Polyamory Weekly

What do you do when your long-distance partners move into town, and you find yourself with too many partners and too little time?

0:00 Introduction and host chat

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:15 Poly in the news

What is polyamory? This is what it’s really like to have multiple partners. Heath Schechinger is one of the leaders of the new Consensual Non-Monogamy Task Force within the American Psychological Association. They're getting stuff done to advance professional understanding of us and our needs.

2:30 Topic: Help! I’m polysaturated!

Paul writes in as a relative poly newbie who finds himself with more local partners than he can manage. We advise that it’s OK (and in fact, usually required!) to take time for yourself and love yourself first, figure out how you would ideally spend your time (putting your own needs first), and then share that information with your partners to see if that meets their needs and let them decide if they can live with that.  

12:45 Happy poly moment

• Heath Schechinger writes in to share a happy poly moment about bringing up relationship orientation as part of the intake process at his clinic.
• Jim shares a fun story about his teenage son feeling comfortable enough to ask for personal lubricant—and to ask for his mom’s boyfriend to come by (and no, those two things aren’t related!)

16:30 Thank  you!

Welcome Abraham, Jim, and Eric as our newest Poly Weekly Playmates!

16:45 How to make this podcast better

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. If you want us to teach a class at your event, want us to coach you, or want to appear on the podcast, email lustyguy@polyweekly.com.

Friend us on Twitter or Facebook, leave a comment here. Check out Poly Weekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write a review on Apple Podcasts!  Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”

Lawyer Melissa Hall shares exciting news about the new parentage act being enacted in Washington state and hopefully, beyond.

0:00 Introduction and host chat

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 Host chat and announcements

Let’s talk about the new Netflix show, Wanderlust. **SPOILERS FROM 4:30-9:30**

9:30 Poly in the news

Teen Vogue hits it out of the park again.

10:30 Interview: Melissa Hall on new, poly-friendly parentage laws in the U.S.

Melissa Hall shares updates to parentage laws in Washington state and adoptable throughout the U.S. The Parentage Act makes possible third-parent adoptions and establishes rules for de facto parentage. This enables third- (or fourth!)-parent adoptions. “Uniform law” means they’ll push to enact in all 50 states.

New definitions of de facto parenting mean that the court can recognize people as parents when both the adult and kid see the kid as a parent, even if they aren’t a legal parent. Find Melissa on Twitter at @vrimj, online at www.Smol-law.com or via email at Melissa@smollaw.com.

24:15 Feedback

Alana writes in about episode 560 Poly and pregnant, saying that they had to revert to monogamy during her pregnancy due to hormones, stress, and the insecurities that surfaced.

26:15 Happy poly moment

Louise in the U.K. writes in to share a story of going from being lonely and polyunsaturated to being in the middle of a long squiggly polycule and full of NRE.

28:15 How to make this podcast better

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. If you want us to teach a class at your event, want us to coach you, or want to appear on the podcast, email lustyguy@polyweekly.com.

Friend us on Twitter or Facebook, leave a comment here. Check out Poly Weekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write a review on Apple Podcasts!  Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”

Kevin Patterson and Alana Phelan have come out with a new superhero novel in which queerness, polyamory, and people of color are normalized.

0:00 Introduction and host chat

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 Host chat and announcements

Poly Big Fun, an annual workshop and retreat for people who identify as polyamorous, will take place virtually on November 10th, 2018. Franklin Veaux will be presenting “My abuser is Woke: Recognizing abuse when an abuser is skilled in the language of social justice.” Joreth Innkeeper will be presenting “Breaking up in the poly community.” Visit www.polybigfun.com to register and find out more.

3:00 Interview: a poly superhero fiction work

Kevin Patterson and Alana Phelan give us a taste of their new book, a superhero novel in centered on queer, poly people of color. Finally, a love triangle in which the existence of the triangle isn’t the source of conflict! In this world, “operators” are the dirtier, heroes-for-hire in a world where law-abiding superheroes get all the press. What happens when a superhero and an operator are in a relationship?

