Episode 44: Sinking and On Fire
"MOMMY" oil pastel by Troy Clarke
This is Episode 44, the third installment of a short campaign where Troy lost his Dungeon Master cherry and our regular DM Eric got to be a player, titled: “Ship of Fools, Part 3: Sinking and On Fire”
Our murder hobos were sailing with passengers Rog and Caz and a captain about to retire when a ship full of assassins started boarding the ship trying to kill Rog. Will our gang be able to save Rog, or will we sink?
Enjoy!
Table of Contents:
1. Horkheimer is a little goblin, short and stout, and when he goes spore-crazy… spores fly out of his every orifice.
2. Horkheimer has a spore spear (besides the one in his pants) and he knows how to use it!
3. The heavy guy has a goofy look on his face and is barely on his feet.
4. Remember that scene in The Mummy? Ethrenia is going to do that to that guy.
5. He didn’t live long, but at least he died in terror.
6. “BEAT HIS ***!”
7. “CHUG IT!”
8. “I can talk to shoes.”
9. Oh no, Rog!
10. The assassin now attacks Salladin for saying a prayer for Rog.
11. “I could watch you lick that top all day long!”
12. Caz attacks one of the assassins, and we get sidetracked talking about feet.
13. Would you make yogurt with yeast from your you-know-what?
14. Bianca summons a fey to help with the assassins.
15. The thug enjoys being stabbed by the fey and kind of acts like a titillated Conan O’Brien.
16. The mage is charmed by the Reverend, so I guess it’s the Reverend’s turn!
17. Saladin uses flame blade on the assassin-pinata.
18. “Yeah, f- the rules, GET HIM!”
19. Pinatas don’t fair well in fights with murder hobos.
20. “I’m going to attack him again.”/ “The hanging guy is dead.”/ “Yeah, I’m going to finish him off!”
21. Good thing Caz is hard to hit because she aims like a Stormtrooper.
22. The Reverend uses his charmed mage to make the assassin barf his spine out.
23. Salladin has a special horn, and it’s not on his head, and when he kills people it’s like a cosmic Gallagher show.
24. Why let all these dead bodies go to waste when the Reverend can reanimate them!
25. The leftover assassins kind of want to leave now, but there is a fey creature on their boat…
26. Horkheimer agrees that it’s time to leave and casts Call Lightning… marking the beginning of the end of whatever plan the DM had for this game…
27. Ethrenia decides now is a good time for a bonfire in someone’s bed.
28. Silvereyes jumps onto the other boat, and the captain fails to extinguish the fire.
29. Dorian casts Snilloc Snowball Storm on the charmed mage.
30. The DM is far too helpful to Horkheimer. “Sure, there’s soil on the ship! Probably some mushrooms too. Yeah! Sink this m-f-er!”
31. Bianca is too dumb to know how to put the fire out apparently, but at least she tries.
32. Salladin casts Crown of Madness on the assassin that looks the dumbest, poor bastard!
33. The Reverend decides to turn into mist.
34. Salladin commands the assassin who is under his control to get back on the boat and help put out the fire.
35. The fire spreads—and so do Horkheimer’s spores. So, how about some more lightning?
36. How many hit points does a boat have?
37. We’re going to need a bigger boat…
38. “She rolled a 1.” / “I’m not going to make her crit fail.” / “But they’re killing all of us!” (I am still mad about this.)
39. Well, now it’s on!
40. “So, how big is your coffin?”
41. “I really thought if anyone was going to kill us, it was going to be the vampire…”
42. If the Sammy is a rocking, don’t come a knocking…
43. We might get to the Frandor [local shopping mall] Coalition of Independent Duchies after all!
44. “Yeah, YOU, m*****F***ing spore-man!”
45. The vampire turns back into corporal form and the captain poops his pants.
46. The baddies drop their weapons and beg for their lives.
47. “You know you can’t do that…” / “But it’d be hilarious!”
48. Horkheimer jumps through the porthole like E. Honda.
49. Whatever Ethrenia sees, she wants to light on fire.
50. Ethrenia does Vampiric Touch to Silvereyes.
51. Silvereyes says, “F- this, I’m out!” and tries to jump back onto the ship.
52. “How long do I have to be your friend?”
53. Horkheimer reanimates Caz’s body.
54. Somehow it’s Ethrenia’s turn again… good thing she doesn’t really want to do anything but float…
55. Silvereyes and Horkheimer try to shove each other off the boat.
56. Dorian lights the rowboat on fire.
57. Silvereyes is in Horkheimer’s spore-cloud and it’s more than unpleasant.
58. The captain looks around at the condition of his ship and is very sad.
59. Dorian kindly offers to buy the boat from the captain, but it’s rather devalued at the moment since we’re on it.
60. Bianca casts Gust on Horkheimer to try to push him and his spores off the boat.
61. Salladin tries to use Persuasion to get Horkheimer to jump off the ship to the rowboat that’s 10 feet away… and on fire…
62. Salladin creeps up behind the captain.
63. The Reverend casts Children of the Night to make some hungry rats.
64. “Let’s just kill Eric and Maura and call it a day.”
65. Horkheimer attempts to throw a spear into the ship.
66. Horkheimer orders Caz’s zombie corpse to jump in the water and swim towards the rowboat… even though she’s wearing armor.
67. Conveniently, there are buckets on the rowboat to put out the fire with.
68. “Does the rowboat look bloodied?”
69. Dorian casts Firebolt on what’s left of the escaping assassins’ rowboat.
70. “Okay, Caz, so you are going to want to turn around…”
71. Bianca summons a crocodile to help sink the rowboat, and chomp-chomp-CHOMP!
72. Salladin decides that there hasn’t been nearly enough senseless murders today…
73. The Reverend turns into a bat and flies away.
74. Horkheimer turns into an octopus and attacks the saltwater crocodile.
75. Ethrenia casts Toll the Dead on Dorian.
76. The Caz zombie is no longer under Horkheimer’s control since he’s an octopus now, so is she hungry for brains now?
77. Silvereyes is raging again and slaps unicorn-man in the face, but the DM lets her reconsider and just chuck him off the boat instead.
78. Dorian snowballs Ethrenia and Horkheimer at the same time, and it’s as sexy as it sounds.
79. Bianca takes the wheel, and her saltwater croc frees themselves from Horkheimer-octopus ‘s grasp.
80. Well, we thoroughly nuked all of Troy’s plans…
"Galaxy (Van Full of Candy Version)" digital artwork by Lauren Clarke
Song: "Galaxy (Van Full of Candy Version)" by Lauren Clarke
