step mom

March 2020 was the beginning of a new reality for most of us—kids at home, adults at home, adult kids at home, everyone at home. As time passed, kids went back to school, but many adults continued working from home, which could be a significant change for many of us. There are so many good things about parents being at home, there for the kids, and there to help with the kids; when kids are napping, one parent can be at home while the other runs errands, so they have more time together. Some things may need improvement about both parents being at home, roles requiring clarification, and maybe too much time together. Seeing each other every day, all day, and all night might get annoying and on each other's nerves. Let's talk about how to cope with spending so much time together.

Don’t hold grudges:  When you are constantly together, the only way to get through the day is to either spill or let it go. Always remind yourself to let go of things that aren’t important. If something is bothering you, take a minute and talk about it.

Make time for each other: I know this sounds silly when you spend every day with each other, but you still need quality time together. Plan something fun to do, not just the mundane that is life. Play a game, go for a walk, go out to eat…

Compromise: Spending so much time together, there are going to be things that you are struggling with that your partner is doing. You have to discuss these things and devise a compromise so you don’t go crazy on each other. Maybe it's something as small as you feeling like you are constantly checked up during the day; compromise might be staying in different sections of the house until certain times, like lunch. It might be as simple as changing your approach, but discuss it and meet in the middle.

Admit when you're just fed up: Sometimes, we are in a bad mood and need space. Everything the other person does gets on your nerves; you need space. Let the other person know you are having a bad day so they can be more sensitive and not take too much personally. 

Time Out: Be honest if you need some time alone. Don’t just be grumpy and out of sorts with each other; take time for yourself. Go for a walk by yourself, play pickleball with friends, read a book, watch a show you want to watch all by yourself, whatever you need for a few hours to get away from each other. Absence makes the heart grow fonder…does it?? 

I hope these tips help you cope with so much time together. Please send us any suggestions you might have.

Lemonade moment of the week:
Paige is out of town, so Darren is busy re-doing the laundry room.

Links: 

• https://www.bustle.com/wellness/too-much-time-together
• https://www.lovearoundme.com/blog/too-much-time-together-leads-to-an-unhealthy-relationship
• https://twogetlost.com/how-cope-spending-time-with-partner

 When a relationship is new, you see the world through rose-colored glasses. Everything is fresh and new. As you look at each other, you see someone who is exciting and perfect. Even the world around you seems brighter and happier than before you found each other. In that “new” stage of a relationship, it’s easy to say loving things to each other. Those sweet words come naturally when you are together and then via text or phone at all hours of the day and night apart. 

Over time, however, things start to change. Challenges occur, and flaws emerge. The rose-colored glasses come off, and reality sets in. This is when love begins to morph a bit.  Saying loving things toward each other takes a bit more effort. Love takes more effort, but practice makes perfect! As you weather storms together, you develop a more profound love and appreciation for each other than ever before.

If you’ve been out of that “new” stage for a while and need some ideas to freshen your love up, here we go:

• YOU LOOK GREAT! Compliments work and mean a lot. Don’t hold back. We need to hear it!
• THANK YOU! After you’ve been together for a while, taking each other for granted is normal. Thank you is very simple and extremely important. It’s saying I appreciate what you do for me.
• I THINK YOU’RE AMAZING! We sometimes think that our partner knows magically what we are thinking. So, we stop vocalizing those thoughts.
• I LOVE YOU ANYWAY…When your spouse makes a mistake, it can be challenging for both of you. But what you say at that moment will have a lasting impact. When you say, “I love you anyway,” you’re telling them regardless of the mistake, I will still love you.
• WE’LL GET THROUGH IT! This is saying we’re a team, and I’m on your side. A marriage can go through many trials, and it's essential to make sure your partner feels your love through it.
• YES, I’D LOVE TO! Maybe the theatre or sports aren’t your things, but if your spouse loves those things, show your support. If they ask you and want you to join them, do it. That may not always be the case; sometimes they may want to go with friends or family who have the same love of that thing, but when they want you to go, go.
• I UNDERSTAND - Saying “I understand” really says, “I get you.” It’s a comfort to know that someone gets you without even really having to explain your feelings.
• WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU? One of the most basic definitions of love is putting another’s needs before our own. We may find this easy for our children, but sometimes we forget to do it for our spouse. Remember to ask your spouse, “What can I do for you?” which says, “I want to support you and lessen your burden.” Sacrificing your time for something your spouse needs will strengthen your bond.
• I’M HERE FOR YOU! Remind your spouse that they can always count on you. Always have each other’s backs.
• I LOVE YOU! These 3 simple words should be said every day. They confirm your care and devotion

Do not let one day pass without saying loving things like these to your partner. Always ensure your spouse feels appreciated, validated, safe and secure with you. Pick several short phrases to say daily, and soon you’ll feel more loving toward each other.

Lemonade moment of the week

Paige and Darren attend the youngest of their children's swim meet in the snow!!!

Links

• https://www.verywellmind.com/simple-phrases-keep-you-in-love-4060485

This week Darren and Paige asked their listeners to submit questions that we have not addressed on the show. Some of these questions were hard to answer but we did it anyway. Check out the questions below.

