Preferences vs. True Happiness in Relationships: Focus on character and behavior, not just external appearances or past experiences, for fulfilling relationships.
Our preferences in dating and relationships might not always align with what truly makes us happy or fulfilled. Matthew Hussey argues that people often have superficial ideas of what they're attracted to based on their past experiences and habits. These preferences can be related to physical attributes, behaviors, or even character traits. However, many of these preferences might just be distractions, as they are not based on a deep understanding of what truly matters in a relationship. Instead, it's essential to focus on character and behavior, rather than just external appearances or preconceived notions. Additionally, people can be attracted to different packages of the same core personality type, even if they look very different. Ultimately, it's important to be open-minded and intentional in our dating choices, focusing on what truly matters in a relationship rather than distractions based on our past experiences or superficial preferences.
Desire for dominance can be complex: People's attraction and relationship patterns can be influenced by deeper, often hidden, motivations, including insecurities that push them towards assertive or less assertive partners.
People's attraction and relationship patterns can be more complex than they seem. During the conversation, it was mentioned that some women may be attracted to partners who assertively tell them to shut up or put them in their place. However, this desire for dominance can also stem from an insecurity that pushes them towards safer, less assertive partners instead. This phenomenon highlights the intricacy of human behavior and the importance of understanding the underlying motivations behind our actions and preferences. It's essential to remember that people's types or patterns might not always be what they appear to be on the surface.
The comfort of familiar patterns: People often date individuals with similar patterns for a sense of safety and predictability, which can limit personal growth and prevent new experiences.
People often find themselves attracted to and dating individuals who exhibit similar patterns or "styles," despite the potential for disagreements and arguments. This phenomenon, sometimes referred to as the "better devil you know," can be explained by the sense of safety and predictability that comes with knowing someone's behavior. Just as in boxing, where fighters learn to counter certain styles, individuals in relationships may find comfort in the familiarity of dealing with a known pattern, even if it's uncomfortable. Additionally, it's possible that individuals may seek out relationships with certain "styles" to help them navigate their own personal issues. Ultimately, this pattern of dating similar individuals can lead to a sense of security and understanding, but it may also limit personal growth and prevent individuals from experiencing new and diverse relationships.
Choosing partners based on personal needs and desires: People unconsciously pick partners with negative traits to avoid feeling threatened and the need to grow, similar to the 'big fish in a small pond' effect, known as the 'existential kink'.
People often unconsciously choose romantic partners based on their own needs and desires, even if those partners have negative traits. This phenomenon is similar to the "big fish in a small pond" effect, where individuals feel good about themselves when they are in a position of superiority. By dating certain types of people, individuals can avoid feeling threatened and the need to grow. This concept is related to the idea of an "existential kink," where people find comfort in the very things they complain about or find annoying. For instance, someone might complain about their family always asking them to do things, but secretly enjoy the fact that they are relied upon. Comedian Pete Holmes has also discussed this idea. Overall, understanding this dynamic can help individuals become more aware of their patterns and make more intentional choices in their relationships.
Examining Our True Desires and Motivations: Be mindful of our intentions when helping others or expressing dissatisfaction. Ask ourselves if we truly want change or if we're content with the status quo and associated complaints.
We need to be mindful of our true desires and motivations, especially when it comes to helping others or expressing dissatisfaction with our current situations. It's easy to fall into the role of an audience, offering solutions or listening to complaints, without realizing that the person we're trying to help might not actually want to change. They might be more comfortable staying in their current situation and venting about it. So, it's crucial to examine our own intentions and ask ourselves if we truly want what we claim to want. If we do, we should take action towards making it happen. Otherwise, we might just be content with the status quo and the associated complaints. Ultimately, self-awareness is key to ensuring that we're not just playing a role in someone else's "theater of no," but actively working towards our own goals and desires.
(Rewind): Are You Choosing The Right "Type" Of Person To Date?
Recent Episodes from Love Life with Matthew Hussey
263: Protect Yourself In Dating With This Mindset
Do you find some relationships and situations in life that just drain you? Maybe there are people you're investing energy into in your dating life that make you feel burnt out, frustrated, and make you want to withdraw entirely.
So if you want to spend your time in a happier, freer, more productive way that leaves you uplifted, this episode is for you. Matt gives 7 key insights from the book "Protect Your Peace" by Trent Shelton that will change your mindset and stop you surrounding yourself with toxic people that add to your stress in life.
►► Answers Tailored to You, In Real Time, When You Need Them Most.
Ask Matthew AI Your Biggest Dating Question for Free at . . .
→ http://www.AskMH.com
►► Order My New Book, "Love Life" at → http://www.LoveLifeBook.com
►► FREE Video Training: “Dating With Results” → http://www.DatingWithResults.com
(Matt Monday): Why Does Dating Feel So Hard In 2024??
