Intentional Living with Tanya Hale

Communication can be the source of our greatest connections to other people, or it can be the source of some of our greatest disconnections to other people.  When communication is not happening or when things are misinterpreted, we create frustrations and relationship breakdowns.  But when understood and entered into with intention and curiosity, communication can be just the thing to bring emotional intimacy and connection to the people we love.  Good communication can change your relationship, and what we talk about today will get you started.

Have you ever said something like, 'I just wish I could take their agency away and make them do what I know is best for them!'?  I think probably most of us have at some point, especially if we have adult children!  And yet, agency is not only a gift from God for us to learn from our own choices, but it is also a gift from God to help us learn how to become more like Him in honoring and respecting others' agency.  When we can learn to really accept other people's agency, then we are learning how to show up in more Christlike and loving ways.  

Learning to advocate for ourselves is a skill that many of us haven't acquired yet, and until we do, we will struggle with self-respect and with having the equal relationships that we desire.  When we come to realize that our wants and needs are just as important and valid as anyone else's, we can advocate with more clarity and confidence.  Fellow life and divorce coach Samantha Nielsen joins me today in a discussion about what advocating means, why it's important, and how to do it.  

Gaslighting is a term that has really gained some traction in the past 12 years, and some of us may still be a little sketchy on what exactly it means.  In today's podcast, I reference two articles that give concrete examples and phrases that will help you understand with more what gaslighting is so that you can increase your awareness of where you may be showing up manipulating others with gaslighting techniques.  

All of us have felt resentment at one time or another.  Resentment is one of those emotions that we call 'indulgent emotions' because it may feel good and justified, and even feel like it's productive, when in reality, it keeps us stuck.  And it usually keeps us stuck in a place we don't want.  So, how do we work through resentment and into movement again?  That's what today's podcast is all about.

Do you ever struggle with motivation?  I think it's just part of the human condition to have to figure out how to get things done.  And although there are a lot of quick tricks and tips we can use to get us moving, in this podcast we're talking about how to change your thinking around the things you want to do so that your motivation comes from your brain and you become more intrinsically motivated to do the things you really want to.

All of us have fear in our lives, it's part of being a human.  If we let it, this fear will hold us back from experiencing life to its fullest and growing into the person we have the capacity to become.  So, how do we manage our fear?  How do we summon the courage to do the things we are scared to do?  How do we courage up?  Check out today's episode and let's talk about it!

What if we could learn how to keep out of contention more often and instead create greater connection? Contention really is a choice, and so is connection.  Learning to set aside our fear-based responses and choose to respond with love instead will help us to create greater emotional intimacy from those tricky situations.  

It can be so easy to allow ourselves to slip into victim thinking. Being able to recognize when we get there and understand how to move ourselves out of it is a powerful tool that puts us back in charge of where our life is going. When we can rid ourselves of the villain by no longer blaming but rather taking responsibility, we are no longer the victim, and then we can become the hero of our own story. 

In our lives that are often filled with so much stuff and stress and busyness, it can sometimes seem improbable that we will be able to find rest.  And yet, we are promised that if we will turn to Christ that we can find rest.  What does that have to do with life coaching?  From my personal experience, quite a bit.  Let's talk about how.

Sione and I just celebrated our first anniversary.  Second marriages have a 67% divorce rate, and because that's not a space either of us in interested in, we have made some pretty intentional moves to make sure we stay connected in the ways that are most important to us.  We both have a pretty good idea about why our first marriages failed, and in creating a completely different type of relationship this time around, today we're sharing some lessons we've learned that are changing our lives.

Recognizing the value and worth of all people, knowing that there is no spectrum of value, opens us up to feeling more compassion and empathy and acceptance of others.  When we can recognize and embrace our own value, we can move into a greater space of compassion and confidence for ourselves as well.  Separating out the difference between value and contribution is where we sometimes get hung up on both of these processes, and that is an understanding that is definitely worth stepping into  as it helps us to move forward in our own lives.

Learning how to coach yourself on a daily basis is an important tool for helping you to align the life you are living with the life you really want to be living.  Today I share some of my favorite strategies that I use to increase my awareness around my thoughts so that I can gain clarity around the experiences I am having and learn how to better show up the way I really want to more often.  

Our brains have a natural tendency to always look for what is fair and what is equal.  But when we're working to create a more intimate, close relationship, fair and equal is destructive.  When our brain is keeping score of who is doing what to make sure it is fair, we are creating a transactional relationship, and that isn't going to create the deeper intimacy that we are seeking.  Learning instead, to look for what is needed in our relationship rather than what is fair will do amazing things to move our relationships forward.

The relationship circle is a concept that helps us to stay in our own lanes and resist the temptation to try and take control of things that aren't ours to control.  When we more clearly understand how to allow the other person the space to work through their own struggles and challenges and show up empathetic, supportive, and kind, we can start tapping into the intimate partnership relationships have the possibility of becoming.

This week my husband, Sione, joins me as we share a recent experience we had in which we had the opportunity to step into some pretty honest communication.  It took a lot of vulnerability, courage, and awareness for both of us to create this experience, but it ended up being a beautiful exchange.  Our hope is that by sharing how we are stepping into better communication, you can understand how you can as well.  

Circling back around is a technique that my husband, Sione, and I use in our marriage that allows us to apologize better and show up more as the partners that we really want to.  We incorporate the concepts of awareness, acknowledgement, apology, and application to increase our connection and communication.  This episode delves into these concepts more depely and helps you understand how you can become more the person you want to be.

Forgiving someone who has hurt us can seem like a herculean task sometimes.  The pain can run deep and wide and it can feel that if we forgive that we are condoning the behavior that was so painful to us.  And yet, forgiving is the path to peace and progress.  Learning to let go of the pain and lean into the love exemplified by Christ is one of the purposes of forgiveness.  There is a stronger and better you waiting on the other side.

So many of us unintentionally engage in passive-aggressive behaviors, and it's hurting our relationships.  Today we are going to talk about 18 different ways that these behaviors show up.  When we create greater awareness around our own passive aggressive behaviors, we can start to clean them up and start healing our relationships.

When we want/need to have a tough discussion with someone, we can have a tendency to blame and accuse the other person, which generally tends to lead to defensiveness and a fight.  In this podcast I'm sharing with you a tool I use to help communication around difficult circumstances that allows us to share what we're experiencing without blaming, and creates a safer space to discuss tough things.