Release is October 12, 2018 on Amazon; release party is October 24 at 6:00 in Philadelphia at Amalgam Comics and Coffee House. Alana is The Polyamorous Librarian online, on Facebook, and Patreon. Find Kevin as Poly Role Models on Tumblr, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Patreon.

Follow For Hire on Facebook and Twitter.

27:30 Thanks

Thanks to Miryam for becoming our latest PW Playmate!

27:45 How to make this podcast better

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. If you want us to teach a class at your event, want us to coach you, or want to appear on the podcast, email lustyguy@polyweekly.com.

Friend us on Twitter or Facebook, leave a comment here. Check out Poly Weekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write a review on Apple Podcasts!  Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”

If my partner wants to date a long-time monogamous friend without her partner's explicit consent, how to I object without imposing my ethics on my partner?

0:00 Introduction and host chat

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

2:00 Where do my ethics end and my partner’s begin?

Kate calls is uncomfortable with her partner’s new person of interest (POI), who is a lifetime friend and in a monogamous relationship. The POI says she is bringing up poly with her partner, and Kate, her partner, and the POI are currently negotiating physical contact for an upcoming meeting to discuss Kate’s partner and the POI’s relationship. Kate is worried about violating the POI’s relationship agreement with her mono partner.

• We both see this essentially as cheating, and we don’t think it’s a good idea for your partner to ask you to watch him cheat.
• Having meeting that doesn’t include the POI’s partner is duplicitous (or “skeevy”, as Minx calls it)
• Can you trust a partner who is willing to violate someone else’s relationship agreement?
• You can’t tell a grown-ass adult what to do, but you can control your own behavior. You can choose not to participate in the meeting, to insist on talking to the POI’s partner before the meeting to ensure transparency and consent, or you can choose to leave your existing relationship.

15:45 How to make this podcast better

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. If you want us to teach a class at your event, want us to coach you, or want to appear on the podcast, email lustyguy@polyweekly.com.

Friend us on Twitter or Facebook, leave a comment here. Check out Poly Weekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write a review on Apple Podcasts!  Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”

If our relationship is healthy, and I want more sex and to explore my bisexuality, will poly work for us?

0:00 Introduction and host chat

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

• What’s been going on with Minx, why we went on an unexpected hiatus (physical therapy for osteoarthritis).
• We’re leaving for a 10-day vacation in Paris!
• And we’ll be in Hawaii in January

9:30 Can poly work for a sexual mismatch?

Bryan is a bisexual man in Germany who loves his healthy relationship with his girlfriend of four years, except for one thing—he wants sex daily; she wants sex once a month. Can poly work for their sexual mismatch of their otherwise healthy relationship?

• Yes, it can, if your relationship is otherwise healthy.
• Unless what you really want is not more sex but more sex with your girlfriend--that won’t work.
• Keep aware that even if you say you just want sex and no love/relationship—life doesn’t work like that.
• Consider sex workers if you really just want more sex with no danger of anyone falling in love with anyone else. German FKK clubs are wonderful.
• If you decide sex workers aren’t for you, take some time to discuss what you’re afraid of. Explore these discussions over time and while you’re in different moods, over weeks or even months.
• Do your research, find more books to read. Find your community.

22:30 Happy Poly Moment

R shares a cookie-baking happy poly moment.

25:30 How to make this podcast better

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. If you want us to teach a class at your event, want us to coach you, or want to appear on the podcast, email lustyguy@polyweekly.com.

Friend us on Twitter or Facebook, leave a comment here. Check out Poly Weekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write a review on Apple Podcasts!  Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”

Chloé is pregnant and now feeling possessive of her husband. Should she ask her metamour to find someone else to date so she's not so in love with Chloé's husband?

