You Were Made for This

You were made for fulfilling relationships. Listen each week to stories of people finding hope and encouragement in their relationships so that you can too. Host and award-winning author John Certalic, together with his guests, share principles of life-giving relationships. John’s relationship story starts with his birth to a single mother and placement in foster care for the first 16 months of his life. From this comes four different careers, 53 years of marriage to the same wife, and much he has learned about relationships. John draws from all this, along with inspiring stories from his guests, to share how you can find more fulfillment in the relationships you were made for.

enJohn Certalic218 Episodes

Episodes (218)

179: Listen to the Whispers

It seems to me that we are living in an increasingly noisy world. So many sounds, so many words, so many messages competing for our attention. I’m going to tell you a story today about how someone communicated with whispers that drowned out all the noise in the room. It’s a great relationship lesson about listening to the whispers.

But before we get into today’s topic, here’s what this podcast is all about.

Welcome to You Were Made for This

If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you’ve come to the right place. Here you’ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I’m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page, enter your name and email address, then click on the follow or subscribe button. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords.

A volunteer opportunity

One of my favorite memories of our twin grandsons growing up is when Janet and I volunteered a couple of hours of our time at their grade school, once every couple of months or so. We would go to their classroom, and their teacher would have us help kids work on various tasks they were assigned.

Unlike when we were in grade school, where desks were arranged in straight rows, their classroom had groups of four desks, facing each other to form a square. Janet and I would then go from group to group and help with any math, science, or reading assignments the kids were working on. All this while the teacher was working with her own larger reading group.

The most memorable of these occasions happened when the boys were, I think, in 2nd grade. We walked in one morning near the beginning of the school year and met their teacher for the first time. I thought she was an 8th grader - she was so small and looked so very young. I immediately liked her. She assigned us to our different groups of 4 students, while she worked with her group.

On this particular day, Janet was off in one corner of the room with a group, while I worked with another group. In mine, there was a boy struggling over something he didn’t quite understand. He got so frustrated that he started crying. So I helped him figure out whatever it was he didn’t get, and he finally calmed down. I felt so bad for him. School can be so demoralizing for some kids.

It got noisy

About this time, I noticed that the noise in the classroom began to increase. All these groups of 4 working on things and talking with each other. They weren’t goofing off, they were just talking with each other as they did their work. But it was getting louder and louder.

I then wondered how this diminutive young teacher was going to handle the situation. When I was a teacher right out of college, I would have shouted out something like , “Hey! It’s getting too loud in here! I can’t hear myself think. Dial it down a few notches.”

She did just the opposite. It was fascinating to watch. When the noise started to get to her too, she stopped with her reading group, and stood up from her chair. Keep in mind she wasn’t that much taller than her students. I expected she was going to shout out something, but she didn’t. Rather than talking louder than the kids, she spoke softer, almost in a whisper, asking the kids very politely to lower their voices.

I was skeptical. How are these kids going to quiet down with her speaking so softly? Then an amazing thing happened. Slowly, one child noticed the teacher talking, who then asked the four classmates in her group to quiet down. “Shhh! I can’t hear what she’s saying.”

This soon spread around the room. Kids stopped talking so they could listen to the whispers of the teacher. My respect for the teacher grew even more. I wish I would have tried this technique when I was in her shoes years ago. Her whispers reminded me of one of my favorite passages in the Bible.

God whispers

It’s a story of Elijah who had just won a confrontation with the prophets of Baal, and he was physically and emotionally exhausted. God then shows up and asks Elijah a question. I’ll read the question that begins the story in 1 Kings 19:9-15

“What are you doing here, Elijah?”
“Elijah replied, ‘I have zealously served the LORD God Almighty. But the people of Israel have broken their covenant with you, torn down your altars, and killed every one of your prophets. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me, too."

“Go out and stand before me on the mountain,” the LORD told him. And as Elijah stood there, the LORD passed by, and a mighty windstorm hit the mountain. It was such a terrible blast that the rocks were torn loose, but the LORD was not in the wind.

After the wind, there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. And after the earthquake, there was a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire, there was the sound of a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he wrapped his face in his cloak and went out and stood at the entrance of the cave.

Whispers can get our attention

God wasn’t in anything dramatic or noticeable. He didn’t wow Elijah with his presence. God got Elijah’s attention with a gentle whisper. Just like the grade school teacher of my twin grandsons. It’s how God works a lot of times, through his gentle whisper.

It’s hard for us to hear his whispers sometimes because of all the noise around us competing for our attention. I don’t need to give you examples, you know what I’m talking about. They’re the metaphorical windstorms, earthquakes, and fires that Elijah experienced. It’s hard to hear the whispers of God through them. But we can if we try. Like the 2nd graders who stopped talking so they could hear their soft-spoken teacher speak.

So what does all this mean for YOU?

A couple of ideas come to mind about listening to the whispers of God.

I’ll start with noise. Get rid of it as best you can. Turn off the radio, the music, the TV. And dare I say… the podcast. Build some measure of silence into your life. Create space for God to whisper to you. God is a gentleman and won’t barge into your mind and heart if they’re filled with things that distract you from Him.

I wonder, too, if God, through his Holy Spirit, has already been whispering to you. Is he prompting you to take a certain action or think a particular thought? Like saying something to encourage someone. Or deciding to forgive that person who hurt you. Hmmm.

Finally, if you’re not hearing anything from God, ask him to whisper something important to you that you need to hear. The whisper may come from a verse in the Bible, something you see in nature, or a thought from a friend. There’s no limit to God’s creativity in communicating with us.

Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode

The loud and dramatic get our attention. Most of it, though, is just noise. And it's not how God usually communicates with us. More often than not, he reaches out to us with whispers. Whispers from his Holy Spirit, from the Bible, and from people he prompts to act on our behalf. Good things happen when we listen to God’s whispers.

Closing

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that’s it for today. If there’s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. The link is JohnCertalic.com/179. Or scroll down to the bottom of the show notes for this episode and click on one of the options in the yellow “Share This” bar.

And don’t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I’ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now.

Related episodes you may want to listen to

139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?
021: The Most Important Relationship of All

Our website where you can access all past and future episodes

JohnCertalic.com

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

You Were Made for This

enOctober 12, 2022

178: Good Relationships in Action

There are so many thoughts about relationships running around in my head lately that I’ve wanted to share with you. They’ve been like little kids scrambling for the candy thrown from 4th of July floats parading down the street. I’ll tell you about a few of them in today’s episode because they’re examples of good relationships I’ve seen in action that can inspire us to relate in similar ways with the people in our lives.

But before we get into today's topic, here’s what this podcast is all about.

Welcome to You Were Made for This

I’m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

Observing a good relationship in action

The first example of good relationships in action is something I saw at our granddaughter’s tennis tournament several weeks ago. As I was getting the lawn chairs out of our vehicle, another one pulled in next to me - a couple in their late 30s, I would guess. When the wife got out of their van, she looked at me and asked, “Are you a therapist? I saw your license plate and wondered if you’re a therapist.” My license plate, as you can see from the photo in the show notes, reads “I LISTEN.”

I said I wasn’t, but that I LISTEN refers to a major theme of the podcast I do. I then asked her if she listens to podcasts. She said she does and asked the name of mine, so I told her. It was interesting that she connected listening with therapy. Good therapists do listen, of course. Good friends listen even more. But I don’t think I’ll ever be asked, “Are you a good friend to people?”

I wondered later if SHE was a therapist. I wish I would have asked her. That could have made for an interesting conversation. Instead, I started to talk to her husband as he pulled a baby stroller out of the back of their minivan. I asked him if he knew someone playing in the tournament. He told me, “no,” but were there to watch the granddaughter of one of their friends play.

Relational Sunshine at a tennis tournament

What a great example of good relationships in action. This couple supporting their older friend by being at his side while he supported his granddaughter by watching her tennis match. The couple and grandfather could have been
doing other things on the beautiful sunny Saturday of the tennis tournament. But that’s how it is with good relationships, they involve sacrifice at times.

Without knowing it, this couple spread a little relational sunshine into my life that morning. I wish we were neighbors. They just showed up for their friend and his granddaughter. They reminded me that I can do the same thing for others. And so can you.

The relationship between the grandfather, his friends, and the granddaughter reminded me of what a missionary once told me about how people could best care for her. She said, “When you love my baby, you love me…even if my baby is 23.” What a great principle to nurture good relationships.

Missed opportunities to nurture good relationships

That Saturday at the tennis tournament, I was struck by how few parents or other adults come to watch their children or grandchildren play. It’s never crowded at a high school tennis match. I can understand low attendance at weekday matches late in the afternoon after school lets out. It would be hard for many parents with jobs to get to there on time. But Saturday matches? Come on people.

It’s similar to what I experienced when our son played high school basketball. We would go to his games and get to meet the parents of the other players. At one particular game, I remember talking to one of the other fathers, mentioning I hadn’t seen him in a while, and that it was good to have him back in the stands with the rest of us.

He said, “Yeah, I haven’t been coming because my son doesn’t get to play much. He just sits on the bench. No sense in coming if he’s not playing.”

Ouch, I thought. What a missed opportunity to be part of his son’s life without having to say or do anything. Just sit and watch, even if his boy is on the bench. Just show up. We underestimate the power of showing up for things our kids are involved in. Our son sat on the bench for a while, too. But to only come when your kid is playing sends the wrong kind of message.

It says, “I want to be part of your life when you’re succeeding, namely when the coach gets you off the bench and puts you in the game. But otherwise, not so much.” This isn’t the way to develop good relationships with your children.

Tell people how they impacted you makes for good relationships

Here’s another example of a good relationship at work. There’s a small diner near us where Janet and I have gotten to know the manager. She was working the grill the last time we were there. It was quite busy, but when things slowed down, she came out to our booth and said, “I just listened to your latest podcast episode, and it brought me to tears. I’m going to go back to episode 1 and start listening to all of them. I especially want to hear the interview that you did about the wife who cleaned off the grave marker of her husband's first wife.”

What kind and thoughtful comments for the manager to make in the midst of her busy shift. I got a little sunburn from this relational sunshine.

Good relationships can be nurtured by applying what we read in books

The last relationship thought I’ll leave you with comes from a book I’m reading by Alan Alda entitled If I Understood You, Would I Have This Look on My Face - My Adventures in the Art and Science of Relating and Communicating. You remember Alan Alda from M*A*S*H, don’t you? Among other things, he talks in the book about how people can actually learn empathy. Really, people can LEARN to be empathetic? That’s encouraging! It’s such an important part of good relationships. I’m going to review the book in more detail in a future episode. It’s really quite good.

So what does all this mean for YOU?

How can you use what you’ve heard today to improve the relationships in YOUR life?

In the relationship stories I mentioned today, a common theme in all 3 is that they came about by observing.

Observing the couple coming to the tennis tournament to support their friend and his granddaughter. The restaurant manager observing how someone was impacting her life and then telling that person. And finally, observing what an author says in his book that will help good relationships develop.

So what are you observing in others? In yourself? In the books you read? I’d love to hear any examples you observe of good relationships in action. I bet the rest of our listening audience would, too. You can send them to me in an email to john@caringforothers.org, or by filling in the Leave a Comment box at the end of the show notes.

Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode

One way to develop good relationships is to watch how other people do it. Notice how people show up for one another, how they listen and encourage each other. And then do what they do with your relationships.

Closing

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God wants for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that’s it for today. If there’s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. The link is JohnCertalic.com/178.

And don’t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I’ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now.

enOctober 05, 2022

lifegivingrelationships

relationalskills

177: How to Relate With High-Maintenance People

I received a disturbing email from a missionary serving overseas the other day that mentioned a relationship challenge he and his wife were facing. It’s an issue most of us have had to handle at one time or another. Namely, how to relate with high-maintenance people. It’s the subject of today’s show, where you will hear a few ideas for how you can deal with this challenge. I also explain why I found this missionary's email troublesome. It’s not what you might think.

Welcome to You Were Made for This

To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page, enter your name and email address, then click on the follow or subscribe button. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords.

That troublesome email

And now for that troublesome email I got about high-maintenance people. I am one of many on the mailing list of the missionary who sent it, who, in connection with his missionary role, pastors a church overseas. The email came from him and his wife, with news they heard from their daughter while they were out of town.

For confidentiality reasons, I’ve changed the names of the people mentioned in the email. It begins with this:

Emily, one of our extra-grace church members, had died alone in her apartment. It wasn’t a big surprise. She had been in and out of the hospital more times than we can count. For most of us, her passing left us with a confusing mix of relief and sadness. She constantly challenged the limits of love and patience. She loved Jesus but sadly died without being reconciled with her own family. And Jared was her pastor for over 20 years - not always an easy job.

The first thing that jumps out at me is the descriptive term they use for the woman who died, “extra-grace church member.” From the context of the email, you can tell “extra-grace church members” is code for a high-maintenance person who wears people out, and who requires us to extend extra grace to maintain our sanity. Something like that, anyway. I’ll come back to this term in a minute.

I feel for this missionary/pastor and his wife. Many of us have been in high-maintenance relationships like this that tax our energy. The times I’ve been in situations like this, I want to hide or flee. But as a pastor, you don’t have that option. People like this come with the territory.

The problem with labels

But here’s why I find the email troubling: the description of the woman as “one of our extra-grace church members.” I first came across this concept at a church we were at years ago. Janet and I were on the congregational care
committee and would meet periodically to help with this important function of the church. At one particular meeting, we were given a list compiled by one of the pastoral staff of 6-8 people at our church who had various needs. Their names were listed together with what they needed. Things like hospital visits, meals for people getting out of the hospital, rides to church, etc.

Next to one of the names was a note, EGR. When I asked what EGR meant, I was told it meant “Extra Grace Required.” It referred to the person as being very needy, expecting a lot from the church staff, and who expressed displeasure when those needs were not met.

I cringed inside when I heard this. What if that list got out to the person, or anyone else for that matter, and EGR was explained to them? Who also is an EGR person in the church? Am I on the list, too, people might wonder. When we label people, it ends up becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Please don’t do this. Please don’t label people like this. It can cause so much harm. Euphemisms and labels like this grow out of frustration, but they separate us from each other.

Source of the problem in relating to high-maintenance people

So what’s behind this kind of labeling and view of people? I’m sure it starts with pure motives. People like the missionary and the pastoral staff want to help, they want to minister to people. It’s why most of them get into ministry. They feel called by God to do what they do.

And I hope the same can be said for the rest of us. That while we may not be a missionary or a pastor, we want to care for people. We want to help each other. It’s wired into our DNA at some level because we are all created in the image and likeness of God. There’s a little bit of God’s character in all of us.

Given all this, let’s consider the source of the problem of relating to high-maintenance people. It’s easy to say the problem is with those people who are a pain in the neck with their demands and all that they require of us.In the reality, though, the problem is US, not them. People become high-maintenance to us largely because we let them. In some cases, we’ve trained others to be needy in their relationship with us. We do so mostly because we lack the skill to relate well with high-maintenance people. And it’s no wonder. For pastors and missionaries, how to relate well with difficult people isn’t normally taught in seminaries or bible colleges. The rest of us haven’t been taught either.

The good news is that we can learn the skill we need to deal with the needy. One skill that would be helpful to learn in situations like this is to apply the ORA model of relationships that I’ve talked about a number of times. Observe - Reflect - Act.

Observe

Let’s start with observe. What patterns of behavior do you see in the high-maintenance person, not isolated events, but patterns? What are the things that trigger those patterns? Is there one specific behavior that bothers me, or is it a constellation of behaviors? Is this person high-maintenance with just me, or is he or she like this with other people, too? How long has this person been so needy? Do you have any idea of when this person started being high-maintenance, or have they always been this way?

We also need to observe what is going on inside of me. It’s about self-awareness, one of the most important relational skills there is. Is there anything that high-maintenance people trigger within me? What buttons might people like this be pushing within me? Am I a people pleaser, and as hard as I try, there’s just no pleasing this high-maintenance person in my life? Am I trying to prove something to myself or someone else in keeping people happy? Is saying “no” to people hard for me, and if it is, why?

And is it possible, that my identity is so wrapped up in helping people that I kind of like it when they're needy? But only in the beginning, until they wear me out.

