step mom

In this episode, we talk about setting and sticking to boundaries as a step-parent. Boundaries with step kids and ex-spouses.

Talking negatively about your spouse's ex

• Never in front of the kids or around the kids.
• Kids hear everything. Be cautious
• Talking to your spouse about their ex.
• Be careful about negative conversations with anyone else.

Disciplining your stepchildren

• What about kids being raised together.
• "NACHO kids" and "this is my house"
• Age of the children matter.
• Stick to your guns or let things go?

Trying to take the place of your spouse's ex

• Don't be tempted to try and replace your step-kids biological parent.
• Missing, significant mental illness, death, etc... are not good reasons 

Putting yourself in the middle 

• Between your spouse and his/her children
• Don't fight for love and affection, while it may be tempting to get on your stepkids good side by disagreeing with your spouse, this is not a good idea and will backfire at some point. The uniformed front is the best offense.
• Between your spouse's ex and his/her children
• Remember you are not the parent. It is not your place to try to override the other parent's decisions regarding the children.

Ignoring the wishes of your spouse's ex (in relation to the children)

•  The kids need to see you respect their other parent and that you are a good role model for them. 
• For example, if you know that they don't want your child watching a certain show, or spending the night with certain kids, etc. It is best to try to honor those wishes. 
• You would want your kid's stepparent to honor your wishes.

Engaging in a parenting discussion with your spouse and his/her ex

• Stay in your lane.
• This has been a lot of years of learning. 
• Very rare cases when you need to get involved as a stepparent. Let the bio parents take care of the issues but be a support to your spouse.
• It is best if you can attempt to have a good relationship with your spouse’s ex if possible.

Feeling jealous when your spouse and his/her children want some one-on-one time.

• Many children whose parents are in new relationships feel insecure and might think their parent loves their new spouse more than they love them. It is important for the kids to have a close bond with both parents and it could become a significant family problem if you as the stepparent have a problem because of that.

Lemonade Moment of the Week

• David being sick and having some alone time.

In this episode, Darren and Paige spend some time together alone. No kids. This time in Greece. Follow their adventures to Athens, Santorini, and Peloponnese.

Why spending time alone together is important

• Recharge our relationship.
• Put all of our worries behind and focus on each other.
• Fall in love again.

Athens

• We arrived in the late afternoon and checked into the Grande Bretagne. Great hotel. 
• We were tired and wanted to head to bed. But we could hear music in the park next to the hotel. 
• The best food that night came from a tip from the Missionaries of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints who we ran into in the square.
• Great time in the park listening to music. This park was the center of musical talent every night we were there. See video on Greek rendition of Billy Jean.
• Temple of  Zeus, 
• Hadrian's Gate, 
• Acropolis Museum, 
• The next day we did the Athens thing and took the walk to the historical sites 20 000 steps.
• 
  
• Acropolis Hill and the Parthenon on the Acropolis. 
• Greecian Agora and walked the touristy streets weaving in and out of shops of greek cotton and olive oil, and olive wood bowls, cutting boards, spoons etc.
• We arrived at our hotel to find out the hotel was on lockdown and the police were there in riot gear. We only had to wait a couple of minutes to get in. It looks like we just missed all the fun.
• day 2 more sites in Athens, Agora, Olympic Stadium, and more time in the shops.
• Greek Opera where we had a great time. Darren caught up on some sleep. 

Paige runs the end of a marathon in the Olympic Stadium

Riot Police out our Hotel

Billy Jean Greek Style in the park across from our Hotel

Santorini

In this episode learn why it is important to take time to frequently renew your relationship. In our recent time away we recorded this podcast about the last eight years of our marriage. Find out our highs and lows and what we learned from it all.

What is different now compared to 8 years ago

• Our relationship with Darren's Ex has evolved. Time heals wounds.
• The roller coaster of your relationship with your ex dampens over the years. Not as extreme as it was in the beginning. 
• Our relationship is stronger now than before.
• 8 years ago we felt that love would conquer everything. Not true. Check out our podcast on the horrible first year.
• Emotions are very high that first year.

Challenges

• Under-estimate the effects of the divorce and then blending of families on the older kids.
• Did not set up good enough boundaries with the exes. How quick we respond to emails, we had to set a time to look at emails or texts.
• If you are going to go to court, get a lawyer. Avoid court as much as you can. It causes a major emotional, and financial burden.
• Helping older kids feel a part of the new household. 

Triumphs

• We don't live in regret, but we do try to learn from bad decisions.
• Got the kids into counseling. It did not work for everyone.
• We were in counseling. It taught us how to communicate and open up with each other.
• Navigating friends and limiting things you share with people.  Not everything needs to be told.
• Some of our older kids stepped up and formed strong relationships. showing all of the kids what a blended family can look like.
• Blending traditions.

