so I am going to push you away, so I force us to end, so you don’t finish with me when I was not expecting it; that must never happen and catch me off guard”.

Here is my definition of Sex Addiction which I use: "A pattern of sexual behaviours which pre-occupy your thoughts and are out of control. You cannot stay stopped for a sustainable period or consistently and it has harmful consequences and the behaviour serves a function in your life and it is used primarily to anaesthetize some negative feeling state. (The important criterion, which makes it an addiction, rather than a love of sex, is that, it serves a function).

Why not interact with me about these Podcasts. I don't know if you are getting benefit or not. Motivate me to keep going. Go on. Text/WhatsApp +447866097247; Email: info@kairos-centre.com

Presented by The Kairos Centre:  bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

The Kairos Centre created probably the world's first comprehensive Online webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction video-on-demand Recovery Programme; where you discover the real, authentic you.

Bringing colour back to life - without shame.

Connect with me on Youtube: Gary McFarlane
https://www.kairos-centre.com/changement-on-demand/
Gary McFarlane  BA, LLM, Dip, Certs

Now launched: A Video-on-Demand Online Course (for Singles, Couples/Marrieds/Partners & long time marrieds)

Gary is a Relate trained and experienced Relationship counsellor, Mediator and undertakes Sex Therapy & Sex Addiction treatment all of which are undertaken by various online secure webcam such as zoom & Bilateralbase, with clients worldwide. Gary has been working Online for some 11 years and holds a certificate in Online Therapy. He is also a member of the National Counselling Society, the Association for the Treatment of Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity (ATSAC) and an Accredited member of the Assoc of Christian Counsellors and is a member of stopSO. He also practices EMDR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) as an Accredited EMDR Practitioner; AI-EMDR (Attachment Informed EMDR), Couples together EMDR (on each other); G-TEP (Group affected/impacted trauma EMDR), R-TEP (Recent Event EMDR) and The Advanced Flash Technique (to reduce emotional disturbance in less than 10 mins)  - for Trauma, Anxiety, Stress, Depression, pain, fears and many more conditions -  unprocessed issues from the past/decades or current.

Email: info@kairos-centre.com
www.kairos-centre.com
Tel 0786 609 7247

Social Media links
Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/thekairoscentre/
Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/KairosTherapy/
LinkedIn - https://www.linkedin.com/company/the-kairos-centre
Website – https://www.kairos-centre.com/
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@kairoscentre
COD - https://www.kairos-centre.com/changement-on-demand/

Defining the difference between Sex addiction & Love addiction:

Love addiction is all about trying to getting attention and a sense of feeling wanted, even if the attention is being paid for – since any attention is better than no attention. It has its roots in childhood development causing Insecure Attachment; a sense of rejection and loss – due to a disruption in the early years bonding with key parental figures.

So, there is a searching out, using such activities as dating sites, chat sites, web cam interaction and other methods of interacting with others, to give a temporary sense of being wanted; that may lead to a sense of feeling love and affection. You never fill that void for very long. You leak and keep searching to fill the leak. That might mean giving sex away to get the affection and sense of being wanted, but after the sex, may come rejection again and therefore repeat hurt for a season; eventually getting up and doing it again.

Why not interact with me about these Podcasts. I don't know if you are getting benefit or not. Motivate me to keep going. Go on. Text/WhatsApp +447866097247; Email: info@kairos-centre.com

Presented by The Kairos Centre:  bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

The Kairos Centre created what is probably the world's first comprehensive Online webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction video-on-demand Recovery Programme; where you discover the real, authentic you.

Bringing colour back to life - without shame.

Connect with me on Youtube: Gary McFarlane
https://www.kairos-centre.com/changement-on-demand/
Gary McFarlane  BA, LLM, Dip, Certs

Now launched - a Video-on-Demand Online Course (for Singles, Couples/Marrieds/Partners & long time marrieds)

Gary is a Relate trained and experienced Relationship counsellor, Mediator and undertakes Sex Therapy & Sex Addiction treatment all of which are undertaken by various online secure webcam such as zoom & Bilateralbase, with clients worldwide. Gary has been working Online for some 11 years and holds a certificate in Online Therapy. He is also a member of the National Counselling Society, the Association for the Treatment of Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity (ATSAC) and an Accredited member of the Assoc of Christian Counsellors and is a member of stopSO. He also practices EMDR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) as an Accredited EMDR Practitioner; AI-EMDR (Attachment Informed EMDR), Couples together EMDR (on each other); G-TEP (Group affected/impacted trauma EMDR), R-TEP (Recent Event EMDR) and The Advanced Flash Technique (to reduce emotional disturbance in less than 10 mins)  - for Trauma, Anxiety, Stress, Depression, pain, fears and many more conditions -  unprocessed issues from the past/decades or current.