Have you been able to stay friends with other couples who had previously been friends with you & your ex?  If so, have those couple friends become friends with you & your new spouse?

I am always interested in how couples attack the money issue…. I would say that is the hardest part of a marriage, I think kids are the hardest part of a marriage also without kids around what would there be to argue about except for money!

What was the main motivation to decide to jump into the dating scene again after your divorces?

Weren't you scared of getting into a relationship again? Especially with someone who was also divorced?

How did you tell your kids and how did they respond when you told them you were getting remarried and they were going to have to live with step siblings etc? How hard was that?

What advice would you give to someone just very recently divorced? What thoughts, attitudes, or actions help things to go well. Or, with hindsight, what things do you wish you had done differently? Any good survival tips for the frustration times during and early after?

What advice do you have for someone who is a friend watching someone they love go through a divorce?

How did you both deal with being in the same ward and church with Darrens ex?

Lemonade Moment of the Week

This week we went to Yosemite to take in the beautiful waterfalls and incredible views. After a great morning hiking to Vernal Falls, we decided to head over the Yosemite falls and then El Capitan. We hoped in the car and saw a line of cars blocking our way out of the Park. A rockside blocked the road out of the park. We took a detour to Currey Village for a two hour lunch to wait for the traffic to clear. Traffic appeared to be moving so we hopped in the car and headed out of the park. Four hours later we left the park, with great memories of the Park.

Are we saying the wrong things to our kids about the divorce??? Probably!! We think we are saying good healthy things to help our kids thru the divorce, but are we? I know we are just human and we are trying our best. But it is hard, we are stressed, emotional and have never been thru this before, so we are struggling to say the right things and hope that we are. We want to have our kids get thru this devastating life changing with as little trauma as possible. 

Our research department found information from psychologists on what are some phrases we are saying to our kids that we need to stop! I guarantee that we have and maybe still are saying some of these. Lets dig in:

1. “Your dad” or “Your mom” – that tiny addition of the word “your” creates otherness in the family. If you are now saying “your” the child is now hearing a separateness in who they are connecting with. Divorce does create changes in the family dynamic, but honoring how the child sees the parent can help keep a sense of cohesion.   

Nix the “your”. 

1. “The Situation” – You are talking with your friend and the kids are in the room and she brings up “The Situation” and how “The Situation” is affecting everyone.  “When you speak in code, it makes it seem like something sinister is going on.” The more you try to obfuscate what’s happening, the more anxious and curious your kids may become. “ 

Say instead – There are ways to explain divorce that is less abstract. You could even mention people they know who are divorced.

1. “It’s not about you” - When your instinct is to keep your children from thinking they’re to blame for the divorce, this probably feels like a totally logical and constructive response. But according to Dr. Rubenstein, this phrase isn’t specific enough to quell the “well then what caused it?!” anxieties, because for kids, something had to cause it.

“Children have active imaginations and can conjure many scenarios that have nothing to do with the       cause of the divorce,” she tells us. “It’s not about you” also negates the fact that the divorce very much        involves your kids, which, Dr. Rubenstein explains, can wind up complicating your child’s feelings and experiences and what they’re willing to share with you.

Say instead – You can explain that mom and dad are not getting along and don’t feel they can resolve it. Grown ups have adult issues that sometimes cannot be solved, as hard as they try.

1. “This is a good thing” – Sure,it might be a good thing for the family in the long term, but from a child’s persepective…not so much. This phrase sweeps their pain under the rug. “Almost every child wants their parents to be together under one roof. Even if one parent has addiction issues, anger issues, or other things a child can observe, most children want to believe in the fairytale that somehow things will all work out. It is challenging for them to see divorce as a benefit,” 

Say instead – Acknowledge that this is really, really hard on everyone! That your decisions was a last resort made to have the children grown up in a home without fighting or discord. 

1. “You will get double everything! – While this is true, most kids want two parents in the home instead of more things. This is another example of minimizing your child’s feelings, even thought it done out of your desire to protect them. 

Say instead – Emphasize that they will get more quality time with each parent individually. Get them excited about decorating a new room. Get their feedback on their new accomodations.

1. “Not much will change” – This is  lie. And if you tell children a lie, they are less likely to trust you in the future. “For a child, their world is forever changed.”

Say instead – Be honest that things will change, but that change is sometimes good. Yes they will miss certain traditions of family structures, but play up the realistic advantages they can expect. They will model your behavior and reactions in the face of change and learn resiliency.

Lemonade moment of the week
Valentines Day auction adds more neighbor kids.

Links: https://www.purewow.com/family/divorced-parents-phrases-stop-saying?utm_source=flipboard&utm_medium=referral

The first year of blending families can be pretty tricky and downright horrible. In this episode, we talk about the challenges of throwing two families together and how we dealt with the obstacles we ran into.

Listen to this Episode

Love does not conquer all.