Learnings

• Never talk bad about your ex in front of the kids or even in-ear shot.
• You are going to lose friends in your divorce.
• Your best friend should be your spouse. You should be able to share everything with them.
• Having fun with the kids. Made sure we had a happy and fun home. Little things that turn into traditions. 
• Be mindful of your kids and how they might react when you show affection in front of them.
• Be careful of overindulging your kids. Competing with your ex is dangerous and costly.

Lemonade Moment of Week

Paige is kind to the Ticket agent and gets us priority security checkout.

Decorating for the Holidays is a great tradition that turns a house into a home. For Paige and Darren, this was critical to helping their kids feel somewhat normal after blending the families. Even though we love the way our home is decorated, Darren's aversion to a disaster of a garage and piles of boxes made this time a year a time of dread and anxiety. Find out how we made our way through this.

History of Decorating the House

• We decorate for most holidays
• Paige needs to get it all done in 24 hours
• Inside and outside.
• Paige's Mom and Darren's Mom both have big decorations.
• When we got married Paige saw the new big house as a blank canvas for Holiday decorations.
• Paige would come home with bags of new ideas and decorations. The money did not annoy Darren. It was where to put the stuff.
• The Garage has never had a car in it.
• The boxes were out of control for a couple years.

Darren's Attitude Adjustment

• Paige wanted to bring some happiness and joyfulness in the house. Decorating for the holidays was a part of it of bringing happiness to the family
• Supporting your spouse when it is important to them.
• What do you do when something is really important to one of you and not the other.
  • Ignore it
  • Brainstorm how we can both be ok with it
  • What do I need to do to get on board?
  • The person wanting the support needs to be patient
• Understanding each other's strengths and weaknesses
  • Paige cannot work from a blank canvas
  • Darren is not great with details
  • Paige can make something beautiful and finished.
  • Darren is great at starting from blank page. But not finishing.
• In the beginning, it was frustrating to get everything done. 
• But now that we understand each others strengths we enjoy working together to get things done.

Lemonade Moment of the Week

Darren gets food poisoning and knocked off his feet for 24 hours. Jumps starts his Diet. And maybe he won't eat anything in the fridge anymore.

Many times we are searching for the perfect lemonade when we are dealt lemons. We know if we are positive enough and with enough sugar, we can find good in anything thrown our way. But sometimes we need to adjust our expectations to fit the current situation. In this episode, we talk about finding our own lemonade in these tough situations.

 Life can be hard

• Things don't always turn out the way you plan them.
• Story of us finding ourselves in our 40s single with kids.
• Over time we give up when our plans constantly fall through.
• Paige was hit with constant disappointment and stopped planning
• Darren lost control of his plans and went into a situational depression. 
• Even now things don't always work out the way we plan, but we have decided to find any goodness in the things that happen to us.

 How to Stay Positive

• Be Grateful 
  • There is always something going right. 
  • We did gratitude bucks with our kids 
  • Attitude of Gratitude 
• Look for silver linings 
  • Sometimes things that look really bad turn out to be good in the end 
  • Very hard to look at "in the moment". 
  • Look back at hard times for the good things about it. 
• Don't give up 
  • Often the greatest doubts occur just before a breakthrough. 
  • Perseverance is key here 
  • You cannot give up. People need us. 
• Look at the Big picture 
  • What direction do you want your life to head? 
  • What are you new goals, you can create new situations? 
  • What do you want to experience? 
  • What kind of person do you want to be? 
• Discouragement is just a trick 
  • It is a negative emotion. 
  • It tricks you into dwelling into the very place you want to leave. 
  • You have a destination far beyond where you are today. 
• Keep reading positive things. 
  • Stay off the negative forums and find a forum that could help you with positive messages 
  • Find a hobby that is uplifting. 
  • Most forums are a place to hear how bad your situation is. 
  • Is it keeping you down or building you up. 
  • Find something is more uplifting, maybe outside of 
• Have Fun 
  • Forget about your problem and do something different and fun. 
  • Sometimes we get wrapped up in the problems that then paralyze us. 

 Lemonade Moment of the Week

We went to a renaissance faire. This is outside of our normal comfort zone, but it was fun to experience new things. And we like to support new things in our town.

 Links

• https://www.life-with-confidence.com/how-to-stay-positive.html

In this episode the Wives discuss the continuance of their unproductive co-parenting relationship.  April recalls an incident where Loren attacked her insecurities, by insulting her recent lip injections.  April also continues the saga of her pregnant daughter and the drama behind that situation. Loren remembers how difficult her life was when she felt alienated from her children's lives.  She takes us back to the relationship she was in and recalls just how serious things were becoming.  