Reflect

After making these observations, we need to reflect. For example, reflect upon what’s been done up to this point to deal with the needs of the high-maintenance person. What’s worked and what hasn’t? What other options do I have? To what extent have I been truthful with the high-maintenance person in my life?

Reflect upon my limits. Have I exceeded them? Do I need more margin in my life in order to have the emotional energy to relate well with high-maintenance people and others in my life?

Every time I say “yes” to what high-maintenance people ask of me means I’m saying “no” to something else. What is it costing me in other areas of my life to relate with needy people like this?

Reflect upon what might be causing this high-maintenance person to be the way they are. Take a guess. Every behavior has a payoff, so what could be the payoff to the person being a difficulty to others? What’s in it for them? Could their behavior be a manifestation of a mental illness?

What have I done in the past when I just didn’t know what to do? Are there other people who could help me in helping the high-maintenance person in my life?

Reflect upon what Jesus would do in the situation you’re in.

Reflect upon what would be the loving thing to do. Not the nice thing, but the loving thing. What would benefit the high-maintenance person the most, long-term?

And then reflect on this thought, do I already know what I should do, and I’m just reluctant to do it?

Act

Finally, after we observe and reflect, it’s time to act in relating with the high-maintenance people in our life.

Ask God for wisdom. He’ll show you what to do. Reflect his character and image well in whatever action you take.

Doing nothing can be a wise option as long as it’s carefully thought out and considered in light of all the variables in play.

The answer to “what should I do?” may very well appear to you after you reflect upon what you observed. It often happens that way.

Listen well to high-maintenance people. Ask good questions. Look for meaning below the surface of their responses.

Whatever you decide to do, be truthful and express that truth with kindness and compassion. Be honest.

Tell the high-maintenance person what you can and can’t do for them.

Help them see the choices they have and the implications for each of them

Above all, point people to Jesus.

Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode

Don’t let high-maintenance people get the best of you. Use the ORA principle of deepening relationships to relate with them. Observe, Reflect, then Act. It’s a skill. And as with any skill, it just takes practice.

Closing

I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, enough to put into practice what you’ve just heard about relating with high-maintenance people.
For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God wants for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that’s it for today. If there’s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. The link is JohnCertalic.com/177.

And don’t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I’ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now.

Related episodes you may want to listen to

020: Relating with People Who Talk Too Much
128: The Joy of Relationships
139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?

Our website where you can access all past and future episodes
JohnCertalic.com

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This

enSeptember 28, 2022

176: The Joy of Relationships by Watching Others

In episode 166 a few months ago I shared stories about how we can experience the joy of relationships when people spread a little relational sunshine around. Today’s episode is another story that shows how it’s done. A story that will make you smile. One you can adapt to spark joy in your own relationships.

Welcome to You Were Made for This

If you’re new to the podcast, the easiest way to access all past and future episodes is to go to JohnCertalic.com and click on the follow or subscribe button. You’ll then get a brief email each week with a link to the latest episode, together with a description of what it’s about.

Someone with a need

Today’s example of the joy of relationships started with my wife, Janet, and a particular need she had. We were preparing for a week at Forest Springs, a Christian camp where we’ve been going to for years with our son and his family. Janet felt the need for a pedicure before we went and checked in to the place where she’s gone for this in the past. This time, though, She was disturbed by how much it was going to cost, as they had recently raised their rates.

Sensing this problem, I offered to solve it. Because I’m a guy and that’s what we do.

“Let me paint your toenails, Janet,” I said gleefully.

“I’ve never done it before, but how hard can it be? I’ll watch a YouTube video to learn how. There are paint brushes in a tin can down in the basement I can use. All you need to do is get the paint you want, and we’ll be good to go. Think how much money we’ll save!”

One joy of relationships is feeling free to ask for help

Her response surprised me as it was not as appreciative as I had expected. She was not as confident in my skill level in this kind of thing as I was.

“I think I’ll ask Eleanor instead“, Janet replied. “I like the way she does her own toes; she’s quite artistic, and maybe she’ll do mine.”

Yeah, right I thought. Eleanor is our 17-year-old granddaughter and was quite busy with tennis lessons, ballet practice, and her part-time job at Target. I know her heart would be in the right place, but she won’t have time.

A few days later Janet asked Eleanor if she would give her a pedicure. In the blink of an eye, Eleanor said, “Sue, Grandma. Of course. We’ll make it a spa day!”

A week later Eleanor drove over to our house for her and Janet’s “Spa Day.” She’s only 17, and I’m just starting to get used to her driving. I used to drive her to school every Tuesday, and now she’s driving herself. She’s growing up way too fast.

The joy of relationships in blessing someone

Anyway, she came to our house and went off into our small room where we have our TV and started in on Janet’s toes. About halfway through the procedure, I wandered in and snapped a photo of our artist at work. It’s the cover photo for today’s episode. Be sure to look at it if you haven’t already done so.

Walking out of the room I thought, what kind of kid does this kind of thing? There are adults working at beauty salons for a living who hate the idea of touching someone’s feet. Yet here Eleanor is doing this willingly. That evening I posted the photo on Facebook with the comment, You know your granddaughter loves you when she paints your toenails. That’s the kind of kid who does that kind of thing. A girl who loves her grandmother.

The scene so reminded me of Jesus washing the feet of the disciples. Both scenes depict the joy of relationships. One person serving the needs of another. One person blessing another.

The joy of relationships in watching others

In reflecting on the photo I took and what it captures I witnessed the joy of relationships on several levels. It starts with Janet feeling free to ask Eleanor to help her, knowing how busy our granddaughter was. Eleanor could easily have said, I’d love to, but I’m too busy, and Janet would have understood. She would have been okay with that.

Janet loves getting her toenails painted, and she felt blessed that Eleanor did this for her. Her joy tank was filled to overflowing.

I felt joy in watching how this incident brought out the best in Eleanor. Whenever we willingly serve others it brings out the best in us. We were made for this, you know.

I also felt Joy in seeing how my son and daughter-in-law raised Eleanor. Teenagers don’t inherently want to paint their grandmother's toenails. Her parents disciplined her well at an early age, and instilled virtues in her that make joy in relationships possible.

For me, I felt the joy of relationships just watching this bonding activity of our granddaughter with Janet. It had nothing to do with me, but it filled my heart with joy to see them relating with each other like this.

When all 10 toes were painted to perfection, Janet and Eleanor left the house to go out for lunch and a little shopping - a perfect ending to their spa day.

So what does all this mean for YOU?

How can you use what you’ve heard today to improve the relationships in YOUR life? A couple of ideas from this episode come to mind.

First off, ask for help from someone you normally wouldn’t ask. Even ask a teenager. They can do more than we often give them credit for.
Look for the Spirit of God working in the lives of people around you.
Be sensitive to what pleases others. Be a joy giver, not just a joy watcher
Watch people interact with each other. Develop your people-watching skills. Cultivate a holy curiosity.
Observing the joy of relationships between two strangers can fill your heart, too.

Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode

One of the great joys of life is the joy of relationships. We experience it by delighting in blessing other people, watching others do the same, and being thankful when people bless and delight in us.

Closing

For when you do, it will help you experience what God wants for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that’s it for today. If there’s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. The link is JohnCertalic.com/176.

And don’t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I’ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now.

Related episodes you may want to listen to

166: How to Spread a Little Relational Sunshine
139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?
021: The Most Important Relationship of All

Our website where you can access all past and future episodes

JohnCertalic.com

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This

enSeptember 21, 2022

175: Reflecting On Stories From Our Past Can Grow Us

Relationship stories from our past have a way of shaping us years after they occurred. I have two of them that happened decades ago during this month of September. It wasn’t until many years had passed that I understood the impact these two events had on my life.

It’s what I’m going to talk about in today’s episode because I bet you have stories like this, too.

Welcome to You Were Made for This

Welcome to You Were Made for This. If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you’ve come to the right place. Here you’ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for.

I'm John Certalic, author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

If you’re new to the podcast, the easiest way to access all past and future episodes is to go to JohnCertalic.com and click on the follow or subscribe button. That’s John with an “H” and Certalic with a C-e-r-t-a-l-i-c, dot com. You’ll then get a brief email each week with a link to the latest episode, together with a description of what it’s about.

Every September

Both of the stories from my past that greatly affected me happened in September. The first has to do with my grandma, my dad’s mother. Every Labor Day I saw her crying over the death of her daughter Helen in a car crash on Labor Day that happened many years ago in the late 1920s or early 30s. It was the only time I ever saw her cry. I felt so bad for her.

My dad was pretty young at the time, not even a teenager yet. He was in the car with his sisters Helen and Josephine, and Grandma when it happened. Aunt Jo, as we called her, was driving the car. Everyone survived except Helen.

During the time I was doing genealogy work in an effort to locate my birth father, I also found the death certificate of my dad’s sister Helen in the Register of Deeds office. I took notes about it, but I can’t find them. Maybe I'll go down there to look again if I can get in. I remember the name of the road where the crash took place, and where it happened. I’ve driven through this location. And when I do I always think of the heartache my Grandma experienced on that Labor Day so long ago, and how it stayed with her the rest of her life.

Pain that doesn’t go away

This is one of the stories from my past that helped shape me. It was the first time, I saw an adult cry over pain in their life. A piece of my Grandmother’s heart was ripped out of her decades ago and there was nothing anyone could do to fix it now. There was no way to make the pain of this traumatic loss go away. Yet in spite of this hole in her heart she was able to love me, and the rest of our family, along with her network of Slovenian immigrant friends.

I wish I had asked questions about the crash. Questions of my dad or grandmother. Questions like: how did this affect everyone? What caused the accident? Was Aunt Jo responsible for the accident, or was someone else who crashed into them? Did she feel guilty? How did she and Grandma relate after the accident? What was Helen like? What kind of person was she?

Where is she buried? What was my dad’s relationship with Helen before she was killed? Anyone who could answer these questions are long gone.

I had opportunities to ask my dad and grandma these questions, but like all of us, I was more concerned with issues facing me in the present. So I didn’t ask them, and I’m at a loss for it. I didn’t appreciate how this tragic event from the past affected my father and grandmother. Had I known more of what they went through back then it could have shed some light on how they both related to me in the present. The past often illuminates the present. I regret not learning this important relationship lesson earlier in life.

I hope you learn it. Sooner rather than later.

Another September tragedy

Of all the relationship stories from my past, the most impactful one happened when I was 15 years old and my friend Mark, who lived across the street, was killed on September 10, 1964.

I wrote about this in my book THEM - The Richer Life Found in Caring for Others. Here’s a brief excerpt:

“Of all the memories of my dad, however, the one that sticks out the most is the day Bozo died. I cringe now even using his name, but that is what we all affectionately called Mark, a neighbor boy who lived across the street. To refer to him now as Mark seems disrespectful. We all loved Bozo. Our neighborhood had lots of kids who hung around together, and we all got along well with each other. He was an integral part of our community, a community torn apart the evening Bozo was killed.

“It was a few days after school started in September and my brother and I had just gone downstairs to do our homework in our basement bedroom—our boy cave. Suddenly, we heard unexpected footsteps coming down the stairs. It was our mother. Visibly shaken, she sat on one of our beds.

“‘I have some very bad news to tell you.’

“There was a long pause as she started to choke up, and then composed herself.

“‘Bozo was riding his bike home from a park late this afternoon and was hit by a car. And he died.’

“He died? Bozo is dead? How can that be? We just saw him yesterday. How could he be dead? I wondered. That just can’t be.

My family reacts to the tragic news

“Quietly sobbing, my mother went back upstairs. Shortly thereafter, my brother Joe and I followed upstairs. I remember all of us wandering around in disbelief, like disoriented ants, not knowing what to think and feeling quite shocked. With dusk setting in, I looked out a window and saw something I will never forget.

“There was Bozo’s father, walking down the middle of the street of our quiet sleepy neighborhood, with my dad beside him, arm over his shoulder. My dad was no grief counselor. He had no training in this area, but he was a good neighbor and he cared for his friend. When I hear the expression 'walking with someone through difficult times,' I think of this image of my dad, who did this literally and figuratively for a neighbor whose son had just been killed.

“I can’t help but admire a man like that. For though he didn’t treat me as well as he should have, he did the best he could. Relating to adults was easier for him; he was just unskilled in relating to his oldest son, who biologically was not his own. Yeah, I can have compassion for a dad like that, who had compassion for a grieving friend. I can forgive someone like him. Sure. I can do that. I should do that. Since I want to do that, I will. I will forgive. And I did.”

THEM, Chapter 13, “Forgiveness”, pages 170-171

This story from my past grew me

This story from my past grew me in several ways. It was my first realization that people close to me will one day die. I knew this in my mind, of course, but Bozo’s death embedded this reality in my heart.

When I was working on the book I wrote, I wasn’t sure of the exact date and year of Bozo’s death. So I went to the cemetery next to the church his family and mine attended. It took a while, but I found his gravestone. I took a photo
of it and you can see in the show notes. He would be 71 today had he lived, instead of dying at age 13.

I loved the inscription on his gravestone, “In God’s Care.” I hope his parents and siblings believed this, and that it brought them comfort.

It was important for me to go to his grave because it confirmed for me that what I thought happened many years ago actually did occur at the time I remembered. Do you ever think like this, where you second guess yourself about events from long ago? Did this really happen?

Understanding may not come for many years

And as I mentioned in the reading from the book, this experience grew me by seeing a side of my father that made it easier to forgive him for how he parented me. But I didn’t really see it until many years later. What I witnessed that evening was an observation, but I was too immature to reflect on what I observed.

It wasn’t until many years later, with the Spirit of God working in my heart, that I could reflect on the meaning of that poignant scene of my dad walking down the middle of the street, his arm over the shoulder of a neighbor whose son had just been killed.

So what does all this mean for YOU?

What are the stories from your past that would be helpful to reflect upon now? Maybe now is the time to ask God to help you find a larger meaning to something that impacted you years ago. Maybe there’s something you missed then that could help you grow now.

Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode

Stories from our past can continue to grow us. Reflecting on them through the lens of God’s spirit within us will often yield deeper insights years later into what happened back then.

Closing

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God wants for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that’s it for today. If there’s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. The link is JohnCertalic.com/175.

And don’t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I’ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now.

Related episodes you may want to listen to, along with the book mentioned:

139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?
021: The Most Important Relationship of All

THEM - The Richer Life Found in Caring for Others

Our website where you can access all past and future episodes

JohnCertalic.com

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This

enSeptember 14, 2022

174: Labor Day - A Time to Reflect

Here in the United States where I live we just finished celebrating Labor Day two days ago. It comes around every year on the first Monday in September. For many of us, it’s the most melancholy of all our national holidays. Yet, Labor Day week is also a great time to reflect. Reflect upon what, you ask? Keep listening, for I answer this question in today’s show.

Welcome to You Were Made for This

I’m your host, John Certalic, author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

If you’re new to the podcast, the easiest way to access upcoming episodes is to go to JohnCertalic.com and click on the follow or subscribe button. That’s John with an “H” and Certalic with a “C” at the beginning and the end, dot com. You’ll then get a brief email each week with a link to the latest episode, together with a description of what it’s about.

The blandest of holidays - Labor Day

Labor Day, as I mentioned, is the most melancholy of all US holidays. It marks the unofficial end of summer and the beginning of fall. It’s the middle child of our national holidays. Labor Day doesn’t honor any particular person or event in our nation’s history. It’s pretty nondescript; an afterthought among the rest of our holidays. Airports are not jammed with Labor Day holiday travelers.

Labor Day became a national holiday in America in 1894 to honor working men and women. It grew out of labor unrest due to horrible working conditions in the later part of the 19th century. Other nations in the world have a similar holiday, often celebrating it on May 1st.

For me, Labor Day week is a time to reflect on the nearly 25 years I spent in the executive recruiting business, helping companies fill their staffing needs and coaching people on how to find jobs. It makes me reflect on the things I learned about people and how a job fits into the rest of our life.

I hope you know by now that this podcast is all about finding joy in the relationships God designed for us. One of those relationships is the job God provided for you. If you’ve ever earned a paycheck it was because of a relationship you had with the employer who paid you. So in keeping with this Labor Day holiday week, I thought it would help to take time to reflect on several important principles related to our relationship with our work.

