step mom

This week Darren & Paige explore selfishness in Marriage with a quiz. Are you selfish in your marriage? Is your marriage about you or about your spouse? 

Are you selfish??? 

• We are all selfish, right? Especially before marriage. We only have ourselves to think about. What do I want to eat? What do I want to spend my money on? What music or show do I watch?
• After marriage, those I's have to become we(s)...This might be harder for some than others. You have to now think of someone else and merge your lives with compromises and solutions that work for you.
• Obvious signs of selfish behavior: It's all about you! Think you are better than your spouse. Controlling. Don't give or share. Will not compromise. Blame your spouse for everything that goes wrong. Forgiving is difficult. Think that your spouse's feelings matter less than yours. Competing.
• Harmful effects of selfishness: Creates hurt feelings and resentment. Communication issues. Arguing. Prevents you from thinking the best about your spouse. Doesn't build trust. Marriage will become stagnant.

How to Overcome Selfishness in marriage

• 1. Be responsible and admit you are selfish.
• 2. Communicate with your spouse about your selfish behavior. Find a balance where you can compromise and decide who gets to pick what.
• 3. Change your mindset. Start thinking as WE, not I. Ask yourself, Is this what is best for both of us rather than just me?
• 4. Be patient. 
• 5. Don't blame your spouse for everything they do. You are a team. Work on bringing out the best in each other.
• 6. Serve your spouse. How can you help your spouse today? What can I do to make my spouse's life easier today? 

Remember you cant change anyone but yourself

• Work on you and keep the communication open about what YOU are learning.
• Improve yourself, and if you are happy, your spouse will follow.
• Thinking of your needs and standing up for your morals or values is not selfish; it's what makes you who you are.
• You also have to stand up for your actual needs, like time alone. You don't want to lose yourself in your marriage.
• Self-care is not selfish, but DO NOT TAKE IT TOO FAR!!!

Quiz:

Questions and Answers

• 1. How often do you tell your lover about what they should do?
  • A. All the time
  • B. Only sometimes
  • C. Very rarely
  • D. Never
• 2. Do you accept your mistake after fighting with your partner? 
  • A. Yes
  • B. No
  • C. Only when I am at fault
  • D. Sometimes when the fight is too big. 
• 3. Do you have the habit of dominating your partner? 
  • A. Yes, because I enjoy it.  
  • B. Only sometimes when I get jealous. 
  • C. I think dominating the partner is not at all a good thing. 
  • D. No, I never want to control my relationship. 
• 4. Are you happy being a selfish lover?
  • A. Yes, I love it. 
  • B. I'm not a selfish lover 
  • C. Not at all!
  • D. I like it sometimes
• 5. Do you have the habit of deciding the place to go on dates?
  • A. Yes, because I like doing it. 
  • B. I pick the dating place sometimes.
  • C. No, I don't have this habit. 
• 6. Suppose that you have a strong desire to have sex but your partner doesn't. What will you do? 
  • A. Compel my partner to have sex anyway
  • B. Try to seduce my partner
  • C. Drop the plan because having their consent is equally important
  • D. Wait for my partner to come in the mood. 
• 7. Do you like listening to your partner's opinion? 
  • A. Yes, of course!
  • B. Most of the times
  • C. No, I don't pay much attention to their opinion. 
  • D. I prefer ignoring their ideas because they are never good. 
• 8. Do you have the habit of putting your needs before your partner? 
  • A. Yes
  • B. Not at all!
  • C. Sometimes I do like that. 
  • D. I always put the needs of my partner first. 
• 9. Are you empathic towards your partner? 
  • A. Yes, of course!
  • B. Most of the times
  • C. No
  • D. I was empathic earlier but not now. 

Lemonade Moment of the Week

Darren & Paige get fleas at the two youngest boys swim meet.

Links

• Relationship quiz
• https://ourpeacefulfamily.com/selfishness-in-marriage-how-to-overcome-selfish-behavior-become-selfless-spouse/

Hey Mama! Did you know that you have always been a leader?

Yes! Us moms have been leaders from the start, even when we never thought we were.