Find out how Darren & Paige handle Middle Schoolers that are going through "The Change" from perfect little kids to tweenies and teenagers with raging hormones and attitudes as they try and learn to become adults. Throw a blended family and two sets of parents and problems become even more difficult to manage.

Middle School aged kids

• Middle school is when Kids get their hormones, Puberty is just as hard on parents as it is on kids.
• Kids are trying to figure out who they are.
• Friendships
• Social media, cell phones and the internet
• Sex, Drugs, Alcohol
• Faith, and Virtue

Add in Blending families

• Add on top of that Step-Parents, Step Siblings, etc.. and it can be a disaster.
• Two homes to deal with
• Complex schedules with more activities,
• Doubled up chores and fun.
• Carpools
• Discipline
• Rules are different
• Easy to get lost in a Blended family. 10 siblings instead of a handful.
• Kids at this age are already self-conscience about who they are and how they fit in.
• Helping children feel loved. Normal kids have a hard time with this add-in a step-parent and that insecurity is heightened.
• Don't disengage when kids act out it further contributes to parent-child discord and marital dissatisfaction.
• Kids don't have control of the situation which adds to the stress and disillusionment of the current situation.
• Parents are afraid to parent because they won't be a loved parent. You will compare yourself to your kid's step-parents or bio parent. 

Survival Tips

• Demand and Give Respect
• Get to know your kids' friends.
• Talk openly with your kids about sex, drugs, and alcohol.
• Do not pack your kids a bag. 
• Their clothes are their clothes.
• They need some ownership and control over some things.
• Know when to walk away with your middle schooler.
• You and your spouse need to show a common front.

Lemonade Moment of the Week

Madeline is self aware enough to interview our Dog about being in a blended family. You have to see the video on youtube. 

Links

• https://www.familylife.com/articles/topics/parenting/ages-and-stages/tweens/30-tips-for-raising-middle-schoolers/

This week Paige continues to teach Darren what she learned at "Education Week". This episode we tackle managing problems, not solving problem, managing them. Some problems, like putting socks in the hamper,  take a long to solve, but all problems can be managed. 

 Checking in

• Exacerbated by my kids, your kids. We are sensitive to this and what we actually do it.
• Complaints aren’t fun but we need to deal with them
• What complaints do we need to share?
• You need to decide what is important
• Only the couple can decide together.

 Four-step problem solving

1. Discuss   Use speaker listening technique
   • Structured way to communicate safely. The point is to create safety in the relationship.
   • I felt Z, when you did X, in situation Y.
   • Be respectful and be specific
   • Make sure you respect the rules
   • Taking time to discuss says, "I want to know and understand you better.
   • You are ready to move on when you both understand each other's Point of View
2. Set an Agenda
   • Pick a bite-sized piece to work on
   • ex - Problem is money - bite-size piece is talk about max out visa
3. Brainstorm
   • write down all your good ideas and how to address the problem
   • Try to make all suggestions positive - both in tone (not snarky) and in terms of what you can do rather than what to stop doing
   • Don't criticize or roll eyes
4. Agree
   • One of the reasons it's hard for couples to find a solution that sticks is that they try to find the perfect solution to the whole problem right now. That's not realistic.
   • Choose one idea you brainstormed together to experiment with, and set a timeframe to make it work.

 Regular Couple Meetings

• Once a weekly meeting to meet together to talk about issues and check-in. Regular maintenance meeting. Keep things small and manageable. 30 minutes
• Keep a running list and limit what you talk about for 30 minutes
• Dealing with problems does not mean solving it.
• Share expectations
• Become aware
• Be willing

 Lemonade Moment of the Week

• We have a dog. A small dog. A dog that seeks revenge by peeing in the house. We removed all of our carpet downstairs. Putting in carpet squares.

 Links

• http://lovetakeslearning.com 

In this episode, Darren and Paige cover the importance of Girl's trips, the emotions of the husband left behind.

History of Girls trips

• From 1993 to 2008 the number of "Girl's Trips" grew by 230%.  From 2008 to 2019 it more than doubled again.
• 25% of adult women have taken a girl's trip in the last 3 years
• 40% of adult women plan to take a girl's trip in the next 3 years
• Paige's girl's trips.

Purpose of Girls Trips

• A much needed break for me from my family
• Reconnecting with friends
• Rejuvenate
• Teaching kids the value of good friendships
• Quality time with dad
• They miss me
• I miss them

Emotions around Girls Trips

• A story about when Paige and Darren saw a girls trip that seemed out of control.
• When you are the one left behind you might have feelings of jealousy, fear, trust

Link

• https://www.southernliving.com/healthy-living/benefits-vacation-with-friends
• http://www.nbcnews.com/id/24114207/ns/travel-seasonal_travel/t/girlfriends-getaways-booming-trend-travel/#.XXXZfShKiUk
• https://burlingtonvt.citymomsblog.com/2015/11/12/girlfriends-getaways-important/
• https://gutsytraveler.com/women-travel-statistics-women-travel-expert/

In this episode, the Wives continue to discuss the negative co-parenting relationship they maintained.  They talk about how difficult it was to communicate in all aspects.  April describes her wedding day and shares a secret with Loren that has them both in tears with laughter.  Loren also tells us about the new love interest she met during that time in her life.

