marital counseling

I recently received a question from a client who asked me, “ Is love a pre-requisite in marriage? I come from a culture where we have arranged marriages, yet we have far fewer divorces than in the west where people fall in love before they marry. How important then, is love in a relationship?”
It takes a whole village to make a marriage work. You also need the following pillars for marriage to last:
 Clear channels of communication
Expectations and responsibilities
Respect
Patience
Sobriety
Forgiveness 

I love you.
 You are my best friend.
 Today I give myself to you in marriage.
 I promise to encourage and inspire you,
 to laugh with you, and to comfort you
 in times of sorrow and struggle.
 I promise to love you in good times and in bad,
 when life seems easy and when it seems hard,
 when our love is simple, and when it is an effort.
 I promise to cherish you,
 and to always hold you in highest regard.
 These things I give to you today,
 and all the days of our life.



https://guruhellen.com/books/takes-two-to-tango-how-to-enjoy-lifelong-marriage

https://www.documentsanddesigns.com/vows-and-verses/

(The 10 commandments of love (song by Moonglows)

The  Lovers’ Ten Commandments 

1.      Thou shall not love another as long as we live, I shall yours and you shall be mine.

2.      Thou shall stand by me through the good and the bad times,  In sickness and in health, in times of much wealth and in times of financial struggles, in times of childbearing and in times of parenting, in my youth years and in my old age. 

3.      Thou shall have faith in me and in everything I do. I shall support you in every way you need to succeed in life and you shall do the same for me.

4.      Thou shall love me with all thy heart, as I will do the same. We shall share our love with our children and be role models of an ideal couple for them.

5.      Thou shall take the happiness and the heartaches I  come with, for which complement each other. You are my strength and I am yours.

6.      Thou shall not flirt with others but with me. Thou shall not lust after others but after me.

7.      Thou shall not raise your voice in anger but instead take time out to cool down and makeup later.

8.      Thou shall remember the important dates in our relationship and observe them. We shall celebrate milestones in each other’s life together.

9.      Thou shall remember our date nights and honour them.

10. Thou shall be generous with compliments free of judgement.

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Traditionally we gift with Roses, jewellery, chocolate and candy accompanied by a poetic love card for Valentine’s Day celebration.

Everything can grow old Especially if you have been married for over 10 ten years. It becomes a case of “same old, same old.” It almost feels like you have run out of creative ways to say ‘ I love you’.
Our focus on this challenge is to bring Zest back into your love life as well. Here are some ideas:

• A custom-made or handmade love card 
• Wine and play evening: 
• how about a bonfire for just the two of you 
•  a paint and sip class ...

For more fun ideas listen in.

www.guruhellen.com
https://www.facebook.com/Love-Unlimited-with-Hellen-105005514399167

Imagine a rose to represent your marriage relationship. The petals are the beautiful parts of the relationship, which both of you have worked hard to realize, your love, your children, your milestones etc.  The stems represent the timeline of your relationship: and stems have thorns.  They are inevitable.
The thorns in your relationship could be:

• Loss of jobs or career
• Sickness 
• Accidents or incapacitation 
• Death 

There are infections and parasites that can infect the rose and may affect its growth. These are external influences that we invite by own will. These pests and parasites could be:

• Cheating
• Gambling and addictions
• Financial recklessness among others

What are your thorns and how are you working with them? Can you identify your parasites and how do you eradicate them?

The discussion goes on here:

www.guruhellen.com
https://www.facebook.com/Love-Unlimited-with-Hellen-105005514399167

Valentines Day is around the corner and we, ladies, wives, lovers and fiancees wish to treated specially on this day.  How about our men, lovers, husbands, fiances? 
This is a candid talk from a man who cares to, all ladies who wish to understand their husbands better - thanks to my sweetheart, Patrick.

Don.t forget the discussion continues on the links below:
www.guruhellen.com
https://www.facebook.com/Love-Unlimited-with-Hellen

Aside with the chitchat -  we have things they wish our darling husbands knew:

• The emotions behind our behaviour
• The reason we ask many questions and opinions
• The strength and the sensitivity all explained

www.guruhellen.com

Growing up, we learned to decipher non-verbal language from a very early age. If you were on the wrong, your mother only needed to give you ‘the look’ and you would recoil into your room. You could if your parents were happy or angry with you by just studying their facial formation or behaviour.  We are all experts in our own rights, of deciphering non-verbal communication and this expertise could go a long way in making our relationships stronger.

The challenge comes when you turn a blind eye to the many non-verbal cues your spouse is sending to you, yet you can decipher a stranger’s cues quite easily.  Is it selective decoding or have you become blinded by life such that you can’t see or understand your spouse? The aim of this podcast is to help you open your sensitivity to your spouse’s non-verbal behaviour.