0:00 Introduction and host chat

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

2:00 Poly in the news

An article came out in TIME Magazine, What Monogamous Couples Can Learn from Polyamorous Relationships, According to Experts, and it’s amazingly good! Here’s how poly folks can school monos, according to the article:

• Communication
• Defining the relationship
• Practicing safe sex
• Managing jealousy
• Maintaining a sense of independence

Read Alan’s writeup of this article as well as his exhaustive roundup post of similar past articles.

14:00 Poly and pregnant

Chloé and her husband each have a long-distance relationship outside their own, which they see a few times a year. She is now pregnant and feeling more territorial about her husband. She’s finding she wants her metamour not to be so in love with Chloé’s husband and to find her “own” primary.

• Your feelings won’t change if your metamour finds someone else, because they are YOUR feelings. Your insecurity is yours to own and manage.
• Try the And then what jealousy exercise as well as reviewing the other content we’ve done on jealousy.
• Look inwards to your own feelings instead of outward at your metamour.
• Your instinct to find a poly support network. Look both in life and online; we recommend the Poly Families Yahoo group.
• Phone, video, or in-person are the best media for relationship conversations.

22:30 Feedback

Friggin Limey wrote a response to episode 558 on deciding when to give up on poly. He has given up on poly and decided that monogamy is what he needs.

24:30 Happy Poly Moment

Kimberly writes in with a happy poly moment about her partner moving in with the family! She also asks about when and how to come out at work with her new job—should she bring her poly family to the “bring your family” event occurring before she starts?

31:15 Thank you!

Welcome to Matthew and Jeff as new Poly Weekly Playmates!

32:00 How to make this podcast better

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. If you want us to teach a class at your event, want us to coach you, or want to appear on the podcast, email lustyguy@polyweekly.com.

Friend us on Twitter or Facebook, leave a comment here. Check out Poly Weekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write a review on Apple Podcasts!  Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”

How to cope when your partners buy a house and consider adopting a teenager with little to no input from you.

0:00 Introduction and host chat

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 Host chat

• Thanks toMiss Fisher Con 2018 for hosting us. You should sign up for next year’s mailing list!
• Listen to episode 558 to find out more about our sex-positive panel at Miss Fisher Con 2018 and more about the event itself.

2:00 My partners are making life decisions without me

A listener wrote in to ask what to do. He is a queer male in a quad. Seven years ago, he and his partner T moved to be in the same city as W and E. They had talked off and on about cohabitation, and recently W and E decided to get a bigger house that would accommodate the four of them. W and E decided on budget and location and showed their final choice to our letter writer and his partner, which left him feeling excluded from the decision-making process. Later on, he asked about some jokes W and E were making, and it turns out they were considering adopting a teenager, which until recently would have been a deal-breaker for him. He shut down and curled into a ball. He wants to confront them, but he fears losing the relationship.

• It’s helpful not to think of this as a confrontation but instead a transparency session where everyone gets to say what they think and feel in a safe space.
• Focus on behaviors, not on assumptions about what those behaviors might mean. When you were bothered by your perception that W and E thought that the final home tour would be sufficient, own that you are talking about perceptions instead of actual communication.
• Own your own sh*t and ask for what you want. You never indicated that you actually told them how and when or even that you wanted to be involved in the home-buying process—it’s your job to ask for that participation in so many words.
• Assume goodwill all around. If you haven’t specified what you want, it’s best to assume others’ intentions are good.
• This is a great time to begin the habit of full disclosure. Communicate early and often. State expectations expressly instead of keeping them to yourself.

16:30 Happy Poly Moment

Alan writes in about trying poly because his wife wanted to date an old college boyfriend. He found a special friend at a poly event and they spent a lovely weekend together during which he got to meet his metamours and had a fun poly family experience.

18:30 Thank you!

Welcome to Tara, Christopher, Katherine, Nicola, Kerry, Elizabeth, Tony, and Heidi as new Poly Weekly Playmates!

19:00 How to make this podcast better

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. If you want us to teach a class at your event, want us to coach you, or want to appear on the podcast, email lustyguy@polyweekly.com.