Principles of relationships at work

Everyone is hired to solve a problemTake time to reflect on what problems you’re helping to solve at work. What are you doing to bring in income to the organization, cut costs, or further your employer’s mission in the world?
Know the difference between a job and a career and act accordingly

A job is a means to an end. It’s a small part of our identity. A career is a larger part of who we are. It doesn’t define us, but it’s a big part.

A stay-at-home-mom is a career, not a job. It too solves a problem.
Take time to reflect on what you don’t want to do for a career.

Story of grandson Grant what he learned about himself in his internship

To get ahead at work, think like an employer, not an employee

Employees are driven by what’s in it for them. An employer mindset thinks about furthering the purposes of the organization

Reflect on this question, Do I have 10 years of experience in my job, or do I have 1 year of experience repeated 10 times?

There’s value in every work experience

God doesn’t waste any of our experiences. Don’t you either. Take time to reflect on what you’ve learned from each one.

Story of grandson Grant’s camp counselor job getting him an internship with a research study

Changing jobs for the sole reason of earning more money is a terrible idea.
No employer cares what you’re passionate about. They only care about results. It’s the theme of Cal Newport’s book, So Good They Can’t Ignore You.
Some people fail at jobs because they’re a square peg in a round hole. If that’s you, look for a square hole and you’ll thrive.

The church who sent one of their missionaries to us to answer the question, “Is he cut out to be a missionary?”

Airplane mechanic running a missionary guest house in Africa

Jobs/Careers are about working with things - people - or data.

Change jobs/companies is always an option

The greatest job satisfaction comes from using the abilities and talents God equipped you with. The greatest dissatisfaction comes when you don’t.
Parable of the servant and talents in Matthew 25:14-30

So what does all this mean for YOU?

This Labor Day week, as we transition from summer to fall, is a great time to reflect on our jobs, careers, and the meaning they have in our lives. Ask God to help you in the process.

The extent to which we apply the principles I mentioned, the more joy we’ll experience in our job or career.

Read Cal Newport’s book, So Good They Can’t Ignore You.

Listen to Episode 025, "The Toughest Job in America" The main point of the episode is: How we relate to our job is often a reflection of how we relate to God. The episode contains several stories on how we view our jobs and careers.

If you’re a parent, pass these principles on to your kids. Share examples of them from your own experience at work.
If you are no longer working, take time to reflect on how God led and sustained you during your working life. Thank him for those years and what you learned during that time.

Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode

Labor Day week is a great time to reflect on how to be all that God created us to be. It’s an opportune time to think about the abilities and talents God hard-wired into us and to thank him for it.

Closing

In closing, I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, enough to put into practice what you’ve just heard about taking time to reflect on your work. To consider how the work you do can make best use of the skills and talents God created you with.

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God designed for you. Because You Were Made for This.

Well, that’s it for today. If there’s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. The link to today’s episode is simply JohnCertalic.com/174.

And don’t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I’ll see you again next time.

Related episodes you may want to listen to

040: A Square Peg in a Round Hole

025: The Toughest Job in America

139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?

021: The Most Important Relationship of All

Our website where all past and future episodes live

JohnCertalic.com

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This

enSeptember 07, 2022

173: Celebrate National Relationship Transitions Day

As the summer winds down here on the last day of August, many of us are going through a relationship transition of one kind or another. Kids going off to school for the first time. Sons and daughters heading off to college. And those of us left behind to face an unfamiliar future where those we love are no longer around as they once were.

Relationship transitions are unique opportunities to bring out the best in us. It’s what today’s episode is all about.

Welcome to You Were Made for This

If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you’ve come to the right place. Here you’ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I’m your host, John Certalic, author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

Now about those relationship transitions I mentioned earlier

“Transition” is a common buzzword you hear in missionary circles these days. They talk about it often because missionaries experience so many of them. Transitions from one culture to another. Countless goodbyes to people we know and love one day, and hellos to complete strangers in another culture the next.

Here’s another thing about transitions. Did you know that in August we have National Single Working Women’s Day, Dog Appreciation Day, and Middle Child Day? And August 31st, the day this episode first airs, we have National Relationship Transitions Day.

I think about it every year at this time when I recall how a long time ago we sent our kids went off to kindergarten for the very first time. And then years later when they left home for college. Those were days filled with both sadness and joy, mixed all together - like a ham and cheese omelet stuffed with broccoli.

Other examples of relationship transitions

More recently I saw joy and sadness at a high school graduation party this summer for a friend’s son. She talked about the joy of her son completing high school on such a high note. But then her eyes teared up at the mention of him leaving home for college in a few weeks. “I don’t even want to think about it,” she whispered.

Then there are those nostalgic Facebook posts popping up of moms and dads commenting on sending their kids off to kindergarten for the first time, and how it seems like just two months ago when they brought them home from the hospital as infants.

I recently heard another example of relationship transitions on a podcast, when out of left field the host reflected on how melancholy she was feeling thinking about sending her twin daughters off to college for the first time.

Relationship transitions like these are happening all around us.

Children go through relationship transitions themselves

I had an interesting conversation with our twin grandsons recently. They're both 20 now and in college. When I asked them what was the most difficult transition they faced in advancing through their educational career, they surprised me. I thought they would have said from high school to college.

They actually said that was the easiest. The hardest for them was going from elementary school to middle school. That’s been the most challenging transition they’ve faced thus far.

So how do you celebrate National Relationship Transitions Day? How can we use it to bring out the best in us?

If you’re going through a relationship transition yourself

Remind yourself of the joy during an earlier time in your relationship. Savor memories of past joy. At the same time, develop a “holy anticipation” of the potential joy that could await you in the future.
Here’s an example of a future joy I would never have anticipated. It happened yesterday: The story of my grandson Grant whipping out his credit card to buy me a cup of Starbucks coffee at the mall. It was a complete role reversal for a moment.
More moments like this will come. Be patient. There’s no guarantee, but those you cared for so deeply earlier may likely care well for you in the future.

If someone you care about is going through a relationship transition

Here are a few ideas.

Reach out to a parent of a child getting on the school bus for the first time, and ask how they’re doing.

Call a parent who just got back from taking their kid to college and hauling their boxes of stuff to their first dorm room. “How did it go for you?”

In either case, send a card or note in the mail that says something along the lines of

“I’ve been thinking about you, and praying for you as you process (kids name) heading off to school/college for the first time. I imagine it may be difficult to end one chapter of parenting, and then enter this new unknown one.” Something like that.

In essence, let people you know going through a relationship transition that you're thinking of them, and maybe even praying for them. There’s something comforting in simply knowing someone else knows what you’re dealing with. Let them know you know it’s hard, and that you’re pulling for them.

All of these ideas are examples of Romans 12:15, Rejoice with those who rejoice, mourn with those who mourn.

Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode

Relationship transitions are opportunities to care for people by letting them know you’ve been there too, and you know how difficult these transitions can be.

Closing

In closing, I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, enough to put into practice what you’ve just heard. Reach out to someone in a relationship transition to let them know you care.

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God intends for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that’s it for today. If there’s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. The link to this episode is JohnCertalic.com/173.

And don’t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I’ll see you again next time.

Related episodes you may want to listen to

069: When Our Kids Go Off to School for the First Time
139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?
021: The Most Important Relationship of All

Our website where you can access all past and future episodes

JohnCertalic.com

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This

enAugust 31, 2022

172: How to Develop Deeper Relationships

Developing deeper relationships is the topic of today’s show, and is a follow-up to last week’s episode, no. 171. It was an encore episode of an interview I did with Charley and Ruth Shirley in late 2018. It came about from Charley’s Facebook post with a photo of his wife of 30 some years cleaning the grave marker of Charley’s first wife who was killed in a tragic car accident five months into their marriage. I’ve posted Charley’s Facebook photo in the show notes. It was taken by Charley and Ruth’s adult daughter, Lucy.

It’s a beautiful story I hope you go back to listen to if you haven’t already heard it. Their story illustrates eight principles that can help each of us develop deeper relationships in our own lives. And that’s what I’m going to talk about in today’s show.

Welcome to You Were Made for This

Welcome to You Were Made for This. If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you’ve come to the right place. Here you’ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for.

I am your host, John Certalic, author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

Last week’s episode, #171

In last week’s episode, #171, Charley tells the story of his wife, Ruth, and their adult daughter Lucy, who were returning from taking their oldest daughter off to graduate school out East. On their way home, they were passing through Youngstown, Ohio where Charley’s first wife was buried. Some time ago Charley had mentioned to Lucy that if she were ever near Youngstown he would appreciate it if she would stop by the grave of his first wife, Bev, and pay her respects.

Charley started by talking about Lucy calling him at work while she and Ruth were near Youngstown, Ohio to get directions to find the grave, which was a bit of a challenge. Anxious to get home from their thousand-mile road trip, Ruth spoke about initially not wanting to stop. But she knew it would mean a lot to Charley, and also to their youngest daughter Lucy. So she did.

Once they found the grave marker, Ruth cleaned it up with the only thing she had - her car keys. While she did, Lucy snapped a picture of Ruth cutting weeds and grass from around the grave marker. Ruth talked about how this moment deeply affected her and Lucy, how they both cried, and how Ruth described it as standing on “holy ground.” Ruth also talked about the profound effect this had on Lucy.

Deeper relationships sometimes cast shadows

Charley talked about the shadow that Lucy cast while taking a picture of her mother cleaning the grave marker. He saw a connection in this shadow between Lucy and Bev, as they were both the second child of their respective parents.

He summed it up best when he said the point of this story for him was about healing. How what his 2nd wife, and 2nd daughter, did to honor his first wife brought closure to a tragedy that happened over 30 years ago.

That was the interview in a nutshell of episode #171.

I came away from our time together with Charley and Ruth with several important lessons and principles about deeper relationships that would serve all of us well if we practiced them in our relationships.

Principles and observations about deeper relationships

1.Healing often takes time. Sometimes a long time. It had been over 33 years since Charley’s first wife, Bev, had died. And this graveyard story of a few years ago contributed to Charley’s healing. We need to be patient with others and ourselves with the time it takes to heal. For Charley, and for some of us, the healing comes from clarifying what our future holds.

2. It pays to listen well to people, especially the people closest to us. On the way home from Connecticut to Wisconsin, Lucy REMEMBERED what her dad had said, “If you ever are near Youngstown, Ohio…..” Lucy had a holy curiosity about her dad’s past. She asked about Bev. She wanted to know, because she realized that this particular relationship is an important part of his life. And her relationship with her dad is an important part of hers.

To care well usually takes sacrifice. I felt for Ruth in this story. After moving your daughter into a 3rd-floor apartment on a hot summer day, and then start off on a thousand-mile road trip back home, and then to take a time-consuming detour to look for the grave of someone you never met, well that’s sacrifice.

Limited resources should not hold us back

4. Sometimes the best care we can provide is when we have limited resources and don’t know what to do. Ruth and Lucy had difficulty finding the cemetery, and then the grave. But the difficulty didn’t stop them. All they had were car keys. Ah, the car keys.

5. It’s okay when our first inclination is to not inconvenience ourselves for the sake of another. That’s normal. Ruth was very transparent in saying she felt guilty about her initial reaction. What is beautiful is when we move past our first thoughts because we know we can honor and bless someone if we don’t give in to our basic human preference for convenience. Hats off to Ruth!

6. God at times uses symbols within events to let us know he loves us, cares for us, and that he is there for us. The picture of Lucy’s shadow over Ruth cleaning Bev’s grave marker. Ruth cleaning up what others have ignored. For Charley, it “closed the loop,” as he put it.Lucy’s shadow in the picture represented the future he wondered about over 30 years ago. Because he was able to move well through his grief after that tragic event happened, he was able to re-marry. He was able to have children, one of whom cast a shadow over both his current and former wife. Lucy’s shadow connected the three of them to bring closure to the tragedy that happened so long ago

We're all connected to each other

7. We really are all connected to each other, if for no other reason than we all come from the same source, God himself. Some day in eternity we will see all these connections, some of which we don’t quite understand in this life. For those of us with a relationship with Jesus, we will see Bev one day, and I bet she will thank Charley for sharing the story of their 21 months together. She will thank Ruth and Lucy for honoring her the day they cleaned off her grave marker. And all of us will give thanks to the Lord for the relationships he gave us, which if we look carefully enough, we’ll see, all point directly back to him.

8. There are things God is doing in our lives that at times we just cannot explain. Why did Charley survive the car accident and Bev didn’t. The feeling of “Holy Ground” that Ruth talked about over Bev’s grave. Lucy feeling a connection with Bev, her father’s first wife. Unrelated to her by blood, but somehow related by spirit in ways we cannot explain.

Shadows really do connect us.

Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode

We develop deeper relationships with people when we listen well to each other, inconvenience ourselves for other people at times, and realize we’re all connected with each other by virtue of the fact that each of us has been created in the Image of God.

So what does all this mean for YOU?

How can you use what you’ve heard today to improve the relationships in YOUR life?

I’d encourage you to ask yourself, and God, what deeper relationships could you nurture based on the relationship principles we talked about today?

Namely, give people time to heal. Listen well to others. Sacrifice your time and energy. Use your limited resources to bless others. Fight through your natural inclination to be self-centered. Look for ways God is connecting you with someone else. Things like this.

Closing

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God intends for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that’s it for today. If there’s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. The link is JohnCertalic.com/172.

And of course, if you haven’t listened to episode 171 which is the actual interview with Charley and Ruth, please do that. JohnCertalic.com/171.

Finally, don’t forget to spread a little sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I’ll see you next time.

Related episodes you may want to listen to

171: We're All Connected with Each Other
139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?

Our website where you can access all past and future episodes

JohnCertalic.com

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This

enAugust 24, 2022

171: We're All Connected with Each Other

The first interview I ever did on this podcast was about how we are all connected with each other. It was episode 8 where my wife and I sat in the living room of two friends from church, Charley and Ruth. It’s where Charley shared the story of what his wife Ruth and their daughter did to help bring healing and closure to the death of Charley’s first wife, some 30 years ago.

It's a remarkable story I'm re-telling today because of the relationship lessons it illustrates.

Welcome to You Were Made for This

If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you’ve come to the right place. Here you’ll discover practical principles to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I am your host, John Certalic, your award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

If you’re new to the podcast, the easiest way to access upcoming episodes is to go to JohnCertalic.com. Scroll down half a page or so to sign up and click on the follow or subscribe button. That’s John with an “H” and Certalic with a “C” at the beginning and the end. Dot com.

Interview with Charley and Ruth Shirley - an Encore from episode 008

Here we go with my interview with Charley and Ruth Shirley. It’s one of my favorites.

Sorry, there’s no transcript available of the interview. Click here to listen to it.

Connected with each other: final thoughts

This interview really touched me. In reflecting on it, I came away with eight lessons I learned from my conversation with Charley and Ruth. I spoke with Carol about them and she said if I talked about them now, it would detract from the power of the interview itself, “just get off the air as quickly as you can,” was her advice. So I’m going to do just that.

That was good advice from Carol way back in episode 8. What we decided to do back then, and what we’re doing this time, is to use next week’s episode, to go over the 8 lessons I learned from Charley's story. They are practical relationship principles we can use in our own relationships. We’ll have all that for you in episode 172 next week.

So what does what you heard in this interview mean for YOU?

It raises two questions. The first is like the healing Charley experienced 30 some years after a tragedy in his life; where have you seen God care for you in unusual or mysterious ways?

It also makes me wonder if there are opportunities God is placing in front of you to honor someone, to care for another in ways that reflect the image and character of God? Similar to how Charley’s wife, Ruth, and his daughter Lucy cared for him.

Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode

We are all connected with each other because we’re all created in the image of God. It’s what enables us to bring healing and comfort to each other.

Closing

In closing, I hope today's show stimulated your thinking. To put into practice what you’ve just heard about how we are connected with each other. For we are all created in the image of God and designed to reflect that image well.

Well, that’s about it for today. I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s program. If you think of someone who could benefit from today’s show, please send them a link to today’s episode, JohnCertalic.com/171.

And also, don’t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I’ll see you again next time.

