The Aquaboy Podcast

Never has a single television show been so shockingly horrendous that it forced the Aquaboys to wrestle with the fundamental nature of their existence. To wander blindfolded on the event horizon between a peaceful human life and reality-bending, cosmic-scale horror. "Thunder in Paradise" exists outside of any currently understood dimension, enthusiastically twisting the will, nay, the very life force of the viewer into an impenetrable and unsolvable emotional labyrinth. Listener, let this be a warning to you. If you continue on, you will bear witness to the power of "Thunder in Paradise" and its callous and inhuman treatment of any poor soul who decides to watch. To quote a battle-weary Aquaboy, "This show might destroy our podcast."

As the Aquaboys embark on 2024, they simply can't think of a better way to kick off another year of television torture than by diving headlong into this prime example of early '90s Hulk Hogan-centric silliness. Do they manage to find the makings of a decent show among the wrestler cameos, absurd dialogue, rampant bikini filler, and piss-poor acting? That's for you, the listener, to discover.  All that, AND we take a deep dive into cults, crosswalks, and the life and legacy of microphone #3.

Thunder in Paradise is an American action-adventure TV series from the creators of Baywatch, which stars Hulk Hogan, Chris Lemmon, and Carol Alt. Thunder in Paradise follows the adventures of two ex-United States Navy SEALs, Randolph J. "Hurricane" Spencer and Martin "Bru" Brubaker, who work as mercenaries out of their tropical resort headquarters along Florida's Gulf Coast of the United States. Using their futuristic, high-tech boat, nicknamed Thunder, they travel around the world fighting various criminals and villains. They must also balance their dangerous undercover work with their responsibilities of raising widower Spencer's young stepdaughter Jessica, who lives with them. 

(Recorded Live at Gus’s World-Famous Fried Chicken)
This episode is chuck full of Aquaboy firsts!  The Aquaboys record their first live show at their home-away-from-home, Gus’s Fried Chicken on Magnolia.  Also, for the first time in the history of the show, the Aquaboys voted to renew Manimal an unprecedented fifth time.  Why have they bestowed this honor on such a terrible show?  That’s for you the listener to discover.  But to help ease the pain of this god-awful show, the boys share their Secret Santa gifts with each other, Tony hosts a rock solid edition of Celebrity Highlights and Onscreen Wonders Bulletin Express and Brian drinks too much Red Stripe.   Happy Holidays!
       
Special thanks to Cub, Taylor and the entire Gus’s team at the Magnolia location for being such wonderful hosts.  Find out more about Gus’s here: https://www.gusfriedchicken.com/locations/fort-worth-texas

The Aquaboys are back, and now 100% of the crew has reasonably acceptable vocal ability.  The boys continue their slog through Manimal, and now it’s starting to feel like actual work.  On the plus side, this episode features considerably less warehouses.  On the downside, we’re still watching Manimal.   For those of you who prefer the banter versus actual show discussion, the new segment ‘Celebrity Highlights and Onscreen Wonders Bulletin Express’ makes a second appearance and solidifies itself as the place honest hard-working Americans go for breaking news on entertainment, pop culture, and actually good television.

You can find out more about our show,  at https://www.aquaboy.show/ - - yes, we have an actual website. 

(note: portions of this episode have been modified to protect the innocent)

Manimal is an American superhero television series created by Glen A. Larson and Donald R. Boyle, it ran on NBC from September 30 to December 17, 1983. The show centers on the character Jonathan Chase (Simon MacCorkindale), a shape-shifting man who can turn himself into any animal he chooses. He uses this ability to help the police solve crimes. The series ended after a brief eight episode run, but has since become a minor cult classic.

Faithful Aquaboy listener…there is good news and bad news to share.  First the good news…the Aquaboys have returned after a long medical-related hiatus.  The bad news…they are still watching this downright terrible show, Manimal.  New off-screen animal transformations, a tropical paradise setting, needlessly over-complicated puzzles, and deep state espionage are not enough to keep this mess from appealing to even the most merciful of viewers.  If you listen close, you'll notice the Aquaboys are losing interest fast.   But will they renew??  