• For those of you that think everything has been rosy. It has not.
• This has brought up some tension and memories of the hard times. Sacramento Airport.
• We were naive enough that we thought love would be able to handle all of the problems we faced. That helped but was not enough.
• Everything was hard.
  • Meshing kids. We had two 16-year-olds that were completely different from different kinds of friends. One very social and another not very social at all. You cannot force them to be friends; they don’t want to be. Now they are excellent friends.
  • Meshing rules. Is there a double standard for some of the kids? Or is everything the same?
  • Meshing discipline. Understanding boundaries with stepkids was rigid. Older kids and younger kids.
  • Expectations for a clean house.  Darren’s idea of cleaning is picked up. Not clean. Paige wanted things cleaned.

Logistics of a blended family

• Moving
  • Logistics. What to keep, what to throw out? Where do we fit everything? Two households crammed into one place.
  • Moving kids from schools, friends, and church. Etc.
  • Paige and the kids are trying to overcome feeling like guests in the house.
• Finances were hard
  • Food was hard, what to cook, what did kids like, what did they not like. How much to cook?
• Going to church in the same congregation as Darren’s Ex-Wife
  • Whose friends are whose? 
  • Who can I talk to? 
  • Who do I vent to, etc.?
• Going out to dinner was a challenge. Soda or water? Why was it contentious?
• Remember your kids in the changes
  • Kids have such little control over the situation, so they want some control over it. Mountain Dew (Jake), Jacob with his long hair.
  • The kids need to feel like they have some control and some say. 

Marriage counseling and other help got us through it.

• Marriage Counseling was a big win for us.
• The night we got engaged was our first counseling session.
• Consistently working with a counselor allowed us to establish communication patterns faster. Something we needed to navigate all of the stuff we brought with us. Kids, Exes, jobs, debt, etc.
• Empathy – Get in the trenches with each other. Instead of getting upset with what they are feeling, try to understand it. And why they are feeling that.
• Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt. Assume the best first.
• Don’t find fault with your spouse; you will find it.
• Communication, laughter, alone time, intimacy, not wanting to fail.

Lemonade Moment of the Week
Darren and Paige head to Las Vegas, to catch some shows and brave the strip with all the craziness.

This week Keeley is going to share the crazy story about her experience having a party for her kids. Have you ever had a person change the narrative on the day of the party? Well, get ready to be shocked, transfixed, and outrage! Please listen to this episode and share it with someone you know.

If this sounds like something you’ve experienced email us at keeleyace@gmail.com. This is a safe space to share your personal stories that may be read on the podcast. Remember we are in this pit-of-dispair together, let me help you ARMOR up! 

No Chick Flick Moments

The week after Christmas was boring…. saying.

At the beginning of a marriage, everything feels new and exciting. You've got romantic date nights planned for weeks, and what may become future annoyances are just endearing little quirks that make you love your spouse even more. But unfortunately, that honeymoon stage won't last forever. Eventually, things are going to simmer down, and you might even find yourself feeling, well, bored. You can start feeling that marriage is more like a routine than a relationship.

Fighting the Monotony

Luckily, that feeling doesn't mean your marriage is doomed. All it means is that you might need to devote more time and energy to making things exciting again. Let's talk about what might be adding to the monotony of your marriage:

You don’t surprise each other.

It doesn’t have to be anything extravagant, but finding ways to surprise your spouse, whether a gift or a thoughtful act, can keep your marriage fresh. “What do you and your partner need to feel loved?” Make sure your surprises match their needs and personality.

Sharing too much or not enough.

You need to share more with your partner, OR you are joined at the hip! You need to bond with your partner and be vulnerable. Sharing can be the exchange of information, emotions, and experiences. Try discussing some of your fav shared experiences. It will remind you of great times and give you ideas. On the other hand, you need to be your person. Couples who spend too much time together can quickly start to feel bored. Find new hobbies of your own and have experiences away from your spouse sometimes. Then share about those.

Technology is consuming you.

Ok, people. Get off your phones!! This is for us as well. To avoid “phubbing,” institute some phone free time each day. Be present!!!

Your not putting energy into your relationship.

We initially go through our romantic stage, but a few years in, that can start to ebb a little. You need to reinvent and rekindle your relationship constantly. Be more deliberate about giving your marriage the care and attention it deserves, even after the butterflies die.

Your not setting goals for your relationship.

It's pivotal to establish new goals to strive for. If not, you’re bound to feel unenthused about the future. Supporting and encouraging each other – whether solo or as a couple – increases love. “Happiness comes from moving toward what you want, not necessarily getting it.”

We are too routine.

Having a humdrum daily routine can make any relationship feel boring. Try new restaurants, new hobbies, and new places to visit. Get out of your comfort zone.

Help available

There are a lot of other examples in the articles of why we are bored and how to alleviate the boredom. We will keep you posted on how we are doing.

Lemonade moment of the week

I enjoyed visiting family and grandkids. At my aunt's 80th birthday party, I saw many cousins we hadn’t seen in a while. Fun dancing! Not boring!!