Come join me and my special Guest Michele Thomson as she discusses what leadership is all about and how you can implement these skills into your everyday life as a mother!

Want to follow and connect more with Michele Thomson? Simply click the link down below!

https://linktr.ee/mthomson

Be sure to subscribe to the show! Don’t forget to leave an awesome rating to help this show stay relevant in the podcast world and to help other Fearless mamas find the show!

Don’t forget to join The Fearless Mom Tribe Community on Instagram & Facebook!

IG: @thefearlessmomtribepodcast

FB Page: @thefearlessmomtribepodcast

Sometimes in our very busy lives we lose that connection and spark and just get set in the doldrums and monotony of just going through the motions of life. Darren and Paige are somewhat there. They have been through a lot in the last 6 months and need to reconnect in a way that Darren isn't Paige's caretaker.

So, how do we start the reconnection process:

• You can start by intentionally spending time together every single day doing something fun.  For example, doing the dishes, cooking, going for long walks, etc.

Lets talk about different ways and simple things you can do to reconnect with your spouse emotionally, intellectually, spiritually, physically and of course, sexually.

Emotionally 

• Cheer each other on.
• Observe and appreciate the good qualities of your spouse when it comes to them as a person, a spouse, and as a parent.
• Accomplish a bucket list goal together.
• Question: What are three of your happiest memories of our early days together?

 Intellectually

• Take a class together.
• Set Goals together.
•  Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common?

Spiritually

• Pray together or pray for your spouse.
• Share what you're learning about or something you have read.
• What is something that makes you feel fulfilled?

 Physically

•  Go for a walk together / gym.
•  Give each other a back rub.
• Hold hands.
• What did you notice about me first?

 Sexually/Intimately

•  Surprise each other.
• Schedule time together.
•  Are you satisfied with the physical aspects of our relationship?

Lemonade Moment of the Week

The kids are graduating from College and they have jobs!! :) 

Links

• https://ourpeacefulfamily.com/how-to-reconnect-with-your-spouse-husband-wife-emotionally-sexually-spiritually-intellectually-questions/

#10 "JoeComedy" Joey Sorgani, Rising comedian, MC, and dad of a blended family.



Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/joecomedy775/
Polo lounge Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/ThePoloLoungeReno/

• Madeline and Paige were talking the other day about different parenting styles. Some are too lax; they just want to be their kid's friends. Some are too strict, hovering, helicopter parents. Some are too serious; where is the fun? 
• I said to Madeline in that conversation, “You can have it all! You can have fun while also being strict and having rules.” She then said, “You should do a podcast about that, about having a balance.” 
• I think it's actually hard to balance it all equally. You are rarely in perfect balance. The scale is mostly always tipped one way or the other, but keep trying.
• Letting the kids be silly even during serious times, such as reading scriptures, can be significant and frustrating because they go too far with their silliness.
• I love to have fun, but there has to be order and rules to have the fun.

5 ways to try and find that balance:

• Always follow through - If you set a consequence for something  they have done, you have to follow thru, even if it is more painful for you!!
• Help them find a hobby -  kids are much happier when they have something they are interested in, besides video games, and passionate about. If they are having a hard time coming up with something, have their hobby be finding a hobby for a while.
• Let them choose their bedroom décor -   kids sometimes feel like they don't have enough control over their lives, especially in a divorced family. Let them give their input on the room theme and décor.
• Give them chores -  This can teach them responsibility, value of hard work and respect. Having said that, teenagers can be quite busy, don't overwhelm them with too much to do, be flexible with what their responsibilities are at different times in their life.
• Have fun with them and be generous with rewards - Make sure you are having fun with the kids. They need to see a lighthearted side of their parents. Be silly, be funny, be relaxed. And make sure you have rewards for their work. MAybe after you clean the garage, you go get ice cream. AFter they finish studying for a big test, go out to dinner.  

Links

• https://www.betweenthekids.com/2017/05/fun-and-strict-mom/
• https://themomkind.com/keeping-the-balance-between-fun-and-discipline/

Tammy Uzelac-Hall won’t lie to you—her life as a single woman was easier than when she married and became an insta-mom to two children who had lost their mother. But she embraced the challenge, gave up her job as a seminary teacher, and dove headfirst into motherhood. Now, as she uses her teaching skills to reach people worldwide through the popular Sunday on Monday podcast, she can see that God had a plan for her all along—she just had to trust in Him.