Quote of the Week

“Often we are attached to people in ways we don’t understand.”
- Ruth Shirley, and her daughter Lucy

Related episodes you may want to listen to

139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?
021: The Most Important Relationship of All

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enAugust 17, 2022

170: When People Disappoint Us

In just a few weeks many of us with school-age kids will be sending them off for the next chapter in their educational lives. Others of us who home school will be calling them to the kitchen table for the same purpose.In either case, an unintended relationship lesson kids learn at one point or another in their schooling is that people will disappoint us.

Today’s episode is about how we can respond to this disappointment in ways that will bring out the best in us. Regardless if we’re in kindergarten, or a graduate of the School Hard Knocks, class of 1958 and beyond.

But before we get into all this here’s Carol

Hey thank you, Carol, and yes it’s me, John Certalic. I’m your award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

If you’re new to the podcast, the easiest way to access upcoming episodes is to go to JohnCertalic.com and click on the follow or subscribe button. That’s John with an “H” and Certalic with a “C” at the beginning and the end. Dot
com. You’ll then get a brief email each week with a link to the latest episode, together with a description of what it’s about.

For today I have a story that’s an encore from way back in episode 53. It involves snow. And lots of it. Which is especially pleasant to think about in light of the heat wave sweeping across the US and Europe here in August of 2022.

It’s a story about one of my grandkids who saw first-hand how people disappoint us. And then I’ll have a few comments from me on how we can respond to this disappointment, regardless of our age or where we are in life.

Let’s begin.

Children lose their innocence when they see how people disappoint us

If you have ever spent any significant time around children, do you remember the times your heart ached for them when they discovered that life can be harsh? Where they experienced the sadness of relational pain?

When your child’s network of friends all get invited to a birthday party, except your kid? When a child’s favorite pet dies? When all you teenager’s friends have been asked to homecoming, but not yours?

These examples raise the question of “Who’s going to be there for me when I need them?” When children face the harsh reality that people they thought would be there for them, aren’t, we call it a loss of innocence.

You see this theme in literature all the time. To Kill a Mockingbird is a classic example. Scout, the young girl in the story comes face to face with the racism she sees in the adults her small town in the South.

And loss of innocence doesn’t stop with childhood. Let me share a story that illustrates this, and then a way we can best deal with this inconvenient relationship reality.

Help from our grandson

Trip to visit our daughter in SC, when back home we had a 7” snowfall
Our son Michael texted, “have you made arrangements for the snow?”
He sent George, our 18-year-old grandson, over the next day to shovel. I hadn’t shown him how to use our snowblower.
I told George just to clear a path to the garage for our car, and I would finish the rest with our snowblower when I got home.
George texted me when he was finished and said, “It was some of the heaviest snow I’ve ever shoveled, but I got it done.”
We returned home a few days later and I stopped over to pay him.

Grandson George observes how people disappoint us

At the end of a conversation about some small talk regarding other things, George brought up his shoveling experience again and said,

I was out there a long time shoveling, and after awhile, I wondered why none of your neighbors stopped over to ask if they could help. I mean, when our neighbor Mrs. Fibeena was alive, Grant and I would always shovel her driveway. And our neighbor Don across the street, we shoveled the driveway for him, and now for his wife since he died last year. But none of your neighbors offered to help shovel.

At least 24 hours had passed since the snowfall ended, and all the other driveways in the neighborhood were snow-free. But not ours.
The tone of George’s voice was genuine surprise that no neighbors offered to help out with a need another neighbor had. It was so contrary to his experience, where he lived 3 miles away that he and his brother (and sister) were used to. “We help our neighbors” is a value his parents are raising him with.
He wasn’t complaining or whining at all. His wistful comments came across to me as a sociological observation and reflection upon human nature, with a twinge of sadness to it.

When people disappoint us it can come as a surprise

My heart ached for George, that he saw this side of human nature about our neighbors that was so contrary to his own experience. I even briefly thought "maybe we better move.”
I know George sees this side of humanity on a daily basis with his peers. He’s no stranger to seeing the less flattering side of the human condition.
But his surprise with our neighbors’ lack of help showed that at 18 years of age he’s lost another measure of childhood innocence. That people you would have thought would have been there for you, other adults, were not.
I also sensed he was feeling bad for me, that these were the kind of neighbors we have. My heart ached for his kind and tender heart.
George knew what our former neighborhood was like; he saw it first hand, with people like Kevin who lived across the street.

While some people disappoint us now, others in the past did the opposite

In our former neighborhood, Kevin and I cleared driveways of snow for 3 neighbors. They were all older than us. Kevin did more than me.
When my mother died in March years ago, we had a late winter snowfall of 3-4 inches the day of her funeral. I didn’t have time to snow blow the driveway before the service, as we had to leave in a hurry. But when we got home later that day, Kevin or one of the other neighbors had cleared our driveway of snow.
No one asked them to. They just did it. Because our snow-covered driveway told people something was wrong, so they stepped in to help.

Sometimes people disappoint us when our expectations are unrealistic

Getting back to George’s observation, I can imagine all kinds of legitimate reasons why people didn’t help.
If any of them would listen to this podcast, I’m sure they’d have a reasonable explanation for not helping out.
Some of them might even be irritated at me for suggesting someone should have helped. After all it’s not my neighbor’s responsibility to keep my driveway clear of snow.
The fact I helped clear their drive a few times, doesn’t mean they owe me a return favor. I certainly get that.
I don’t want to be critical, I just want to make an observation. And that is in this one instance with George, our current neighborhood personified what the Apostle Paul writes in Romans 12: 2, “Do not be conformed to the pattern of this world.” The pattern of this world, at least in our neighborhood, is NOT to help others in a jam. Keep to yourself. Take care of #1. Don’t extend yourself. “That’s the behavior and custom of this world.”
We have nice people in our neighborhood. People are cordial and respectful of one another, and I suspect there are examples of caring and helping others that I’m not aware of.

It’s one thing for people to disappoint us. It’s another when they disappoint those we love

Nevertheless, my heart still aches a bit for George. And it may very well be my heart aches more for myself than him.
George is a very caring person, you might remember me talking about him in an earlier episode, how even as a first or second grader, he would hold open the door to his school to let teachers and other adults enter before him.
I notice in caring people, and myself, that every now and then. Not often, but every now and then, you wonder, “When is it going to be my turn? When are people going to care for me, the way I care for them? I wonder if that was what George was feeling when he shoveled snow off our driveway.
I know this thought crosses my mind every now and then, and it can lead to a sense of sadness really quickly.

How are we to respond to this inconvenient relational reality I described?

Ask God for the wisdom and power to:

Resist the temptation to assign bad motives to people who do not care for us the in the way we want to be cared for. Everyone has stuff going on in their lives we are unaware of. Cut people some slack. Extend grace.
Take to heart Philippians 2:4, and obey the command, “Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourself.”
As Mr. Rogers, Fred Rogers of Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood tells us, “look for the helpers.” As adults, look for the helpers and try to be like them. Look for the role models we can emulate.
Become a role model for others. The best version of yourself will have a strong component of caring for others.
Be courageous and ask for help when you need it.
Be okay with the feelings of sadness if they come. Don’t minimize or flee from it. Just sit in for awhile, and before you know it, they will pass. Especially as you move forward with being a caring person yourself.

If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode

When people you thought would be there for you, fail to show up, respond with grace. Ask God to help you to be there for others, even if they don’t show up for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Closing

In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, enough to respond in healthy ways when people disappoint us. For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God intends for you.

Well, that’s it for today. Please consider telling others about this podcast if you think it would be interesting and helpful to them. And don’t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I’ll see you again next time.

Our website where you can access all past and future episodes

JohnCertalic.com

Related episodes you may want to listen to

139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?

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enAugust 10, 2022

169: A Daughter’s Feel-Good Story About Her Father

It’s hard to see the goodness of God sometimes in the midst of all the stress and turmoil going on in the world. What really helps though is coming across a feel-good story where we see God’s hand in filling a void in someone’s heart that’s been there for a very long time. For when we see God filling a hole in someone else’s heart, we can have confidence that He can fill a void in ours too.

I’ve got such a story for you today. It’s one of my favorites.

But before we get into it, here’s Carol:

I'm John Certalic, your award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. You are listening to episode 169.

If you’re new to the podcast, the easiest way to access all our episodes is to go to JohnCertalic.com and click on the follow or subscribe button. That’s John with an “H” and Certalic with a “C” at the beginning and the end. C-E-R-T-A-L-I-C dot com. I’ll have a link to it in the show notes.

You’ll then get a brief email from me each week with a link to the latest episode, together with a description of what it’s about.

Today’s feel-good story

Back on the podcast today is Gail Rohde, who has been on the show several other times talking about what it’s been like as someone who was adopted into a good family, but who as a grown adult with teenage children felt a longing to find her biological mother and father. I’ll have links to those previous episodes at the end of the show notes.

Today though, there’s been a new development in Gail’s story that she shared with me in a recent phone call. Keep listening, or you can read the transcript of our conversation in the show notes.

Transcript of the telephone conversation

John (00:00):
Gail, I noticed that you have now set a record for being on the podcast with the most episodes. You were in episodes 29 and 30 when we talked about your search for your birth parents. And then also 124, just not too long ago.

Gail (00:17): Wow.

John (00:17):
So this is going to look really good on your resume. I hope you appreciate that.

Gail (00:24): I do. I do. I feel honored.

John (00:25):
Yeah. Well, for those that are new to the podcast and don't quite remember, we had talked in episodes 29 and 30 about the fact that you're adopted, and what that was like for you as a child. You were told at an early age that you were adopted. You had great, great parents, but you always wondered about who your mom and dad were, your birth parents anyway.

Gail (00:51): Right.

A feel-good story about finding one's mother

John (00:51):
And we had talked also about you had tracked down your birth mother, and started a relationship with her, and that has been going well. But the new element that I want to chat with you today is finding your birth father, and actually meeting him. I think the last episode, 124, I had asked the question of you and others what are you looking forward to and what are you dreading? And you had mentioned meeting your birth father fell into both categories, as something you were looking forward to, but something you were dreading too.

Gail (01:29): Right.

John (01:30): So, can you tell us how you actually did meet, and what that was like, and how that's been going for you?

Gail (01:38):
Sure. So, we had been talking on the phone for about the last year-and-a-half every now and then, maybe once or twice a month. And had great conversations, learning about each other, learning about each other's lives, but they were fairly short conversations, about 15, 20 minutes, maybe a half hour. So, there's only so much you can really get to know each other in that amount of time. And I think we had tried to do a couple of video chats, but everybody kept freezing, and it was hard to talk. And so that was disappointing, it was hard to really get a feel for who he was, and who his wife was.

Meeting Dad for the first time

Gail (02:19):
And so we finally were able to set up a time to meet last month. And we both drove part way, and met in the middle. They knew this resort town, and so we got a place there and decided to meet. So, we were able to do that. And yeah, it was fantastic. I was so nervous, very anxious going into it, and I don't know why. I knew it was going to go well. He was going to be gracious. I knew he was going to be wonderful. I knew he was going to like his grandkids.

But there was still that lingering what if I get rejected kind of feeling underneath. But I would say the minute that we saw each other, and gave each other a big hug, it just all melted away and then it was just great after that. So yeah, it was really great.

John (03:21):
Well, good. Well, I'm glad that went well for you. What was it like, maybe even before you met in person, when he admitted that he was your father? What did he have to say about his relationship with your birth mother?

This feel-good story didn't always feel good

Gail (03:38):
Well, and it's interesting. I get a different story from each of them. They have very different perspectives on it. So for him, he said that it was kind of a fling. It wasn't a very deep or long-term relationship. And when I was born, he was actually on his way being deployed to Vietnam. And so he had received a letter from my mom with my photograph in it, and he took it to his sergeant and said, "What do I do with this?" And he said, "The sergeant said, "Oh, this happens all the time. I'll take care of it."

And that was the last he saw of me. He gave the letter and the picture to his sergeant, and that was the end. And then by the time he came back from the war, he was dealing with PTSD. He was in another relationship, and I think it just kind of got lost.

John (04:36): Wow, yeah. Yeah.

Different versions of the same story

Gail (04:37): So yeah, it's a very different story, or a different take on what I had learned from my mom, but totally understandable for me. I mean, it made sense, and I get it.

John (04:52): Yeah.

Gail (04:55): There's no ill will. It's not like he took off and didn't want to have anything to do with me. It was bad timing.

John (05:03): Yeah. Yeah. I remember in one of the previous episodes that you were told that he was a medical student when ...

Gail (05:12): Mm-hmm.

John (05:13): Was that true?

Gail (05:16):
I don't know that he was a medical student at the time, but he did end up becoming a physician's assistant. So, he was, I don't know if he was headed in that direction, or maybe he had started. I haven't really clarified that with him, but that is the path he took.

John (05:37): Yeah.

Gail (05:38): So, that was accurate.

Other people in this feel-good story

John (05:41): How did your father's wife and his kids and grandkids deal with the news that they had a new relative that they didn't know about?

Gail (05:54):
Well, it's funny because, and I can't remember if I told this story last time, when I sent him my initial letter, I sent it by mail thinking that he'll get it. And I didn't want to cause any riffs with his wife, I had no idea what that was going to be like. And I guess they were together, and she picked up the mail out of the mailbox. They drove up to the mailbox, she got it, she's looking through it. She's like, "Oh, you got a personal letter from some girl." And she said something like, "Is this about an old girlfriend?" And he's like, "No, just open it." And so she started reading it, and she stopped, she's like, "It kind of is."

John (06:33): Wow.

Gail (06:34):
But she's been so wonderful, and so great, and so accepting. And I probably talk to her just as much as I talk to him. She's just really been great. I haven't met any of my siblings. They all know about me, but I've only heard how those conversations went. So, it sounds like it's all fairly positive, so that's good. Nobody's mad about me, or ...

Feel-good stories can be complicated sometimes

John (07:09):
Yeah. Yeah. I remember when we talked last when you were saying that you were on the one hand looking forward to meeting your birth father, but also dreading meeting him. And I think part of it as I recall was what is the impact going to be with your birth mother?

Gail (07:26): Yeah.

John (07:29): How have you navigated that whole dynamic?

Gail (07:38):
Yeah, I mean that's been a little hard. It's in a good place. Our whole family went out to visit her over spring break, and that's the first time we've all been out there. And so we just had a really wonderful time. And there was a period of time in there that we had just the two of us, and we talked about it. She brought it up, and admitted that it had been very hard, but she knows that I have a right to know who my dad is, and I have a right to meet him. And that she knows she needs to be okay with that. And then I was able to reassure her that I knew that she's worried that he's going to take me away from her, or that I'm going to like him more than I like her.

Reassuring Mom

Gail (08:28):
And I just reassured her, "I'm not going anywhere. If I leave, it's up to me, it's not up to him. He's not going to take me away from you, that's my decision. And I decide to stay with you. I'm always going to be here, we're always going to be here." So, just really tried to reassure her that it's really not changing my relationship with her. So, I haven't been putting it in her face. I didn't tell her when I was going out to see him, she knew I was going to be. And when I came back, we talked on the phone and she said, "You saw him didn't you?" And I said, "Yeah." [inaudible 00:09:16]. And she said, "I'm fine with that, and I'm resolved."

John (09:19): Oh, good.

Some feel-good stories involve healing

Gail (09:19): So, I think there's been a lot of healing. I think it's going to be okay, yeah. I've just been trying to make sure she knows that everything's going to be the same between us.

John (09:34): Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I really appreciate your concern for her too, and knowing that it brings out her fragileness a little bit, and understandably so.

Gail (09:45): Yeah.

John (09:46): What kind of questions did you ask your dad, your birth father? Do you remember anything in particular?

Gail (09:53): Yeah, we talked a lot. And when we got together, his wife brought pictures of him from his childhood, his young adulthood, his time in Vietnam. She had all these pictures of family members. So, we were able to just sit around the table one night, and they were showing me pictures, and he was telling stories.

John (10:19): Wow.

Old photos helped fill in the gaps in this feel-good story

Gail (10:20):
And it was really neat. It was really, really neat. And so, we were able to take pictures of all of those pictures with our phone, so now I have all of those pictures. They gave me all sorts of family information, who my grandparents were, all of my siblings, and their birthdays. And just have just been very, very great. And talking about his life, talking about any questions I have. He kept asking me, "Do you have any questions?" I don't know, you've told me so much stuff I don't even know what to ask.

