By the way as you listen to this you can substitute any other person in the place of the son and it will still work: your husband, your mom, your daughter, anyone. So listen to this concept and you can apply it to anyone in your life.
There are 2 sons - one in your head and one that’s the actual person in reality out there.
Does the son in your head match(thoughts about your son) the son in reality.
The bigger the gap the more there is suffering.
The smaller the gap the more joy you have. The more love and connection you feel.
Here’s why - you have NO control over the person who is your son but you do have full control over your THOUGHTS about your son. And great news - your THOUGHTS about him will determine how you connect with him. If you accept his just as he is that means the son in your head is matching with the son in reality. IF you do not accept him as he is and wish he were different you are creating the gap between you and him. Because the two people don’t match. This creates suffering. Reality always wins.
Personal examples
My sons back hurts - son in my head - his back doesn’t hurt. Suffering
Son in my head should never get frustrated at his brothers - suffering.
Son in my head should not be so sensitive - suffering.
Son in your head should do a certain job or should call you certain amount of times or should come visit, anything that he should do that he is not doing is what is creating that GAP between imaginary son in your head and the actual person who is your son.
Thinking too highly of your son - he’s amazing, he’s wonderful, he can do nothing wrong- sure you can think that if that feels good to you but be careful - your son is also a human who makes mistakes so when he does that human thing that he does that doesn’t match your ideal image in your head you will also suffer.
So I suggest you always rely on reality to tell you what your son should be doing and who he should be. Not your head.
Make your sons match as closely as possible for your own sake, so that YOU can feel connected and loving and support and be proud of yourself. Not for his sake although he will benefit.
The way to do that is to have thoughts about your son that reflect who he is. he doesn’t have to call me. I love him. He should be frustrated with his brothers. He should have a sore back. He should do all the things he does. He should not do all the things he doesn’t do. Do you see what I mean.
The smaller the gap between your idea of your son and your actual son the more connection you will feel.