Email: info@kairos-centre.com
www.kairos-centre.com
Tel 0786 609 7247

Social Media links
Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/thekairoscentre/
Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/KairosTherapy/
LinkedIn - https://www.linkedin.com/company/the-kairos-centre
Website – https://www.kairos-centre.com/
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@kairoscentre
COD - https://www.kairos-centre.com/changement-on-demand/

Enough now - of this science stuff! Ok then, then is the last one - for now.

Delayed childbearing and fewer pregnancies raise the risk of developing breast cancer in women. We are seeing 100% increase in the rates of breast cancer right now. Much more than in the past. Why?

A female who has her first child by age 20, has half the chance of developing breast cancer, as opposed to a woman who has her first child at around age 30. At the end of 2020, breast cancer became the number one cancer diagnosis - overtaking lung cancer.  Only 1% of those who contract breast cancer are males. 

Women with 10 or more lifetime sexual partners have a 91% higher risk of developing breast cancer. (Males also have a higher risk of contracting cancer if they have multiple sexual partners, but their higher risk is only half that of the women's figure of 91%). Research suggests that 78% of woman regret hook-ups. They are more depressed afterwards; have lower self-esteem and higher general distress. Many wanted to end the relationship. 

Hormonal birth control can make a woman attracted to a genetically unsuited man. Then coming off the hormonal birth control may affect her attraction towards that hook-up partner. She sees him through a different lens; more of a friend or close relative!

Very credible research has shown that hormonal birth controls have a 100% increased likelihood of increasing depression levels in females; particularly those aged 15 to 19. (The sample size was over 1 million Danish woman who had been followed up for over 15 years). That is a very big and very credible study.  Bring all those influences together -  increased depression, raised blood clots and cancer risks, hormonal birth control adversely impacting females sex drive - we see a problem out there at work and not even recognised.(All credit to Joe Malone PhD, CFE, LWMC, CPT, The Sexual Integrity Scientist, https://www.drjoemalone.com/, Author: Battles of the Sexes, Founder: Sex IQ, https://www.sexiq.org/)

Why not interact with me about these Podcasts. I don't know if you are getting benefit or not. Motivate me to keep going. Go on. Text/WhatsApp +447866097247; Email: info@kairos-centre.com

Presented by The Kairos Centre:  bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

The Kairos Centre created what is probably the world's first comprehensive Online webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction video-on-demand Recovery Programme; where you discover the real, authentic you.

Bringing colour back to life - without shame.

Gary McFarlane  BA, LLM, Dip, Certs

Now launched - a Video-on-Demand Online Course (for Singles, Couples/Marrieds/Partners & long time marrieds)

Email: info@kairos-centre.com
www.kairos-centre.com
Tel 0786 609 7247

Social Media links
Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/thekairoscentre/
Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/KairosTherapy/
LinkedIn - https://www.linkedin.com/company/the-kairos-centre
Website – https://www.kairos-centre.com/
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@kairoscentre
COD - https://www.kairos-centre.com/changement-on-demand/

Let's focus on women - in this Episode:
 
What females need to know about themselves: Early sexual arousal rate will influence later addiction to porn. Females are more vulnerable to succumbing to sex addiction where they experienced frequent sexual arousal at an early age.

Alcohol consumption raises both sexes testosterone levels up to a point; but testosterone levels increase much more in females, with alcohol consumption. Females can then do out of character behaviours and become a very different person when they have consumed alcohol.

If females are not on birth control or near their ovulatory window (eg day 8 to day 14) and they have consumed alcohol, they could have the same testosterone level as a male. Even if she is not consuming alcohol during that ovulating window, she will still have a much higher sex drive than other females, during that ovulatory window. 

So, be aware of the impact of consuming alcohol during that period! Behaviour (sexually) may be very different. That may include dressing more provocatively or more flirtatious; yet, at the same time, be less self-aware. Females are much more vulnerable. Not a great combination!

Female anatomy makes them more vulnerable to STIs. The vagina has a thinner layer of skin; is moister and warmer for harbouring bacterial growth and yeast infection. STIs are often asymptomatic. 