►► Ask Matthew AI Your Biggest Dating Question for Free Now at. . . → http://www.AskMH.com
(Rewind): If They Pull Away, Text This Response...
What can you do when you feel like you're getting excuses and feel they're pulling away in their texts? If you don't want to play games, here's a simple way you can be honest, vulnerable, but still keep your standards when you respond.
►► Ask Matthew AI Your Biggest Dating Question for Free Now at. . . → http://www.AskMH.com
262: "I Want A Serious Relationship, But They Want To 'See How Things Go'"
How do you know is someone is ready for a relationship? What if they use phrases in their dating app like "If the right person came along, I'd be open to a relationship", or "I want to see how things go"?
In this episode, Matt, Audrey and Stephen discuss how certain you need to be of someone's intentions in the early dating stages and how you should decide who to invest in so you don't waste your time with the wrong person.
►► Ask Matthew AI Your Biggest Dating Question for Free Now at. . . → http://www.AskMH.com
261: How To Deeply Connect To The Hidden Power Of The Five Hearts w/ Kimberly Snyder
- Get Out Of A Rut And Tap Into Your Intuition
- Stop Settling And Feeling Unworthy Love
- Become More Emotionally Resilient
- Overcome Fear, Anxiety and Burnout
- Feel More Internally Fulfilled And Empowered
- Step Into A State Of Flow
(Matt Monday): How To Respond To "Bare Minimum" Texting
►► Ask Matthew AI Your Biggest Dating Question for Free Now at. . . → http://www.AskMH.com
(Rewind): 3 Mistakes People Make When It Comes To Exclusivity in Dating
It’s very easy to avoid having certain conversations in life. And one of the more dangerous forms of avoidance is assuming we’re exclusive when it’s unclear in early dating. So when should you have The Conversation? And what are some of the pitfalls that lead to people being “in limbo” and never really getting the commitment they want?
In this episode, Matthew, Stephen and Audrey talk about 3 common mistakes in the early dating stage and how to get clearer about where you really stand.
---
►► Ask Matthew AI Your Biggest Dating Question for Free Now at. . . → http://www.AskMH.com
260: He Seemed Attracted...Then Pulled Away. Why?
Ever felt like you had chemistry and were falling for someone, and then they seem to start texting less, stop scheduling dates, and seem to be fading out? What does this mean? And more importantly, should you have "the conversation" to see where you stand?
In this episode, Matthew, Stephen and Audrey talk to a caller who felt the guy she was seeing wasn't interested anymore after he went on vacation. They discuss how to respond and what some the reasons might be behind this behavior.
►► Ask Matthew AI Your Biggest Dating Question for Free Now at. . .
→ http://www.AskMH.com
(Matt Monday): Feel Them Pulling Away? DO NOT Chase; Do THIS Instead!
Ever been dating someone who suddenly goes cold when they go on a trip out of town? What happened? And how should you respond to this behavior?
Today’s episode is all about what happens when we invest too soon, and how someone’s “radio silence” can trigger our insecurity. I even provide two text messages you can send: one for if they reach back out to you when they’re back in town, and one for when they don’t.
BTW, don’t miss our HUGE announcement in this one (it’s right after Audrey’s cheeky cameo). ;) You’ll be one of the first people in the world to try this thing out . . . it’s crazy!
►► 17 Years of Love Life Coaching Experience in Your Pocket Whenever You Need It.
Get on the Early Bird List for Matthew AI Now at. . .
→ http://www.AskMHFirst.com
►► Order My New Book, "Love Life" at → http://www.LoveLifeBook.com
►► FREE Video Training: “Dating With Results” → http://www.DatingWithResults.com
(Rewind): Heal Your Broken Heart. Starting Now.
When your heart gets broken, it can be as painful as any physical trauma.
You can't eat. The world seems dark. Your every thought is tinged with a feeling of loss and hopelessness.
But there are STILL choices.
And the ones you make now will decide whether you stay feeling broken and defeated, or whether you heal and come back feeling stronger, more confident, and ready to love again.
Here's how to get on the right path back to YOU . . .
---
►► Transform Your Relationship With Life in 6 Magical Days. Learn More About The Matthew Hussey Retreat at. . . . → http://www.MHRetreat.com
►► Pre-Order My New Book, "Love Life" at → http://www.LoveLifeBook.com
►► FREE Video Training: “Dating With Results” → http://www.DatingWithResults.com
Related Episodes
Family Resemblance - PDF
3 Growth Mindsets to Overcome Failure
If you've had a recent failure, congratulations. It just means you tried and got some feedback. Is it worth trying again? It depends on how important it is to you. In 5 or 10 years, will you regret having not given it your all. If the answer is yes, then this episode is for you.