Manimal is an American superhero television series created by Glen A. Larson and Donald R. Boyle, it ran on NBC from September 30 to December 17, 1983. The show centers on the character Jonathan Chase (Simon MacCorkindale), a shape-shifting man who can turn himself into any animal he chooses. He uses this ability to help the police solve crimes. The series ended after a brief eight episode run, but has since become a minor cult classic.

The Aquaboys are beginning to realize why Manimal comes with such a dubious reputation.  Even with a retooled exposition-filled intro, this show still bewilders even the most attentive viewer.  Loads and loads of filler, off-putting transformations, unnecessarily complicated smuggling plans, father-son hawk trapping and vastly overpowered birds all contribute to complicated feelings about this show.  There is a very good chance this is all leading to a very heated ‘Cancel or Renew’ debate.     Also, one of the Aquaboys debuts a brand-new segment!!  
  
Manimal is an American superhero television series created by Glen A. Larson and Donald R. Boyle, it ran on NBC from September 30 to December 17, 1983. The show centers on the character Jonathan Chase (Simon MacCorkindale), a shape-shifting man who can turn himself into any animal he chooses. He uses this ability to help the police solve crimes. The series ended after a brief eight episode run, but has since become a minor cult classic.

Manimal might be the most famous (or infamous) of the shows the Aquaboys have watched so far.  Its celebrity status as terrible TV seems built on a couple giant ideas that were executed hilariously bad.   Maybe the producers thought the killer effects would carry the show?  Did bubble forehead, felt cat paw, and tamed cobras impress the Aquaboys enough to renew this legendary train wreck?   Listen and find out for yourself.  
Manimal is an American superhero television series created by Glen A. Larson and Donald R. Boyle, it ran on NBC from September 30 to December 17, 1983. The show centers on the character Jonathan Chase (Simon MacCorkindale), a shape-shifting man who can turn himself into any animal he chooses. He uses this ability to help the police solve crimes.
The series ended after a brief eight episode run, but has since become a minor cult classic.

They thought they were all done with Matthew Star.  But no.  Not at all. The big wheel had other plans for the Aquaboys that day.  The big wheel smiled ever-so slightly as it knew it was about to make them watch this turd of a show once again.  The wheel knew the Aquaboys needed to experience television history’s only attempt at making paint a compelling plot device.  

Yes, paint. 

The big wheel knew it would test them.  The big wheel knew it would put their resilience, stamina, and sanity to the test.  The big wheel knew the Aquaboys needed a test like this to grow as both humans and friends.  

Did it break them?   Did it drive a wedge in friendship?  Did it force them to do math? 

The Powers of Matthew Star is an American sci-fi television series that aired on NBC on Friday evenings from September 17, 1982 until April 8, 1983. It starred Peter Barton as the title character, the alien prince Matthew "E'Hawke" Star of the planet Quadris, who used his powers to fight crime. Also starring were Amy Steel as Pam Elliot, Matthew’s girlfriend at Crestridge High; and Louis Gossett Jr. as Walt "D'Hai" Shepherd, Matthew’s guardian.

Quadris, twelve light years across the galaxy from Earth. It was home for us until an intergalactic armada conquered it. I fought by the royal family's side, but in vain – even their remarkable powers weren't enough. The crown prince and I escaped to the nearest planet on which we could survive and further his powers in order to someday return to free his people. Here on Earth, the prince is known as Matthew Star. He's a typical American teenager. He has friends – people who love him – and me, his guardian. I'm the only one who knows how special he is. Life for us is a series of joys and dangers. Enemy assassins constantly come to destroy us. Alone, we must survive.

This week the Aquaboys welcome Special Correspondent Lane back to the show!  We didn’t necessarily roll out the welcome mat by making SCL watch this pitiful excuse for a TV show. (Even by early 80’s standards) The Powers of Matthew Star somehow manages to take all the fun out of watching bad TV.  Maybe that’s one of his multiple (?) powers?   

But let this be a warning to you, intrepid listener.   Every once in a great while, if you make too much fun of a show…the show finds a way to retaliate.   Trust me. 