Links this Week

• Boring Marriage Tips
• MARRIAGE MONOTONY: REDUCING RELATIONAL BOREDOM

Biological mom Abi and step-mom Katy are choosing to "family" for the sake of their children. Katy met Will on a dating app and learned that he had 4 kids (ages 8, 8, 5, and 3).  There can be a lot of stigmas around divorce and the relationship between the biological mom and the biological father's new partner. 

Abi talks about meeting her ex-husbands new parter, Katy, for the first time and how she instantly felt a connection and how they were able to build trust.  

During the episode, Abi reads a letter she wrote to her ex-husbands new partner when she first got divorced. 

Abi and Katy discuss their relationship and how they choose to co-parent. 

In this episode, Katy and Abi get practical about:

• Being a united front in both households
• How Katy asked really great questions about parenting styles
• Expectations around screen time and discipline
• Communication and how Abi doesn't mind being the "bad guy" when it comes to discipline
• Involving grandparents and in-laws 

Katy owns a farm called Sticky Holler Farm in Arkansas. She's on Instagram as @stickyhollerfarm.  

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Darren and Paige have been thinking a lot about 2023. There is so much uncertainty in the future right now. Darren has had a lot of luck with his work and will continue this year. They have had friends lose their jobs, friends waiting to see if they will lose their jobs, companies changing their compensation packages, the economy is slow simmering into a recession…a lot of uncertainty.

This brings a lot of anxiety and worry. The article referenced for this podcast says anxiety is our organic coping mechanism for lack of control and information. But at a certain point, anxiety about something we will never be able to control is unhelpful and even harmful. So What Can We Do???

Techniques for Coping with Uncertainty:

Identify and tune out unproductive worrying

"Productive worries tend to lead to actions that give us more control of our environment, whereas unproductive worries make us feel even more anxious and uncertain (thus leading to a vicious cycle)," Aldao explains.

With this in mind, try to differentiate how much of your worrying is productive (ensuring enough food in the house) versus unproductive (staying up all night thinking about worst-case scenarios). If you can do nothing about it, it's not yours to worry over.

Something to note: Simply "tuning out" worrisome thoughts is not easy, especially for a very anxious person. That said, taking a step back and recognizing what is and isn't worth the worry can be a helpful first step.

Practice Mindfulness

Not our thing. It says to Feel the Chair under your butt, appreciate the texture of the food as you chew, and note the sensation from going hungry to satisfied… Okie Dokie.

Develop habits and routines for a sense of control. We need structure and management on a smaller scale. Hold yourself accountable with daily exercise, changing out of PJs, and trying new recipes. Set up an activity calendar for work and fun and stick to it as much as possible. It will help with your low moods.

Focus on Gratitude

Find that silver lining!! Perspective is so important!!

Seek out Humor

Watch a funny tv show or game night with friends; humor is here and now. Takes our minds off the future and uncertainty.

Don’t rely on temporary distractions

Don’t fill the void of uncertainty with escapist behaviors, drinking, eating, denial, etc.

Accept what you can't control

Easier said than done, but acceptance is a big step toward peace of mind. Also, obsessive consumption of information -grasping for certainty – can worsen things. "Acknowledging that we can't control and change everything is essential," Aldao says. "Wanting to know and control everything fuels uncertainty. Seeking out information is vital, and keeping up with the news is important—but constantly refreshing your news and social media feeds only adds to the anxiety."

How to help your spouse

Empathize with the situation and your spouse. Don't try to fix things; tell them everything will be OK, or it is not that bad. Let them have their moment. Don't let them wallow too long. Go out and do something together. Have a friend take them out to lunch or something.

We’re Back!!!

It has been a while since we have done a podcast, but we are getting back into the swing of things for 2023. 

It was a busy year! 4 of our kids got engaged in 2022!!! So fortunate to have all these new in-laws join our family. 

Let's take a look at all the things that happened this year!!

January – Darren and Paige went to Palm Springs for a short getaway. Super fun!

February – Girls' trip with Ilene and Jill in Sedona and then a quick trip to Utah for Zoey’s birthday before Paige’s surgery! 

March – Quick trip to So Cal to see my mom, sister, Dallin and Alex while Darren had work meetings. 

April – Saw Journey and Toto! So fun!! Then off to Idaho for Andie and Jacobs's graduation, we were supposed to head to Brazil, but Darren got COVID. So instead, we stayed home; Paige got Covid too and went to Bodega Bay. Mid-April went to Utah for Julianne’s graduation. 

June – Portugal, baby!!! And another trip to Utah for Mitchell’s first birthday.

July – We had lots of summer visitors, which we love!!

August – Took the 3 amigos to San Francisco, Alcatraz and China town.

September – Paige had a girls' trip to St George with our daughters. Joseph and His Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. 

October – 2 weddings!! Anna and Matthew in Atlanta worried about the rain, but it was a beautiful day. Then McKayli and Jake were married here in California. Worried about rain again, but ended up perfect. 

November – Footloose baby!!!! So fun seeing Sam in the play. Loved all the performances!! Then Thanksgiving week in Europe with Andie and Jacob. Wonderful trip.