Friend us on Twitter or Facebook, leave a comment here. Check out Poly Weekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write a review on Apple Podcasts!  Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”

Allison Moon cohosts this episode offering advice to a listener who wants to know when to give up on polyamory that is making everyone unhappy.

0:00 Introduction and host chat

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 Host chat

• Welcome to today’s cohost, Allison Moon, author of Girl Sex 101 and Bad Dyke. Their new podcast is Artgasm.
• Allison, Liz Powell, Bianca and I did a fun panel on sex-positivity at Miss Fisher Con 2018! We had such a fantastic time and learned a lot. So grateful for that opportunity, and we learned a lot! You should sign up for next year’s mailing list!
• And listen to the Miss Fisher Philes podcast if you’re also a fan of the show; their Tumblr is here.

11:00 When to give up on polyamory

A listener wrote in to ask when to give up on polyamory. They had been married for 10 years and opened up because they both liked the idea; they read all the books; already made all the mistakes; wrote their user manuals; and they both love the idea. But they have yet to feel compersion and now often go to bed sobbing or angry, and the husband is going through depressive episodes. When do you give up on polyamory?

• In general, if a relationship structure isn’t making you a happier and healthier version of yourself, it’s OK to go back to one that is
• If your reason for trying polyamory isn’t extremely compelling, maybe it isn’t right for you—don’t try to force something that feels wrong to you
• How are you measuring success? Consider measuring success by lessons learned or happiness rather than by ability to “get” a partner or by the absence of jealousy.
• All the emotions you feel are OK. Quit judging yourself for having emotions and instead use them to increase your self knowledge. Try the And then what
• Ignore the “sunk costs” fallacy—everything you’ve done so far will make you better at any relationship, so don’t continue only because you feel you’ve invested so much in poly. You’ve invested that in YOU!

25:00 How to make this podcast better

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. Friend us on Twitter or Facebook, leave a comment here. Check out Poly Weekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write a review on Apple Podcasts!  Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”

We chat with Kat Stark, blogger, podcaster, and author of Yelling in Pasties: the Wet Coast Confessions of an Anxious Slut

0:00 Introduction and host chat

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 Host chat

• Episode 555 intro music has been fixed—thanks to those who wrote in to let me know of the error
• Thank you to everyone who bought our books—we’re coming to Paris this fall, thanks to your purchases!
• Come to the Life on the Swingset LGBTQIA+ takeover of the Desire Resort Riviera Maya in Cancún, Mexico! There will be live nude karaoke, demos of pegging, fisting, and flogging, speed dating, orgies and gang bangs and more! Find out more at com

5:45 Interview: Kat Stark

Kat Stark is a blogger and sex toy reviewer for OnTheWetCoast.com, they co-host the On The Wet Coast podcast, and have lent their voice as audiobook narrator for Cooper Beckett’s novels A Life Less Monogamous and Approaching The Swingularity.  They are a genderqueer, sex-positive, geeky, non-monogamous, Canadian, queer, bisexual, deviant, slutty, feminist pervert.

We talk about why they wrote their new book, Yelling In Pasties: The Wet Coast Confessions of an Anxious Slut and what it’s like to open up a relationship, question one’s gender identity, and deal with anxiety in one’s mid-40s.

You can find them on Twitter as @WetcoastKat on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/WetcoastKat and on Instagram as kat.stark.

28:30 Happy poly moment

Lala writes in about a wonderful experience with a person whom she’s been dating for six weeks.

30:30 Thank you!

Thanks to new Playmates Stacy and Kimberly, and thanks to Ulrike for the one-time donation!

31:00 How to make this podcast better

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. Friend us on Twitter or Facebook, leave a comment here. Check out Poly Weekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write a review on Apple Podcasts!  Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”

A listener writes in to ask why she was surprised with her partner's dating someone else, even with shared calendars.

0:00 Introduction and host chat

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 Host chat

The Netflix Party Chrome plugin lets you watch the same Netflix show simultaneously at different locations, and it has a chat feature!