Friends are yet another tricky subject in divorce. Who gets what friends after a divorce? Does your new spouse make friends with your friends? What happens if you are in the same social circles still? Are there people that want to be friends with both you and your ex? It gets complicated really fast.

In this episode, we talk about the pitfalls and traps and how to avoid them.

Who Gets the Friends in a Divorce

• Cannot specify which friends go to who, in the divorce papers.
• Moving to a new location is typically what happens for one of the people. So that problem is not common for everyone.
• In our situation, Darren did not move, some friends had to take sides.
• It will be hard to have a friend still be both of your friends. You have put them in the middle of your mess. Not fair. You need to let them go sometimes.
• Sometimes you might lose a friend because "divorce is contagious". It is very hurtful. But you need to be understanding.

How to Make Friends in your Spouses Circle of Friends

• Church Friends, Soccer mom friends, that you might have in common with your spouse's ex.
• Three sets of friends.
  • Your friends - Your exes friends - Friends with both parties.
  • Be respectful of your exes friends, boundaries are good.
  • Be understanding of your friends, they are trying to navigate the situation the best they can.
  • Venting to a person might seem ok but who do they talk to and who talks to them. Word gets out very fast in a small community. Be careful to only vent to one or two people who you can trust and know that they will not share what you have told them with anyone. 
• Communicating with the friend network can be difficult.
  • When you travel in the same circles and have common friends make sure you are communicating really well with your ex, for your friend's sake.

Being Friends of a Divorced Couple

• Both get invited to a party by the same person. Can be awkward and uncomfortable.
• It can be hard to navigate communicating with a couple that has been divorced. We feel for you.
• Don't get your feelings hurt if someone does not come to the party, lunch, or soccer game.
• We have invited two couples that are exes, to a party just recently, without thinking about how it might affect them. 
• Be supportive, try to understand that you cannot understand what they go through until you have gone through it.
• Realize that all words spoken will go to the other side of the relationship. Be respectful and speak kind words.
• If you are friends with both sides, you need to figure out who needs you at the moment.

Lemonade Moment of the week

At a wedding of Darren's niece, Paige accidentally wakes up Darren at 1:30 am in the morning trying to find her purse that she did not bring on the trip...

Links

• https://www.chicagotribune.com/lifestyles/sc-fam-divorce-contagious-0821-story.html

When people get divorces there is a huge financial explosion. All of the assets you have built together are now going to be exploded and divided. Not just two ways, lawyers will get their cut as well. But your financial obligation does not stop there, it is just the beginning. The emotions around money in divorce, alimony, and child support are pretty raw. In this episode, we investigate those feelings and how to deal with them.

Divorce is Costly

• Divorce is expensive. Especially if you have assets to divide, and if you are contesting child custody or alimony. 
• Typical divorces cost $20,000 but can easily balloon to over $100,000.
• Many couples find themselves in bankruptcy after a divorce or right before it is finalized.
• The divorce is just the beginning for costs. You need to make the money that you have now pay for two homes, two sets of clothes, etc...
• A good income just went to an ok income.
• Everything you have been working for your whole life has been destroyed. Now divided to 4 parties. You, your ex,  the lawyers, and the kids. 
• Courts do not want to make subjective rules on support. They default to a calculator as much as possible, based on your situation. Every state has a calculator. You can find them online.
• Pay what the court mandates you have to pay. Not paying only gets you in trouble with the court and cost you so much more.
• You may run into a problem with garnishment. 
• Keep all of you returned checks or receipts when you pay child support or alimony. Most states will garnish wages before evidence is brought forth.

Feeling of resentment

• You may have feelings of resentment if you pay a large amount of child support or alimony to your ex. 
• When you work 60 hours a week and you see your ex buy a new car, or boat or go on a trip to Europe, you have a feeling that you paid for those things and how is that fair?
• You need to get over it. I try to disconnect my paying child support to anything going in my Exes life.  Even after several years it still stings sometimes.
• The feeling of resentment can also occur with your spouse. Why do they get to go to Hawaii and we cannot afford it?
• Be mindful of how you can cause resentment if you are receiving support are you bragging about your new car, trip, etc.. on Facebook? Is that causing resentment to the one you are getting support from? 
• You should not be friends with your ex on Facebook. 
• When you blend the families you need to work through who is working where etc...
  • When we got married Paige wanted to stay home with the little kids. But we were not sure we could afford it. That caused resentment because Darren makes a good living, but is now supporting two households.