Females may then experience such conditions as pelvic inflammatory disease or endometriosis; which can eventually lead to infertility. 

On average, females have eight times higher HIV risk and four times higher Gonorrhoea risk. That risk significantly increases with anal sex. HIV risk goes up 17 times with anal sex.
 
If they begin their menstruation early, it increases their risk of uterine cancer. Early promiscuity leads to increased risk of vaginal and cervical cancer. Non-breast feeding increases the risk of developing ovarian and uterine cancer.

Therefore, we observe that sexual activity in younger years, affects sexual health. (All credit to Joe Malone PhD, CFE, LWMC, CPT, The Sexual Integrity Scientist, https://www.drjoemalone.com/, Author: Battles of the Sexes, Founder: Sex IQ, https://www.sexiq.org/)

Presented by The Kairos Centre:  bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

The Kairos Centre created what is probably the world's first comprehensive Online webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction video-on-demand Recovery Programme; where you discover the real, authentic you.

Bringing colour back to life - without shame.

Gary McFarlane  BA, LLM, Dip, Certs

Now launched - a Video-on-Demand Online Course (for Singles, Couples/Marrieds/Partners & long time marrieds)

Email: info@kairos-centre.com
www.kairos-centre.com
Tel 0786 609 7247

Social Media links
Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/thekairoscentre/
Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/KairosTherapy/
LinkedIn - https://www.linkedin.com/company/the-kairos-centre
Website – https://www.kairos-centre.com/
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@kairoscentre
COD - https://www.kairos-centre.com/changement-on-demand/

Got to admit, this science stuff is interesting - if it is true!

There are three areas in the male brain that is over twice the size of the female brain:

1) The area that contributes to men having a roving eye and scanning the terrain for females; 2) A part of the hypothalamus (which is the seat of human sexuality); 3) The amygdala (which is the brain’s command and control area).

All three react to testosterone - which is much higher in males than in females. There is a process which binds all these sex hormones together. Woman have 13 times more of that bonding hormone than men. That creates a high mismatch concerning sex drive processes between males and females. 

Males tend to over perceive a woman's sexual interest, when in fact she is just being nice. Males are more likely to interpret such signals/activities as sexual interest. Females tend to under perceive men's sexual interest. 

When males become aroused, they change (in an ethical way) as to (negative) things they would not usually do. When aroused, they do things that normally they would not do when unaroused. Males can be a wholly different person aroused to when unaroused.

The neurochemicals in a male's semen affects a woman psychologically, in a positive way. The endorphins, serotonin, prolactin and FSH are beneficial for bonding if the female is in a relationship where she wants to bond for long term partnership/marriage and maybe a later pregnancy. The problem is that this process is still at work in relationships that are transient - even when bonding is not a desire!(All credit to Joe Malone PhD, CFE, LWMC, CPT, The Sexual Integrity Scientist, https://www.drjoemalone.com/, Author: Battles of the Sexes, Founder: Sex IQ, https://www.sexiq.org/)

What does all this mean for you?

Presented by The Kairos Centre:  bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

The Kairos Centre created what is probably the world's first comprehensive Online webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction video-on-demand Recovery Programme; where you discover the real, authentic you.

Bringing colour back to life - without shame.

Gary McFarlane  BA, LLM, Dip, Certs
Gary (was formally a Solicitor for many years); is a Relate trained and experienced Relationship counsellor, Mediator and undertakes Sex Therapy & Sex Addiction treatment all of which are undertaken by various online modes including secure webcam, with clients from all parts of the country and abroad. 

Now launched - a comprehensive Video-on-Demand Online Course (for Singles Pre-Married prep, Partnerships, Couples, Marrieds, long, long time Marrieds/Partners)
Email: info@kairos-centre.com
www.kairos-centre.com
Tel 0786 609 7247

Social Media links
Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/thekairoscentre/
Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/KairosTherapy/
LinkedIn - https://www.linkedin.com/company/the-kairos-centre
Website – https://www.kairos-centre.com/
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@kairoscentre
COD - https://www.kairos-centre.com/changement-on-demand/

A lot of compact info in this episode. I think my post bag is going to be very full this week with comments about.......!

Remember, don't shoot the messenger.

Men see promiscuity in a female as a deal breaker when seeking a life-long partner. If a man sees a woman as hard to get for sex, he will instinctively feel that she will more likely be faithful in the long term for partnership/marriage. For males, sexual loyalty and sexual integrity is the most praised and sought after asset and quality in a woman when considering a long term partnership/marriage. 

