Waves Of Clarity Podcast

This week, Tracy talks about how you can learn to not be be a nag bag. She shares 5 helpful tips that you can use to get your teen to do things just because they want to.

This is followed by another of Tracy's helpful and relaxing Hypnotherapy Meditations, specifically designed to help you with your relationship with your teenager. You can also download these and listen to them again.

Tracy can be contacted as follows:

Website: www.tracykimberg.com

Phone: 07928 154054

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/tracy.kimberg.therapy 

Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/tracy-kimberg-teenage-transformation-therapist-9564a3193/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/tracy_kimberg_teentherapist/

hello. My name is Tracy. Kimberg welcome to the waves of clarity. I am a teenage therapist and a relationship specialist. My passion, of course, is teenagers helping them find their super power so that they can use throughout their life as they grow into adulthood and become more aware of how they behavior influences they world.

I believe that relationships are built. From knowing exactly what your superpower is to that you can use that to help you overcome difficult situations and build better relationships. We all have a super power that we can tune into. And when we do this, we can do extraordinary things. We can help ourselves overcome, um, storms and tides of life.

We can help other people, we can improve relationships and we can reach goals and dreams that we have for ourselves. We can even change our own behavior when we tune into our own superpowers. Today, I'd like to talk to you about nagging as a parent. I'm sure. You've heard yourself say these phrases, clean your room, do your homework.

Have you done your chores? You can't go out until you've done this. Why haven't you done that? If you have a team you will know full and well, that this is a very, very tricky part of parenting journey. I speak from experience. As I currently have three daughters still living at home, the one is 16. The one is 21 and the one is 25.

And sometimes it feels like I am such an ag bag. Most parents of teens. No, they sound like a broken record and it's painful. So painful, not just for us to hear. But also for our teens, but no one appreciates nagging, believe it or not, there's a far better way. And I promise you, it works.

Okay. When we were growing up, our parents probably nagged us as well. And you might've even promised yourself when you were young, that you would never, ever sound anything. Like your parents and none of that nagging would ever come out of your mouth. But the reality is if you're a parent of a teenager, you've probably already used a variation of these words that I mentioned earlier.

And in despite of the very best intentions, you can't help yourself. But why is this? It's likely because at some point you were just too tired or too stressed. To figure it out and think about the alternatives that you could possibly use. It just seems more natural to tell your team to do things rather than giving them a gentle push.

They might need that you would have made them choose that action just because they wanted to. So the secret is to get your teenage motivated, motivated to do what you're asking to do. And I'm going to share you a few tips on how you can do this. So let's start with tip number one, start by being the voice of reason in the middle of the storm.

As you know, our teens get so stressed and easily overwhelmed. And when this happens, they just want to shut down and be left alone at worst. They likely to make serious, um, decisions leading to usually a bigger, a bit of a disaster.

Today. I'd like to share my five magic tips with you on how you can help yourself to stop nagging number one, and to help your teenager be motivated to do the things that you ask them without having to repeat yourself numerous times. So the first tip is start by being the voice of reason in the middle of the store.

When your teenager is stressed and overwhelmed at best they'll shut down, which is normal at worst, they're likely to make a series of decisions leading to a complete and utter disaster, but when they hit this panic, it all falls to you as the parents to calm the chaos. As you know, it always is our job to try and sort out their moods and calm them down.

But yes, it sometimes feels like that you all stuck in the middle of all this chaos. So we need to accept that parenting teens can be tough and even having this awareness, instead of fighting the reality of it can help us. Build our strength and resilience because it prevents us from jumping to the conclusion that maybe we are bad at parenting.

And then we have all these thoughts going through our heads, telling us I'm a terrible parent. Why can't I do it? Right? The truth is that raising teenagers can be really, really tough. So let your team know in a calm way, what your expectations are of them and how you can help them rather than jumping into a rapid fire set of instructions.

Once they are calm. In a response, obviously to your calmness, they will better able to make their own decisions and probably wiser decisions. My second tip is to give your team clarity so they can see themselves for who they truly are. Oh,

It's no secret that teams typically have a pretty skewed vision of themselves. And, and they don't often see the things that their parents do. They're also inclined to think that they're always right and you wrong. They also think that they can do whatever they like. They sometimes think they deserve things and privileges that they haven't really earned yet.

But the bottom line is that they are still learning and growing in life, they are still trying to figure out their own values. So learn to ask the right questions that guide your team and helps your team to start seeing their strengths and their talents. And the only way they can do that is if you point them out.

So prod these good qualities into the spotlight and then show them how they can use these skills to solve the problem at hand. If you remind your teenager how much you see their good qualities and strengths and how they li you believe, sorry that they can actually overcome whatever it is they're going through and whatever task is they have at hand that you believe that they can do it and do it well, they will start believing it too.

The third step is become the researcher and the guidance counselor. All rolled up into one, rather than giving your team a dozen options, show them where to find them. That is part of how they learn to become more independent in life by learning to do things themselves, make their own choices, instead of depending on others to save them or others, to help them choose.

Talk to them about their goals and then discuss ways to find that information, encourage them, encourage them to, um, face the reality of the pros and the cons. And in coach him to talk to mentors and counselors at school, or even family members that they look up to and guide them to the pathway of discovery.

So the fourth magic tip I have to share with you today is become your child's brainstorming, buddy. I love doing this with my children, where we set and we share ideas and options. And a lot of the time I'll be honest with you. Their ideas and options are a lot more creative than mine. So when your tin gets stuck, Which of course we all do.

And of course they will do at some point feel stuck instead of jumping into tell them what to do, just be quiet and ask them, take the time to have a proper talk and ask them what they think the alternative choice would be or what would happen if they did an opposite thing. They may not initially see the value of this conversation and might feel a bit frustrated because you're not giving them the answer.

But knowing that. You are willing to talk and guide them. And then you have someone to talk to, um, as a teenager that you can really go to your parents and talk and figure it out together is so important. They need to know. They can throw out ideas without being worried that they're going to be told that it's stupid idea or no, that will never work.

Just talk about the idea, play with the different options with them and don't um, um, because if we don't do this, they will feel that they have to censor themselves until they can find the right onset in inverted commerce. There is no right onset. We are all just figuring it out together.

And this brings us to the last tip number five, which is become a cheerleader. I love being my children's cheerleader. It's such a fun job. You know what it feels like when someone tells you that you've done something well, that you're really good at something. How does it make you feel? It makes you feel pretty good, right?

It only makes sense that we as parents need to praise the efforts of our teams and celebrate their successes. It feels so much better then hassling your team for the slightest thing they've left undone or for the failures that they've met along the way. Ask yourself now, really ask yourself. Think about this question.

Do I shine a spotlight on my team's successes or only on their shortcomings? And think about the answer and I'll share a big secret with you today. The magic key to stop or minimize nagging is for us as parents to make a conscious decision to do so. You get to decide you as the parent, you are the parent and you get to choose which approach you take with your teenager.

If something isn't working, you can change it. Look for the alternative way that works. Look. For what works with your child?

I hope you enjoyed this episode. And please, of course, if you did enjoy it, I encourage you to share it, share it with someone, you know, a parent that's maybe having a frustrated time with their children and feels like they are turning into a real old nag bag, share this post. And hopefully someone will find value.

Don't forget that after this episode, I'm going to do another free hypnotherapy download for you. Very exciting. And this hypnotherapy download is going to help you just find peace and calmness within yourself and just recenter into the choices that you make and how you can consciously make choices that will work better for you in your relationship with your child.

Thank you for listening everyone. And of course, if you need to get in touch, then you know where to find me on my social media, just DM me and set up a meeting. I do a free discovery call for you, where we can discuss and see what it is you need help with. And if I am the right person to help you with it.

Have a lovely week and enjoy the meditation.

Welcome to the meditation and hope you are very comfortable and ready to enjoy this meditation, which is going to help you calm and relax yourself so that you. In effect, we'll be able to have clarity on the choices you make without going into a normal autopilot mode of nagging or doing something that you will later.

Great. So. Find yourself, a comfortable position, sit back and relax, listen to the music and listen to my voice. And as you said, very comfortably or lie down, just breathe normally

and notice the movement of your eyes. As you breathe

and you can close your eyes all the way down. Alrighty. Beginning to relax both body and mind.

Relax, your forehead smoothing out, uh,

relaxing the tiny muscles around them

cheeks.

And Slack

allow your tongue to just lie in your mouth.

Just the muscles in your tongue. Relaxing,

move down, down your neck. And notice how you send a wave of relaxation down your neck, into your shoulders.

And repeat after me, I am safe. I am calm and I choose to be here.

Okay. And I am safe. I am calm. I choose to be here

now. Focus on your arms. All the way down to your fingertips, releasing all the stress and tension. As we often hold stress and tension in our hands and in our shoulders,

focus on your chest and your abdomen as you breathe. I want you to take three. Slow deep breath,

counting four counts on your inhalation

and four slow counts as your exhale.

That's good. And do that again.

And a piece of Ken after me, I'm safe, I'm calm. And I choose to be here

and twice I'm safe.

And I choose to be here. And again, I am safe. I am calm. I choose to be

now allow yourself to in your unconscious mind. Just scan over your whole body and as you're too, so to techs and hidden stresses, any hidden tension that you're holding in your body and just breathe into it, allowing it to release.

And I'd like you to think of someone who you consider as a very wise person, someone you would ask advice from, it might be someone from your past. It might be someone, you know, today. Might be someone in history. And when you have a face in your imagination, I'd like you to just hold a day.

As we walk into a beautiful green field and in the corner of the field, you notice a bench. In the far corner and the field is on the top of a beautiful Hill, overlooking the ocean. It's very peaceful. It's a lovely sunny day and you feel really calm. As you walk over to this bench and you sit down and you enjoy the view, feeling really relaxed, and then you look up and you notice a figure walking towards you.

And it's that person, that person that you saw in your imagination and they're walking right towards you. And they have a big smile on your face. On their face and on your face, you both have a smile as if you've known each other your whole life

and they come and sit next to you and they say they have an amazing, extraordinary gift for you.

And you look in their holding a beautiful box. And they say that this is a gift for you. And you ask what's in the box

and they say, it's the gift of understanding and patience

and you take the box and you open it up and as you open it up,

you notice.

Starting to float all around you.

And as you breathe, your whole body absorbs the slides. As you breathe in this amazing gift that this person is giving you.

This gift is going to help you to have understanding. And patience

as you keep breathing in this beautiful space of the bench and this person you admire and the view, and you're holding the box,

this gift.

And you feel it becoming one with yourselves, going into your mind, going even into your mouth, you feel it in your tongue, even feel it going into your thoughts,

this wisdom and understanding.

And you can feel the transformation happening within you. That's happening as you take another deep breath.

Incredible energy.

And you sit there with this person. And they give you three secrets that you need to hear

and you hear them telling you three secrets and I'm going to allow you to listen. Very tentatively. Yes. Your special guest shares, three special secrets with you. Three secrets that are going to help you have more patience and understanding

And then your special guest stands up.

And walks back down the path as they came back slowly over the field to where you are now. Back into the chair on your bed

and you feel really blessed and really conscious of this incredible gift that you have within you now of patients.

Sit with that feeling become aware of it. Feel the gratitude you have because you have this within you

just repeat after me. I have patience.

I have patience. And understanding.

And again, I have patience and understanding

and when you're ready,

you can open your eyes.

Nina Aouilk is an inspirational speaker and talks to Tracy about being resilient and the ability to overcome anything, whilst spreading kindness and making a difference.

Nina's website is www.ninaaouilk.com

Tracy can be contacted as follows:

Website: www.tracykimberg.com

Phone: 07928 154054

Facebook: www.facebook.com/Tracy.Kimberg.Counselling.Therapy.Coaching/

Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/tracy-kimberg-9564a3193/

Instagram: www.instagram.com/tracy_kimberg_hypnotherapist/

Hello. My name is Tracy Kimberg. I'm a teenage therapist and a relationship coach. My life has. Often had waves and tides and storms and difficult uphills and fast downhills. Like everybody else's life. No one's life is perfect, but we all have the ability to overcome these times. And some of us have the ability to turn it into something extraordinary.

And this is exactly what my guest has done. Her name is Nina Aouilk . Nina is an author. About to release a book. She is a motivational speaker and she is a humanitarian. She is very, very inspiring. And I invite you to sit back and listen to what she has to say, listen to what she has to share and just take it in.

And why you doing that? Understand that you have it in you as well to overcome anything life throws at you. If you find the support you need, if you find what you have inside you. Dig deep, get in there inside yourself, and you will find the strength to overcome anything. In this episode, we are going to touch on some sensitive subjects, sensitive subjects that might, you might find upsetting.

If anything that we discussed in this episode resonates with you, or is your situation that I do invite you to get in touch, speak up, don't hide the truth from yourself and from other people it's always better to be open and honest and find the help that you need, because you can turn your life around.

And if you're a parent and you have a situation where your child. Is perhaps being bullied or not doing too well mentally, then please get in touch. I would love to have a discussion with you and help you and your child find a solution and turn the situation around to something that is more positive and a happier solution.

So let me introduce Nina elk. Nina. Thank you for being my guest. Oh my goodness. This is such. An exciting day for me to have you as a guest, I've heard your story before, and I think this is a story that needs to be repeated and change their lives. Just like it's changed mine. Thank you so much for agreeing to be my guest today on the waves of clarity.

So, um, tell us a little bit about your story and what's brought you to be such, um, passionate advocate for this whole story. Yeah, I think the word passionate is an understatement is it's overwhelming. I can't describe it to anybody I've tried, but it's very, very difficult when you. Go through something you just want to help somebody else go through, um, what you want to stop them going through if you can.

But if they are going through, you want to help them in any way that you possibly can. I can only imagine that as a parent, you want to help with the parents that might have felt the way you were feeling. Um, so I'm sure that you know where I'm coming from, which place I'm coming from. And it does, it overwhelms you to a point where it's almost like somebody saying, Hey, Hey.

Come on Nina, do something you can't sit back and be part of the problem you need to be. Part of the solution for me, bullying starts the day I was born and it was agenda discrimination because of my culture. Girls, uh, killed it, but just because that born girls, and I've said a few times that there often now, because of the way the medical facilities are in comparison to when I was born, they're aborted.

So once they find out it's a girl, they were bought at that birth. So these children don't even make it into the world. The ones that do make into the weld or either. Left in place as an India, they leave them under trucks and the hope that they get run over. And I'm talking about newborn babies straight from the room, or they're left to the devices on the sites as a way to whoever finds them and they end up in sex trafficking.

Well, they just end up being sold for parts, body parts, and it's horrendous how, um, and that the past, and could do that to such a small bundle of joy and. For me, it was very difficult. Um, part of my life, I mean, my life's been pretty difficult throughout, but I wouldn't change these things because it's given me such valuable life experiences and emotional intelligence that now I can go out and help somebody else that needs me.

And I'm not doing it for me. I'm not doing it from an egotistical point of view. I'm not doing it from trying to be on social media point of view. I'm doing it because I'm very much needed. My voice is the voice for those people. Who have the half that not only their voice broken, but their spirit broken.

And I was once that child sitting, sharing death on an everyday basis. And that's the new way to live. Um, I think a lot of us that are in this type of business where we try and help other people, we try and be what we never had when we had went through things. Um, and that's one of the reasons why I do what I'm doing.

You know, I'm wanting to help people, you know, just understand their kids better and obviously have better relationships. And you mentioned emotional intelligence, which. You know, I think a lot of parents don't have, they are very involved in their own issues that they haven't resolved. And this spills over in the way they parents that they've got the patterns that they have never actually realized they have.

Yeah, it's programming. But the thing is you can go and study emotional intelligence. You can take a lot of time taking a course with. A mentor that's well known. You know, you can take a course on there's lot of people doing life coaching, but if you don't have the personality, if you don't have the life experience yourself, I'm really sorry I'm saying this, but I just don't think you're the right person for the job, because if you haven't lived through those experiences, you.

I have no idea what somebody else feels. And I'm not saying I know how someone else feels, because that would be hypocritical because I don't know how you feel because we all have different perceptions. But I have a fair idea of how someone may feel, whereas a textbook or a course is never going to teach you that, that.

That whole having walked in someone's shoes, as they, as they call it. You're unable to know that from reading a textbook or going on a course, it's just impossible. So for that reason, I think people that are doing these jobs that have lived through it, or have experienced something similar or the best kinds of people, because they know that pain that hurt that, that trauma that another person might be going through.

That's so true. That's so true. Um, what do you think? Um, all some of the major, um, difficulties that the teenagers nowadays, um, I mean, it's not even going to COVID as one of them, but that is the reality that they facing. What do you think are some of the issues that teenagers are facing their parents? Don grainy realize, well, you see, I did this.

Um, with mental health, my son was crying out to me and I wasn't listening. I was, I just got a place to live in because we were homeless this for a little while. And all I could think about is I need to buy a bed. He need to buy a suit. I need to buy what can, how can I earn the money to get this? These things that I need not looking at what he needed.

He was constantly crying out for help. And the signs are all there, but I wasn't listening to listen. I wasn't hearing anything. I was busy trying to do what I felt I had to do for him. Whereas all he wanted was for me to say, I could see something's not right with you. Let's sit and talk about it and not for me to talk.

It was a voice I needed to listen to the same voice. I'm saying that people are not hearing. I did the same thing in a different situation, and I can't go backwards, but maybe I can help somebody else recognize the signs that there's a lot of pressure that goes on. And if you, if you have gone through trauma, if you've been in a relationship with someone who's narcissistic or you've been through domestic violence, you think you're the only one affected, but you're completely wrong.

The children have watched and they learn and you see I've written a book and in there I've also described the children and start when you've had an argument about, Hey John, why didn't you empty the dishwasher? I'm really annoyed with it. All they see is hand movements and raised voices. They never see.

How you make up afterwards. Now, if you know, if I was John and I say, well, come on or I'm sorry to all in, you know, makeup, I'll make sure I try and make a conscious effort. You hug, kiss, makeup, the children, see the making up as well. They don't see that. They just see the argument. And when you're a young child, you can't differentiate between a huge argument or a small argument.

Young children say, or we diet is a typical statement because they have no concept of time. And with that, they'd have no concept of. Emotion to a point where they can understand that it's just a small disagreement. It's not a huge disagreement. They can't differentiate. And that creates panic in them, which then creates anxiety because they don't know what's happening.

So I do, I would say to parents just on a different tangent, what you're talking about, but please be mindful how you say things to a child. The words you use is so important in my book again, I've mentioned that often parents will say to a child. You need to do your homework and the children will say why, and they're not asking from an argumentative.

Sometimes they are, but not at the time. They're not, it's just a child's question. Especially under the age of seven. They're not paying hockey mentors. If they're being curious and wanted to know why. And a lot of the parents will say, because I told you too, I mean, that, that equates to nothing. Hey, Tracy, let's do this.

Cause I told you too, you wouldn't like it at this age. So why would a child, if you explain to them, If you can do this now, and then you can go out and play, or if you do this, now we can sit and watch a movie together. You know, if you give them an understanding that they need to do it, but also give them a reward.

There's just such a big difference that you'll see in the raising of their children. Exactly, exactly. Um, how do you think, um, A parent for parents that have dealt with bullying at school with children, you know, bullying is a serious problem. I find, and there's not enough done about bullying in schools. I think, um, the teachers themselves are often their hands are cut off.

They, they don't have that. Um, I wouldn't say the power, but they can't do anything really. Um, and it's almost like the child that is being bullied and the child that's bullied is there's no consequence. Um, what do you, how do you think parents should handle bullying? Yeah. So safeguarding is a huge thing for me.

One of the things I say when I go into any social media portal is if you see something and you don't do anything, then you are part of the problem, not the solution that you're, you're as bad as, um, the same person that's maybe punching into the person you are, that extended hand. And that's quite a strong statement, but it's completely how I feel.

The reason I say that is my mother watched my father and brother beat me. Maybe she couldn't have done anything because they were huge people, you know, they're massive guys, but she could have made a discreet phone call or she could have maybe got somebody else, a third party to help me the day after I needed medical assistance.

I didn't get it. Now, if you're a parent and your child is being bullied at school, your first point of call is the school. Um, attempted as you maybe speak to the parent. A lot of the time the child has learned that behavior from a parent because let's let's face it well, so they go into. Learn from the thing about bullying is that it's very detrimental to a child's mental and physical state of mind and health that really does affect them.

It can trigger such stress that it can trigger auto immune diseases and all sorts of. As they say, stress is a killer. If your child I'm Simon says, so-and-so's not playing with me or so-and-so is not doing this, please don't ignore it because we have a habit of thinking, Oh, it'll be fine. Because when they're not in your care, you feel that in the calf, somebody else, but your care never stops.

Your care is 24 seven, three 65 days in a year. It never stops. So please don't think somebody else is going to deal with the problem. And I would say that the schools I've had this myself, because one of my sons, when he was younger, had a huge Afro and we were in a white, predominantly, um, area that we lived in, which was fine because he wasn't really bullied about his race.

He was bullied about his hair and children would pick on the stupidest of things. They will pick on you. Whether you've got glasses, you're too pretty. You're too tall. You're too short. There's no winning. And it's part of enjoy as part of social, um, skills that they're learning. And I have been saying to schools.

Practice more social skills that bring in this thing where you're teaching one another to be kind to one another, but you need to stop being kind to your child when your child's asking for help, help them. The things I would do if aren't my child who has been bullied and they have been as I first able to start with the child, they need love.

They need attention. They need to be heard. They need for their feedings not to be rubbished, which a lot of parents do. Like I keep saying, we never know how another person feels. We can't put ourselves in that person's shoes because we are not that person Tracy might feel differently. With a glass of wine too, or, you know, I might feel, I don't like wine.

You might say wonderful glass of wine. We're all very different. It's the same object, but it's very seen very differently between us. So Deborah, tell your child how they feel to never make assumptions. Try to ask questions. You know, how are you feeling? What can I do to help you ask them? If a child says they've got to move school?

I don't believe in that unless it's a very severe state, because again, you're teaching them part of a life, um, tool that they need to face things, and they need to understand how to deal with them. But it's not very easy when your child is being bullied. Like you said they're doing nothing. So the next port of call would be the school.

And I would be very strategic in how you're dealing with the school. I would start with a written. Um, format because you want a paper trail. Often you have to go to the board of directors, but schools that are state schools are so protected by this bubble. That there's not a lot you can do to them either.

So it is a bit of a battle, but the louder you get, the more people will hear you. So go onto social media, go onto forums and say, I've had a problem at school. Go to the County council. I don't know what it's like in your area, but where I live. There would be a counter council. So the government have an area, an educational department for this area.

I would write to them so that the school starts to take you seriously, because well, they say the school can't do anything. They can, they can move the child into a different class and not your child. Why should your child have to be moved? They're not the problem. And often schools know there's a child, that's a problem, but it's easier for them not to deal with it because it means.

That parents will come in to child. The problem child, parents will come in and cause aggravation for the school. And everybody wants to simple life, but not, no, that's not. Okay. Not, not at the cost of another child's welfare. Hmm. Um, what do you think? Um, that's so true. I mean, it's, it's so true. I wish I'd known and dealt with the bullying that I experienced with my children.

Definitely. I. Um, in my situation, I went to the school and got no response and then ended up going to the police because my daughter was assaulted. Um, you know, you, and then the police got involved with the school and subsequently that got sorted out because of the pressure there. But, you know, I, I just want, if a parent is listening and they're dealing with a don't stop until something's done too.

Um, thing that you have in your life. And, you know, like you said earlier, Nina affects the children's mental health for the rest of their life. If they don't get help. So that's important when your child has dealt with something like bullying or, um, any type of abuse is to get them the help that they deserve and need to be able to deal with it and not carry it with them for the rest of their lives.

Yeah. When you mentioned, um, narcissistic, um, parents, you know, it seems like this is a very popular word at the moment. You hear a lot about narcissism and it's a reality, you know, um, I've had my own experience with it myself. Um, but. How does this affect the children? What do people need to really get about this being, um, when a child is exposed to a narcissistic parent, how does it affect them?

Well, hugely, you know, my son has an autoimmune disease now because of the stress and I can't reverse that. So from my heart, I would say to the look at what's going on around you, the problem you have is when you're in a relationship with a narcissistic person, you're so engrossed and you believe everything, they tell you that you aren't able to see clarity in a, my, my.

Former partner. He even set my pillow on fire as I was sleeping and I still thought it was okay to lift there. Now I look at myself and I see how ridiculous that you thought it was acceptable that you sought your pen on fire. There was any time you could have said the children's depend on. So I do question sometimes my own sanity, but when you are told something is blue and it's white.

If I say this wall is black and I keep saying it over and over again, you will believe it. At some point, you'll say. I thought it was white, but maybe I could see a better black in there. You know, you start to question your mind and they're very manipulated. A lot of narcissistic people have had traumas which have been resolved and they pass that trauma on to the next person is the lack of control, the lack of being accepted at school themselves, or the lack of being of importance.

So they use that to put that pressure. It's almost like they're described as a bouncing Betty. I don't know if you know that is, but in ball they are bouncing back to the pitcher. Literally like a bouncing grenade. And when they're grenade bounces, it breaks into shrapnels millions of pieces that literally cut into the people around them.

And that is what narcissistic people are. Like, they will bounce, bounce, bounce, and then they explode. And then you get these shrapnels that are embedded in you and you can't get them out, but they are affecting you because they're almost destroying you from the inside out. If you recognize that bad behavior is around you, whoever you are, then you must.

Respect yourself and understand that you are an important person, that you need to do something about it. It takes you to be brave, but the only way there'll be a change is if you make a choice to make the change. And I keep saying this as well, that everybody has their day, one day, your day will come, but it won't come unless you take that small first step and everybody deserves.

Freedom from narcissistic parents. If you were raised with a narcissistic parent, understand how it affected you first before. If you say I will sound just like my mother question, whether you want to sound like your mother or father question. If what you're saying is essential, and I would say to parents, try to understand your children more.

There are many versions of you. You brought them into this world, give them the time and understand, well, why is. At my daughter's school slash the, the last saying this, where is she coming from? If you don't know, don't assume. And, and this is with older children, my daughter's 27. I've got older children, but don't assume ask them.

And like I said, if they say something max to them, then listen, because it matters to them. And. What difference does it make, if you can make a change for them? I'm not saying you don't have boundaries because boundaries are important for children even at an older age, but don't make the boundaries so high that they don't want to come on the other side of the fence and spend time with you because that's what will happen.

You will alienate them. And that's not something that you want to do. Yes. I think it's very, very important. What you just said there about the listening, you know, um, I think a lot of. Parents, um, that they can actually listen and learn from their own children. You know, children are so intelligent and they know a lot more about a lot of things than we do.

Just willing to sit and listen in a normal discussion. You can learn so much from your own children. The monitor. You want that relationship? Why wouldn't you want that? People say we too frenzy. I'm not really friendly because I can also turn on mummy face, but I don't. I want to live in relationship with supportive relationship is he, I've never had it.

So I want to give it. I never had that relationship with my parents. So I want to give it some people go the opposite way and they do exactly what they've learned, which is called lab behaviors. I'm sure you know, and that programming, but why not break the cycle? Why not become somebody that actually.

Creates a whole new revelation within your family lifeline and the generations that follow will become more understanding kind of people. And this is something else I said in the end of the day in the rooms, was it a walk? Could you have, if you could have anything. And I said, I'd love to start a snowball effect where my act of kindness today.

In generations to come. Maybe even if I'm not in this world will affect a larger audience. Maybe me being kind to somebody will allow them to be kind to another person because they felt good. They were only in a did this one we shouldn't have to, and I felt good and they'll make somebody else feel good.

And that person to make somebody else go go 10, 20, 30 years down the line. That's still going. That snowball effect is still going. And I would love that. I would love for people just to stop being kind to one another.

Why do you think it is Nina? That so many of us as parents act out of ego. When it comes to our kids, I think we feel sometimes that we're not respected. And often if you go on online or you speak to a friend or family member, they say, well, that's stupid. Ridiculous. You know, if he said that to you, that's I wouldn't put up with anything.

Maybe I'm not doing the right thing. And you question yourself, never question yourself, because nobody else is the child's parent. Other than you, if you're in a loving relationship, And you have a husband or a partner or a boyfriend who had read isn't this, the father of your child, even if it's not the father of your shot.

Now families, the family, um, has changed so much that we have a totally different kind of family unit. What we would have had, and children are accepting. And so we have to be too. Um, and whoever you're with, if they say to you, I agree because they're with you 24 seven, and they're with the child, they know the child, but to go out to another source who doesn't know the child and compare is where the ego starts to step in because Sarah, the road, her two daughters are happy and they're studying at university and they've got.

Boyfriend is, but you don't know what is actually happening behind closed doors. My life looks perfect from the outside, but I have my own problems. I have my own issues. I'm trying to get resolved behind closed doors, not personally, but I have things that I'm trying to resolve. Everybody does. That's called life.

I made a comparison and as I keep saying, we brought these children into the world. So it's all right, is our. Do you T to give them the integrity to teach them the values, teach them how to be happy, because if you're not taught how to be happy, then from a young age, you don't really know how to find it.

When you get older, no matter how much you try to be happy, you struggle because it's not something that you're used to. For me, it was love. I was never loved. And anytime anybody did try to give me a tiny ounce of love. I didn't know what to do that, but the love I found was through my children that unconditional love.

And then two years ago, I found myself love. And, and this is another thing for parents I'd like to, but if you don't mind me saying now society, um, precious young men and women, young girls and boys to look a certain way. Because they want us to look all the same because that's described as beautiful to have that shiny hair.

I tuck the bright white teeth, but in reality, we're individual and unique for a reason. We all are born differently. We're not born in a, an a M. Stop. We're not born in dozens. You know, we're born. I mean, you might get twins, but even then, or in DentiCal a lot of the time. So my point being is hard enough for the children, having this pressure, thinking they need to look a certain way.

Don't add it. Cause I know a lot of parents that say, Oh, you need to do your hair like this. Oh, you shouldn't be don't dress like this or dress, stop trying to make them fit into a box that you think is the right box. Allow them to be free and express themselves as part of them. Learning who they are as a pastor, then nothing themselves.

