step mom

In this episode, we review what happened in 2020. What our plans were, how they adjusted, and how we grew closer together as a family. Learn about travel plans, weddings, eating habits, toilet paper and how we handled it.

What we thought 2020 would bring

• The year started off great with great plans for trips, weddings, and performances from the kids.
• Paige and the boys went to see The Cursed Child in San Francisco.
• Kids were in school and early morning seminary.
• It was David's first year to go to Youth dances and they started the year off with a house full of teenagers getting ready and going to the New Year's Eve dance. This was the first year that all three kids would be going to dances monthly. And give Paige and I some quiet time alone once a month.
• Trip to New York with our Daughter that just got home from her mission to New York. March 20. New York exploded with COVID and closed down. Broadway and an Opera at the Met were canceled.
• The year started out with great plans of an 8-week sabbatical and trips to Northern Europe in June. Canceled and sabbatical postponed
• March 13th, 2020 will be the day the pandemic really hit home for the US. Schools were canceled. All Darren's business trips were cancelled, Pandemic Websites became the most visited website in our house. Toilet paper was in shortage, We stocked up on rice, oatmeal, canned food. And buckled down for what we thought would be 3-4 months.
• Wedding of Andy and Jacob was being planned and re-planned

What 2020 actually brought

• Adult Children came home during the pandemic. School, work,
• More time with the kids
• More family time together. Darren not traveling, kids at home not at school.
• Summer spent in the pool, on walks, playing games, reading, watched family shows together. 
  • Marvel movie series, DC movies, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, X-Men.
• Kids took Paige and Darren's workspaces. Darren Moved to the bedroom. Paige's work moved to the family room.
• Hard to balance when work ends every day for Darren since his office is now in the bedroom.
• We were eating very healthy at the beginning of the year. Losing weight for Darren. Then food became a comfort. And not the good kind of food. Lots of Cakes and cookies. Thanks Madeline.
• Less time with friends.
• Weird Travel for Jacob's Wedding in Colorado. Masks everywhere.
• Lots of frustration and Zoom calls.
• Darren's Family started having weekly family zoom calls.
• No in-person Church. But we started meeting outside. Until it got too cold.
• Socializing changed dramatically. We would have a weekly BBQ and pool party all summer long. Not this year.

What 2021 might bring

• In-person school
• In-person Church
• Travel, Travel, Travel. (Family Reunion, Trips to Utah, Trip to Arkansas with David, maybe to Vienna for Christmas, Hallmark movie)
• Maybe a Sabbatical
• Parties and get-togethers with our friends.
• A teenage driver in the house. 
• Some quiet when the kids are in school. Back on our own schedules.
• A new Grandson. Thanks, Rachel and Russell.

Lemonade Moment of the Week

Covid and kids at home led to overeating food not good for us. Up side we started a new diet that we are already feeling good about.

Youtube Video: https://youtu.be/CiPitufrJ1g

Blended families get judged. No doubt about it. The kids get judged, they come from a broken family, they are going to have issues in school, and in relationships in the future. And the adults do too. They didn't try hard enough in the previous marriage, they gave up too easily, or be careful around them. In this episode, Paige and Darren explore the judgment they have made and have been victims.

Judging Divorced People

• Common Judgements
  • They were selfish
  • They were bad communicators
  • They were lazy
  • They didn't put their kids first
  • They didn't have faith
• People of Divorce carry the big "D" or "F" for failure
• Divorce is a scary thing. Many people want to steer clear of it for fear of it becoming their own reality.
  • When Paige went through her divorce, so of her friends or their husbands were concerned about divorce being contagious.
  • Darren felt the same way before his divorce and steered clear of divorcing couples.
• Having a friend or relative going through divorce increases divorce by 17% according to pew research.

Being Judged

• How can a divorced person get through the stigma.
• We feel like we have to prove ourselves. People judge us before they know us.
• Divorced people just want to feel approved of and accepted by those we care about.
• What people think of you is none of your business. Anonymous in Artcle at the Huffington post
• When divorcing people start telling friends and family about their impending split, one great worry they have is, "What will people think?" Fear of criticism and the judgment of others abounds.

Judging Kids of Divorce and Blended Families

• Kids of Divorce are broken
  • Mental Health Problems
  • Behavior Problems
  • Poor Academic Performance
  • Risk-Taking Behaviors
• Instead of judging, have more patience, Give our kids the benefit of the doubt. Try to be understanding.
• Kids are navigating a lot. They are balancing two households. Maybe additional new parents or more adults
• Final Judgement and Immediate Judgement.
  • Final Judgement means you write someone off completely.
  • The immediate judgment gives the person the opportunity  be seen as who we really are.