3:00 Are shared calendars enough?

A listener is in a closed triad of eight months, joining a married couple (D and Y) of eight years in everyone’s first poly relationship. They only started sharing calendars two weeks ago, and our listener saw a date night on their shared calendar on our listener’s regular Friday date night. It turns out it was a couple D and Y had met previously, decided to have drinks with, and decided not to invite our listener. Our listener felt surprised and wanted to know how to handle scheduling with multiple partners.

• It’s not unusual to feel bad about having someone else’s date night sprung on them as a surprise. Calendars are no substitute for communication.
• Since you just started sharing calendars, let’s assume goodwill all around and chalk it up to a communication glitch. D and Y might just have fallen into their old couple communications patterns. Minx has had a hard time breaking her solo-poly decision-making patterns, so let’s take this as an opportunity to address a habit that might need to change.
• Never assume; always ask.
• If you want a standing date night, ask for it explicitly and ask for how you want it changed when changes are necessary.
• Calendar changes are great opportunities to do relationship check-ins to see how everyone is feeling about the current relationships.
• You get to have a say in dates and relationships that affect you. The Relationship Bill of Rights.
• It’s generally better to give someone the option to say no rather than to assume the answer would be no and not invite them.

13:45 Happy poly moment

Natalie writes in with an adorable happy poly moment about her anniversary!

16:15 How to make this podcast better

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. Friend us on Twitter or Facebook, leave a comment here. Check out Poly Weekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write a review on Apple Podcasts!  Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”

A listener writes in to ask how to weed out the jerks when dating.

0:00 Introduction and host chat

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 Host chat

• You’ve got me solo because LustyGuy and L are on vacation
• GREAT hanging out with Kevin Patterson on his Love’s Not Color Blind book tour

3:10 How to weed out the jerks

Heather writes in to ask whether she should leave “poly” off her dating profile, since the last few guys either dumped her for someone else or might have been lying about being divorced. How does one weed out the creeps when dating?

• Poly is no guarantee of easy dating, any more than monogamy is
• Tips from No Dick Pics: Your Guide to Creating an Irresistible Online Dating Profile
  • Define what polyamory means to you and state specifically how you practice it
  • Try putting in a “test”—link to your user manual and ask a question from it to weed out anyone who hasn’t read it. Or put in a quote from your favorite movie and request that respondents put the title of the movie as their message subject—that way, you can see immediately if they took enough time to read directions or not.
  • Set dating goals that are independent of other people’s actions, such as “go on five dates this month” or “meet with my friend to sift through messages together” or “spend one night a week on self-care”
  • Go do thing you love; be your best and happiest self

15:15 Feedback

Kim calls in to keep Minx honest

16:15 How to make this podcast better

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. Friend us on Twitter or Facebook, leave a comment here. Check out Poly Weekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write a review on Apple Podcasts!  Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”

Dr. Liz Powell shares advice on dealing with grief and loss in relationships

0:00 Introduction and host chat

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 Announcements

We had a great time and debuted our new class,, The Art of the Breakup, at RelateCon in Boise, Idaho. Thanks for having us!

3:00 Dealing with grief and loss in relationships

Dr. Liz Powell shares insights from her class at RelateCon on dealing with grief and loss in relationships, both in terms of death and of breakups. Find out more about her, her work, and her upcoming book at SexPositivePsych.com and BuildingOpenRelationships.com

34:00 Thank you!

Thanks to Heather and Michael for their generous donations this week!

34:45 How to make this podcast better

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. Friend us on Twitter or Facebook, leave a comment here. Check out Poly Weekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write a review on Apple Podcasts!  Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”

What if my metamour won't meet me? My metamour asked my partner to uninvite me to an event he'd invited me to to avoid meeting me, and now I feel displaced.

