I Want Better Sex in Our Marriage

Podcast Summary

• Transitioning from 'shoulds' to 'wants' in relationships: Recognize mistakes, learn from them, and focus on genuine wants to maintain desire and intimacy in long-term relationships.

  Maintaining desire and intimacy in long-term relationships requires transitioning from a mindset of "shoulds, have tos, and need tos" to focusing on what one truly wants. Esther Perel, a renowned relationship expert, introduced this concept. Our brains are constantly registering threats in today's world, but it's essential to recognize that mistakes and embarrassing moments happen. Instead of dwelling on them, we should learn from them and continue practicing desire in our relationships. By focusing on our genuine wants and needs, we can foster deeper connections and keep the spark alive.

• Balancing Sexual Desires and Emotional Connection: Communicate openly with your partner about your needs and desires. Prioritize intimacy and connection even during busy or exhausting periods. Remember that everyone goes through cycles of feeling more or less in the mood, and focus on cultivating a strong emotional connection and a healthy sexual relationship.

  It's essential to distinguish between different aspects of a relationship, such as sex life and emotional connection, and recognize that desires and needs can change over time. The speaker expressed a desire for a more passionate and sexually fulfilling relationship, but also acknowledged the challenges of balancing these desires with the demands of daily life and family responsibilities. It's important to communicate openly with your partner about your needs and desires, and to find ways to prioritize intimacy and connection even during busy or exhausting periods. It's also crucial to remember that everyone goes through cycles of feeling more or less in the mood, and it's natural for desires to ebb and flow. Ultimately, the goal is to cultivate a strong emotional connection and a healthy sexual relationship that can weather the ups and downs of life together.

• Open communication and intentionality in sexual relationships: Effective communication, understanding each other's needs, and prioritizing intimacy are essential for a healthy and fulfilling sexual relationship.

  Communication and intentionality are key to maintaining a healthy and fulfilling sexual relationship. The speaker shared her experience of feeling overwhelmed and unappreciated in her marriage, leading her to desire more independence and less need. However, she also recognized the importance of initiating intimacy and making it a priority, whether through scheduled activities or spontaneous moments. The speaker also emphasized the importance of understanding and respecting each other's needs and desires, and the value of physical touch beyond just sexual encounters. Overall, the conversation highlighted the importance of open communication, intentionality, and mutual respect in maintaining a satisfying sexual relationship.

• Prioritize personal desires in relationships: Be clear about personal needs, find ways to make them happen, and focus on growth and connection for a more fulfilling partnership

  Prioritizing personal desires and needs in a relationship can lead to a more fulfilling and balanced partnership. The speaker emphasizes the importance of being clear about what one wants and needs, and finding ways to make it happen, whether through scheduling or spontaneity. She encourages listeners to focus on the potential for growth and connection, rather than dwelling on current limitations or expectations. By putting effort into making time for intimacy and desire, individuals can shift from a defensive mindset to an offensive one, leading to greater satisfaction and closeness in their relationships.

• Reinventing Your Sex Life: Focus on creating new experiences, be curious, not judgmental, and commit to continuously exploring with your partner.

  Compared to our past experiences, our current relationships and sexual experiences may not measure up, but instead of dwelling on what we've lost, we should focus on creating new and exciting experiences. Emily Nagosky's book, "Come As You Are," emphasizes the importance of understanding our bodies and creating an environment that fosters sexual desire. The idea of a sex drive being a constant is a myth, and it's about turning "ons" on and "offs" off throughout the day. The speaker encourages couples, especially those who have been married for a while, to reinvent their sex lives and not compare their current experiences to their past. One suggestion is the John Delaney erotic envelope system, where each partner writes down a wild or mundane sexual experience they want to try and randomly selects one to do together. The goal is to add mystery and excitement back into the relationship and feel like newlyweds again. Ultimately, the key takeaway is to be curious, not judgmental, and commit to continuously exploring and creating new experiences with your partner.

• Understanding our emotions towards loved ones: Be curious about intense emotions, ask why, prioritize balance, seek resources, and create the life and relationships we truly want.

  It's important to be curious about our emotions and the reasons behind them, even if they seem unusual or conflicting. When we feel intense emotions towards our loved ones, instead of judging or beating ourselves up, we should ask ourselves why we feel that way. This can help us understand our desires and needs better, and enable us to create the life and relationships we truly want. Another key takeaway is the importance of balance and prioritization, especially when juggling multiple responsibilities such as parenthood and work. It's essential to find a routine that works for us and our family, and to make the most of the time we have with our loved ones, even if circumstances make it challenging. Lastly, seeking out resources and support, such as books and systems, can provide valuable insights and tools for improving our relationships and overall well-being.