Lemonade Moment of the Week

Stress filled weekend as Madeline prepares for her drivers test. She got it. 

Links

• https://www.verywellfamily.com/psychological-effects-of-divorce-on-kids-4140170
• https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/contemplating-divorce/201101/what-will-people-think-when-they-find-out-im-divorcing
• https://www.huffpost.com/entry/5-things-i-used-to-judge-_b_6123356

In this episode, Darren & Paige try to figure out how to keep things even between the kids, the ex(s), and the different houses. This is not an easy task! In fact,  we find that it is impossible and probably a waste of time and effort. Time to swallow your pride and do what is best for the kids and not worry about keeping up with your ex.

Trying to be even with your Ex

• Do you get  a new car when you find out your ex gets a new car
  • Vacationing equity
  • Moving to a new house
  • New Car
  • Parties for the kids
  • Kids friend over
• Time helps with not feeling like keeping up. Most of the time
• Remind yourself that the kids are the important thing.
• Don't try to keep up with your Ex.
• We might not enjoy doing something you might want to do it when you hear the Ex is doing with the kids.
• Celebrate the kids having opportunities to do more things than they would with just you.

Kids wanting things even

• Recently our 15 years old said. I always miss out when you do things.
• Sometimes kids don't have the opportunity that their step-siblings have because things are different at different houses. Like Sailing
• Stop doing things just because we don't have all of the kids.
• Sometime when the kids do something with their mom, we want to do the same thing with Sam. Keeping things even.
  • Watching TV shows together. Do we wait to do it with all of the kids?
  • Movies, Do you change your plans because they already have plans with their Mom.
• Try to make things even between the two houses for the kids?
  • Pumpkin patch
  • Hikes
  • Birthday parties
• Double the chores at two houses. But Sam only has one house to do chores.
  • How do you make it even? 
• Life is not fair

Lemonade Moment of the Week

Halloween decorations are out and it only took us 1 day. We have finally figured it out.

In this episode, Darren and Paige discuss how things in a marriage are not always equally balanced, but focusing on unity in a marriage can overcome the ups and downs of the equality equation. How do you balance the leadership roles with household management, discipline of kids, managing money, fostering romance, and providing for the family.

Fostering Equality

• "Neither man nor woman is perfect or complete without the other. No marriage... is likely to reach its full potential until husbands and wives ... work together in unity of purpose, respecting and relying upon each other's strengths."
• One of the greatest stumbling blocks in marital Satisfaction is sharing leadership
  • Kids,
  • Money,
  • Sex,
  • Work inside and outside of the home
• 3 of the 10 top ten strengths of happy couples are related to Leadership sharing

Love and Respect Each other as Equal Partners

• Walk side by side with respect, appreciation and love.
• Each person in the relationship provides strengths and weaknesses to the relationship. 
• Strengths should be focused on to cover weaknesses. Together your strengths outshine you individual weaknesses
• Focusing on Weaknesses breakdown the relationship and exposes the relationship and individuals.
• Working as a Team like a basketball or a football team. Not one player can cover the complete field. Individuals have different roles and strengths together win. The key is respect and appreciation for the strengths each brings.

Making it real

Roles and Controlling

• Ultimately, the couple is responsible for everything together.
• Roles are taken by individuals to help achieve goals of the couple.
  • Paying bills,
  • Homework with kids,
  • Financially providing
  • Cleaning House,
  • Laundry,
  • Yard work,
• Roles shift depending on the circumstances and environment at the time.
• Hiding information is a way of controlling.

Shared Decision Making

• When do you need to make decisions together and when can you make a decision as an individual.
  • Money, is there a limit on how much  > $500?
  • Where to live,
  • The discipline of kids and stepkids
• When the decision effect the family the decision should be made together.

Acting and Celebrating as One

• Men and women are very different. They have different strengths. Individuals as well.
• The different strengths come together to make the marriage one a single entity that is stronger and happier than the individual.
• Very hard when you are blending families:
  • Different attitudes toward money, disciple, 
• Do you celebrate the success of each other's individual success?
• Do you celebrate together? ( Everyone gets a Superbowl ring.)