December – Trip to Utah to watch the grandkids and tortured Boyd when he asked permission to marry Julianne. Then Christmas fun! 

A busy but wonderful year, minus Paige’s surgery. Looking forward to 2023!! 2 weddings and a family trip!!

I am so pleased to introduce you to my BFF, Alisha Miranda! She has always been an inspiration to me. We’ve known each other for 36 years! She got married at 20 years old and had two kids by 26. During her 21 year marriage, she completed a Bachelor's degree, TWO Master's degrees and raised her 2 children! This is real talk about motherhood, marriage, divorce and how she tried to keep her family together while being married to an alcoholic. 

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Thanks for listening to another episode of The Women’s Fittest Podcast! This is episode #128 Interview with IFBB pro Christina Bitner. 

This interview was near and dear to my heart because Christina is a beautiful woman that I get to call friend. I first interviewed her on the podcast two years ago (my second guest ever) and the follow up today was a culmination of many topics we’ve talked about privately over the last couple years. Mainly, how difficult competing on the pro level is and what happens after bodybuilding. So, what’s next? What does that look like, what does that feel like. What does recognizing there’s a physical identity in this sport that we will eventually have to let go of to some degree feel like. Christina and I talk about all of this including her next big dream she’s embarking on. 

Topics:

1. Her competition history
2. Competing on the pro level 
3. Eating like a “normal person” 
4. The Scale 
5. Her upbringing and losing both her parents 
6. How she gained 5 kids basically overnight 
7. Body image and perspective 
8. Hyper mobile joints and bodybuilding and her shoulder issues 
9. Having something else besides bodybuilding for after bodybuilding
10. The baby making journey 
11. Trying to not care so much about other peoples opinions on your body

Mentions:

@weightsncakes

@jenniferreedfitt

@delanehart_physiques

@michaelaaycock

@ifbbprokiraneuman

@johnjewett3

@shelbystarnes100

@julsfit10

Subscribe to The Women’s Fittest podcast as new episodes drop every Monday and throughout the week. Your reviews are appreciated and truly matter! Thank you in advance for your efforts towards the growth of The Women’s Fittest podcast. Also find many of these episodes in video form on my YouTube: Buffcake22! 

Purchase a Women’s Fittest Program & Join The Women’s Fittest private Facebook group for my female one on one clients or for those who’ve purchased training/nutrition programs: https://www.facebook.com/groups/3157219821269373/

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Ok, so here we are again in the summertime!! It is a beautiful time of year. Kids are home, enjoying a nice break from school. It's time for them to relax and chill. But what happens when their chillin involves hours and hours of screen time each day? How much is too much? Do we as parents ban screen time completely? Or limit it? Do we keep them super busy with other things? Let's dive in and see what we can figure out.

Consider how you manage your families technology:

Every family is different. Your schedules are different. Consider:

• What works well and what is currently working?
• Model the technology restrictions you expect from your kids.
• Screen time limits, will you limit by the day or by the week? Will they have things they have to do before they get on? 
•  Setting priorities for the day, instead of monitoring minutes, could be the secret to summer happiness, thanks to less time spent nagging, pulling your hair out, and feeling guilty.
• Each kid is different. Some of your teenagers may have a job, sports, or camps. Their downtime might be screen time. 

Seek Balance:

• As you consider a new strategy for managing summer screen time over the summer, it’s important to seek balance. An outright ban on technology in the home can be frustrating to every family member.
• Is it screen time or downtime?

Know the difference between active and passive screen time:

• Are they just playing a non-productive game or watching a mindless tv show or YouTube videos? Or are they learning something? Important to know the difference and recognize it with our kids. It's easy to see them on a screen and tell them to get off, but what are they really doing?
• Search out ways that they can learn on their screen. That's a win-win. 

Be ok with the occasional binge. 

• Sometimes our kids are busy from morning to night and others where they have total down time. That's ok for them to be able to chill for a day. 

Links

• https://techsavvymama.com/2017/05/managing-summer-screen-time.html

Lemonade moment of the week:

The boys are away at camp. Miss them but get to spend time with Madeline one on one.

Darren & Paige are in Portugal for a week away from work and kids, but not podcasting. In this week's episode. Find out what they learned not to do when they travel. Some of it from personal experience. Some of it by watching other tourists standing out. :)

Second Half of Portugal

• Sintra and Cascais- Wear great walking shoes. Dress in layers. Rain, no rain, rain, hot, rain. Lots of hills to climb on cobblestone streets and sidewalks.
• Lisbon on a Sunny Saturday. Incredible city. Very crowded. Everyone in Portugal was there when we were there. Must see the Monastery of Jeronimo, eat at Pastéis de Belém, Pastels de Nata (egg tarts), and walk along the Tagus River to the Tower of Belem. Walk the Rua Augusto near the Praca do Commercial. Too much to see in one day.
• Beach cities - Peniche, Nazare, and Praia Del Rey
• The hunt for a porcelain platter 
• Church on Sunday/ A family moved to Portugal from the states 5 years ago. Great to hear their story.
• Lisbon Temple on Saturday

