Midnight Crisis

"I'm never gonna dance again, guilty feet have got no rhythm"

- Ben still doesn’t know which way to face in the elevator.
- Ben loves Survivor and Jonathan LaPaglia's dirty mouth.
- Ben buys some new pillows and Nobody’s regrets her Black Sails themed decor.
- Nobody is becoming a COVID conspiracy theorist.
- Nobody tests her husband on whether he would still love her if she was a snail?
- We provide some advice to a redditor with a pee bottle problem.
- A guy with a Star Wars obsessed girlfriend needs our help.
- We advise the girlfriend of a guy who doesn’t fart.

"I'd sent a text to the person the text was about."

- We divulge our respective mayonnaise dilemmas.
- Ben asks whether you’d accept the reward for returning a missing pet?
- Ben uses his escape room mindset to fix his overheated phone.
- Ben proposes a restrained use of the edit and delete instant messages feature.
- Nobody has paid for eight weeks of tennis lessons and is absolutely hating it.

"A little bit of Jessica here I am. A little bit of you makes me your man."

- We discover a spa without bubbles is just an awkward communal bath.
- We discuss Nobody’s surprising choice for ‘the ultimate man’.
- Ben gets compared to Wolverine and we devise a new dating app based tourism campaign.
- Ben buys dinner from someone who doesn’t understand the concept of ‘buy two get one free’ and Nobody outlays the girl math of buying tennis lessons.
- Nobody details her theory on men only coming in one size.
- We dive into the origins of Ben’s unfortunate nickname, Benis.
- Ben doesn’t understand why men and women’s shoe sizes are different.
- We dispense some advice to a redditor whose girlfriend says everyone’s name but his in bed.
- We advise a man who sent porn to his friends, family and co-workers.
- We help a guy who made his girlfriend have visions during sex.

"I'm talkin' racks on top of racks. And stacks on top of that."

- Ben raises an eyebrow at the weather app’s claims of reaching 98 percent humidity.
- The Gävle Goat lives to see the new year but not unscathed.
- We get an actual witch to weigh in on the female mage emoji.
- Ben’s grandpa finds an unorthodox way to dry his stowaway cat during his time in the navy.
- Ben asks whether you’d jaywalk in front of a seeing eye dog in training.
- Ben joins Bumble and provides a dating app update.
- We experiment with wearing our socks on the wrong feet.
- Nobody gets stared at by her Vietnamese masseurs while she undresses.
- Nobody’s friend discovers his butt is a huge hit in China.

"Everybody get dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb."

- Ben realises he needs to value his time more highly after going on massive hunt for an ATM.
- Nobody’s car gets a flat battery, which kicks off a massive altercation with a stubborn road crew worker.
- Ben gets ushered to his very important lunch meeting at Parliament House.
- Ben is saddened to learn that the local croissant ravioli store may not be opening after all. However a new business is taking in its place.
- We check in on the Gävle goat.
- Nobody ventures into the realm of running socks and misses her high school boyfriend’s amazing sock.
- Ben suggests an ice breaker for when you meet someone who’s writing a PhD.

"Fade into you. Strange you never knew."

- We debate whether it’s okay to jaywalk in front of children.
- Nobody gets stung on the butt by a bee, so we discuss bee’s vs humans and Candyman.
- We do our annual check in on the Gävle goat and plot the crimes we would commit if there were zero consequences.
- Ben wants to know if an invite on an unused credit means he’s getting a free ticket.
- The Squid Game: The Challenge contestants biggest struggle turns out to be chapped lips.
- Ben provides an update on his dating app journey.
- We do an emoji audit on the ‘female mage’ emoji.
- Nobody recounts the saga of getting a flight home from America.

"We've got the ocean, got the babes, got the sun, we've got the waves"

- Ben is deeply disappointed in his new mouthwash.
- Curt provides some listener feedback and Spotify Wrapped is out for another year.
- Nobody describes her partners ‘bathroom melange’ and she wants warning labels on body wash.
- Ben is unimpressed with Chemist Warehouse’s lucky dips.
- We attempt to decipher Ben’s mum’s latest text message about ‘Stollen Picnics’.
- Ben’s mum (somehow) misses the Melbourne Cup.
- Nobody discusses her trip to America and gives her thoughts on the Vegas sphere.
- We talk self-driving cars and robots in L.A.
- We discuss smoking, fresh air, gambling and hidden fees in Vegas.
- We debate which celebrities the Australian coins would be.

"You and me together in a Tinderbox"

- We explore what annoys Nobody and her neighbour’s eclectic playlist.
- Ben swallows a big mint and gets its full caloric intake.
- Ben joins Tinder and we do a deep dive on dating apps.
- We swipe on some Tinder profiles and do Ben’s top picks.
- We discuss matching with people you know in real life.
- Ben goes on his first Tinder date.
- Nobody gets vaccinated and her husband runs out of a restaurant.

"Baby, I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the grey"

- We discuss replacing water fountain jugs, the joys of piercing the lid of a tube of ointment and Nobody’s Netflix related injury.
- We discuss flavoured water as we overanalyse the ingredients of La Croix and the lyrics of Kiss from a Rose.
- Nobody struggles with weight loss and Ben’s still fixated on the tooth he lost as a child.
- Nobody doesn’t understand how people fall asleep without meaning to.
- Nobody loses her jewellery at an arcade and is saved by a low paid superhero.

"I feel a little poke coming through, on you"

- We strategise the best way to fight a horse sized chicken.
- A ‘reality based’ Krav Maga dojo catches Ben’s attention.
- Marge Simpsons and The Berenstain Bears make us feel old.
- Nobody’s friend defends their house with a raging hard on.
- We revisit the concept of the best way to wear a towel after a shower.
- Nobody is having running etiquette woes.
- We weigh in on the AmITheAsshole party sub scenario.
- We provide some relationship advice to an eyebrow eater and nude photo retoucher.