This may seem  - not very “modern” - but when females are seeking a partner for potential life-long partnership, with whom to have children, she seeks out someone who is likely to be reliable; to be there when she is pregnant – during a vulnerable time in her life whilst carrying the baby; to ensure survival when her body is taking the toll of the pregnancy. (That cave man/ cave woman instinct can't be entirely re-shaped because of a 21st century preferred way of doing life).

Paternity certainty is vitally important to a male! A man wants to know that the baby she is carrying belongs to him. (Ultimately, only the woman will carry that knowledge). Men value women who can be trusted in that regards.

Therefore, early on in the relationship, men separate women into two categories:

1) Easy to get – sexually; or 2) Not easy.

The “Not easy” choices become possible long term partner potentials. The “easy sexually” are for hookup and not long term partner potentials.

A woman needs dopamine and oxytocin for bonding. It is interesting that after intercourse, a woman's evaluation of the man tends to go up. So, females will more frequently be bonding during the hook-up, but quite the contrary for males. In males, within 10 seconds of orgasm/ejaculation, his evaluation of her may be going down. There is a conflict between males and females during that hook-up situation. It is not a level playing field. Women's bonding is going up and men's bonding is going down. (All credit to
Joe Malone PhD, CFE, LWMC, CPT, The Sexual Integrity Scientist, https://www.drjoemalone.com/, Author: Battles of the Sexes, Founder: Sex IQ, https://www.sexiq.org/)

Presented by The Kairos Centre:  bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

The Kairos Centre created what is probably the world's first comprehensive Online webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction video-on-demand Recovery Programme; where you discover the real, authentic you.

Bringing colour back to life - without shame.

Gary McFarlane  BA, LLM, Dip, Certs

Now launched a comprehensive Video-on-Demand Online Course (for Singles Pre-Married prep, Partnerships, Couples, Marrieds, long, long time Marrieds/Partners)
Email: info@kairos-centre.com
www.kairos-centre.com
Tel 0786 609 7247

Social Media links
Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/thekairoscentre/
Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/KairosTherapy/
LinkedIn - https://www.linkedin.com/company/the-kairos-centre
Website – https://www.kairos-centre.com/
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@kairoscentre

In all your getting, get understanding. What you can better understand, you have then moved it from the unconscious into the conscious. From the unseen, into the seen. Now you get a chance to go after it and effect change. It can never be the same again, because you know what you are doing! Get it?

Remember, don't shoot the messenger.

Sitting comfortably? Braced? Here we go then:

Research in 2006 show that the younger the age that a females experiences arousal, the greater will be the number of casual sex partners she will have. She will have a higher promiscuity rate and an increased openness to more and all sexual things. Therefore, she is more likely to become caught up in porn addiction at a younger age than if the younger age exposure had not happened.

They will more likely go against their sexual nature more frequently. She increasingly goes against her natural sexual nature, because of the early arousal experience. Hence the reason why in the future there is likely to be an increase in the number of females addicted to pornography, than in the past or currently.

Men need Vasopressin (which is a bonding chemical) before sex. It is what causes the bonding with a female. Therefore, sex without courtship, limits the production of Vasopressin and therefore reduces bonding for males. (All credit to
Joe Malone PhD, CFE, LWMC, CPT, The Sexual Integrity Scientist, https://www.drjoemalone.com/, Author: Battles of the Sexes, Founder: Sex IQ, https://www.sexiq.org/)

Presented by The Kairos Centre:  bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

The Kairos Centre created what is probably the world's first comprehensive Online webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction video-on-demand Recovery Programme; where you discover the real, authentic you.

Bringing colour back to life - without shame.

Gary McFarlane  BA, LLM, Dip, Certs

Gary (was formally a Solicitor for many years); is a Relate trained and experienced Relationship counsellor, Mediator and undertakes Sex Therapy & Sex Addiction treatment all of which are undertaken by various online modes including webcam such as zoom, Bilateralbase, with clients from all parts of the country and abroad. 

