summary

Happy March, everyone! For our Patreon bonus, we thought we'd try something new: The Reading Corner! Jackie and Rachel have a friendly chit chat about whatever books we're currently reading. Maybe it will become a recurring feature? It all depends on what you like, and what Jackie likes. It doesn't matter at all what Rachel likes. 

For the full episode and all our other bonuses, go to patreon.com/firethecanon and join the fam! 

The patrons battled it out in honor of the upcoming Ides of March, and in the struggle between The Art of War and The Prince, let's just say The Art of War got Caesar'd. It's like getting Punk'd, but instead of meeting Ashton Kutcher you die and get a salad named after you. Win/win? Buckle up as the gang guides you through the world's second most practical guide on waging war and maintaining power.

Rachel says "here's the problem" roughly 80 times. Bekah really wants somebody to be gay. Jackie gets hundreds of sonnets written for her by Mr. Peanut. 

Topics include: the woman who rotates sandwiches, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, state cryptids, explanations of Ohio and Germany, terrible audiobook narrators who barely get any votes, a truly toxic doctor, female women, Borgias and Medicis, rice and horses, fear and love, Inigo Montoya, the monstrosity that is a medieval cat, Alexander the Great, a horrifying Kermit, lions and foxes and wolves oh my, and the return of everyone's favorite, Scipio Africanus.

In preparation for our upcoming Charlie and the Chocolate Factory miniseries, we got the gang together to learn about the absolutely absurd life of Roald Dahl.  Best-known for his children’s books, Dahl also wrote some very weird, pervy adult stories. Before he became a writer, he worked for an oil company in Africa (yes…… we know.), flew warplanes in World War 2, and committed extensive espionage. Curious about the kind of mind that could produce the BFG, Matilda, and James and the Giant Peach? You’ve come to the right place!

Content warnings: sexual assault, child abuse, racism, antisemitism, sexism, etc. We really talk about it all!

Don’t say we never put our stellar reputations on the line for you! Joining us this week is our friend Jacob Waller (find him on YouTube as Big Yellow Praxis), who has recently fallen down the rabbit hole of a (potentially correct???) anti-Stratfordian theory (notably NOT a conspiracy theory). Jacob lays out the case for, conservatively, a HUGE AMOUNT of Shakespeare’s work being borrowed from or straight up written by his contemporary, Sir Thomas North. Many thanks to Dennis McCarthy for his years of research, which is primarily what this episode is drawn from! Please check out his book, 'Thomas North: The Original Author of Shakespeare's Plays', and visit his website, www.sirthomasnorth.com, for a closer look.

This week, we're sharing part 2 of Jackie and Bekah reading one-star reviews of their favorite books to each other. Jackie comes at Bekah with the harshest criticisms of Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice available on Goodreads. To hear the full episode, join our Patreon! Patreon.com/firethecanon.

Guest: Abby Girand | Professional Ceramicist, Co-Host of the Box Office Books podcast (& my sister)

Instagram: @abbygirand | @boxofficebooks
Etsy shop: Arand Haus

Music © by Capazunda.

Instagram: @brutallyhonestbooks
TikTok: @brutallyhonestbooks

This week, we're joined by a very special guest: Nikita! Jackie handpicked her to co-host this episode because Nikita is funny, despite not being a man. We read and discussed the fourth of Charles Dickens' five Christmas Books so you don't have to, and you can go ahead and thank us for that. Rachel's mom tells her she doesn't deserve any presents. Jackie discovers God is real. Nikita informs her husband that under no circumstances is he to continue living after her death. 

Topics include: La Femme Nikita, Lucy Liu/Maggie Q, Santa Claus stories, leprechaun disappointment, the worst poop of all time, Da Bean Zone, wifi stories, breakup pet plans, stinkbugs, true sisterly love, interchangeable women, a literal boatload of money, Death Note, the most perfect creature who ever breathed (according to Dickens), arms that don't belong to you, the hot hot elf from The Santa Claus, a gummy mistake, Shake Shack, a 23-year old's eyeballs, and absolutely no ghosts whatsoever. 

0:00:00 - 0:28:28 : stories of parental deception re: Santa 
0:28:29 - 1:00:45 : story summary
1:00:46 - 1:19:13 : story discussion/analysis/thoughts
1:19:21 - end : author drama! romance tropes! and a truly deranged story about finding god in an airport with a little help from drugs.

In the spirit of the holidays, which some call the holiday spirit, this week we're re-releasing an old favorite from 2021: Agatha Christie's "Hercule Poirot's Christmas". Rejoin the original gang for a hilarious journey through a Christmas mystery (Christery). If you're anything like Jackie, the mystery will seem as fresh and new as it did two years ago, because you'll totally have forgotten what even happened and who did it. But oh, is it satisfying.

We'll have a fresh-baked holiday episode brand new for you next week, when we discuss the fourth of Charles Dickens' Christmas stories. In the meantime, kick back and enjoy a tale from olden times. And if you're really feeling nostalgic, give a listen to our follow-up episode to this one: "A Christery Chat with John Allison", which was equally delightful. 