"The Lord is going to take you further than you could take yourself. He's going to do more for you than you would do for yourself."

Show Notes

2:16- Seminary Teaching
5:24- Women’s Prison 
8:09- Into a Strange Man
15:28- Becoming a Stepmom
20:30- Honesty and Humor
22:45- Student of Hebrew
29:23- Hebrew Words That Change Everything
33:51- Hebrew in All Things
37:20- Where Two or Three Are Gathered
41:15- What Does It Mean To Be All In the Gospel of Jesus Christ?

Find the full episode transcript at ldsliving.com/allin.

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

In this episode, Darren talks to three of his kids about what it is like to have two households as teenagers? What it is like now that they are adults? and What advise they have for other kids that navigate two households?

Video: https://youtu.be/MIBHpAjpTYc

Blog: 

What’s Hard

• Logistics and coordination are complexes between two houses.
• Rules are different. How do you manage that?
• Food can be very different (Vegan, Paleo, etc..)
• No Settling
• Understanding the differences between the houses and parenting styles
• Losing things, Clothes, towels, school books
• Transitions - Forgetting things, going back and forth.
• Responsibility at a young age.
• Being in the middle of the parents.

Benefits

• Two Christmas mornings, Two thanksgivings, two birthdays, double the vacations
• Bonus Parent - Help you navigate your relationship with your bio parent, expand your possibilities
• Learn Responsibility

Tips & Tricks

• Make your step parent an ally
• Understand your parents are trying their best. They are not perfect.
• Set boundaries with your parents and step-parents
• Time is limited, so set expectations. This is true when you are adults coming back to visit.
• Setting a schedule and communicating it.
• Get comfortable with awkward
• Take time for transitions
• Buy toiletries, clothes, and things for both houses.
• Get two sets of textbooks from the school if possible.
• Don’t have a primary house. Create your own space in both houses, or don’t create your own space at all.
• Find someone to talk to about the situation.

Lemonade Moment of the Week

Paige is out recovering from surgery. Darren gets insight from his kids on what it was like to grow up in two households. 

Links

• https://www.womansdivorce.com/living-in-two-homes.html

How to be happy when my spouse is doing something fun without me????

“Jealousy in romance is like salt in food. A little can enhance the savor, but too much can spoil the pleasure and, under certain circumstances, can be life-threatening.” 

• Paige recently went on a girl’s trip. She has been doing it for 18 years. Darren wasn't always excited about it. Why? 
• Darren goes out to dinner with co-workers. Is Paige jealous?
• How can we be happy for our spouses when they have fun without you in a hobby or with friends?

Check out the video: https://youtu.be/uYIxYuuo0S4

Learn to trust and communicate with your partner.

Mostly insecurities keep us from completely trusting our spouse and being happy that they are so glad.

Communicate how you feel and why you are struggling with these insecure feelings. If they think you are spending too much time away from them, come to a compromise.

Make friends or get hobbies of your own, that makes you happy.

Don’t just sit around feeling sorry for yourself that you aren’t with them. Find your hobbies or friends. If only one of you has friends they do things with, or one of you has hobbies that can be unbalanced. Figure out what you like. 

Stop being selfish and be there for your spouse; show interest.

If your partner is into car racing and you have no interest, give it a shot. Be interested in what they are interested in. It doesn't mean you have to lose yourself and be a puppet for your spouse; it means you take an interest in them and their hobbies. They can still do this without you, but if they know they can talk to you about what makes them happy, you will be become much closer and maybe even learn to love what they love.

Find fun things to do with your spouse.

After a trip or a fun activity without your spouse, find something fun to do with them. Seeking enjoyment in marriage is vital to building a solid relationship. Do not come home and say, “I just had a great time, why don’t we do something fun!.” That can set your spouse off. Instead, have an idea of a fun activity and suggest it.

Lemonade Moment of the Week

After years of practicing piano, cello, and singing, Jacob shows us his true talent.