Now launched a comprehensive Video-on-Demand Online Course (for Singles Pre-Married prep, Partnerships, Couples, Marrieds, long, long time Marrieds/Partners)
Email: info@kairos-centre.com
www.kairos-centre.com
Tel 0786 609 7247

Social Media links
Twitter - https://twitter.com/GaryMcFarlane
Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/thekairoscentre/
Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/KairosTherapy/
LinkedIn - https://www.linkedin.com/company/the-kairos-centre
Website – https://www.kairos-centre.com/
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@kairoscentre
Buzz sprout – https://thesexpornloveaddictionpodcast.buzzsprout.com/
Spotify - https://open.spotify.com/show/0AS1GAPFDBmGuL8hCSOJjl?si=abf628cbfc6d451e
COD - https://www.kairos-centre.com/changement-on-demand/
https://www.buzzsprout.com/1117412

Oh - yuk! Must we?

Well - not preaching to you, but knowing the science done by some very clever people, will help you. Remember what this thing called Therapy is about - certainly Therapy from The Kairos Centre; all about moving as much from the unconscious, into the conscious - then you get a chance to go after what you can now better see and understand - in order to effect change. Get it!

Here it go; and don't shoot the messenger please:

At puberty, males Androgen levels (such as Testosterone) explode. Particularly between aged 13 To 15. It is 10 to 30 times more. Females Androgen levels only double. So, after puberty it is more difficult to reason with a male than with a female. In otherwards it is better to try reasoning with the female than the male, as the female is likely to be more receptive because of her reduced levels of Androgens - such as Testosterone. Testosterone is a sex seeking hormone. Age 17 is the period of maximum testosterone. Therefore, around that age six times the number of males become addicted to porn than young females........(All credit to
Joe Malone PhD, CFE, LWMC, CPT, The Sexual Integrity Scientist, https://www.drjoemalone.com/, Author: Battles of the Sexes, Founder: Sex IQ, https://www.sexiq.org/)

Presented by The Kairos Centre:  bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

The Kairos Centre created what is probably the world's first comprehensive Online webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction video-on-demand Recovery Programme, where you discover the real, authentic you; get to like you and positioned to become the best that you can be and on the journey, Recover and gain Sobriety from Sex, Porn, Love Addiction -being used by many hundreds through the world.

Bringing colour back to life - without shame.

Gary McFarlane  BA, LLM, Dip, Certs

Gary (was formally a Solicitor for many years); is a Relate trained and experienced Relationship counsellor, Mediator and undertakes Sex Therapy & Sex Addiction treatment all of which are undertaken by various online modes including webcam such as zoom, Bilateralbase, with clients from all parts of the country and abroad. 

Now launched a comprehensive Video-on-Demand Online Course (for Singles Pre-Married prep, Partnerships, Couples, Marrieds, long, long time Marrieds/Partners)
Email: info@kairos-centre.com
www.kairos-centre.com
Tel 0786 609 7247

Social Media links
Twitter - https://twitter.com/GaryMcFarlane
Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/thekairoscentre/
Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/KairosTherapy/
LinkedIn - https://www.linkedin.com/company/the-kairos-centre
Website – https://www.kairos-centre.com/
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@kairoscentre
Buzz sprout – https://thesexpornloveaddictionpodcast.buzzsprout.com/
Spotify - https://open.spotify.com/show/0AS1GAPFDBmGuL8hCSOJjl?si=abf628cbfc6d451e
COD - https://www.kairos-centre.com/changement-on-demand/
https://www.buzzsprout.com/1117412

You need to keep your guards up. The stuff (which is now in your past), will keep trying to trip you up. You need to apply effort in order to maintain the hard earned and carved out gains; but gains there are; very tangible; very real.

You did it. Not a programme. You did it. I could lead the horse to water, but as a facilitator, I could not make it drink. (By the way, I wasn't calling you a horse)! When you drink; when you drank; you made incremental steps toward your best life, without sex, porn, love addiction.

Let's celebrate together. I am your greatest cheerleader.

No photos please, of me wearing my ra ra skirt running around the field cheering you on. That photo won't look good on Facebook. Save my blushes - please.

Have these podcasts been helpful to you or not? I have only ever had one feedback. (Let me look into the systems to get your regulate feedback), but for now, are you willing to take time out of your active day to send me a message with a thumbs up or down? Maybe say something else about the usefulness.

Text, WhatsApp, email or other; you choose, but do say something to me if I am to go on to a next new Series. Ta
Tel +44 7866097247
Email: info@kairos-centre.com

Presented by The Kairos Centre:  bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

Probably the world's first comprehensive Online webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction video-on-demand Recovery Programme, where you discover the real, authentic you; get to like you and positioned to become the best that you can be and on the journey, Recover and gain Sobriety from Sex, Porn, Love Addiction.

Bringing colour back to life - without shame.