John (10:53): Yeah.

Gail (10:55): So, yeah, it's been really good. They're just very open. And yeah, he's just been so gracious about everything.

John (11:06): Yeah. And what a great idea to bring all those pictures so that you had a picture of what his life was like in the past.

Gail (11:13): Yeah, it was so neat to be able to see pictures of him around the time when I was born. I'm just like, "Wow." So, that was neat. And the other really, really fun thing for me is I look so much like him.

John (11:27): Oh, I was going to ask you about that. Yeah.

"It feels good to look like my father"

Gail (11:30):
Yeah. There's some resemblance to my mom, if you look hard enough you can kind of tell that we're related. But he and I any time I posted a picture on Facebook, and everyone's like oh yeah, who would question you're not related? It's pretty obviously. So, that's fun for me because I always felt like I never looked like anyone. So, that's a really super special thing for me.

John (11:56): Yeah. Do you feel that this has brought closure to your quest to know more about who you are, and where you've come from?

Gail (12:07): Yeah, definitely. Definitely. I mean, even to think of all that's happened in the last three years, and in some ways it seems like I've known a lot longer all these questions. I mean, there's just a settledness to me that it just feels like this is how it is now. And other days, I just sit and think wow, never on this Earth did I think I would know names of my parents, much less to know them personally.

John (12:45): Yeah.

Gail (12:45): And just how amazing it is. And yeah, it's just so fantastic.

God's involvement in this feel-good story

John (12:55):
Mm-hmm. Where have you seen God involved in this, Gail, in this search not just for your birth father, but your birth mother? And just kind of filling in some gaps in your personal life story that you always wondered about. Where have you seen God involved in this?

Gail (13:17):
I mean, I just feel like I've seen him every step of the way. How everything happened, I think it started way back when my husband bought me the DNA test years ago. Just to help me know what nationality I am, and do I have any diseases I need to worry about for my kids? And in that, and through that I never even would have thought to buy a DNA test. I didn't even really know it was a thing. And through that to be able to get so many answers, and so much peace. To meet my mom first, who I think I needed to meet her first. I needed to have that resolution. There's something about the birth mom, it's a different expectation, or a different [inaudible 00:14:22].

Growing up looking for mom

Gail (14:22):
I grew up looking for my mom at the mall, that's who I was looking for, I was looking for my mom. So, to find her first and to have that resolution. And then to be able to work through with her finding my dad, and then having this completion. And then with my dad now to have new siblings. My mom was all by herself, so it didn't really bring a lot of family relationships. But then with my dad, now there's all these siblings, and nieces, and nephews, and aunts. And some have reached out to me, I have a sister-in- law and an aunt who has reached out to me. And I'm like wow. Yeah, I mean it's just all of it all I can do is just say, "Thank you God." There's nothing else to say.

John (15:09): Yeah. Yeah. I'm really happy for you that it's come out this way. Where do you see things headed forward now with all of this?

Timing is everything in this feel good story

Gail (15:30):
I see every visit as a gift. Neither my parents nor I are young anymore, so every visit that we can have, every time we talk on the phone is a gift. Just trying to be able to get to know them as much as I can while I have them. And I mean hopefully I have them for the next 20 years, that would be great. But just really recognizing it for the gift that it is, and appreciating that, and appreciating them, and taking advantage of everything I can.

John (16:09):
Yeah. Yeah. One part of your story that really captured my heart was that when you were telling about your adopted dad and what a great guy he was, I know you had a good relationship with your mom, but you were closer with your adopted father. And how when he was diagnosed with ALS, he had asked you about did you want his help in locating your birth parents? And at the time you weren't that interested. But then later you processed it that he knew that his time was short here on Earth, and he didn't want you to feel like you were fatherless. I just thought that was really incredible, and really a gift from God. Yeah.

A second family when the first one passes away

Gail (16:57): Yeah. And in my mind, I just picture him just smiling at this whole situation. Just being so happy that I
have this, because now both he and my mom are gone, and so now I have kind of my second family.

John (17:17): Yeah.

Gail (17:17): And I think that that would bring him great joy.

John (17:23):
Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And I'm really impressed with your birth father too, the fact that he is so happy to reconnect with you. Some would not be. I think I shared a story with my birth father, he wasn't happy, he was just apathetic, he could care less. And the fact that your birth father is wanting to have a relationship with you, because it's part of his past too. And then the acceptance of his wife of you into their life, I think is just really commendable. Really commendable.

"Welcome to the family!"

Gail (18:02):
Yeah, I think the whole thing has played out the best way it possibly could. When I wrote that letter to him, I was ready, I had to mentally prepare myself for anything including rejection. And just to know that okay, well I tried. I had to be ready for that. And when he got tested, and he wanted to confirm through DNA. And when he got the results back and he called me and just said, "Welcome to the family."

John (18:34):
Well, thanks again for your time, and for this wonderful story. I just find it very encouraging, Gail, on several different levels. Just encouraging how you've managed to navigate this relationship with your birth mom, and your birth dad, and some of the dynamics of that with your mother especially. And actually being able to meet with your birth father is just a wonderful story of completion.

Gail (19:03): It is. It is.

John (19:04): Yeah.

Family relationships aren’t always easy

Gail (19:05):  And it's not always easy. There's hard times, and there's hard feelings. And you get more family, you get more problems, right? That's not always problem free, but it's worth it.

John (19:20):
Yeah, very true. Very true. Well again, thanks so much for your time, and for sharing this story with all of our listeners. I got some really good feedback the last three episodes too, and I'm sure I'm going to get the same with this one too.

Gail (19:38):
Wonderful, yeah. My 19-year-old sat down next to me just before Mother's Day, and it was when we were in the process of planning meeting my dad. He sat down, he says, "Dang mom, you collect parents like they're going out of style." I said, "Yeah, well more grandparents for you." He says, "Oh, that's true."

John (19:57): Yeah. Well, that's very true. That's very true.

Gail (20:01): So, I'm done now. I have no more parents to find, so I'm done.

John (20:06): Okay, great. Great. Okay.

It helps to share our story

Gail (20:09): Thanks, John. I appreciate you helping me talk through this too. It's really good for me to be able to get that perspective too. I don't always think that.

John (20:17): Yeah, sometimes it's good to just talk out loud what's going on inside your head. I sure believe that.

Gail (20:23): It's true.

John (20:24): And thank you for sharing all of that. And not just what's going on in your head, but what's going on in your heart, which you've done so well here, so ...

Gail (20:32): Thanks.

John (20:33): Well, you have a great rest of your afternoon, and thanks again. And we will stay in touch.

Gail (20:40): Sounds great; I would love that.

John (20:41): Thank you, Gail, bye now.

Gail (20:43): Bye-bye.

Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode

Sometimes we just need a feel-good story to remind us of the goodness of God. When we see him meet the longing of someone else, we can rest in knowing that He can meet our deepest longings, too.

I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode.

Closing

In closing, I hope this feel-good story makes you, well, feel good. It did for me. I spent years wondering about my birth father, and then months working to track him down. And when I finally met him in person, it didn’t go nearly as well as Gail’s meeting did. That’s a subject for another podcast.

But my experience hasn’t diminished my joy in hearing Gail’s experience one bit. Her joy is infectious, and I loved sharing in it. And I love seeing how God worked in her life. I hope you did, too. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that’s it for today. Please consider telling others about this podcast you think might be interested in today’s topic. Especially parents who have adopted, and also adult adoptees. And anyone else who could use a feel-good story like this one.

And as we talk frequently around here, don’t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I’ll see you next time.

Our website where you can access all past and future episodes

JohnCertalic.com

Related episodes mentioned in today’s show

029: An Adoption Relationship Story- Part 1
030: An Adoption Relationship Story - Part 2
124: Resting In Our Identity Frees Us to Love Well

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enAugust 03, 2022

168: How to Live Well

The other day I Googled the phrase “How to Live Well.” 19.5 trillion entries popped up. Yikes! Apparently a lot of people have something to say on this matter. And I do as well in today’s episode. But it’s going to be different than what my 19.5 trillion colleagues are offering up, I’m sure.

But before we get into all this, welcome to You Were Made for This. If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you’ve come to the right place. Here you’ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for.

I am your host John Certalic. As an award-winning author and relationship coach, I'm here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

New to the podcast?

If you’re new to the podcast, the easiest way to access upcoming episodes is to go to JohnCertalic.com and click on the follow or subscribe button. That’s John with an “H” and Certalic with a “C” at the beginning and the end. Dot com. You’ll then get a brief email each week with a link to the latest episode, together with a description of what it’s about.

Today’s episode, number 168, is about a really important relationship God designed for you and me; namely, a relationship with Him! It’s where we’ll find the greatest amount of joy, for He teaches us how to live well in so many practical ways. For example, he devoted a whole book of the Bible to this subject, drawing from the life of Solomon. the wisest man who ever lived.

I’ll read the first chapter of this book from the Bible, the Book of Proverbs, and then comment from time to time as I read. It’s only 33 verses, so it won’t take long. As I read, notice the contrast between people who are wise, and those who are not, and notice the practical advice Solomon has for how to live well here in the 21st century.

NOTE: The comments I interject in reading of Proverbs 1 appear only in the audio version

The Purpose of Proverbs

1 These are the proverbs of Solomon, David’s son, king of Israel.
2 Their purpose is to teach people wisdom and discipline,  to help them understand the insights of the wise.  3 Their purpose is to teach people to live disciplined and successful lives,  to help them do what is right, just, and fair.  4 These proverbs will give insight to the simple,  knowledge and discernment to the young.
5 Let the wise listen to these proverbs and become even wiser.  Let those with understanding receive guidance , 6 by exploring the meaning in these proverbs and parables,  the words of the wise and their riddles.
7 Fear of the Lord is the foundation of true knowledge,  but fools despise wisdom and discipline.

A Father’s Exhortation: Acquire Wisdom

8 My child, listen when your father corrects you.  Don’t neglect your mother’s instruction.  9 What you learn from them will crown you with grace  and be a chain of honor around your neck.
10 My child, if sinners entice you,  turn your back on them!  11 They may say, “Come and join us.  Let’s hide and kill someone!  Just for fun, let’s ambush the innocent!  12 Let’s swallow them alive, like the grave;  let’s swallow them whole, like those who go down to the pit of death.  13 Think of the great things we’ll get!  We’ll fill our houses with all the stuff we take.  14 Come, throw in your lot with us;  we’ll all share the loot.”
15 My child, don’t go along with them!  Stay far away from their paths.  16 They rush to commit evil deeds.  They hurry to commit murder.  17 If a bird sees a trap being set,  it knows to stay away.  18 But these people set an ambush for themselves;  they are trying to get themselves killed.  19 Such is the fate of all who are greedy for money;  it robs them of life.

Wisdom Shouts in the Streets

20 Wisdom shouts in the streets.  She cries out in the public square.  21 She calls to the crowds along the main street,  to those gathered in front of the city gate:  22 “How long, you simpletons,  will you insist on being simpleminded? How long will you mockers relish your mocking?  How long will you fools hate knowledge?  23 Come and listen to my counsel. I’ll share my heart with you  and make you wise.
24 “I called you so often, but you wouldn’t come.  I reached out to you, but you paid no attention.  25 You ignored my advice  and rejected the correction I offered.  26 So I will laugh when you are in trouble!  I will mock you when disaster overtakes you —  27 when calamity overtakes you like a storm,  when disaster engulfs you like a cyclone,  and anguish and distress overwhelm you.
28 “When they cry for help, I will not answer.  Though they anxiously search for me, they will not find me.  29 For they hated knowledge  and chose not to fear the Lord.  30 They rejected my advice  and paid no attention when I corrected them.  31 Therefore, they must eat the bitter fruit of living their own way,  choking on their own schemes.  32 For simpletons turn away from me—to death.  Fools are destroyed by their own complacency. 33 But all who listen to me will live in peace,  untroubled by fear of harm.”

So what does all this mean for YOU?

If you start going through the 19.5 trillion Google entries for “how to live well” I mentioned at the beginning, I’m sure you’ll find some things that sound attractive. But most of them are about behavior.

Solomon, however, takes it a step further and talks about behavior rooted in our relationship with God and our reverence for Him and all that he stands for. Which raises the question for all of us, namely, how much do my values align with God’s values?

Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode

The answer to “how to live well” is found in growing in wisdom by looking beyond ourselves. It’s to live in reverence to God and embrace what is important to Him, and then live accordingly.

I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode.

Closing

In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to ask yourself how wise are you living? Are you growing wiser as you allow the Spirit of God to teach you how to live well?

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God designed for you. Because as you know by now, You Were Made for This.

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021:The most Important Relationship of All
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enJuly 27, 2022

167: A Path to Meaningful Conversations

I have been thinking about what makes for meaningful conversations with people. This thought was prompted by a quote I saw in a desk calendar my daughter gave me for this year. It’s the quote for May 16th which reads:

“You cannot talk butterfly language with caterpillar people.”

It's the topic of today's episode.

To access future episodes it’s easiest if you go to JohnCertalic.com, and scroll halfway down the page where you enter your name and email address. Then click on the follow or subscribe button. You’ll get a brief email each week from me with a link to the latest episode, together with a description of what it’s about.

A useful metaphor

For today I want to think out loud about this idea of meaningful conversations, and several ways of considering this based on the quote I mentioned in the beginning, “you cannot talk butterfly language with caterpillar people.”

I like this butterfly/caterpillar metaphor for a couple of reasons. One way of looking at it would suggest butterfly people have a language caterpillar people don’t understand because they haven’t quite arrived yet like Butterfly people have. It may not be what the author intended, but it comes off a bit condescending. I’ve been in conversations where the person talking clearly views themself as a butterfly person looking down their nose at the caterpillars in the group. I bet you’ve seen this too. It’s hard to have a meaningful conversation when this is dynamic is present.

On the other hand, there is something beautiful about a butterfly person who remembers what it was like to be a caterpillar with all its limitations, and who has a great appreciation for the metamorphosis he or she has been through.

These are the patient people among us, usually older and wiser. People tolerant and understanding of those in a stage of life where they once were. Meaningful conversations with butterfly people like this are often filled with grace and wisdom. They understand caterpillar people haven’t yet been through what they’ve been through. They don’t have the words, the language, to process what Butterfly people have come to experience.

An obstacle to meaningful conversations

Another example of an obstacle to a meaningful conversation is when parents try to reason their young children into obedience using butterfly language. When they explain the logic and motives behind their well-meaning directives. It usually doesn’t work, because young kids are caterpillars and they don’t understand butterfly language.

Instead, parents need to speak caterpillar language to kids that goes something like this, “you need to obey what I’m telling you because you need to obey. That’s your job right now, simply to obey, regardless of what you want to do. When you get older and are able to understand, I’ll explain why I’m telling you to obey. But for now, you don’t need to know why, you just need to obey.”

This issue of teaching children to obey is an important one that we’ll talk about in a future episode.

The "curse of knowledge" hinders communication

Another reason it’s hard to have meaningful conversations sometimes is because of the curse of knowledge. It’s the concept that you know something so well, so intimately, that it’s difficult to imagine what it was like to NOT KNOW what you know. And because you can’t imagine what it’s like to not know something, you have difficulty in passing on your knowledge to someone who doesn’t have it. You try, but it’s hard because you forgot what it’s like to be on the other side of the knowledge.

Computer people are like this. They have the curse of knowledge because they assume you know what they know, or at least have a piece of rudimentary knowledge of technical stuff. They talk in butterfly language, but you only speak caterpillar. So there’s a disconnect and a barrier to a meaningful conversation when it comes to fixing a computer problem.

On an interpersonal level, relationships can be difficult when people speak different emotional languages. Janet and I have a friend who grew up in a dysfunctional family, where everything revolved around pleasing Mom. Keeping Mom happy was the mission of her husband and each of the 3 kids. And Mom let everyone know when she wasn’t happy and who in the family failed in their role of keeping her happy. Guilt and shame were dished out as regularly as a weekly allowance.

A friend who learned butterfly language

As an adult, our friend went for counseling to deal with this emotional baggage, and over time grew healthy because she learned a butterfly language that helped her process her experience in healthy ways. She even learned how to speak her mother’s caterpillar language which on occasion even led to meaningful conversations.