For more reads: www.guruhellen.com

“We assume others show love the same way we do – and if they don’t, we worry its not there.” Gary Chapman 

Isn’t that the truth? We judge others by our own perception of love, and our own expression of love.  Most of our inadequacies of love expression come from this viewpoint.  We look at our spouses through the same glasses we view the world and we express ourselves through the same limited glasses.

According to Gary Chapman, the author of “5 Languages of Love”, the five languages of love are:

1.      Words of affirmation

2.      Acts of service

3.      Receiving gifts

4.      Quality time

5.      Physical touch

While there is a universal language of love, each individual has highly personalised interpretations of the same acts of love.  Some of us like an expression of love by touch, by hugs, by kisses or by pampering, while some of us believe a verbal expression is sufficient. Others believe that love must be accompanied by some defined actions or activities while others believe that gifts make an excellent expression of love.  

My question to you is: What is your language of love and how do you interpret the expression of love from your spouse?

And the second question to you is: Does your spouse understand your love language and interprets your expression as intended?

https://guruhellen.com/content/love-language-questionnaire-day-3

www.guruhellen.com

“Remember to celebrate your milestones as you prepare for the road ahead.”  Nelson Mandela

After detoxifying yourselves of the bad habits and toxins, the next prudent thing to do is to go back into the past and bring to the present, the good bricks. These bricks will help build a great foundation for the future.   They also bring the good that is worth celebrating just like in the song “Breakfast at Tiffany”- the things you have in common, especially the beautiful ones.

                Remembering the good moments highlights the reasons you both fell in love,  reaffirms the reason you have always stuck together, and spreads the beautiful feelings to the present moments.
Below is a link for the Celebration Template which will help you recognise and appreciate each other's milestones.
https://guruhellen.com/content/celebration-template-day-2

www.guruhellen.com

Toxic relationships are a hazard to your health – equally or worse than bad eating habits, low self-esteem, and a stressful job.

Environmental toxicity: A marriage relationship, in particular, tends to be the dumping ground for all the garbage we collect from work, relatives, friends and even media.  

Inherited Toxicity:     Some bad habits tend to be carried from one generation to another. 

Acquired toxicity: low self-esteem, physiological issues and repeated negative feedback from your spouse and or friends or family. This is your personal talk, the voice inside you that keeps telling you that you are not enough, that you are inferior, that you cannot achieve the goals you set, that your spouse doesn’t love you back as you would like. 

Remember, what is not acknowledged does not get attended to. To help deal with toxicity within your marriage you need to identify the source, close the channels and cleanse yourself of the inherent effects.

Please download the toxicity buster template and do a self-diagnosis with your spouse. The template may not be exhaustive and you are welcome to add on any toxins you notice in your relationship.  The aim is to remedy and cleanse yourselves of these recurrent problems.  It is also important that you deal with the sources of the toxicity as a team and heal each other as a team.  Marriage is a work in progress and therefore requires the two of you to work together.

https://guruhellen.com/content/marriage-detox-analysis-template-day-1

www.guruhellen.com

Welcome the relationships renewal spa!! We are going to have an intensive relationship challenge for you and your spouse. Why? Because we want you:

•  To rekindle and supercharge your marriage to a more romantic and intense relationship. 
• To renew and reaffirm your love, deep respect and desire for each other
•  To remind you what is more important in your spouse and how to help your spouse to love you more.
•  To open wide the channels of communication between you: Both verbal and non-verbal
• To explore more enjoyable ways of helping each other realise their personal goals without necessarily sacrificing your own.
•  To build a two people, one love, one passion team that will last.
•  To learn more innovative ways of conflict handling and love sharing.
• To recommit your vows to each other.

The first day we shall explore how to detoxify your relationship.
Please join me on the fourteen-day Love focus challenge!!

Do you ever wonder why your spouse keeps quiet when you need them to give you feedback? 

Do you want to end the confrontational episodes when you share your ideas?

This article will give you hints as to what is going on your communication system and how to overcome this.

“Millions and millions in the valley of decisions…” (Joel 3:14)

As long as you are alive, you are obliged to make decisions and to follow them through. It also means taking accountability for the consequences of your decisions. Not making a decision is also a choice, and has its repercussions as well.

This is even more pronounced in marital relationships, where a couple has to constantly consult and make choices together.  This means a compromise has to be reached almost every time a decision has to be made. It can be hard and sometimes emotionally draining if one spouse has to repeatedly compromise to the advantage of the other, or for the family. A win-win situation is always ideal.

Each spouse can effectively make decisions on their own in some cases, but there are some marital facets that demand teamwork. This trend should be set as soon as the couple begins dating and should become the couple’s habit.  

?     Ask questions regarding your spouse’s plan or intentions: There is nothing more disarming as a question politely asked. Asking your spouse’s plans or intentions usually opens up a door to him/her reciprocating by asking yours as well. This eliminates the notion that you are dominating the planning and decision-making process in the relationship.