The Powers of Matthew Star is an American sci-fi television series that aired on NBC on Friday evenings from September 17, 1982 until April 8, 1983. It starred Peter Barton as the title character, the alien prince Matthew "E'Hawke" Star of the planet Quadris, who used his powers to fight crime. Also starring were Amy Steel as Pam Elliot, Matthew’s girlfriend at Crestridge High; and Louis Gossett Jr. as Walt "D'Hai" Shepherd, Matthew’s guardian.

Quadris, twelve light years across the galaxy from Earth. It was home for us until an intergalactic armada conquered it. I fought by the royal family's side, but in vain – even their remarkable powers weren't enough. The crown prince and I escaped to the nearest planet on which we could survive and further his powers in order to someday return to free his people. Here on Earth, the prince is known as Matthew Star. He's a typical American teenager. He has friends – people who love him – and me, his guardian. I'm the only one who knows how special he is. Life for us is a series of joys and dangers. Enemy assassins constantly come to destroy us. Alone, we must survive.

The Aquaboys experience another heck-of-a-ride as we attempt to parse this incomprehensible show.  This week, Matthew Star helps us to better understand the military-like efficiency of the US judicial system, the corrupt nature of the recording industry, and the vastly under-reported dangers of passenger van customization.  All that and a kindhearted nuanced discussion of the pros and cons of cannibalism. 

Remember.  Trust the system.

The Powers of Matthew Star is an American sci-fi television series that aired on NBC on Friday evenings from September 17, 1982 until April 8, 1983. It starred Peter Barton as the title character, the alien prince Matthew "E'Hawke" Star of the planet Quadris, who used his powers to fight crime. Also starring were Amy Steel as Pam Elliot, Matthew’s girlfriend at Crestridge High; and Louis Gossett Jr. as Walt "D'Hai" Shepherd, Matthew’s guardian.

Quadris, twelve light years across the galaxy from Earth. It was home for us until an intergalactic armada conquered it. I fought by the royal family's side, but in vain – even their remarkable powers weren't enough. The crown prince and I escaped to the nearest planet on which we could survive and further his powers in order to someday return to free his people. Here on Earth, the prince is known as Matthew Star. He's a typical American teenager. He has friends – people who love him – and me, his guardian. I'm the only one who knows how special he is. Life for us is a series of joys and dangers. Enemy assassins constantly come to destroy us. Alone, we must survive.

Fitting that The Powers of Matthew Star is about fighting to save an alien race.  Because for the first half of the show, the Aquaboys ponder the impacts of ChatGPT, and if we should prepare to fight for humanity’s survival.  After being seriously creeped out, we get our shit together and discuss this AMAZING show.   Will we cancel or renew?  Is ChatGPT a more superior form of Aquaboy?  Start the show and find out! 

And always remember - - "Stay Dry, Aquaboys fan(s)". 

The Powers of Matthew Star is an American sci-fi television series that aired on NBC on Friday evenings from September 17, 1982 until April 8, 1983. It starred Peter Barton as the title character, the alien prince Matthew "E'Hawke" Star of the planet Quadris, who used his powers to fight crime. Also starring were Amy Steel as Pam Elliot, Matthew’s girlfriend at Crestridge High; and Louis Gossett Jr. as Walt "D'Hai" Shepherd, Matthew’s guardian.

Quadris, twelve light years across the galaxy from Earth. It was home for us until an intergalactic armada conquered it. I fought by the royal family's side, but in vain – even their remarkable powers weren't enough. The crown prince and I escaped to the nearest planet on which we could survive and further his powers in order to someday return to free his people. Here on Earth, the prince is known as Matthew Star. He's a typical American teenager. He has friends – people who love him – and me, his guardian. I'm the only one who knows how special he is. Life for us is a series of joys and dangers. Enemy assassins constantly come to destroy us. Alone, we must survive.

