211: Powerful Healing Habits After Heartbreak - w/ Martha Higareda

Key takeaway from this podcast episode with Marta Higuera is that it's never too early to prepare for having a family, even if you haven't met your partner yet. Marta shares her personal experiences and insights on how to deal with fear and frustration in this area of life, as well as how to heal from past toxic or narcissistic relationships. She emphasizes the importance of self-work and healing your inner child. Marta's wisdom and experiences are evident in her articulate and inspiring words, and her advice can help improve confidence and provide hope for those struggling to heal. Don't miss out on the exclusive member Q&A session at join lovelife.com for more valuable insights from Marta. Check out her podcast Infinitos, her new movie "Queens on the Run" on Netflix, and her YouTube and Instagram for more information.

Kindness, empathy, and positivity are essential traits that can be developed over time, even if they weren't always present in our earlier years. The speaker, an impressive individual, shared how she went from being an introverted child to an extroverted adult, driven by her innate care and love for people. She attributed her natural connection with others to her family upbringing and traditional education. However, life events and relationships can knock our confidence and make us question our worth. The speaker opened up about her own experiences of heartbreak and toxic relationships, emphasizing the importance of healing and self-care. She encouraged seeking support and understanding that we are not alone in our struggles. Through introspection, self-love, and personal growth, we can emerge from difficult experiences stronger and more resilient.

Our past experiences and unhealed wounds can influence our ability to attract healthy relationships. The speaker shared how she had a pattern of being drawn to partners who needed fixing, likely due to the influence of romantic stories that teach women to change men. However, this approach places one's value on another person, leading to a lack of attraction to those who have already done their own healing work. The speaker's own growth involved recognizing and addressing her own wounds, particularly her self-love, in order to form healthy relationships.

Our past experiences and relationships, especially those with our parents, can shape our perception of love and attraction. Our moms and dads, despite their imperfections, love us deeply and want the best for us. However, if we haven't healed from past wounds, we may be attracted to people who trigger intense emotions, rather than those who are truly compatible with us. This can lead us to repeat unhealthy patterns in our relationships. For example, being told "I love you" on the second date or constant checking-in can be disguised forms of control. It's essential to recognize these red flags and learn to trust our instincts to attract and maintain healthy, fulfilling relationships.

Understanding and addressing the root causes of our attractions is crucial for making healthier relationship choices. The speaker shares her personal experience of being attracted to individuals who were not good for her, despite knowing they were not good for her. She uses the analogy of eating mango with chile, despite the negative consequences, to illustrate this phenomenon. According to the speaker, her attraction to these individuals was due to her role as a helper and soother in her family, which carried over into her romantic relationships. This pattern is known as trauma bonding, where individuals are attracted to individuals who need a lot of help and soothing, leading to an unhealthy dynamic. The speaker emphasizes that true spiritual attraction, which she now finds sexier, is different from trauma bonding and comes from a place of mutual respect, growth, and connection.

Healing the inner child is crucial for attracting healthy relationships. This involves examining past experiences of love and identifying inner child wounds, such as abandonment. These wounds can lead us to attract or create unhealthy relationships based on familiar patterns. For instance, if a parent was emotionally unavailable, we may end up dating partners who live far away or are unavailable emotionally. The key is to recognize these patterns and work on healing the inner child through self-reflection and therapy if necessary. By doing so, we can attract and maintain relationships based on wholeness and mutual respect.

Our past experiences, particularly those involving rejection or betrayal, can significantly impact our adult relationships. These wounds, whether from family dynamics or other formative experiences, can manifest in patterns of behavior in our romantic lives. For some, this may result in a fear of rejection and a need for control. For others, it could mean attracting partners who are unavailable or unreliable, subconsciously seeking out the pain of betrayal. The first step in healing these wounds is recognizing the patterns and understanding their roots. This can involve writing letters to your younger self, expressing the feelings and hurt that were never acknowledged at the time. Take your time with this process, as it can take several weeks to fully explore and release these emotions. By acknowledging and addressing these past wounds, we can create healthier, more fulfilling relationships in the present.

Recognizing yourself as a person deserving of care and taking on the responsibility of caring for yourself are crucial steps towards healing from past traumas. This process involves acknowledging the imperfections of those who raised us, showing compassion to our inner child, and understanding that no one else can fully take care of us but ourselves. It's essential to see ourselves as individuals in a world of seven billion others and accept the power we have to positively impact our own lives. By elevating our parents or caregivers to either angelic or demonic status, we can unintentionally create unrealistic expectations or hindrances in our relationships. Instead, focusing on our own healing journey and self-care can lead to personal growth and improved relationships.