0:00 Introduction and host chat

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 Announcements

• We had a great time at Southwest Love Fest April 6-8
• We’re also debuting a new class, The Art of the Breakup, at RelateCon April 25-27 in Boise, Idaho

5:00 What if my metamour won’t meet me?

Nick from New Orleans wants to meet his metamours, but his partner’s lovers don’t want to meet him, and she would typically break up with them before he got the chance.

• Figure out your own personal boundaries and how important it is to you.
• With the understanding that you can’t force anyone to meet you, express your needs and personal boundaries/limits around meeting metamours to your partner. Give her the chance to know your needs, which she can then communicate BEFORE she starts dating someone instead of after.
• Check out the Relationship Bill of Rights. 

Rose is a straight cis woman with two partners, one local, and one, Greg, who lives a few hours away. His other partner Alice is monogamous, out-of-state, only tolerates Rose’s existence, and refuses to meet Rose until Rose and Greg break up. Greg recently invited Rose to an event, and Alice asked him to un-invite her so that Alice could enjoy the event with Greg.

• Relationship Bill of Rights. You can say “no” to the request, perhaps with a counter-offer that you take this event, and she takes the next one. Begin negotiations. You have the right to seek compromise.
• You have an equal say in what your relationship with Greg will look like. Same for your relationship with Alice. And you have a right not to be treated as subordinate to anyone else in the relationship.
• It’s important to discuss behaviors (Greg’s uninviting you) and the emotions you feel around that, but resist the urge to assume motivations behind Alice’s behavior.
• Having the hinge of the vee do all the communication with the edges of the vee is problematic. Every play “telephone”? Open communication will prevent a lot of drama.

24:00 Feedback

Anonymous asks if women experience a post-coital bliss state similar to that following male orgasm after a squirting orgasm.

27:30 Happy poly moment

A listener wrote in to share the joys of dating your species!

31:00 How to make this podcast better

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. Friend us on Twitter or Facebook, leave a comment here. Check out Poly Weekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write a review on Apple Podcasts!  Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”

Cesar's wife told him she missed him and then left to be with her lover. Is the solution to tell her not to say she misses him?

0:00 Introduction and host chat

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 Announcements

• We’ll be teaching Painless Poly Dating 101 and Poly Pitfalls: Fixing Things When They Break at Southwest Love Fest April 6-8
• We’re also debuting a new class, The Art of the Breakup, at RelateCon April 25-27 in Boise, Idaho
• Professor Marsten and the Wonder Women is now available for streaming on Hulu
• And in related news, Minx gave herself permission to stop reading The Secret History of Wonder Woman and opt instead to start a new book more focused on a feminist hero, Americanah

7:45 Poly in the News

A poly quad was on the Today show on March 1 and holy crap it was great

10:00 My wife chose her lover over me

Cesar called in to ask for advice. His wife opened up their relationship and has a “fuckbuddy.” Cesar has four jobs; she has one. Time together is at a minimum. When she picked him up one night, she told him she missed him and then left to spend the night with her other partner. Cesar got mad, asked her not to tell him she missed him if she was going to leave. He feels she should have spent the evening with him having makeup sex instead of with her other partner.

• Was her date a surprise? If so, talk about minimizing surprises by discussing scheduling and changes to the schedule in advance.
• Did you decide together to open up the relationship, or did your wife make the decision to open up? If the latter, you will have a lot of additional feelings to unpack.
• Let her be the expert on her. Believe your partner when she expresses her feelings and vulnerability. Accusing her of lying is responding to her vulnerability with aggression.
• Never tell a partner to stop telling you how they feel! Try responding to her “I miss you” with “I miss you, too. When can we make time for each other?” Or try using the “when you ____, I feel ___” structure to share your feelings about what she just said.
• Don’t borrow trouble. Stop imaging the worst.
• Ask for what you want. Have you asked for more time with her?
• She didn’t skip makeup sex with you because you hadn’t made up! You’ve made up when you both have a shared understanding of the conflict, you’ve both apologized for your contributions to it, and you have both agreed on specific actions to prevent it in the future.