Links

https://www.yourtango.com/2019326841/3-ways-to-stop-being-so-jealous-insecure

Whether we want to admit it or not, we have certain expectations for each other in our marriage.
Darren and I recently talked with a marriage counselor and realized that we needed to be more explicit about our expectations.
This can be scary. I asked Darren what his expectations were for me?? What would he say??? Darren then asked me what my expectations were for him. Started a great conversation. 

5 Successful Ways to Manage Expectations in Marriage

Communicate!
The number one reason for so many let-down expectations is the lack of communication. If you can grasp how to communicate with your partner, you’ll see an immediate increase in met expectations.

Needs vs. Wants
This is a great question to ask yourself before or when you feel your expectations aren’t being met. What do you need versus what do you want?   Draw a line for yourself in between these two. For example, if you and your partner are going on vacation, make a list of things you need to make you happy.

Let Go of Control and Don’t Control Others.
Expectations are under-met goals. Goals are objects of your ambition. Ambition is the strong desire to work hard to achieve something. All of these are you wanting to control a successful outcome, whether it’s controlling your environment or controlling your spouse. Don’t fall into the vicious cycle of under-met goals. When you learn how to let go of holding your domain and your spouse, you’ll gain peace with your outcomes.

Don’t Assume
Assuming is another dangerous reason why expectations are blown out of proportion and do not meet the standard you would like them to be. Assuming that your spouse understands your needs and even assuming you know your spouse’s needs will always end in unmet expectations.

Find things you are thankful for when you are struggling.
If you find yourself in a moment when your expectations aren’t being met, and circumstances are beyond your control, take a moment and list out what you’re thankful for. It can be hard to find what fills you with gratitude in moments like this, so start with the basics. Start spreading your thankfulness from those epicenters until you feel like your situation isn’t as bad as you thought it was.

Lemonade Moment of the Week
- Everyone around us has COVID, but we came through without a cough or a sneeze.

Links
https://tonightsbettertogether.com/2017/04/17/5-successful-ways-to-manage-expectations-in-your-marriage/
Video: 
https://youtu.be/yv4XpEVnuJk

Why we started
Wanted to help and be a voice of “we’ve been there” for blended families
Wanted to show others that even when life is extremely challenging throwing lemons at you, not going according to your lifeplan at all, you can still be happy - that there is Lemonade somehow, somewhere

Why we stopped
Pandemic, life was boring
Felt like we had nothing left to say about blended families, that we had addressed most topics that we could
Realized this podcast isn't just about blended families it's about finding the Lemonade
We missed doing the podcast, therapy for us
OK so, lets recap of what's been going on:
Pandemic still going on…….
Darren is halfway thru his PHD
Paige has health issues
2 teenage drivers with jobs
A new grandbaby

#WTL #2020 #WheresTheLemonade
Check out the video
Check out our blog

 Tit-for-tat and eye for an eye arguing in your blended family can be exhausting! On this episode of Blended Life we are going to discuss eye for an eye arguing and how to keep the topic constructive to your blended family! Connect with us! We would love to hear from you! Help support Blended Life keep creating: https://www.patreon.com/blendedlife https://www.buymeacoffee.com/blendedlife Grace-Filled Step Parenting book link: Grace-Filled Step parenting: Help and Hope for This Unique and Loving Role https://www.amazon.com/dp/0736982353/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_E3Y1SFVFXXMMEGH8BAKH Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/blended_life/ Facebook:https://www.facebook.com/theblendedlifeofficial/ Facebook Blended Family Support Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/285159338709513 Blended Life website: https://www.theblendedlife.net/ Email us: theblendedlifeorg@gmail.com Watch our Podcast live every week right here on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/c/BlendedLife Listen to our podcast on your favorite app! Podcast Directory: https://blendedlife.buzzsprout.com/ Listen to us on your favorite Podcast Apps: Apple music, Spotify, Google Podcasts, Amazon Music, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, Pandora, TuneIn + Alexa, Podcast Addiction, Podchaser, Pocket Casts, Deezer, Listen Notes, Player FM, Podcast Intex, Overcast, Castro, Castbox & Podfriend The Purpose Why is talking about blended families and life in general important? Because we believe that we can do better than what statistics say about second marriages lasting, about blending families making it, that’s why! A 70% divorce rate statistic for remarriages with children is simply unacceptable! Spreading life lessons, passing along wisdom gained from experience and bringing to light what is often happily left in the dark to hide, is how we all can learn to be better, to do better the second time around (in a blended family many lives depend on it). Together we can avoid costly mistakes that will end in the demise of our precious blended families. -Blended Life 

