Podcast Summary
Expert's personal struggles with happiness: Experts, including Dr. Laurie Santos, face their own challenges in maintaining happiness and will share their personal experiences and strategies for overcoming them in the new season of The Happiness Lab.
Even happiness experts like Dr. Laurie Santos, the host of The Happiness Lab podcast, struggle with their own well-being and face challenges in practicing what they preach. Despite her expertise in positive psychology, she deals with self-imposed pressure, perfectionism, and harsh self-criticism. Her longtime friend and podcast partner, Ryan Dilly, often witnesses her emotional slumps and struggles. In the new season of The Happiness Lab, Dr. Santos plans to share her personal experiences and explore strategies for overcoming these challenges, including dealing with stress, boredom, and fear of failure. This approach aims to help listeners relate to her experiences and learn practical ways to improve their own happiness.
Perfectionism's Complexity: Perfectionism is more than high self-standards, it's also about imposing standards on others and seeking validation, leading to fear, anxiety, shame, and embarrassment when not met, rooted in fear of judgment, and a misguided coping strategy
Perfectionism, as many of us experience it, is not a simple trait, but rather a complex phenomenon with different dimensions. Perfectionism is not just about high self-standards, but also about imposing those standards on others and seeking validation from them. This constant fear of not meeting others' expectations can lead to intense anxiety, shame, and embarrassment when we fall short. The root cause of this behavior is fear – fear of being judged and found wanting. Despite the misery it brings, many perfectionists see it as a necessary strategy to cope with the world. It's crucial to understand that this belief is misguided and that perfectionism, in its insidious forms, is the real source of distress.
Perfectionism and Social Media: Social media's influence has led to a significant increase in perfectionism among young people, causing anxiety, self-criticism, and even panic attacks
Perfectionism, particularly the social element of it, has significantly increased among young people since the 1980s. This trend is linked to the influence of social media, where individuals are bombarded with images of perfection and internalize these unrealistic expectations. The pressure to be perfect from the outside world can lead to profound struggles, including anxiety, self-criticism, and even panic attacks. This issue has become increasingly prevalent and has sparked significant interest in understanding its causes and effects. As a society, we need to start addressing this issue by learning from recovering perfectionists and finding ways to release the self-imposed weights of perfectionism. The story of Jordana, who turned to perfectionism as a way to cope with family issues, illustrates how this pressure can lead to a facade of success while hiding inner turmoil.
Perfectionism and Mental Health: Perfectionism, when driven by self-worth tied to achievements, can lead to intense loneliness, anxiety, and a never-ending cycle of self-criticism, ultimately harming mental health and happiness.
Excessive perfectionism and a relentless pursuit of success, driven by self-worth tied to achievements, can lead to intense loneliness, anxiety, and a never-ending cycle of self-criticism. Jordana's story illustrates how her high standards, while initially rewarded, eventually harmed her mental health and happiness. She became increasingly isolated, judging others and believing she was superior due to her work ethic. Despite her successes, she couldn't celebrate or find satisfaction, as the bar for success kept rising. This constant self-criticism, mistakenly believed to be helpful, ultimately left her miserable and unable to enjoy life.
Perfectionism consequences: Perfectionism can lead to serious health and relationship issues, but focusing on values and social connections can help improve the situation. Letting go of perfectionism is a daily commitment.
Striving for perfectionism at the expense of one's health and relationships can lead to serious consequences. Jordana's story illustrates how working long hours, neglecting social connections, and holding oneself to unattainable standards can result in both physical and mental health issues. However, discovering positive psychology and focusing on work that aligns with values and social connections were steps towards improvement. Yet, Jordana's journey did not end there. She continued to grapple with perfectionism and learned to actively resist its hold on her life. This ongoing process is a reminder that letting go of perfectionism is not a one-time event, but a daily commitment.
Self-compassion practice: Recognize inner critic, respond with compassion, imagine a compassionate figure or voice, and remember self-worth is not tied to perfection.
Practicing self-compassion starts with recognizing and identifying the negative self-talk or inner critic. This can be achieved through keeping a thought journal, visualizing the inner critic as a character, or imagining a compassionate voice or figure. By separating ourselves from these negative thoughts and responding with compassion, we can begin to push back and rebut the harsh self-criticism. It's important to remember that this process can be challenging, especially for those deeply entrenched in perfectionism, but with time and practice, it becomes easier to replace criticism with self-compassion. Additionally, it may be helpful to imagine a version of ourselves that is free from the need to constantly perform at the highest level and deserving of love and kindness, even in the face of mistakes. Ultimately, self-compassion is about treating ourselves with the same kindness, understanding, and support that we would offer to a good friend.
Costs of Perfectionism: Examining the motivations behind our actions and evaluating the social opportunity cost of our yeses can help us prioritize our time and energy to improve overall happiness.
Practicing new ways of thinking and setting healthier boundaries are essential steps in overcoming perfectionism. By reflecting on the costs of constantly saying "yes" and examining the motivations behind our actions, we can learn to prioritize our time and energy to improve our overall happiness. Jordana, a recovering perfectionist, shares her experience of using a time-out strategy to evaluate each request and consider the social opportunity cost of her yeses. This practice has helped her to focus on projects that bring her joy and fulfillment, rather than succumbing to the pressure of her inner goblin voices. While perfectionism recovery is an ongoing process, adopting these strategies can make a significant difference in living a more joyful life. Remember, change takes time, but with compassionate and deliberate steps, we can all move in the right direction.
Embracing Boredom: Embracing boredom can boost productivity, improve focus, and reduce stress. Try mindfulness meditation, creative activities, or connecting with others during empty moments.
Embracing boredom can have numerous benefits for our mental and emotional wellbeing. Contrary to popular belief, feeling bored isn't a sign of laziness or inefficiency. Instead, it can be an opportunity for creativity, relaxation, and even happiness. According to Dr. Laurie Santos, a Yale University professor and host of The Happiness Lab podcast, feeling bored can help us recharge, boost our productivity, and improve our focus. However, many of us, including myself, struggle to embrace boredom due to our constant need for stimulation. In situations where we have to wait, such as in a line, we may feel restless and frustrated. We might turn to distractions like our phones or television to fill the void. But, as Dr. Santos suggests, we could try to enjoy the empty moments in a healthier way. For instance, we could practice mindfulness meditation, engage in a creative activity, or use the time to connect with others. By learning to appreciate the present moment, even when it's seemingly boring, we can train our brains to be more resilient and better equipped to handle stress and anxiety. So, next time you find yourself feeling bored, try to embrace it as an opportunity for growth rather than a sign of failure. Remember, even the most productive and successful people need to rest and recharge. And who knows, you might discover a new hobby or passion in the process.