27:30 How to make this podcast better

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. Friend us on Twitter or Facebook, leave a comment here. Check out Poly Weekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write a review on Apple Podcasts!  Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”

Is it OK to date someone who doesn't communicate well if he's all that's available and I like him?

0:00 Introduction and host chat

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 Announcements

• Take the Relations Decisions Lab survey and click Participants>Open Relationship survey if you are currently monogamous and looking to open up your relationship
• Come to Poly Dallas Millennium in Dallas this year!

4:15 Listener question: is it OK to date the strong, silent type?

Copper is in a rural area of Alaska and met a guy that she experienced a strong connection with, but he’s not very communicative, and she’s afraid of oversharing. How does she mesh the “poly culture” of emotional intelligence and communication with the “Alaskan culture” of not communicating around emotions?

• Lusty Guy says it’s not about cultures but about what YOU need. And do you really want to date someone who blew you off?
• Minx says “you do you.” Be yourself. He might not be afraid of your oversharing—you won’t know until you try.
• Fuck poly community standards—do you need someone who communicates well? If not, go to it! If you are OK dating someone you can’t share your shit with or just need Mr. Right Now, go right ahead.

16:00 How to make this podcast better

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. Friend us on Twitter or Facebook, leave a comment here. Check out Poly Weekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write a review on Apple Podcasts!  Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”

Ben Shenker, a lawyer practicing in Maryland and D.C., answers your poly questions

0:00 Introduction and host chat

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 Announcements

• Take the Relations Decisions Lab survey and click Participants>Open Relationship survey if you are currently monogamous and looking to open up your relationship
• We’ll be at Southwest Love Fest next month!

3:15 Ask Benjamin Shenker, a poly lawyer

Listeners call and write in to ask:

• Besides an LLC, how can more than two people own property together? (LLC, partnership, corporation, trust or a tenancy in common)
• If my ex has remarried in a more traditional arrangement and my long-term poly partner is married (not to me), does that put me at risk of losing custody of my kids?
• Is claiming a second legal marriage the only way to be prosecuted for polygamy?
• What are some of the ways to get marriage benefits without being legally married?

Find him at polyamory.law or on Twitter at @polyamorylawyer or Facebook at Law Office of Benjamin Shenker.

NCSF is a resource if you need help with child custody issues.

31:00 How to make this podcast better

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. Friend us on Twitter or Facebook, leave a comment here. Check out Poly Weekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write a review on Apple Podcasts!  Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”

Diana Ryan and Kieland McClellan advise on how to get the most out of swinging as a person of color.

0:00 Introduction and host chat

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 Announcements

Email PolyLoveStudy@gmail.com if you are 18 or over, live in Canada or the US, are poly with at least one partner, and are willing to participate in a study that requires 12 monthly surveys.

2:30 How to get what you want out of swinging

Diana Ryan and Kieland McClellan give advice to a listener who doesn’t feel welcome in most swinging spaces in Wisconsin and who keeps encountering women interested in her man but not in her.

• See who you vibe with and ignore the rest
• Ask the host to introduce you to people
• If there is a Facebook group, chat people up there first and invite them to say hello when they see you at the live events
• Consider reassessing only playing together—maybe playing separately in the same room?
• Or consider kink events, where people can be more open-minded

Find Diana on her website, 360 Life Skills, on Twitter at @ch1pmunkryan, Facebook at 360 Coaching & Counseling, and Instagram at with_coach_di. Kieland is available on Facebook at Keiland McClanahan or via email at mailto:thelifestyleentertainmentgrp@gmail.com.

27:45 Happy poly moment

Jai writes in to share her happy sisterhood poly moment after episode 544.