becomingheardnow@gmail.com

Blended Family Life and Health Coaching. Coach Julie provides structure, accountability and support so that you can get unstuck and become the highest version of yourself possible. Become EMPOWERED through total transformation! Claim your FREE Discovery Session today!

becomingheardnow@gmail.com

Blended Family Life and Health Coaching. Coach Julie provides structure, accountability and support so that you can get unstuck and become the highest version of yourself possible. Become EMPOWERED through total transformation! Claim your FREE Discovery Session today!

What is an overly communicative spouse?

Evaluate the current communication situation between your spouse and their ex. If you are not happy with what is going on then you need to set some boundaries.

• The ex calls to emotionally attach to your spouse
• Calls to fix something at the house
• Runs out of gas.
• Comes into the house without permission

Setting Boundaries

• Play the long Game
  • People avoid setting boundaries because they don't want conflict.
  • Start sooner than later. Get your boundaries up now.
• Avoid Emotional Conversations
  • Table the issue until there are cool heads.
  • Think about your spouse's situation; they have to deal with their Ex and now you.
  • Also, Your spouse should not be having emotional conversations with their Ex. Keep it business.
• Explain Exactly What Bothers You and why
  • Be specific about why the communication bothers you and how it makes you feel.
  • Your spouse is not a mind reader.
  • Only a stepmom can understand the emotion and situation they are in.
• Communicate to understand
  • Try to understand why your spouse responds the way they do with their Ex. 
  • There is a specific reason they are doing it.
• Come to terms
  • Come to terms that the Ex is always going to be a part of your life.
  • You will always have to work at it.
  • Setting boundaries is not something you check off your to-do list.
• Understand that there may be guilt and Loyalty issues
  • Why is there some loyalty to the Ex? 
  • Why are they still falling under the I am going to make you guilty spell.
• Ask and give some empathy.
  • Please get in the trenches with your spouse and ask them to as well.
• Identify the issues
  • Establish the boundaries based on the problems.
  • Where do we need more boundaries?
  • What's working what is not?
• Plan what you'll do when these boundaries are crossed
  • Get clear on when the boundaries are crossed.
  • What are you going to do when the Ex dictates how to raise the children.
  • When this happens, this is what we are going to do.
• Be proactive
  • Send emails to establish boundaries.,
  • It is not what you say; it is how you say it.
  • Business communication. Facts only. Keep the emotion out of it.
• Always consider what's best for the kids
• Anticipate backlash
  • Stay consistent.
  • It will get worse before it gets better.
  • Don't back down

Lemonade Moment of the Week

After six weeks of the house being tore up to repair and redo the floors. They are finally done.

Additional Links

• https://www.jamiescrimgeour.com/the-poptart-diaries/how-to-get-your-partner-to-set-boundaries-with-the-ex

Why Kindness is important in a Marriage

• Keeps you together
  • The biggest predictor of satisfaction and stability in a Marriage
  • Kindness makes each partner feel understood, cared for, and validated.
  • Couples that treat each other with kindness even when they argue stick together.
  • You can throw spears at your partner or explain why you are upset.
  • Paige comes home to a new carpet in the house and boxes of stuff to unpack
• Builds Trust
  • Kindness is the #1 trait that people look for in a partner.
  • Being kind can help your partner feel secure.
  • Watching your partner show kindness to people make you feel like you can trust.
  • You can trust that your partner will not hit below the belt when you are arguing. 
• Help get your needs met
  • When you are kind you take time to address your partner's needs.
  • Your relationship is deepened when you put your partner first 
  • That encourages your partner to be mindful of your needs.
  • Kindness breeds openness in communication and compassion.