 ?     Ask for their opinions regarding a project or activity you intend to do. For instance  “What do you think about us going out for dinner tonight instead of you cooking?” Give two sides of the options you are asking and if possible explain how the spouse stands to benefit as well.

  ?     Allow your partner to think through any proposals. Avoid pressuring them to give you feedback instantly. Some proposals involve a total change of lifestyle while others are mundane and may not bring much effect. Either way, if your spouse asks for time to think it through, kindly step back and let them weigh their options without you interfering or pressuring them.

 ?     Explain the details, the reasons or motivations behind your point of view or suggestions.

Answer the unspoken questions you feel your spouse may be thinking of. Give the details wholly, and if possible get the facts ready before airing your points. This shows your spouse that you did your homework before discussing the idea as opposed to just impulsive wanton thoughts flowing through your mind. 

?     Be honest… Be truthful… Be factual.  Avoid giving piecemeal stories that are like doses of truths and half-truths. This makes your spouse lose confidence in your plans as well as not to trust you fully. This becomes a very fertile ground for speculations and suspicions. Questions such as “ what are you not telling me?” will start to arise. Eventually, they will start to double-check everything you say, and that is a good recipe for a broken marriage.

?     Involve your spouse in the emotional journeys you go through.   This a challenge particularly for husbands, who think it not manly to share their emotions.  Your spouse needs to know what you are going through so that they can understand the motive behind the decisions you make. Give yourself emotionally to your spouse so that you can reap the benefits of empathy and full companionship. One of the greatest benefits is the support you get in decision making… it is a ‘no-brainer’.

Marriages are for better or worse. The better comes easy; while the worse needs to be worked at together, with a whole lot of patience and love.&

Most of us are guilty of this vice. When things hurt too much we cover our pain under a multitude of busy-ness. While this seems to be the easiest way out of confrontation, it is the reason why we fall apart, why our relationships are filled with poison.  How do we get over this challenge and still k When it hurts too much to share…

I have a confession to make: And this is something that has been haunting me all my dating and married years. It has been the source of most of my pains and hurts. I bleed and smile at the same time, and cover my tears with an assuring nod that I am alright. I am so diplomatic that it is almost impossible to notice the hurt inside me unless you are a master of observation.  I have successfully kept this weakness under covers of success, hard work, responsibilities and loving relationships for a very long time.

Now that the secret is about to come out, I would like to apologise to those whom I have left high and dry, wondering what went wrong.  I apologise to my spouse for the many times I have committed this crime when I was not supposed to do it.  I apologise to my relatives and friends who have not been spared the effects of my interesting behaviour. Okay here is my vile behaviour: SILENCE...

You got it right; silence.  I was taught very early that if I don’t have anything nice to say, it would be better for me to shut up – a lesson I learned so well. I have the potential to be outspoken and sometimes insensitive.  Sometimes it is so hard to balance between expressing myself justly or just whining, or being outright ridiculous!By “I” I mean “All spouses who swallow hurt and pain like warriors,” only to hurt themselves in the process. I am the diplomatic type and hate looking like the bad spouse who never shuts up or is always complaining. As a result, I have been ignored (and swallowed that pain), disrespected (swallowed that too), had my ego deflated (was hard to swallow but did it too) and used, (never said a word). I express my dissatisfaction and move on.

Here is the backlash: an explosive spouse. When I have had it all in, well covered and sealed the openings, pressure builds up inside and like a bomb I just explode like a bomb. The damage is often irreversible. I haul words and emotions only the Lord knows where they come from, talk nonstop like a rap star rant without pauses, pace up and down like a nervous mouse and the house becomes a hell hole.  No one can be saved from this backlash as it hits hard with an aim to make the other person to feel exactly how I feel; usually very nasty.  All my rants begin with “I am sorry I have to say this and do not interrupt me when I am talking…..”

By the time I am done the house feels cold, haunted and scary, and downright ugly. It is the worst place for me to be in at that time. Why because I just burned some bridges, tore and damaged some egos, made loved ones feel like trash, made some tears flow and worst of all, I cannot undo what I just said.

Was it worth it? absolutely not. There were better ways of addressing the hurt without converting it into a plague. I end creating chasms that I may never close and it haunts for days after. The pain and hurt I was going through are not worth the wounds I have caused on my loved ones. 
If only… If only I had taken the time to “avoid confrontation or disappointing my loved ones” If only I had said what I needed to say instead of “talking like a civilized married woman”  and “letting sleeping dogs lie”. If only…   

While relationships are a balance between emotional vulnerability and emotional strength, it often an acrobatic stance trying to balance these.  Communication - especially clear, timely and meaningful discussions go a long way in helping avoid the above scenarios.  It is often prudent to ‘strike the iron while it is still hot’ when it comes it matters of the he

Marrying a competitive or career-focused spouse has its ups and downs. It is an excellent gift to the relationship but needs to be handled with love and care. Listen in to learn how to deal with a competitive spouse.