29:00 How to make this podcast better

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. Friend us on Twitter or Facebook, leave a comment here. Check out Poly Weekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write a review on Apple Podcasts!  Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”

Brenda Wiebe discusses her new book, Catch & Release: How I Used Science to Hack My Love Life

0:00 Introduction and host chat

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:15 Announcements

• Catch & Release: How I Used Science to Hack My Love Life is out now!
• Please support Kitty Chambliss’ Patreon for her new podcast on Love Without Boundaries

3:20 Poly in the News

• Hidden Brain does a podcast on marriage that mentions consensual nonmonogamy
• com article on a poly dad
• Polyamory in Iceland

8:05 Brenda Weibe: Catch & Release: How I Used Science to Hack My Love Life

Brenda Wiebe currently lives in downtown Salt Lake City with her partner. She completed two back to back masters’ programs, one in sociology and the other in anthropology. She taught courses at the college level for both subjects. She has also given presentations about polyamory to poly/swinger/kink communities and at a conference about polyamory called RelateCon. Currently, her full time job is social work geared toward helping vulnerable adults.     

Three years ago she began working on Catch and Release: How I Used Science to Hack My Love Life where she uses her skills as a researcher of sociology and anthropology to write a review of different relationship patterns throughout human history; as well as, a summary of some of the leading current research on relationships. Intermingled throughout the science is the story of her journey to polyamory. Her goal is to explain how cultural pressures and religious indoctrination have created the current mainstream monogamous model that is so prevalent in today’s society and offer an alternative.

When she’s not writing or working, Brenda enjoys reading fantasy novels, drinking the beer her partner brews, and wandering in the mountains when the weather is nice.

Brenda is at nonmonogblog.com and on Twitter as blwiebe69 and Facebook at B.L. Wiebe and Instagram at blwiebe

Her book is Catch & Release: How I Used Science to Hack My Love Life.

31:00 Happy poly moment

Nancy in Cleveland writes in to share nine months of Happy Poly Moments around organizing her local poly group

33:00 How to make this podcast better

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. Friend us on Twitter or Facebook, leave a comment here. Check out Poly Weekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write a review on Apple Podcasts!  Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”

How to you reassure your new poly partner when you're going to be 8,000 miles away for the next three years?

0:00 Introduction and host chat

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:15 Announcements

• Congratulations to Brooklynn Clark on winning an advance copy of Love’s Not Color Blind: Race and Representation in Polyamorous and Other Alternative Communities
• We'll be at Southwest Love Festin Tucson, AZ April 7-9
• And we'll be at RelateCon in Boise, ID April 27-29

3:15 Listener question: how do I give reassurances in my long-distance relationship?

Veronica calls in to ask how to reassure her new poly partner who is now 8,000 miles away. Won’t this become a problem when they start seeing other people over the next three years? Minx says to ask her partner what he needs and to say what you need; LustyGuy says not to borrow trouble for something that isn’t yet an issue.

14:45 Feedback

Maria calls in to call Minx out on referring to LustyGuy as “already trained.”

18:00 Happy poly moment

Melissa writes in to share a happy poly moment as to how a solo poly partner can help enrich her partner and metamour’s relationship!

20:25 How to make this podcast better

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. Friend us on Twitter or Facebook, leave a comment here. Check out Poly Weekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write a review on Apple Podcasts!  Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”

Erich Viedge interviews Chris Deaton about polyamory and BDSM

0:00 Introduction and host chat

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:15 Announcements

• We'll be at Southwest Love Festin Tucson, AZ April 7-9
• And we'll be at RelateCon in Boise, ID April 27-29

2:00 Poly in the news

The tabloids are loving poly story packages

6:30 Interview: Chris Deaton on hierarchy and power dynamics in polyamory

Our South African correspondent Erich Viedge interviews researcher Chris Deaton on hierarchy and power dynamics in polyamory. He is doing a survey on how power exchange in BDSM poly relationships are reflected in poly relationships that might otherwise be egalitarian.

279 Polyamory and BDSM with Raven Kalera

538 Coming out to your kids with Casey Blake

28:00 How to make this podcast better

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. Friend us on Twitter or Facebook, leave a comment here. Check out Poly Weekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!  Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”