What Healthy Couples Know That You Don't

As we live our lives, we all experience loss, change and transition.

While we all know the grief associated with change, each grief looks and feels a little different. And, everyone grieves differently.

As you work through the losses, changes and transitions in your life you’ll find it’s helpful to be patient and gentle with yourself, because it’s not easy and it takes time.

The face of hope may change as you grieve. Hold it in your heart; keep it alive because you won’t always feel as bad as you do when your grief is fresh.

Interview with Dr. Patricia Papernow, in her fourth decade working with blended families. Blended families are complicated, where adults may be thrilled to find a new love, children may experience that as a turning away from them. Loyalty Binds can create problems, which may work out better with a slower pace.

 In relationships we take the easy way out a lot. We lie & tell people what they want to hear instead of truth. We silently stash resentments & get divorced. We decide sex is a chore we don’t want to be bothered with. We dump our insecurities on each other to fix instead of fixing them ourselves. We let our anxieties run rampant & spill all over our partners instead of trying to learn how to self soothe. We tolerate disrespect & sometimes contempt instead of asking our partner to course correct. These are all negative patterns that lead to disconnection.

Personality Disorders are difficult in relationships because they have massive power through manipulation. So if you are in a relationship with a personality disorder, You must figure out how you give up your own power. You must learn how you participate in the dysfunction. It doesn't happen alone, it happens with you.

Boring relationships sneak upon us. It’s easy to make excuses, we’re too tired after work or busy with the kids. Relationships require work to keep them fresh. You have to be committed to trying new things out. The opposite of boring is being creative.The brain loves novelty so it’s really important to explore & experience something new.

Trust means we give up our inclination to exaggerate our wounds out of self interest. We can be very self righteous which creates a distorted picture of what happened. We harden ourselves & adore our own expectations of how things should be in a relationship. The opposite of all this disconnecting energy is to soften and imagine the value of your partner's point of view.

Interview with Marcia Turbiner Ph.D who describes the need to have a relationship with yourself in order to make relationships work. She offers a way to think about what is NOT ME and what is ME. You have to begin to understand how to take care of yourself to develop a solid sense of self. When you see yourself as an individual you will see the other more clearly.

Learn how to think about your relationship in 3 parts, why blame is immature and why being a separate individual keeps a partnership more solid. Consider how sacrifice, respect, going to bed angry and not playing games is crucial for relationship longevity.

Too many people live with contempt in their relationships. Contempt is a power play that leads to loneliness. When ugliness layers & layers over time it becomes ordinary. When contempt is an ordinary activity instead of an unusual one, that’s a BIG problem. Contempt is a tango for two.

If you are too lopsided in people-pleasing it will lead you to erase too much of who you are and what you want, this will begin the silent path of stock piling resentments. It's important to the health of the relationship to tell the truth to each other.

Relationships all begin with fantasy & illusions. We have absolutely no idea who somebody else really is but we make it up because we are in love. Fantasy is a flimsy beginning & contentment can be hard to achieve.

Anger soaked in alcohol or contempt can easily destroy relationships. Anger management is a tough skill to learn instead of the ease of blame. Learn here how to interrupt anger to have a healthy relationship.

Relationships require a lot of growing up, a lot of facing your own dark side. Facing hard realities helps relationships. I believe real love is about deciding to do the work of being a better person, to risk change. It is not possible to grow & be comfortable at the same time. If you embrace change you have to be willing to be uncomfortable. 

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Everyone arrives at couples therapy talking about Communication Problems?? What lies beneath communication problems in relationships? Listen here to learn more.

Dating is often painful because the person who loves the least has the most power. Are you overly generous? Listen to learn about relationships that are too lopsided.

Relationship survival is something people should be able to learn more about in College. It’s one of the best parts of life, yet it is a mystery to most people. Listen to learn the primary secret to success!

Couples have to evolve over time. Evolving as a Team means that the two of you together solve the puzzle of your strengths & weaknesses & how they can work together. Of all the Couples you know, how many are actually a team? 

What can help with the annoyances over differences when love & idealization wear off? You have to learn to respect the differences which is work, instead of pretending things aren’t that bad. Read more at: therapy ideas.net

Drama is about manipulation. Manipulation is about winning, not truth. The brilliance of O.J’s lawyers was all about flipping him from the persecutor into the blameless victim & asking the jury to rescue him which is illustrated in the fine FX show.