The Aquaboys end another year of broadcast excellence with an episode for the ages!!   We return to the medieval realm of Aperans, for yet another blissful romp through Wizards and Warriors.  We stop down and take a moment of valuable airtime to celebrate the life of one of our own.  We take a deep insightful dive into the world of furry culture.  All that AND about as much sacrilege as you can handle.   You’re welcome Aquaboy Nation.

Wizards and Warriors is an American comedy adventure fantasy series that aired on CBS from February 26 to May 14, 1983. Starring Jeff Conaway, Julia Duffy, Walter Olkewicz, Duncan Regehr, and Clive Revill. Eight one-hour episodes were made. The series was created by Don Reo for Warner Bros. Television and three of the episodes were directed by Bill Bixby.

In the medieval realm of Aperans, the neighboring kingdoms of Karteia and Camarand engage in repeated conflict. Prince Erik Greystone, who is engaged to Princess Ariel Baaldorf, battles the evil Prince Dirk Blackpool. Both princes employ magic users of various alignments to gain the upper hand against each other.

50% of the professional broadcasters on the Aquaboy Podcast display their unending dedication to the show by (once again) watching the wrong episode.   I mean seriously, how is that even possible?  Maybe they couldn't find time to get it right in the two full months since we recorded last?  As a result, their mistake makes an already painful watch even more confusing and hard to digest.   Despite all the headwinds, do we elect to remain in the fantastical medieval realm of Aperans for yet another episode?  Listen and find out.    (Note: If you happen to be a lamb, or related to a lamb, I'd just go ahead and skip this episode. )  

Wizards and Warriors is an American comedy adventure fantasy series that aired on CBS from February 26 to May 14, 1983. Starring Jeff Conaway, Julia Duffy, Walter Olkewicz, Duncan Regehr, and Clive Revill. Eight one-hour episodes were made. The series was created by Don Reo for Warner Bros. Television and three of the episodes were directed by Bill Bixby.

In the medieval realm of Aperans, the neighboring kingdoms of Karteia and Camarand engage in repeated conflict. Prince Erik Greystone, who is engaged to Princess Ariel Baaldorf, battles the evil Prince Dirk Blackpool. Both princes employ magic users of various alignments to gain the upper hand against each other.

Big news!  All four Aquaboys actually watched the right episode this time.  No spoilers, but 75% of the show is 100% in love with Wizards and Warriors.  No amount of outlandish haircuts, zero exposition, colossal plot holes, painful dialog or abundant grooming can keep us from having a great time watching this show.  

Wizards and Warriors is an American comedy adventure fantasy series that aired on CBS from February 26 to May 14, 1983. Starring Jeff Conaway, Julia Duffy, Walter Olkewicz, Duncan Regehr, and Clive Revill. Eight one-hour episodes were made. The series was created by Don Reo for Warner Bros. Television and three of the episodes were directed by Bill Bixby.

In the medieval realm of Aperans, the neighboring kingdoms of Karteia and Camarand engage in repeated conflict. Prince Erik Greystone, who is engaged to Princess Ariel Baaldorf, battles the evil Prince Dirk Blackpool. Both princes employ magic users of various alignments to gain the upper hand against each other.

The Aquaboys celebrate their first remote broadcast!  Sort-of.  We set up shop in the luxury accommodations of ‘studio-west’ and try our hardest to dissect this puzzling-bit of 80’s television.   ‘Wizards and Warriors’ isn’t at all what we were expecting, but that isn’t necessarily a good thing.  Nobody expected it to be a comedy - - and after episode 1, I think we all wish it wasn’t.   Either way, this episode is a wild ride.   Fair warning intrepid listener…stay alert for a classic Chad screw-up, less pee talk, and a vanishing Tony.  

Wizards and Warriors is an American comedy adventure fantasy series that aired on CBS from February 26 to May 14, 1983. Starring Jeff Conaway, Julia Duffy, Walter Olkewicz, Duncan Regehr, and Clive Revill. Eight one-hour episodes were made. The series was created by Don Reo for Warner Bros. Television and three of the episodes were directed by Bill Bixby.