Don'ts When You Travel

• Don't order the food they aren't known for and expect it to be good. Mexican food in Poland.
• Don't go to big cities on Saturdays with good weather.
• Don't try and park in downtown Lisbon.
• Don't rely on your mobile phone service. Don't stay in the passing lane on the freeway. Everyone in Europe moves right (Except in the UK) except to pass.
• .Don't get offended when someone honks at you.
• Don't be afraid to wear comfy shoes.
• Don't ignore your concierge. Don't be rude to anyone.
• Don't be too loud. Notice what other people are doing and pay attention. Poland is a peaceful country.
• Don't be afraid to make new friends and talk to people.
• Don't forget sunscreen
• Don't forget to put on sunscreen that is in your backpack
• Don't forget to take a backpack with you.
• Don't park where you are not supposed to. You will get a ticket.
• Don't get a speeding ticket. Many European countries send you a ticket in the mail months later.

Lemonade Moment of the Week

While Darren & Paige were in Portugal, one of the kids had an incident with the car. Everything was fine, and a friendly neighbor was there to help the situation.

This week Darren & Paige are in Portugal. Why Portugal? You have to listen to find out. They talk about some of the travel tips they have learned over the last eleven years of traveling together, including what not to pack and how to tip your waiter.

Why Portugal?

• Resort in Praia Del-Rei
• Porto
• Coimbra

Travel tips 

• It might be cheaper to travel from a different airport. SFO was about half as much as flying out of SMF for use.
• It might be cheaper to rent a car one way than to pay for parking. Check it out before you rule it out.
• Stay in some place central where you can make day trips into the different cities. We have done this on multiple occasions.
• Plan out an itinerary but be flexible. We had a rough idea

Before you fly

• Get snacks for the flight
• Try and switch to a better seat. Unless you are my flight.
• Have a battery backup or charger for your devices
• Download shows to watch before getting to the airport. Bring a blanket or sweater. Airplane temperatures are hot and cold depending on who has control of the thermostat.
• Check out the travel documentation requirements. Including COVID. They are changing all the time.

Clothing

• Do your homework and pack accordingly. Light rain jackets are always good.
• Proper shoes or sandals. On Paige's first trip outside of the US, she brought plenty of proper shoes.

Eating

• Tipping customs
• Times restaurants are open or closed. In Portugal, everything is closed down from 3-7pm.
• What kind of food is local in the places you are visiting. If you are visiting different cities, they have different dishes.
• Bring snacks in your carry-on and in your suitcases. We have been in situations when nothing was open when we landed or got to the hotel.
• Find the local hangouts. Ask your uber driver and even someone at the front desk. It is cheaper than the typical tourist areas.
• Understand the local customs with food and restaurants. Just because bread is free in America, it is not accessible in most places. They may even put it on your table and not tell you how much it costs.
• Hydration. We are over hydrated in the US and in Europe. Most times, the water is as expensive as soda or beer. Craziness for us.
• Find out if you can drink the local water. Websites should have this information.

Driving and Transportation

• Look at the travel blogs and Reddit for tips on traveling in a foreign country.
• Rental cars can give you flexibility if you are exploring.
• Toll roads are big in almost every country in Europe. 
• Look at trains and subway systems for big-city transportation.
• Parking can take time and cost lots of money.
• UBER and Lyft are great alternatives.

Lemonade Moment of the Week

After exploring Porto with sore feet and tired bodies after a long day, Darren & Paige walk along the Douro River and find a wonderful evening of music and food.

Darren and Paige decided to tackle, "should you blend these two families?" It can be a colossal mistake to blend families too quickly. (says the couple who combined very quickly) There are some essential things to know before agreeing. (Do you like camping, do you want a dog, or do you want more kids??) The need for companionship can drive you too quickly. 

Let's talk some sobering statistics. In the U.S. 50% of first time marriages, 67% of second marriages and 74% of third marriages end in divorce. Ouch! Those are not good numbers. Obviously you can beat the odds if you know what you are getting into and are committed. 

Of course our research dept found an article listing 5 wise considerations before blending families. Paige and Darren might not have headed all these, lol, or any of them. Let's see:

• 1. Unload your own baggage. Grieve the loss of your marriage. Give your children attention. Give yourself and your children time to heal. Get back on your feet emotionally, financially and into new routines. Try to gain some insights about your marriage that ended, about your needs and issues. Be ready to show up differently in the next relationship. 
• 2. Prepare yourself for the relationship you want to have and being the partner you want to be. Work on your communication, listening, and conflict resolution skills. Educate yourself about relationships; skills for success and common pitfalls.
• 3. Once you are dating someone, prepare your relationship by taking time to learn about each other and focus on your partnership. Have you had fights and resolved them? Met each other's families and friends? Have you learned about triggers and vulnerabilities? Are you in agreement on the BIG things? (money, religion, values, sex)
• 4. Prepare to blend by introducing the kids to your partner. Talk with your children about their feelings. How do they feel about this new person? They don't have to feel the same way you do about this new person, that's ok. Your children have another loss to deal with, the loss of their parents never getting back together.
• 5. Challenges Ahead! Relationships in blended families will not be equally close, some get along better than others. Do not force everyone to like each other. Let it develop naturally but provide the opportunities to let this happen (picnics, bowling, hiking, movies). Clarify roles of parent, step parent, co parent when it comes to discipline, payment of child expenses, time together. Counseling can be a huge help, don't resist it, give into it.