Sadly, her siblings didn’t do the same. As adults, they continue trying to please Mom. But it’s never enough. It never is with people who live to be served, rather than to serve. Unlike our friend who went for counseling to learn a new language, her siblings moved to other parts of the country so as to have as little contact with Mom as possible. They continue to speak caterpillar to this day.

Let’s go back to parenting for a moment. Parents sometimes suffer from the curse of knowledge. We can’t remember what it was like to be a kid. To be afraid as a child. To be rejected by one’s friends. Or to be frustrated with not knowing how to do something your peers do with ease.

This curse of knowledge can get in the way of meaningful conversations between parents and their children.

So what does all this mean for YOU?

If you’re a butterfly person in your relationships, it would really help if you thought back to what it was like when you were a caterpillar. Back then, you didn’t know what you didn’t know.

The same is true for the caterpillar people in your life right now. They don’t know what they don’t know, either. So cut them some slack, give them a break. They probably won’t respond as well to you TELLING them how fulfilling it is to be a butterfly in your relationships. Show them instead. In relationships, caterpillar people crawl. Show them as a butterfly person they can fly!

And if you’re a caterpillar right now, watch the butterfly people around you. Do what they do to have meaningful conversations. Don’t stay stuck in your relationships. Break out of your cocoon. You were made for something more. Don’t settle for crawling when you could be flying.

Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode

A path to meaningful conversations between people starts with working to understand others and their frame of reference, even when it’s very different from your own. To learn to speak the language of another is work, but it’s worth it.

Closing

In closing, I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated to work toward being a butterfly person with compassion for the caterpillars in your life.

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God intends for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Another episode you may want to listen to

139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?

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enJuly 20, 2022

166: How to Spread a Little Relational Sunshine

For some time now I’ve been ending each episode by encouraging you to spread a little relational sunshine with the people you meet. Today’s episode gives you some examples of what this looks like. It will give you some ideas you can try out on your own.

She got me when she called me “sweetheart”

I’ll begin with a story of relational sunshine that happened to me recently at the drive-through window of Wendy’s. Not exactly a place I can say I’ve ever experienced the warm rays of relational sunshine before. It’s usually been more a place of darkened skies with heavy fog rolling in. But this day was different.

When I got to the window and paid my bill a middle-aged woman with black horned-rim glasses leaned out the window a bit, handed me my food, and said with a really big smile, “Here you go sweetheart. Now you go have a great rest of your day.”

She got me the moment she called me “sweetheart.” I’m a sucker for any matronly middle-aged woman who calls me that. Those brief words of hers, together with her toothy smile were the relational sunshine that brightened my otherwise cloudy afternoon.

Smile more

A few days after this, I had a conversation with my granddaughter who turned 17 recently. She works part-time at Target and when I asked her how it was going she said, “My boss said he is happy with my work, but that I need to smile more with customers.”

“It sounds like you have a good boss,” I said.

Have you ever noticed how many teenagers work at Target? One of our grandsons also works there. I was thinking about this one day and how all these young faces unknowingly spread a little relational sunshine my way - even when they’re not smiling.

They don’t have tattoos, nose rings, or purple hair, at least I haven’t noticed anyone like this so far. It’s not that I have anything against anyone who fits this profile. In fact, in episode 129 I talk about someone in her mid-20s who looks like this and how I apologized for scaring her. I described the scene as follows:

She was wearing torn blue jean shorts, tattoos up and down both arms, a bare midriff with a ring in her navel, and another one in her nose. Her partially pink hair was in a bun on top of her head.

I felt like I needed to represent old men who look down their noses at tattooed young women with rings in their noses. I didn’t want her to think badly of us.

If you’re interested in how I unintentionally scared the girl, go to johncertalic.com/129

They’ll be in charge some day

Anyway, back to the teenagers who work at Target. There’s an innocence about them that reminds me of my own part-time job from another century when I was in high school. It’s where I found hope that my future was going to be better than my past. When I see those youthful faces stocking shelves and checking customers out at the cash register at Target it gives me a different kind of hope that somehow down the road we’re all going to be okay because these kids will be in charge.

I’m reminded they could all be at the beach right now, or in their bedrooms playing video games. But instead, they are giving up those pleasures to earn money that will help them take control of their lives.

Relational sunshine at night

More relational sunshine shone down on me at a recent baseball game I attended with my family. Like all major league baseball stadiums, ours here in Milwaukee requires fans to go through security before entering the ballpark. On this particular game night after I made it through to the other side, one of the security people said in the most sincerest of tones, and with a big smile on his face, “Enjoy the game!”

He was an older man, probably retired, working a part-time job to pick up a few extra bucks. His countenance and persona in wishing me an enjoyable evening cast a few rays of relational sunshine my way. They left me smiling, too. I could tell he was sincere and enjoyed greeting people and wishing them well.

These three examples of others spreading a little relational sunshine got me thinking about how I operate. I’m not an extrovert and usually don’t talk to people I don’t know. Unless they offer me candy, or a look at a cute little puppy in the back seat of their car. But in reflecting upon these stories I’ve recounted for you, and how complete strangers brightened my day, it made me think maybe I could do the same for someone else.

I can do this, too

My chance to do so happened one evening at the drive-through window of yet another fast-food place, Culver’s, a nationwide hamburger and custard restaurant based in Wisconsin. It has a special place in my heart as two of our grandsons got their first part-time jobs here. The food isn’t half-bad, and like Target, they hire clean-cut wholesome-looking kids - and grandma types. One of the things I appreciate about this chain is that they also hire young people with developmental disabilities, like those with Down’s syndrome.

Anyway, one evening I was in the drive-through line at Culver’s and when I reached the cashier’s window the teenage boy manning the window said “…your total is $19.39.” He paused briefly, then said, “That was a long time ago.”

Admiring his sense of humor in juxtaposing the numbers of a cash transaction with a period of history, I responded with “Yeah, it was even before I was born.”

Then, as I gave the boy a twenty-dollar bill for my order I asked, “Do you know what famous event occurred in 1939?”

“I have no idea,” he said.

“On September 1, 1939, Nazi Germany marched into Poland, officially beginning World War II,” I replied.

The boy smiled for the first time and chuckled as he gave me my change, and said, “Oh, I should have known that. I really like history.”

We smiled at each other and then I drove off. By acknowledging his sense of humor and playing along with him, I realized I had spread a little relational sunshine in his life. And I had fun doing so. It sent a few of those relational sunshine rays back to me.

So what does all this mean for YOU?

I have a hunch there’s more relational sunshine out there for all of us, if we just look for it, mostly in unexpected places. Lately for me, it’s been at the window of the drive-through lane at fast-food restaurants. How about for you? I wonder what unexpected places in your life could be a source of relational sunshine for you.

I also have this thought: you could be more than just a recipient of relational sunshine. You could be a source of it in unexpected ways, as I was with something as simple as bantering with a teenager at Culver’s. With something as simple as smiling as someone. I know you can do this, and hope you give it a try. Intentionally smile at someone and see what happens. It might even land you a part-time job at Target.

Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode

It seems that relational sunshine often starts with a smile. The simple act of smiling seems to penetrate the relational ozone separating us from each other. By spreading around a little relational sunshine we spark joy in others, and in ourselves as well.

Closing

In closing, I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode.

And I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, enough to put into practice what you’ve heard today.

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God intends for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that’s it for today. Please consider telling others about this podcast if you think it would be interesting and helpful to them. And of course, don’t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around with the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I’ll see you again next time.

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129 Thankful We Don't Always Have to Be Right
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enJuly 13, 2022

165: Nosey People Weaken Relationships; Curious People Strengthen Them

When it comes to relationships, there’s a difference between nosey people and those who are genuinely curious about others. Avoid the former and learn how to become the latter. It’s what today’s episode is all about.

The best Father's Day gift for 2022

A few weeks ago in the episode about The Best Father’s Day gift for 2022, I mentioned that this best gift is to ask your father questions about his life. And if you have a son who’s a father, ask him questions about his life. It’s one of the best gifts you can give anyone. Because we don’t know people nearly as well as we think we do. If you missed that show you can find it at john certalic.com/162.

I’ve given lots of talks in workshops on how asking people questions can deepen relationships. But there’s always an issue that someone in the audience invariably brings up. I’m going to deal with this issue in today’s show.

And if you hang around to the end I’ll also give you a useful tip on how to answer an awkward question that comes out of nowhere that puts you ill at ease. But before we get into all this here’s Carol:

Hey, thank you, Carol. And hello everyone! I’m glad you’ve joined us today for episode 165, “Nosey People Weaken Relationships; Curious People Strengthen Them.“ If you’re new to the podcast and like what you hear, I encourage you to follow the show by going to my website, JohnCertalic.com, and then click on the “follow” or “subscribe” button.

Why don’t we ask meaningful questions of each other?

I’ve mentioned in a number of episodes before the powerful impact asking questions of each other has in drawing people closer together. There’s also a downside to question asking, which I’ve also discussed, but we won’t get into that today.

Instead, I am going to talk about an objection I often hear about asking questions of people. I first talked about it in episode 63.

We’re reluctant to ask meaningful questions of each other, for fear of being perceived as “nosey.” I find this reason for our lack of curiosity to be most interesting to me. As I mentioned before, in workshops I give on this subject, invariably someone will ask something along the lines of: “But if I ask questions of people close to me, won’t they think I’m just being nosey? I was always taught ‘If someone wants you to know something about them, they will tell you.’”

A culture of secrets

This is one of those “exception” questions that often come up in workshops. It’s usually from someone in the crowd who disagrees with what the presenter is saying, or who wants to hijack the direction the speaker is taking with his or her own agenda. Or it’s someone who just loves to hear himself talk.

The “I have always believed if people wanted you to know they’d tell you” comment reveals a person who often comes from a background or culture of secrets. They hold things close to the vest. Their theme song is we need to be private, and we mustn’t invade the privacy of others. You find this dynamic in people who grew up in families where there was addiction, sexual abuse, or other dysfunctions.

All of this raises the question of what’s the difference between nosey people and those genuinely curious about others? I posted this question on Facebook a few years ago and here are a few answers I received:

Listener responses

Rita. Curious people genuinely empathize with others and what they learn about them. They delight in, rejoice over, wonder further, grieve with...in order to grow deeper in a relationship. Nosiness satisfies a fleshly yearning to know more, not to know better.

Joan. I think nosey people ask questions about situations or things that have happened, like in the neighborhood or even in family situations that they need to know so they can then pass it on and gossip. I think a genuinely curious person wants to know about you, your feelings, and situations that are true to the core of your being. They want to make sure you are ok and demonstrate care and concern out of love. A curious person will share of themselves and maybe share a situation that they themselves have experienced. Curious is more heart-centered, nosey is more informational.

Rob. I cannot add much to the above. I always referred to myself as being nosey when I asked people questions. Recently I was corrected by someone who told me I was curious and should use that word. I think that is true because I do not just want information but want to know something about that person. People are interesting and we do like to talk about ourselves. At least I do!

Other reasons we may not ask meaningful questions of others

There is an element of culture and personality to this issue, too. Some cultures around the world are very private, and there are others where personal privacy is non-existent. Personality is part of it too. I’ve found that the more extroverted among us don’t even think about what questions to ask others. While the introverted, think of questions but are too shy to ask them. It's hard for them to be nosey.

Here are a few more of my thoughts on the differences between nosey and curious:

Am I being nosey or curious?

Nosey people don’t enrich your life. Curious people do.
Nosey is the cousin of gossip. They are close relatives.
Nosey people ask so they can evaluate others and compare. Curious people ask to understand.
Curiosity requires something of us. Nosiness doesn’t.
Being nosey separates us. Curiosity brings us together.
Nosey people assume there is a deeper relationship than actually exists
Nosey people often use information they gain from you against you. Curious people use information they get from you for you.
Finally, I’ve come to the conclusion that our fear of being nosey in our relationships is usually just a cop-out. Just an excuse to get us off the hook from failing to honor people by wanting to understand what life is like for them.

Here are 6 benefits of being curious enough to ask people questions about themselves

It gets us out of our self-focused life to see the wonder of what God has created in the life of another. It draws us closer to God as we better understand our brothers and sisters created in his image. For when we see how much God loves someone else, warts and all, it makes us appreciate God all the more.
Asking questions of others opens doors for deeper connections with them.
It’s a great remedy for depression and loneliness.
When we understand people better because of how they answer our questions, it causes us to be grateful for what we have, that others do not.
Being curious enough to ask people questions draws out the experience and wisdom from the quiet introverts among us.
We can learn from other people’s mistakes when we understand them better.

So what does all this mean for YOU?

Two things.

Question your questions. Are you asking them to better understand people and deepen your relationship with them? Or are you asking questions just to be nosey?

Secondly, don’t let your fear of being nosey hold you back from asking a meaningful question of a friend. Become more curious about the important people in your life. It will draw you closer to them.

Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode

Being nosey weakens a relationship, being curious strengthens it.

For added measure, I’ll throw in this related quote from Ruth Haley Barton

Sometimes the questions we ask are more important than the answers we think we know.

Final takeaway: How to answer a question that catches you off guard

Have you ever been caught off guard by a question someone asks you? A question that surprises you, puts you on the defensive, or in some way is inappropriate? Here’s an effective way you can respond.

Simply ask the questioner, “Why do you ask?” It will take the spot light off you and shine it back on the other person. It will buy you time in trying to figure out where the conversation is going so you can decide if you want to go there.

Answer a question with a question. Jesus did it all the time.

Closing

In closing, I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode.

And I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, enough to ask meaningful questions of people you want to understand better.

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God intends for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Related episodes you may want to listen to

063: Six Reasons Why We’re not More Curious About People, and What We’re Missing as a Result

139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This

enJuly 06, 2022

lifegivingrelationships

164: Little Things That Matter in Relationships

One thing that deepens relationships is doing the little things that matter. You see it in people who observe, reflect, and then act. Listen in to today’s episode for an example.

John Gottman writes in The Relationship Cure that based on his research Successful marriages are characterized by a series of little positive interchanges over time. In a nutshell, it’s the little things that matter most in a marriage.

The same can be said of interpersonal relationships between friends and acquaintances. I saw this played out recently in an interaction between my wife Janet and one of her friends.

Recovering from knee surgery

My wife Janet had knee replacement surgery about 6 weeks ago. We talked about the details of the operation, as we knew them, with one of our friends, Linda (not her real name).

I’ve mentioned her before in this podcast. We’ve been friends with her for several decades, with more contact with each other in recent years.

Because another of Linda's friends went through it too, she was familiar with the recovery that’s involved.

Several weeks after the surgery Linda sent Janet a card and asked how she was doing. She said she’d like to stop over and visit when Janet was up to it.

After a few more weeks of recovery, when Janet was over the very worst of the pain, Linda came over for dinner and the three of us had a pleasant evening. We got caught up on each other’s lives, with Linda sharing about her adult daughter’s bout with cancer. More on that later.

We sat outside on our patio for one of the first times this year. Very calm & restful evening. Being with Linda got Janet’s mind off her knee pain for a few hours that night.

Janet talked about how her knee surgery brought on a mysterious new craving for cookies. She told me they had medicinal properties that sped up healing. So as Janet’s medical director I dispensed them occasionally as needed.

Linda told Janet about the new upscale cookie store in town, Crumbl. Janet started salivating.

Cookies and listening to Marcel Marceau’s CD of classic love songs are the two things that soothe Janet’s spirits the most.

A surprise visit

The next day I’m working in my home office when around noon, our doorbell rings. Here it is Linda, delivering two small boxes from Crumbl, each with one of their gourmet, upscale cookies inside. One for Janet and one for me. I have a photo of it in the show notes.

From what I understand these cookies are pretty pricey. Loan officers set up in the store taking financing applications to buy these cookies.

I invited Linda in but she had her dog in the car, and said couldn’t stay. So I took one of the cookies to Janet, and she was over-the-moon delighted.

In this very kind gesture by Linda, I saw an example of two principles of deepening relationships at work. The First is the ORA principle I’ve talked about before in this podcast. Linda

Observed Janet’s condition

Reflected upon the pain Janet was experiencing, then Remembered what made it better for her - a cookie.

