You're No Fun Anymore

Get ready for a two-fer as we don our nun-drag and raise our voices for Whoopi Goldberg’s Sister Act and its sequel. Has a life of poverty, obedience and chastity ever looked so dang fun? Has Catholic guilty ever been so successfully played for laughs? Why is Kathy Najimy such a national treasure? And is Lauryn Hill’s voice the only redeeming part of the sequel? We’ll get back to you after we perfect our Motown choreography. 

Warm up the water in your tiny tin bathtub and pull out your pastel pedal pushers hat as we bebop into John Waters’s Cry-Baby. Did Waters achieve the ultimate level of Postmodern metatextual campiness by creating a pastiche of his own film style here? Can the power of a quality goth accessory really change hearts and minds? Is this perhaps the best Willem Dafoe cameo ever? And is Kim McGuire, aka "Hatchet-Face", basically the biggest badass who ever lived? We’ll let you know after this sloppy, sloppy make-out session. 

Warm up that blowtorch and slip off your bra through your shirt sleeve as we splash into 1983’s Flashdance. Why were butts so flat in the 80s? Did Nair literally and figuratively scar a generation? Can we give Jennifer Beals forever props for championing the off-the-shoulder look? And we all know about that iconic scene, but why is the rest of this movie so very very wet? We’ll give you our answers in the form of this interpretive dance. 

Don't let the scholastic stress get to you, and prepare yourself for some ethnic slurs as we enroll in 1992’s School Ties. Is young Brendan Fraser an actual Classical sculpture come to life? Was anyone expecting this cultural drama to actually have a complete thrilling sports scene in the middle of it? And does that shower scene mean there is footage out there of Damon and Fraser dong? We sometimes have answers but waspy white dude will always be pricks. 

Make sure you clap on cue and that Gunther gets your coffee order as we PIVOT into the 90s sitcom behemoth Friends. Is it worth wearing a potentially toxic Turkey mask for a bit on a purely audio format? (Always.) Did Joey get a bit too dumb, is Phoebe the best or the worst, and why does Ross suck so much? And how deep has this show rooted itself into our cultural memory? Ask us after we finish rewatching all 10 seasons of this classic. 

Put on your rattiest bunny suit and good luck avoiding that falling jet engine as we moodily sleepwalk into 2001’s Donnie Darko. Could this movie end friendships on this podcast? Is this a unique lucid dreamscape put on film, or just plain pretentious? Is Jake Gyllenhaal creepy or dreamy? And can we get a whole movie about Jolene Purdy’s Cherita instead? You might find some answers in the Director’s Cut of this super-sized episode. 

Brush up on your horror movie tropes and make sure you stick close to the Final Girl as we sacrifice some stereotyped teenagers in 2011’s The Cabin in the Woods. Do you need an encyclopedic knowledge of horror movies to appreciate this movie? Or does the comedy carry everything along? Does the shadow of Joss Whedon loom too large, especially in the final scene? And why isn’t Fran Kranz in more TV and movies please? One thing we can tell you for sure, this movie definitely was cooler with the merman. 

Knock back a couple shots of Ouzo and spritz some Windex on that skin ailment as we take a deep Mediterranean dip with Nia Vardalos’s My Big Fat Greek Wedding. Which is stronger, the Greek American cultural nostalgia emanating off this film, or the inescapable adoration for ultimate romcom lead John Corbett? Are most cultures actually based on guilt and food? And honestly, what is up with the Windex? 

Order up a business ladies special lunch and practice your interpretive dance routine as we pass ourselves off as stationery heiresses in 1997’s Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion. Does our appreciation of cringe grow with age? Who is the Mary among your BFFs? In what world are Lisa Kudrow or Mira Sorvino chubby? Is Janeane Garofalo the true legend of this movie? And why did they make Alan Cumming look like Sylvester Stallone? We'll let you know after we fold these scarves.

Steal the most unwieldy leather-bound tome you can find from your mysterious neighborhood bookseller and hide in your school’s spooky attic as we fly off into a serious childhood touchstone, 1984’s The NeverEnding Story. Is the raw egg swilling dad in this a secret alcoholic? Do we all have deep deep horse girl feelings? Why does this movie swing between scaring the crap out of kids, and making them bawl in utter grief? And for all the great puppetry in this—hello Falkor, you amazing fantasy steed—why does the evil Nothing wolf look like a Chuck E. Cheese side character? We’re sure the answers will come from this heartrendingly plaintive child ruler named after our hippie mom. 

On Wednesdays we wear pink and today we infiltrate the Plastics in the 2004 teen classic Mean Girls. How many surprising new facts do we discover about the depth of Randall’s love for this movie? (Hint: it’s A LOT.) Can we just take a moment to recognize that everyone in this cast is bringing their A game? Does the feminist message of this movie stand up to contemporary values? We’ll let you know once we perfect this totally appropriate Jingle Bell Rock routine.  