Not everyone has to do all these steps to have a successful relationship, but these are some really great tips. Blending is complicated and hard, but can also be rewarding and amazing. 

Lemonade Moment of the Week

School is ending! Finals week, hard for the kids, but now it is summer!!!!

Links

• https://gabardi.com/2021/09/01/five-wise-considerations-before-blending-families/

Is there a magic secret to a happy marriage? If we are told to do A, B, and C to make our marriage work would we do it? Do we do it? Or is it different for every single couple? Darren and Paige were curious about the tips that couples would give on how to keep a lasting marriage happy. They asked a lot of their friends and family that have been married for decades to see if there was some advice or if it is entirely different for each couple. Maybe a sense of humor isn't that important to a more severe couple but essential to another. 

ADVICE!!!!

Lets see what our friends and family had to say about what makes a lasting marriage?

• Focus on your partner's strengths and try to ignore their weaknesses.
• Treat your partner the way that you would like to be treated.
• She's almost always right, so just accept it and move on.
• Keep your promises.Don't take each other for granted. Remember you chose each other. Try to always remember the qualities you love about them.
• Be fully committed. 
• Try not to be selfish.
• Don't compare your marriage to other peoples.
• Look at your spouse through rose-colored glasses, not a magnifying glass. We all have flaws, but constantly magnifying your spouse's flaws will make you lose sight of their best attributes. (This doesn't mean you should ignore hurtful behaviors)
• Mandatory walk together each day. Takes just 11 minutes, but recap the day.
• Praying together at night.
• Being willing to forgive the little things, and sometimes big things, repeatedly. (as long as your health and safety are not at stake)
• Weekly date to connect.
• Do fun things together and find humor in everything you can. 
• Be a good listener and be interested.
• Give your partner the benefit of the doubt.
• Learn how to enjoy intimacy, it shouldn't be a chore, and you can learn to enjoy it together.
• Care about your spouse's happiness more than your own.
• Find what you have in common.
• Mutual respect.

This might be a fun list to go thru with your spouse and see if there are a few things you want to start doing or talk about. 

Lemonade Moment of the Week

Heidi fell in the pool. Poor baby. 

Links

https://www.brides.com/marriage-secrets-from-married-couples-5184605

Darren and Paige had a different podcast subject planned for today. However, after Mother's Day came around, we saw a lot of feelings around this day and thought we would do another episode on this topic. This day is hard for many; how can we make it better????

Mother's Day is supposed to be an amazing day!!! Right?

So here is another Mother's Day in the books. How was it for all of you? Were your expectations met? Managed? Complete disappointment? This is already sometimes a difficult day for women for a multitude of reasons, but mostly because of unmet expectations. I'm sure some very nice person came up with Mother's Day thinking what a nice thing, to have a whole day to make moms feel special...they had no idea what they were creating. Women can build up this day as a kind of reward for the other 364. When this day arrives and it is not the blissful fantasy we have in our minds, it falls short and reality hits. Now add in the complication of a blended family and oh boy, tricky.

What can we do to help the day be a happy one?

• Plan a group event. Fun to be with many people, friends and family. Helps the focus be off of just you (if you want that). This is not for you is you want all the attention on you. Figure out what is best for your situation.
• Be specific with gift giving or risk getting a toaster. Some men are great at gift giving and plan creative things way in advance. Most are not. BE BOLD! Don't drop hints that he will not decipher. Be specific, very specific. Maybe have an Amazon list to share with family. If money is an issue, make sure to let it known that you want a card from everyone. Or you want a few hours to yourself, or watch a movie you pick. Let them know in advance you would like a nice breakfast made by not you. Get out there what you want. Not in a bratty way, in a nice, I'm helping you out kind of way.
• Remember the kids. This is for a blended family specifically. Remember that your children probably did not ask to have a mother and a stepmother in their lives, they have had to adjust to the decisions made around them. Don't make this harder by making them choose who they have to make feel the most special. Let them focus on their mom on this day, if she is in their lives. Pick another day to celebrate with them if that is what you want. 
• Curb expectations. If you are hoping that your children will make some grand gesture to prove that they love you more than anyone else in the world, you are being unrealistic and a little unreasonable. Set expectations low and reasonable and be pleasantly surprised if it exceeds them.
• Don't overthink it. Mother's Day is a special occasion, but it is not the end all be all. If things don't work out exactly as you had hoped, don't assume that it is an indication of how your family feels about you. Resist the urge to indulge in self-pity and remind yourself that everyone is trying their best, even if it doesn't live up the the day you've created in your mind. 

We all approach Mother's Day with hopes and expectations. Sit down and take 5 minutes and figure out what those (reasonably) are and then communicate to your spouse or/and kids, what you need. 