Lemonade moment of the week

Find out how to throw a COVID-19 wedding when children of a blended family get married. Something that could be over the top stressful turns out to be wonderful and very low stress.

Blended Family twist

• Wedding Invitations ( What names go on the invite, etc... Whose name goes first, etc...)
• Who is paying for what at the wedding, grooms family pays but which set of parents on the grooms family, who do you ask for what
• Pictures. Who is going to be in the pictures?
  • Lists sent out ahead of time on who is going to be in the pictures.
  • The Step-Parents get into the pictures together. Funny moment.
• Rehearsal dinner, Who sits next to who.
• Who are they going to stay with when prepping for things?
•  Our side has double the number of a parent than the other side
• Who is sitting next to who at the parents' table?
• We felt for the bride's family as they have to deal with two sets of parents and not knowing the dynamics between the couples.

COVID Restrictions

• Limited in the Temple to 6 people then up to 16 people. Ability to adjust quickly to handle the changes.
• Limited to 30 people for the Ring ceremony
• Low-stress evening.
• Rehearsal Dinner the night before. 
  • Finding a restaurant to handle the group means making adjustments. Eating at 3pm instead of in the evening.
• The kids still got everything that they wanted, but at a smaller more intimate.
  • Bridal Shower, Ring Ceremony, Pictures, Dancing, Wedding Cake, Sparklers,
  • Jacob even had a bachelor party with his brothers. 

Lemonade Moment of the Week

• We had a car breakdown when driving from Southern California. It has be in Los Banos for two weeks and we picked it up today and it is working fine. $100 Diagnostics. Thanks Car Guys.

Darren and Paige spend a week away from the world with the family. No COVID, no riots, just the forests, canyons, and family. Learn how we disconnect from our worldly cares and have a fun time decompressing.

• Important to get away from the bad news of COVID, riots, etc..
• COVID is still there and we followed the social distancing guidelines.
• We took a trip from Northern California to a remote cabin in Southern Utah. Brian Head, UT
• Thanks to Mom and Dad for letting us use your cabin.

Traveling with 7 adult size people

• Our son Jacob loves MiniVans. When we tried to put everyone stuff in the minivan I was worried we could not fit it. Jacob found more storage.
• .Option to take two cars. Jacob did not want to drive rather sit on the hump in the back.
• The 10 hour trip in the car with 7 adult size people. Sitting arrangement is the most important thing
• Traveled the loneliest highway in the US. Fallon, NV to Ely, NV is 250 Miles with 2 towns between. 4 hours of nothingness. Austin population 190, Eureka population 600.
• Antilope, Cows, Deer, Chipmunks, Moving road (spiders or locusts)

Our week at 10,000 ft.

• Getting used to the altitude (drink lots of water, humidifier, lack of sleep, head aches, nose bleeds)
• Babies did great this time. First time our granddaughter came up to the cabin she was sick the whole time.
• Our plan was not to have a plan. Just relax, take some hikes, enjoy no news, ride ATVs and have fun.
• 3 hikes that we had fun on.
  • Cedar Breaks Elevation 10,500 ft. 
  • Alpine Pond - 2 mile hike with 500 feet elevation change. Very simple hike we took our granddaughters (1 and 4 years old).
  • Ramparts overlook - 4 mile hike with 1500 feet elevation change. Very hard hike.
  • Bryce canyon - 4 mile hike Queen's garden and Navajo loop. Moderate hike.
• One day in St. George visiting family. 
  • Great Honolulu Grill for lunch.
  • fun time with family and parents.

COVID-19 is starting to divide our nation and its families. Imagine trying to co-parent with different opinions on COVID safety, money problems due to layoffs, or school plans when schools start up again. There seems to be no gray area when it comes to people's feelings on all of these subjects with respect to COVID and the quarantine. In this episode, we call on a dear friend Reice Morris, a life coach,  (www.riecemorris.com) to help us understand how people are dealing with this.