Yes. Especially, uh, you know, I deal with a lot of teenagers, um, and it's such an important time of their life, where they do want to be independent. They do want to discover what their values are. And I think. As parents, we need to really hold ourselves in check and say, look, even if I know what my values are, that my values are not going to be my child's values.

Um, they might be similar, but they're not going to be exactly the same as you allow your child to experience life and the values so that they can be, um, stable adults, so to speak because. I was talking in one of my other interviews the other day about Aziz midlife crisis is that we all have, um, we all hear about it.

It's I think it's a lot to do with the way we were parented as yes. And if we can make our children really discover themselves, you know, and. Properly as teenagers as young children, they won't be any of this. As I was saying, you can break, break that generational curse of programming, but it takes one person to think to step back and actually say to themselves, look, maybe I'm too harsh.

Maybe I didn't need to do that. Ashby. I'm going to change and it starts to change, starts with you as the saying goes. So unless you're prepared to change does, and there's no perfect parent. There's no perfect child. There's no perfect person we're in perfectly perfect to, they always say so. Instead of trying to live your life through your children, which a lot of parents do, they tell them what to study.

They tell them what to wear. Allow them to be them and enjoy them. You know, your children are there to enjoy and, and watch them. And you know, a lot of parents where they're vulnerable go to the mottos, how does salt link tree out? Can you do it for me? You know, she's never turned around and said, do it yourself.

Once we do that for children sometimes quite harshly, they're quite happy to give you a handle. To guide you in the right direction. So it's a give and take and you'll gain that respect when they're older. If you give them respect, as they're growing up, if you're constantly talking at them, not with them, then they will do the same to you.

When you're older, they will talk at you and to you, not with the that's so beautiful. Thank you. Thank you. I mean, and that's amazing. Um, I'd like you to tell me a bit about your book, please. I'd love to hear more. Okay. I've got the draft. So it's got this line across it. So I'm reading through it, but it's called master your life.

I'm super proud. Let's cover a section. It's got a section on money, health family, which is a big one. As we're talking about that, I've got self-love in there. Um, and I've got coping with COVID, which is it extra section. There's a few of this stuff thrown in, but it's the book you see? When I was writing a book, um, as working with my publisher and they were trying to install, I could try to button.

I want you to write about my life. I didn't want to try to budget it straight away and there's send me things I can talk about because I've. Run a few businesses myself. And I've also worked in a large corporation only for a short time, but I've worked in large corporations. I understand other things changed that much in the work industry.

And so I wrote about the money section, because again, it starts with you and your mindset. And what you can actually with practical things, people say to me, what can I do about this? So there's questions I'll put in the book. Um, family, again, my own experiences with family and my own experiences and my children.

And also I am a life coach. I, didn't not that one in, and the questions I get asked commonly, or how can I have a better relationship with my children is a big one. I feel I've failed my children. I feel listened to me, you know, all those sorts of things, but also. I my mom's, it can, I don't want to speak to her.

So I get it from the other side too. Maybe when they're a little bit older. So those things are all in there. And I do say sometimes if someone is toxic, you have to love them for fights. I mean, you don't love them. Um, I've gotten there about divorcing your children because often when your children get to university stage or college is the American school.

And mothers often feel redundant because every day they've had to think about what. Celeste is going to be at what reason, what children's names, where Roger needs to get to, because he's got a club after school and your life doesn't meet it. You know, you have to almost find your own own music. You have to find out what your favorite food is.

Cause you've always accommodated the family. You have to find out what your favorite pastime is. And instead of. Being scared of this or being pushing it away, treat it as an exciting time. Um, and I say, default, the children, it sounds harsh, but I think something harsh needs to be done in that time for you to keep your sanity and discover your new part of your life, and also to allow them to grow when they go away and not keep trying to find out what they're doing, where they are, as long as you know, they're safe and they're well, and you're checking in with them every couple of days, that's all you need.

Even a text a day is fine. But not to overwhelm that you're stopping them to grow. So I've got that on there. I've got about self-love because as I said, two years ago, I found me the real me. I stopped listening to the voices that I'd had for. 50 years of people telling me what I was and what it wasn't.

And I realized that who you are inside is far more important than what you look like on the outside. People put pressure on themselves to get to the gym. And this is something teenagers do. They're very body conscious and they're very aware of their self image. But if you've taught your child to love themselves from within.

They will never have that lack of confidence because beauty breeds competence. And that was a quote I made recently because when you believe inside that you're a good person and you, and you know, you know, you've got your core values. And if someone says, what are your values? And you can answer them straight away, then that shines from the inside and people see that light people want to be near you.

People want to know they don't want to be with someone. Who's not sure of themselves. And you'll start doing one in your business. You'll start doing, they'll start doing well at school. Everything will start falling into place. And that's how it's been for me. So my book covers a lot of different aspects of life, but it's really.

As it's called master your life, lift the life of your dreams because you can with the right tool. Sometimes we just need to be directed often. And you know, this yourself, Tracy, we know the answers ourselves. It's just being reminded in that trigger, that trigger within your mind to say, Hmm, I like what I'm reading.

And let me just try it. Yes. Just be willing to try and just step out of your comfort zone because it might. Just, I like saying widen your comfort zone. Don't step out of it. Just widen it because once you've tried it, once it becomes comfortable before you're stepping onto the next level, we're an amazing race.

Look how we've coped with COVID where I am in the United Kingdom. Wherever you may be as well. Not too far away. We've we've been locked out for nearly a year. In some areas they haven't come up, locked down. So you cope, you develop new skills you develop like with using zoom things that people wouldn't use on a day-to-day basis before they use it.

So don't underestimate your own power to change because you've done it already. Exactly exactly. And we, and we need to change. We need to evolve. We need to improve ourselves and, you know, be adaptable and all that his motto was always, it is be the best you can be with the gifts that you have, because we're so full of gifts.

Nice to say this to the children every night, the things you tell your children is literally what they will become. So, um, try to always embed positive. What even now at this age, my children older, I still say I'll drop the positive word, having that deliberately because worse, also powerful. They are literally spells.

So, you know, it's just something I wish parents would think and consider doing. Be aware of, be a conscious parent. And that's what we need to be. Definitely. Thank you so, so much, Nina. I'm good. I'm going to ask you to please send me the link for your book. When is it going to be available? Yup. As soon as I'm finished reading it, there's a few different read it so many times.

Um, but there's just a few printing. I was. If anybody's out there wanting to write a book, it's not as easy as it looks. And the writing calls is quite quickly done. It's the actual manufacturing, I'll call it the publishing and printing side. So this month it will be on Amazon. And I would love for you to pick a copy up.

Thank you so much, Nina. Thanks so much.

And if you found this episode really moving, then please share it with someone that you care about. Because I think this message needs to be shared to so many people. And I'd like to leave you with another quote because as you know, yes, I love my quotes. And here it is today, it says it is a reminder for anyone who needs it, including myself, there isn't anything wrong about falling apart.

Just take it as a beautiful chance for you to rebuild yourself all over again. And to. Create a new version of you who doesn't know what it means to give up on the person you're becoming. And this is one of Semia to Tandis quits, have a lovely week, everyone

Gary Doherty is an expert in self image and self confidence and speaks about his personal journey and how you can confidently you.

For more information on Gary and his courses, head to https://thinknetwork.co/

Tracy can be contacted as follows:

Website: www.tracykimberg.com

Phone: 07928 154054

Facebook: www.facebook.com/Tracy.Kimberg.Counselling.Therapy.Coaching/

Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/tracy-kimberg-9564a3193/

Instagram: www.instagram.com/tracy_kimberg_hypnotherapist/

welcome to the waves of clarity episode 21. My name is Tracy Kimberg. I'm a teenage transformation therapist and a relationship coach. My passion is to really help teenagers love themselves for who they are without having to try and be a part of a crowd or be like anybody else and be true to themselves and know their self-worth.

I also love helping people within their relationships find out what makes each other tick, how we can better communicate and practice emotional intelligence within our own relationships. But this week, I invited Gary Doherty as a guest on my podcast. Gary is doing amazing things and he's spreading the word about being your true self and doing the best you can in your life, living your life to its fullest and making a difference in the world is so important to all of us.

We can all start with tiny little things, tiny gestures of kindness, and just being positive and helpful to people that we notice ne our help and support can already make a difference in the world. So Gary, welcome to the waves of clarity and I am so excited to have you here today. You, um, have such amazing energy and I'm sure everybody, after listening to you is going to feel very uplifted and energized by your incredible.

Attitude and energy welcome Gary. Well, firstly, thank you so much. Um, it's, it's a pleasure to be here and a pleasure to talk to yourself and to connect with your audience and your, your, your following and be as some old rest, all of them. Hi to everybody. Um, we met in club posts. If you're not on club posts, you must note if you don't have an iPhone.

Yeah, well, no, if you don't have one and you have an Android, you will be able to in five weeks anyway, so relaxed. Okay. Either way you'll be on it. Um, I'm, I'm guarded already on the finder of think network, which is, uh, Europe's fastest growing independent empowerment platform bar numb anywhere. And the P as in Europe, I'm being humble saying that because I believe it's the word.

Um, and I will check that all out sun and the bio will change, um, as my mission and vision to help make the world a better place. One event at a time, one podcast at a time, one club poster and that one webinar, one subscription, one grip, one conversation, one connection, one follow we'll make one chair will everything.

That's my mission. That's my mantra. And, um, I don't want to do it. I am doing it. And, um, I'm also a TEDx creator license holder and speaker. Fantastic. Gary, it's quite a mouthful. Um, so in your life, when did you, um, start finding yourself interested in the concept of showing up as your true self. I have always my whole life wanted to show up as my true self.

And have you ever listened to my Ted talk? Whatever you give up three feet from gold, check it out. The TEDx YouTube channel, um, shameless plug. I always felt that I was loving on a present of a mind. That I didn't have the courage to be my authentic self because I didn't have my cell phone, which was super, my confidence was so low and I felt like an impostor in life.

I didn't have the courage to be my authentic self Tracy and I always wanted to be, and I always knew I wanted to be. So I went through life, not be in my authentic self for. My whole life. I'm going to say up until I started to be on the journey to be calming. I'm having the courage to be who I am now.

I'm probably in my mid twenties. I'm going to say. Um, so when, when you were a teenager, how did you feel about yourself? I only, I would say I was popular. Um, I had boyfriends, I had girlfriends, I was popular at school. I was in the football teams. I was one of the X, Y and Zed awards. I was at a big social group.

I, from a work in the middle-class family on the fear side of it, I would have had, you know, Yeah, a good life. And I, I suppose I did, but how I felt about myself was inside. I would have been very self-conscious. I would have been very unsecure. I would have been quite fragile on the inside, which Sean times would have manifested on the outside, but not, you know what I mean?

I was quite good at hiding that, but that's quite exhausting. Hayden that have a not and word and security and lack of confidence and being nervous and, and overthinking and all those things that you would associate with that that's exhaust on level, not life, but awkward, play, being happy, you know, confidence or, or, uh, um, or perceived confidence.

Um, And that was quite exhausting of my almost. And I do, I did, I love my life like that. I have to be honest. So, um, tell me, Gary, um, Is this a Catholic, um, description of all happy on the outside, but not so happy on the inside. That's probably, that's probably a rough description of a day of happiness. I had happy times I had happy moments.

I did happy. I did things that made me happy, but I think I always, I never liked my own company, Tracy. Which is a good indicator of not like in your own self, which is an indicator of per cell phone, but, you know, which is, uh, on the kid or that you've can hang ups or issues that you need to eat. You're, you're carrying a whip on your shoulders.

Like, like you're kind of not, we had advanced early, it was the on life from you're only your clothes. It's like, so I never liked my own company. Never, ever. Um, I like it a lot more. I, but I, I didn't want to, at that age, And tell me, um, as a, as a, as a child, um, you know, how, how did your parents manage that?

Did they, were they aware of it? Did they not know it. No idea. My parents, um, are good people, working, people work their whole life, um, brought me up the best they could. Um, what's the emotional intelligence that they had and they're, they're, they're, they're well-respected people. And I would never, you know, on Julie critique them.

Um, what I would say, and just for the context of this talk, it's important to say it. Is that maybe, maybe that's say affection or emotional intelligence or Prius or all those, all those things that we, that are people like you and I are champion them today. Maybe that sort of thing. Wasn't plentiful. And that wouldn't really have helped my, um, my, my persona or how I was.

So, um, no, they didn't know, but no, I couldn't have talked to him anyway, you know? Okay. So, um, then let's move on with your journey. Now, here you are sitting, talking to me and you are empowering other people to show up as their authentic self. And you've obviously made it your mission to make a difference in the world in that way.

Um, what. Um, what made you make that switch? What was that? Was that all home moment? What was the thing that happened? Because there's always a thing that happens isn't there. Yeah. Johnny knows something to end my Ted talk. I talk about this. This is a, this is a very profound conversation, you know? Um, I, I have always had an inquisitive mindset, always even when I was so inside anxious and nervous.

And self-conscious, I always knew that I always, actually always felt a wee bit different, even though nobody else would have looked at me and said I was any different. I always felt different than not. I knew I had so much together. And it wasn't governor. I knew that I used to look at things that people thought were satisfactory and thank God I could doing much better, but I don't have the courage to say it, then the courage to go into it.

And that I didn't do it. You know, ultimately kept my hand in and understood the back of the grip. And when I knew that I knew the answer traditional, or I could do that better, or I could do an R I should be putting my hand up, I would have liked that. So I've always had that insight where I knew there was more there a lot more, and that's why I felt different.

Um, and then. I got married in the millennium 2000, I'm married 21 years or 20, 21 years this year. Very proud of that, um, in today's world, that so much movement. And, um, I met my father-in-law, um, a man called Marshall McAllen and little did I know, but that was going to change my life forever. Okay. And, and I'm going to say Marshall and my wife and the family.

Actually shoot me. And I don't mean this is a dramatic statement. I'm saying this because I mean it from my heart and I've said it publicly many times or upset at a few times publicly. Um, they showed me how to love, you know, how to show affection. I remember I'll tell you a quick, funny story about, and it'll tell you about the, the, that moment.

I remember the first night that I left my wife back their house. She was living at home with her parents and I left my wife back to the house and she brought me on to meet her mom for the first time when I was leaving her mom. Hugged and kissed me at the door. That was like, what's happening here?

What's she doing? This is weird. That had never happened before, like in my life, like ever. Wow. And I was 20, I was 21 or 22 and I was like, this is a bit freaky. And I even said to my wife, then my wife to be at the time said, go to your mom's very friendly user, very OTT. She said, that's normal. That's, that's why we love.

That's what we do. And that, that, that was the start. The reason I'm sharing, not us because that's the start of the journey. Um, that ha moment let's say was. On my wedding day and my father-in-law was giving the speech. No, he's no longer with us. He died five years ago suddenly. And my mother died five years ago as well.

Then she, my wife lost her parents was done in eight months. And, um, my father-in-law said at a speech, he said, I believe in him. I know he has what it takes to make an life. Um, and I actually don't know he was talking about me. It doesn't say many MEC at this stage. And I was sitting there thinking, you know, who's he talking about?

I was like, another bloody experience was weird. Like I've never heard anything like that in my life towards me directed towards me. Um, I've heard plenty sense because we do so many good things now and the finish of me and, and why not feel good about Prius and, and, and, and, and feeling that law firm.

Yeah. So, but then this was alien at that time. These are words that never have been heard before, by me ever in my life. And he said that and immediately felt 10 feet tall. Um, and I remember just welling up with tears and we focused tapping onto the table and the sweat was owned by me, bro. And, um, and it just, he gave me a, you know, not to sound like I'm repeating my Ted talk, but it gives me that life saving drug Gulf self-belief.

And that sent me off in a redundant, less Chrissy. It slowly, slowly finding my way following the passion to where I'm at now, which is my purpose. And I think that's the moment tracing. It's amazing, such a moving story. And thank you for sharing that with us. So now, um, you've suddenly realized that, um, you know, someone's believing in you and, and you decided you're going to, um, Change the way that you living your life, obviously.

So in here you are with this very, um, successful business that you're running and you're making a huge difference in the world, which is, um, incredible. Really, if you think of how it's only taken you, how long, 20 years to make this huge shift. Um, so now, um, a lot of people can learn from you. You can teach them the value of.

Um, having, um, this uncreate, incredible self love for yourself and acceptance and everything that goes with that. But what about the person listening now? That is where you were when you had none of us and they, they are feeling that they are not valued, that they don't have worse. What would you say to that person today?

I think the first thing is, you know, first, the first thing is you may not feel that you're worth anything. You may not be told you're worth anything on. You may not feel yourself that you're worth anything, but know that somebody somewhere knows that you are worth something. You just may not have heard it yet.

Like, my father felt that about me. Right. And I'm very fortunate that he told me that they so know that you firstly know that you are enough. Right. That's the first thing. Whether anybody has shown you, whether you even fill it doesn't matter, but those matter, but it doesn't matter. And that it's context of this conversation just know that you are, have your faith.

I have my faith. I have a strong faith. Okay. And I'm not here bashing a Bible or anything like got, I don't go to a place of worship. Um, so it's not a that I have a strong faith. Um, and the right. So that's, that's the second thing, Linden, your fifth, if you have one and they hope you do so, um, the third thing is.

Surround yourself with people that raise you that inspire you, that lift you up, that you may be want to be like, or you admire or are motivated by. And you'd ask you, the first thing is we'll hide your, I do that too. And I'm not in them circles or I, you know, I, I admire X, Y, and Z, but sure. I can't get speaking today.

I'm there, you know, social, social media is free on the whole. Join private groups. Join, join, join, join, volunteer at at the aspirational or inspirational or motivational things that have got your attention connect. What's somebody that you admire tell them to get married them, and you would love to talk to them.

You'd love to know what makes them tick. How do they do it with these share when they, when they mentor you, maybe even perhaps would they give you one hour? A month of their time to help you be a better person to help you improve your confidence. I can tell you most people that receive that sort of message are, are, um, the faded Verde, the faded Verdi, the faded.

They feel privileged that you've asked. You give me a damn feel good by telling them you value them so much that 30 minutes or an hour of their time, once a month would really benefit their life. If somebody contacted me and really, really, and I, and I could see they were trying, and I wanted to give them the gift that some of the gifts that I maybe perhaps have in my head, I would do it for them.

You know, as one of the universal laws, the law of receiving the law of receiving means the law of giving are very closely linked. Yeah. And you must, you must only give your gift to somebody that is where they all that is trying their best, that is wanting to do better. That will do good things with the time that you're in government.

So reach out to people be in the right circles. And here's another woman look left and right in life. Right. And some people go the guests, when I say this here, I'm at the truth. And that's why they called it. That because of as a, as a whole, right. You really mean that look left and right in life. Do you see.

Whoever is in your circle if they are not adding value to you. And I don't mean monetary, I mean, spiritually, emotionally, physically, uh, time-wise advice, constructive feedback, positive, uh, you know, close sort of, uh, behaviors. Guess what they're taking that away. If they're not adding to your life, they are taking it away from your life.

There's no such thing as no thing, no, nothing doesn't exist. We are either one thing or another. We are either positive or negative or either increasing or decreasing. And if so many is not adding value and that's not you being selfish looking, they take. Doesn't mean, not if they're not adding value to your vibration.

If they're not met, if they're not left in New York, if they're not helping you be a better version of yourself, they're making you be a worst version of yourself. They are taking away from your life. So know that and have a look left. And right. If you have a friend that constantly brings negativity to you, he said, she said fills you full of anxiety gets you.

Annoyed gets you upset. Start, start an argument with somebody else. That's not somebody to be around, whether it's your lifelong friend or not. Um, explore your self-image self-image is everything. Self-image your self-image is good. You have no problem being confident. You have no problem being a FinTech.

You have no problem being yourself like you and I. Our self-image is pretty good. We jumped on here today. We had no script, no pre this, that or the other. We knew what we wanted to talk about in general. And we jumped on our authentic selves and just flew. There's not a new could ask me that would trip me up.

And there's nothing I would say to you that would throw you a curve ball either. This is a nice flowy conversation between two like minded people and raises my vibration. I feel like a better person talking to you and hopefully I'm adding value for you as well. And. That's what I would say long one that I don't.

No problem. I know when, um, when we started speaking about the things that we start passionate about, I'm the same, it's very difficult to get me to keep quiet, but you know, um, yesterday when we were in the room, we were talking about motivation and inspiration. Can you remember? And, um, I wondered what your take is on motivation and inspiration.

That's a good question. That's something I thought long and hard about, which is why I'd held the 12 posts from actually, it was then I wrote in previous that talked about the same thing and I thought that's interesting. I want to follow up that conversation. For me motivation and a lot less than the people, you know, you very rarely hear you hear similar things, but motivation is very individual for specific, you know, for people it's very specific, very niche, very, very like a certain thing.

And very seldom do people have the same exact same motivations in life and inspiration for me, motivation is internal. Motivation comes internally for me. Um, and inspiration comes externally for me. I don't get any inspiration from what I'm really, I get inspired externally to that. And that motivates, uh, I, I, it spurs me alone with my goals and achievements and so on.

So motivation for me. I got my motivation when I discovered my why in life translate. That's my, that's what I, that's how I find my motivation. And I have unlimited fuel for life. I'm motivated 24 seven, three 65 days here all the time. I'm motivated all the time.

Um, what would you say to, um, parents that all, um, Um, in a situation where they maybe have a teenager that is really battling, um, to find their self-worth and find their motivation. There's, there's things, there's various things I would say, you know, um, I think I'm a father myself to two teenagers, by the way.

So, um, uh, I would say, firstly, What's the cause of this here. Sometimes it can be very natural. It can make hormonal, it can be, you know, it can be Fran grips. It can be social media, quite often. Social media and hormonal is probably the two. Um, I would look at ways on how you can keep reaffirming to them.

The opposite of what they see themselves as, because affirmations are a really, really powerful thing. And I hope you practice affirmations yourself. I'm guessing you probably do. Um, affirmations are a powerful, they're actually a game changer for me. Would you believe that? True to say, I mean, like change my life.

Like I have an affirmation in front of me there I face, no matter what that everything is a me is. And then we'll continue to be at as my birthright to see receive abundance in all areas every day. And I, I look at that all the time. Right? So that, that's part of my subconscious. I believe that that's why I love that is normal to me.

I have rewired my brain. That that is normal. That's how I see the word. I'm not telling you. I fixed the word. And I think parents, I don't think this is big enough in education. I think this should be part of education, all the oldest sort of stuff here, because. Um, I would look at the teenager self-image I would look at how you can improve that their self-image, uh, personal development tools.

I think personal developments are powerful, powerful thing. Um, I think enter just, not at a young age as actually vital, and I think in years, the coma will be part of the curriculum now yet it's just an airy fairy part of it. They do have one hour, a month workshop on. You know, being a good set of some. So what, you know, with the, you need to be a GCSE in this thing needs to be an aid level and this here, they need to be studying this every day.

This is, this is as important as English and maths or more. Yeah. Completely agree. Completely agree. I think another thing that for me is extremely important is for the parent to actually show up as they authentic self. Yes. Yes. I mean, if, if you can't show your child that you are also imperfectly perfect, you have your faults, you make your mistakes and how you handle those mistakes is a perfect example to show your child rights.

Um, this is how you recover from. Feeling down or, you know, we all have down days and you know, I'm not always, and I'm sure you're not always bouncing off the walls, but you know, you have down days, but your parents look to you. They, they mirror us. And it's so important for us to show up as our authentic selves as parents.

Yeah, I totally agree with it. And at our, our children are very, um, they're very vulnerable at that age as well. You know, they, they mirror our behaviors. Like if we're not being our authentic self, they don't have the courage to be there as either, you know? Um, and I think, I think that's very, very, very important.

Um, it's quite difficult. I'm going to say. And modern team now in these days to not, not as apparent to show up as your authentic self, but as guys quite difficult to ensure our children are in that sort of an abundant mindset, because there's so many influences now with social media, they all mean Gaiman.

Um, you know, all the negative mass media, like there's, there's a lot of crazy stuff. That the external effect in the internal note doesn't affect me so much. My main sets Bulletproof, um, in terms of like, I don't watch news. I don't have negative people in my life. In fact, if I am on social media and you're on my social media and you're negative, or, you know, You'll get the very least you'll get muted around followed, not, not on frame that are blocked.

You'd have to be very bad, but I would do definitely. Won't be my timeline. I won't see you you'll be there, but I won't see it. Um, and I'm very, very protective, but that, but kids, teenagers are more impressionable. They're they're they're I'll tell you what. See teenagers. They're more influenced by their friend group than they are their parents.

There's another thing. True. And the thing is what happens often is, um, when the parents don't show up as their authentic selves, the teenagers turn to they friends for important issues or things like Google or things like, um, you know, social media for answers. Yeah, and we should be available every day. I say to, you know, create that safe space for your children, where they can come and not feel judged, not feel, um, you know, um, not good enough in inverted commerce.

Um, even if they've made a mess or had done something wrong that they can feel, right. I'm going to be safe to open up and speak about this here. Yeah. And do you know, what do you know the bank? No bank thing that it would like to actually share. It's okay. As emotional intelligence. Emotional intelligence has a Bose for is no, you know, that's like resilience.

And like all these words that you hear all the time, and that's a real boss thing. But if you ask nine out of 10 people at emotional intelligence says you would probably get six or seven different answers. You know? Um, I run a mastermind group of think network, um, and our apartment platform. And we had an emotional, uh, globally latent emotional intelligence expert and it, um, delivering a masterclass.

And blew my mind. He was talking about, um, most, all intelligence is how you show up to the word, show up, how you show up 99 times out of a hundred will determine what you receive back will determine the relationship that you have with that person. So for example, if I show up here today, You know, you know, uh, on the Thursday aspect on engage in order to install, but nine times out of 10, you're going to, you're not going to engage with me the same.

You're going to cut the interview short. You're not going to be your best self because I I've, I've inflicted that negativity on you or I've inflected my valuable to you. And then it's very hard for you to be Bozeman, Bozeman, Bozeman, but best person that's just given you all that. And, and that's natural.

That's natural. Right? So. Show up your best authentic self. Like when I show up the people, I am myself, a maintains over 10, there'll be their self with me. If I'm positive with them as positive as I can be on the given day that I'm on. If I give them my best self, big day times out of 10, give it back, you know, at the Turman side, the relationship goes, but don't get me wrong.

There's always one. There's always not get it twisted. I don't want anybody thinking I'm talking. We will like, you can. There's always one in life. There'll always be one in every room. There'll be every bar. There'll be one. And every place you go there, there's always one in life. No matter how nice you are.

Our, our, our construct of UCR, they be just hell bent and in your vape. So. Except that I'm reset, Ian, going to change some people and that's okay too. I just have to go like that and keep on my journey. Fantastic, Gary. That's that's been absolutely. Brilliant. And, um, I'm sure that, um, someone out there, um, has made a shift just by listening to this conversation.

And that's all we want is to just change one life with each podcast. You know, that's my mission. If just one person can get value, I'm happy enough. And you're doing that. And also I'd like to extend an offer for you to come onto my apartment's show so that I can find out about all your motivations and aspirations, passions, goals, mindset, and all that there.

So if you would do me the owner sometime I would love to have you on my show, and showcase you to my network. That would be great. Thank you so much, Gary. We'll be in touch. And if anybody wants to find out more about Gary's, um, um, um, courses and things that he gives, we're going to put his notes in the bottom of the podcast notes, or get in touch with me or look Gary up at the think network.

And, um, you can definitely I'm sure, Gary, are you going to offer, uh, Uh, um, a special, um, discount code for the people that have listened to this podcast. I'll tell you what I'll do even better than that. Well, I have a self-confidence ebook that it took me a year to put together. And one of the, one of the things, a process that I have followed, they have my confidence at the level of the chart.

I have a humble confidence at a sky high, right? My confidence is sky high unapologetically. So I fail I'm at the top of McGee and I feel I'm the very best version of myself. And I love myself for the first time in my life. Fantastic. Um, I follow certain principles that have worked for me, and I put that into a book.

I won't think of a way of totally free. We were, we were actually selling these books. Would you believe it for, we were selling them 10, 15 quote, maybe a year, two years ago. And then I just called my cell phone and I said, why am I selling this for like, you know, give this away to people that said I'm gonna put it on the ebook form.

It's totally free. It's a network self-confidence ebook. It'll take you everything through that. I do on a daily basis and it's totally free for you. Um, no catch, no dust, no nothing.

Wow, what an amazing guest today. Thank you so much, Gary, for, um, agreeing to, um, share your time with me and to share what your brilliant message is. And I hope you listening will try and be more your authentic self, be you and try and just. Embrace life a bit more. And of course, as I always say, if you feel that you are struggling mentally and maybe with your children or in your relationship, then you don't have to keep it to yourself.

Speak up, speak to somebody, speak to a friend, or get in touch with me. And I would. Really love to help you in your situation. Find clarity and just feel more positive about how you can change things to have a happier and a better mental health.

And once again, I'd like to leave you with this really beautiful quote by Roy. T Bennett. It says the past is a place of reference, not a place of residence. The past is a place of learning, not a place of living. And this, we can all keep close to our hearts and not living the past and live in the present and look forward to the future because the future is bright.

Andrew Weingart speaks to Tracy about being a conscious parent with your children, helping them develop their true selves.

Andrew can be found on Instagram at www.instagram.com/elevatewithandrew/ 

Details of his course are here: https://linktr.ee/elevatewithandrew

For 80% off the course, message Andrew direct for a promo code (or drop Tracy a note and she will connect you).

Tracy can be contacted as follows:

Website: www.tracykimberg.com

Phone: 07928 154054

Facebook: www.facebook.com/Tracy.Kimberg.Counselling.Therapy.Coaching/

Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/tracy-kimberg-9564a3193/

Instagram: www.instagram.com/tracy_kimberg_hypnotherapist/

Hello

and welcome to the waves of clarity. This is the 20th episode. Oh my goodness. I can't hardly believe it. It's been five months of weekly podcasts. And I want to thank you for listening for your support. I hope that you have really managed to listen to most of the episodes and that in each episode you found something valuable that has made a difference in your life.

