Dementia family coach Faith Marshall joins Suzanne to talk about a hard subject, what happens to those in early stages of dementia.
Faith says, "I have one client specifically that is on the internet a lot, checks his email. He's recently retired. And so that's always been something that's been part of his routine, but one of the things that does happen in dementia that is helpful is a sense of paranoia can set forth where they start to not trust some things that are happening. So at least he asks me when he gets some strange email with a link. Ask me about it, we talk about it. Sometimes I'll log on and, and help him work through it. But he gets emails that are saying his antivirus is out of date. You need to log on and pay this. So sometimes he may think that's a real thing and he'll reach out to me and say, can you help me pay this? And my mind immediately goes: wait.
"And just with the few situations that I come upon, it makes me realize that it really is happening daily. I don't know how many per minute, but it's continual. And with someone that has dementia, telling them not to click in a link in an email is a recurring conversation, and putting up firewalls and things like that. We've taken those steps with computers so that we've go IT helping to monitor what's going on, and it's just such a big threat as well as them feeling like someone is helping them. That's the pattern between all of these — the brake fluid, all the things that they're actually believing that someone is there to help them. "Oh my gosh. My, my antivirus is expired. I need to pay this right away." They create a sense of urgency in whatever the scam is doing. "Your computer is not working. You need my help. I need to buy parts" or whatever the case may be. I need to go buy lumber to fix the porch over the roof.
"So it creates this need for communication with family on all, all levels. And you don't like we talked about, you don't want to feel like you're crying or spying, but you do have to listen. And what, what happened with my own family was my mom would say "don't tattle on me." Faith Marshall: It's like she felt bad. "I sucked into it again." You know, don't tattle on me. And she didn't want us to worry. But yet we needed to be part of those conversations to alert the authorities and reach out to the AARP and the local police department, and be more educated about it, and be more mindful. And neighbors again can be helpful with all of that, because they're the ones who may be in conversation with your loved one over the fence. You know, next door saying hi.”
Suzanne says, "The most important thing that you can do with your loved one, being a family caregiver, is to establish trust with that parent or with that loved one. If you're a spouse, you're likely trustworthy. But, I see too often that there is a division between the adult and the adult child because there's that trust factor, that the adult child isn't around very much, they're not engaged very much with that senior loved one. They may live out of town. The other thing, I am really a strong believer in starting to have dialogues where you don't have elephants in the room. You know, it's ok to start having healthy, difficult conversations early and, how you do that in my world is start speaking about your own fears, your own concerns. You know, mom and dad, I was laying in bed last night and I couldn't fall asleep because I was thinking about this."
Faith hosts caregiver support groups. "I think it's really important for people to feel heard and feel part of a community, find their tribe. I do an introduction to group coaching the first week of every month. Having someone to talk to when you're going through this, that truly understands, it can be so supportive, and we all need our community and we need to be heard. A lot of people use Facebook groups for that. But just having someone that maybe you could go have coffee with in your own local community that is also dealing with the the 36-hour-day is a key. Everybody is on a different step in that journey, and some that have been there can help advise those that are going there, and vice versa."
Faith hosts group coaching meetings online. Having fellow caregivers to talk to who truly understands what you're going through can be very supportive.
AARP's Fraud Watch Network Helpline is at 877-908-3360. Learn more at Faith Marshall's AFE page and at dementiafamilycoaching.com. You can email Faith at faith@faithmarshall.com or call her directly at (855) 363-2484.
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