"Just lift your eyes and follow the sun" - We agree that a secluded Maldives honeymoon sounds like hell. - Ben wonders if there’s a better way to wrap yourself in a towel after a shower. - Nobody is flying too close to the sun by making and then immediately cancelling plans to hang out. - In an attempt to hone her gaming abilities, Nobody completes the entirety of the game she was playing with Ben without him. - Emoji audit: We revisit the white hair emoji. - We discuss eating cold ravioli and microwave woes.

"Tell your boyfriend if he says he’s got beef, that I'm a vegetarian and I ain't fucking scared of him!"

- We reflect on our ‘hot years’.
- Nobody asks her partner if he could be in a throuple and whether he would still love her as a snail.
- Ben has a beef with Schnitz and their supposed life hacks.
- Nobody refuses to walk downstairs...any stairs…even made-up ones.
- Ben tells the tale of his high school math test heist.
- Emoji audit: The love hotel and white-haired people.
- Nobody is disappointed that Frozen’s big summer blowout isn’t as big as she remembered.
- Nobody eats chocolate out of Ben’s trash.
- We giggle at the influx of VAG and CLT license plates.
- Nobody memorises a license plate from a Canadian TV show in case her memory gets erased.

"Never was a cornflake girl."

- We debate which is the riskiest bedside table drawer to open.
- We ramble about corn on the cob holders, forcing yourself to like foods and the effects of caffeine.
- We discuss kitchen drawer preferences and finding stuff in other people’s houses.
- Ben observes the worst Subway sandwich order ever.
- Get rich quick schemes: The gym rowing challenge.
- Get rich quick schemes: Cryogenic freezing.
- Get rich quick schemes: Therapy and the club bathroom experience.
- Get rich quick schemes: The dishwasher cooling cycle.

"If you like piña coladas and gettin' caught in the rain..."

- We overanalyse the lyrics of Escape (The Piña Colada Song).
- Ben’s mum picks an unfortunate time to share her thoughts on the podcast.
- We ponder what part of the pig a pork shoulder is from.
- Ben’s AI reads A Christmas Carol and sings New York, New York.
- Nobody’s partner wants a Batmobile but gets an unfortunate substitute.
- Ben has yet another run in with the rollerblader and his gaydar may be better than we thought.
- Ben is ignoring the warning on his shepherd’s pie label.
- Emoji audit: The love heart emoji.
- Ben has an awkward interaction while being introduced to his new co-worker.

Buy Ben's sister's book at kirstenmoore.com.au

"Where did you come from? Where did you go?"

- We dissect the wisdom of King Solomon and Nobody recalls a story about a baby from reddit.
- Ben thinks it’s too easy to walk into hospitals.
- Nobody ends up in the hospital and has her UGG boots stolen.
- Ben recommends buying an apartment for the masculinity bonus.
- We revisit the ‘base system’ and propose an alternative ‘sex star’ system instead.
- Ben thinks the bunny ears shoe tying technique just needs an adult rebrand.

"It's about damn time!"

- We discuss the current trends in body hair and handjobs.
- Ben gets hit on by a gay rollerblader.
- Nobody recaps an AmITheAsshole about a guy professing his love on the eve of his crush’s wedding.
- We have a lot of awkward interactions with the people in our buildings.
- Ben needs streaming apps to back off after watching the Barry finale.

"The last plane out of Sydney’s almost gone."

- Ben is intrigued by Ol’ Dirty Bastard’s Wikipedia page.
- We discuss Sacagawea, Shaun Micallef and hosting late night talk shows.
- SMSiquette: We reflect on text message misunderstandings, starting fights over text and more.
- Nobody wonders how her teenage brother could relate to the lyrics of Cold Chisel.
- Ben’s sister wants to know whether he’d date someone with a tail.
- Ben puts a spotlight on the ‘person in steamy room’ emoji.
- We talk Fitbit sleep scores and Ben gets an Apple Watch.

"The sun has gone down and the moon has come up…"

- We face a real midnight crisis as we struggle with insomnia and discuss famous screams.
- Ben asks how dry a towel needs to be when it comes out of the dryer and shrinks his Download Festival tee.
- Ben gleefully daydreams about breaking the protocol of having family meals at the dinner table.
- We debate the best and worst of Cadbury Favourites and Arnott’s Assorted Creams biscuits.
- We revel in the glory of the ANZAC Day KFC bounty.
- We discuss bad passport photos and launch our newest business venture, Can you live with this? photography.
- Nobody’s partners grandpa is presumed dead when attempting to get a new birth certificate.

"The Vengabus is coming and everybody’s jumping."

- Ben doesn’t understand Baby On Board signs.
- We discuss following your dreams late in life.
- Ben reacts to being cast in the lead role of a romantic comedy.
- Ben gets roped into a plumbing emergency at his mum’s house.
- Ben poses a salsa hypothetical.
- We play The Vengaboys Ultimate Setlist Game.
- Ben runs into a Billie Eilish lookalike and Nobody bumps into Adam Levine in Tokyo.

"I only got ten likes in the last five minutes. Do you think I should take it down?"

- Ben suffers an embarrassing shoulder injury.
- We go to the 4DX cinema and someone (possibly) falls out of their seat.
- Social Media etiquette, aka. SMetiquette: Do you ‘like’ Facebook Stories?
- Ben recalls the time he went up against a vacuum cleaner and lost.
- Ben’s co-worker begrudgingly accepts his Facebook friend request.
- Nobody spends the night in a haunted house in South Australia.