• Involve older child in new sibling experience: Refer to new baby as sibling, encourage participation, be open about feelings, and remember children aren't designed to carry adult responsibilities.

  During the experience of having a new sibling, it's essential to involve the older child in the process and provide them with a sense of ownership and participation. This can be achieved by referring to the new baby as their sibling, encouraging them to color pictures or write letters, and being open about feelings of fear and grief. By doing so, children gain a sense of importance in the family dynamic and are better equipped to handle their emotions. Additionally, it's crucial to remember that children are not designed to carry the weight of adult responsibilities and that it's okay to seek support during this time. Be open, be vulnerable, and involve your older child in the experience to create a positive and meaningful transition.

• Helping Children Feel Valued During Emergencies: During emergencies, parents should reassure children of their love and make time for focused connections to help them feel valued and loved.

  During emergencies, it's natural for children to feel neglected and wonder about their place in the family. However, it's essential to help them understand that their parents' love runs deep, and they will prioritize their family during tough times. Parents should also make time for focused connections with their children, even in small moments, to help them feel valued and loved. When children act out, it's an opportunity to teach them family values and model respectful behavior. By prioritizing family connections, parents can create a strong foundation for their children to build on, even during challenging times.

• Focusing on what you can control during home buying process: Seek reliable help, set boundaries, and prepare for criticism to navigate home buying process with high-functioning autism.

  During the stressful process of buying a new home, focusing on what you can control, such as choosing reliable help like Churchill Mortgage, can make a significant difference. For individuals with high-functioning autism, like the caller in this conversation, setting boundaries and preparing for potential criticism from family members can also be essential. In her day-to-day life, the caller mentioned that she and her husband, who are both high-functioning autistic, tend to be shy and have quirky personalities. Despite these differences, they have achieved great things, including becoming debt-free before getting married. The caller's concern was her parents' belief that she wouldn't be a good mother due to her diagnosis. It's important to remember that everyone faces challenges and that focusing on what you can control, like seeking support from trusted resources and setting healthy boundaries, can help navigate difficult situations.

• Connecting despite autism: Autism doesn't limit connection potential; focus on building strong relationships, evaluate abilities honestly, and seek support when needed.

  Being on the autism spectrum does not define one's ability to connect with others and provide radical connection for children. The speaker's personal experience and the advice from her father demonstrate that it's essential to evaluate one's abilities honestly and focus on building strong connections, whether through family, friends, or professional help like marriage counselors. Preconceived notions about autism can be misleading, and it's crucial to remember that everyone, regardless of their diagnosis, has the potential to make a positive impact on children's lives. The key is to surround yourself with support systems and practice effective communication to navigate any challenges that may arise.

• Navigating Boundaries and Criticism with Family Members: Communication, seeking professional advice, self-care, and having a strong support system are crucial for parents dealing with challenging situations and criticism from family members.

  Seeking outside help and setting clear expectations can be valuable for parents in navigating boundaries and dealing with criticism from family members. The speaker emphasizes the importance of communication and seeking professional advice when dealing with challenging situations, especially when it comes to raising a child. The conversation also touched upon the importance of self-care and disconnecting from stressors to maintain mental well-being. Furthermore, the discussion highlighted that every parent faces challenges and that having a strong support system and a plan in place can make all the difference. Ultimately, the speaker encourages parents to trust their own judgment and make decisions based on their unique circumstances and professional guidance.

• Setting healthy boundaries and prioritizing relationships: Focus on building strong relationships, setting healthy boundaries, and practicing self-compassion for personal growth and emotional well-being.

  Setting boundaries and prioritizing positive relationships are crucial for personal growth and emotional well-being. The speaker encourages listeners to draw boundaries and surround themselves with supportive people, while also acknowledging the importance of seeking help when needed. The discussion also touched upon the importance of self-compassion and recognizing that everyone experiences struggles and hardships. The speaker shared a song by Frank Turner, "I Haven't Been Doing So Well," which resonates with the theme of the conversation, reminding us that it's okay not to be perfect and that we're all in this journey of life together. So, let's focus on building strong relationships, setting healthy boundaries, and being kind to ourselves and others.