• Assumption. You don't wear a mask in the grocery store you don't care about other people.
• Assumption. If you wear a mask in the grocery store people think you're taking this too far and going overboard.
• COVID and the resulting quarantine has been divided our society
• Some people believe that we need to be extra cautious. Others have felt like their Liberties have been taken away.
• No matter what side of the debate you fall on people make assumptions about you.
• This is exacerbated in a blended family where multiple parents are involved in the raising of children. If one parent is more cautious than the other parent is could cause additional Strife between an already tenuous relationship.
• One of our friends is a life coach and has seen a huge uptick in people dealing with contentious spouses and ex-spouses about this issue.
• In the past threats to our country or our society has brought people together and united them in a common cause this pandemic appears to have divided our society not just in America but throughout the world.
• We have a son who's getting married this Summer and it's having a hard time deciding how many people can be at his wedding. Some people are saying throw caution to the wind and invite a hundred people others are saying be cautious and keep the numbers small. These are tough decisions that young married couples are making right now.
• One of the reasons why this is so divisive is it's an unseen enemy that is already within our borders.
• Another, factor is information overload. Which source do you listen to?

COVID-19 and the corresponding quarantine has brought out some interesting stereotypes that we have seen over the last 3 months. This recognition of stereotypes has given Paige and Darren an internal look at stereotypes that they have had about divorce and blended families. In this episode, we expose the different stereotypes of divorced people, their blended families, and how to overcome those stereotypes.

Stereotypes of Divorce

• Divorce is a contagious disease
• Divorcees are not capable of love.
• Marriage is not taken seriously.
• You didn't try hard enough.
• What do you do to mess up?
• You are selfish.
• You must not be spiritual enough or close to God if you let this happen to you.
• You failed.
• Do you still let you kids play with other kids whose parents are getting divorced?

Stereotypes of Blended Families

• The Brady Bunch is probably the first blended family.
• People judge you individually that you could not keep your marriage together.
• The kids are looked at broken. 
• You are not from a good family anymore.
• Kids joke that they are going to marry an orphan so they don't have the drama.
• Blended Families are a negative
• Stepparents are blamed for the breakup of the marriage
• Stepparents are rarely acknowledged or thanked.
• No step-parents day, We have one.
• Kids in blended families are spoiled.
• At church, the assumption is made that something is wrong with you. You have to prove yourself before people trust you.
• Kids in blended families are sad all the time.
• Kids of blended families have more mental disorders. Research
• Kids of blended families don't perform as well academically. The research found that the stability of the household is more important than the family structure.

Blended Family Statistics

• Sixteen percent of children live in blended families.
• The number of kids living in blended families has been stable for nearly thirty years.
• Children of Hispanic, black, and white backgrounds are equally likely to live in this type of family.
• Children from Asian families are half as likely as Hispanic, black, or white kids to be part of a blended family.
• Six of ten women's remarriages create blended families.
• 60% to 70% of blended families fail. this is twice the number of nuclear families.

Fighting assumptions 

• Story of the man on the subway with the out of control kids.
• Get to know someone before you jump to assumptions

Lemonade Moment of the Week

Darren accidentally cuts down the Orange tree that started growing hybrid lemons and oranges.

COVID-19 got you down. Quarantine is playing a number on our emotional and physical selves.

In this episode listen to how Darren & Paige handle their "Cabin Fever".

Will anger and anxiousness take over or are there some things they have found work to ease the stress of uncertainty.

Angry and Anxiousness

• Will the school decide to please (Grading for Distance learning)
  • School just did a pass/fail after our kids have been working hard to do distance learning
  • Tough situation - Needs to be fair for everyone.
  • Are we doing distance learning in the fall?
• Uncertainty
• Can't back to our lives
• See our friends
• Go see our grandkids
• Go sit on the beach.
• Paddleboarding (Is it ok or is it not okay)
• Hearing different things every day.
  • Sometimes doctors say something (Two Doctors in Bakersfield)
  • Other doctors saying not to leave your house for 18 months. 
  • Lower hospital rates are giving us I little bit of hope. So we push the limits of the stay at home order.
• Governor says weeks until phase 2 next day is is days.

Fighting Quarantine Fatigue

• Acknowledge your feelings
• Get outside and go on a walk
• Regular phone calls and video chats.
• Interacting with other
• Mindfulness, Yoga,
• Go for a short drive in your car.
• Say it is ok to feel this way.
• Suffering in the short-term could pay off in the long term.

Fighting the Anger and Anxiousness

• Limit how much time you are reading the news and social media.
• Fill your time with other things. (New Hobby)
  • Everyone in California seems to be fixing their house. Lowes and Homedepot are crazy busy.
  • Read more
  • Gardening
  • New Recipes, baking
  • knitting
  • Painting
  • Drawing
  • Online courses
• We hate being not in control of our lives so pick something to help other people. We wear masks to help other people feel more comfortable.
• Play games with your family
• Pick a series of movies. Becareful watching too much TV. 
• Be outside. We bought patio furniture to be outside and comfortable.
• Serve others. 
  • Sidewalk chalk
  • Take treats to locked ins. Even if they don't eat them the thought that counts.
  • Call someone and check in on them.