Twist up your white girl dreads (or just don’t, actually) and let’s ride with Nic Cage in Gone in 60 Seconds. How angry is Jerry Bruckheimer that the Fast and the Furious franchise stole his thunder? Does this movie immediately take you back to the Year 2000 (insert requisite Conan audio cue)? Was there just no room in the budget to give Angelina Jolie even like a hint of character development? And Plot? Who needs a plot? You’ll get some answers if you can keep up with our need for speed.

Hide your bunnies and guard your kids from ghosted lovers as we delve deep into the psyche of the 1987 film Fatal Attraction. Who do we blame for Glenn Close’s horrendous hair style in that opening party scene? Did Anne Archer portray the perfect wife or a one-sided non-character? (Either way, she didn’t deserve to be done so dirty.) Would this movie have aged better if it had been released with its original ending? And perhaps most importantly, why were 80s audiences so invested in Michael Douglas’s dong? We struggle for answers, through the pain of animal cruelty trauma. 

Look out for those bloodthirsty trees and turn every sentence you speak into a question as we run incomprehensibly towards M. Knight Shyamalan’s The Happening.  Who told Mark Wahlberg that acting smaht just meant raising the inflection of your voice up at the end of everything? Is Zooey Deschanel the only cinematic example of the Depressive Pixie Dream Girl? (And if so, thank god for that.) And can we all just agree no one ever wants travel hot dogs? Like Marky Mark, we’ve got more questions than answers with this episode. 

Clean off your flute and stop looking at that warm apple pastry like that as we dive… head first? (ugh, we hate ourselves)… into 1999’s American Pie. Should this movie be renamed American Why, cuz we really don’t get why it spawned so many sequels (you know, besides all that money they make). Is it ok to watch teen sex romps in your 40s? Can we watch the dry, smart, funny movie Natasha Lyonne and Jennifer Coolidge are performing in? Eugene Levy can join as the best movie dad ever. And can someone call SVU stat to report these pervs committing an actual sex crime against Shannon Elizabeth’s unsuspecting foreign exchange student? Like a stereotypical teen boy, we can’t promise you many satisfying answers, but we can promise you plenty of weird smells in today’s episode. 

Toss back that gorgeous mullet and shoot before you ask as we ride off into the sunset with the 1988 Brat Pack classic Young Guns. How many more enjoyable Westerns could we have watched instead of this? (Answer: all of them.) Is this movie the nail in the coffin for the Dermot Mulroney vs Dylan McDermott debate just because of how unarguably revolting "Dirty" Stephens is? Which is longer, the eventual heat death of the universe or this movie? Find out these answers and more life lessons under Terence Stamp’s tough love tutelage. 

Salt your whips and bite your own tongues as we conger up some deep-rooted childhood issues and love of receding hairlines with 1989's Warlock! Did Julian Sands use his devil powers to coif the perfect hair? Was the aging makeup over-the-top bad or was that how the 1980s saw women over 40? And how long exactly is the amount of time to safely carry around a set of eyeballs? The answers to these questions and many more are most likely buried deep within the lining in Richard E. Grant's fur suit.

Grab your crucifix and have inappropriate feelings for your step-siblings as we become completely infatuated with 1999’s Cruel Intentions. Where did Sarah Michelle Gellar get her rich divorcee wardrobe and can we buy it now? Why are we supposed to root for serial abuser Ryan Phillippe when he doesn’t even redeem himself so much as just pause on being a total douchebag? Cuz it sure isn’t his non-existent chemistry with Reese Witherspoon! But can we get more Selma Blair forever and ever please? We’ll let you know as soon as we finish listening to Placebo for the 100th time because they still slap. 

Lock up your daughters (especially if Colin Firth is moping around with some loose papers), and keep an eye on that randy PM, as we immerse ourselves in the Christmas overindulgence that is Richard Curtis’s Love Actually. Can we please stop calling totally normally proportioned Martine McCutcheon chubby? Did Mark, aka the Cue Card Guy, deserve the hate he got for his visual proclamation? And are the porn couple the only healthy relationship in this whole film? Or is it Bill Nighy’s aging rockstar and his manager? We’re too busy tearing up over the actual people welcoming each other home at Heathrow to come up with any answers. 

Sit back and let Al Pacino in full ham force wash over you in 1997’s The Devil’s Advocate. How is Charlize Theron so good so early in her career (and despite that Southern accent)? Are the offensive parts of this movie that way because it’s about the literal devil, or because the 90s just sucked that much? Why is this movie trying to be deeper than it can ever actually achieve? And is Randall recording this episode directly from the circle of hell where this movie is playing on repeat? We'll let you know as soon as we finish digesting all this fine pork product.