PARTY PLEASER:

thereformedgamers.com

Logan Sharp of The Reformed Gamers Podcast joins Melvin in summarizing the biggest horror hit of the year, Five Nights at Freddy's! Despite failing to reach critics, Five Nights at Freddy's has decimated various box-office records, and the two talk about the video game franchise, it's oddly melancholic tone, and the extreme charisma of the Core Four themselves.

Topics:

• (FREE PATREON EXCLUSIVE) 38-minutes talking to Logan Sharp from The Reformed Gamers about their podcast, their YouTube, and playing 5 rounds of "2 Truths, 1 Lie: The Christian Video Game Edition" where-in Melvin names and describes three games to see if Logan can spot the lie! And yes, you'll wish some of these games were fake! (FREE PATREON EXCLUSIVE)
• Logan gives us an update on The Reformed Gamers and how things have changed since he was last on!
• Melvin & Logan get into their history with the FNAF games and what it is about them that makes them so gripping.
• Melvin points out the use of an often-annoying and routinely distracting sound effect used during the beginning of the movie... because that's the sort of thing he does.
• Mike as a depression-coded character is far more expressive in his dream-state than his awake-state, further asserting his unwieldy and unrealistic determination to find his brother.
• For a series of games built around the unique stress of resource management, it's surprising that the movie seldom uses dramatic irony to increase tension almost ever.
• Discussing the bite of 2000.
• The FNAF games share lore through dream-like cutscenes. It only made sense that dreams would be utilized as a story mechanic in the film.
• Fort-building: Slay or Nay?
• Oddly enough, the dialogue in the third-act is noticeably worse than previous scenes. It's... weird.

Recommendations:

• The Reformed Gamers (Podcast)
• RoboCop (1987) (Movie)
• Devour (2021) (Video Game)

--> Popcorn Theology's "Five Nights at Freddy's" Episode (w/ Melvin!) <--

Support on Patreon for Unique Perks!

• Early access to uncut episodes
• Vote on a movie/show we review
• One-time reward of two Cinematic Doctrine Stickers & Pins

Social Links:

• Threads
• Website
• Instagram
• Facebook Group

Ahoy!  Welcome back to the podcast.  In this episode, we cover chapters 71-101 of Moby Dick, and we come away with less whale knowledge than we started. Ishmael and Queequeg are wedded (again), a whale gets killed, ominous doings are done, etc., etc.

Jackie is wrongfully accused of a crime, and rightfully admits to a crime.  Rachel is wrongfully accused of being a frequent flier.  Bekah took out people’s teeth with no pain meds. Jacob would like you to know that that is NOT him, it is a British robot, and he loves his baby.

Topics include: Double Portland, an Aladdin situation, the prostaglandins, babysitting adventures, Flula Borg, yacht-tipping orcas, sensual squeezing, and the functional mushrooms/coffee dichotomy.

PATREON PARTY PLEASER:

This movie was selected by our Patreon Supporters over at the Cinematic Doctrine Patreon. Support as little as $3 a month and have your voice heard!

Shirleon joins Melvin in summarizing the late-90s Kenan & Kel hit, Good Burger! From it's absurd burger-flippin' hijinks to Ed's silly antics, the two discuss the positives from the 90s aesthetic, the loss of entertainment complexes, and borger!

Topics: 

• (PATREON EXCLUSIVE) 37-minutes discussing what goes into professionally archiving material, why it's important, how it's influential, and how the loss of various Quibi media is ultimately a very sad thing. (PATREON EXCLUSIVE)
• Good Burger starts with a lot of chaotic silliness. Even so, Shirleon realized there wasn't a whole lot about the film she remembered.
• Ed can be frustrating and annoying to some, but Melvin and Shirleon feel he balances well into the "lovable doofus" category.
• Melvin talks about how he misses multi-entertainment complexes that serve food, games, arcades, etc.. Good Burger made him nostalgia for that kind of thing again.
• Figuring out, based upon what we hear and see from the movie, makes up Ed's "Special Sauce".
• Celebrating dance numbers in movies that otherwise seem like they would not have dance numbers.

Recommendations:

• Loki (2021-2023) (TV-Series)
• Malum (2023) (Movie)

Support on Patreon for Unique Perks!

• Early access to uncut episodes
• Vote on a movie/show we review
• One-time reward of two Cinematic Doctrine Stickers & Pins

Social Links:

• Threads
• Website
• Instagram
• Facebook Group

Dylan Charles from fellow Polymedia podcast We Got Goosebumps joins Trav and Kevin (and Uncle Doug) as they hop through the plot of the 2015 Goosebumps movie starring Jack Black as RL Stine!

Find more podcasts on the Polymedia Network, Travis on Twitter, Kevin on Twitter, Music by Harvest Blaque

Join our Subreddit reddit.com/r/polymedia/

Come check out the Big Lick Conspiracy!