The Seven Day Kindness Challenge

• Most magical solution for the author was just speaking kindly to each other. Better than any other books or articles.
• Started on date night. 
• Bring it back to basics. Listening, admiring and respecting each other.
• Be spontaneous. Do something outside of the ordinary - Watch the sunrise
• Afirm, Afirm , Afirm - Thank you for taking me to see the watch the sunrise
• Men need sex to feel loved. Women need to feel loved to have sex. (Anonymous wise man)
• Make a concerted and conscious effort to make each other feel good.

Lemonade Moment of the Week

Sam broke his clavicle skiing. Several of his friends called dropped things off and cared about him. It is good to be recognized.

Links

• https://www.smartparenting.com.ph/life/love-relationships/treat-partner-kindness-importance-a00286-20191224
• https://www.popsugar.com/love/Ways-Kind-Your-Relationship-43641054

Does your ex-spouse communicate with you? Or is it just silence when you try to co-parent. Listen to Darren and Paige talk about techniques to open the communications channels and improve co-parenting.

What people do

• Blame Game
• Quiet treatment
• Push-pull
• You cannot make me
• Solo decision maker
• Withholding or punishing
• Trash talker

Ex won't communicate

• Document your communication
• Be Civil
• Do not post on Social media
• Don't involve other people
• Keep personal feeling aside
• Keep it short and sweet
• Use technology
• List both bio parents as contacts on forms
• Use a Mediator or someone your ex will listen to
• The last resort is court. Try and avoid

Overcoming 

• Always be kind
• Ignore what you can
• Keep communication open
• Be collaborative in decisions
• Look at your own behavior
• Make sure your children are protected from anger and fighting
• Seek mediation before going into attack mode.

Lemonade Moment of the Week

Mass chaos in the house as we replace flooring. Boxes tripped over in the middle of the night. Everything in disarray. Lemonade our house looks new after replacing 30-year-old carpet. 

In this episode we revisit traditions. We start questioning some of the traditions we stuck with when we first blended after one of our kids mentioned how busy Christmas is and how it would be nice if it was a bit slower. 

Why Traditions are important:

• They give us a foundation to build our lives on
• They give us a sense of roots and belonging
• We asked the kids what they thought
  • The Younger kids had a different perspective than the older kids 
  • They can only remember the traditions that we currently have
  • They have some that are doubled up
• Older kids remember
  • Some of the traditions when we were still married to their parents. Some we have dropped
  • Some of the traditions that we continue to do give them a sense of belonging to this new family
• Building Traditions in Blended Families
  • Keep Traditions (Combining)
  • Choose one over another
  • Creating new ones

Keeping or SlashingTraditions:

• Keeping both traditions for the same event
• Sausage Fondue and Eggs Benedict - combined Christmas breakfast
• Sausage Fondue is from Paige’s first husbands family
• Giving the kids an ornament is from Paige’s first husbands family
• Acting out the Nativity
• Fondue on Christmas Eve
• Easter baskets 
• Carving Pumpkins. Only kids like, we wouldn't mind if it went away ;)
• Adjusting to the aging kids.
• Introducing new conditions

Evaluating and Creating New ones:

• We tried a new tradition of going to a tree farm to get a Christmas tree for a few years.
  • ended up at home depot to get a tree
  • we now have a fake tree.
• Ice cream for dinner (fail, everyone was sick). Dinner for dessert
• Monday night swim parties
• Swimming at Christmas
• Ikea Scavenger Hunt
• Valentine days auction
• Dancing before bed
• Reading Scriptures never really took hold until Dallin challenged us to read scriptures consistently, which is now 7 years and going
• Ice Skating at Christmas every year (No one totally enjoys this, everything hurts, and we are cold, but it is fun. ;)
• Cooking competition

Have you ever wondered why Valentine's Day is so stressful? We can tell you why. Expectations vs Reality. Listen to the latest "Where's the Lemonade?" to hear how Darren & Paige handle or don't handle this curious holiday so well.