Connect with me on Youtube: Gary McFarlane
https://www.kairos-centre.com/changement-on-demand/

https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre

Facebook: @Kairoscounseling

Twitter: @GaryMcFarlane

Linkedin: The Kairos Centre - Addiction Therapy

Website: kairos-centre.com

bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp
https://www.buzzsprout.com/1117412

One such tool - is your Support Structure of people that you can call upon when triggered and the going is tough on a particular day - to get you through that day. Who is in your Inner circle of three close support contacts?

Don't go it alone. Don't be an island; "Shame" loves that and rubs its hands with glee - "Got ya".

Talk to the three. Tell them your needs. Get agreement to be there for you day and (night!). You will reciprocate in the future. Test the friendship and use it.

Then set about carving out one or two others from your Middle circle (who know nothing about the addiction) that you are lining up to replenish the Inner circle of three;  in case one of the three can no longer fulfil that role. Fish and hunt for Middle circle friends from your existing social haunts, like the gym buddies, sports buddies, hobbies, clubs, church etc - places that you frequent on a weekly basis.

Be "purposeful & intentional" as you invest over time, to develop closer relationships with one or two middle circle acquaintances that eventually can be moved into the Inner circle. Got it?

The same then applies to the Outer circle infrequent acquaintances that you get ready to move into the Middle circle over time. Remember, no quick fixes; but it moves you out of the unhealthy associates that pull you back into the addiction. This is longer term work.

Want some help?

Presented by The Kairos Centre:  bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

Probably the world's first comprehensive Online webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction video-on-demand Recovery Programme, where you discover the real, authentic you; get to like you and positioned to become the best that you can be and on the journey, Recover and gain Sobriety from Sex, Porn, Love Addiction.

Bringing colour back to life - without shame.

Connect with me on Youtube: Gary McFarlane
https://www.kairos-centre.com/changement-on-demand/

https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre

Facebook: @Kairoscounseling

Twitter: @GaryMcFarlane

Linkedin: The Kairos Centre - Addiction Therapy

Website: kairos-centre.com

bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp
https://www.buzzsprout.com/1117412

When all else fails; when all the tools have not helped; when you're triggered and battling the near eleventh hour; when you are about to act out.

You know it; it seems inevitable; deja vu. You have been hear before; oh so many, many times. So annoying; so frustrating.

You know the morning after the night before, is coming; you know the self recrimination will follow; the guilt; the regret; the increased shame; the self loathing; the remorse is an understatement.

Yet, you are on a trajectory (with seemingly) no hope of pulling back. Learn to R.U.N.

Want to know more about R.U.N? Let The Kairos Centre come alongside your journey and help you to better understand and see Cognitive Distortions and their insidious role as a part of the Preparation stage, keeping the Cycle of Sex Addiction in tact..

Presented by The Kairos Centre:  bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

Probably the world's first comprehensive Online webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction video-on-demand Recovery Programme, where you discover the real, authentic you; get to like you and positioned to become the best that you can be and on the journey, Recover and gain Sobriety from Sex, Porn, Love Addiction.

Bringing colour back to life - without shame.

Connect with me on Youtube: Gary McFarlane
https://www.kairos-centre.com/changement-on-demand/

https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre

Facebook: @Kairoscounseling

Twitter: @GaryMcFarlane

Linkedin: The Kairos Centre - Addiction Therapy

Website: kairos-centre.com

bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp
https://www.buzzsprout.com/1117412

Know you, know self, know your brain. It is not always your bestest bestest bff. It often is working against what is good for you, at the behest of what it perceives as being right for you - in the moment. But not all your senses have been consulted beforehand.

It does not always tell you the whole truth and nothing but the whole truth. In fact, it can very brazenly sabotage what is good for you, in its assessment of what it believes it is doing to protect you from discomfort. 

It is "Preparation" to act out activities - coming out of your "Cognitive Distortions; your thinking distortions; your misguided thinking; your ulterior motivation thinking.

Remember that CYCLE OF SEX ADDICTION - viewed on a clock face - going clockwise -  as stages you go through, from: 

•ACTING OUT; to

•REGRET; to

•RECONSTITUTION; to

•DORMANT; to

•TRIGGER; to

•PREPARATION; back to ACTING OUT

Call it out. Name it. Shame it. Expose it. It isn't true. It isn't truth. It isn't the best for you.

Cognitive Distortions will keep on keeping on showing themselves. What are yours?