It's essential to recognize the humanity of our parents and the complexities of their experiences. We should avoid idealizing them to unrealistic standards or demonizing them for their flaws. Instead, we should strive for empathy and compassion, understanding that everyone does their best with the tools they have. Depersonalization is a crucial step towards healing and taking care of ourselves, which may involve redefining self-love as a responsibility rather than a superficial act. When triggered, it's essential to recognize the emotions as a part of us, rather than a reflection of our partners. Practical steps include seeking therapy, practicing self-care, and focusing on personal growth.

Our past experiences and self-perception play a significant role in how we react to situations in our current relationships. If we feel unseen or unvalued in past relationships or experiences, we may unconsciously react explosively or coldly when we feel our partner is not paying enough attention to us. Instead of expecting our partners to read our minds, we should communicate consciously and take responsibility for getting our needs met. By doing so, we can avoid misunderstandings and uncomfortable situations. It's essential to remember that we have the power to take care of ourselves and be present in the moment, rather than being held back by past stories and expectations.

It's essential to take responsibility for yourself and your needs in a relationship, while also paying attention to your intuition. Don't let fear or insecurity cloud your judgment. If your partner's actions don't align with their words, it may be time to reassess the relationship. Latin American women have a saying: "He didn't give me my place. I took it." This means taking ownership of yourself and introducing yourself to others when necessary. Remember, intuition is a valuable tool, but it's essential to distinguish it from anxiety. When considering accountability, intuition, and self-ownership, pay attention to actions, not just words. If actions don't match, it's essential to take care of yourself and consider whether the relationship is healthy. By focusing on actions and taking responsibility for your own happiness, you'll be able to make informed decisions about your relationships.

Approaching conversations and relationships with a mindset of curiosity and openness, rather than need or expectation, can lead to better outcomes. When we focus on getting to know the person for who they are, without trying to change or fix them, we can learn valuable information and potentially find progress or improvement. This approach requires self-reflection and understanding our own desires and values, so we can attract compatible partners. By approaching relationships as an opportunity to learn and grow, rather than a means to an end, we become more open and magnetic to new connections. This mindset shift can be challenging to achieve, but it can lead to more authentic and fulfilling relationships. It's important to remember that everyone is an incredible human being, and we don't need anyone to be anything in particular to make us happy or complete. Instead, we should be excited to get to know them for who they are.

Even when we have many things going on in our lives that we love, the desire for romantic love and the potential for a family can be strong. When we meet someone who shows potential, it's natural to get excited. However, it's important to maintain a calm energy and not let the stakes feel too high. One woman shares her experience of going through a divorce and feeling the pressure to find a partner and start a family. She made the decision to freeze her eggs, which initially brought sadness but eventually shifted into a sense of empowerment. By focusing on finding a life partner rather than just the father of her children, she was able to approach relationships with a long-term perspective and not let the pressure of a ticking clock dictate her choices. Overall, it's important to prioritize finding a meaningful, loving relationship while also taking care of ourselves and our own needs.

It's important to distinguish between our desires and needs when it comes to relationships and starting a family. The speaker in this conversation shares her personal experience of wanting a life partner rather than just a father for her children, and how she found peace by decoupling these two aspects. It's also essential to be open to the reality of the possibilities in front of us and not be overly attached to specific outcomes or expectations. Life is unpredictable, and by embracing this, we can find happiness in various ways and create more options for ourselves. Additionally, focusing on self-blame and shame when faced with unexpected challenges in relationships only adds to our unhappiness. Instead, recognizing that life is full of uncertainties and learning to navigate them together with our partners can lead to growth and adventure.

Self-blame and disappointment can turn simple disappointments in life into personal hells. It's important to remember that life is full of disappointments, but adding self-blame to the mix only makes things worse. Instead, focusing on personal growth and self-care can help turn things around. Marta, a guest on the podcast, shared her experiences and resources for those looking to improve their mindset and take care of themselves. She mentioned her Instagram account, her podcast Infinitos, and her upcoming comedy film "Queen's on the Run," which will be available on Netflix on April 14th. Marta emphasized the importance of taking responsibility for one's own happiness and encouraged listeners to check out her resources for guidance and inspiration. She also answered additional questions during a longer session available exclusively to members of the Love Life Club. If you're struggling with past mistakes or feeling stuck in the past, Marta's advice and resources may be helpful. Consider joining the Love Life Club for a 14-day free trial to access the extended session with Marta and other valuable content.