In the medieval realm of Aperans, the neighboring kingdoms of Karteia and Camarand engage in repeated conflict. Prince Erik Greystone, who is engaged to Princess Ariel Baaldorf, battles the evil Prince Dirk Blackpool. Both princes employ magic users of various alignments to gain the upper hand against each other.

The Aquaboys can’t put their finger on it, but something just isn’t right with “The Adventures of Brisco County, Jr.”.  Its not that it’s a bad show…Bruce Campbell is amazing as always, the sci-fi element is interesting, and the writing is pretty great.   For whatever reason it just doesn’t land.  But with some very intense lobbying by Jason and Tony, will it get renewed?   We shall see.

Also, we talk a lot about pee.

The Adventures of Brisco County, Jr., often referred to as just Brisco or Brisco County,[1] is an American weird western television series created by Jeffrey Boam and Carlton Cuse. It ran for 27 episodes on the Fox network starting in the 1993–94 season. Set in the American West of 1893, the series follows its title character, a Harvard-educated lawyer-turned-bounty hunter hired by a group of wealthy industrialists to track and capture outlaw John Bly and his gang. Bruce Campbell plays Brisco, who is joined by a colorful group of supporting characters, including Julius Carry as fellow bounty hunter Lord Bowler and Christian Clemenson as stick-in-the-mud lawyer Socrates Poole.

It’s clear Cop Rock fatigue is starting to set in.  The Aquaboys spend the better part of this episode trying to find other things to talk about besides the obvious.  Which is strange considering the ‘Baby Merchant’ episode is arguably the most famous of the failed series.  Pushing the envelope of tonal whiplash, this episode frolics effortlessly between topics like child trafficking, weight loss, inmate violence and attorney-client privilege.

Will the Aquaboys vote to renew yet again?  You’ll find out after some pointless banter, a game show, and pot talk.  Buckle-up buttercup. 

Cop Rock is an American police procedural musical television series created by Steven Bochco and William M. Finkelstein for the American Broadcasting Company. It premiered on September 26, 1990, and broadcast eleven episodes before concluding on December 26. It was both a critical and commercial failure when it originally aired.

The unofficial 5th Aquaboy, Special Correspondent Lane, helps our heroes deftly navigate yet another episode of the directionless (and some would argue pointless) Cop Rock.  The show continues to bewilder our even basic understanding of a police procedural drama.  From a plastic surgery fever dream to mud wrestling marital problems, this episode has it all.  (and we haven’t even mentioned the horseback riding)  There is NO WAY this gets renewed. Right?   

Cop Rock is an American police procedural musical television series created by Steven Bochco and William M. Finkelstein for the American Broadcasting Company. It premiered on September 26, 1990, and broadcast eleven episodes before concluding on December 26. It was both a critical and commercial failure when it originally aired.

Summoning all their combined bravery, courage and subtle attractiveness, the Aquaboys tackle the second episode of the Hinderberg-like police procedural / musical Cop Rock!  The second episode manages to shed just about everything that made the first episode at least palatable.  But lucky for us, it keeps the lack-luster music, unengaging characters and wildly uneven tone.    It’s remarkable that a television show has the power to make you embarrassed for it.   

Cop Rock is an American police procedural musical television series created by Steven Bochco and William M. Finkelstein for the American Broadcasting Company. It premiered on September 26, 1990, and broadcast eleven episodes before concluding on December 26. It was both a critical and commercial failure when it originally aired.

The Aquaboys finally reunite after a lengthy hiatus to talk about this incredible piece of television failure.  We actually recorded a Cop Rock episode the last week of October 2021, but it was cut short due to Brian coughing up blood (no really.)  Then shortly thereafter, another show was scrapped because Jason got Covid.  On top of all that, just before this recording the Aquabays learned a podcast industry legend had passed.   So in-between the eulogies, neck-kissing and booze we talk a little Cop Rock, but most of this episode is just making up for lost time.   

Cop Rock is an American police procedural musical television series created by Steven Bochco and William M. Finkelstein for the American Broadcasting Company. It premiered on September 26, 1990, and broadcast eleven episodes before concluding on December 26. It was both a critical and commercial failure when it originally aired.