And Yes that is Paige throwing away flowers that Darren got her for Valentine's Day. :)

Valentine's Day

• Most wanted gifts for women (Big loving gestures, some love it,  and some hate it)
  • Card
  • Flowers
  • Chocolate
  • Jewelry
• Most wanted for men 
  • Sex
  • Chocolate
• Does your valentines day feel like Saint Valentine's Day Massacre was 1929.

Expectations and Reality

• Inequality in the holiday
• More pressure on men than women for this holiday
  • Women expect men to do something romantic for Valentine's Day
  • So why (80% of cards are bought by women)?
  • Mostly for kids and grandkids
• Our first Valentine's Day disaster
  • Ballons on the ceiling, holes in the ceiling
• Our second Valentine's Day disaster
• Gas station card at the last hour. after a 10-hour drive in the car in the snow.
• Setting expectations: Paige tells Darren exactly what she expects for the holiday (but then apparently doesn't mean it)
• Communicate your needs as long as they are not ridiculous

Ideas for Valentine's Day

• For men to women 
  • Put some thought into your gift
  • Keep it simple. Do something different on that day. Something outside of the ordinary
  • Darren does not get Paige flowers on Valentine's Day. He does it throughout the year.
  • A card with a handwritten note might be just what she needs
• For women to men
  • I want to just get through this holiday without making her too disappointed
• We have changed the holiday to be a fun family dinner auction. In celebration of the feast of St Valentine.
  • Thanks, Survivor
  • It takes the pressure off of having something extremely romantic and instead is something fun with the kids
  • This doesn't mean we don't do something romantic around that time

Links

• https://www.proflowers.com/blog/the-history-of-valentines-day
• https://www.shropshirestar.com/entertainment/features/2020/02/08/valentines-day-2020-team-weekend-ponder-what-men-and-women-really-want/
• https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Feast_of_Saint_Valentine

Disneyland Dad Syndrome is real and affects blended families every day. It is so prevalent that there is a legal definition for it. So how do you become a Disneyland Dad? How do you deal with a Disneyland Dad? Darren & Paige give their insight into this problem in Blended Families.

What is a Disneyland Dad

• Legal Definition
• Only having fun when you are with the kids
• No rules, responsibilities, or discipline
• Indulging in gifts.

Why you become a Disneyland Dad

• Intentional - deliberately overindulges the kids to undermine the other parent.
• Un-intentional - Trying to have fun with his kids with limited time that they have with the kids.
• "Visitation" - is a term that makes it seem like your kids are just visiting and therefore you want to use the very limited time doing fun things not school work or chores. etc...
• Frequency of seeing the kids play a big part.
• When we see the kids - Weekends and Evenings. Most families have fun on the weekends. Stay up late, excursions etc..
• How to avoid being a Disneyland Dad
• The parents do not have the same schedules or circumstances. School with homework, weekends only. etc..
• Be consistent
• Be involved
• Encourage responsibility
• Teach them
• Consistently discipline. - Mom's rules don't matter at Dad's house. Not good.

Dealing with a Disneyland Dad

• Connect with your kids - The quality time is more important
• Focus on your own relationship with your children. - You cannot control what the other parent does.
• Let it go!! - Don't get stuck in frustration and anger.
• This is not a competition. Children are not consumer whose love is bought by stuff or entertainment
• If you compete you lose. 
• Being Present. Tune in. 
• Don't say negative things about your co-parent.
• Have fun and play. Does not need to cost money.
• Have confidence in your parenting. don't compare yourself to the co-parent.

Lemonade Moment of the Week

The pinhole leak turned out to be a nail that slowly leaked.

We recently had facebook and google give us reminders of where we were 2 years ago today. What came up is the inception of our podcast. On a trip to Panama for a "getaway" of time "alone together", we dreamt up a crazy idea of podcasting our experiences of blending a large family. In today's episode, we went back and listened to our first episode, and wrote down what we thought.

Our Thoughts from our first podcast

• Dating was incredibly difficult. Remembering details about people is not my strength so I kept a spreadsheet. I actually dated two women that both had a daughter named Amanda. Not good to confuse the two. :)
• We knew so little back then when we first started. We had lots of topics to talk about and had to learn how to talk about tough subjects without harming the kids or the relationship with their parents.
• I hate COVID and I need to go on a trip with my wife to re-energize and re-connect again.
• We need to continue to learn more as we continue to experience new things as a couple together.
• This last year we had several new experiences with adult children moving in, moving out, and getting married.
• This time was a trying time for Darren as he was changing jobs and moving his career in a different direction.