If you don't know what they are; if you don't spot them; can't spot them; don't change them - you are 10 minutes from acting out; from them biting you in the bum again and again and again and again and again and again and again.......

Get it?

Let The Kairos Centre come alongside your journey and help you to better understand and see Cognitive Distortions and their insidious role as a part of the Preparation stage, keeping the Cycle of Sex Addiction in tact..

Presented by The Kairos Centre:  bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

Probably the world's first comprehensive Online webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction video-on-demand Recovery Programme, where you discover the real, authentic you; get to like you and positioned to become the best that you can be and on the journey, Recover and gain Sobriety from Sex, Porn, Love Addiction.

Bringing colour back to life - without shame.

Connect with me on Youtube: Gary McFarlane
https://www.kairos-centre.com/changement-on-demand/

https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre

Facebook: @Kairoscounseling

Twitter: @GaryMcFarlane

Linkedin: The Kairos Centre - Addiction Therapy

Website: kairos-centre.com

bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp
https://www.buzzsprout.com/1117412

You have heard me repeatedly rabbit on with this mantra haven't you? What you do not understand, you have no hope of influencing; no hope of changing or even embark upon the change process - (and change is a process from A to Z).

Why? Because the stuff you don't understand, lives in the unconscious. It works away below the "Mission Impossible" infra red light and no loud alarm is triggering to bring it to your attention.

What you must, must, must, must do, is move the stuff from the unseen; from the un-understood; from the invisible; from the unconscious, into the conscious; therefore above the "Mission Impossible" infra red light, so the alarm is triggered.

Why? Because what you can now see; can now better understand; you get a chance now to affect; to influence; to change.

Problem! Change is a process. Just because you can see it; you can better understand it,  does not mean you can change it IMMEDIATELY. What you must recognise, however, is that change has begun; because you can now see the problem. It can never be the same again, even if it is not yet changed.

You have now embarked on the stages of change. Change has begun. Be patient and build consistently - one brick upon another - one at a time - consistently. Then you will reach your destiny - that of sobriety.

One such hiddenness is that of understanding your Negative Core Beliefs, which are fundamental drivers influencing and shaping how you are doing life; thus beckoning self soothing behaviours that cause you to turn to sex, porn, love addiction acting out activities. Get it?

Let The Kairos Centre come alongside your journey.

Presented by The Kairos Centre:  bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

Probably the world's first comprehensive Online webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction video-on-demand Recovery Programme, where you discover the real, authentic you; get to like you and positioned to become the best that you can be and on the journey, Recover and gain Sobriety from Sex, Porn, Love Addiction.

Bringing colour back to life - without shame.

Connect with me on Youtube: Gary McFarlane
https://www.kairos-centre.com/changement-on-demand/

https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre

Facebook: @Kairoscounseling

Twitter: @GaryMcFarlane

Linkedin: The Kairos Centre - Addiction Therapy

Website: kairos-centre.com

bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp
https://www.buzzsprout.com/1117412

We will say that Sex/Porn/Love Addiction is set up in one of three ways - Opportunity, Attachment issues and/or Trauma. Trauma is not necessarily limited to big events that happen in a war zone.

It is also the impact on a seven years old, whose Game Console is taken by a friend and when they knock on the friends door to get it back, a parent slams the door saying "It isn't yours; I bought it for my child". The child runs home crying, but there is not a parent who fights their corner.

Self-soothing from even low key trauma events and occurrences, can lead to compulsive self-soothing behaviours from a young age. Over time, the brain comes across and gravitates to more intense patterns of behaviours, such as Sex/Porn/Love compulsivity activities.

Treat and process trauma first, before embarking on a Recovery Programme or 12 steps group; otherwise the unresolved and unprocessed trauma will bite you in the bum again, at a later date when the perfect storm appears.

Let The Kairos Centre come alongside your journey.

Presented by The Kairos Centre:  bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

Probably the world's first comprehensive Online webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction Recovery Programme, where you discover the real, authentic you; get to like you and positioned to become the best that you can be and on the journey, Recover and gain Sobriety from Sex, Porn, Love Addiction.

Bringing colour back to life - without shame.

Connect with me on Youtube: Gary McFarlane
https://www.kairos-centre.com/changement-on-demand/

https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre

Facebook: @Kairoscounseling

Twitter: @GaryMcFarlane

Linkedin: The Kairos Centre - Addiction Therapy

Website: kairos-centre.com

bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp
https://www.buzzsprout.com/1117412

We can't change what we cannot see and do not understand. This is me doing life how I do life. What's the problem? There is no problem (to us), if there is no problem.