Lemonade Moment of the Week

The Quarantine has given Madeline time to Bake new things for her shop.

Link

• https://www.yahoo.com/lifestyle/quarantine-fatigue-coronavirus-191905679.html
• https://www.huffpost.com/entry/quarantine-fatigue-doesnt-mean-go-out_l_5eab1957c5b6c470eedee73d

Nine years ago when we got married we had the perfect vision of blending our families. Of course, we wanted it to be like a nuclear family with white picket fences and a dog. What we ended up with was several different family groups and plenty of lessons learned. But we love our blended family and constantly nurture and feed it. Check out how we got there in this episode.

Blending 4+6 (2+5)

• We wanted to create one big family not have 3 separate families
• 3 little ones are being raised together.
• Hard for the older kids to feel part of all of 
• Still a separation between the older kids. The kids need to feel like they still have a bond with the kids they grew up with.
• You cannot force this.
• During the COVID pandemic we have seen many blended families feeling the familial relationships even more.
• It can become very divisive for families
• It is ok to make sure that the kids feel ok about the different family relationships. 
• We recognize the different family units
• We try hard to do things all together.
• We plan things together.
• We have a Marco Polo 
• Grandbabies help bring the family together.
• Finding fun things to do together. (Hot Lava on the play ground, Obstacle course)
• Allow individuals to be part of their own family.
• Invite kids to participate and encourage them but don't demand it.
• Everyone always goes to the Hawaii trip.
• Kids will be closer to who they grew up with.
• Patience is important
• It may never get to where you had in your head it would be.
• Celebrate the little successes
• Make sure that you don't forget where the kids came from. Strawberry shortcake. 

Tips from the experts (Not Us)

• A Blended family does not mean we all act as one nuclear family. It means we are adjusted to the new situation.
• Sibling Rivalry
  • Make sure the parents are on the same page with discipline
  • No blaming bio kids
  • Consequences and rewards need to be the same regardless of how it used to work.
  • Avoid placing labels on the kids. Good and bad
• Everyone needs attention
  • Set a set schedule to give kids individual time
  • Both parents attend events
  • Monthly outings
• You feel like different families
  • It takes time to build a shared history
  • Begin need traditions
  • Make transitions fun. Get an ice cream.
  • Give times to grief
• Mistakes are made, by kids and adults. Move on.

We have noticed an uptick on blended families have issues in their families that just seem insurmountable. Stress from the COVID-19 pandemic uncertainty in health, job stability, and the economy is driving wedges in relationships between husband and wife and kids. In this episode learn how to identify the signs of stress, their causes and how to deal with stress in a productive way.

Causes of Stress

• Fear and worry about your own health and the health of your loved ones
• Changes in sleep or eating patterns
• Difficulty sleeping or concentrating
• Worsening of chronic health problems
• Worsening of mental health conditions
• Increased use of alcohol, tobacco, or other drugs

Signs of Stress

• Distance themselves from one another as they try to cope
• Fight more frequently
• Find it difficult to plan quality time together as a way to rebuild relationships
• Experience sleeplessness, lethargy, anxiety, and loss of appetite as they work through feelings
• Engage in exaggerated behaviors as a result of trying to process difficult emotions

Dealing with Stress

• Take breaks from watching, reading, or listening to news stories, including social media. Hearing about the pandemic repeatedly can be upsetting.
• Take care of your body.
  • Take deep breaths, stretch, or meditate
  • Try to eat healthy, well-balanced meals.
  • Exercise regularly, get plenty of sleep.
  • Avoid alcohol and drugs.
• Make time to unwind. Try to do some other activities you enjoy.
• Connect with others. Talk with people you trust about your concerns and how you are feeling.

Lemonade Moment of the Week

Our Son-In-Law gets sick with COVID-19 symptoms but is tested and he is negative. Quarantine is over and his kids are happy he can be with them again.