Acted. She came back the next day with a cookie for Janet from Crumbl

ORA.

Unconsciously skilled in relationships

The other relationship principle I saw in place is the relational skill level of Linda. I talked about the 4 levels of relational skills back in episodes 11 through 14. I’ll have links to them in the show notes.

Unconsciously unskilled
Consciously unskilled
Consciously skilled
Unconsciously skilled

Linda is certainly at the 4th level, the highest level, unconsciously skilled. It’s just part of her character. She brought the cookie for Janet without giving it a lot of thought, I’m sure. Because that’s who Linda is. It’s her character.

Another thing I noticed, she didn’t ask Janet, “Is there anything I can do to help?” No, she just took an educated guess and did something based on what she observed and reflected upon, which prompted her to act.

Linda’s caring in context

Linda’s daughter has incurable colon cancer, and she’s living with her and her family to help out. I talked about this in episode 148.

She’s watching her daughter go through the pain of chemotherapy, and witnessing her frail 40-something daughter struggle to make it through the day. Yet Linda still extended herself to Janet with her Crumbl cookie delivery. It made her caring gesture all the more meaningful given how her daughter’s journey with cancer is uppermost in her mind.

As for me, I certainly enjoyed the cookie. But more than that I enjoyed watching Linda care for Janet in ways so meaningful for her, and yet what appeared so naturally. It was a true reflection of the character of God.

It was a reminder that I can be more like Linda myself, not just with Janet, but with other people. I need to pay attention to the little things that matter in relationships important to me. And so do you. For we all need each other. We can’t go it alone.

So what does all this mean for YOU?

You can become unconsciously skilled in relationships like Linda is. It just takes practice. So here’s what I would like you to try:

Think about one important relationship in your life right now. Then ask yourself what might be little things that matter in that relationship you could attend to. See if you can step it up a notch, pay more attention to those little things, and see how it goes for you.

Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode

Paying attention to the little things that matter the most in a relationship will strengthen that relationship. We discover what those little things are when we observe - reflect - then act.

I’d love to hear how this works out for you, so please let me know.

Closing

In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, enough to put into practice what you’ve just heard. To think about just one person in your life and your best guess as to what are the little things that matter most to them. And then do that little thing for them.

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God intends for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that’s it for today. Please consider telling others about this podcast if you think it would be interesting and helpful to them. That would be one little thing that could matter to someone. And don’t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around this week. Spark some joy in the people you run into. And I’ll see you next time.

Related episodes you may want to listen to

011: Relationship Skills - Level 1
012: Relationship Skills - Level 2
013: Relationship Skills - Level 3
014: Relationship Skills - Level 4
148: What Not to Say When Bad Things Happen to Good People

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enJune 29, 2022

163: What You and I Need Most

Three events in today’s news from around the world remind me of what you and I need most in the troubled times in which we live. It’s the subject of today’s show where I talk about a relationship thread that connects all three of these stories:

The horrific murder of 19 fourth graders in Uvalde, Texas
Celebration of Queen Elizabeth’s Platinum Jubilee in England
Anniversary of the D-Day invasion of Normandy, France 78 years ago

Keep listening because you’ll hear where to find what you and I need most in today’s world. What’s true here in June 2022 as I record this will be true in 2052 and every year following. It’s part of the human condition.

The Uvalde, Texas shooting

I’ll start with an article Peggy Noonan wrote in the Wall Street Journal shortly after the shooting in Uvalde, Texas. It’s a blistering piece of fire-breathing anger at the police on the scene who stood around for 45 minutes outside the school while the killer inside gunned down children in their classroom. The failure of the police to storm the building to take out the murderer is contemptible, says Noonan. Young children were calling 911 from their cell phones while the police did nothing. They called for help but none came.

One of the things I appreciate about Peggy Noonan is her ability to look at events in their larger context and to find meaning in them that goes beyond the immediate. She ends her article with the following:

“I close with a thought tugging around in my brain. I think I am seeing a broad and general decline in professionalism in America, a deterioration of our pride in concepts like rigor and excellence. Jan. 6 comes and law enforcement agencies are weak and unprepared and the U.S. Capital falls to a small army of mooks [stupid or incompetent person]. Afghanistan and the departure that was really a collapse, all traceable to the incompetence of diplomatic and military leadership. It’s like everyone’s forgotten the mission.

“I’m not saying, ‘Oh, America was once so wonderful and now it’s not.’ I’m saying we are losing old habits of discipline and pride in expertise - of peerlessness. There was a kind of American gleam. If the world called on us - in business, the arts, the military, diplomacy, science - they knew they were going to get help. The grown-ups had arrived with their deep competence.

The larger meaning found in the Texas tragedy

“America now feels more like the people who took the Expedited Three Month Training Course and got the security badge and went to work and formed an affinity group to advocate for change. A people who love to talk, endlessly, about sensitivity, yet aren’t sensitive enough to save children bleeding out on the other side of the door.

“I fear that as people we’re becoming not only increasingly unimpressive but increasingly unlovable.

“My God, I’ve never seen a country so in need of a hero.”

- Peggy Noonan, June 4, 2022, Wall Street Journal, page A15

Let that last line sink in for a minute, My God, I’ve never seen a country so in need of a hero. It’s Noonan’s take on what you and I need most right now. I’m going to come back to this in a little bit.

The second event - Queen Elizabeth’s Platinum Jubilee

In contrast to the implications of the murders in Texas, we had the Platinum Jubilee celebration in England for Queen Elizabeth II. It was to honor her for the 70 years she’s been the queen, and for becoming the longest-ruling monarch in British - and European - history.

Is there anyone who doesn’t like Queen Elizabeth? I saw a few TV clips of the Jubilee event and all the commentators talked about the hundreds of thousands of Brits who turned out for this 4-day celebration to cheer on the queen. In watching this, I couldn’t help but think of Peggy Noonan’s quote about America, “I’ve never seen a country so in need of a hero.”

Could it be that Queen Elizabeth is the hero England needs? She doesn’t have any political power. She can't set polices for the country. Yet she he is so dearly loved .

Why? My sense is that she is stability personified in the otherwise unstable world we live in. She is a continuation of the monarchy that’s been part of British history for over a thousand years.

The Queen's appeal

Her appeal is even more winsome when you consider the dysfunction of the Royal Family. There’s Prince Charles and his messy divorce with the oh-so-popular Princess Diana and his related affair with Camila. There’s the scandal with the queen’s other son, Prince Andrew. And of course, the current mess with Harry and Megan throwing the Royal Family under the bus. Yet Queen Elizabeth stays out of the public fray of it all. You’ve got to admire a queen like this. The family she presides over isn’t all that different than some of our own families.

Is someone like Queen Elizabeth what you and I need most right now? Before I answer, there’s one more worldwide event to consider. One that connects with the Peggy Noonan article about the shooting in Uvalde, Texas, and Queen Elizabeth’s Platinum Jubilee.

78th Anniversary of D-Day

This month, here in 2022, marks the 78th anniversary of D-Day, the invasion of Normandy, which marked the beginning of the end of World War II. This year’s anniversary had a different twist to it that I had not seen or heard of before.

Several years ago, in rare bi-partisan support, Congress approved an addition to the WWII memorial in Washington, D.C. Construction will begin next month, in July 2022, on the D-Day Prayer Project.

On June 6, 1944, at At 9:57 pm, President Franklin Roosevelt addressed the nation on radio, announcing the D-Day invasion that began earlier that day. He encouraged everyone to join him in prayer about the invasion. It will be added to the WWII memorial.

It’s not too long, so I will read it to you. It was what the world needed most on June 6, 1944. And it is certainly what you and I need most now. As I read the prayer, look past the specifics of that war-time need, and instead think about the appeal to a person outside of ourselves to meet our needs when things are looking terrible. That’s the point. Here’s the prayer:

FDR's prayer

My fellow Americans: Last night, when I spoke with you about the fall of Rome, I knew at that moment that troops of the United States and our allies were crossing the Channel in another and greater operation. It has come to pass with success thus far. And so, in this poignant hour, I ask you to join with me in prayer:

Almighty God: Our sons, pride of our Nation, this day have set upon a mighty endeavor, a struggle to preserve our Republic, our religion, and our civilization, and to set free a suffering humanity.

Lead them straight and true; give strength to their arms, stoutness to their hearts, steadfastness in their faith. They will need Thy blessings. Their road will be long and hard. For the enemy is strong. He may hurl back our forces. Success may not come with rushing speed, but we shall return again and again; and we know that by Thy grace, and by the righteousness of our cause, our sons will triumph.

They will be sore tried, by night and by day, without rest-until the victory is won. The darkness will be rent by noise and flame. Men's souls will be shaken with the violences of war.

For these men are lately drawn from the ways of peace. They fight not for the lust of conquest. They fight to end conquest. They fight to liberate. They fight to let justice arise, and tolerance and good will among all Thy people. They yearn but for the end of battle, for their return to the haven of home.

Some will never return. Embrace these, Father, and receive them, Thy heroic servants, into Thy kingdom.

Pray for ourselves

And for us at home - fathers, mothers, children, wives, sisters, and brothers of brave men overseas - whose thoughts and prayers are ever with them - help us, Almighty God, to rededicate ourselves in renewed faith in Thee in this hour of great sacrifice.

Many people have urged that I call the Nation into a single day of special prayer. But because the road is long and the desire is great, I ask that our people devote themselves in a continuance of prayer. As we rise to each new day, and again when each day is spent, let words of prayer be on our lips, invoking Thy help to our efforts.

Give us strength, too - strength in our daily tasks, to redouble the contributions we make in the physical and the material support of our armed forces.

And let our hearts be stout, to wait out the long travail, to bear sorrows that may come, to impart our courage unto our sons wheresoever they may be.

Give us faith

And, O Lord, give us Faith. Give us Faith in Thee; faith in our sons; faith in each other; and faith in our united crusade. Let not the keenness of our spirit ever be dulled. Let not the impacts of temporary events, of temporal matters of but fleeting moment let not these deter us in our unconquerable purpose.

With Thy blessing, we shall prevail over the unholy forces of our enemy. Help us to conquer the apostles of greed and racial arrogancies. Lead us to the saving of our country, and with our sister Nations into a world unity that will spell a sure peace a peace invulnerable to the schemings of unworthy men. And a peace that will let all of men live in freedom, reaping the just rewards of their honest toil.

Thy will be done, Almighty God.

Amen.

What you and I need Most

Let’s return now to the three events I mentioned in the beginning and consider the theme they all touch on.

The elementary school killing of 19 young children in Uvalde, Texas
Queen Elizabeth and her Platinum Jubilee celebration in England
Anniversary of the D-Day invasion of Normandy, France

The thread that ties these events together is the need for someone or something outside of ourselves to get us out of a mess, to give us a sense of stability that things are going to be okay, no matter what. Like the trapped 4th graders in that Uvalde Texas classroom, we all need someone to rescue us. In our case, to rescue us from ourselves.

We need stability in our lives. We need someone like Queen Elizabeth who has been giving 70 years of her life to serving her subjects, with no intention of stopping. Someone so deeply committed to us. Someone beyond ourselves.

We need God like the allied forces needed on D-Day. Like FDR who called upon us to pray to defeat that which seeks to destroy us.

So what does all this mean for YOU?

It is easier to understand how we need to be saved from forces outside of ourselves like evil people. It’s harder to understand how at times we need to be saved from ourselves. What we need most, in either case, is Jesus.

In the Gospel of John, chapter 6, some of the disciples of Jesus begin to desert him. It prompts Jesus to say to his 12 apostles, “Are you going to leave, too?” Peter replies and says in effect, Where else would we go? You are the only one who gives life.”

Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode

We all need to be rescued from something. Often it’s to be rescued from ourselves. So the rescue must come from someone outside of us. Thankfully, what we need most is right in front of us. Just look and you’ll find Jesus there. Ready to rescue.

As always, I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode.

Closing

In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, enough to call upon him to calm your heart in light of the troubled times in which we live. To ask him to save you from your fears, idiosyncrasies, and dysfunctions whatever they may be. And to replace them with the peace only he can provide.

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of your relationship with God. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that’s it for today. Please tell others about this podcast if you think it would be interesting and helpful to them. And don’t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I’ll see you again next time.

Related episodes you may want to listen to

021: The Most Important Relationship of All

139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?

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enJune 22, 2022

162: The Best Father’s Day Gift For 2022

The best Father’s Day gift for 2022 won’t cost you any money. It’s a great gift for the man who has everything. Listen in to learn what it is.

A Father’s Day setback

I don’t know about you, but I sure appreciate Carol’s cheery introduction every week. Especially on days like today when I’m feeling a bit ornery. I’ve been like this for a couple of days ever since I got an email about Father’s Day, which here in the US will be upon us in just four days. I had been looking forward to talking about the best Father’s Day gift for 2022, but this email I got pushed me back a little.

Here I was excited about sharing this Father’s Day gift idea because it solves the problem of what to get Dad when he already has everything. I’ll get into that, but first I have to get this troublesome email off my chest first.

A disturbing email

Not too long ago I signed up for a free account with Canva, an Australian-based software company that helps people design social media graphics, presentations, posters, documents, etc. It’s kind of like Graphic Design for Dummies. It has lots of templates, and I used one for a gift certificate a while back. If you’re interested in this for yourself, you can go to canva.com.

I get occasional emails from them, one of which arrived on On May 22nd, about a month before Father’s Day. The subject line read,

“Would you rather opt out of Father’s Day emails?”

It went on to say

Father’s Day is coming up and we know it can be a difficult day for many. That’s why we want to offer the option to opt out of Father’s Day emails from us.

And then it gave directions on how to opt out.

Troublesome Assumptions

Father’s Day is difficult for Many? Really? For a few, I’m sure. For some, you bet. But Many? And how could the mention of Father’s Day be troubling? A loving father who’s died and is dearly missed, perhaps? But I don’t get that sense at all. I could be all wrong about this, but I find in this email an underlying and troublesome assumption.

Sure, I can understand Father’s day triggering memories of abuse by one’s father, but are we that weak that we need to censure emails to protect us from bad memories? I don’t think so.

The email assumes many of us are victims, which I find distasteful. A bad dad may be part of our story, but it doesn’t have to be an active part. No matter how rotten a father we had, we can celebrate all the far more numerous good fathers that other people have been blessed with. Father’s Day isn’t just about us.

I find the email patronizing and condescending. It’s subtle, but it seems like fathers have become yet another group maligned in today’s cancel culture.

I don’t recall getting a similar email from Canva in the days leading up to Mother’s day last month.

It's hard being a man in these times. For a more balanced view of good men who become fathers, listen to episode 135, “Christmas With a Good Man Brings Joy.” It’s about Joseph, the early father of Jesus. It’s one of my favorites. I’ll have a link to it at the bottom of the show notes, along with other related episodes mentioned here.

2nd runner up to the best Father’s Day gift of 2022

Before I reveal the best Father’s Day gift of the year, here are the runners-up.

In third place: Marcel Marceau sings ….. Classic Rock Songs From the ‘90s. Carol, my boss, and executive producer is a big Marcel Marceau fan. For Christmas one year she gave me Marcel Marceau Sings Famous Broadway Show Tunes. The CD she gave me must have been scratched because it was hard to hear.

For music-loving fathers, Classic Rock Songs From the 90s by Marcel Marceau would be a good choice.

1st runner up to the Best Father’s Day gift of 2022

The second-best Father’s Day gift for 2022 and first runner-up is actually a real gift most dads would love. It’s a wallet from Pro Style Sports made of the same leather as used in making baseballs. I’ve had one for 4 years. It’s the best wallet I’ve ever had.

I just bought another one in case they stop making this model. Genuine baseball leather. So many compliments when I take it to pay a bill. The smell. Well-made. Cleans easily. The patina over time is authentic.

You can buy it on Amazon by clicking on this link: https://amzn.to/3twCsrl.

It will generate a small commission for the sponsor of this podcast, Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry.

If you already bought him a gift, buy him this wallet for Christmas.

The winner: Best Father’s Day Gift for 2022

Ask your father questions about his life.

Talk to your dad, tell him you want to learn more of his story. Come up with a few questions ahead of time based on the initial question of “What might it be like to be my father?’