Let's be honest with each other. This last year has been an absolute nightmare at times, but we've also had loads of really special times and memories that we're going to carry with us for a very, very long time. But a lot of us have lost our motivation, our mojo, so to speak. Have you lost your mojo. Then this episode is exactly what you need to listen to.

I have a guest, his name is Andrew Weingart. Andrew is a motivational speaker and he specializes in teaching people about mindfulness and also helping teenagers be better motivated and more mindful in their lives. Being a therapist is extremely rewarding. It can also be quite difficult sometimes listening to people's hardships and the troubles that they have in their lives, but there is nothing more.

Wonderful for me then getting an amazing review from a client that's completed their course in therapy, or has completed the first step and is willing to carry on in the process of improving themselves and building their resilience throughout their lives. So, today I want to share with you a very special, um, review, which is from one of my clients.

It's a young lad that. Really what amazed me. He walked into my office feeling really shy. And, um, the transformation that I saw in him over the three months that he came to see me was absolutely magnificent and made me very proud in a way, not of myself, but of him because he is the one that did the hard work.

So this is his review in his own words, which I really love. I was nervous in the beginning and didn't like talking, but felt comfortable after the first session. I have learned how to be confident now. And I'm so thankful that I came and definitely recommend this. So this type of review is really what makes my job worth doing.

I love it when people really feel the benefit of coming for therapy.

Very important to remember is if anything, in today's episode, when I talk to Andrew resonates with you. Then I welcome you and I invite you to contact me. I'd love to have a discussion with you and see if there's anything we can do to help you. And if I can't help you, I can definitely refer you to someone that can help you.

I'd also like to invite you to next week's episode, which is going to be focused on the importance of proper communication in your relationship, healthy communication. Open communication, which is vital for your relationship to thrive and grow. Let's get on with this week's episode, excited to introduce him.

He is really interesting and I'm sure you're going to enjoy listening to everything he has to say. Welcome Andrew, to the waves of clarity podcast. I'm so honored to have you here. So I'm going to introduce you. I'd like you to introduce yourself and tell people about who you are. What you do and what your passions are.

Well, thanks for that, Tracy. I appreciate it. I appreciate you taking the time out of your day and what you're doing here as well. Like providing a platform for myself and other people who want to help inspire others and create ways of clarity. Um, a little bit about me. Well, I grew up. Normal kid, um, in New Jersey, uh, was always like the life of the party, like just vibrant, uh, always joking around like just, just being a goof and felt so free.

And, um, it wasn't until really that I hit sixth grade. I was 12 years old that I actually came down with Lyme disease. And it took, uh, four different hospitals to figure out what it was. Cause I had a rare case of a it's called Lyme meningitis, or I got double vision and my headaches were so bad. It felt like I would literally cry.

And um, so the point of me telling that story is that was actually when I first can remember experiencing feeling bullied. Um, I received a card, a big like huge card. From my classmates and they mailed it and somehow they got it to the hospital. And I was reading, there was so many lovely things on it, but right in the dead center of the card, it said gay.

And I had made up in my head that I knew the kid who said it. And it was the first time I actually experienced being bullied and. Really from that moment on now, looking back gradually, my confidence just started to diminish my willingness to shine my light and just not have a worry about what other people would think about me slowly started to diminish.

And then I started to continually attract that because, um, the mind, you know, the thoughts that we have is what we continue to attract. So I started to attract more bullies. My older brother started to bully me, which seems pretty natural for an older brother, but that also affected me. Right. Um, and then from there, um, I went to, I.

Got a bunch of injuries from high school sports. And because my injuries were so bad from sports and my body was out of alignment, but not only my body, my energetic body inside of me, it was out of alignment. I actually found yoga when I was 25 and it was, it was strictly just to heal my physical body.

And then as I started to heal my physical body, I ended up meeting my. My Ukrainian teacher, who is like, uh, a Buddhist monk. And it was the first time that I experienced whatever anybody calls it, universe source creator, God. Right. I experienced that through his words and I said, wow, this is what I've been.

Like I've felt that there was something else there. And my soul always knew. I always felt that was connected, but I Oh. But I never knew how to like get there. I was like, you know, where's the key to open the door to have this information until unlock this. And so I met him and I became a yoga instructor through his course.

And, you know, since then I've done personal development trainings, um, and the training similar to landmark forum, which is big on development. And from there, I really, I just started coaching people. It was my passion to help other people. And one day just hit me. I said, Whoa. I said, if I had all of these tools and techniques that I have now, when I was a teenager or when I was 12, when I first got bullied, I wouldn't have allowed myself to go down this spiral.

And I just see it. I'm like if we can catch, if we can educate teens before they get into this. And, and anybody, the sooner we get this tools, these tools and information, the more easily we can hold that true pureness that we are as a human being, or I believe that we're pure whole and complete from birth.

It's just through our patterns, our conditionings, our habits, what we're. What we learned from our parents, even though they do the best that they can with vape, what they know, and also society and media and et cetera, is what programs us into someone who we think that we are, but it's not who we are. You know, like I did this little mini Ted talk.

It was like, you're not who you think you are. And to let people know, it's like, well, what does that mean? It's like, well, all this person that you think you are is not actually, you it's just. All of the things that in experiences that you've. Grabbed from your life from media and what they tell you you should do in this and what your parents think is best for you.

Most of the times, we're just, we're just mimicking our parents, but is that truly what we believe in our heart and soul that is most important to us that resonates with us. And I think this is a great segue into the whole parenting. And I specifically work with teens, but th but parenting in general, it's like I noticed oftentimes that.

The parent believes and in right. Do mind. I understand that my way is the best. But they're doing it out of love. Right? That's the first thing I want to mention is like, I know that it's coming from love, but the team doesn't see it in that way. And the teen is like, they're rebelling because that's their, that's their development, mental part of their life.

When they're looking to create their own identity and to create their own independence. And that's where the clashing between the two common, I think that's where a lot of the parenting issues come from. And, um, Yeah. So that's me. That's me. And, um, I'll pass it back to you, cause I'm sure you have some questions for me.

I can go on forever. So when, um, when, um, the say, when I started talking about my job and I love my job, um, you know, I have to really, um, say to myself, you need to shut up and it's. Um, but, um, I think, um, when you think about how there's a lot of talk. About, um, having an awakening when you met life. Um, in the olden days, they used to refer to it as a midlife crisis.

Now they've they refer to it as an awakening. Um, and. My theory is that the wakening comes exactly because of what you have just described because of how we've been told, how we are, how we should be, what we should believe in, how we should act and all that. And eventually we have a delayed reaction to realizing who we are, and that's when we have this awakening.

When we older. Um, I was wondering, what do you think, um, we can do to. Um, shift that awakening earlier for our children to shift it, um, to not happen later in life so that before they end up finding a life partner before they end up, um, making very serious choices about the future to have that awakening, um, Before and earlier then what we are as grownups.

Yeah. It's a great question. Um, I think that. W w as you alluded to it doesn't have to be a mid-life right. It could be at any point. And, and when I experienced mine was when I was 28. Um, and I think that we can experience that immediately or get to the point in an ideal world that we never even have to experience it because we never lose that pureness of who we are.

Right. Um, what I've learned from my experience in hearing others' experiences is oftentimes it takes. It takes some sort of bang energy and circumstance to happen in order for that awakening to occur. So sometimes it's such, it's such, um, you know, great arguing, like intense arguing in a relationship, or somebody does something to us.

So harmful for me. I had a DUI and I became allergic to alcohol. So that was kinda like my wake up of like, okay, let me just like chill out, settled down. Like. You know, and I started to find myself on this path, um, as far as what we can do, um, we must educate, we must educate our teens, uh, all of our children, uh, no matter what age and.

I think that's, you know, kind of what we're doing here is like, whatever platform, never think your voice is too, too small, first and foremost, if you can impact one person, right. That butterfly effect, you can impact one person to wake up. They can be the next Tony Robbins, Deepak Chopra. You don't, you don't know.

Right. Um, so I think that's really important, uh, is to share, share your gifts authentically vulnerably and. Never think that your voice is too small. Um, really getting to the teens and understanding, I would say number two is to really get on their level, especially as a parent one tap into like who, who.

Who was I when I was a teenager, what were some of the things that I went through? Because I believe that life is always reflecting back to us, the things that are unresolved within us. And so it's like, okay, how is my team acting? And how can I be accountable for that? Not from a place of I'm blaming myself.

I'm a terrible parent. I don't know what to do, but like, How am I being with my child, that's working for me. How am I being with my child? That's not working for me. And then what can I bring forth from me that can create that shift? And a lot of times for, in my belief for everybody, but since we're talking about parents, it's the need to be, right?

Like, it's like, Oh, this is the way that it is. And it should be. And if my kid would just do this, then everything would be great. But guess what? He's not, or he or she is not, you. Right. So he, or she has a different, we all have different perspectives of lot of life. So when we can get to a common ground and learn communication, and this is what I teach in my eight week course for teens is a particular way to communicate with people in the world so that they understand you and they get it.

They get what you're saying what's happening is there's a disconnect. What you're saying to your teen is not landing for them. Okay. So it's like, so it's like, how can I be accountable and how can I be resilient and relentless that no matter what it takes, I will even be willing to be wrong about all of what I've been doing so that I can create that result.

And I think that's super, super cool Warren.

In your work? How, how, when do you, I think one should start with this. I know the answer, but you know, I think. Obviously from birth, but when you, for people that have never heard about or thoughts about changing the way that they parent their children, what do you think is important for somebody listening that thinks maybe I'm doing it wrong.

I need to maybe change the way I'm parenting my child. What, what would you say are a couple of basic steps that they can, um, try, um, in the way that they parenting to change things and better the relationship with them and their children. Yeah. So to answer your first question, like you said, it's early possible.

They're actually teaching, um, S E L, which stands for social emotional learning. They're implementing these programs in the schools. I know in the U S I'm sure it's worldwide and it's not in every school, but hopefully it gets there because it's teaching these kids how to be, how to learn socially and interact, and then understand their emotions, which is in my experience.

First of the first importance, because when we can understand our inner world, then we can clearly understand our external world and then we can get results in our life. We're not experiencing depression, anxiety, et cetera. Um, so yeah, and of course each age group, you're going to have different things that you're going to teach based on their level of understanding.

Um, as far as things that like a parent can implement right now with their child would be to. Seek support know that you don't have to do it on your own is definitely I think a very big priority because there is a 10th attempt, a tendency of righteousness between amongst human beings in general. Right?

It's like I can do it on my own. I'm going to figure this out. And if I w. Human beings in my experience also have this struggle to ask for support because it means that you're weak, that you're not smart and these types of things. So as a parent or something, yeah. Right. And understanding that you're not alone.

There's so many parents out there that are going through the same exact thing as you just with a different twist on it. So it's like, how can we come together as a community of parents and a community of teens? So we can start to address these issues? I would say number two is listening. Listen with the intent to simply listen and feel like do your best to feel the emotion and the pain, the suffering that the teen is expressing to you and notice as well.

That what they're saying on the surface is not actually really, truly most of the time, what they're dealing with, the reason why they're mad or angry or lashing out at you is not, it's like. If you can look okay, like why are they upset? And asking questions would be number three. So ask questions, you know, go deeper with asking permission.

I would say is number one is ask permission to your child. Hey, are you open to talking about this? Cause a lot of times parents go in with like, Oh, I have this entitlement that I can just do and say whatever I want. Cause I'm the parent, which okay. When they're younger. Sure. Because they need guidance direction, but especially as a teen moves towards their adolescents, it's huge.

It's in our biology as a human, as the mind develops, we long for a sense of independence and self-identity, and. Yeah. And what happens is teens start to look elsewhere. They don't, they don't teens want that independence. So they actually look elsewhere from their parents. Their parents is just like their security, but they want to start to explore.

So I often hear a lot of times parents say like, Oh, I feel like I'm losing my son. They never talked to me. My daughter, you know, I feel distant. And it's also that surrendering as a parent of knowing like, Hey, I'm doing great. And like have that discussion with them. Listen, tell them, tell them you understand what they're going through or ask them what they're going through so you can relate to them.

And then once you're both on the same page, now, you're like, okay, listen, here's the boundaries, but you. Invite them to create the boundaries with you because now they're starting to be independent. You have to give them a say, but that doesn't mean like, Oh mom gonna stay until 3:00 AM. No, you get to negotiate.

Okay. How's 11 instead. Okay. So now they have a sense of say, and then you create that connection. But if it's the constant like this, you do what I say. A lot of times that comes from a fear of the parent. Not wanting them to get hurt, not wanting to get her wrong or wrong. Around the wrong crowd into drugs, around the friends, et cetera.

And I get that and that's where that sense of surrender comes in. Right. So it's a fine line and I'm not a parent, so I wouldn't be able to tell you that it's easy and I'm sure it's super challenging, you know, but yeah, that's, that would be my, those are my main tips. So it would be, um, Hmm. Let's see if I can recall them ask permission.

Right. Um, ask, ask them questions to see how they're feeling and really relate because we can make up in our head like, Oh, they're feeling Ang angry, but really, maybe they're not feeling angry. So asking them like, what's what are they experiencing? Um, Alyson was the other one and listening yeah. With the intention to simply feel what they're feeling, having that compassion.

Yeah. That's often, I think a lot of the time, the problem is those exact three things. Um, but you can, um, that can spill over into every single relationship. Not only with our children, you know? Um, I think if they are parents listening out there. You know, even when you are in your own relationships with your partner, those are the three key tools to actually having communication and respect for each other.

Those three things are vital in any relationship. Absolutely. And I think also too, teens don't feel heard people in general don't feel heard because we do too much talking and not enough listening. So it's like a teen wants to express something or, you know, Like, you know, share something and then like the parents just, it's almost like a, I know better.

Let me tell you. And it's like, they don't feel heard and whatever, whatever you're experiencing with your team, that they're probably also going to experience and is, like you said, it's going to show up in other areas of your life. So it's an unresolved trauma or pattern or conditioning that you've had from your past life.

So like, I would say that's another piece of advice is like, As an adult, take yourself on. Take your own inner work on, as you start to heal yourself, you're going to learn, you're going to release things like, Oh, I used to never listen because I felt unheard from my dad or my mom. So now when I heal that within me and I work on that, now I could be more present with my child so that they now feel heard.

And now you're breaking that, that pattern that has been going on for lineages.

You know, there's so many single people Aaron's out there. Um, that's with girls dads, with boys, women, moms, with girls and boys. And I think it can be quite difficult when you don't have a second parent as a backup. How do you. See, um, maintaining that balance between not always being the bad cop, you know, it's very, very difficult.

Um, when you are single parents too, because you're trying to make a, for the parent that's not there. So obviously you have to almost. Be the bad cop all the time. You never get a break. What's the importance of creating those spaces where you can actually just not be the bad cop, just be there in the moment with your child.

Because for me, I think that's so vitally important to create those moments. Very difficult when your kids are teenagers, because they don't really want to be around you. They want to be with their friends or lock themselves in their room and only come down. For when they starving. Um, you know, how important are those pockets of communication time when everybody's feeling in a good space?

Yeah. So what I would say to that is to realize, well, first and foremost, setting boundaries is important. So having that conversation with your child of like, Okay. And being open and honest about your feelings as a parent. I think a lot of times parents sort of like hide their feelings from their kids because I want to seem like I'm strong and I need to be this strong person for them so that they feel like they can rely and trust.

Trust me, right? When really I guarantee that if you get vulnerable and you're willing to cry in front of your kids, you're willing to share your deepest feelings with them. It's going to allow them to share their deepest feelings with you and feel more comfortable, which is going to create a deeper connection.

So if you can express to your child, Hey, listen, Mary, right? Like it's obvious that, you know, dad and I are now divorced and you know, it's just, when you're with me. It's just me. And so explain to them, like, I feel some, like, I don't like feeling like the bad cop, but also as a parent, it's my duty to make sure that you're safe and whatever.

So like let's create some boundaries. Right. And let them know, like if they cross a boundary or if they, if they upset you. Talk to them be like, Hey, can I talk to you for a moment, get permission from them and then share vulnerably, listen, you did this. And this is how I felt. Not from a place of blame, right?

But you can be accountable. I felt this way when you did this and let them know, listen, I'm not blaming you, but I want you to know that when, when you do this, it makes me feel this way. And you can even say, listen, this is a trauma. This is. This is a pattern that I have that's unresolved within me from my past.

So just know that, you know, although it's not because of you, it would support me. Right. And then you create that's what creates the connection. When you can create that connection with your child, they're going to want to be around you more. And then once they're in alignment with your boundaries, You're going to have that space now.

It's like, Oh, they're going to honor you. And you don't have to be the bad cop. Of course, there's going to be times where they get out of line cause they're kids. Right. And you check them on it. But it's most of the time, you're not going to have that freedom and that space to be able to be with them because they know where you're at and they know where you're standing.

And it's important to say, and if this boundary is crossed, like these are the potential consequences, and I would never recommend any physical consequences, but specifically like, Hey, like you're not going to be able to go out with your friends or this, that, and the other, because that's important as well.

Um, So, yeah, thanks. That's, that's very, very helpful. Um, another thing I wanted to ask you is, um, with your courses that you offer, you obviously do a lot of motivational speaking with teenagers and so on. Um, What, um, what do you think is the key to lift someone up from a dark hole when they a teenager and they are so depressed, they may be self-harming and they feel lost and they don't see any, um, why else, what would you say to anybody listening that has a child that's really battling with their mental health?

Um, Yeah, that's a great question. Um, I specifically have not dealt with a teen one-on-one, who was at least told me that, uh, something is that serious. However, I have a friend who's experiencing it right now, um, with her son and. Me. I'm just like, get them on the phone with, get on the phone, me like, um, cause I just feel that I can help and support any and everybody, is that realistic?

No, of course not. However that's how like, uh, confident I feel about it and I'm how passionate I am about it. Um, number one, I would, I always like to just, I mean, connection is. Is the key, like getting to down to their level and really just letting them know number one, they're not alone. Right. Other people have gone through this, relate to them, tell them about your struggles.

You're not, maybe they're cutting themselves and you've never done that, but you can relate to something else where you can. Once they see that you're also human and it's not just them. Right. Because typically what's happening in their mind is like, this is just me. I'm the weird one. I'm the mess up one.

Or like life is too overwhelming. I don't, I don't have a solution. Number two is, and I forget where I heard or read this, but they say that because you're still here, right. Most of the time. So we can educate them about like, it's your mind. That's not you. So separating yourself from your thoughts, your thoughts, and distancing and being the observer of them, and then realizing.

Wow. Although like my thoughts do consume me often. I still am in control. Why? Because I'm still here on this earth because if you lost complete control, you wouldn't be right. So it's like letting them know, like you do have power because maybe they might say, Oh, I'm powerless. Or I can't do this. Well, obviously you can do something because you're doing this right now.

You have the control to be here. You're alive. So then just moving the bar an inch at a time versus trying to get them from cutting to like this, you know, whatever the next Martin Luther King. And one second, it's not, it's not feasible. So letting them know that. And then the inch by inch is so important to make that progress each and every single day, because our habits are what create.

Are I, um, who we are and the results that we, that we, I'm sorry, our habits create the results in our life. Right? So if we want a certain result, you go back to the habits, but if you want to create effective habits, you got to shift your identity. So it's going into like, having them realize that I am not the thoughts.

Who, who do you want to be? Right. And then getting them to that space of like, W who's your ideal self before all of this happened? Who were you kind of like in my story. Okay. You still are. That is just your co it's covered up with all these different things. It's like, how can I just continue to Polish the gem until I remember who I am.

It's coming back to returning to love who we truly are.

Time, um, our teams make really big mistakes. Like we, we do as humans, we've all made mistakes and they get themselves into something and they find it really hard to get past that, which is similar to the previous situation. But I find that teenagers are really hard on themselves. And they find it really difficult to forgive themselves when they've slipped up or made a huge mistake or disappointed their parents.

Because I find that often the biggest thing is that disappointment that they feel that they such a disappointment.

What, what would you say to a parent that has a child that's really done something really bad and can't get over it. How do you, how do you pick your child up from feeling like they such a disappointment now? And your words seem so pointless because they, they don't believe it. Yeah. So the F the first thing that I would.

I would invite them to, to educate their child on, is that nothing is a mistake and everything is an opportunity. Right? So in order for you to be the most successful entrepreneur, to be the star athlete, you mean to tell me you went from zero to this star athlete without ever making a mistake? No, it's impossible.

So our mistakes help us to learn and. You know, it, it really all comes back to the connection that we can create with our child. Because if the connection's not there, then they're probably going to be like, whatever mom, you know, I've done it a bunch. And that's also where you can reach out to other people for support, right?

Like sign them up for a course, get them involved with a mentor because they're, they're looking for adult advocacy outside of the home. So it's like, who can I. Support them in finding that's going to help them in realizing these things. Um, again, as a parent coming from the space of like, how can I be accountable?

Like where, where, where is it? Where am I operating from a parent that's creating and contributing to this again, not from a place of I'm wrong or. Or I'm bad, but it's like, okay, where can I shift? And sometimes that requires getting support because you only know what, you know, you don't know what you don't know.

So. In order to discover what you don't know, you have to go to people who do know it. Um, and there was one other thing that I wanted to say, I'm trying to remember, um, Oh, it's a to be motivated. Oh, another thing I was gonna say is, you know, they feel the pressure to not like upset their parents or just the pressure in general that the world is, is, you know, from all the situations in the world is to let them know that there is no pressure to perform.

That's actually one of the biggest things as I was doing my research is that teens feel this pressure to perform. They already feel the pressure going from a kid, right? Because you go from a kid who you have no responsibilities at all. To all of a sudden you become a teenager. You're in high school, you know, you have older kids, you're the lowest class.

You're getting bullied. You have this responsibility to get good grades. Cause then you have college or you have to learn something because had a career. Then you have to start managing your finances on top of that. If you add the pressure to please your parents, it's just another thing. So it's like as a parent, how can I.

How can I relieve that pressure and let them know, like, listen, whatever you do, like do, as long as you're doing your best, like I'm here to support you and supporting them with the things that they do want to do as long as it's not causing them harm, if they want to go and be the next painter. Encourage them to do that, because guess what?

It's probably going to change in six months. You have to let you have to let them explore plenty, because what happens if you tell them, Oh, well, painters don't make that much money. They're starving artists, this and that. That's immediately going to put this thought in. Like I CA I'm unable, I'm incapable of doing something.

It's going to stunt their creativity and you're operating from a space of, I want to control because this is what I think is right. Right. So it's letting go of that control. And there's four survival contexts that we operate from the need to be, right. The need to be in control. They need to be comfortable slash safe and the need to look good.

So anytime you feel yourself operating right. Okay, how can I be accountable? Let me look at one of those four. What place am I acting from? And it's likely one of those. And it's like, okay, how can I shift that? So I can be in a space of, you know, whatever it is you want to bring forth. Is it love? Is it compassion?

Is it because ultimately if you want, if you want your child to be happy and successful, then support them in what makes them happy and successful? Not what you think is happy and successful for you. Um, But yeah, relating to the kids, let them know like, Hey, you're not the only one going through it. And really just being on their level is super important.

And then getting them a part of a community or a mentor that has also, um, You know, working in the same capacity and that's what I'm committed to creating within my eight week course, I have this group, this safe space and container that we have on an app called Slack. It's similar to a Facebook group, but it's, it's an app.

And we all communicate in there. We support each other. Hey, what are some of your wins? Hey, what are some of the things that you're struggling with? What questions do you have throughout the course? And it allows us to be vulnerable with each other. And it also allows the team to step up into their own leadership and support each other.

And ultimately my vision is to have these teams. Realize how effective and powerful this work is like I did. And then also give back and be in service to other teams just like them. We need more things like that in the world. We definitely do. We definitely. Yeah. And I can, I can definitely see in the near future supporting and creating a course and a community with parents as well, because I think that just naturally leads into it.

And, you know, kids don't have money to spend on a course. So ultimately the parent is going to be involved in some way typically, and they're going to want to know that this course is safe and that who I'm working with, I can trust and, and all of these things. So, um, Yeah. I mean, I know that you support the parent, you support the teen, and if you support the team, then you say you're supporting the parent as well.

And, um, yeah, it's, it's no one's responsibility. I always joke around. I'm like about my mom. I'm like, how come I had to be the one to learn this and then teach you. But it doesn't matter because once you, once you remember who you are and you'll have the tools and techniques to read. Come back to who you are.

You're going to have that courage, that confidence, that all of that coming from you. And so it's not scary anymore to talk to your mom and to look her in the eye and tell her that you love her and to inspire her to also take on the work and you guys heal together.

you know, the other thing is that I think it's important for, to also make sure that your teens understand that the choices they make now don't have to be forever. You know, they can change their mind. They can reinvent themselves so many times in the future. You know, it's not about making a decision now and I'm sticking to that for the rest of your life.

For instance, I, I started off, um, doing a teacher's degree, switched to nursing, and now, now I'm a therapist, so, you know, Uh, I find a lot of the teenagers with the pressures like you were talking earlier. I was so pressured to decide when they do their subject choices or when they're going to college and what are you going to be one day?

And they can't decide what makes them feel inadequate hundred percent. If you don't know who you are internally, how can you know what you want to externally? That's why we're always going from job to job, to job. So again, going back to, if we. Can get this, ER, as we get this work to the teens earlier and you know, four or five, six years old, there's so certain with who they are inside.

Yeah. They might go from here to there. Oh, I'm going to try this. I want to try this, but they do it in confidence. So whatever they do, they're going to be successful. So we don't have to worry and doubt. Are they going to. Do well, are they not, should I tell them to go into this? Should I tell them not to go in that they'll know on their own, as a parent, our job is to raise them and to be safe, to, to be safe and to support them and be successful, you know, not to control, not to, you know, worry.

We shouldn't have to worry. And I know that we're in a time right now, where there's a bunch of stuff going on where it's like, worry, worry, worry, worry. And this is the opportunity for us to actually break through that because we've been worrying for years, all that the news shows his fear and worry. So as we can break through and be like, no, I'm safe.

I'm whole, I'm complete. And. We are as when we come together at community and as I heal myself internally, Our immune system is we're all powerful as beings. So we don't need anything outside of us, in my opinion, you know, that only just enhances it. So I think this is a great opportunity to step into. A new paradigm, a new way of thinking as a community, as a society and the new earth, right.

As Eckerd totally talks about in his new book, it's here. And we might have to go through some turmoil, but this is, this is part of it. Um, I kind of went off a little bit, but I wanted to come back to what you were talking about. Oh yeah. So to have to have the thought of, as a teen, like, Oh, I did this in the past.

It's like, what? As human beings in general, even for parents, we identify as soon as we do something from the past, it's like, Oh, I did this. That means I am this forever, but that means I'm I'm. I made this mistake. It's like, I'm a mess up. I'm a bad parent forever. And it's not true. It's not true. You are who you are in the present moment.

That's the only real moment. And for you to be able to create a new future for yourself, a new identity, you must be willing to let go of the past because if we keep it. If we keep thinking about the past, we're keeping those thoughts going in our head, even if it's subconsciously and then what do we do?

We bring the subconscious thoughts into the present moment and we just recreate our past. So how do I create a new future is to be present in the moment and actually to think new thoughts that are, and visualize new thoughts that are in alignment with what I want to create. So that's another great tool for a parent is like, Stop thinking about what you don't want.

Oh, I don't want my kid to be this, this and this. I don't want to do this anymore as a parent. No. Like what do you want to create and visualize feel it in your body. And feel it like the day that your kid comes up to you and says, I love you again, the day that this happens and feel it in your body, that's how you create, that's the magic and the superpower that we have that is not taught to us and should be taught to us.

And I'll just leave it at that. That's so true. You know, it all boils down to the fact that we live in a, a thought created reality. And, um, you know, we have to always be kind. Yeah, absolutely. Well, I think, um, gosh, that was a brilliant discussion. And thank you so, so much, Andrew for joining me, it's been an absolute pleasure.

So much has been said that I think, um, anyone out there listening is going to really find value, um, to it. And I just want to say that I'm going to add the link to your course. If anybody's interested, I can just look that up. Perfect. I do want to add something just in case, cause I know people like to leave as the ending comes.

Um, I do want to add this. Anyone who's listening to your podcast right now, I'm going to put a special promotion link. For all of you for 80% off the course for any, any parent who has a team that they would like to be a part of this course. And you know, if, again, asking permission, talking to your teen about, you know, what are they discovering, what their pain points are, what their struggles are and what they, what they want for themselves and their future.

And then, and then saying, Hey, if I. This is the simplest way to support somebody into getting what they want. Hey, if I told you that I had a potential solution for you, Mary, would you be, would you be interested in learning more? And if she's like, yeah, I would love to. Yeah, of course. I want to, of course I want to create what I just said that I want, of course I want to break through what I just said that I'm struggling with.

And once they say that, be like, okay, awesome. I'd love to connect you on a call with Andrew and we can get on a call and we can talk about with you and your team about, or even just your team. Because sometimes the team doesn't want to share deep, like deeper details with the parent there and I can discuss with them, Hey, what are you struggling with?

What do you need support with? And then letting them know if I think the course is a fit for them to get what they say, what they want in their life. So yeah, 80% off. Um, they can reach out to you. They can reach out. I can reach out to you. They can reach out to me since I'm tagged in the video again, uh, on Instagram, I elevate with Andrew and, uh, message me.

We can get on a call discovery call. And from there, if you're interested, I'll give you the promo code.

So that brings us to the end of the 20th episode of the waves of clarity. I hope you enjoyed listening to Andrew's passion about children and what he does and his whole ethic Grady about and his ethos about what he does is really inspiring. And without trying to sound like too much of a cliche, I'd like to say, remember, it's okay.