Tips 

• Try your best to limit how much the lawyers get, by working with your ex.
• You need a post divorce life budget. Your finances are very different now.
• You should not be writing a personal check. Find ways to take the emotion out of it. Setting up automatic payments if possible. 
• Keep the canceled check or proof of payment.
• Don't expect an account of where the money is spent. No judge will require this.
• Make it as business-like as possible.  Make it a bill pay from your bank.
• Some states have payment options through the state website.
  • We pay through the state and we pay with our credit card and get points for Travel.
• Consider it a tax or something that comes up automatically.

Right after a divorce is hard for everyone. You and your kids will be going through all ranges of emotion. You have a tendency to act based on those emotions of fear, guilt, sadness, and anger. Many times, this leads to uncharacteristically doing things you would not normally do. Like, getting a dog even though you are allergic, or skydiving, or heading to Disneyland. In this episode, we explore those first few months after a divorce and how to try to not overindulge your kids.

The Emotional part of Divorce

• Your kids will be mad at you. They are going to be angry at the situation or at you, your ex-spouse or both.
• You will be mad at you ex. When you are co-parenting things will happen that just make you mad.
• Emotions during a divorce are mostly negative. There might be some relief, but in general, most of the emotions are sad and negative.
• You need to find things that bring happiness and joy into the situation, for your kids and you.
  • Do not force family time on your kids 
  • Create opportunities
• Self-care is important at this time, but remember your kids need stability and reassurance from you. They need your emotional support. Find a good balance.
• Kids need security 
  • Security comes from knowing what is expected of them and having a stable home environment — not one that is based on emotions alone.

Watch out for Overindulgence

• Divorce Dog, Skydiving
• Disneyland Dad syndrome
• What is overindulgence?
  • No rules, no chores or  no discipline
  • Giving lavish gifts
  • Seeking pleasure while minimizing any disappointments
• So it is ok to go to Disneyland, but do the kids have chores at home?
• Are they showing gratitude?
• Do the kids learn about consequences to their actions both good and bad?
• Are the kids living in a complete Fantasyland that will create little monsters later on?
• You need to consider what is going on with the kids at both houses. Are they doing chores in both homes? Don't overload them with the same chores back to back.
• Do not get in a competition with gift-giving with your ex-spouse.
  • First Christmas together example

Co-Parenting is Different than Parenting

• You cannot parent the same way you did before.
• We tend to be more lenient, especially with the older kids, because you are afraid the kids will want to live with the other parent.
• Watch out about parenting out of a position of fear. You will always be afraid.
• It feels like and we act like it is a competition for the love of our children.
• Divorce changes the environment and you must adjust how you will parent from this point forward.

Tips

• Create opportunities for the kids to be involved and to be together as a family
• Don't push your kids into doing things they don't feel comfortable with
• Have fun with your kids 
  • Take them to activities
  • Work with them
  • Work together to get something done and then have fun
• Remember your relationship with your kids is going to change. Your parenting will change too.

Links

• https://goodmenproject.com/families/dont-become-disneyland-dad-divorce-bbab/
• https://dadsdivorce.com/articles/understanding-the-disneyland-dad/

Tina the Divorce Dog

Overindulgent Christmas

One of the worst days in our lives was telling our kids we were getting divorced. Turns out it is also the worst day in the lives of our kids too. In this episode, we discuss how we navigated the tricky conversation that we had with our kids. Our approaches were very different but we found some common things that seemed to work, and some things that did not work so well.

How to tell your kids your getting divorced

• Paige - 
  • Got no advice on how to talk to the kids.
  • Spur of the moment. Decided that morning.
  • Not all the kids were there. Just Jake and Rachel. Then she called Amanda.
  • Sat down together and told the kids together.
  • They told the kids the reason for the divorce. 
  • Separation for over a year.
  • What would you have changed?
• Darren -
  • Got advice from a marriage counselor on how to talk to the kids about the divorce.
  • Planned how we were going to tell the kids for 4 months.
  • In the meantime I purchased a house down the street from the house we were renting at the time.
  • Told all of the kids at the same time.
  • Did not tell the kids why we were getting divorced.
  • Were legally separated for almost 5 months before telling the kids.
  • All the kids were talking to counselors before the divorce. They all had someone to talk to.
• Tips
  • BE CALM and not in a high emotional state. You need to make sure you are calm cool and collected.
  • Plan out what you are going to say.
  • Give the kids the opportunity to ask questions and time to.