Lemonade Moment of the Week

A broken toilet turns into a full bathroom remodel. Up side we have a new bathroom and new tools.

Blended families bring lots of new stressors into a relationship. Anxiety is high and sometimes your attempts to help your family to blend just increases the anxiety for everyone. In this episode, Darren & Paige talk about causes of anxiety and how to deal with anxiety in your family.

Finding the cause - It is right in your face.

• Establishing a new family structure
  • new parent styles
  • different methods of discipline
  • different expectations of how children should behave
• Steep learning curve
• Co-Parenting with your Ex. 
• Children become pawns in the broken relationship. Watch out for this.
• Someone else is in the picture when you are raising your new family.

How to lessen the anxiety

• It’s about testing what works and what doesn’t work while making sure that children feel safe and secure in the process.
• Sit down and establish ground rules before your blend the families. Hard to do because you have on rose-colored glasses.
•  Adults need to work hard to make everyone feel equal in the house.
• 6 ideas to lessen the anxiety
  • Figure out a co-parenting plan with your spouse early on.
  • When you start to feel overwhelmed, take it one hurdle at a time.
  • See your family -- including the exes -- as a team.
  • Invest in a chore chart
  • Remind yourself to celebrate even the smallest of victories.
  • Whatever you do, don't aim for perfection.

Time and acceptance of your new reality.

•  If you keep hoping for something outside of your control will change it will continue to increase the anxiety.
•  Known when to hold them, know when to fold them, know when to walk away, and know when to run.
•  Change your expectations. 
•  Get over the one-sided parenting. It is okay to be the one that does not put the kids in the middle.
•  Pick what is worth the anxiety. Let other things go.
•  Get rid of the feeling that you need to "Win".

Articles.

- http://www.essentialkids.com.au/development-advice/development/the-anxiety-of-the-blended-family-20130227-2f542

- https://www.huffpost.com/entry/6-ways-to-handle-stress-_n_5002607

- https://www.huffpost.com/entry/the-ugly-truth-about-blended-families_b_589363b6e4b0b4d609210569

There are many studies on the adverse effects of divorce and the trials of blended families. In this episode, Darren & Paige are only looking at the "Lemonade" of blended families. That is right put on your "Rose Colored Glasses" and look at all of the benefits of a blended family. If you want all of the hard things that come with a blended family check out all of our other episodes. :) 

For the kids

• More Christmas presents
• Two birthdays,
• Two of the holidays
• More Grandparents
• Bonus parents.
• Kids can see a better model of a relationship. If you are moved past the old baggage.
• I broader world view. More aunts and uncles, grandparents and parents.
• Kids tend to become more flexible because of conflict resolution and multiple households.
• Kids typically score higher on emotional skills: forgiveness, generosity, and negotiation.
• More siblings. Sam would be an only child 100% of the time. Not just 50%.

For the Parents

• Sometimes we don't have the kids. Some alone time.
• Sometimes a step-parent can fill a gap in the bio-parents. My kids' step Dad is a captain for sailing. and an Architect.
• Sometimes kids bring different perspectives or talents to the family.
• If you can move past old baggage, you can be more realistic about your relationship.
• Financial stability over a single parent. More than one source of income.
• Kids might be more honest with step-parents, be prepared to listen and take the input.
• Learning to love not just by instinct. More kids to love.
• Different world view. Blended Families include in-laws and the families are already grown up.
• We make sure we have learned from our mistakes of our first marriage.
• Teaches patience.

How to make Lemonade

• Some of our kids did not start out liking the whole blended family.
• We have to approach things and find Lemonade.
• Make a conscious effort to be part of it.
• Try and find something positive out of something really bad.
• It takes effort and flexibility.

Lemonade Moment of the Week

Darren getting older gave us an excuse to go out. But everything is locked down. Except the drive-in.