Not to be okay. You don't have to hide your emotions. If you're struggling with your own mental health and feeling a lack of motivation, then talk to somebody it's so important. And that is the first step. In feeling better. And as you've probably picked up by now, I really love my quotes. So I'm going to read you a quote today and hopefully this will be able to inspire you to keep on going.

The quote is by Charles F Kettering. And it says keep ongoing. And the chances are that you will stumble on something, perhaps when you are least expecting it. I never heard of anyone ever stumbling on something sitting down. So keep on everyone. You might just stumble on something extraordinary

It can seem incredibly difficult helping teens through low moods and depression. This guided meditation (part of episode 19) can be downloaded for free to use whenever you wish.

Tracy can be contacted as follows:

Website: www.tracykimberg.com

Phone: 07928 154054

Facebook: www.facebook.com/Tracy.Kimberg.Counselling.Therapy.Coaching/

Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/tracy-kimberg-9564a3193/

Instagram: www.instagram.com/tracy_kimberg_hypnotherapist/

It can seem incredibly difficult helping teens through low moods and depression. In this episode, Tracy Kimberg brings you ten tips you can use to guide you and your teenager through challenging times.

This episode is also followed by a guided meditation, which you can download for free and use whenever you wish.

Tracy refers to two books:

Beyond The Blues - Lisa M Schab

The Feeling Good Handbook - Dr. David Burns

Tracy can be contacted as follows:

Website: www.tracykimberg.com

Phone: 07928 154054

Facebook: www.facebook.com/Tracy.Kimberg.Counselling.Therapy.Coaching/

Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/tracy-kimberg-9564a3193/

Instagram: www.instagram.com/tracy_kimberg_hypnotherapist/

A meditation to help let go of stress and worry.

Website: www.tracykimberg.com

Phone: 07928 154054

Facebook: www.facebook.com/Tracy.Kimberg.Counselling.Therapy.Coaching/

Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/tracy-kimberg-9564a3193/

Instagram: www.instagram.com/tracy_kimberg_hypnotherapist/

Tracy continues on her theme of raising teenagers, focusing on the pressures of self harm. This episode offers advice and actions to take if you suspect your child is suffering.

Following the main episode, there is a meditation especially designed to address any stress from the issues raised in the podcast.

For help with any issues raised in this podcast, or for a free initial consultation, contact Tracy:

Website: www.tracykimberg.com

Phone: 07928 154054

Facebook: www.facebook.com/Tracy.Kimberg.Counselling.Therapy.Coaching/

Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/tracy-kimberg-9564a3193/

Instagram: www.instagram.com/tracy_kimberg_hypnotherapist/

My name is Tracy Kimberg. And as a mother of three, I decided to start this podcast to shed some light on subjects that I encountered in my life. And to help people understand their own teenagers better, and even their own relationship, what their family members would say, partners. And of course, with their children.

This is episode 17 and, Oh my goodness. Everything is slowly but surely returning back to normal schools have started. And we, as parents are able to get a little bit more time to ourselves in between the school runs there and back from school. Have you heard the term self-harming or cutting self-harming or cutting is something that is happening more often than you think.

And of course, if anything in today's discussion resonates with you as a parent or with somebody that, you know, then please get in touch. Oh, sent them my number, send me an email and we can set up an appointment and I'd love to help you work through it. We all feel as parents that our role is to keep our children safe.

So few things trigger a more immediate panic reaction in parents. When they find out that a child is engaging in self harm. Unfortunately, it's fairly common. And the reaction of the parent plays a very, very important role in helping teams in the recovering process, cutting into the skin. Is the most widely known form of self-harm teens do this using their fingernails, razorblades knives, or even pen caps, anything sharp self harm can also come in forms of other behavior like burning skin, picking hair pulling, or even hitting oneself kids with anxiety, depression.

Eating disorders, borderline personality disorders or post-traumatic stresses orders are all at risk for self harm, but some are kids with a history of trauma, neglect, or abuse. Other potential risks for self harm include low self-esteem feeling rejected or lonely feeling unsafe at school or at home perfectionistic behavior frequent conflicts with friends or family.

Impulsive behavior or tendency to take unhealthy risks. The sounds like any teenager, I'm sure. So, how do I know if my team is engaging in self-harm? Well, teens who self-harm tend to be skilled at hiding their behavior from their parents, because they're embarrassed. They hide it from their parents, their friends, and other adults in their lives.

While some parents might notice scars or marks on the teens, arms, torso, or legs, many of the red flags of South home. Tend to be very subtle. The subject might trigger some serious, um, discomfort, or maybe even concerns with you. And I do invite you. If anything that you listen to today, uh, makes you feel worried about your child.

Then please get in touch with me. You can get hold of me on email tracy@tracykimberg.com or you can give me a phone call. My telephone number will be in the notes of the podcast, but most importantly, I would like you to listen very carefully at how you as a parent can handle the situation so that it doesn't get worse.

It is perfectly natural to feel very worried. And overwhelmed or even furious and angry. If you discover that your team is using self-harm to cope with their emotions, you might feel an urge to say something like you could, how could you do this to yourself or stop doing this immediately? It's important to remember that most teens who engage in self harm are just as afraid of their behavior, as you are mainly feel extreme guilt.

Shame and deeper Morse after they self-harm, it's so important to remain very calm and engage in open and honest communication without judgment snapping criticisms and overreactions will probably result in your team shutting down completely. And isolating herself even more instead and ask open-ended questions about why your team is feeling so sad or overwhelmed and what the contributing factors are to the behavior.

And be very sure to let your teenage know that you as their parent are there to listen and that you love them no matter what, it's very important that you get help. If your team is engaging in self-harm, he or she needs professional help, those self-harm is generally not considered suicidal in nature.

There is an elevated risk of suicidal behavior, 14 to self harm. If there is an underlying mental health disorder, such as anxiety or depression, sometimes it's better to get help for your teenager. A good first step is to get a comprehensive evaluation done by. A professional sometimes, um, your teen self harm behavior can elevate and it can become life-threatening.

And in these situations, your child might even need to go to hospital. Therapy definitely helps teens work through the triggers that contribute to the negative thought patterns and it helps them learn positive coping skills to use instead of engaging in self harm behaviors. So, um, I would suggest to seek.

Help from a professional and, um, you know, that can definitely help your teenage learn how to cope better. Some of the therapies that work or even family therapy to explore triggers at home and how the parents and teens can improve their communication patterns and help develop better coping skills for dealing with the stress that might be coming from home.

Also individual therapy can help the team to challenge the negative and distressing thoughts and recognize the patterns of negative thinking and learn different replacement strategies. Also learning how to tolerate uncomfortable emotions, better to learn, to regulate feelings of anxiety, rejection, anger, and fear, and learn positive coping skills.

Of course for us as parents, our most important role here is to provide emotional support for your team when they are self-harming. They need your support as they slowly but surely learn to replace their maladaptive coping strategies with adaptive ones and work through the emotional pain. Breaking the cycle is not always easy.

And teens need so much empathy from us and compassion during the recovery process. Yes.

So what triggers self home? Yeah. In teens you might want to know, and this is not really an easy answer. An important part of helping teams recover from self-harm is understanding why they do it in the first place. There isn't a simple answer to the question, as I said, but in general, some teams use self home to relieve the tension by stimulating endorphins, um, while others use self harm to feel physical pain, instead of emotional numbness.

Stress and pressure, anxiety and oppression are all associated with self harm in adolescence. Um, they might be a few other feelings that trigger the impulse to engage in self harm. A few of those for instance, are anger, sadness, rejection by their peers or their ad or other adults loneliness.

Irritability, social issues, family discord, um, sometimes even social media use, including videos. Yeah. Photos that show other kids cutting to cope with emotional pain. The important thing to remember is. Um, the teams who engage in this behavior often describe a temporary feeling of relief, but it also results in an overwhelming feeling of guilt and shame.

So what are the warning signs of, um, Self-harm and how can you look out for these signs? There are a couple of signs, but I always say to parents, trust your instincts. Are you seeing suspicious looking scars wounds that don't heal or get worse? Is your child isolating itself? Are you talking about self-injury and they might mention to them about their peers that are engaging in self-harm.

Are they collecting or are you findings, um, sharp objects around their room? Are they being secretive about their behavior? Oh, have they, all of a sudden started wearing long sleeves and long pants or trousers in hot weather? Are they avoiding social activities? Are they wearing lots of weird bandages and plasters?

And are they avoiding sports or activities where there might have to change clothes in front of others? And again, I'd like to stress. If you are worried that your team might be engaging in self harm behavior, then please get help or contact me. And we can have a discussion and see where I can help you.

But how can you as a parent help your team? That's self homes. Teens who self-harm are usually depressed and overwhelmed by anxiety, stress, and pressure. So they also tend to be very skilled in hiding their pain from their friends, their parents, their teachers, and their coaches. And they can. Probably, um, postings anonymously online to find support and, um, a community that will support them.

If they find a recovery community, they can share their experiences through journaling messaging, or perhaps even art. This can be helpful for teens. But if on the other hand, they stumble upon a community that supports the self-harm behavior. It can result in the teen feeling helpless and continuing the behavior.

Teens who self-harm need treatment. That is the bottom line. And the first step is to seek help from someone who knows what they're doing. Either a therapist, a psychotherapist or psychiatrist. Um, but you can't just ignore the issue depending on the underlying triggers and emotions beneath the Selma pharm behaviors.

There are different types of therapies and interventions that we as therapists use. So, um, you know, it's definitely important to get the help.

You know, it's so easy to blame social media for everything, but there is a lot of talk that social media can trigger self home. Despite the efforts of social media sites, to curb posting images and videos and other disturbing content that actually promotes or normalize the self harm. There are very clear guidelines now.

And. This is a step in the right direction. The problem, however, is that it's very easy to decline the offer and proceed to the potentially triggering content, which is out there. Teens sometimes turn to social media to find support, but they also turn to social media to validate and feel normal in their self-harm.

There are hashtags specifically created to help people who self harm support one another in making positive choices when they feel the urge. But there are also so many hashtags out there that show some fairly disturbing content. Given that the teens are savvy on social media, much more than us as parents.

They also create new hashtags to get around the band hashtags or hashtags that are watched by social media sites while hashtag self-harm might be on the radar for the social media sites. Self-harm with back a couple of extra M's at the end might not be. Yes. It is very difficult to draw a definite link between social media and, um, teens that self-harm without enough data, but self harm, hashtags and communities online certainly can try and normalize the behavior.

Unfortunately, these are the real things that we have to look out for as parents. But I'd like to give you a few points that you can take home with you today and remember how you can help your child cope when they are overwhelmed and not having a good time. Mentally, number one is make time to connect with your child.

One-to-one when it's just you and everybody is relaxed and willing to talk and be open and honest with each other. Number two is keep your team busy, even if it's giving them, um, things to do or taking them out, highlight the things that they like doing, especially when they are in a high pressure schedule at school.

Find ways for them to slow down and decrease their commitments at school, by engaging in things that they enjoy. And, um, they can forget about their pressures. Number three is encourage your team to connect with positive and supportive friends. And not go to social media where there is often things that they actually don't need to hear and not the right support and before is try and practice relaxing activities together.

Go for a walk, um, journal. Um, Do drawing use a mindfulness app and, you know, give them the things that they need to do this. Get them a nice journal with some nice colorful pens. For instance, number five. Is exercise. They need to get outdoors and exercise, especially now with lockdown, where the children have been cooped up at home and not being able to socialize with your friends, try and encourage them to at least go for a walk every day and take part in exercise as much as they can.

Number six, your team creates a list of people to call or text when they feel overwhelmed, explain to them that this is their emergency contact list. When they feel down. It could be a sibling. It could be a grandparent. It could even be a teacher or one of their friends that are inclined to actually lift them up because sometimes teens are unaware of toxic friendships that actually bring them down, encourage them to evaluate those friendships and actually write the names down of the people that are uplifting.

Number seven is acknowledge your teens pain and validate your teens. Emotions just is so important. We all know what it feels dark when we don't. And sometimes you just want someone that is going to validate how you feeling and not try and make you feel even worse. By telling you that you shouldn't feel like that it's by allowing them to feel these emotions and by just being a support system and therefore them showing them unconditional love and support number eight.

It's be patient. It will take time to break these negative cycles. And I know sometimes one does lose patients and you want things to happen immediately. We all want our children to be safe and we feel frustrated when they are engaging in behaviors that. Or unhelpful to them and you worry about their future and their success of their future, but just show patience and understanding and tell them that no matter how long it takes, you will be there for them every step of the way.

And then the last one. Is reach out to the school counselor to assist them at school or the class tutor and make them aware that your child is battling at the moment so that they are more understanding and can keep an eye out for your child while they are not at home. With early identification and professional support and supportive home and school environments, teenagers can learn to use positive strategies to cope with very complex, negative emotions and work through their triggers.

And as parents remember, we are all doing the best we can and sometimes. Well, you have to remember that we aren't perfect either and that we all make mistakes. Our children make mistakes. We make mistakes, but our mistakes do not define who we are and they are not who we are. As people be kind to yourself, have self compassion with yourself and with your team.

And this brings up us too. Oh, meditation part, which is of course my favorite part of the podcast, because I know that I can help. So many of you that are listening, relax, find calmness and peace. So remember, you can't do this while you're driving. So if you are press pause, if you're not, then I'm sure you've already got your blankets.

You've struggled up. Very cozy in your chair, on your bed and you ready to enjoy this hypnotherapy relaxation session.

COVID number from one to 10 of how stressed you are right now. And remember that number in your head. Before you start and then go ahead and close your eyes. Take a nice deep letting go breath already. Beginning to relax both body and mind. Relax the top of your head. Relax your forehead, smoothing out any creases, relax the tiny muscles in your eyes.

Extra Cho. Pitting at hanger and Slack. And as you create that space in your jaw, you send a message to the rest of your body that it's safe for it to relax, relax your shoulders. Relax, your arms all the way through to your fingertips. Relax your torso. Breathing easily. Really releasing your stomach. Relax your legs.

All the way down through to the bottoms of your feet, begin to imagine the color, your favorite color, the one you love forming above your head and say that color out loud, imagining that color flowing into the top of your head at the same time, all the way through your body and out through the bottoms of your feet.

Down into the sane, Sophia color, relaxing you cleansing you and releasing you color, taking you all the way down, deep, down, and relaxed. Repeating your mind off to me. I'm safe. I'm calm. And I choose to be here. And say the cut of your love as it flows in through the top of your head and all the way through your body, out through the bottoms of your feet and down, down into the center of the earth, double your relaxation with each decreasing number you hear now.

And repeat after me 10, I'm going deeper. Nine I'm going deeper. I'm coming deeper and deeper seven. I'm going deep, six deep,

deep, four deep. Maybe I'm going deep to ongoing deeper. And one now I'll say that color you love. And imagine it again, find through your head all the way through your body, cleansing you out through the bottoms of your feet, down into the center of the earth. And when I count down from three to one and snap my fingers, whatever it is, that's, what's causing you stress.

And a feeling of being stuck will appear. Maybe it's a limiting belief. Maybe it shows up as a wrong, whatever it is in that way. You just imagine it in your head. And when I count down from three, whatever it is is going to appear three. Going deeper, two, trusting it to come to you. And why just notice what it is, notice what it was what's causing you to feel stressed and stuck.

Just notice it, notice the frustration that was created as a direct result of the block with the stuckness or the stress.

And take a deep breath. And in this moment, when you notice your frustration, Allow yourself to become relaxed,

unless you're focused on your deep relaxation, where you feel completely relaxed throughout your whole body.

I would like you to think of what it is that's making you feel stuck. What's making you feel stressed. And frustrated. And I would like you to imagine putting it in a glass jar with a very tight lid, COEs, the lid rate, he tight. And as I count from three to one, you will make sure that that lead is fairly tightly closed.

Three. Tight to very tight and one, and the lead is very tightly shot.

And then in your front of you is a very calm stream of Okta.

And you notice that the water is very bright affecting the sunlight flowing very firmly, but calmly away. And you walk toward the river with your jar and Jude and open the led. And you let your stress and anxiety and frustrations flow into the revise. You let it release itself and you notice yourself flowing.

You notice a shift within yourself as you take a deep breath in and out, releasing all the stress into the water as it flows away.

And I want you to repeat after me.

I'm free to do what I want, how I want when I want everything works out. Exquisitely, everything works out better than planned. Everything arrives at perfect timing, everything. Always works out for me. My life is like a river constantly in motion. Feel the transformation within you, as you feel the movement, feel things begin to flow, feel how you become unstuck

and as the transformation takes place. You feel a deep within you and you just let it all flow around you in you episode, being the peace, soaking up the peace

and repeat after me now. I trust all is well welcome. Gifts are welcome. Mary Coles. I welcome. Peace, welcome happiness. And I trust that everything is working in my favor.

Now imagine a damn wall bursting in front of you and the water flowing forward in a huge, big rush. So much water, so much energy, so much. Opportunity. So much positivity and freedom and happiness feeding lights. And of course you're feeling peaceful at the same time. Notice yourself with the big smile on your lips.

As you feel this deep release of energy within you,

he can start coming back now, moving your feet. Moving your hips, moving your arms and your fingers. Feel the energy returning into your body.

Five, coming back to the space and time six, even more seven. Even more energy coming into you, eight feeling great and nine and 10 stretch your arms out. And now go ahead. I think about the starting number that you had and think about your finishing number, where are your stress levels? Now

notice how you are super calm and relaxed. Done being stressed and stuff.

And remember it's important to stay calm, stay focused, and stay relaxed and not get overwhelmed by thoughts. And emotions that control your life. You have the ability to control how you react to different thoughts and different emotions. Take a deep breath and just enjoy this peaceful moment.

I should just lie or sit calmly with yourself, feeling completely unstuck. I hope you enjoy that.

Have a lovely week and don't forget to follow me on social media, Tracy. Kimberg. Therapist. And of course I would love to hear some reviews on how you find the meditation, how your stress levels come down when you do these meditations, and please share them and let more people enjoy the benefits of these meditations and put costs.

Siri Arti talks about her own Starchild Yoga™️ and offers an exclusive précis of her new Young And Wise programme, with five tips on dealing with teenage overhwelm and depression.

Siri can be found on Instagram here: https://www.instagram.com/siriarti/?hl=en 

For help with any issues raised in this podcast, or for a free initial consultation, contact Tracy:

Facebook: www.facebook.com/Tracy.Kimberg.Counselling.Therapy.Coaching/

Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/tracy-kimberg-9564a3193/

Instagram: www.instagram.com/tracy_kimberg_hypnotherapist/

Website: www.tracykimberg.com

Welcome to another episode of the waves of clarity. I'm so excited about everything happening outside. Everything seems to be coming alive and I just love spring summer, watch on my walk every day. I notice the tiny differences that happen and I've even adventured into. Going for a sea swim twice already, which has been absolutely freezing, but so enjoyable and has just made me more exciting about the weather that is definitely changing.
This week, my guest is Siri Arti, and she is an incredible woman that has got a deep passion for helping teenagers. Find happiness. Teenagers can be really complicated, but if you look deep within them, they are just like us human beings that want to be loved and accepted. If you find that you feeling very frustrated and overwhelmed with your relationship with your teenager, that is not what it should be.
Then please get in touch. It's okay to talk to somebody about it and maybe just get a different perspective and perhaps even if necessary, find the help that you need. I think as parents, we all would love to have the feeling of accomplishment and success in achieving harmony and positive communication with our children.
And it's not impossible. It is definitely possible. Siri does amazing things with teenagers. Um, and I'm not going to give too much away. She's going to tell you all about it in a minute. Um, but she's also a teacher, a mother, a trainer, an author, a students, and she calls herself an adventure as well. Which sounds really exciting.
I like that part. Sorry. Um, when I was reading your bio, um, it really struck me how. Um, you obviously have fallen in love with what you do and you know, if someone has a passion for something and that they're doing, um, must really come from the heart. And I think then you really can change people's lives profoundly.
Tell me a bit about this passionate love and this, um, mate for life is the relationship that you have with yoga. Oh, Tracy. Thank you so much for having me inviting me to it's an honor to, to be on your podcast. Gosh that, yeah, I, I heard a lot in those few minutes of you introducing me. Um, I agree that as I get older, I seem to become more adventurous.
In fact, I'm more adventurous now than I've been for about 20 years. I think my journey with yoga. And, and the fact that it's been a lifelong, not lifelong, but a longterm quite intimate relationship is because I found, um, this very, uh, personal path to myself. And it's been, uh, it's been about 30, 30 plus years.
I've been exploring yoga on and off, mostly on and then off. But I have had periods where I haven't practiced. And it just keeps revealing more and more of myself to myself. And that speaks to me of authenticity and authenticity is something that I try to bring to young people, especially the adolescent age group and young adults.
Um, Where there may be feel more lost. Um, yeah, so I think the journey why I've been so enameled with it and it's because it's like Pete, the peeling of an onion, you know, and I don't feel like I'm anywhere near the center because I don't know if more layers keep coming, but, um, yeah. I find the journey of yoga, very adventurous, um, and fulfilling and yeah.
But that's a personal journey, but then the work I do through the medium of yoga has just been, I can't even put that into where it's just so, so enriching as well. I'm going to make you put it in words, because that's my next question. I think we both have something in common when we, where we really want to help teens or adolescents feel authentically themselves and loved and just.
Perfect because there are, you know, we all perfect and imperfectly. Perfect. I'd like to say nobody's actually at a hundred percent perfect, but we all unique. And what is it exactly you do with your yoga, with the teams? I think the word exactly. I can't, I can't really answer, um, because it's such a. Um, Oh, okay.
So when, what I've learned is when I said before, I'm a young person or a group of young people, or a school or an organization, or just a single, you know, one-on-one session with the young person, I have to meet whatever. It's present in that young person. So there are dip into this kind of decades of knowledge base and skills, and it's like looking in a sweetie sharp, you know, w what, what, what can I reach for, that's going to meet this person, um, in this moment.
So it's not an exact thing. I don't, I don't do something exactly. I'm an extremely intuitive, that's absolutely brilliant because nobody is the same, you know? And, um, I think that you have to adapt your session just like I do with each client. I mean, you can't be too rigid and structured. You, you need to actually connect with that person in front of you or that group of people.
I agree. I think we, um, we'll probably rebel that we have a lot in common as we get to know each other, Tracy, but I'm just thinking maybe you're asking me what exactly do I do rather than like, how, how am I with young people? And I say that I'm a yoga teacher. Teacher am a yoga teacher trainer, and I'm a yoga therapist.
So there's a lot of yoga in there, but also what's, I think for me, what's beyond that is my teaching capacity. So I'm also a teacher like a, um, And earlier as Montessori educator and my whole fascination and curiosity with people has been around how to meet them and then how to bring them to themselves.
So, although I am yoga, yoga, yoga, um, very much teacher teacher, teacher, um, but from, from an unschooling point of view, so from a very non authoritative, but, you know, cautiously guiding. Kind of way. And tell me, sorry, I didn't give you this question. It just came to my mind and I think I'm going to ask it to you.
What is it about your story? That has made you so connect. So with these youngsters personal, and also, I don't know if you know this Tracy, but at the moment I'm in the process of doing a training with trauma was what is it called? The healing of trauma or the wisdom of trauma through the compassionate inquiry process.
And, um, So I'm kind of, it's a four day training and I'm sitting in us at the moment. So that question is, is pretty, um, uh, it's really spot upon. It's really, um, perfect because, so I created a modality of teacher training called star child yoga, which you've read about, and that is really. The bulk of what I do.
So I certify adults to work with young people in the capacity of a yoga instructor and why that came to be was from the lack in my, in my childhood. And that's not to say that my mom and dad were anything other than grades. They did the best they could, but, um, there were a lot of things missing and that's created a real, a real imperfection in me, an unworthiness, lack of lovability and all the things that are making my body shake right now.
And when I became a mother and then a single parents, I just thought if I could wave a magic wand and let her touch every single child on the planet. What would I bring? And I created this modality, which is star child yoga, which has a mixture of education and yoga to basically help children feel whole, just like they belong.
So it, it, it definitely came from a lack, from a lack, you know, from a real, nothing specific happened to me as a child, but there was, you know, I think that's so important because you will have an understanding, which is what. These children need, they need to be understood. Thank you for sharing that. That was really, I'm sorry that I just threw that in there and it just came in at the moment.
That's fine. The next question is the program. Let's call it a program that you do with, with these children. What is the transformation that you see? If you can walk me through. Like almost like a case study where someone walks in and, and I'm happy to walk you through a kind of a case study or situation, but I think I just want you to know that, um, I don't necessarily look longterm.
Like when I working with, um, a person I'm very, very, I'm acutely aware that it's all about the moment. So if I can bring a person to the present moments. And in their person moments, I can have a transmission of you are enough, you know, that this is where it's at. Um, Just for one moment for me. That's that is the gift.
That is, that is my gift. Um, so that happens too through this technology that I've created through all the skills that I've learned. So I just wanted you to know that, like, I don't have a term approach with people. I just sit with them in the moment and in the moments, um, If there can be one moment of, of magic, then that becomes a point of reference for them.
Then 10 years down the line, they will remember there was at one moment was serious. You were just so completely held. So that's like, that's important to me that people understand. I don't have like, um, a planning procedure with, with people.
I think what's.
What, um, what happens is step by step through the practice of body, kind of it's all about movement is sematic. So it's movement in the body and awareness. So it's mindfulness and body ultimately dropping the mind into the body, brings us to the present moment and with teenagers. They would be very seldom a moments in their day that they feel present or even connected to this third dimensional body.
Um, So that's really what I'm, I'm holding space for that to happen, you know, through the practice of the movements and my holding the container and the technique of dropping down, dropping down, dropping down really gently, a gentle, compassionate inquiry. Yeah. I'm just, um, sharing with them a moment to be present with themselves.
Um, you know, in today's society, I find that with everything that the children are exposed to the teenagers, I don't know. Um, I know they don't like being called teen children when they're teenagers, but, um, let's call them the adolescents, the young adults when they are, um, in involved in the world. Like it is now, it's so overwhelming.
You know, they have little time to actually, like you say, just be in touch with what they want. What they can do. They so pressured to just conform to what everybody else wants, what everybody else says. You know, I'll have a daughter she's turning 16 soon and. At the moment she has to make this very important life choice to decide what subjects she needs to take for a levels.
And if she wants to go to a levels and what are you going to be when you grown up or what you're going to study at university. And it's very overwhelming, you know? Um, and just for them to take that time to be quiet and listen. And like you said, I love that word. You said being held. Wow. You know, that's so that's what they need.
Yeah. I mean, they need a lot and need a lot. I think they need a lot more than what we are currently, what, what society is currently offering them. Um, and I agree with you. I mean, I think for me, what I see a lot of is this rumination, this overthinking this either living in the, in the past or in the future, but very seldom, um, are the clients that I work with or my children or the peer group that you know, is an extension of my children's.
Um, my children's peer groups, very seldom. Do you have a conversation with, um, a young person who. Is totally present, you know, with like an accountable and grant. I mean, grounded, like there is just this, this real lack headiness, you know, that's just, I'm quite disconnected from the body often. And. And yeah.
I mean, obviously that breeds enormous anxiety and long-term, you know, that can lead to depression. So, and I think you and I both know, and the world knows we're in this epidemic, proportion of depression and anxiety, and yet people. So, yeah, I just, sometimes I would just want to stand on their feet, you know, like ground them into the earth.
And a lot of, I talk a lot about the earth and with my, um, beautiful young. So it is hard to find a word, right? Because adolescence is awful. Teenagers is like teenagers. Don't like to be called teenagers. So I racked my brain for my next program, which I've been creating for three years and I've called it young and wise.
And sometimes people miss here. And I think I'm saying young and wild, and I actually think it's both, they are wild, but they have an inherent wisdom in them. So that's why I kind of always shorten it to young people. But what I'm meaning is young and wise, which is this population for me, that is like from 13 to 24, Which is actually adolescents 12 to 24 is an adolescent.
So yeah, which is even becoming a younger, you can even move that number down because also, um, Y because of social media and things that they exposed to. Very bad. And then it gives us, um, I remember reading something that you said that you love sitting down and talking to them and just listening and that's, that's, that's the key, you know, People often think that they've got nothing to say.
They're not really listening to the two that age group. And they've got so much to say, and I think they need to be listened to more. That's the thing. Yeah. I mean, I think Casey, this week, I love this, um, this understanding that, um, you know, young people. For me, they are so interesting that, I mean, I'm not passionate about this age group.
There's 12 to 24 age group because I find them absolutely fascinating. Like when you sit down and you really kind of present with young people and you get them talking and I don't know why, but they'd talk to me. I mean, I, I hear everything from young people. More than I sometimes ask for, but I just find them absolutely riveting, you know, like they are the most creative, like that population of it's the most creative your mind is ever going to be like, when you get to 30, 40, 50, you never going to have that vibrant creativity that you had when you were 20 or 16 or 18, or, and I think adults really forget that.
When they, when an adult calm be present with themselves. They're never going to see that beauty, you know, in, in the young person sitting opposite, then they're just gonna know young people get such a bad rep. They just get like delinquents, you know, they get called all these things, drug, like all the negativity is only because I think adults can be so scared to really sit with it.
I mean, I, I am privy to drugs. Like the stories that I hit, the sexual. Kind of just the things I've been told and I just sit down and listen and, um, but still I never ever, ever see that person who's talking to me in an, in a negative light. Like, I don't know. I just have this capacity to see the illumination dislike brightness.
Um, even, even in the most depressed young person that I've worked with. I still see this cool. I dunno like a star, you know, star child, this, and that's what I work with. I just go in and I work with a tight, even if it's a tiny little flame inside of them, you know, that's, that's what I connect with. Hi, my name is Fiona and I'm recording this.
Um, in respect of, uh, the need for help for teenagers, um, mental health. Um, I met Tracy a couple of years ago. Um, when my daughter was really struggling with her mental health following, um, bullying at school, um, Tracy undertook 10 sessions with her, um, of therapy. And I have to say she's absolutely, truly amazing.
She is one of the comments. Kindest people. I know, in fact, I think I'd probably say she's some almost serene, um, if I'm to be, and she turned my daughter's life around, she gave her coping strategies ways to manage her anxiety, helped her to rebuild herself. Same. Um, and during to a happy, confident, um, teenager here is now, um, after college, um, admittedly, when these strange times of COVID, um, because of the strategies that she's learned from Tracy, because of the help she had, um, she's managing to thrive.
Quite COVID. Um, I know the strategies that Tracy has given her. She's also used herself to town friends, and I think that that will be something that will stay with her lifelong. Um, I'd just like to say thank you, Tracy, because thanks to you. My daughter is, um, an amazing human being. If you are worried about your teenager's mental health, I would ask.
They strongly encourage you to consider a therapy for your child. It's can make such a difference in their lives.
If you could give, um, the people listening to parents, um, and they say might be some young people listening, five top tips on how they can deal with, um, Feeling that they are overwhelmed and anxious and maybe even depressed. Yeah. Actually you mentioned this, actually, I've listened to a few of your podcasts and I've heard that you asked this question and it's the only one I kind of gave a bit of thought to.
Because I taught in here quite late actually. And I have given this some thought and, and actually it's really beautiful because if I could pray, see my whole young and wise program and summarizes, it will be these five points. So I'm going to give you the nuggets of my entire training that hasn't even been published and released yet.
So basically they five words and that is move. Think, feel. Connect communicate. And for those parents who are listening and actually pertinent to everybody, to every single one of us, whatever age, these are kind of the five parameters of my teacher training. And actually, I didn't realize, I mean, I know that because I've written the teacher training.
Um, so the movement is. Moving the body. So it's a physicality. So if you ask for five points, you know, towards wellbeing, it's like, Moving the body, but I want to be really clear that it has to be a movement that makes your heart sing. So I'm not here to say everybody should do yoga because it may not be your jam.
Like it just happens to be mine. Um, so movement would be anythings like hula hooping dancing. I told my daughter who's 20 yesterday. Get your roller skates and roller skates through Bristol. Like. And that makes your heart sing. You know, don't go and pound the pavements of London. If you hate running, like I'm just, you know, I believe anyway, and move your body, do something that makes your heart sing.
Um, moving the body is of paramount importance because of the connection with the mind and body. And then thing is the mental capacity. So it's thinking about the mind and what I'm saying here is. Befriend your mind, like befriend your mind, like all of you listening, befriend your mind because the mind in its basic nature is ruminative.
It's super highway. We try and get that super highway down to one track sometimes, but the basic nature of the mind is to analyze and be cognitive and think, and be negative and positive. Um, I'm just saying befriend, befriend your mind, you know, let the thoughts come. Don't be too judgmental. Let them go.
But just kind of just know that that's what the mind does. Yeah. Well, so the mind connects with the body. So the feeling that the thinking part also can connect to the movement parts, and in the feeling part is like, just lets your emotional body, right. It's like just actually let them rise. Let the emotions rise good and bad.
The shit ones, the great ones. Like they are all welcome. You know, let the rage rage, honestly like to teenagers who are fucking angry. Excuse me. Let's arrange come out like scream, dance, put some really hectic music on, just go for it. Um, It's not only that we have space for good, positive thinking emotion, like, so with, when it comes to emotions, like, let those emotions out, let them get to express them, dance them out, shake them out, run them out, whatever, and let them actually lead you.
They'll tell a story, right? If you feel angry, listen to the anger, it'll tell you where to go and it will ultimately lead you back to yourself. Very long-winded. I love it. And then, yeah, I mean, I think we have a tendency to suppress emotions and especially a hack for parents to say to an angry child and we are all fucking angry.
Like everybody's angry, you know, I mean, from childhood, um, Don't be so angry. Don't be so angry. You know, don't be angry with Derby Derby at my mother used to say, don't be so deep thinking. Like there's always that kind of control. So I'm saying a little, those emotions arise and then move and then watch your mind.
And then connect connect is a tricky one because there is, um, Cool connection is the one that's missing in, in these kind of certain models of psychology. It's like I was saying to people in the NHS about this program, and I've said like, what's missing is connection. Like they don't know how to connect with young people because they've got these CBT programs and, but the connection is missing.
Um, so the fourth one is connection and connection equals belonging. And like how many people, just, how many people don't feel that they belong? How many kids have parents who will listen to a podcast or sitting in their bedroom, not belonging. They don't feel like they belong on the earth. They don't feel they belong in their peer group.
They don't feel they belong in a family. It just it's what teenagers feel like. Right. We don't. So in connection, I'm saying connect to something. Anything that makes you feel like you belong. That could be your pets. You know, when you hug, like I've got a dog. When I hug her, I just feel connected to something.
It could be your peer group. It could be whatever a group on WhatsApp, whatever. It doesn't matter what it is. It could be walking in nature, but whatever it is always make sure when the day you have a moment where you feel totally lucky belong. And then the last one is communication. And this is also, this is our connection as quite a tricky one, but I feel like it's really important to find one person you can talk to, whether you're a young person or an adult or parents, whatever, like peer to a therapist, your hypnotherapist, your counselor, your yoga teacher, your school teacher, your dog, your mom, your dad, your aunt, your uncle, your best friend.
Um, Whether you can kind of, you know, rice in a journal, like whatever, just it's gotta be some, there has to be somebody that you trust. And someone who's earned your trust and then speak your truth. All of, you know, everybody, um, young and old, like find someone that you can really tell them, how should you feeling?
And also how, how great you are so many people who said, I felt so great during Okta, but I feel really guilty to say that, you know, and I'm like, just own it. Um, So, yeah, that's communication is self expression. Again, it doesn't have to be in words or language, it can also be dancing art, you know, communicate through your dance.
Like my son, he's 17. He makes music, he's doing music production and he really, really communicates through the music he makes I can, you're playing me a piece of music he's made and he tells me a story. Oh my God. It's I can feel it. You know? And he's, he's not very. Talkative. So he's finding a medium through communication through music.
So those are my five top tips, plastic. I love them. And, um, definitely if, if this is a taste of, um, what your new program is like, then wow, it's going to be. Huge. Um, I'm excited to hear all about it on another time. It would be great. We coming very close to the end of this, um, chats that you've said so much and so much has been said, which has been really very valuable to the person listening.
I always think what if somebody is listening and we touched something that. By saying, well, that's me. What would you like to say to that person? Yeah. I want to kind of say that life is a struggle and
you know, my friend and I, we did a session a couple of weeks ago together. And we came to this Leonard Cohen song, um, could Anthem and she made me listen to us and I've been listening to it ever since. And obviously Leonard Cohen is a poet, but it's about, there's a crack. You know, there's a crack. So basically it's about darkness and in the darkness, there's a crack, but through the crack is, you know, comes the lights.
I just want to say, like, I just want to acknowledge, you know, and not dismiss the struggle because I think I've certainly had a, really, a life full of struggle. And I really, really see the light. Like, I really, really experienced myself, even in this moment, just being so happy and full of joy. And I sit in struggle a lot of the time and I facilitate struggle and I see struggle in my own children and their friends pain.
Oh my God. Like such suffering and pain in young people. And I just want to say that. There's a light, you know, there's, we are all, we're literally made up of cosmic light. And I know this is like the, kind of the more cosmic or mighty icons actually such in front of you or with you without. Saying that I am a huge believer in the mystery, the mystery of life that's through the struggle, through the hardship, through the suffering, there really is a journey back to yourself and that journey back to self as this journey to the cosmic part of who we are, the star dust, you know, the star child, the young and wise, um, the parents who doesn't think they know, but really do, um, So to drop into this body to be as present with yourself as possible to take three deep breaths, whenever you feeling a little bit anxious or overwhelmed, um, and just drop the mind into the body.
Just come to my meditation class. That's all we do. I just tell my people all the time, just off the mind into the buddy, dropped the mind into the body. It's not like it's all going to be okay. I'm not going to plicate anybody. It's it's, you know, like learn that through the suffering. You really do find the lines and holding space for people who are suffering.
We can hold the space as a lighthouse. You know, tell me a bit about what you do online at the moment with, um, lockdown and all that happening. You've been really busy. Tell me about the classes that you do online and where people can get hold of you if they would like to, um, get involved in that. Yeah. I mean, most of the time at the moment, I'm actually studying some, doing quite a hardcore academic study.
Um, and, but I, I do train my star child yoga teacher training online, which there's one happening at the moment, um, that is for adults to become even better parents. It's actually a very strong, conscious parenting course, but it actually certifies you to teach yoga, but it takes you on a self-development journey.
I teach a weekly meditation class. I do some yoga classes, but that's not really my priority at the moment. I'm all online and I teach. Um, what's really passionate for me. It's the moment where it feels really strong. What I'm motivated towards is I'm doing yoga therapy with young people online, and that's really rewarding and quite deep reaching.
And, um, yeah, that comes in different forms of meditation. I know you said medication, but I actually, I do controversy silly. How do you say that controversially? Um, call my meditation meditation medication. Meditation is a type of medic medication that you don't swallow. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, have you taken your daily medication?
You know, and yeah. So I do, I'm doing these free teenage. Um, they actually, it's actually for 16 to 24 year olds because I've got a real impulse to work with the young adults at the moment who are not being so well supported in society. So I do free meditation classes where I'm teaching meditation, embodiment practices, body sensation, tracking, um, all very accessible.
Um, and online and I mean, I guess the only way it really, I'm not, I don't have a website on any of the work that I teach. I just kind of do it, but it's mostly through Instagram that I post what I'm doing. Okay. So if somebody wants to join the young and wise, um, meditation class that you do, if somebody, um, would like to join, where can they do that?
I think the best thing is to contact me through Instagram, which is seriality quite easy to find on Instagram because, um, that's. That's probably a bit, a better platform for young people as well. And I promote that class. What I will do is I will, um, put the link for your Instagram account in the notes, um, and people can find you just by clicking on that.
Yeah. And also I'm also starting to, to move towards doing, um, I D I'm a power facilitator as well. I work shamanically with cacau and, um, ceremonially and I'm, um, creating a program for young people as well. So using cacau as a means to kind of help young people just sit and process with themselves and find some, some joy and, um, That's something I'm working on.
So I'm looking forward to actually being in person with groups of young people and serving cacao to them and taking them through some beautiful processes and imaginative journeys. Lovely. I'll be on Instagram soon, soon, soon, as soon as we allowed all differently. Um, I'd like to bring my daughter to do one of those.
It sounds really amazing. Um, thank you so, so much for joining. I can't tell you how much I enjoyed talking to you and learning from you because as a therapist, obviously you have to learn to be quiet and listen. So. Um, I went to a discussion the other day, um, and they were talking about the seven habits of success.
And one of those is listen, because the more you listen, the more you learn. So I hope that everybody like me listened and learned from you today because. I did. It was really amazing. Thank you so much. and I hope that you'll be back soon and sharing more of what you're up to. And of course, we'll get you over here to where I live to come and do some of that cut out.
Serving. It sounds amazing. Oh, it's been such fun. Um, I do love talking about what I do because I do love it so much, which is the way you started this conversation, but my life long passion for yoga and young people. So, um, it just makes me just feel so. So happy when I speak of this work and I'm so excited that it just keeps evolving and evolving and, and, and I'm, you know, I love the work you do too.
Tracy. I've been following that as well as, um, so I hope that more of us can come together and collaborate and make the world a better place for young people.
And that brings us to the end of today's podcast. Thank you so much for your time for listening to our discussion. I'm sure you found Surrey just as wonderful and warm as I did. She is such a lovely person. Please remember if you do have anything that resonates with you, get in touch. I'd love to have a discussion with you about your relationship with your team.
And then I'd like to leave you with this. Um, very important message. Life gets exponentially better. Once you stop worrying about what other people think and start doing what you really want to do. And this goes for us and for our children.