Lemonade Moment of the Week

Two of our boys get engaged. No lemons this week just lemonade.

Links

• https://www.mightymoms.club/mothers/mothers-day-disappointment/
• https://www.socialmoms.com/know/parenting-2/navigating-mothers-day-in-blended-families/
• French Toast Recipe - Bake in the oven for 12-15 minutes at 350.

This week, Darren and Paige discuss tips and tricks to help with a problematic co-parenting situation. This is hard stuff!! You are divorced for a reason, and now you still have to make many decisions together around the children. Let's dive in!

It's not always rosy after a divorce. In fact it rarely is...

So you've made the decision to divorce. Sad. Now you have to co-parent with the person that you decided, for whatever reasons, to not be with anymore. Now parenting will be easy with your spouse/significant other gone, right? Oh, heck no. It is SOOOO much harder, especially in the beginning. Those little things you disliked about your spouse are now huge. And sometimes you just want to stick it to the other, just for kicks. But that is not what is best for the kiddos involved. Not at all. But how do we continue to parent when we disagree, don't get along, and just want the ex to go along with whatever I say because I am right! 

Here are tips on co-parenting with someone you don't agree with:

• Set boundaries with your kids. Sometimes we want to be the "fun" parent after a divorce. Kids need consistency. We don't want them to grow up entitled little brats because of our insecurities as a parent. We may be viewed as the "non-fun, serious house," but the kids need boundaries and will thank you later in life.
• Do not criticize your co-parent in front of the kids or to just anyone who will listen. This is confusing and hurtful to the kids. Also, do not let the kids speak disrespectfully about the other parent. They can vent respectfully. 
• Be a team. This will be hard, especially at first. The kids need to see a united front if possible. You will have significant decisions about the kids, and it will only hurt them if they know you are divided on certain things and will confuse them.
• Focus on your child's needs. You may think that this goes without saying, but sometimes you are focused on your anger at your ex, and you have a hard time focusing on your child. Adopt a business-like attitude; the business is the children. Talk only about the children. 
• Don't talk on the phone. This is especially true in the beginning or if you just constantly argue. Communicate thru texts or emails to give yourself a minute to think and act rationally. This will also let you respond to some things and not to others. Also will give you evidence should you need it one day for court; let's hope not.
• Don't expect too much. Manage your expectations. It could go either way after the split. They might step up and be a better parent or not. 
• Have a support system. Many days, you feel like it is just too much dealing with your ex. It can be very hard. Have that one friend or family member you can vent to and maybe get advice from. Don't vent to everyone!!! Pick a few people that you trust.
• Go to court if you must. If you have tried everything and it is not getting any better, you will go. This is the LAST resort. There is usually no winner in court. It can get ugly.
• Let the past go. Let it go, Let it go! To succeed in co-parenting, you need to let go of the anger and resentment and start anew. It is no longer about your ex's feelings; it is about the kids. Kids' best interest, repeat frequently.

You can do it!! It can be a roller coaster at times. Buckle up and try to enjoy the ride!!

Lemonade Moment of the Week

The last person in our house finally gets COVID. We got to spend some one-on-one time with David.

Links

 https://www.divorcemag.com/articles/9-tips-for-co-parenting-with-a-difficult-ex 

This week Darren and Paige talk about how to maintain perspective when things don't go they way you planned or want. They will talk about the some challenges and disappointment over the past few weeks. How do you maintain perspective??

Happy, Sad, Happy

•  Darren and Paige had a lot of big plans for April! Graduation, Brazil, Graduation. Lots of wonderful things.
• Darren blew it! After over two years of not getting COVID, Darren went to DC for a work trip and came home with the VID. They found out after getting back from the first graduation trip, two days before they were supposed to leave for Brazil. Brazil was cancelled. Paige and Darren were home alone while all the kids were off doing fun stuff. Then Paige got COVID, and depressed.
• Luckily recovered enough to go to the next graduation. 

How well do you handle challenges and disappointments? How do we keep perspective?

Use these strategies to keep a level head when everything seems to go wrong:

1. Find a way to learn from the challenge....blah, blah blah. But its true. Life would be much easier if we never made the same mistake twice.
2. Be Accurate. Avoid letting your emotions get the best of you. Be objective.
3. Ask yourself what you can do about it. Then listen to the answers and focus on solutions.
4. Exercise. Eat, sleep and get some vigorous exercise.
5. Maintain a positive attitude. Focus on the positive aspects of your life.
6. Realize that the situation is temporary. Just hang on and get thru each day. 
7. Help someone else. There are people all over the world that would trade their best day for your worst day. Serve others, you'll be glad you did.
8. Ask for help. There are people all around you that love you.
9. Find the silver lining. There has to be one.
10. Visualize a positive outcome. In many respects you get what you expect.

Your perspective can make all the difference. A negative outlook can make finding a solution much less likely.

Lemonade moment of the week: Jacob, Andie and Julianne all graduated. So proud. Also, all ten kids were together for the first time in a very long time. Family pictures!!