But the truth is, we know some things are not working right in life, but we don't understand why or what. Change has not and cannot even begin. 

When we gain greater insight and understanding, then change has become. We have moved the stuff from the unconscious into the consciousness. It can never be the same again. It is visible. We have used a highlighter pen to make it very visible. 

We now have choice. Some may choose to do nothing with the insight. The Change process is stalled and goes no further. Those who do something with the insight, move the change process along a continuum to the next level. 

Change has truly began. It is not complete and we are still some way away from where we want to be; but fact is, change is happening. It is a process. 

There is a Timeline to change. We are now firmly on the Timeline; the stages of change; the continuum. We will reach a place of transition. "I am still not where I want to be, but praise God, I am not where I use to be".

Let The Kairos Centre journey with you through the Change process to reclaim your life and be the best that you can be with this one time life that you get to live.

Presented by The Kairos Centre:  bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

Probably the world's first comprehensive Online webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction Recovery Programme, where you discover the real, authentic you; get to like you and positioned to become the best that you can be and on the journey, Recover and gain Sobriety from Sex, Porn, Love Addiction.

Bringing colour back to life - without shame.

Connect with me on Youtube: Gary McFarlane
https://www.kairos-centre.com/changement-on-demand/

https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre

Facebook: @Kairoscounseling

Twitter: @GaryMcFarlane

Linkedin: The Kairos Centre - Addiction Therapy

Website: kairos-centre.com

bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp
https://www.buzzsprout.com/1117412

Let The Kairos Centre come alongside your journey.

Presented by The Kairos Centre:  bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

Probably the world's first comprehensive Online webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction Recovery Programme, where you discover the real, authentic you; get to like you and positioned to become the best that you can be and on the journey, Recover and gain Sobriety from Sex, Porn, Love Addiction.

Bringing colour back to life - without shame.

Connect with me on Youtube: Gary McFarlane
https://www.kairos-centre.com/changement-on-demand/

https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre

Facebook: @Kairoscounseling

Twitter: @GaryMcFarlane

Linkedin: The Kairos Centre - Addiction Therapy

Website: kairos-centre.com

bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp
https://www.buzzsprout.com/1117412

Managing triggers is just one aspect of the recovery process. Not unique to sex/porn/love addiction; it manifests in many other trauma areas, such as childhood sexual abuse that keeps on keeping on being triggered in adulthood.

How did the triggers get set up. Childhood development holds the clues. EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation Reprocessing) may hold the keys.

Really? No way? Does it come with a guarantee - this EMDR stuff? What is it about? Go after the setting up of the addiction, rather than go straight to tools to  first stop the behaviours. Give EMDR a try. It works!

Described as "Rewiring your life: A radical therapy based on eye movements can desensitise painful memories, heal hurts and aid transformation at warp speed". Here is a link:
https://aeon.co/essays/how-emdr-helps-to-reprocess-traumatic-memories-at-warp-speed.

The Kairos Centre use EMDR regularly with numerous clients with great outcomes.

Presented by The Kairos Centre:  bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

Probably the world's first comprehensive Online webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction Recovery Programme, where you discover the real, authentic you; get to like you and positioned to become the best that you can be and on the journey, Recover and gain Sobriety from Sex, Porn, Love Addiction.

Bringing colour back to life - without shame.

Connect with me on Youtube: Gary McFarlane
https://www.kairos-centre.com/changement-on-demand/

https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre

Facebook: @Kairoscounseling

Twitter: @GaryMcFarlane

Linkedin: The Kairos Centre - Addiction Therapy

Website: kairos-centre.com

bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp
https://www.buzzsprout.com/1117412

Let The Kairos Centre come alongside your journey.

Presented by The Kairos Centre:  bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

Probably the world's first comprehensive Online webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction Recovery Programme, where you discover the real, authentic you; get to like you and positioned to become the best that you can be and on the journey, Recover and gain Sobriety from Sex, Porn, Love Addiction.

Bringing colour back to life - without shame.

Connect with me on Youtube: Gary McFarlane
https://www.kairos-centre.com/changement-on-demand/

https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre

Facebook: @Kairoscounseling

Twitter: @GaryMcFarlane

Linkedin: The Kairos Centre - Addiction Therapy

Website: kairos-centre.com

bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp
https://www.buzzsprout.com/1117412