What to do after you tell the kids

• Show the kids that something has changed. Where are people staying?
• Getting help for your kids. Someone to talk to.
• Try and set up a routine.
• Try and do fun things with them.
  • Don't get a dog! Everyone does. 
• Being there for them.

Tips

• It's about the children not about you. Don't inject your anxiety into the situation.
• What is the plan for the day after you tell the kids?
• Are you still living in the same house?
• What logistics are there? Who pays for what? 
• What do the kids think we could have done differently.
• Should you tell the kids why you got divorced?

Lemonade Moment of the Week

Darren & Paige take the kids to Hidden falls where they climb the falls and traverse through the river picking and eating blackberries. See the evidence of Darren climbing the falls last year.

Links

• https://www.mother.ly/parenting/how-to-tell-your-kids-youre-getting-a-divorce
• http://theconversation.com/how-to-tell-your-child-youre-getting-divorced-101193
• https://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/divorce-and-infidelity/hope-for-the-separated/parenting-during-separation

Open communication is important to any relationship. Don't mistake open communication for transparency like we did. Transparency is about visibility,  open communication is more about how, when and where you communicate. In this episode find out how Darren & Paige muddle through their journey to open communication in their marriage.

In Marriage

• Be Timely 
  • (Don't put it off, but make sure it is an appropriate time), Pick the right time.
  • Not when you are too angry.
  • Read the room for the mood.
• Be Flexible
  • Conversations don't always go as planned.
  • Don't get attached to the way you planned the conversation, you will be disappointed in the direction it takes.
  • Move with the dialog. Bend with it and work with the direction it is going.
• Be Patient
  • No one communicates perfectly.
  • Listen to what they are saying instead of planning your perfect response.
• Be Intuitive
  • There are more than words when you are communicating.
  • Listen to understand the feeling behind it.
  • This is not an excuse to twist the words of your partner.
  • Read between the lines in a good way, not a bad way. Give your partner the benefit of the doubt.
  • Not everyone is a good communicator.
• Be Accepting
  • Hard to communicate when you are filled with judgment.
  • Let your partner know that you care and love them.
  • When you are feeling judged you just want to shut down.
• Be Honest
  • Honesty is one of the most important aspects.
  • Clarity, love, and gentleness
  • Don't dodge the truth for fear on how it will be perceived, you will build bigger walls.
• Take responsibility, you are in control of the way you communicate with your partner.
• You cannot control how your spouse communicates. You control yourself, but hopefully, in time they will reciprocate your communication style.

With the Kids

• Why is Open Communication is important for our kids?
  • If we don't tell them things they make it up. They fill in the gaps, which can be far worse than reality.
• Example of Sam finding out why his parents got divorced.
  • Timely
  • Respect of everyone else involved.
• Make sure your kids know the custody schedules and any changes to the schedule.
  • We use a Google Calendar that they can see.
  • Use a weekly "sync" meeting with the kids to talk about weekly schedule and changes.
• Don't use the kids to communicate with your Ex!!!

With your Exes

• Be flexible with communication with your Ex
  • Many marriages end because you could not communicate effectively in the past. 
  • Divorce does not fix communication problems. It makes it 100x worse.
  • Move with the dialog, bend with communication. Don't be on the defensive.
• Be timely with communication with respect to children's well being. Try and keep emotion out of it.
• Remember you are no longer married and you respect boundaries and timeliness

Lemonade Moment of the Week

Darren and Paige learn from this episode about their own communication patterns and make changes to improve.

Triggers exist from previous marriages, childhood trauma and just living life. In this episode, we discuss how we have been able to navigate triggers, sometimes successfully sometimes not so much. Find out how to handle triggers, avoid them and recover from them.

Triggers

• Pavlov's Dogs - Ring a bell and they salivate.
• A trigger is an intense, emotional reaction to a present behavior that reminds you of something painful from your past. 
• Triggers can be words, facial expressions, smells, music, sounds, etc...
• When Paige goes silent Darren gets worried.
• When Darren is late that is a trigger for Paige
• Paige needs to know 100% of the truth. No vagueness.
• Internet use in the middle of the night.
• Biggest emotion from a trigger is fear.
• FEAR - False Evidence Appearing Real
• 
  
• Some common fears are:
  • Feeling like you're not enough or unworthy
  • Not feeling safe emotionally or physically
  • Feeling left out or abandoned
  • Feeling misunderstood or invalidated
  • Feeling disrespected or criticized

You Triggered

• Normally our minds go to completely irrational places based on history that we have had in the past.
• We have feelings of insecurity, fear, doubt, anger.
• It seems to happen instantaneously.
• This might lead to saying the wrong thing. Placing your spouse in an unrealistic environment for failure.
• What should you do when triggered:
  • You should first recognize you have been triggered. 
  • Tell your spouse that you have been triggered. "That was a trigger for me".
  • Calm down and try and be rational.
  • Tell your spouse what triggered you.
  • Remember who you are talking to and give them the benefit of the doubt.
• What if your trigger is justified, a warning sign of bad behavior, or protection.