             Marriage is one of the most interesting relationships known to man.  Two different souls with different desires and ambitions meet and choose to espouse each other.  They blend their dreams and hopes to make one family. They plan, they celebrate milestones together and grow old together. They act like penguins or doves - together forever.  That is the calling of two people who love each other- to love, to cherish and to hold. Having a competitive spouse can be a big blessing because a spouse can be the engine behind the family’s business or career prosperity. 

            There are other times in the relationship when the dreams become incongruent. One spouse wishes to pursue his or her own career dreams and the other spouse thinks the same. This definitely causes conflict and disagreements ensue.  I will share one of the many stories that I experienced with my husband.

            I once wished to pursue my academic career at the same time as my husband.  out of respect, I let him start and finish his studies. I supported him both financially and emotionally.  I knew he needed support to complete the course as it was very demanding.  When he graduated with a Masters’ Degree, we celebrated. Then it was my turn to go back to school.  Well contrary to what I expected, I got no support whatsoever. He asked me to wait for another opportune time. I knew deep in my heart that if I waited,  the opportunity would pass me by. So without his consent, I went ahead and took a loan to help me get started.   This did not go well with him and it caused some tension.  

What I am trying to say is, if you know that your spouse is ambitious and a big dreamer, count yourself lucky and support him/her.  Why? Because it is for the benefit of the family when you both grow.  The relationship should be reciprocal for it to thrive.  I surely felt hurt when I realised that I could get a reciprocal on my support but that did not stop me. 

There are ways in which to help your ambitious and career-focused spouse realize their dreams without sacrificing your relationship. Some are as subtle as asking hard questions about the career progression why others involve serious budgeting and planning. I will list out some informed ways of supporting your competitive spouse:

v  Lay down a five-year career progression plan together:  Every decade of your relationship should be marked by new career and business plans.  These plans should be reviewed annually. Discuss in detail which path to follow, who is responsible for each activity and how long each activity should take.

v  Make room for career/business changes: Economic downturns can occur and this will definitely affect your progression.  At this juncture, it would be wise to review your path to see how you are affected. It may need you to put your progression on hold or postpone or take a totally different pathway.  Either way, you will need the decisions together.

v  Budget:  Nothing can be achieved without budgeting.  Balance income and expenditure which includes career expenses. What is not budgeted should not be spent.  The biggest source of conflict in marriage finances.  This is a very avoidable challenge if you practise budgeting and stick to the budget.  If you have a competitive spouse, he/she is likely to be inconsiderate when they feel they need to grow. Always remind your spouse that deviation from the budget that you both set up together would adversely affect your family

In this episode, Ameé speaks with Philadelphia based therapist, Elizabeth Earnshaw, about strengthen a relationship someone may already be in through improving communication.

Liz has her own practice called A Better Life Therapy and specializes in working with couples around a variety of topics such as relationship issues, infidelity, divorce, intimacy and sexual issues, premarital counseling, and breakups.

In this episode, you will hear:  

• Why do relationships end?
• What are the typical barriers to communication with couples? 
• Recommendations for couples who aren't both going to therapy/self-help
• What is the Gottman Method in couples therapy
• What are the four things to avoid in communication with your partner
• When is the best time to seek marriage counseling

Resources: 

https://abetterlifetherapy.com/
Instagram for Liz Listens

Marriage and Family Therapist Ed Coambs, MA, MBA, LMFTA, CSAT-C, CFP, who also specializes in financial therapy, joins us to discuss financial infidelity: What is it? How does it affect a marriage? And what can you do if financial infidelity happens to you?

When we keep financial secrets from our spouse or significant other, we are guilty of financial infidelity. But according to a new study, only 52 percent of individuals believe their significant other is totally honest with them when it comes to money.

Given that 50 percent of marriages end in divorce, and financial issues are the leading cause for separations in the nation, we asked Ed to share some insight with us on what happens when financial infidelity occurs: Are our relationships completely doomed when our spouse makes a purchase without our consent? What if they're earning more than they lead us to believe? We chat about all of this and more - along with how our childhood and emotional money baggage plays a role in our spending and saving habits!

Comments, questions or suggestions for the show? Email us at talkwealthpodcast@gmail.com.

Want to learn more about Ed Coambs? Visit his practice website or check out this blog on financial infidelity from DebtWave Credit Counseling.

To learn more about DebtWave Credit Counseling, visit our website or connect with us on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and LinkedIn.

To learn more about the San Diego Financial Literacy Center, visit our website or connect with us on Facebook and Twitter.