A meditation to help let go of all the things you can't control.

For help with any issues raised in this podcast, or for a free initial consultation, contact Tracy:

Facebook: www.facebook.com/Tracy.Kimberg.Counselling.Therapy.Coaching/

Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/tracy-kimberg-9564a3193/

Instagram: www.instagram.com/tracy_kimberg_hypnotherapist/

Website: www.tracykimberg.com

TRANSCRIPT:

Now it's time for your hypnotherapy meditation session. And as you just sit back and relax, make yourself comfortable, find yourself a blankets and just settle down, lie back, rest your arms on your chest. Whether you're sitting, you can nest your arms in your lap and just change. Please start breathing normally.
Alrighty allowing your body and your mind to relax,
become aware of your surroundings,
noticing any sounds. Maybe you can have birds or cars, any sound. You might hear and just notice them. Don't try. And I don't notice them.
Now I'd like you to focus on the inside of your body. Notice if you feel any tension, any way, it might feel some tension in your shoulders, perhaps in your spine, maybe your head. Anywhere, possibly in your body where you might feel any stress or tension, just notice it
normally.
And then I'd like you to imagine yourself
lying in a matter,
very calmly on the grass, just relaxing as if it was a sunny summer stay and you were just out and decided to lie down. In a very safe and quiet and serene place. And you're just lying there. Observing the clouds in the sky as they come and go changing shape,
moving away and making place for new ones.
Happy if a thought of how many things you try and control that you just have no ability to control things like what people say, what might happen in the future.
The weather, for instance, things you have no control over that you obsess over
and I'd like you to make an imaginative list in your head of the things that you can't control.
Just list them one by one,
write them down on an imaginative piece of paper. And you can see the words there because your imagination is so powerful and you can see anything you want. If you just tell it to.
And as you have your list in your hand, the one that you wrote down, all the things that you can't control. I want you to tear that list up into tiny pieces.
Feel yourself, tearing up the paper. Into tiny pieces.
And I want you to throw them up into the sky. And watch them all go up into the sky in the breeze. Each piece of paper attaches itself to a cloud and a chain PLE floats in the air. And you notice that each cloud. Has the word
signifies. One of the things that you can't control
and just breathe and just observe these things floating in the sky far away from you
just touched from you.
And you know that there's nothing to do, nothing to say, nothing to change. I just like clouds in the sky. Each of those words, they come and they go just the way they meant to come and go just to weigh them into go.
Unless you notice these clouds moving pasture in the sky and you notice how they disappear eventually into the sky, just into the universe. Off into the horizon disappearing slowly, but surely
you notice that the sky sometimes looks more blue than others when most of the clouds disappeared. And then you see more clouds appearing with more words on. But when you see them, you're just breathe
and you remind yourself that you don't have control over those. Can you just let them be and just to say, came at the right time, they move away at the right time
out of your control.
Everything is
in the middle. I want you to repeat after me, everything is as it should be.
And again, everything is as it should be.
And again, everything is as it should be.
Take a deep breath and Azure. Exhale allow yourself to just relax.
And now repeat after me, I release the things that I can't control.
and again, I release the things that I can't control.
I released the things that I can't control.
Have a nice deep letting go breath
as you do. So notice how you feel lighter.
Notice how the stress in your body feels
as you've become aware of that. You need to let go of the things that you can't control because they follow your mind and your mind feels better when it's emptier.
Uh,
you cannot allow yourself to come back to AOL and become more aware of your surroundings. Maybe your party where it's touching the bed or the chair. Maybe you can hear the birds again,
take a deep breath
and open your eyes.
Feeling really calm and relaxed. And free of all the thoughts that you need to control the uncontrollable.
Thank you for joining me for this meditation. I'll see you next time. And please remember to follow me on Instagram. Uh, Tracy Kimber Kimberg therapist on Facebook, Tracy Kimberg hypnotherapist. And you can have a look on my website, Tracykimberg.com.

Tracy speaks to Gayleen Hodson, a blogger and parent, on coping with family life in lockdown and strategies to deal with the challenges.

Gayleen can be found at //www.hodsonwritingservices.co.uk

For help with any issues raised in this podcast, or for a free initial consultation, contact Tracy:

Facebook: www.facebook.com/Tracy.Kimberg.Counselling.Therapy.Coaching/

Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/tracy-kimberg-9564a3193/

Instagram: www.instagram.com/tracy_kimberg_hypnotherapist/

Website: www.tracykimberg.com

My name is Tracy Kimberg. I'm a happy teenager and a healthy relationship therapist. I help teenagers and adults become happier by helping them tune into self-awareness by being open and honest with great communication skills, being emotionally mature, learning, active listening. And of course, Understanding that love happens when you love yourself.
First loving yourself leads to happiness, healthy, and successful relationships. This week. My guest is Gaylene. Hudson Kayleen is a business woman. She's a copyright and virtual assistant. She also is a mum and a wife. And amongst all this Gaylene has recently had to juggle being a teacher. As you know, homeschooling has happened overnight and we are all trying to master this new job that we've acquired without even having an interview.
Last week's episode had a really successful feedback. So many of you. Got in touch and say, thank you for touching on this very sensitive subject, teenagers and drugs and what you can do if your child is involved in drugs, please, if you do still have anyone that this might be helpful for, then share the link to these podcasts.
There's so much information that can be helpful for you and for your children. Or people that you might know. And as I always say, if anything resonates with you that you hear in this episode today, then please get ahold of me and we can discuss it. I offer 30 minutes free consultation where we can and find out what it is that you would like to change.
And if you are suitable for one of my programs that can help you make the changes. That you need to make in order to live the life you deserve.
I guess today is Gaylene. Hudson. Just introduce yourself. Okay. So hi, I'm Gaylene Hudson. Um, yeah, I'm a freelance copywriter. Um, I'm also a mother of two little boys, so they're eight and six, um, keeping very busy. Um, I'm also a wife and, um, yeah, that's me in a nutshell. It's my, my roles. Should I say. I've had my own mental health journey in the past.
So, you know, and I think it's really important to carry on working on that. Um, what makes me tick? I mean, COVID has made me take over the last year, it's pushed on so many different boundaries and different levels is unreal. Um, but yeah, what makes me thrive is actually really taking care of yourself and.
Yeah. Knowing how, when is it important to work on yourself, um, and address issues? Well, that really says that you've done a lot of self-awareness work Gaylene, and that you allow you are able to tune into yourself, but, um, You know, you were talking about your roles. You are mother, you are wife, phew, a business woman, and you are now all of a sudden a school teacher.
How does that impacts you and how have you managed in this whole year? That it's been an absolute, um, crazy whirlwind here. How have you managed to keep your mental health intact with all these different roles that have. Had their demands on you? Well, I can say it's not been easy. Um, and it continues every day to be a challenge, but I think that's kind of what you have to, I mean, we think it's been a year, but if we had last year, if we had sat and go, right, this is going to go on for a year and we're going to have to juggle all of this.
We would have crumbled on day one. And so you have to break it down into chunks and literally I take it one day. At a time now, because if you think too far in the future, it can overwhelm you and it can panic you, especially when you've got to juggle so many different demands on a day-to-day basis. Um, I have found it really hard and there's been days where, I mean, thankfully not too frequently.
Um, but there have been days where I've just sat and cried because you just cry and you, you almost more than fat, normal life that we used to have. And, um, I, I took it for granted, but I suppose you never really realized that a pandemic was going to suddenly hit you and you would have all of this to juggle.
Um, so yeah, I, you know, I have to be kind to myself and break, just break it all down. Um, definitely. And just know when to. Take a break, which I'm rubbish at doing, but actually I'm getting better at that. As I realized, I cannot simply be everything to everyone anymore. Um, so you just have to take a pause, take a breather, take a break, and be kind to yourself, realize that this isn't normal.
We shouldn't be juggling so much. Um, and that it's where we're all in very different boats and situations, but. None of us are experiencing life as it should be right now. So we just need to be kinder on ourselves. Um, and not challenge ourselves to, to, to take on everything in one go. No, it's impossible.
And as soon as you start being so. Um, almost perfectionistic on wanting to do everything perfect. That is when you know, you start judging yourself because it's impossible to do it all perfectly. We have to be in perfectly perfect in this situation, you know? Um, how did you, um, find a sense of making things normal?
What, what do you think your magic recipe is, um, to have survived this, um, year of chaos? What, what, what's your, what do you think you did that made a difference? Or where was your turning point where you decided right. I'm going to take it day by day. Um, do you know what very early on I, so in the first selection, one of my personal challenges has always been that I don't like change and I don't like not being in control.
And obviously what COVID has brought is a whole heap of not being in control. No one feels like they are in control right now. No one, no one has that. And there's a lot of change. That was constantly happening in the first locked down. I mean, all of a sudden the school shut that was unheard of. And you were, you were in a dock down and everything went online.
I mean, I work from home anyway, but all the networking went online and I. Literally all around me, you could see was change happening. And I panicked. And I remember in that very first lockdown, I remember crying for a couple of weeks solid because I really don't like change. And I don't like things happening isn't in my control.
And so, but early on, I had to reframe my thoughts and I had to establish what I could control. What I couldn't control and just take it day at a time. Um, and there were better days, you know, the summer, it felt a little bit more normal. Um, And, and then since then, I mean, we've had no control. We've been put into tears and the locked islands and shut again.
And I genuinely didn't think we would be here homeschooling again, after the first time I remember saying in September, like when the schools went by, Oh, at least one after homeschool ever again, like that was horrible. I never want to do that again. And here we are humans like doing the same thing. So, um, I try and.
Keep a sense of normality in the home still. Um, so for example, we've always had a movie night or Saturday night TV night with popcorn and sweets with the boys. So we still do that. You know, we still try and have a little things like that, that feel like part of our routine. Um, so we still try and do.
Small things that we can can do. And I, and that's the whole sense what, what you can control and what you can't being, the teacher, your children's teacher for the first time ever. Um, how has that changed the role of, um, and the relationship between you and your children? How old are your children? Let's first get that out of the way.
Sorry, is he's eight and a half. Um, he's, he's suddenly very grown up like. He's not a little kid anymore. He has, he has his own mind. He has his own direction now. Um, and Dylan, he's my youngest. He's going to be seven next month. So they're quite close in age actually. But, um, So how's the role changed? Um, because all of a sudden, um, I can remember when, when my children they're older than your children, but when your children are at school, you know, they have that saying that my teachers, everything, my teacher says is gold.
Um, teacher says, this teacher says that, but they don't have that anymore. Our children. So. And now all of a sudden you, um, are your children's teacher and you know, you have to almost have a double role in that sense, a mum and a teacher. Do you try and make it one role or do you keep them separate? I, yeah.
I have been honest with my kids from the get-go though. I I'm obviously not a teacher. I can not teach them in the same way a teacher can. Um, and it became very apparent that they don't listen or respect me. Like they probably would a teacher, so they will. Scream at the table and just like, I don't want to do this.
And then I'd be like, do you sit in your classroom and scream that at your teacher? Because that's what you do to me. And do you have a choice at school to do this or not? I like, um, it's been hard cause they, they actually don't listen to me. Like they probably would their teachers and why they're quite young.
Um, They do still have that. Like they do kind of look up to the teachers. And if I say right, I'm going to message your teacher. Now I'm going to tell her that you're screaming at me that you're not doing your work. They're like, no, no, please don't please. Don't all do it now. So, you know, I have to stay as, as mom, primarily.
And, um, yeah, the first, the first look, Sean, I actually was doing more of an effort. Um, Because I just, I don't know it was new. It was different. And. You were trying to be perfect, probably. Yeah. Yeah. And then, so, you know, we were on bite size. We were doing all the lessons on bite size. We were an extractive teas.
We're doing loads of crafts. We were achieving so much for doing science experiments. I really went to town and the first one, and then it started again in this January and I was like, no, I cannot put myself through all of that again. And actually there being. Demanded more from the school right now. Like they have got deadlines.
We have deadlines every day for my eldest. You know, we have to hand the work in by five o'clock or it comes up with the little red things saying miss. Um, so we have to be more on the ball now than we were. Um, but I'm making less effort out. Like my, my youngest, he hates drawing. And it seems like every project at the minute is draw a picture or draw a poster and he sits there and he goes, I hate drawing mummy.
So I say, just, just do your best. I mean, his post has been very questionable, but he's done a very rough attempted it and I've just gone. Right? You've done it well done. Let's take a picture and hand it in because for me, I, I didn't like where it took us in the first lockdown. You know, we went down that road of, they weren't respecting me.
We were arguing a lot more. The fun of the family had gone and. It was horrible. We should never be in that situation with our children to be, you know, almost resented that they were resentful of me making them sit down and do all this work. And I was resentful. I was having to teach them all this work when I have so much other stuff I was juggling.
So the summer holidays came around and we had fun. Again, they went back to school and we were. We were a nice family unit again until January. And I thought, no, I don't want this to affect my, my relationship with my kids anymore. Don't get me wrong. We have days where we're like, come on, you need to get work done.
Just try your best. Um, but I don't want to go down that route of, you know, making it a horrible experience anymore. Yeah, that's, that's amazing. I think, I think it's really good advice, you know, just do, just do what you can and let them do what you can, you know, we all very, um, inclined to try and be this perfect parent.
Um, and you want to the teacher to think, well, she's, she's doing a lot of effort, but it doesn't really matter. This is as you know, the child does their best. That's good enough. And you know, in that way there's a better relationship. Yeah. I don't think that's it. Can you, like, I don't know. I don't want to be in a horrible home setting for however long we're going to be in this lockdown for, um, I know their standard of work is not up to the standard they were having before the Christmas holidays.
They, they actually really caught up really well. Last time they're doing really well. I know their standard work is not up to that point anymore, but they're not in school. The not in that they're at home where home is meant to be safe. It's meant to be fun. It's meant to be, you know, that space. Um, so they do what they can and.
They, you know, my oldest, he loves being crafty. He is always making something or drawing something. He's made his own board game lately and he will crack on for hours and do things that he wanted to typewriter for his last birthday. So the other day he had his typewriter out and he was writing a story.
And that's what I was saying. You need to sit there and you need to do something like this. That's his choice. To go and do something like that. And so they're being creative and they're learning in their own unique ways. And I think, yeah, sometimes you need to recognize that and go, do you know what they will catch up in school again?
Um, they may not be producing amazing work like the other kids are right now, but they're also happy at home. And I think that's the most important thing it is. And you know, what. I don't think the other kids are producing. Um, that's much better work than anybody. I think everybody's doing the best they can.
And you know, you don't have to even compare your children to what you think other people are doing. They are doing the best I can. And that's that's really good enough. Tell me Gaylene, how has this whole, um, changed shifting your house with new, um, all the new roles affected the relationship with you and your partner.
Again, there have been moments of. Of stress of challenge. And I think where we are just, this is, this has been our, you know, our main company for the last year. We're not used to that. We're used to, you know, seeing our friends and our other family and having that sort of space. And, um, whereas every day's like Groundhog day is now, and that's the company, that's the person you're talking to the most.
So I think naturally there are moments where you're just buying heads and spike. Um, but you know, we've got quite a good relationship and isn't the week we do bicker or hold my hand up high, we'd better, but we also laugh about it as well. So when it gets to a point in the backroom where it's just, it just, you have to laugh.
I think that's really healthy in a relationship to, to laugh and be able to meet like, actually. Um, yeah, I'm not being my best self right now. I am grumpy, um, and laugh it off and admit when you're wrong. Um, that does help. But yeah, there are challenges, especially with homeschooling and. And, you know, I'm obviously really busy with work and he's busy with his work and we're both busy trying to, we're trying to do a bit of a rotation with the kids.
So we're not the sole person every day. So, you know, half the week I do the other half, we're trying to share out responsibilities and duties, but there's been moments where I've caught him watching films in the kitchen with his headphones in I'm their stress of tribals. And I'm just like,
What he's doing. I never get to do that. You know, there, there are moments of, I guess, resentment a little bit, when you just go, Oh, I could do that for you. I could switch off that easy and just shut myself away and ignored and ignore what needs doing. But you know, then we'll talk about it after, cause that's what you need to do.
Um, And he'll go. Yeah, you're right. I probably should have been helping you a bit more than watching the film and I'm like, you can watch the film after by all means, but if you can help them or it starts meeting so stressed and, and then it's just a nicer environment for, so, um, So I think instead of letting that resentment build up, it's really important to talk about it and go, actually, I don't like it when you do this, because I'm feeling really stressed and you're not actually really helping me right now.
So yeah. Laugh about it. Yeah. Communication and a sense of humor. Isn't it. You need to be able to laugh at yourself. Yeah.
Gaylene when it comes to your work. You obviously arise. You do a lot of blogging and content writing for people. Um, have you noticed a definite shift in topic and, um, in what people are wanting to hear about in the last year? Tell us about that. I mean, it's, there's been absent flows of. Changing. And, um, so to begin with, it was very important to cover the COVID, the pandemic, all of that in a topic.
And then it got to like the summer and people would just didn't want to hear about it. They didn't want to hear about it. So we had to make sure we, nothing said COVID anywhere, because at that point, I think people really hopeful that within the past, we're just going to move on and let's just not talk about it anymore.
And then mental health has played a huge role. Um, you know, Across the board. Um, so whether that's HR clients, or even, even it clients, they want to focus on the mental health side of it, about people pulling together and being in unity to get through things. Um, and then obviously over Christmas coming into the new year COVID needed to be spoken about again.
Um, and again, now we're focused on topics that shift away from that. Very people, people focused because I think in the last year we've been the most divided, the most distance we've ever been from each other. And it's really important where you can to try and pull people together and still be a weak.
Cause I think. There's a lot of mixed feelings with everybody all over the world right now. And people can resent each other over different situations that they're in and that kind of things. That's really important to try and think about mental health. Think about people's different situations and pull it all together.
What do you think the, um, are all really great tips for people in the second pandemic situation that we've no in also actually isn't it it's actually, well, let's, let's make it three, because I say things happens in, uh, things happen in threes. So that's what I like to call it. The third one, because hopefully that's the end then this third one.
What do you think? Um, People can really. Implementing their own lives to help them be, um, better at coping because it's okay not to cope. Isn't it? We don't, we all have days where we can't cope where you just feel, you know, you've had enough you basically up to here with it and you're just, just want to, you're bored with it basically.
So what do you think we can do? What, what do you think are the tips that we can do? Do you know, there was this picture then that went round, um, Right at the beginning of this lockdown. Um, and it was as of a mum taken off a superhero Cape, and she was saying, you know, like in the last, in the first lockdown, people were trying to like, you know, superwoman, they were trying to juggle everything.
They're trying to do everything. And this, this little image that went round, it said, you know, I'm taking my Cape off because I'm not super Mormon. I can't do it. And then everybody joined and said, me too. And so that was shared a lot because. There's this unison of let's not even try and struggle anymore.
You know, let's just admit that this is challenging. We're not okay. Um, and what can we do about us? So for me, I talked to my friends regularly, you know, I can't see them in person, but I do zooms or FaceTimes with them, or, um, so one of my best friend's birthday last week, we got a glass of wine and sat on zoom and, and still had a really nice time.
You know, it was, it's not the same, but it was good enough. Um, and little things like that really. Perky decks. You think? Cool. Tonight? I get to see my friend soon. I mean, but you know, it was nice. It was really nice. So I make sure I keep in touch with people because it's easy to shut yourself off. Um, really easy.
Um, But it's really important to still connect with people, you know, call a friend, texts them, arrange of FaceTime or zoom one evening. Um, take it a day at a time. And if you're struggling to do everything, just stop doing everything and focus on the one thing that's important that day to get done. So most of the time I've got obviously work projects each day, I have to focus on two work projects.
I want like half to get done. If I don't get the rest done. You know, that's fine. I have to take one day at home. Just focus on what needs doing self care. Um, so I do something for myself every day that takes. Roughly around 15 minutes a day. And it changes each day. What I choose, it could be reading a book for 15 minutes before bed, um, painting my nails.
I like doing that. So sit there and, um, having a bath or putting a little face mask on, you know, something I like baking as well. So on the weekend I baked. So just something very small to give you, give yourself that little boost and refill your cup. Um, And yeah, just keep the communication open and try and have a bit of routine still.
Um, so on the weekends, I do have a little bit of a lay in, and I have a bathroom, one of the mornings and we do the movie night. I think having that routine, you kind of know where you are in the week. Whereas, you know, when I've called my mum before, she's been like, I don't even know what day, what day is.
Um, and so I'm kind of thankful for work in the kids because. Yeah, that must feel horrible. Not even know what day you've woken up on. Um, so that's why I try and keep a bit of routine going. Um, I think that's really important, I think was a future Gaylene when your kids are obviously growing up that they not very, they're not, and they've got another couple of years ago before they hit the teen years.
Yeah. But, um, you know, I often sit in, I wonder what the impact of this last year is going to be on the children in the future. My youngest is turning 16 soon. I don't know what the impact's going to be on her future because I mean, they skipped their GCSE exams and yeah, I think in a way, I think that's going to teach them to be more independent academically and to be self-reliant, but better than what.
The previous, um, um, you know, years of children were, but for you that has these children that are eight, nine heading for teens. How do you think. It's going to impact your children when they hit teenage years when they've, um, and the stuff that's going on for teenagers now, like drug abuse and bullying and teenagers suffer from anxiety and mental health every day, we hear about it in the news.
How do you think it's going to impact your children? I guess a worry of mine. Um, You know, having suffered with anxiety before myself, I think a huge worry for me is that we've been so cut off from the world. You know, what impact will this have on social anxiety going forward? You know, when they're teenagers or even the next year or two, you know, this social skills is, is so important and it's learned very young and.
They've not really had much contact with people. And, you know, I think if babies and toddlers and, you know, are they going to get really about separation anxiety going back, you know, when they grow up and go to school and that kind of thing. So I think that's a huge worry for me. The social anxiety, like I have felt I've had anxiety and I've had social anxiety before and I felt, Oh my goodness.
Um, Is that going to be something that they have to deal with now, because, because of this impact, um, I mean, I'm really thankful that my two they're at a good age, they've been really resilient throughout all of this and they do get ordered and they get frustrated and they go, you know, when can we go to a zoo or, Oh, next week, can we go to Alton towers?
And I'm like, No is not open and they, they didn't quite understand things at the minute. So I'm kind of hoping that, you know, between the first lockdown and here they bounced back so quick and they were, they were happy again. I do have a fear that the longer it goes on, the harder is to bounce back. Um, and yeah, I think, I don't know.
I mean, being become then becoming a teenager is a scary thing in itself because the world has changed over the years. There's a lot more social pressure. Um, social media as well is a huge thing that I, I mean, when I was a teenager, social media was just coming into its own. You know, there was my space and Facebook launched when I was in high school.
And so I was kind of there when it, but I wasn't in the midst of it. Like there are people out there, unfortunately that lived their life through social media, you know, how many likes you get means everything to them. And I think it's. It can be really unhealthy and you need to have healthy boundaries with social media.
I'm not saying don't use it because it can be good, but to know how she's it. And hopefully, because I'm aware of that, I can lead them and guide them with that. Um, but yeah, there's loads more social pressure. I mean, my oldest is going to middle school in September, me and my husband. We're literally saying last night, he's going to have to walk a little bit on his own.
We to get him a phone. I don't remember having a photo age, but for safety reasons, he probably needs a phone to be able to walk a little bit. I might know. He's not, he shouldn't be old enough for a family. He's not gonna have social media on there, obviously, but it's just scary how quick they're growing up these days.
It is, it is a worry, but I think if we all, as parents, just remember that the key is to have a good relationship, open relationship where you can both trust. Um, so your child needs to trust you and you need to trust your child so that there's an open communication, open communication, where they can feel.
Yes. Yeah, this has happened, but I can talk to my mom. I can talk to my dad and I'm not going to, you know, yes. They might be in trouble. They, we might get angry, but they can still come to us. Yeah. Um, I find it very, very difficult with, um, my daughter, that's the turning 16 year old, 16 turning 25, you know?
Um, and you have to really, when a crisis arises, you really have to be so. In touch with your own self so that you don't overreact so that you don't jump into, um, fast-forward mode and do, and say things that might even damage the situation more. And it's just the same as, as with toddlers and each age, age group for, they all have their own crisises, you know?
So I think. If you, as a parent lay the foundation and Nike say, um, you know, teach them about social media, show them about the dangers in social media, even from now on you can, you can start educating them. And when they are teenagers, they are aware you can't please your children, you can't follow them around.
Unfortunately, or fortunately, because we're probably all, you know, be shocked to death if we knew what happened behind the scenes. But I mean, I, wasn't going to say innocent when I was a teenager. Either you all push the boundaries, you take chances. Um, but yeah, I feel sorry for the teenagers, the pressures are on, and there's so many things that learn them.
That you know, it's important that they have parents to rely on. So, um, in a nutshell, you said that you've had your own mental health journey. I know you have a mental health blog that I read. I really enjoy reading your blogs. They really good. When you look back at yourself, say 10 years ago, and you look at yourself now.
And, um, what would you say to your younger self when you were that age? When you felt very overwhelmed and you didn't know how you were going to reach the future, and now look at you, you are a successful business woman, your mama. Two beautiful boys. You married, you, you seem like you've got your, your, um, stuff together and that you in a pretty good space.
What would you say to that younger self of yours? I mean, it's hard because I think I would never paint now all those years ago, never. And certainly when I was really struggling with my anxiety, it was hard to even. You just feel like you're in this dark hole of like, what, what will life look like? I'm doomed.
Like this is just, what's there to look forward to. Um, I just wish I could go back and give him a deliver of hope that it's not all doom and gloom that you. I think the most important thing is to look after yourself and work on yourself, like, and see how you know, that was the best thing I did. I S I sought help.
Um, and I still even now read up on mental health and mindfulness books and self-esteem books. And when you come out with something it's not, you're not forever cured. You have to really put the work in and you have to grow your mindset. So I think, yeah, I would tell myself that there is hope and to work on yourself, um, and, and to not start developing, because I think that's the key.
That's been the key for me. Um, But yeah, life is full of ups and downs and there's probably going to be a few more ups and downs, but I think to just, yeah, just don't give up and just try your absolute best and breaking things down. Again really helps. You know, we don't need to think about next month or a year's time.
Just, just think about what you can do for yourself tomorrow and today. Um, and that all builds up. I always say that. When you, when you're in, um, your comfort zone, you feel comfortable, but when you're out of your comfort zone, it's not a sign that you need to turn back. It's actually a sign that you need to push forward.
Yeah. Because once you've pushed forward, guess what? You're in a new comfort zone and then you'd keep going forward. And yes, it starts feeling uncomfortable. But only for a while until you've pushed through it. And then, well, now I'm in my new comfort zone. Um, and that's the thing with, um, with life really it's about keep pushing forward and not giving up and turning back.
Yeah. And I think I've learned that over the years there's been. There's been situations I've not wanted to do. There's some things I've been really nervous about doing, and I've just gone. I've learned to say yes and think about it afterwards. Basically, you know, don't overthink something before, because you end up getting yourself really workshop and you, you stop yourself from doing it.
So I've learned to just take on opportunities, not think about it until you're in the moment and you're doing it because, um, you know, like I've helped host networking events, which. If you had told me even a year ago, I mean, I was nervous about going to network in a year ago. The fact that Noah, I helped host an event.
Um, I don't remember agreeing to that. And I remember coming home and just going, I can't believe I've agreed to do that. Like, you know, a year ago I wouldn't even go to an event. I would do it. I mean, the fact that it's online has helped a little bit, but you know, I just. I committed to it and now I do it twice a month and it's not scary anymore.
It's just like, Oh yeah, I've got that on today. I think like you say, that's pushing yourself out your comfort zone until it, it becomes normal. Um, and I can look back and go. I'm glad I did that. I'm glad I said yes. And didn't pay it. Yeah. And look at you now. Isn't it. Look at you. Look, you can stand back, look at yourself in the mirror and say, well done, you did it.
Yeah, well, that's been, um, I've really enjoyed, um, this discussion. It's really been very interesting. And just listening to you, it's taken me back to when I had smaller children, um, and believe you me, the time flies before, you know it, they are out the house or nearly out of school, so enjoy those days.
And when they still, um, are, um, bendable, you know, Um, and just keep in mind that you are not your, um, mother. . And your children, aren't you. And you know, we always, I sometimes hear my mom's voice in my, uh, coming off my mouth when we're not talking to my children. And I think, Oh my God, I just sounded just like my mum.
Um, but we need to really understand that our children on their own unique human beings and, um, they, we, they will make their own mistakes. They will learn. In their own way, the way they need to learn, we just say, um, to guide them and, um, to be there when they need us.