Your Spouse Triggered

• Identify what triggers your spouse. Don't do it.
• Calm down first.
• Talk to them rationally after they have been triggered.
• Talk to them about what caused the trigger. Talk openly about how to avoid the trigger in the future.
• Remind them that you are not your ex-spouse and that your behavior is not a precursor to other things.
• Change the words, music, facial expression, smell, whatever the trigger was to avoid it from happening again.

Funny Moment of the Week

We had a family reunion this last week and with two days left the power went out in our remote cabin in Southern Utah. No hot showers and no internet meant we had to spend time talking to each other. :) 

Links

• https://www.counselingrecovery.com/blog-san-jose/how-to-heal-a-relationship-trigger

In this episode we discuss how hard it is to be a step-mom on Mother's Day, heck even Biological Mom's have a hard time with Mother's Day. Find out how we deal with this great day to remember the Moms in our lives.

Feeling Let down on Mother's Day Happens to Both Mom's and Step Mom's

• Look at the roots of Mother's Day
  • Started by Anna Jarvis in 1908 by having a special Sunday Service in remembrance to her Mother
  • Officially in 1914 by President Wilson
  • It was a time to go back to your home and go to church with your Mother
  • White carnations were worn as a badge of respect for mother's that had passed, red and pink for living mothers
  • It has become one of the biggest holidays for consumer spending. Families also celebrate by giving mothers a day off from activities like cooking or other household chores.
  • Anna Jarvis later started fighting the commercialization of Mother's Day
• Watch every Mother's Day episode of "The Middle"
• Generally mothers and step-mothers both feel let down from Mother's Day
• Step-mom's get the raw end of the deal
  • This must be really hard for women that have no kids of their own and only step-kids

Dealing with Hard Feelings and Jealousy

• This can be very difficult as you might have feelings of being forgotten or left out
• Remember the simple things that your spouse and kids do for you on all of the other days
• Women have to take some responsibility for the situation. Help your kids and your spouse help you.
• If we want our expectations to be managed somewhat then we have to take some control
• Respect that the kids are going to be loyal to their bio parent
  • Would you like your kids to share the day with their step-mom?
• Reach out to your own mom. Try and focus on your mom instead of yourself.

Kids Need Guidance and Help

• Kids are loyal to their bio parents, as well as they should be
  • But it can still be hurtful to you
• Your husband needs to step it up, but he will need reminders
• We have tried to have Step-Mother's Day the week before Mother's Day, with all of the kids. This gives Darren's kids the opportunity to do something nice for Paige since they are always at their mom's for Mother's Day, as it should be.
• Men and women think differently. Women tend to overthink things. Men typically never do. It is rare to hear a man complaining about his stepchildren not calling him on Father's Day.
• If your ex-spouse isn't re-married you should help your kids for Mother's Day, Father's Day and birthdays. 
• You are teaching your kids to be thoughtful
  • They are seeing you as a kind person
  • Get over your pride and help them celebrate their parent

Funny Moment of the Week

On the way to the memorial service for Paige's dad, Darren forgot all the ties and hankies that the boiys were supposed to be wearing. Had to turn around and get them. Got stuck in the express lane and then almost ran out of gas. Not funny haha, funny ugh.

Links

• http://www.jamiescrimgeour.com/the-poptart-diaries/to-the-stepmom-feeling-unappreciated-on-mothers-day
• https://www.history.com/topics/holidays/mothers-day

In this episode April and Loren introduce themselves and give listeners an insight into who they are, what listeners can expect to hear, when they will be podcasting and blogging, where they will podcast and the significance of the place, and most importantly - the reason the Wife's decided to join forces and tackle this journey together as a TEAM!

Christmas Card 2013

Treat each kid uniquely

• Lunches. Darren made everyone the same thing. Paige asked the kids what they liked.
• You need to find out what they like and don't like.
• Sometimes a mall food court is the best option to take the family out.
• Give kids the opportunity to choose dinner.
• Discipline is different for each kid. 
  • The rules are the same but our reaction and discipline are different for each kid.
  • The goal is to help the individual kid and keep some peace and tranquility in the house.

Go One-on-One

• Sam gets a lot of one on one time.
• The other kids not as much. We want all of the kids together.
  • We have had opportunities to be one one one. (Field Trips, trip to the grocery store, etc..)
  • Date night with their kids
  • Individual spontaneous time is just as good as a fully planned out activity.
• 12-year-old trip with Dad.
• Individual trip when kids are adults - We try and make the opportunity when we can.
• Cook dinner with one of the kids on Thursday nights.
• Watch a show together.
• How do you teach to share when you want your kids to be individuals in a blended family.

