Podcast Summary
Allow yourself to feel emotions fully: Practice mindfulness, compassion, and patience, but don't suppress emotions. Allow yourself to feel emotions fully and respond thoughtfully and intentionally.
While practicing mindfulness, compassion, and patience can help us respond more effectively to challenging situations and people, it's important not to suppress our emotions or repress our reactions. Instead, we should allow ourselves to experience our emotions fully while also being mindful of how we choose to respond. The ultimate goal is to increase our freedom and well-being, not to suppress our emotions or become a doormat for others. It's about finding a balance between being true to ourselves and being considerate of others. As Rick Hansen mentioned, the mind is like a septic tank, not a flush toilet, and our emotions need to be processed, not suppressed. So, the next time you find yourself feeling repressed or annoyed, take a moment to check in with yourself, allow yourself to feel your emotions, and then make a thoughtful and intentional response.
Moving Further Away from Others with Inner Skills: Use emotional intelligence, mindfulness, and other inner skills to broaden positive relationships, not make them smaller. Recognize emotional labor in group situations and set boundaries to manage it. Age gaps can bring benefits but require careful navigation.
As individuals develop greater emotional intelligence, mindfulness, and other inner skills, they may find themselves moving further away from others on the distribution curve. This can lead to feelings of isolation or elitism, but the goal should be to use these skills to broaden the range of positive relationships rather than making it smaller. In group situations, individuals with the ability to regulate their emotions often end up doing a disproportionate amount of emotional labor. It's important to recognize this and find ways to manage it, such as setting boundaries and seeking out healthier relationships. Age gaps in relationships can matter, but ultimately, it's the compatibility and mutual respect between partners that are most important. In the speaker's experience, age gaps can bring unique benefits, such as increased wisdom and stability, but it's essential to navigate any potential challenges with care and open communication.
Power, status, and age in relationships: Be aware of power dynamics, especially age and status differences, in relationships. Keep an open mind and strive for relatively equal exchanges.
Power, status, and age are interconnected and can significantly impact relationships. Power dynamics, often correlated with age and status, can be a plus or a minus in a relationship. However, it's essential to keep an open mind and be aware of potential power imbalances, especially if you're in a subordinate position. Privilege, in part, means not having to consider certain things, and those with more power, status, or resources often don't have to take certain issues into account. While relationships involve exchanges, healthy ones have a relatively equal balance of giving and receiving. Explicit trades can lead to problematic territory. Age gaps in relationships are not inherently problematic, but power differentials are.
Prioritize self-discovery and growth in relationships: Embrace differences, communicate, and focus on individual growth to deepen relationships and avoid assumptions based on stereotypes.
In relationships, especially those that started when the individuals were young, it's essential to prioritize self-discovery and individual growth while also embracing differences and fostering intimacy. As people evolve, they become more distinct and unique, and this differentiation can lead to a deeper connection with their partners. However, it's crucial not to suppress or fear differences but instead make room for them. Communication and understanding each other's dreams and aspirations can also strengthen the bond between partners. Remember, the stereotypes we may encounter are not always accurate, and it's essential to avoid making assumptions based on preconceived notions. Instead, focus on the unique aspects of your relationship and the growth that comes from mutual respect and understanding.
Appreciate the present and past in long-term relationships: Maintain a balance between valuing past experiences and adapting to new growth in long-term relationships, while updating assumptions and taking personal responsibility for actions.
In long-term relationships, it's essential to appreciate both the individual in the moment and the history of the partnership. This balance allows for growth and adaptation while valuing the past experiences. Assumptions about each other may change over time, and it's crucial to update them to maintain a healthy and evolving relationship. Personal responsibility is a complex issue, and while our behaviors are influenced by various factors, we still hold the power to make conscious choices and take accountability for our actions. In therapy, focusing on what happened to someone can be helpful, but it's also essential to recognize their agency and responsibility.
Deterministic and Interconnected Universe: Recognize agency, interconnectedness, and claim responsibility for actions in a deterministic and interconnected universe.
Our existence and the universe around us can be seen as both deterministic and interconnected, much like the endless ripples in a river. From a scientific perspective, the universe follows a largely deterministic process, but at its core, there's a level of quantum instability. From a philosophical and spiritual perspective, all phenomena, including our choices, are interconnected and part of a larger whole. It's essential to recognize our agency and claim responsibility for our actions, acknowledging that they are just one of many factors shaping our lives. After reflecting on our role in the matter, we can return to the wisdom perspective that we are both nothing and everything, and the river of our life flows between these two realizations. Ultimately, acknowledging our agency and interconnectedness allows us to make amends for our mistakes, learn from them, and move forward with a deeper understanding of ourselves and the world.