A meditation to help let go of worry and stress.

For help with any issues raised in this podcast, or for a free initial consultation, contact Tracy:

Facebook: www.facebook.com/Tracy.Kimberg.Counselling.Therapy.Coaching/

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Website: www.tracykimberg.com

This is the meditation that will help you let go of worry and stress. If you're driving, then please don't listen to this right now. You can push, pause and listen to it later. And if you would home, then find a comfortable position, either sitting or lying down where it's quiet. And you won't be interrupted.
Make yourself comfortable, maybe catch blankets, cover yourself up kit or cozy, and just listen to my voice. As you allow yourself to let go of any worry or stress, close your eyes all the way down already allowing your body. Her mind to let go and relax,
breathe normally in, through your mouth and out.
Now, swap it around and praise in through your nose and out through your mouth.
Now, swap it around again into your mouth.
And now just breathe.
And as you keep your eyes closed, you focus on your surroundings. And see if you can memorize things that all around you in the room without opening your eyes, allow yourself to walk around the room and notice things.
This will help you realize that your unconscious mind. He's constantly taking in anything without you even noticing. Your unconscious mind is never sleeping. That's always awake, observing, listening, and storing memories
to think of yourself. Standing at the top of a Hill. And as you look down the Hill at the bottom, you see a beautiful Lake. And as I count you down, you kind of walk down the Hill toward the Lake and you notice says 10 trees in a line, down the Hill.
And each time I say a number you're going to pass one of the trees and gently ever so gently. You're going to brush the bark with the inside of your hand. So you start walking down and you reach 10 touching the Bach, walking down even further nine. Touching the next street as each step, you allow yourself to feel more relaxed, going deeper into relaxation.
And feeling very relaxed and calm.
Very relaxed and safe. As you move down the Hill closer to the Lake six, you feel the texture of the bark of the tree. On your hand. As you pass the seventh street,
walking down to number six, you can feel the crunch of the cross. And the tweaks under your feet,
five further down, fairly relaxed
for more relaxed. Now. Very deeply relaxed, Surrey, calm. Almost weightless too,
very peaceful now, and one, and you've reached a bottom and as you reach the bottom, you notice the Lake in front of you and you walk towards the Lake and you can feel the sun on your skin and you just feel very relaxed. Calm
and you take your shoes off when you feel the water is warm and you decide you're going to go for swim
and you take off your clothes and you. Get into the water. Justin you're underway,
feeding, excited, but calm, enjoying the warm water against your skin. As you go deep into the looter,
and then you just lie back in the water and you just float on your back in the Lake. And it's very calm. There's no wind, the water's warm and there's no one around just you and the Lake. And as you lie, floating in the Lake and look up at the clouds and you notice how the clouds are just passing one by one.
The clouds are just passing by in the sky
and you lie in the Lake and you close your eyes and you can feel the water in your fingers as you stretch your arms out. And you're just floating. Without any effort to just float calmly, peacefully, and very, very relaxed now. And I'd like you to just take a couple of deep breaths. And as you do this, I want you to imagine every time you exhale, all your worry and your stress leaves your body with each breath and with each breath that you inhale, you're breathing in this beautiful blue sky.
I'm fresh, a
breathe in as you breathe out, let go of all the stress and worry and breathing again. Fresh, a peaceful calm. And as you breathe out, any worry or stress, because there's nothing to do about this. He's worries. Oh, things that might not even happen. And there's no point on holding them inside your body because they make you feel tired and stressed and they'd bring anxiety.
Just allow them to just float out of your body with each breath that you breathe, you feel yourself becoming lighter and more weightless.
That you identify leaves your body with each breath.
And as you think of the worries that you might. So be having in your head, just breathe into those worries and just let them flow out, allowing them to just escape into the universe, just like a cloud and watch them as they drift off, drift away, not affecting you at all. Even you feeling peaceful and calm in this moment of complete relaxation as you just float in this Lake
and allow yourself to just enjoy this moment, feeling free of worry. Free of stress
and remind yourself that goal, your experiences, or thought creative
and your thoughts create your reality. And if you think of stress, you create stress. If you think of calmness and peace, you create calmness and peace.
So now allow yourself to just think of a very peaceful and calm place. It might be a place that, you know, Who are places that you can imagine in your head, in your mind's eye, you can create this. And just think of it, beautiful place.
Notice how, just by thinking of it, how calm you feel and how relaxed you feel
and remind yourself that you can make yourself feel calm and relaxed.
By choosing the thoughts that you're focused on
now repeat after me, I feel safe. I feel calm and I choose to be here
and I can, I feel safe. Safe. I feel calm and I choose to be here.
And one more time. I feel safe
and I choose to be here.
Swim to the side of the Lake. As you feel your body gliding through the water, and as you get out, you feel alive, you feel calm, you feel taller. Even you feel stronger.
And you walk towards the trees that lead the way up to the Hill.
And as you get dressed,
You know, it's just, the accounts have completely cleared and the sky is a perfect blue, no counts. Everything seems clear now. And you start walking up and as you walk up. You touch the ball of the tree with your hand? Again, one going up to a big walking, very calmly feeling happy and relaxed. Three. For even higher, you go five feeling really calm, six, starting to feel more aware of your surroundings.
Seven.
Moving your fingers in your toes, eight, almost at the top. Now feeling more alert nine and 10, and you open your eyes and you're back in the room feeling really calm, really relaxed. Noticing that you don't have any worries now because you know,
There's nothing to worry about. Everything is as a way it should be.
Thank you for listening. If you'd like to follow me on Instagram, Facebook, or LinkedIn, you can find me on Tracy. Kimberg hypnotherapist. You can message me on any of those platforms or you can get hold of me@tracykim.com, forget to leave a review. And you can also let me know if there's anything specific you would like me to talk about on my podcast.
I'd love to hear it. If there's. Any specific subject that you might find interesting. And we'd like to note a little bit more about, have a lovely week and remember be kind to yourself until next time.

What do you do when you find out (or suspect) that your teenager is using drugs or alcohol? Whilst it's a common worry or reality for parents, Tracy Kimberg will help you, step-by-step, to resolve this issue. This episode is immediately followed by a meditation to help let go of worry and stress.

For help with any issues raised in this podcast, or for a free initial consultation, contact Tracy:

Facebook: www.facebook.com/Tracy.Kimberg.Counselling.Therapy.Coaching/

Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/tracy-kimberg-9564a3193/

Instagram: www.instagram.com/tracy_kimberg_hypnotherapist/

Website: www.tracykimberg.com

my name is Tracy Kimberg and this is the waves of clarity podcast. With many years of medical and psychological experience I have often had to do with the not so nice side as a result of someone making the wrong decision. So today I'm going to touch on a very sensitive subject, which is what do you do when your teenager is using drugs.
But before we start with that discussion, I just want to say how absolutely over the moon I am after this week being announced as one of the top five podcasts in women. In business. It was a huge surprise. And I feel very, very proud because I never even thought a couple of years ago that I would be doing my own podcast.
I always felt quite self-conscious and thought who would want to listen to me, but I've had an extraordinary response to. Everything that I've been talking about on these podcasts and thank you for each and every review that I've received today. I want to thank Claire Maya who wrote it's a fantastic podcast, very well presented and so helpful.
Thank you, Claire, for such a lovely review. Then of course, very, very important is if you are listening and you feel that I've touched something that might resonate with you and you feel, Oh, I need to talk to Tracy about this. Then don't be shy. Pick up the phone. Call me text me and let's have a discussion.
It will be no obligation free discussion where I can maybe give you a little bit of advice or we can start working with your child, or I can help you in some way to, um, find a better solution to your problem.
So what do you do when you find out or you suspect that your teenager is using drugs or alcohol? First of all, I just want to reassure you that it's a very common and frightening worry for a lot of parents. If you suspect that your team is using drugs, it can be extremely overwhelming. And you can be very, very worried and concerned.
So I'm going to help you step by step, figure out what you can do to resolve this issue. The first very important thing is to don't ignore it, confront the situation, confronting the situation needs to be done in the right way. It is vital that you have the conversation. In the right way and at the right time, and that you are prepared beforehand, if you only suspect that your child is using drugs, take the time to prepare yourself.
However, if you have caught your teenager or found out from another, either a friend or someone has told you, or you found a drugs, then allow yourself time to cool down before you can try and confront or speak to your child. Speaking in anger. It's only going to make the situation worse. And of course, when we angry, we say things that we can take back and we react in ways that we later regret.
So I strongly recommend that. If you are feeling upset, make sure that you're all feeling calm and in control before you sit your child down and have that discussion. If you only suspect that your child is using drugs, you have to trust your instincts in this kind, not to ignore it because. You might be right.
You might be wrong and it's better to be right. And be able to act then be wrong and not do anything about it. So I recommend that if you suspect that your child is using drugs, that you sit your child down and have a very open discussion and we're not mean open. It means that you have to have your child's trust so that they will feel comfortable and, um, you know, able to be open with you if they are using drugs.
When you have the discussion, focus on being, understanding, this includes writing down questions that will help you understand why your teenager is using drugs. Is it to fit in with the group? Is it to cope with emotions, try and put yourself in their shoes, because if you do that, he will be more able to help them.
You need to also be clued up about drugs. Do your research in mind, dealings with teenagers, I've often actually found that the teenagers are clueless as to the effects of drugs on the body, the brain and their mental health. I think it is our responsibility as adults to educate teenagers or help them educate themselves about the effects of drugs.
One of the places we teenagers can find out about drugs is very obvious. The internet help your teenagers by. Showing them which websites they can read upon or which talks they can listen to or where they can go to find out about drugs. Talk to Frank for instance, is a very, um, great place where you can go.
If you have problems with your teenager using drugs, or if there is a teenager listening, if you have a problem, then you can also go and Google talk to Frank and get your answers today. It's so helpful to be able to have a conversation with your teenager. It's not always comfortable, but to sit down and talk about the realities and uncomfortable things about life, you need to have a conversation with your teenager, though.
It doesn't help to just ignore it. Remember, stay calm. And your team will likely be quite defensive and angry in that situation. So create a safe space around you, where you can have this conversation without judgment and calm and ensure that your child isn't under the influence of drugs or alcohol or any substance.
When you are having this conversation, go down to their level. For instance, if they are sitting, then sit down with them. If they're on the floor, sit with them on the floor, flat on their bed, sit with them on the bed, have open body language. Don't cross your arms, try and have a calm look on your face. And remember if you speak slowly.
And calmly, it's very hard to raise your voice so lower your voice speak slowly. And that will in itself creates a very calm and comforting atmosphere in the discussion. Ensure that there's not going to be any interruptions like the younger brothers and sisters or phone calls or knocks on doors, make sure that you have this time just for the two of you or however many of the family or.
Maybe, um, both parents and the child are sitting together, make sure that there's going to be no interruptions. And while you are trying your very, very best to stay calm throughout the conversation, as much as you are worried, frustrated, and feeling all those mixed emotions as your teenager gets angry and frustrated and defensive, just stay calm.
Speak calmly and come to them from a place of love and concern so that you can show your support to them and that they can see your support. It doesn't help to say. I want to help you in a shouting angry voice. It has a much better effect. When you say I want to help you coming from love, calmness and understanding, it also helps to make sure that your child understands that you accept that what's happened has happened.
And that what you are going to do now is focused on taking the right steps for the future. You can't change the past, but you can change the future. It's so important here to actually listen to your teenager, especially when you ask them why they started using drugs in the first place. Was it peer pressure?
Where are they depressed? Where they suffering from anxiety? What was the cause? This is your chance to really take onboard the reasonings. So you can both learn and focus and be more informed about their choices in their future. If you both hit a brick wall, then don't give up, take a break and arrange to talk.
When you are both feeling calmer and your heads are clearer later on in that day. Illustrates your concern and support throughout the conversation, make sure you express it and show it. Well, let them know that the reason behind the talk is because you want your teenager to be healthy, safe, and happy, and you want to have a good relationship with them.
Let them know that you want them to be honest with you even. If they know that honesty is not what you want to hear. The honest truth is better than hearing an honest lie and that you will listen without judgment. And yes, you might get angry with them, but that is because you care about them throughout the conversation, demonstrate compassion so that your teenager sees that you own really crying your very best to understand their situation.
Open ended questions always have more success rather than simple. Yes or no questions. Like do you enjoy taking drugs that is not going to get you anywhere? Your teenager may have a lot on their mind and they can use this opportunity to open up to you. However, Be very, very mindful that your child may not open up completely because they are fearful or they might be embarrassed.
So it's vital to read and listen between the words and look at their body language and their facial expressions because you know your child best while you're talking. Don't forget that the physical connection is very, very important too. So. Put your hand on theirs or give them a hug when it's appropriate.
As parents, it's very natural to want to show your concerns, but make sure that you do it in a non-judgemental way. You may even want to mention the uncharacteristic behavior that they've been, uh, portraying, but. Also ensure that you praise them to, for example, you can explain that you've noticed their concentration has been lacking, but also mentioned how helpful they have been around the house.
You might hit some barriers. Such as your teenager worrying about being truly open or lying or denying even the drug use is this is the case. You will need to just reassure them that you really care for them and that you want them to stay healthy and happy. Don't punish them for lying. They will feel more scared than you realize to even confined in you.
In anything in the future. Thank them for being open. Thank thing for opening up and for talking to you. In terms of addressing the drug use and how to move forward, you will need to discuss the limits and boundaries and goals for yourself and your teenager to focus on it is so important to share your findings too, so that your teenager is more informed.
For instance, what the effects are of the drugs that they are using and what could happen to them if they were caught with these drugs. For instance, of course, they will need to understand the consequences, but also put in place some positive reinforcement. So moving forward, unfortunately they will not just be one conversation.
When it comes to drugs, you will need to regularly check in with your teenager and review your goals. Have they managed to, to keep to those boundaries? You will also need to frequently assess the rules. And the consequences to keep them on track. Remember, you are not your child and your child, isn't you.
So we all have unique ways of experiencing life and of making choices. Be mindful that your child is going to experience life in their own way. No matter what we say as a parent, if you notice that your child is not coping or is feeling overwhelmed emotionally, and that their mental health is suffering, then please find help.
Get in touch with your GP or get in touch with me. I would love to help your child build a more resilient self and help them help themselves make the right choices in life. I hope you found this discussion helpful, and that has made you think a bit deeper on how we communicate with our children in stressful situations and how important it is to stay calm and focused and approach things from a place of love and understanding.
This is the meditation that will help you let go of worry and stress. If you're driving, then please don't listen to this right now. You can push, pause and listen to it later. And if you would home, then find a comfortable position, either sitting or lying down where it's quiet. And you won't be interrupted.
Make yourself comfortable, maybe catch blankets, cover yourself up kit or cozy, and just listen to my voice. As you allow yourself to let go of any worry or stress, close your eyes all the way down already allowing your body. Her mind to let go and relax,
breathe normally in, through your mouth and out.
Now, swap it around and praise in through your nose and out through your mouth.
Now, swap it around again into your mouth.
And now just breathe.
And as you keep your eyes closed, you focus on your surroundings. And see if you can memorize things that all around you in the room without opening your eyes, allow yourself to walk around the room and notice things.
This will help you realize that your unconscious mind. He's constantly taking in anything without you even noticing. Your unconscious mind is never sleeping. That's always awake, observing, listening, and storing memories
to think of yourself. Standing at the top of a Hill. And as you look down the Hill at the bottom, you see a beautiful Lake. And as I count you down, you kind of walk down the Hill toward the Lake and you notice says 10 trees in a line, down the Hill.
And each time I say a number you're going to pass one of the trees and gently ever so gently. You're going to brush the bark with the inside of your hand. So you start walking down and you reach 10 touching the Bach, walking down even further nine. Touching the next street as each step, you allow yourself to feel more relaxed, going deeper into relaxation.
And feeling very relaxed and calm.
Very relaxed and safe. As you move down the Hill closer to the Lake six, you feel the texture of the bark of the tree. On your hand. As you pass the seventh street,
walking down to number six, you can feel the crunch of the cross. And the tweaks under your feet,
five further down, fairly relaxed
for more relaxed. Now. Very deeply relaxed, Surrey, calm. Almost weightless too,
very peaceful now, and one, and you've reached a bottom and as you reach the bottom, you notice the Lake in front of you and you walk towards the Lake and you can feel the sun on your skin and you just feel very relaxed. Calm
and you take your shoes off when you feel the water is warm and you decide you're going to go for swim
and you take off your clothes and you. Get into the water. Justin you're underway,
feeding, excited, but calm, enjoying the warm water against your skin. As you go deep into the looter,
and then you just lie back in the water and you just float on your back in the Lake. And it's very calm. There's no wind, the water's warm and there's no one around just you and the Lake. And as you lie, floating in the Lake and look up at the clouds and you notice how the clouds are just passing one by one.
The clouds are just passing by in the sky
and you lie in the Lake and you close your eyes and you can feel the water in your fingers as you stretch your arms out. And you're just floating. Without any effort to just float calmly, peacefully, and very, very relaxed now. And I'd like you to just take a couple of deep breaths. And as you do this, I want you to imagine every time you exhale, all your worry and your stress leaves your body with each breath and with each breath that you inhale, you're breathing in this beautiful blue sky.
I'm fresh, a
breathe in as you breathe out, let go of all the stress and worry and breathing again. Fresh, a peaceful calm. And as you breathe out, any worry or stress, because there's nothing to do about this. He's worries. Oh, things that might not even happen. And there's no point on holding them inside your body because they make you feel tired and stressed and they'd bring anxiety.
Just allow them to just float out of your body with each breath that you breathe, you feel yourself becoming lighter and more weightless.
That you identify leaves your body with each breath.
And as you think of the worries that you might. So be having in your head, just breathe into those worries and just let them flow out, allowing them to just escape into the universe, just like a cloud and watch them as they drift off, drift away, not affecting you at all. Even you feeling peaceful and calm in this moment of complete relaxation as you just float in this Lake
and allow yourself to just enjoy this moment, feeling free of worry. Free of stress
and remind yourself that goal, your experiences, or thought creative
and your thoughts create your reality. And if you think of stress, you create stress. If you think of calmness and peace, you create calmness and peace.
So now allow yourself to just think of a very peaceful and calm place. It might be a place that, you know, Who are places that you can imagine in your head, in your mind's eye, you can create this. And just think of it, beautiful place.
Notice how, just by thinking of it, how calm you feel and how relaxed you feel
and remind yourself that you can make yourself feel calm and relaxed.
By choosing the thoughts that you're focused on
now repeat after me, I feel safe. I feel calm and I choose to be here
and I can, I feel safe. Safe. I feel calm and I choose to be here.
And one more time. I feel safe
and I choose to be here.
Swim to the side of the Lake. As you feel your body gliding through the water, and as you get out, you feel alive, you feel calm, you feel taller. Even you feel stronger.
And you walk towards the trees that lead the way up to the Hill.
And as you get dressed,
You know, it's just, the accounts have completely cleared and the sky is a perfect blue, no counts. Everything seems clear now. And you start walking up and as you walk up. You touch the ball of the tree with your hand? Again, one going up to a big walking, very calmly feeling happy and relaxed. Three. For even higher, you go five feeling really calm, six, starting to feel more aware of your surroundings.
Seven.
Moving your fingers in your toes, eight, almost at the top. Now feeling more alert nine and 10, and you open your eyes and you're back in the room feeling really calm, really relaxed. Noticing that you don't have any worries now because you know,
There's nothing to worry about. Everything is as a way it should be.
Thank you for listening. If you'd like to follow me on Instagram, Facebook, or LinkedIn, you can find me on Tracy. Kimberg hypnotherapist. You can message me on any of those platforms or you can get hold of me@tracykim.com, forget to leave a review. And you can also let me know if there's anything specific you would like me to talk about on my podcast.
I'd love to hear it. If there's. Any specific subject that you might find interesting. And we'd like to note a little bit more about, have a lovely week and remember be kind to yourself until next time.