If your father is deceased or estranged from you. Talk to another father, learn his story. If your son is now a father, take off your “That’s my boy” sunglasses, and look at him as a father.

If you’re new to the podcast, you’ll find a more detailed explanation of how to ask questions in episodes 64 and 65.

It will honor your father, It could draw him closer to you.

I wished I would have asked my father more questions. I think I was afraid of him. Tennis. The War. Growing up without a father. Ice skating - who taught him all that stuff. His half-sister, my Aunt Jo, etc.

He’s gone now and my questions remain unanswered.

Inquiry into your father’s life will not only honor him, but it will give you a greater understanding of your dad. Even if he was the bad father my disturbing email was suggesting. Understanding the story of your bad father will help you forgive, if there’s something needing forgiveness.

This Best Father’s Day gift of 2022 won’t cost you any money, but it will cost you some time, and perhaps a bit of your heart.

And it's a gift you can give your dad year-round. Even for Christmas

So what does all this mean for YOU?

The best gift we can give anyone is to be curious about their story. Everyone has one, you know. When we inquire about a person’s life for the purpose of understanding them better we honor them. It will bring out the best in you. It will bring out the best in them.

Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode

The best Father’s Day gift in 2022 is to be curious about your Dad by asking him questions about his life. Listening to his story honors him, and it will help deepen your relationship with him.

I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode.

Closing

In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, enough to put into practice what you’ve just heard. Exercise your curiosity muscles by getting to know your father better. I can assure you, you don’t know him as well as you think you do. But it’s not too late to start now.

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God intends for you. Because as you know, You Were Made for This.

Resources mentioned in this episode

Wallet gift for Father's Day: https://amzn.to/3twCsrl.

Related episodes you may want to listen to:

135: Christmas With A Good Man Brings Joy

064: Start With This Important Question to Ask

065: End With Asking This Important Question

139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We are supported by the generosity of people like you to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

You Were Made for This

enJune 15, 2022

161: We Are Made For Relationships

God is a relational being who created us in His image. It is why we are made for relationships. They are what give our life joy and meaning. Listen in to learn how.

I’m a big fan of Ken Burns and the documentaries he produces. His most recent one, which aired on PBS, was about the life of Benjamin Franklin. This founding father of the United States is remembered for a number of things. He helped write the Declaration of Independence and is credited with inventing the Franklin stove, bifocal eyeglasses, and the rocking chair.

When I saw the Ken Burns documentary, it reminded me of an episode I did several years ago, episode 32, that among other things talked about what Ben Franklin did to deal with the loneliness he was experiencing in his 20s. It fascinated me because loneliness is certainly a relationship concern here in the 21st century.

Franklin’s solution to his loneliness was part of a larger discussion in that episode about what our purpose is here on earth. What are we made for? I suggested and still believe strongly, that we are made for relationships.

Because this is such an important topic I thought it would be helpful to rewind parts of that earlier episode for today’s show. We’ll start by looking at the biblical basis for the importance of relationships.

Why relationships are important

In the 1st chapter of the 1st book of the Bible, Genesis, we learn that all of mankind is made in the image of God.
We also learn that God is a relational God, with the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit of the Trinity interacting with each other.
So since we are created in the image of God, and since God is relational, we are to be relational as well. As people of faith, we are to reflect God’s image in all our relationships. We were made for this.
In living as an image-bearer of God we can make a contribution and difference in the world through our relationships. We were made for this.
It gives glory to God as we imitate this relational quality of his, especially when we do it well. We were made for this.
When Jesus was asked by the religious leaders of the day what the greatest commandment was, what was the most important thing anyone could do, he responded with “You must love the LORD your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: Love your neighbor as yourself.” He said everything we are to do in life is summed up in these two commandments. That is what we are made for. We are made for relationships (Matthew 22:36-39).

Relationships are what our podcast is all about

If you’ve been around here for a while and ever wondered about our podcast name, You Were Made for This, I hope by you realize that Relationships are the THIS we are made for. We were all made for relationships.

This podcast is designed to equip people to make their relationships the best they can possibly be. The 31 episodes from season one were created to give people tools and ways of thinking they can use to enhance their relationships because on so many levels, it’s our relationships that give our life meaning and purpose.

So for today let’s consider relationships in terms of the THIS we were made for. We’ll use T.H.I.S as an acronym to describe four important qualities that will transform our relationships into the best they can be. I’ll be making some comments and observations about each of them.

T.H.I.S

T - Transcendence

To be transcendent in our relationships means to exceed our natural inclination as a human being to be self-centered, where our inherent goal is to do whatever we have to do to meet our needs and desires. To be transcendent is to move past our focus on self, to focus on others instead. It’s to go beyond “conforming to the pattern of this world” that the Apostle Paul talks about in Romans 12: 2.
When we see our life as a relational one, it acknowledges our need for something outside of ourselves. It’s to admit vulnerability, which can be scary for some. It’s to admit we have needs we cannot meet ourselves.
Maintaining good relationships is a means of worship for any person of faith. Romans 12 tells us we are to present our entire personhood to God as an act of worship. And this includes our relationships.
Three relationships are discussed in the 17 verses of this chapter. Our relationship with God. Our relationship with ourselves. And our relationship with each other; with other people.
We can influence the world and make it a better place through our relationships. People are watching. We model for them what good relationships look like and the rewards that come with relating well.
To transform relationship requires change on our part. We cannot change others, but we can change ourselves. Don’t expect any transformation my reacting. Expect Transformations when WE change.

H - Honor

One of the most relational verses of the Bible is found in the Apostle Paul’s letter to the Romans, chapter 12, verse 10: “Take delight in honoring each other.” (NLT) Notice the “delight!”
We honor someone when we listen to them, which is sorely lacking in today’s culture
We honor people when we try to bring out the best in them. For when we bring out the best in others we bring out the best in ourselves. It’s one way we experience joyful, life-giving relationships.
We honor our relationship with another person when we humbly acknowledge our weaknesses and relational skills, and work to hone those skills for the sake of the relationship.
We honor the difficult relationships in our lives when we allow people to experience the consequences of their choices, even when we see how those choices are so harmful to the person making them.

I - Initiate

Because of the fall, relationships are not as life-giving as they could be. But these relationships can be transformed.
Relationships by and large are transformed when we take action, when we take initiative, rather than waiting for someone to initiate with us
We were made to take the initiative in our relationships, regardless of how other parties in that relationship may or may not respond.
Cal Newport, in his latest book, Digital Minimalism, tells an interesting story about taking initiative in relationships. You’ll find a link to the book at the end of the show notes. Apparently relationships were important to one of the founding fathers of the United States, Benjamin Franklin. In 1727 he returned from London, to live in his newly adopted home of Philadelphia. He was from Boston and had no social connections in the City of Brotherly Love. Only 21 at the time, Franklin soon discovered he wasn’t feeling the love in Philadelphia.
But rather than waiting for relationships to come to him, he created his own network of relationships he called the Junto Social Club. It had 12 members, from various walks of life, who met every Friday evening for 38 years to discuss the social issues of the day.

Franklin acts

What is important in this story is that Franklin initiated. He stepped out. What if all lonely people did this? What if we all initiated like this?

There are elements of our culture, however, that run counter to the notion of taking initiative in relationships. One of them is the online world of digital technology.

In Digital Minimalism, Newport quotes MIT professor Shirley Turkle who makes the distinction between connection (online interactions) and conversation (real-world encounters between human beings).

"Face-to-face conversation is the most human-and humanizing-thing we do. Fully present to one another, we learn to listen. It’s where we develop the capacity for empathy. It’s where we experience the joy of being heard, of being understood.”

Newport and Turtle argue that it is only analog interactions that move the needle in relationship development. “Digital interactions miss the nuances of face-to-face interactions or voice-to-voice communication Absent are the tone of voice, facial expressions. Conversation is what counts.” page 154

S - Self-less Service

[re: Junto society of Benjamin Franklin’s] Franklin structured their meetings around 24 questions. Here are 3 of them:

13. Do you know of any deserving young beginner lately set up, whom it lies in the power of the Junto any way to encourage?

14. Is there any man whose friendship you want, and which the Junto, or any of them, can procure for you?

21. Have you any weighty affair in hand, in which you think the advice of the Junto may be of service?

Noticed how other-centered and service-oriented these questions are.

Franklin’s initiative in starting the Junto Club also comes out of his self-awareness of his need for relationships.

Results a listener could expect if they implemented my solution

Imagine what our life would be like a year from now if we implemented the T.H.I.S principles (transcendence, honoring others, taking the initiative, and self-less service)? Imagine the fulfillment you would find in your transformed relationships.

Also, imagine if we did nothing. If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always gotten.

If we were to engage in our relationships in terms of these 4 qualities, (transcendence, honoring others, taking the initiative, and selfless service). The more we exhibit these qualities in our relationships, the more life-giving and fulfilling they will be.

Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode

You were made for T.H.I.S. - Relationships that: transcend our natural inclination to focus on self, that honor others as we strive to bring out the best in people, where we initiate by reaching out beyond ourselves, and where we selflessly serve other people.

So what does all this mean for YOU?

I hope by now you appreciate the importance of relationships. And if that’s the case for you, shouldn’t we then make every effort to make them the best they can be?

I suggest starting with looking at the transcendent quality of just one of your relationships. How can you relate more in a way that bears the image of God well? What are some ways you can relate that give people a picture of part of the character of God?

You can do this. I know you can.

Closing

In closing, I hope you’re convinced by now that we are made for relationships. The T.H.I.S. model we talked about back several years ago in episode 32 is still true today. It’s a useful tool for helping us find more joy in our relationships as we reflect the character of God.

Well, that’s it for today. Please consider telling others about this podcast if you think it would be interesting and helpful to them. And don’t forget to create a little joy for the people you meet this week. Spread around some relational sunshine. And I’ll see you again next time.

Resources related to this episode

139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?

Digital Minimalism - Choosing a Focused Life in a Noisy World, by Cal Newport

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This

enJune 08, 2022

lifegivingrelationships

160: Remember the People Who Made Our Life Better

When we remember the people who made our life better it reminds us of the goodness of God who blessed us with these relationships. It’s a way to celebrate Memorial Day in addition to what we traditionally do. Listen in to learn how.

For those of you who have been listeners to this podcast for the last year or so you’ve heard me talk about an easy-to-understand method of enhancing our relationships. It’s called the ORA model. Observe - Reflect - Act.

I’ll have links to a few past episodes if you want to understand ORA in more detail. It’s easy to understand, but challenging to put into practice. That’s where listening to this podcast over time will help.

The “R” component of ORA - Reflect has a key component within it that also starts with “R.” It’s Remember. An especially timely relationship skill to consider today in light of the holiday we celebrate in the United States the last Monday in May. Memorial Day. Keep listening to learn more about how the act of remembering can enrich your life.

A different kind of Memorial Day

I first talked about our American Memorial Day holiday back in episode 28. And I’ll be borrowing from it quite heavily in this episode.

In the US, this national holiday began after our Civil War in the 1860s when it was called “Decoration Day.” The name comes from the early tradition of decorating graves with flowers, wreaths, and flags.

We now call it Memorial Day. A day to remember those who have died in service to their country. It’s an important day here in the US, and it happened just a few days ago on May 29 here in 2022.

The last I checked, we have listeners to this podcast in 73 countries, and I know many of them to have similar holidays to honor those who have fallen in service to their country in war. When we remember the people who made our lives better by fighting to protect us, it gives us a greater appreciation of the freedoms we have.

All this got me thinking that I wonder if we could ever have a worldwide Memorial Day to remember the people who made our life better in other ways. In ways more personal to us. Here’s an example of how someone made my life better that I talked about back in episode 28. It’s a story about my friend, Ken.

A friend from Brazil uses my snowblower

Story of my missionary friend, Ken
(If you haven't listened to the podcast, I'm sorry but there 's no transcript available for this 4-minute story.)

My missionary friend Ken made my life better in more ways than just blowing the 6 inches of snow off my driveway. He showed me that to be a helpful caring person you don’t need to ask, “How can I help you?” Just do something you think would be helpful. If Ken had actually asked me, “John, how can I help you?” I don’t think it would have occurred to me to answer with “come over and clear our driveway of snow.” He made my life better by being an example - a role model - of how to care for people. He showed me I could be the same kind of person to others. It’s not rocket science.

More than this, Ken made my life better by giving me a picture of who Jesus is. Blowing the snow off my driveway is something Jesus would have done. He washed the feet of the twelve apostles at the last supper. He would have cleared my driveway of snow, too.

I bet you can remember people in your life who have made it better. I’ll give you some examples that I will also have listed in the show notes.

Remember the people in your life who…

gave you money when you really needed it
took the blame for something you did, either as a child or an adult
believed in you when others didn’t, or when you didn’t believe in yourself
loved you even when you were unlovable
taught you how to read. Imagine life today if you didn’t know how to read
let you off the hook for something you did
forgave you
gave you a job when others would not hire you
was silent when they had every right to chew you out for something you did
was a role model for you
told you tough things you needed to hear
took your side, when everyone else was against you
listened to you
set their needs aside to meet your needs
loved you unconditionally
let you win an argument, even though they were right and you were wrong
Brought out the best in you
chose not to believe the gossip they heard about you
asked for your help
gave you hope when you had none yourself
invited you to dream
wanted to hear about your kids and grandkids
rejoiced with you in the things you were rejoicing about
mourned with you when you were mourning
let you talk on and on, without ever shifting the spotlight of the conversation onto them
sat in the crowded back seat of the car so you could sit upfront

Well, that’s my list of people to remember. I can think of someone in each of these categories. How about you? I’d like to hear from you about any I’ve missed that have made a positive difference in your life.

So what does all this mean for YOU?

It is so easy to forget the people who have made our life better.

It takes practice to remember them and there’s no better time to practice than this time around Memorial Day when we remember those who have made a positive impact on our life.

In taking time to pause and remember the blessings of our relationships, we acknowledge God’s love for us by sending just the right people, at just the right time, to do just the right thing that we needed.

Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode

Remembering the people who made our life better causes us to reflect upon the goodness of God who blessed us with these relationships. It reminds us we can make life better for someone else - even in very small ways - just as others have done for us.

I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode.

Closing

In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, enough to reflect upon the people who made a positive impact on your life.

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God intends for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that’s it for today. Please consider telling others about this podcast if you think it would be interesting and helpful to them. And don’t forget to spark a little joy for the people you meet this week. Spread some relational sunshine around. And I’ll see you next time.

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139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?
002: The Gift of a Background Relationship

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You Were Made for This

enJune 01, 2022

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You Were Made for This

Episodes (218)

179: Listen to the Whispers

Welcome to You Were Made for This

A volunteer opportunity

It got noisy

God whispers

Whispers can get our attention

So what does all this mean for YOU?

Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode

Closing

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178: Good Relationships in Action

Welcome to You Were Made for This

Observing a good relationship in action

Relational Sunshine at a tennis tournament

Missed opportunities to nurture good relationships

Tell people how they impacted you makes for good relationships

Good relationships can be nurtured by applying what we read in books

So what does all this mean for YOU?

Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode

Closing

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Last Week's Episode

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177: How to Relate With High-Maintenance People

Welcome to You Were Made for This

That troublesome email

The problem with labels

Source of the problem in relating to high-maintenance people

Observe

Reflect

Act

Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode

Closing

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176: The Joy of Relationships by Watching Others

Welcome to You Were Made for This

Someone with a need

One joy of relationships is feeling free to ask for help

The joy of relationships in blessing someone

The joy of relationships in watching others

So what does all this mean for YOU?

Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode

Closing

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175: Reflecting On Stories From Our Past Can Grow Us

Welcome to You Were Made for This

Every September

Pain that doesn’t go away

Another September tragedy

My family reacts to the tragic news

This story from my past grew me

Understanding may not come for many years

So what does all this mean for YOU?

Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode

Closing

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174: Labor Day - A Time to Reflect

Welcome to You Were Made for This

The blandest of holidays - Labor Day

Principles of relationships at work

There’s value in every work experience

So what does all this mean for YOU?

Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode

Closing

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173: Celebrate National Relationship Transitions Day

Welcome to You Were Made for This