Recognizing the impact of decisions and systemic issues: Understanding that our lives are influenced by internal and external factors, and that some people face more limitations than others, can lead to more thoughtful decision-making and system-building for equitable outcomes.
Our lives are shaped by a multitude of factors, both internal and external, which establish a range of possible outcomes. This range can be influenced by our own decisions and circumstances. For instance, a seemingly small decision like agreeing to attend a dance class can have a significant impact on one's life. However, it's essential to recognize that not everyone has the same range of possibilities due to systemic issues and discrimination. Therefore, it's crucial to build systems that acknowledge and address these factors to create more equitable outcomes. This perspective can influence various aspects of our lives, from politics to mental health and beyond. The appreciation of the interconnectedness of causes and conditions can lead to more thoughtful approaches to complex issues. For example, the Doctor John DeLaney Show, which offers practical advice on navigating everyday challenges, is an excellent resource for those seeking direct, actionable solutions.
Understanding Self Worth vs Self Esteem: Cultivate self worth through internal appreciation and self esteem through external recognition, listen to podcasts for informed health choices, and prioritize self-acceptance.
It's important to distinguish between self worth and self esteem. Self worth is an inner feeling of all rightness and fundamental appreciation of oneself, while self esteem is an external rating of oneself based on various attributes. To cultivate self worth, focus on internalizing appreciation for your accomplishments and the recognition of others. The ZOE Science and Nutrition podcast is a valuable resource for making informed health choices, while OneSkin offers simple solutions for skin health. If you're struggling with defining self worth through accomplishments and holding onto self judgment, remember to focus on the inner sense of worth and the importance of self-acceptance.
Recognizing self-worth beyond work accomplishments: Make sincere efforts, bring good heartedness, learn from experiences, and focus on healthy self-guidance to foster self-worth, not just work successes.
Recognizing and reinforcing self-worth should not be tied solely to external accomplishments or successes at work. Instead, it's essential to make sincere efforts, bring good heartedness, and learn from experiences, both successes and failures. Additionally, self-guidance is crucial, but it's important to distinguish it from self-criticism. Lastly, the internalization of negative voices from various sources can be detrimental to self-worth. Instead, focus on healthy self-guidance and disengage from unhealthy self-criticism. Remember, the effort, goodheartedness, and learning you put into your endeavors are what you can control, and those are the areas where you should find satisfaction and self-worth.
Understanding the source of motivation: Recognize if motivation comes from genuine desire or fear of not measuring up. Reflect on if the motivation feels like a carrot or a stick, and if it's pain-driven or intrinsic.
The feeling of accomplishment is not always directly linked to the amount of effort put into an achievement. Instead, it's essential to recognize the motivations behind our actions and whether they're driven by genuine desire or fear of not measuring up. To differentiate between the two, consider if you'd still be drawn to the goal if no one were watching or if there was no external audience. Additionally, ask yourself if the motivation feels more like a carrot in front of you or a stick behind you. Lastly, reflect on whether the motivation is pain-driven or if it comes from a more positive, intrinsic place. By understanding these distinctions, we can strive to be more authentic in our pursuits and find greater fulfillment in our accomplishments.
Identify the source of motivation: Understand if motivation stems from fear, self-criticism or genuine joy, passion, and enthusiasm. Gradually shift focus towards the wisdom horse for personal growth.
When considering whether to pursue a goal, it's essential to identify the source of your motivation. If your motivation is rooted in fear and self-criticism, it may be indicative of a deficit model where you feel the need to prove yourself to others. However, if there's genuine joy, passion, and enthusiasm for the goal, it's more likely to lead to personal growth and fulfillment. It's not uncommon to have both motivations coexist. In such cases, it's crucial to gradually shift your focus towards the wisdom horse, the part of you that's driven by genuine self-expression and capability. Remember, even if your past experiences have brought challenges, they may also come with hidden strengths. It's essential to recognize and embrace these aspects as well.
Leveraging neurotic tendencies for personal growth: Recognizing neurotic tendencies and using them to pursue virtuous goals can lead to personal growth and healing.