Young people don't come with an instruction manual! Tracy Kimberg spoke to Paola Royal to figure out the secret to raising mentally healthy and resilient children.

Paola can be fond at https://www.healthylivingwithpaolaroyal.co.uk/

For help with any issues raised in this podcast, or for a free initial consultation, contact Tracy:

Facebook: www.facebook.com/Tracy.Kimberg.Counselling.Therapy.Coaching/

Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/tracy-kimberg-9564a3193/

Instagram: www.instagram.com/tracy_kimberg_hypnotherapist/

Website: www.tracykimberg.com

My name is Tracy Kimberg and I'm a counseling hypnotherapists practitioner and teenage therapist, but I'm also a mother of three amazing daughters. You know what I've often wondered how helpful it would have been. If they'd handed me. An instruction manual when my child was born so that I just would know whatever I have to do.
Just follow the manual and guaranteed. I will be a perfect parent. Everything will go fine, but no, this is not how it works in real life. Parenting changes day by day, curve balls get thrown at me and my child unexpectedly. And to make it even more complicated, each child is uniquely different and reacts differently to exactly the same thing.
But this is all perfectly normal. So what are the basics of raising mentally healthy and resilient children? I invited my dear friend Palo Royal to discuss this with me so we could figure out together what is the secret
I'm a Towner, um, out a year ago, I think maybe a little bit less than a year. And Paula has an incredible understanding about, um, how you can be okay with whatever's going on around you and not get overwhelmed. And I think, um, with teenagers and with children, it's very overwhelming to experience any type of emotion.
Um, and sometimes, um, I think we make the mistake of actually teaching children that it's not good to feel angry. It's not good to feel. Um, annoyed. It's not good to feel your emotions. You have to be happy. You have to be positive. You have to, you have to not be negative. And, um, I don't think that's very helpful for children specifically.
What do you think? What you, you just pointed it out. You know, we get overwhelmed, you know, so we get overwhelmed with our child and we get overwhelmed with the situation. And, uh, they're, it's, it's really, really interesting to see that actually our children, when they get born, they are perfect. They're perfect human beings.
And then through, um, people, circumstances and events, um, there start changing and we are all, um, brought up to be conditioned to think that outside circumstances are responsible for the way we feel. Hmm. And also we'll be looking for the answers from the outside and, um, that is what our children, the same thing.
So now when we can see, or we can be, be, can start to pick up the child where it needs to be picked up, but not putting on the child, what we think, how the child should be. So for example, I'm taking an example for my son, um, And normally I, I was brought up, you know, to thank you, go to school and then afterwards to do an education and then you have the job and it's all wonderful.
And then you can let go of that child. Um, but my son also, um, didn't want it to go into education. So he was in school and then afterwards he, uh, went to college. And then he worked in holiday for my husband, and then he decided actually, I don't really want to continue with education. I had enough, I have enough of occupation and he was just turning 18.
And, uh, I just want to work for the moment and. I could hear my little me coming up saying, Hmm. But it should do really an education. First of all, you know, before he goes out in the big wide world and starts working, but that was not my son. And he had a very good idea. So, um, we, we looked at it from all angles and we all thought, you know, he did music technology in college and Exeter and we all thought, wow, that's really fun.
You know? So let's, you know, let's, let's. Get him done. Um, but he didn't want to do it. Wasn't for him. And then I clearly saw with this understanding, knowing how my experience is created, I did clearly see that it is something I wanted my son to be, but that wasn't, my son is perfect and he is resilient, you know?
And. He got everything he needs in him and I it's for me to hold him to how to spec. I think I explained it the other day, we were talking about it before we started to do that podcast. And I explained it like a flower when we have a child, it is we, we, we have a seed which is in the earth and we need to nourish it.
We need to look after it. But we can't do the growing for that child. We can't do the growing of that plant. The growing that plant is doing itself. And we don't know if that bland turns up with, well, we know around the color, but not exactly the color it's going to have. We don't know how many pedals it's going to have and it's on us.
To nourish it and to hold it, maybe when there's a wind coming, you know, to hold its back to hold its sight. He knows that it's not falling over in the wind, but the growing. That child is doing himself. Right. So true. You know, um, it's very difficult. Um, I think the hard part about parenting is when your child is going through a difficult time, because you really feel their pain and, um, that, um, is, is hard too.
Um, But you want to maybe fix it. You want to figure out what can I fix? What can I do to change it? You want to have an action. That's going to fix this problem. Um, but a lot of the times, or your child's needs in those moments is just your support. Like you say, your, you being there, being able to sit there with them, listen to them and allow them to feel whatever they feeling without judgment.
Um, you know, um, but it's not always easy as a twin. You see your child upset. You often end up in tears as well. It's, it's very difficult, but that's, uh, that's what we need to practice is just allowing yourself to, um, be the support system and helping them to find solutions to, um, helping them explore different options that are suitable for them.
Because like you say, you're not your child, your child's not you. And you might think a solution. That would work for you, which not necessarily would work for your child. It's difficult. Mm, it is, and it can be very, very hard and, um, it can be very tearful for us. It can be very frustrating for us parents, um, very much so.
And that's okay as well. But when we understand how our moment, moment experience is creating that we live in a thought created reality. So it's not my child who makes me. Said of Australia is my thinking about that child, because I want to save that child. And when I can see that, then I can sit in that sadness and be okay with it and embrace my sadness because I know it's.
Thought creating this reality. And I know it's passing through me like the clouds in the sky passing by, and I can sit in that sadness and they can cry my eyes out and I don't have to change it because I know my experience is going to change on its own. It's going to be something different in the next moment.
But then when I know that, then there's nothing for me to do nothing to change. I don't have to change their child, but I can hold it back because I know then like you just ride the set as well. I can not think like my child and my child pin or think like me, you know, we are completely different. Um, identities.
But what connects us is our unconditional love with that child is, has nothing to do what I personally think how the child should live their life, but to love that child, however it should. So if we could only create a world where, um, All human beings could live unconditionally in a love bubble. It would be such a lovely world.
And, you know, I think I see children in my practice that, you know, their self-worth and their self value is so low. And, you know, it's not only external factors from parents that affect them like that. Um, you know, our job as parents is to try and help children. To be resilient. Yes. The world, the word of the century probably is resilience, but, um, to help them understand that, um, their thoughts are what creates the emotions in that moment.
And I, you know, I think we underestimate the intelligence of children, even young children. How do you think, um, for the mom, the dad or people that are heavily young children, how do you think you can help a young child understand that? They emotions are created by thought. Hmm. Well, they actually, in-between a few books out there.
Uh, one I actually wanted to send to you, uh, written by, uh, she not Oxo and I haven't sent it out yet. And, um, this explains really beautiful and really easy words. Um, how our moment to moment experience is created. And, uh, she did that with pictures. It's really. Really easy, easy read. And, uh, as a parent, you know, you can work through this book with your child.
And, uh, I actually find that as younger, the person is, it's easier to actually understand them. So there's also a podcast we're just going to come out already. Yeah. Should be out already for a while, but it's going to come out where we interviewed one, uh, child, um, Sheena and I've interviewed, they had one child.
Um, and the resilience said child has and how their child experiences understanding. And, um, yes. So it's talking about that. And so, um, there are ways it's very simple. Um, we're simple words. And, uh, I, for example, I was working once voluntarily in the way, MCA in Exeter, and it was talking to one of the young adults there and, um, He wanted to do some work with me.
And, um, just said before we do that, let's have a look how your experience is created. And so we sat down together and we just worked on that and just, I just said, what do you think, where do your feelings are coming from? And he just said like this, and then at the other. And I just said, it's thought, thought in the moment.
About an outside circumstance about something else. And he looked at me and he started laughing and I said, why are you laughing? And he just said, why nobody ever told me that. And it was so simple and he really straight away he got it. He just did understand it. It's because young people, they haven't got so much clutter they're carrying around through the life as, as we already have.
And they don't make things complicated. They're, they're keep things really easy. And you know, when you explain it to them and you say like, look, you know, your experience is like a cloud in the sky. And, you know, that's moving along, you know, and then comes the next thing, you know, or you see like a thought bubble or, you know, uh, I explained it as well to one child.
Like you sitting in this UFO. You know, UFO and you experienced life only out of this UFO, you know, and then, you know, we just started to play with that around, you know, that you can see it out of you UFO, and then your parents can see it out of bears and you know, and then you started it. So is there that loads of ways?
So you can, yes. Now you can explain it how you can explain it in a very simple way. Mm. Yes. And I think, um, you know, um, there. It's it takes practice, um, for us as human beings, because we were brought up in a certain way. And, um, I often, I don't know if you find it, but often find myself repeating something that my mother used to say to my children, we've programmed.
Um, and we can unprogrammed ourselves or reprogram ourselves and it takes practice, you know, um, I wouldn't say it needs practice. I just think, you know, when we have an insight, so like yesterday I had a client and she just suddenly said like, Oh no, it doesn't work that way. That's the little insight you get, you know, because what I'm talking about, what we're talking about here is about an understanding.
It's a fundamental understanding how, you know, how we work, how, where, how, how our experience is created. So it's not. Uh, any technique, but an understanding it's like gravity, you know, there is a mathematical equation behind how gravity works, you know, and through knowing that we are able to build airplanes and they can fly.
And that's the same with us human beings, you know? So when you have this understanding and you start to see. See that it's something which works insightful. So you have this aha moment. And when you start to see that you can't make that unseen, you know? And, um, so it's not really practice. I know what you mean with practice, but that's also something we think, you know, we need to learn and then we need to do it and it's repetitive and dirty, but it is something which just falls into place automatically.
And we are required. Mm, you know, it's like when Europe start to build in you, it's like a new input comes in and then it builds in Europe will effect like a stone going in the water and it builds this ripples. And that's how it works as well. You know? So it comes in, builds a ripple, and then it goes on the next year and builds a ripple.
And then it just starts to fall into place in a different way.
it's actually amazing. And, um, you know, I see, um, with my children, you know, how just showing that acceptance and unconditional love, um, uh, through. You know, explaining to them that, you know, it's okay to feel, however you feel. It's okay to have these experiences that you are going through, how it calms him down.
Um, it just brings calmness, um, by showing them that it's like you say your it's your thought created reality. They definitely laugh. That's an unconditional love come as all down. And I just think, you know, that's, that's what the kids really need, you know, to be there and then know they can trust us. And as soon as they can trust us, you know, that it's a completely different relationship.
It's more inflow, isn't it then. But it's in flow. It's not always easy once again. Um, we know when, when you're, when something goes completely wrong and your child does something completely. Off the charts that's, um, that's difficult to handle and to not get angry and to not, you know, want to lose your cool, um, You know, I suppose once again, that's when you have to focus on your own reality, that your thought process is in and what, what are you thinking in that moment?
Why are you getting so upset? That's one thing. And I just think it's a really important thing as a parent as well, too. When you start to understand how your mind works, you start to be less judgemental with yourself. You know, when you see they are all this parenting books, you know, and you get this parenting book out, you know, and it says X, Y, Z, you know, and then you try that out with your child.
Like we all know, and it's not working, you know? So why is it working in that book? And it's not working with me and, Oh, I'm a terrible person. I'm a terrible parent, you know, I should know better. And you know, daddy, daddy, but. Actually, you know, we all doing every moment and your thing, you know, every moment is fresh for us, for our children.
So returning as a parent, always new and fresh, and there is no recipe for parenting, you know, and we always, always give the best we can in every moment we don't know any different. So it can let ourselves off the hook in that moment. We don't know it any different, but when we can start to see that, I cannot think like you, and you cannot think like me and how my experience is created, that this child, my experience is not coming from the child, but from me what I'm thinking in the moment about that child.
So my frustration I'm having. It's from thought. About this child, whatever it is, because probably I wanted to react in a different way, or maybe I want to do something completely different. And then the child turns up and wants something off me, but I actually busy with something else. And then I get frustrated and it escalates or whatever it can be, you know?
But when I can see that for myself and I think especially now as well with them, the third lockdown and all this family's sitting at home together and you don't hardly get any spare time on your own as well. It can be, it can seem very, very hard. And then it's very important to, to know what's going on for me and look after myself, nourish myself, looking after myself.
But I do know when the door opens and my child wants something for me, my reaction is not maybe then. Very nice because I want to do X, Y, Z. When I start to see that, I know I don't need to react this way. Uh, just less just lets everyone off the hook. Doesn't it? Yeah. It just lets everyone off the hook. And I think, um, it brings a lot of calmness and acceptance and love into the house.
Hmm, when you say it's all about control and, uh, you know, letting go of that control, isn't it? We, so I don't know what it is about being human and control. We are human, human humanists, you know, that's what we do. We don't know what yeah. We want to control, um, everything that we lay our hands on, even our children, but I think.
What the secret is, is, and the less you control your children, the more they are happy. And they're more you feel in control because what makes you feel out of control is when your child is unhappy. You think, Oh, I need to fix it. I need to, um, something's not right. What's going on? What can I do to fix it?
I'm the mother, I'm the parent. I have to fix it. But you know, in letting yourself accept that this is just a thought created reality, and you need to let this whole thing, just take its process and pass through you. Your, um, your child gets calm because you are calm. They learn how to react in this exact same way.
And it just brings calmness, doesn't it? Mm, absolutely. Absolutely. Um, yeah, and it's, it's a small, what comes up for me is. As well, giving responsibility to the child, you know? So when we, like you said assault before, you know, it, it's really important to start to, um, give this child responsibility what we often don't do.
You know, we want to protect it from absolutely everything, but this child is resilient and has this resilience in it. And it is for us to point out, for example, danger. So for example, uh, um, another thing would happen to my child. Um, my first husband, he, um, was more the careful men and my husband. Now he's more the guy who likes to do dangerous sports and, and so on and so on.
And we took him to, um, to Wales, into the Cory in North Wales. And we went in there and there are signs where it says dangerous, don't go there. And he was teaching thin that, you know, you can go there, but you need to take responsibility. So what we doing today in our society is that we don't even let our children go to.
Different areas, you know, instead of explaining them, you know, you can go there, but you need to look out for X, Y, Z, that you know, that nothing happens that you take responsibility, that nothing happens to you, but you always take responsibility to the situation, you know, and we don't do that anymore. So it is really, um, And it's important for the child to learn, to be responsible.
And it's actually thanking us indirectly for that. You know, they'd be trusting. And I think that's a very important point too. It is, or you're making me actually laugh inside because I, um, Um, I'm a rule breaker of nature. You know, I, I liked breaking rules because I like taking calculated risks. So I'm the one that, for instance, um, if there's a walk and it says danger, don't go here with a fence.
I might even climb the fence because there's no danger.
I always say, now I'm willing to face the consequences. Um, and yes, it is important because, um, you know, we live in a society where children are completely, um, my partner always says, brought up in cotton wool. Yeah. You know, and they can't experience things. Um, if I think how we were in, we were young, we were left to.
Bicycle in the streets and do whatever we wanted to climb trees, go swimming the river without your parents. We just went crazy, doing anything we wanted, but the children nowadays aren't, they're not allowed. Um, And it's not only because we, as parents say, they're not allowed a society that says yeah.
What is society? Society is as humans, but it is because as humans, we don't take responsibility anymore, you know? So when you climb over that fence, you know? Yeah. Why is it that they put the danger sign up is because they want to protect themselves because there are some people who don't take responsibility, you know, and then the claimant on the owner of that property, for example, or, um, they don't care for the environment, which is there.
And that's the reason, you know, yes. Climb over that fence, but be responsible, be responsible to yourself and as well when something happens to you or to me in that case, you know, and it's my responsibility. I would never, you know, claim. You know, and say like, look, it's all your fault because you, whatever, you know, make a fence high enough,
you know, the environment as well that we look out for nature, that we look out for the environment where we, which we entering in that moment. You know, I think it's really important that we take respect for that too.
talking about, uh, taking responsibility, teaching your child to take responsibility. How do you think in today's times, do children learn consequences? Because I don't see, um, a lot of that. I think, um, children don't have consequences nowadays, if you don't because you learn responsibility because you have to learn, there's a consequence to every choice you make, there's a consequence or decisions to whatever you do, but children nowadays there's a Tuesday or no consequences.
If you look how they can do whatever they like at school, that the teachers aren't allowed to, you know, punish or do anything, um, If a child, for instance, doesn't do their homework. There's no consequence. I think, um, I'm, I'm not sure about that. I mean, I know what you mean, you know, but, um, there are still somewhere consequences, you know, they're coming up somewhere in their life, you know?
So I think, I wouldn't say consequences, but obstacles isn't there. So I mean, life happens, you know, and it happens to, to each and everyone in different ways and it shows up in different ways and. Um, so I wouldn't, I, I don't know. I think it, it comes the way it it's supposed to come in that way, you know?
So, um, it's very difficult when we don't have, um, a certain case we talking in the moment, you know, so to, to talk about that, I find a bit. Yeah. Well, for instance, if you've, if you look, uh, for instance, uh, children drinking or using drugs, Okay. Um, there's a consequence that's against the law. So you can point go to jail or you can get into trouble with the police, or if you take drugs, um, the same as if you, um, drink under aged, you can get into trouble.
You can't go to jail, but either your, your you're getting into trouble. There's a consequence. But, um, You see, I think a lot of the time, because of the way some parents overcompensate, because of, um, the way they were brought up in a society. That generation, where there was a huge consequence, you would get a hiding from your parents or you were expelled from school or something like that.
In our days, if you did anything wrong, you got expelled from school or you got gated, you know, you weren't allowed to go out or you got, uh, hygiene. Um, a lot of parents nowadays do not have. Any, um, they going completely the opposite way and saying, well, if you want to take drugs, take drugs. If you want to drink, drink, if you want to, um, you know, stay out at night.
I'd know for instance, that in this town where I live Dorchester, they are kids 14, 15 year old walking the streets at two, three o'clock in the morning and their parents know about it. It's dangerous. So they close their children in directly to very dangerous circumstances thinking, Oh, well, if, if they want to do it, they must do it.
I don't either. I know me too. I mean, I, but that's my opinion, you know, so that parent probably sees it completely different and that's, that's where we see again, different realities, you know? So when I think maybe his ride is something completely different for you, you know? Um, so, but what I see is, again, this goes in for me to, to give responsibility to that child and talk it over.
So for me personally, it was always very, very important to keep the conversation open with my son and, um, I think that was really good because for me, it was really important that he knows he can come to me with whatever is happening in his life. Um, so he can, he can come and he took and talk about it and he knows he's safe when he's talking about that.
You know, so, but what I think is a child needs boundaries. And I think as a parent, you will. Indirectly set this boundaries. So the child is doing whatever. And you as a parent, um, say, I don't agree with this. You know, I don't agree with it, you know, in the end up from a certain age, like 40 and 50, and it's a bit tricky now to really get through with, you know, what you think, you know, should be done.
Like I said, should be done what I think in my life, but it's something completely different for that child, but I can say, look, I don't agree with it, but give them the reason why as well. And then. Um, we say there are no consequences. I mean, for example, with Chuck's, there are consequences and the consequences are very clear, uh, and that is the health.
You know, so that's the biggest consequence of all, you know, so you can really point out as a, as an adult, as a parent, as a teacher and whatever, you know, we need to educate our children. I think education is absolutely key in everything. How should they know when they're not educated? So no, they do know the risks and when they're still doing it, Look then in the end, it's there buddy.
It's there. It's it's them. And I can only say, look, I'm not agreeing with you. I don't do it in front of me, but still for me, it's very important to keep that conversation open. And I'm convinced when we, as parents and adults keep the conversation open then and give responsibility to our children, then they actually don't even.
In most cases, I can't speak for everything, everyone, but I just think in most cases then the, actually the child doesn't even go that far, that they get so far off the rail. I say now, Yeah, I think they're going through phases and children as well. They need to try the new and they need to do that experience, you know, and if you know, it's one thing when I tell them, I remember my parents say, you know, X, Y, Z to me.
And, you know, I said, look, I have to go this my set of, through that myself. I need to do this experience myself. It's great that you're saying that and that you want to protect me from it. But look, here I am. And. You know, and, but I, me personally, I don't know about you. I always said my parents in the background, you know, when I was, my father was always saying, Oh, you spending your time with this dark people, dark, not dark in color, but you know, dark in, uh, They were from a background.
My, my father didn't like, for example, you know, there's this dog person, you know, in dark, in not how can I say, I know what you mean. It's like kids, I don't want that color. It's not, it's like that. Um, How can you say that? Like the, um, the emo people, you know, the people were that Wade black and the eyeliner and, but people that are, do things against what your parents think, you know, that person, you know, it's like, Oh, you know, my, I headed in my background, you know, my father thinks, you know, my parents thinking, Hmm.
I was sitting there with all this. They were friends of mine and I liked it, but somehow I thought, you know, is it really, you know, the right group of people on here? And I spent my time with some dodgy people when I was younger for a short time, you know? But on the other side, you know, they're all filled with NAF and now they're all coming from the same place.
And I learned from it and I learned one thing today from it, like then for today. And that is that we are all the same. All the same and you know, what, through everything, what our children going through, there's learning involved. Hmm. Exactly. Every experience is a learning experience, stays in touch. Um, and that's what we need to remember.
I think, um, it's about letting go of that control and allowing your child to experience their own life. And grow into their own person and love them for whoever they want to be and to whoever they want to become, you know? And. I don't know. Um, you know, I've, I I've had friends in the past that have said that they feel disappointed in their children.
I'm a lucky parent. I've never felt my child is a disappointment. I I'm, I love my kids. They're also different and they're all unique in their own way. I love them to bits, but, um, I think there's nothing more hurtful than for your child to feel that they are a disappointment. Hmm. You know, no child deserves to feel disappointed.
Um, like a disappointment. Yeah. It's interesting. It's uh, we can talk forever about this country. It's so interesting. Yeah. I just want to say something to that. I mean, when you think it's a disappointment, you know, what is a disappointment, you know, it is for you. It disappointment for you as a parent, a disappointment because you have beliefs around your knife, you know how your life is, you know, how your shot a child should be.
Um, and, and w. That's that's what we reflecting then on that child. And then we start to see that it's ours, you know, and we take responsibility again, beg for what is ours, you know? And that, that has nothing to do with our child, that this child is. Is a new seed. We're just growing and it's its own identity, its own perfect human being, showing up in its own ways.
You know, when we can start seeing that.
So Paula, um, To kind of sum it up, um, in a couple of sentences, what would you say the key to emotional wellbeing is for children? The key for emotional. Well to understand mindset and to have loving, caring parents or foster parents or people around their child who is holding the child's bag to understand that child, to trust that child, to give responsibility and laugh.
Laugh is most important. You know, it's not, we are not here to, we don't need to, uh, help someone, but we need to hold people's bags and the same with children, you know, and it is, you know, the love, the unconditional love that is that what connects us or. We all are love Andre. That's all made of as, like you said, right in the beginning, I think it was what you started with when you say it, that we were all born.
Perfect. So, yeah. And we still are perfect perfectly. Individualized in our own unique way. Perfectly unperfect humanists. Yeah. If you could just take it with a little, little, um, Trimble of humanness and a little bit more fun and not take life so seriously, you know? Yeah. Thank you so, so much parlor for joining me.
It's been a lovely experience and it was wonderful. I'll see you again soon. Yes. So I'm going to share, um, that, the name of that book in the notes. So please do send me that link. I'll add it in the notes for the great young children. Yeah, have a lovely day. Bye. Bye

This is a free downloadable hypnosis from episode 12 of the Waves Of Clarity podcast (exploring the mental health challenges facing young people) which you can download and play whenever you wish. As always, do not listen to this audio if you are driving or operating heavy machinery.

Tracy Kimberg is a Counselling Hypnotherapist Practitioner and specialises in working with young people.

For help with any issues raised in this podcast, or for a free initial consultation, contact Tracy:

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Website: www.tracykimberg.com

In this episode, Tracy explores the mental health challenges facing young people and offers practical advice for parents and carers to help them through any difficulties they may face, followed by a bonus free hypnosis session.

Links referenced in the podcast:

Text: 82111

Email:frank@talktofrank.com

Tracy Kimberg is a Counselling Hypnotherapist Practitioner and specialises in working with young people.

For help with any issues raised in this podcast, or for a free initial consultation, contact Tracy:

Facebook: www.facebook.com/Tracy.Kimberg.Counselling.Therapy.Coaching/

Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/tracy-kimberg-9564a3193/

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My name is Tracy Kimberg. I'm a counseling hypnotherapists practitioner, and I am really excited about this episode. I really enjoy helping teenagers in my practice. I don't think it's easy being a teenager, especially now teenagers have so many problems and we go to just delve a little deeper into how teenagers are coping in lockdown and what parents can do.
You as parents or you as teenagers listening, what you can do to cope better and to help build your resilience and help build your happiness. And of course your relationships at the end, going to do another hypnotherapy, download for you completely free something that's going to help you relax. It's called a body scan.
And for those of you that have never done it, it's nothing to do with x-rays. It's just you doing a very, very effective relaxation technique. That's going to help you relax and feel calm. When we look at the statistics about mental health, it says that 50% of mental health problems are established by the age of 1475.
By the age of 24, I find this really shocking and truly reveals that our teenagers are finding life more challenging than we may realize. So let's explore teenage mental health a bit more, and let's find out what we can do when our teenagers can't cope. Thinking back of when I was a teenager, I can remember it.
Wasn't easy. You have a lot of pressures and you experience things so intensely teenagers have a lot to deal with. Yes, they hormones can wreck havoc on emotions and can naturally lead to individuals experiencing many highs and lows. But teen mental health, like adults can also be effected by all sorts of factors.
Of course, we can't deny that biological factors such as genetics or recovering from a brain injury or an infection, or perhaps even a disease or prenatal damage could cause mental health issues. But in my experience as a therapist, I have seen the environmental factors that directly affect teenagers, mental health.
And it's the triggers from the environment and the stress that adolescence cannot deal with, which causes them to have this feeling of complete Oh, the well, so let's discuss some of these environmental factors. Bullying for instance, so many children are affected by bullying. Bullying seems to have become a culture which has been ignored for so long bullying needs to be addressed.
And thank goodness a lot of the schools have got safeguarding rules in place to prevent these things from happening. But I still see the results of bullying when my clients sit in front of me. Some of them adults and they have still got issues and triggers that as a result of being bullied children of today have so many schoolwork demands.
I don't know about you, but my children that have been homeschooling or really under so much stress. It takes a lot of effort to constantly reassure them that what they're doing is right. What they're doing is going to pay off. And that, yes, they're not going to be writing exams for instance, but to hard work will pay off in the end.
It's difficult to keep them motivated when they don't have something as a reference. Trauma and emotional and physical or sexual abuse is a definite factor of obviously mental health problems, unstable or dysfunctional home environment. A lot of people have a dysfunctional family life, either divorce or there's problems there between the parents.
And it definitely does affect to the adolescent. So being mindful when you are having problems in your relationships to focus on how that could possibly be affecting your children and focus on the emotions, speak to them and try and help them process. All their feelings. And the only way you can do that is by talking if a child has a chronic illness like asthma, or is overweight, that can definitely also contribute to their mental health.
So. In a case where you have picked up where your child might have a problem with a self image or their bonded body image or something that they have a chronic problem with. Maybe they have anxiety problems or they have a chronic illness. For instance, with asthma, like I said, or diabetic, it's very helpful to get them to talk to somebody about their feelings so that they can process it.
And find a different way of voicing their emotions and processing different coping techniques. First will help them feel more loved and accepted. Loss is a definite factor in an adolescent. You will know that the one day an adolescent is best friends with a friend and the next day they don't talk to each other.
It's in and out. It's full on, in or full on out with a teenager, they take loss extremely seriously, and unfortunately teenagers see loss directly as rejection, and they feel that they are not good enough. So when your child goes through any type of loss, whether it's a friend or perhaps even a family member or a pet or anything that has a slight link to loss, be mindful to talk to your child about how they can process these feelings of loss.
And that it isn't really. Anything to do with their self-worth. When someone chooses to walk away from them, for instance, or a friendship goes wrong and that they need to be mindful that people come and go in their lives. Um, all the time people come, they teach her a lesson and they might leave. It doesn't mean that you are.
So there's something wrong with you when your friend walks away. For instance, you could say that. A natural disaster. Oh my goodness. This is what we are in at the moment. COVID COVID has definitely affected the mental health of so many youngsters. It feels like they have nothing to look forward to, which is a complaint I hear every single day.
There's nothing to look forward to. I can't see my friends. I can't do anything. It's just boring. All I can do is. You know, stay in my room or whatever. So, you know, it's very important that they find some kind of, um, safety, a feeling of safety, a feeling of belonging and a feeling of, um, looking forward to the future through.
Obviously us as parents, we need to discuss these feelings with them and help them see that this is something that's definitely going to pass. We can't say when we can't put a time limit to the situation that we're in now, but if the children are. I'm constantly reminded that everything passes and that we can still enjoy our lives away.
They are make something special, make a special family time, make sure that you try and differentiate for instance, between how you are in the week versus the weekend. Because a lot of children are feeling that every day feels the same and it's just like a Groundhog day, as they say. Violence is a definite, um, effect has a definite effect on teenage mental health or witnessing any traumatic event.
Now, this is a very sensitive subject because how do we police, what our children see? How do we police? What they watch, how do we police? What games they play on the internet. It's very, very difficult. There is so much violence out there. But because we can't actually physically, um, police them in that sense, or we can do, as parents is talk to our children, talk to them about how they feel about finance, talk to them about.
What's going on in the news, talk to them about the games they play to them about what, what they might have heard. Um, you know, and how violence is not the answer to problems and make sure that they, that they can come to you when, um, they all feeling that something has happened, that they might find, um, could be violent and, um, uh, talk to you about.
Uh, anything really? That's very, very important. Another thing that can really affect teenagers is a pressure of cultural or social expectations. It makes them feel really inadequate when they have such high expectations. A perfect example is for instance, um, in the GCSE here, for instance, the children, aren't under so much pressure to decide whether they're going to do a levels, whether they going to college, what they're going to do in their future, just because.
Somebody says, this is what they have to choose right now. And when they feel inadequate because they can't make that decision or they're unsure, it is really. Debilitating for their self-worth. So one needs to be mindful that your children or our children everybody's children really are constantly trying to process all the output that they are trying to take in from the external environment.
And it's up to us as parents to keep reassuring them that look. If you're not ready now, you don't have to be ready. You only 15, you're only 16 or you're only 13 or whichever age they are. There's enough time to make serious decisions. If you're not ready now there's enough time in the future. As long as you do what you need to do now, that's right.
Which you can control, work hard at school. Keep up to date with your schoolwork. Just try and stay focused on what you're doing. At the moment, the future will reveal itself is what I always say. Stress overload can, um, induce, uh, frequent illnesses and make kids withdraw from friends and family and the usual activities at home.
So if you find that your teenager is withdrawing, Um, and acting unusually, um, quiet staying in their room, not really talking and socializing. Doesn't want to go out their friends with their friends or do things with the family. That is a sure indication that your child is in a complete stress overload and overwhelmed.
And that is when you need to take action. And if I can make a really, um, easy suggestion that is that you do just go and talk. Just talk, just say, is there something you would like me to do to make you feel better? Is there something I can do to help you feel less overwhelmed? You know, it's um, it's the questions that you ask and how you ask the questions.
We can't, um, read minds. Nobody can read anybody's mind, but to encourage your child to talk to you. That is the answer to encourage open communication and trust so that your child can trust that they can talk to you about anything that bothers them. You know, according to the world health organization, suicide is the second leading cause in death between 10 and 24 year olds, which to me is heartbreaking.
When you think that they also many youngsters that feel that they can't carry on. And I see this in my practice with children that have got self-harming, um, thoughts and suicidal thoughts, even. So, you know, it's really important to talk to your child and to identify when you have a feeling in your heart, that your child there's something not right, reach out, find help, and get somebody that your child can trust and talk to and help them learn the different.
Techniques that they can use to build their own resilience. They built their self-worth self-confidence and their self-love. Hi, my name's Fiona. And I'm recording this, um, in respect of. Uh, the need for help for teenagers, uh, mental health. Um, I met Tracy a couple of years ago. Um, when my daughter was really struggling with her mental health following, um, bullying at school, um, Tracy undertook 10 sessions with her, um, uh, therapy.
And I have to say she's absolutely, truly amazing. She is one of the calmest kindness. People. I know, in fact, I think I'd probably say she's almost serene. Um, if I'm counting B and she turned my daughter's life around, she gave her coping strategies ways to manage her anxiety, helped her to rebuild her self esteem, um, and harder into a happy, confident, um, teenager who is now.
Um, after college, um, mentally may strange times of COVID, um, because of the strategies that she's learned from Tracy and because of the help she had, um, she's managing to thrive despite COVID, um, I know the strategies that Tracy has given her. She's also used herself to help friends. And I think that that will be something that will stay with her lifelong.
Um, I'd just like to say thank you, Tracy, because, uh, thanks to you. My daughter is, um, an amazing human being. If you are worried about your teenager's mental health, I would absolutely strongly encourage you to consider. Uh, syrupy for your child. It can make such a difference in their lives.
So as a parent, what do you do when you see that your child isn't coping? It's very important as a parent or a care giver to be aware of what is going on in your child's head. Really your teen's life is very important. And it's really important to understand that a teen's life is a physically, but more emotionally vulnerable than a normal person.
Really. We all have our own levels of being able to cope with external stressors in life. Um, but teenagers seem to feel everything in a complete overload. So something that may not affect you will definitely affect a teenager. Quite severely. So be mindful that just because something doesn't affect you as harshly as a for instance, COVID or a news announcement that for instance, the schools aren't going to be opening and the teenager, uh, might have a huge reaction to that.
Be mindful that just because you are feeling quite normal about it and you can cope don't judge because your child can cope, try and listen and hear where are those reactions coming from? Where are those fears coming from? And that will help them identify where it's coming from. And you can talk about those emotions and they will then be able to calm down.
It's very important to show praise for any efforts that your teenager makes. Like for instance, with the homeschooling, make sure that you point out their good accomplishments and good achievements. When they, for instance, help with the dishes or keep their room tidy or bring their washing down. Or the whole set of mugs that's been lying under their bed, um, growing Moss at the bottom when they eventually do bring it down, just show them how you appreciate that, that eventually actually did bring the mugs down and it will help boost their self esteem.
Spend quality time with your team that is so important, do something they love doing, just because you like getting up in the morning and going for early morning walk doesn't mean they are going to like doing it. So kind do it in the middle of the day when they are more up to a teenagers, seem to. Take five hours to wake up.
So be more conscious that don't think because you enjoy doing something, they are going to do enjoy doing something, try playing X-Box with them, for instance, or try letting them do your hair. If you have a daughter or do your makeup with this crazy eyeliner flick or whatever it is, let them have some fun with you because that is where bonding is.
Bolt. Remember to show your teenager love and affection. Teenagers might be a bit embarrassed if you hug and kiss them in front of their friends. So don't necessarily do this in front of them, but when you alone, then please. Really mindful that this is when you have your golden time where you could actually give him a hug and have a really close talk to them about their day, what happened in their day and how are they doing really?
How are they doing? So spend each day trying to encourage them to talk about their feelings with you. And listen, when they talk to you, put your phone down, sit, listen, face them and be present. Show up at their sports stays, show up at the parents evening and help them find solutions to problems. Don't be judgmental, even if you're unhappy with something that they've done.
Try and wait until you've calmed down and don't shout be kind and try and show some understanding as they might not feel like they can turn and talk to you if you overreact in certain situations. So whenever a problem arises, deal with it paid on rather than letting it build up. But at the same time, wait until you feel calm.
It's important that you have a support system. So turn to friends and family, or even your GP, or get help from a therapist. If you're concerned about your child's mental health, I really specialize in treating teenagers with mental health issues. So I encourage you. If you are worried. Get in touch. Let's just have a conversation.
I can advise you over the phone and we can go from there. It's important to also of course, take notes of your child's eating habits. Oh my goodness. My daughter is a vegetarian and she doesn't like vegetables, so I rarely have to encourage her to try and eat a healthy diet. So what, what your child eats?
Make sure they have fresh fruit vegetables. Protein and they, they don't eat too much sugar because sugar is really unhealthy for anyone really not only teenagers then of course, sleep. Sleep is vital. If you have a teenager, I strongly suggest to take their mobile phone away at night, ask them to put it in the passage.
Or switch it off and put it in your room or downstairs or wherever they can't have it so that they do get sleep. Because from my own experience, those phones never stop vibrating. I don't know. It doesn't seem like any teenager sleep anymore. So. Is very advisable to have some type of structure where you do have time away from your phone as a team.
And then. A very sensitive subject is make sure that alcohol and drugs are out of the picture. If you all worried that your teenager is involved with drug abuse or alcohol, then there is a lot of help out there. And I'm going to add some links in the notes for you, if you have, um, uh, any type of problem like this.
So, um, I'm also going to be putting out a blog this week, which is specifically focused on teenage and drug abuse. So keep your eye open for that. And I will leave that link in the notes as well.
I hope you enjoyed listening and that you will try not to worry too much about your teenager, and I'm going to leave you with this lovely quote. You will teach them to dream, but they will not dream your dream. You will teach him to live, but they will not live your life. Nevertheless, in the flight, in every life, in every dream, the print of the way you taught them will remain.

'Imposter syndrome' affects a huge number of men (and a sizeable  number of men). In this episode, Tracy explains just what imposter syndrome is, and speaks with Gill Donnell MBE of 'Successful Women In Business' and author of 'The A-Z Of Banishing The Imposter Syndrome' about her own experiences and how she guides women into confidence in their careers and lives.

Download Gill's A-Z here: https://bit.ly/Impostor21

Tracy Kimberg is a highly experienced counsellor and hypnotherapist and offers a free initial consultation. She can be contacted at www.tracykimberg.com

[00:00:00] So waves of clarity, episode 11. My name is Tracy Kimberg. I am a counseling hypnotherapist, and I live in the UK down South in Dorchester. In all my years of experience, I have often had to deal with people that have feelings that they don't belong or that they are undeserving of the success or the life that they live.

Have you ever felt like you don't belong? Have you ever felt like your friends or colleagues are going to discover you're a fruit and that you don't actually deserve your job and accomplishments? If so you're in good company because these feelings are known [00:01:00] as imposter syndrome or what psychologists often call imposter phenomenon.

It is estimated that 70% of people experience these imposter feelings at some point in their lives. According to a review article that I read when I was doing my research, imposter syndrome affects all kinds of people from all parts of life, women, men, children, medical students. Marketing managers, actors and executives.

Before I introduce my guest, let's just clarify what imposter syndrome is. Exactly. Imposter syndrome is the idea that you've only succeeded due to luck and not because of your talent or your qualifications or your hard work. It was first identified in 1978. By [00:02:00] Pauline Rose clients and Susanne Em's in they paper.

They thought that women were uniquely affected by imposter syndrome. But since then, research has shown that both men and women experience imposter feelings. So let me introduce my guests to you. Her name is Joel Donal. Joel is an award winning business mentor. She is the owner of the successful women in business network.

She's an author, a speaker, and she also has her own podcast. I met Joel over a year ago, and I soon realized that Joel is extremely passionate about imposter syndrome. Jill will tell you what got her so interested. In this phenomenon, imposter syndrome.

Thank you again. And, um, let's start [00:03:00] off by just introducing yourself and telling people more about who you are and we, how you came about. Sitting in front of this computer today talking about imposter syndrome. Wow. Well, first of all, Tracy, thank you so much for having you having me on your podcast. I'm really excited about this.

Um, yeah, that's a bit of a long story. So I'll try and do a potted version for you, as you say. I am the founder of the successful women in business network, which I set up just over four years ago now. Um, as a consequence of me doing a lot of work around personal development, Um, my, one of my greatest passions I suppose, is seeing women achieve their full potential.

Uh, and I focus particularly on women. That's not because I'm anti man. I'm just really, really pro women. And that came about because of, uh, my previous career. Uh, I spent 30 years in the police service. Um, and that might seem a little bit strange to be talking about policing and imposter syndrome. [00:04:00] But my story really is that, um, I had a, it was great, great career, great job.

I loved every minute of it. Um, but I became a senior leader, uh, in the latter half of my career. And I found myself, those are the words I would use found myself. Uh, and I'm talking about the late nineties, early two thousands. Um, one of very few women at a senior level, thankfully it's much different these days.

There are. Numerous women in senior positions, even the metropolitan police commissioner across the deck is obviously is a woman. Um, but I, uh, found myself on a course. And it was the very first leadership course for women in the place. Up until that point, every course I'd been on actually been great fun because I was usually the only girl you're always the girl in the place.

So it would be me or one other woman, uh, and a load of blokes. Cause it was very male dominated and that was quite good. Fun. I could drink with the best of them. Um, so I enjoyed [00:05:00] courses, but this course was, as I say, the very first targeted just at women run by a woman, uh, and for female leaders. And I suppose that's my light bulb moment.

You know, a lot of us talk about having the light bulb moments in their lives, careers or whatever it is. And that was most definitely mine because I found myself surrounded by, uh, the most amazing women. And for the first time, I suppose sought about the imposter syndrome because my thoughts were. Oh my God, what am I doing here with all these amazing women?

Most of my career had been in CID. Um, and in actual fact, in my force, I was the very first female detective inspector. So at a sort of middle rank, um, and I've done quite a few firsts, which I didn't really think about. I was, I'm an only child. I was brought up to think that you can do anything that you want to do.

And I wouldn't say that the imposter syndrome. Sort of came to me through my early career, but suddenly I found myself with all these amazing women. [00:06:00] I'm definitely thinking, I don't know what I'm doing here. And then Tracy would the thing that just really opened my eyes and, and astonished me with these women that I was looking up to putting on pedestals, working in much bigger forces than I was in doing the most amazing jobs that are higher level than I was.

And all of them had feelings of doubt. Um, and we were telling stories and, you know, really talented, capable, strong women were. In tears about particular circumstances that they were finding themselves in a, I'm not saying it was full of tears, but it was just something that really woke me up to for the first time being a woman in the organization I worked in and the senior woman, uh, and it was after that, that I, I went back to my job and looked around and.

It seems really strange in hindsight to say it, but I realized that there were so few women in the department I worked in at my level and I said to an [00:07:00] amazing boss, I had where all the women, and he said to me, I've been waiting for you to stop that. And it was at that point in the late nineties that we started, we started up a female network.

Um, I. Uh, went on to the executive committee of a national organization for women. And we started a huge amount of positive action initiatives for women to encourage women, to take promotion and apply for different departments. Cause somebody loads of talented women in the organization, they just weren't putting themselves forward.

I suppose that's one of the key things for me, particularly in the work that I do now with women is that there are the most amazing, talented women all over the place. We know that, but so many of them wait until they think they're perfect before they apply for the next job, or might even set up a business or do something different.

We, and I include myself in that thing. We have to be perfect a lot of the time. [00:08:00] And if somebody let's talk about, you know, career in an organization, if there's a job that they can see, and it has five requirements in my experience, very often, women will wait till they've got at least four and a half before they apply.

Yes. The bloke's certainly an organization I worked in would have to have those qualities and they would be applying because they had a, I don't know whether you'd call it greater self-esteem, but they certainly put themselves forward. They weren't waiting until they're perfect. Some of them were going to blackouts and the women were being left behind.

And that wasn't because the organization was, uh, you know, institutionally sexist, do anything like that. It's because they weren't putting themselves forward. There are lots of glass ceilings. Yeah. There's lots of glass cases, lots of glass. I think there are barriers to women, but one of the biggest ones is what goes on in our heads.

And I think we hold ourselves back, which is why I developed the interest that I have in, you know, as you say, the imposter syndrome. No, that [00:09:00] was discovered, I suppose, in the late seventies. Yes. You know, um, Joel, I know that you specifically are passionate about helping women, um, you know, move forward and start their own businesses and reach a level of self-confidence to do so.

But our rate statistics this morning, like I said earlier, it says that, um, 66% are females and 56% of men. Actually have imposter syndrome, which is almost 50, 50. Yeah, absolutely. I know we, lots of men come back into the organization. I was talking about when we started talking more about this, my boss, you know, the very senior man would say to me, I felt like that.

He said I'm just much better at hiding it. And I try really hard not to let it impact me. So yes it's. Although when it was discovered by the two women that first wrote about it in America, they, they discovered it, uh, or spotted it identified it in women, in [00:10:00] senior academics, uh, in a university. So it's an academic setting and there was some very, uh, capable tons of women with, you know, all the credentials and all the qualifications to their name, but they considered themselves to be a fraud.

So, I guess that's the bit about why we talk about women so much, cause the original, you know, talking about it and identification of it as a syndrome, uh, came about when studying women, but you're absolutely right. It does affect men as well as women, I think often. And I'm, you know, stereotyping to some degree or generalizing really.

Um, I think men are probably better at hiding it and maybe don't let it stop. Stop them putting themselves forward. Yes. So, um, what, um, what do you think the answer is? What are the three things that we can do to fight imposter syndrome? Well, there's all sorts of things that we can do. And if I could make a plug for my guide to banishing the imposter syndrome, I'd donate is that, so I can think of 26 things, but I [00:11:00] suppose there's a few things, I think particularly if we talk about women, That are important.

Um, I used to run, um, personal development programs, swimming before I set up the network that we're a part of. And one of the things that always raised a bit of a laugh, but was very, very true was when talking about women accepting compliments, because what we have to do is increase our confidence to, to battle this syndrome and.

SIM something as simple as accepting compliments gracefully rather than pushing them back is one very simple thing. The amount of time. And I go out of my way, you know, I'm the strange woman in the toilet sort of say to a complete stranger. I love your dress. It's amazing. And it's lovely when people goes, Oh, you can tell him, thank you so much.

But there's also a significant number that will go, Oh no, no, this old thing. And we'll play it down. And for me, I think that's very like giving somebody back a gift. So if I gave you a gift, you're not going to give it [00:12:00] back to me. Are you, you're going to say thank you. It's the same thing. If somebody compliments us.

We need to be able to appreciate and say, thank you. And that helps build confidence. One of the other things I was doing a talk recently talking to women in business is, um, is that keeping, keeping our confidence going by making sure you can always look at, reflect on the positives about you. Because if you're in business, you're there for a reason.

If you're in a senior position, you're there because people have believed in you. And usually, particularly those of us in business, we've got testimonials, we've got reviews, just really nice emails that people have sent to us. And I have a box I should have got it off my shelf. Ready. I call it my blues box.

So if I've had a bad day, bad days, I think outside box and in there are, and there's a lot in there cause I've kept them for years. Thank you cards. Now testimonials reviews, all those sorts of things that I can just lift it up, have a [00:13:00] read. And it reminds me of what people think of me. And you can't fly in the face of what other people tell you.

Uh, and I suppose one of the other things I think is, I mean, being aware of it is probably the first step. Is is, is a key to so many different aspects of mental health, isn't it? Yes. So acknowledging being aware, that's definitely the first, first step towards it. Um, I mean, I was talking to somebody of the day doing a bit of mentoring with her and, you know, saying a band, you all really amazing here, all these testimonials, you're just fabulous.

You know, you have to own that. You have to tell people how it goes, especially if you're in sales or you're trying to promote your business. And, and I think for women, there's still a lot of conditioning around, you know, I was brought up with, if girls should be seen and not heard. Oh, no, [00:14:00] I'm of a different generation of money, but I think there's still an expectation even through the major of how women should be fav.

And just because you are going to become confident in yourself and be able to talk positively about yourself and your business and your career, because you need to do that. If you're going to sell yourself into a promotion, into, you know, you want to push your business plan and get a loan, you've got to own your success.

It doesn't mean you're going to turn into these, somebody off the apprentice. You know, so many women think that if they start talking like that, people are going to think that arrogant and that's a bad thing. We have to be able to, to own our success. We have to, you know, my thoughts around celebrating successes, reflecting on what we've achieved.

As women we're often juggling so many different things, you know, we've achieved a goal. That was great. And then we move on to the next thing instead of stopping and thinking, wow, look, how far I've come look, what I've achieved a little grass or [00:15:00] Prosecco, even celebrate that success. It's all about building confidence.

Um, do you think there's a link or a similarity or difference even between, um, Imposter syndrome and self doubt. Uh, well I think, I think this, I think it's the, it can be one in the same, you know, if we talk about the imposter syndrome and where it came from, and he looked at the research that the two women that identified it, that was very much about high achieving women, not believing in their abilities.

I think the link really for me is that it can co pop up at any time. I'm a very confident person. I can, you know, in the days when you can talk at conferences, I can stand on the stage and I can talk. I spent 30 at well, not 70 years in uniform, but I spent a lot of time in a uniform, certainly at the very start feeling terrified, but I couldn't look terrified.

And certainly couldn't Santo fine. [00:16:00] So I persuaded myself that I, I was confident and I practiced and practiced. And in the end you believe it. Yes. And I think the same with self doubt, it can hit you concert from, from anywhere. Something seems to be going really well. Can happen. Somebody can say something quite innocent.

You can, you know, you can interpret something that somebody says on a call that you're on and take it all on suddenly. You know, everything that we'd built up feels like it's crumbling away. I think for me, it's really about building apart self-confidence and managing that self-doubt and acknowledging it's.

Okay. It's okay. To feel like that doesn't mean it's the end of the world and it doesn't mean that suddenly we're no good at what we do. Yes. And also, you know, uh, what you thinking. Um, to remind yourself that it's not necessarily the truth, you know, there's that quotes and that are wrote down here that I wanted to mention.

It says, [00:17:00] um, it's not what you are that holds you back. It's what you think that you are not. That spot Dennis Wakely and that greatly, um, is so true. It's about how you think about it when you become aware of it. And, um, you know, another, um, women that I spoke to recently pounder Royal, you know, her she's also, you know, she's, uh, she's been, I've been seeing her as a mentor and she's.

Taught me so much, um, you know, about thoughts and one of the things is that, you know, it's okay to have the thought, you know, later just pass through you and let it go. It's not going to stay there forever because imposter syndrome, which I definitely have from time to time, you know, you, you, some days you get up, you feel confident, you think.

Bring on anybody's problems, I can solve [00:18:00] them. And then the next day then you think, Oh, do I really know what I'm doing? You know, you get that feeling, but that goes. And then you see another client and you feel better. I don't know if you find it come in waves and Oh, absolutely. And you know, I, I take, um, heart from the fact that some very, very successful women are now prepared to talk about it.

Michelle Obama, Cheryl sunburn, you know, all these women have been quoted talking about the imposter syndrome. You know, they say I'm not super woman. Uh, this is what I do, but sometimes I think who am I to be here? I think we all do that. You know, I had a 30 year career in the place. I bought an MBA for my services to women in place.

Then you have a big party when you leave. There was a little bit of meeting the boss was going to come in and go, I don't know what you've been doing all this time. You know,

you [00:19:00] know, the most amazing people have it. It's okay. Like any sentence, and you understand this in the world of your work. It's when we let it overwhelm us and it becomes bigger than it needs to be, that it then becomes a problem and it becomes your reality. That's the problem. I think for me, that's one of the problems with.

Particularly now we're in, you know, as a friend of mine would say locked down 3.0. Here we are again, somewhat trapped in a houses offices, wherever we are constantly looking at screens being told that the only way to grow your businesses through social media, looking at other people's reality and social media.

I'm thinking that well, I'm not good enough because look how amazing they are when deep down, you know, that that's probably not their reality. And that's just the way of life, really the way things are [00:20:00] going. And that's, I think why it's even more important to be grounded in our own reality and know what, you know, if you're, if you've done really well in your business, in your career, it won't be because of luck.

People don't get promoted because they're lucky they might be in the right place at the right time. But that's probably because they've been positive and they've been looking for options. Yes. And wait for it to come to us. It's probably not going to, it's probably not going to happen. We make our luck.

We make our opportunities. As you talk about, you know, those thoughts that come into our heads. They did, they can turn into feelings, emotions, and completely overwhelmed us, but they all only souls, they will go away.

And I do just want to go back to the men's side of things. Um, I've been thinking a lot about, um, how things have kind of evolved with men and women and, um, [00:21:00] Uh, Wayne's into the statistics about imposter syndrome. And I saw how gradually the imposter syndrome figures have increased in men and come down in women in very interesting, which shows that the women are starting to feel more empowered and they are starting to believe in themselves a bit more, but it also is worrying to see that.

The opposite is happening with men. So what do you think needs to change in society to help men bring the figures down on imposter syndrome? So to speak so many interesting question, Tracy, I suppose if there's anything it's about awareness, if it's, I mean, you know, the statistics about men that were, have been more around suicide.

And I think that belief of how they, you know, I I've taught cause I talk for women about [00:22:00] the pressures on women to behave in certain way. But I think that's equally, uh, the same for men and their perceptions about how they have to behave. And therefore they, they have to be assertive and they have to be able to do this.

And I guess there's a link there with the imposter syndrome. If that's not your you're behaving in a way, because that's the expectation, whether that's your organization, whether that's your upbringing, it's the same for men and women. It's just different. Is that having an impact on their mental wellbeing and their own self dance.

And, uh, and I'll have a generation that will put everything at the door of social media. I'm afraid. I think, you know, very much we've got access to so much information. Um, and we're, you know, we carry around computers now. That can do the most amazing things. Uh, and whereas previously, if he wants to find something to get up and go look in a book or whatever, and I know that's all or not, I'm not being negative about now.

I just think it's very, very different [00:23:00] and we are evolving at such a pace. I think it's going to take real time for us all to catch up and awareness. It's gotta be, it's gotta be, you know, the best thing really. And I suppose if we come down, boil it down. Completely it's about talking about our feelings, isn't it.

You talked about, you know, talking with power, you know, I support other women and I have somebody that supports me. So I think having the opportunity to talk about things like that in any shape or form is going to help our mental wellbeing. And that's what we've got to do, particularly in the situation that we all find ourselves now.

Yes, specifically. Now we, people are feeling very overwhelmed because. They don't know what they feeling really. It's all a bit confusing. Yeah. So, um, you know, I think, um, you know, I, I feel that there's a lot of, um, sensitivity around the role of men that is, um, busy, [00:24:00] evolving, and it's becoming more of a shared all the roles are becoming a shared role.

And I think we're going to have to wait another generational. Maybe even two for, um, it's to become more clear. Um, you know, I S I C I have siblings that are all in different countries and I see how different each country almost is in the role of men and women. Um, in Australia, for instance, it's very 50 50 with the parent K and so on.

And I see my younger generation brothers looking after their children, um, when they wives go to work. Um, but I think. There is a bit of confusion in men. And I think that also creates a problem with the impostor syndrome now. Um, I don't know if you agree with me. Yeah, I th I th yes, I think so. I mean, it's not my area of expertise.

I think, you know, for me, this, um, [00:25:00] you know, there's challenges for men and women. My, my field is supporting women, as I said before. That's not because I want to support men. I just think. That's what I, my experience is, and that's what I'm good at. I think it all comes down to what are our limiting beliefs, what we carry around with us, um, and that can, you know, usually comes down to how we've been brought up our conditioning.

That continues as we go on. Um, And, and at the end of the day, we're all individual aren't we, we should, we should, we don't, we're not striving to be treated the same. We'll be striving to be treated as individuals and understood. And we've got our own responsibility to do our very best achieve our full potential and not let anything that goes on in our heads.

Hold us back. That's that's exactly it. Joel, you've just put it in a nutshell. Um, so what is the vision [00:26:00] for you, Joel? What's your vision in the coming years? Where do you see yourself as Joel Donald going? Um, well I, as you know, um, I've stepped away a little bit from the business networking side of the business and we've started a member's club and that's because really to think about what we're talking about now.

Um, I think I I've. I've run programs and training for many years, I think because of the position we find ourselves in and, uh, the world of online work, then I've got a responsibility to get some of that out into the online world. So when writing courses I've always liked writing, you know, the book I wrote celebrate success was.

Based on my life, how to be a successful working mom without the girls. You know, that's an, I could talk forever about working moms feeling guilty. Um, so that's, for me, I think, um, if ever I'm allowed to get anywhere where it's warmer and sunnier, I'd like the opportunity to do that. And if I'm doing my work online [00:27:00] and choosing when to do it, then that makes that much easier to do, do from wherever I am in the world.

If I can. Yes. It was interesting. I am, there was a group on Facebook that were doing all these. Vision boards. And everybody seems to want to be living on an Island somewhere Island pictures. And I thought, Oh my goodness, everybody wants to move to an Island. Hopefully, hopefully you can get some way where you can work remotely.

All the tone. I do love it in this country. I love it in the UK. I love it where we are on the South coast. Um, Yeah. So it was just the opportunity to get away. Occasionally would be nice. Um, if there's somebody listening that is thinking to themselves, I've got a serious, um, infection of, um, what, what would you say to them is something that they can [00:28:00] do every single day to gradually build their self self-confidence up?

What for you? What's your tone? My top tip, I suppose, it's at the end of the day. Um, or even the start of the day is to just, um, get a nice notebook or love stationary and write down. And the three things that you've achieved that maybe at the end of the week, cause that week, sometimes people don't have that struggle with self-doubt and self-confidence struggle to do that, but I think writing down what we've achieved.

In a positive way. And then the next day, or at the end of the week, reflecting on it and getting into the habit of doing that, that can really lift, uh, our attitude and I suppose, and build confidence because we all do amazing things and it doesn't have to be something big. You know, I talk a lot about success.

Success for some women is just getting out the door in the morning, in the days when we could [00:29:00] get out of the store. So it doesn't have to be major, but actually. You know, having that glass half full approach as opposed to half empty. Okay. What have I done today? What have I achieved? Yeah, that was good.

I'm going to write that down and consistently do it. And then at the end of the week, look at it and reward yourself for it. Um, And that I think helps build a more positive approach because it it's, it's easy to say think positively. It's easy to think. Say, don't think negatively. It's very hard. And when we, when we've got those voices in our heads, think about what your best friend would say about you, because usually your best friend would say something really positive.

So she can say something really positive, then I'm sure you come too. Exactly. It's just focusing on those little wins, the little wins. Don't take those for granted. No, Joel, thank you so much. It's been lovely talking to you and definitely I think, [00:30:00] um, I think we've reassured someone that's listened and thought, okay.

I thought there was something wrong with me. You know, there's nothing wrong with you. It's completely normal. Half of all women have imposter syndrome. And I always say the other half online everybody's got it. Absolutely. So it comes and goes and just let it flow.

Thank you so much for listening to me today and to my guest. Of course. Thank you, Joel, for coming and for sharing your amazing insights on this very interesting subject, which I'm sure so many of us can identify with. I myself often find myself doubting myself, but then I need to use my self awareness.

To bring me back to [00:31:00] reality and say, no, you deserve this. You've worked hard and you're not an imposter. Please remember to send this chat link to your friends and your family so that they can also listen and learn about imposter syndrome so that we can help people feel more normal and not feel like there's something wrong with them.

We all need to practice our resilience. And we are all just human beings. None of us are perfect. And it really helps to know that other people feel the same as you and me. If anything, in today's episode resonates with you and you feel that you might. I need somebody to talk to about it in. Please get in touch.

You can get hold of me on Instagram and Facebook. Tracy Kimberg hypnotherapist. You can email me tracy@tracykimberg.com or of course on my website, [00:32:00] Tracy. Kimberg. Dot com next week, I'm going to be talking about teenagers and how COVID has affected teenagers, especially in their mental health. So please keep a lookout and listen, next week when we release the teenage and COVID episode.

This is the hypnotherapy session from episode 10 for you to download and use when you wish.

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This week, Tracy talks about overcoming limiting beliefs, ways you can relieve those thoughts and as a bonus, rounds the podcast off with a powerful hypnotherapy session.

If you are getting benefit from this free podcast, then please leave a quick review on Apple Podcasts. Not only does it help the episodes reach more people who need to hear them, but if you screenshot your review and send that picture in, you could win a free session with Tracy!

All the contact details for the competition and enquiries about a no obligation chat are at www.tracykimberg.com