Links

• CDC - Managing Stress and Anxiety
•  Three Ways to De-Stress While Going through a Family Crisis   

 Tonight’s #blendedfamily topics include: (thanks to your suggestions!) 1. Supportive (or not supportive spouses). 2. How to deal with not being able to enforce custody court orders. 3. Setting boundaries when dealing with a difficult bio parent (why, how and the goal of doing so). 4. Anonymous ask for #advice on spousal jealousy over grandparent help with a specific set of kids in the home. Also letting pride get in the way of accepting help from a step adult family member outside of the home. 🎧 We would love your topic suggestions or questions for future podcasts! Please message us with anything you’ve got. Chances are if you are dealing with an issue, so are the rest of us! 🎧 #blendedlife

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Our Purpose: Why is talking about blended families and life in general important? Because we believe that we can do better than what statistics say about second marriages lasting, about blending families making it, that’s why! A 70% divorce rate statistic for remarriages with children is simply unacceptable! Spreading life lessons, passing along wisdom gained from experience and bringing to light what is often happily left in the dark to hide, is how we all can learn to be better, to do better the second time around (in a #blendedfamily many lives depend on it). Together we can avoid costly mistakes that will end in the demise of our precious families.   -Blended Life 

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Blended Family Life and Health Coaching. Coach Julie provides structure, accountability and support so that you can get unstuck and become the highest version of yourself possible. Become EMPOWERED through total transformation! Claim your FREE Discovery Session today!

becomingheardnow@gmail.com

Blended Family Life and Health Coaching. Coach Julie provides structure, accountability and support so that you can get unstuck and become the highest version of yourself possible. Become EMPOWERED through total transformation! Claim your FREE Discovery Session today!

Money and kids can be hard in any family. When you throw two families together with different histories and expectations Money can be a tough issue to navigate. In this episode, Darren and Paige reveal some of the hard money issues they faced when they first got married and even pop up today. Everything is up for debate when it comes to money: College, Cars, Cell phones, Soda at restaurants who pays for what and when. 

Bringing money together

• Bringing traditions together
• By sodas at dinner
• Getting a kid a car
• Cell phones
• Who pays for college
• Allowance
• Buying clothes
• Eating out

Treating kids with equality

• Parents have different incomes. Things might not be equal as far as gifts, clothes
  • Cell phone, computers, cars, clothes
  • Step-parent vs Bio-parent
• Hard because they have different grandparents
  • Different Christmas gifts
  • paying for college
• There isn't equality, but we try our best
• What about older kids that have already moved on.
  • Younger kids raised together are treated differently

Lemonade Moment of the Week

Jacob brings his "girlfriend" home to visit the family and they navigate two families (His Mom and Dad's house) like pros

In this episode, we talk about the key things that you can do to destroy your marriage. We researched some articles and found some interesting things that we need to work on to have a stronger relationship. Check out these great ideas.

Become Stagnant

• Forgetting to keep the romance alive
• Don't forget your spouse should be your friend too.
• Not finding ways to stay connected.
• Become boring

Be In Love with your phone and TV

Put others before your spouse

• 
  
• Work, Money
• Friend, social life
• Kids

Ignore Problems (Communication)

• Never arguing
• Never listening to what your partner has to say
• Don't go to bed angry or Do
• Give your Spoused the Silent Treatment
• Threaten Divorce

Stop Having Sex

• Intimacy is important as it brings you and your spouse together physically and emotionally.

Not parenting as one unit

Not willing to change or grow

Spend more money than what you Have

Keep Secrets

You Never Help around the House

Oversharing

Keeping Score

• Being overly Jealous or Untrusting

Links

• https://www.marriage365.org/blog/10-ways-to-ruin-your-marriage
• https://awesomejelly.com/things-youre-doing-wrong-that-will-kill-your-marriage-t2/1

Valentine's Day is always a stressful time for people. Expectations of the perfect romantic day never match the reality of the day. In this episode, we talk about our successes and failures of Valentine's Days past. It is a "funny look" at a difficult time of the year for many men and women throughout the world.

History of Valentine's Day

• Based on St. Valentine
• Second card-sending holiday right behind Christmas
• Started as notes passed from person to person expressing real feelings
• The chocolate industry got involved
• The card industry got involved
• Stats on Valentine's Day
  • 6 million couples get engaged on Valentine's Day 
  • $18.2 billion will be spent this year for Valentine's Day
  • 54% of persons will celebrate Valentine's Day this year
  • 190 million cards
  • 250 million roses
• Most wanted gifts for women (Big loving gestures, some love it,  and some hate it)
  • Card
  • Flowers
  • Chocolate
  • Jewelry
• Most wanted for men 
  • Sex
  • Chocolate