EP# 113 Keeping Track of True Growth - Warren Rustand (Entrepreneur, Mentor, Leader)
Warren Rustand has created, led and grown many successful private, public and not-for-profit entities. He is currently the CEO of Providence Service Corp and has a long and distinguished career serving a Chief Executive or in senior-level leadership positions with numerous other organizations. Warren is a frequent speaker on leadership, business, families, and personal development, and contributes to Paper Napkin Wisdom with the following: "One's success in life is relevant only to one's own capacity."
In Warren's experience, it is human nature - and certainly the nature of the entrepreneur - to measure one's self against others. On the contrary, true success can only really be defined through our own capability, potential, and skills (those that have been given to us and those we have developed over time). The only success that is relevant, therefore, is that which can be measured against this personal capacity or potential.
Supplemental to this idea of personal capacity is the notion that rather than comparing ourselves to others who might have more of something or be better at something, we should look to those who may be less fortunate. Not only does this allow us to recognize how fortunate we actually are, but it also enables us to mentor, support, and assist others on their own path of personal development.
Warren's experience has taught him that the greatest journey in life is self-mastery: the idea that we can control our appetites, passions, desires, and abilities and channel them in constructive ways. Rather than getting caught up in ancillary activities, we can concentrate on true progress through the following five steps:
· 1. Commit to a higher level of personal discipline
· 2. Have a purpose every day
· 3. Make intentional decisions
· 4. Make conscious choices
· 5. Answer the call to serve
Warren teaches that if we make progress with these steps each day, we become closer and closer to self mastery, which can ultimately lead to greater individual freedom. These steps are integrated and should be worked on together (rather than one at a time); they also require a significant level of proactivity, rather than simply reacting to everything around us.
This means recognizing the three areas in which we have control every single day: our mind, our energy, and our time. By Warren's estimation, if we can manage those three consistently well, we will come close to finding success measured against our personal capacity. Warren's own personal habit is to ask himself "Why am I alive today?" Such a simple question allows him not only to discover his purpose(s) for the day, but also to schedule around that purpose in a proactive, highly defined way.
Another exercise that Warren employs is a daily, 30-minute reflection to focus the mind, split into three ten minute segments: 1) think great, positive thoughts, 2) read great, positive thoughts (i.e. not the newspaper!), and 3) write in a personal journal about the positive aspects of your life. As with great athletes and other competitors, never allow a negative thought to enter your mind as you prepare to master your personal energy. This will ultimately allow you to be the best entrepreneur, parent, sibling, etc, you can be, measured against your own personal capacity.
11. Digging Deep to Know & Share Your Truth | Jessica Ciencin Henriquez
In today’s episode, I’m joined by Jessica Ciencin Henriquez.
Jessica is a writer (yes, I very clearly have a podcast guest type), editor, and teacher who is best known for her personal essays and narrative journalism, with pieces that have been featured in the New York Times’ Modern Love column, Self Magazine, Cosmopolitan, Teen Vogue, Time, and Parents, among many others. Her essays have also been featured in multiple anthologies, including: Oprah's Little Guide to The Big Questions. She is the author of the forthcoming memoir: If You Loved Me You Would Know, and she currently lives and writes in Bali.
Today, Jess and I talk about writing, of course, but it goes so much deeper than that: We talk about moving past the fear of judgment; having hard, honest conversations; deepening our empathy for and curiosity about the people around us; and designing the lives we want to live.
We also talk about:
- How a Craigslist ad became her most popular piece of writing
- How she shifts her own negative beliefs
- How teaching writing became a masterclass on teaching life
- Why she chose to move to Bali and how the move has already changed her
- Why her brave next step will require her to finally put down roots
- . . . and so much more.
In this conversation, Jess showcases what it looks like to live a life of intention: to choose who you want to be and how you want to show up and the impact you want to have in the world — and then to choose actions every single day that align with that vision. She doesn’t claim to be perfect at it, but I was so inspired by her example!
Our conversation reminded me of the good in everyone around me (and in myself!) and in every experience I’ve ever had. I hope this conversation inspires you to see that — and believe that — too.
—
Follow Jess:
Other Notable Links:
- Sunday Night Newsletter
- Everything is Figureoutable by Marie Forleo
- Jess’ Craigslist Post
- Jess’ Modern Love Essay
CREDITS
Editing & Sound Engineering: Jordan Johansen
Episode-29
In the Season 2 premiere, Yvette shares how she was living life according to self-imposed rules that left her feeling disconnected and desiring more depth in her relationships. She discusses how these patterns were developed, how she's gained awareness into their impact on her quality of life, and shares what steps she's taking to live more authentically.
“Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.“ -Brene Brown
Follow The Mindful Corner's Instagram Page: https://www.instagram.com/themindfulcorner/
If you enjoyed this episode, please consider leaving an honest rating and review.
Want to share your story or know someone who does? Email us at: themindfulcornerpodcast@gmail.com
*For Business Inquiries email: drerikavelez@gmail.com