While it's not always possible to eliminate all neurotic tendencies, recognizing their potential value and using them to drive us towards virtuous goals can lead to personal growth and healing. Being a producer at NPR, despite her fear of missing deadlines not being perfectly healthy, proved beneficial in that context. Life is about becoming a "normal neurotic," learning to deal with problems in everyday life, ideally getting rid of them or incorporating them in healthier ways. However, when pursuing a goal with significant neurotic motivation, it's essential to acknowledge it and use the accomplishment to heal past wounds. For example, an older sibling in a dysfunctional family system can help their younger sibling by maximizing their access to resources outside the family, providing them with opportunities for personal growth and development.
Supporting a struggling sibling: Encourage interests, help succeed, build healthy relationships, seek advice, find success areas, build strong friendships
Supporting a struggling sibling involves encouraging their interests, helping them succeed, and building healthy relationships. It's essential to be aware of limitations of influence and seek advice from professionals when necessary. The situation's dysfunctionality determines the level of influence one can have. Closeness to the system may require compromises, and balancing closeness and distance is a personal decision. A crucial factor is finding areas of success for the sibling, which boosts their confidence and resilience. Building strong friendships and seeking advice from professionals can significantly impact a sibling's well-being.
Friendship, social connection, and emotional regulation impact teenagers' wellbeing: Teenagers benefit from strong friendships, social connections, and emotional regulation. If they lack these areas, they may be at risk and can benefit from therapy, parental support, and online resources.
Having a good friend, being socially connected, and having emotional regulation are important factors for teenagers' wellbeing. If a teenager lacks these areas, they may be at risk and could benefit from the involvement of another adult, such as a therapist. In many states, including California, parents cannot prevent their teenager from seeing a therapist, who can provide valuable support and advocacy. Additionally, expressing love and affirmation towards your sibling or teenager, and utilizing online resources for social emotional skills and mindfulness, can be beneficial in challenging situations.
Discussing listener questions on personal growth and self-worth: Embrace emotions, practice mindfulness for freedom, recognize personal responsibility, and focus on self-worth, not self-esteem
The Being Well Podcast values questions from listeners and the opportunity to help address their real-life issues. During mailbag episodes, they discuss various questions submitted through email, Patreon, social media, and sometimes even ask for new ones. These episodes are special because they deal with real-life situations, making the conversations more relatable and meaningful. One question discussed the dilemma of developing personal skills leading to repressed emotions. The hosts emphasized the importance of being at choice about expressing emotions, not repression, and the practice of mindfulness should make us more free, not more constrained. Another question tackled personal responsibility and accountability, focusing on the idea that people have a degree of free will despite their past experiences. Lastly, they discussed defining self-worth through accomplishments and successes, highlighting the importance of focusing on self-worth rather than self-esteem. Accomplishments can be illusory, and our worth should not be based on external factors.
Self-esteem vs Self-worth and Acceptance in Relationships: Self-esteem is based on accomplishments, while self-worth is inherent. Acceptance of others leads to self-acceptance. Age gaps in relationships can work with a strong foundation. Long-term relationships require flexibility and ongoing process view. Trauma history can influence identity, but acknowledging and addressing both aspects promotes growth.
Self-esteem and self-worth are two distinct concepts. Self-esteem is driven by accomplishments, while self-worth comes from appreciating the inherent value of being a human being. By accepting and valuing others, we can learn to accept and value ourselves. Regarding age gaps in relationships, they can work, but it's crucial to ensure the foundation is strong and not based on transitory factors. In long-term relationships, it's essential to view the other person as an ongoing process and remain flexible in our understanding of them. Lastly, being driven by a trauma history to constantly achieve or fearing not measuring up can be likened to having a neurotic horse pulling the wagon of our identity. To maintain balance, we should incline more towards the healthier aspects of ourselves, but not neglect the neurotic parts entirely. By acknowledging and addressing both, we can grow and develop in a healthy way.
Corrective emotional experiences in therapy: Engaging in experiences that resonate can foster accomplishment, social support, and skills development, crucial for personal growth. Helping others in dysfunctional situations can enhance these benefits.
Identifying experiences that resonate with us and intentionally pursuing them can serve as "corrective emotional experiences" in therapy. These experiences can provide a sense of accomplishment, social support, and internal skills development, which are crucial for personal growth. Rick emphasized the importance of helping others, especially those in dysfunctional situations, to cultivate these three aspects. To engage further in this topic and submit questions for future episodes, consider joining the Being Well Podcast community on Patreon. Your support will not only enable more insightful discussions but also grant you access to exclusive bonus content.