Expectations and Reality

• Inequality in the holiday
• More pressure on men than women for this holiday
  • Women expect men to do something romantic for Valentine's Day
  • So why (80% of cards are bought by women)?
  • Mostly for kids and grandkids
• Our first Valentine's Day disaster
• Our second Valentine's Day disaster
• Setting expectations: Paige tells Darren exactly what she expects for the holiday (but then apparently doesn't mean it)
• Communicate your needs as long as they are not ridiculous

Ideas for Valentine's Day

• For men to women 
  • Put some thought into your gift
  • Keep it simple. Do something different on that day. Something outside of the ordinary
  • Darren does not get Paige flowers on Valentine's Day. He does it throughout the year.
  • A card with a handwritten note might be just what she needs
• For women to men
  • I want to just get through this holiday without making her too disappointed
• We have changed the holiday to be a fun family dinner auction
  • Thanks, Survivor
  • It takes the pressure off of having something extremely romantic and instead is something fun with the kids
  • This doesn't mean we don't do something romantic around that time

Links

• https://www.proflowers.com/blog/the-history-of-valentines-day
• https://www.shropshirestar.com/entertainment/features/2020/02/08/valentines-day-2020-team-weekend-ponder-what-men-and-women-really-want/

When we first got married we believed that love would conquer all. Blending families would be as simple as moving all of our stuff into a house and making it a home. Successfully blending families is hard work and takes some careful planning. we learned some invaluable lessons over the years. In this episode find out what worked and what completely failed in our attempt to bring two families together.

What is it like being parents in a blended family

• Most couples fight over money, sex, inlaws, and kids
• Blended families have all of that magnified
• 50% of families in America are blended.
• You have to figure out how to make life work inside your home and another home as well.
• Co-parenting with another family is very hard.
  • Different rules,
  • Expectations
• Most blended families fail 65- 75%.
• Balancing everything schedules
• No ability to make decisions by yourself.

Biggest problems Blended Families Face

• Sibling rivalry
• Everyone needs attention
• Stepparent Discipline can be a Challenge
• You feel like two separate families. Three in our case.

Tips for success

• Relinquish some control over the raising of your kids.
• Learn compassion and grace
• Root out jealousy
• Shed off feelings of resentment
• Don't take sides (biological or step) on sibling rivalry 
• Acknowledge birth order changes
• Use common consequences and rewards across the kids (be careful to not overdo things.)
• Teenagers at the time of a family blending can be tricky. Biological parents need to take the lead.
• Younger kids that have been raised together see consistency with both parents.
• The kids defer to Paige more than Darren.
• Both parents should attend all of the kids' activities. Show unity as a parenting unit.
• Give each child individual attention.
• Forge bonds with all of the kids over time.

Links

• https://www.huffpost.com/entry/your-blended-family-is-go_b_11722722
• https://www.verywellfamily.com/biggest-problems-blended-families-face-4150230
• https://www.cvcounselingservices.com/blog/2018/4/27/blended-families-do-they-all-fail

We had to go to marriage counseling to resolve a problem that has bubbled up over time. In this episode find out how we have used marriage counseling to strengthen our marriage and help us feel like we can tackle the problems thrown at us (with some help of course).

Counseling in the Beginning

• We started counseling the day we got engaged.
• Our counselor taught us how to communicate and empathize with each other.
• We spent time getting in the trenches with each other.
• Learned to give each other the benefit of the doubt.
• Periodically we go back to a counselor to get a refresh and help us work through problems.

Benefits of Counseling

• Both parties get impartial advice
• A safe environment for honesty
• An opportunity to unburden resentment and frustration
• A forum to rebuild trust
• Creating an attachment bond

Effectiveness of Marriage Counseling

• The motivation of both partners and time, play an important role in success.
• Find a "good fit" counselor for you and your partner.
• Don't wait too long to reach out for help. (average people wait 6 years to get advice)
• Realize that there will be conflict at times (ups and downs).
• 7 tips to deal with differences:
  • Create a relaxed atmosphere to spend time with your partner to talk
  • Don't give up personal goal or hobbies
  • Support one another's passions
  • Learn to resolve conflicts skillfully. Don't avoid conflict work through it.
  • Establish open-ended dialogue
  • Avoid the blame game
  • Be realistic about the timeline for change with a counselor.