Be a Team

• Make sure that each member knows that they are part of a team.
  • Individualism is important but not at the cost of the family.
  • Kids can be so unique or individualized that they do not see themselves as part of the family.
• Examples on being a team
  • Cleaning the kitchen, the back yard, clean out the car.
• Everyone has a unique role that they play. Make sure they feel like they are part of a team and not just an individual.
• Sometimes it is too bad that the kids don't like doing something. They are part of the family.
  • The kids might be resentful at first but in the end, they are grateful.

Don't Play Favorites

• We joke about this a lot.
  • Every day, our favorite changes depending on what they are bringing to the family.
• Family gifts or souvenirs from travels. The kids notice who is getting what.
  • Equity and uniqueness are key.
  • Make sure you don't just peanut butter everyone with the same thing.
  • Most meaningful is individualized. 
  • Christmas ornaments. (Grandma's give the same, parents try to be unique)
• Funny moment of the Week

Madeline trying to mimic one of the acts on America's got Talent (Courtney Hadwin). Nothing like your 14-year-old daughter trying to sing a classic rock song she has never heard.

Links

• http://refreshedmag.com/4-ways-to-make-every-kid-in-a-large-family-feel-special/
• https://www.parents.com/parenting/better-parenting/advice/6-small-ways-to-make-each-of-your-kids-feel-special/

Too many Christmas Presents

Why Traditions are important

• They give us a foundation to build our lives on
• They give us a sense of roots and belonging
• We asked the kids what they thought
  • The Younger kids had a different perspective than the older kids 
  • They can only remember the traditions that we currently have
  • They have some that are doubled up
• Older kids remember
  • Some of the traditions when we were still married to their parents. Some we have dropped
  • Some of the traditions that we continue to do give them a sense of belonging to this new family
• Building Traditions in Blended Families
  • Keep Traditions (Combining)
  • Choose one over another
  • Creating new ones

Keeping Traditions

• Keeping both traditions for the same event
• Sausage Fondue and Eggs Benedict - combined Christmas breakfast
• Sausage Fondue is from Paige’s first husbands family
• Giving the kids an ornament is from Paige’s first husbands family
• Acting out the Nativity
• Fondue on Christmas Eve
• Easter baskets 
• Carving Pumpkins. Only kids like, we wouldn't mind if it went away ;)

Choosing one over another

• Opening Christmas Presents
  • opening Christmas presents one at a time
  • this took 6 hours the first time to open presents.
  • we wanted to be the Disneyland parents the first Christmas. Yes, we tried to buy our kids acceptance of the blended family
• Christmas Dinner
  • dropped Darren's typical dinner and went with Paige's

Creating new ones

• We tried a new tradition of going to a tree farm to get a Christmas tree for a few years.
  • ended up at  home depot to get a tree
  • we now have a fake tree.
• Ice cream for dinner (fail, everyone was sick). Dinner for dessert
• Monday night swim parties
• Swimming at Christmas
• Ikea Scavenger Hunt
• Valentine days auction
• Dancing before bed
• Reading Scriptures never really took hold until Dallin challenged us to read scriptures consistently, which is now 5 years and going
• Ice Skating at Christmas every year (No one totally enjoys this, everything hurts and we are cold, but it is fun. ;)
• Cooking competition

The most important thing about Traditions

• It is never too late to start. This is for blended and traditional families
• Some things are kids said:
  • Julianne said, “I was a hardcore traditionalist when I was little. If we altered traditions, especially after my parent's divorce, it was hard for me.  After our families blended, they were combined and formed so well.  I am so grateful for all our fun traditions, especially our new ones. ”
  • Jacob said, “Doing fun things together has really made a difference with our family. I see a lack of that with other families”
  • Amanda Said, “When it comes down to it, traditions don't really matter, what matters is the meaning behind them, which is being a family and being together and that is where you guys have excelled and made all of us feel so loved and welcomed and part of something bigger than we were before.”

The funny moment this week.

After church on Sunday, we were talking about what we learned. Madeline mentioned Christ taught when someone slaps you, you need to turn the other cheek. As she said this she pretended to slap her brother. He moved at the perfect time and got a good little slap. She then said, "Sam, turn the other cheek!" He, in turn, said that he learned in Church how to control his anger and that he hoped Madeline could learn how to control her anger. It was pretty funny and we all laughed so hard that we could not finish dinner.

Links for this week

• Dallin's Shrimp Scampi
• Lloyd Sausage Fondue
• Ikea Scavenger Hunt

Ice Cream for Dinner

Valentines' Day Auction

IKEA Scavenger Hunt