Intentional Living with Tanya Hale

My journey to become a life coach started when I was a teenager, and became a reality about the time I got divorced.  The tools I teach have been instrumental in me learning to get out of divorce victim mode and begin to take responsibility for my life.  The tools I teach have deepened my relationship with my children, my husband, and God.  In this podcast I share a bit about my life coaching journey and how it has impacted my life in ways I could have never imagined and brought more joy than maybe people should be allowed to feel.  And I may have cried a few times while recording. . .  

Thinking that our spouse is our responsibility can cause a few different problems in our relationship.  First, we can overstep boundaries when we, with every good intention, try to be responsible (take control) of their thoughts, feelings, and actions.  It's more common that we realize and very subtle.  Second, when we start thinking of our spouse as a responsibility rather than a choice, a person we choose to be in relationship with.  This week we are talking about how and why these ideas about spousal responsibility will strain your relationship.  

I often hear people use phrases like, 'I hate change', or 'I don't like change', or 'I'm not good at change.'  And though these may seem like helpful phrases to express our discomfort with change, they are actually making the change more difficult for us.  To complicate these types of phrases, using them also distracts us from the actual feeling we are having and begins to create disconnection in our relationships.  Let's talk about it.

So many of us were raised with ideas about what it meant to be a 'good' wife, mother, daughter, sister, or friend.  And we now use these ideas to beat ourselves up when we don't measure up.  What if I were to tell you that being that 'good' person you aspire to be is actually unattainable?  What if I could show you how you step into a version of 'good' that really does feel good, genuine, and authentic?  Well, you're in luck!  Let's talk about how to really believe you're good enough.

All of have times when our behavior doesn't match up with who we really want to be.  That's part of being human.  Understanding why we, and others, don't always behave our best is a great way to create greater compassion and grace for ourseves and those around us.  And when we interact with more compassion and grace, we have better relationships.

Many of us were impacted by the Book The 5 Love Languages in our earlier years.  For me, I was impacted negatively because I used the concepts as a weapon against my spouse, a way to prove he wasn't doing it right.  In reality, focusing in on how he was or wasn't loving me was the problem.  The solution?  Learn to focus on the law of love, the commandment to love and learn to love better, rather than the non-commandment of receiving love from others.  Love isn't the reward, love is the law.

Learning how to stay in our own lane can be tricky because it is often disguised as love and wanting to help.  And yet, when we try to control other people's thoughts or feelings, when we try to control their decisions and outcomes, we are veering into their lane.  So, how do we recognize and become more aware of when we're getting in other people's lanes?  And how do we learn to stay in our own lane?  Let's talk about it.  

So many of us are miserable in partnerships because we feel unseen and unheard.  We feel that our wants and needs are not considered and that our worth depends on how well we fulfill the wants and needs of others, especially our partner.  And yet, the true connection and intimacy we so deeply desire will never be available to us until we step into equal partnership with them, and that starts with us becoming an equal partner.

I am often asked what the difference is between people pleasing and being kind.  It's a great question because often the behavior will look exactly the same.  The difference lies in our motives behind the behaviors.  Are we engaging from a place of fear and trying to control the other person's feelings or behaviors in some way, or are we engaging from a place of love and choosing to show up the way we want to?  When we can learn to tune into our own motivations, we can clean up our engagements with others and reduce the people pleasing behaviors that destroy our relationships with others and ourselves.

The phrase 'I'm fine' can be so destructive to our relationships.  Often we use it to deflect having a tough conversation, but what we're really doing is lying and gaslighting.  What we are really doing is burying our thoughts and feelings and letting them fester until we've got a lot of resentment brewing inside of us.  Let's talk about how to stop being fine and start being honest.

Our tendency as humans to have a drama response to situations is so normal.  But not helpful.  Dropping into drama expends a lot of energy, causes us to show up in ways we're not proud of later, and often damages relationships.  In this podcast I share four ways to recognize when we're having a drama response and keep from going there.

'Should' is a word that is used way more in our conversations than it 'should' be.  It's a passive-aggressive word that pulls our judgment and lack of acceptance into a nice little bundle that says, 'you're not doing it right,' and 'you're not good enough,' even though it sounds much softer and seemingly kinder.  But it's still destructive to our relationships, both with others and with ourselves.  Learning to clean up the 'shoulds' from your conversation will help you show up with more kindness and compassion and stop heaping shame onto others.

There are things in life that happen to us that are not our fault.  For example, our spouse may have an affair and want a divorce.  To stay out of victim mentality, it's important that we step into responsibility for our situations in life.  But how do we take responsibility when it really isn't our fault?  When what we're going through is because of someone else's choices?  

Another blast from the past!  I love this episode so much, it's a replay of episode #195, What Are You Sorry For?  'I'm sorry' is probably one of the most used phrases by women in our society.  We have been conditioned to use this phrase not just when we have done something hurtful or wrong, but very often even when we are just taking up space as a human.  Today we're going to take a closer look at why it's important to stop apologizing for being a breathing human and how to acknowledge our space in the world with more gratitude and grace. 

Engaging in martyr behavior can be really easy for so many of us.  In this week's podcast we're digging deeper into specific behaviors that a martyr engages in, and also ways that you can start to work through your own martyr tendencies.

This week I'm playing for you another great podcast from the past.  Being a martyr is something that can come so easily for many of us, and being able to recognize how and when and where it is showing up in our lives can really help us to feel more powerful in our lives as we clean up our engagements with other people and show up more honestly and loving.  

The Law of the Lid is a concept taught by John C. Maxwell, a leadership expert.  When applied to the work we do here, we are talking about how our own self love puts a lid on our capacity to both give and receive love to and from others.  When applied to people in our lives with whom we struggle to connect emotionally, this concept can help you to understand them and show up with more compassion and grace.

You know that phrase 'growing old gracefully'?  It's time for a shift.  How about we all start thinking about Growing Old Boldly?  My friend, and fellow mid-life coach Kwavi, joins me today for a discussion about how we can start living more boldly as we age, and not less.  We have so much amazingness to contribute to the world as we age, so let's jump in with both feet!

What makes a person lovable?  Is it their charisma?  Their kindness?  Their willingness to serve?  Actually, it isn't any of those things.  Those things might make it easier to love someone, but whether we do love someone or not depends solely on our love ability.  If you're interested in increasing your ability to love others, listen up!

When we struggle to show up our best selves, it can be really frustrating, even disheartening.  And when we have a tendency to get on our case and even beat ourselves up for our mistakes and short-comings, we start digging a hole that makes it hard to start moving forward again.  But when we can extend grace to ourselves for when we fall short of our ideal, we create a place that is so much easier to get moving again in the direction we want.  Embracing the idea that sometimes we are just human and don't make decisions in alignment with what we want, is a powerful place to be, I call that the Sometimes Space.  It's a beautiful place of acceptance and love and compassion.