Links

•  https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/couples-thrive/201905/5-ways-marriage-counseling-can-save-troubled-marriage
• https://www.gottman.com/blog/timing-is-everything-when-it-comes-to-marriage-counseling/ 

The Christmas clutter leads us to start an early spring cleaning and organizing. In this episode, we uncover our deepest darkest secret, we are "Organizational Posers". We hide our inability to stay organized by putting all of the stuff in a couple places in the house (Office, and Garage). We learned some tips on how to survive the dreaded post-Christmas de-clutter.

Faking organization during Christmas

• We are organization posers. We look organized in most of our lived-in spaces but have many hidden clutter spots.
• Our office and garage are those places.
• During Christmas find a place for "things" so no one can see it. 
• You need a place to hide Christmas presents. 

Declutter after Christmas

• Downsize your Christmas Decor
  • Poinsettia purchase every year and they barely last the Christmas season. We resist the temptation to get fake ones because we have no place to store them.
  • Get rid of any broken or duplicate decorations.
  • Ditch any light strings that no longer work.
  • Set aside any decorations that have become too difficult for you to put up. (Old Age)
  • Do the same for anything that no longer suits your taste.
  • Likewise for those decorations, you never really liked but have hung onto anyway.
  • Don’t have room on your tree for all the ornaments in a set? Keep only as many as you actually use.
  • Get rid of anything else you haven’t used for the past two or three Christmases. 
• Store Decoration in Order of Use (Organized Garage)
• Give Your Gifts a Home/Regift
• Get rid of Unwanted Gifts

Spring Cleaning 

• After Christmas, start your spring cleaning. It is a good time when you are putting decorations away.
• Our office and pantry got a good de-clutter due to Paige having a slight nervous breakdown.

Links

• https://www.budgetdumpster.com/blog/how-to-organize-you-house-after-holidays/

Christmas is a wonderful time to reflect and give thanks. But it is often a time of stress, college kids returning home, and in-laws visiting. All of the normal pressures of "Christmas Expectations" is compounded when you add a blended family. Sharing time with your kids, duplicate presents, and who gets to take the kids to the latest "Star Wars" are just some of the things you have to worry about.

Things that cause stress

• Kids coming home from college
• Work parties
• Family parties
• Meal planning
• Feeling like you need to entertain all the time
• Making sure everyone has the "right" number of presents
• Sharing time with your ex ( Added pressure to do fun things when you have the kids)
• Being alone at Christmas (All kids gone at their other parent's house)
• Getting the best gift for your spouse

Managing kids stress

• Having a set schedule is important. Even our adult kids like having a schedule. Not pulled between parents.
• Who buys presents and when? And for whom?
• Tradition overlap?
• Who gets to take the kids to the latest Star Wars movie?

Tips for managing Christmas stress

• Set realistic expectations. No Christmas, Hanukkah Kwanzaa or other holiday celebration is perfect. ...
• Be proactive. ...
• Keep things in perspective. ...
• Remember what's important. ...
• Take time for yourself.

Links

• https://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/christmas-expectations/
• https://www.idealhome.co.uk/news/top-ten-reasons-christmas-stress-revealed-217392

In this episode find out how gratitude helps fight depression and anxiety by re-wiring the brain. Find out how we have tried to teach our kids real gratitude, what works and what we did wrong.

Why is Gratitude so important

• It rewires the brain
• Increases will power
• Keeps you calm
• Boost morale
• Count your blessings
• The more you practice gratitude, the more attuned you are to it and the more you can enjoy its psychological benefits.

How to Cultivate Gratitude

Teaching Kids Gratitude

• What we NOTICE in our lives for which we can be grateful
• How we THINK about why we have been given those things
• How we FEEL about the things we have been given
• What we DO to express appreciation in turn

Tools to help with gratitude

• Gratitude Journal (Write down daily three things you are grateful)
• Write letters of thanks to people in your life.
• Give a "call out" or "ata boy" to someone each day.
• Donate to a charity to show gratitude
• Volunteer at a charitable organization. (justserve.org)
• Recognition awards - Darren's work has the ability to say thank you with a recognition award.
• Gratitude bucks - We have done this to teach children how to show gratitude.

Lemonade Moment of the Week

• Our kids and grandkids tell us what they are thankful for.

Links

• https://www.inc.com/jessica-stillman/the-amazing-way-gratitude-rewires-your-brain-for-happiness.html
• https://www.inc.com/jessica-stillman/4-ways-to-train-your-brain-for-positivity.html
• https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/what_parents_neglect_to_teach_about_gratitude
• http://justserve.org