31. Answering Your Sex Questions with Emily Nagoski

Podcast Summary

• Validating feelings of sadness and loneliness in relationships and sex: Communicate needs and desires clearly, identify solutions, and approach issues with openness for improved relationships and overall well-being.

  When it comes to relationships and sex, it's important to acknowledge and validate feelings of sadness and loneliness when a partner's sex drive differs significantly from yours. Emily Nagoski, a sex educator and author, emphasizes the importance of getting specific and concrete with yourself about your needs and desires, and then communicating them to your partner. In the case of Wesley's question, it's essential to remember that it's normal to have feelings of inadequacy or suspicion when a partner declines sex regularly. However, focusing on these emotions alone won't help solve the problem. Instead, it's crucial to take a practical approach by identifying your needs and finding ways to meet them, either alone or with your partner's involvement. By approaching the situation with clarity and open communication, you can work towards finding a solution that benefits both partners. Additionally, the discussion highlighted the importance of finding solutions to common problems in various areas of life, such as finding a comfortable and stylish bra with 3rdlove or understanding different sex drives in relationships. By addressing these issues head-on and providing practical solutions, individuals can improve their overall well-being and happiness.

• Exploring emotional needs behind sexual desires and aversions: Understanding emotional needs is crucial for healthy relationships. Approach difficult feelings gently, build trust, and communicate openly for deeper connection.

  Understanding the emotional needs behind sexual desires and aversions is crucial for maintaining healthy relationships. Sex can serve various purposes, from joy and pleasure to deep emotional connection. When someone is seeking sex but feeling disconnected or lonely after, it's essential to explore other ways to feel emotionally close to their partner. Trust is the foundation of relationships, and being emotionally accessible, responsive, and engaged is vital in building and maintaining that trust. When dealing with difficult feelings, such as loneliness or distrust, it's important to approach them gently, acknowledge their presence, and provide what they need to move on. For couples experiencing differential sexual desires, it's essential to consider both what one wants and doesn't want when desiring or avoiding sex, as well as what they like and dislike when experiencing it. These conversations can be challenging, but with preparation and care, they can lead to a deeper understanding and stronger connection between partners.

• Understanding the Complexity of Sexual Desire: People's capacity for eroticism varies, and stress, exhaustion, and obligation can hinder access to the erotic mind. Hormonal changes and pain during intercourse can also impact desire, but open communication and understanding individual differences are key.

  It's normal for people to not desire or enjoy sex that they find unpleasant or obligatory. Sex therapist Peggy Kleinplatz suggests that what might be blocking access to the erotic mind is stress, exhaustion, or a feeling of obligation. People's capacity for eroticism varies greatly, and it's important to remember that everyone is different. For those experiencing a lack of desire, especially during perimenopause or menopause, it's essential to understand that hormonal changes are not the only factor. Pain during intercourse can be addressed with lubrication, and hormonal interventions are available for those interested in vaginal penetration. Ultimately, it's crucial to reflect on what sex means to us and to communicate openly with our partners about our desires and concerns.

• Practical steps and emotional management for addressing intimacy issues: Communicate openly, use techniques like sensate focus, challenge negative beliefs, and approach with patience and compassion to address intimacy issues in a long-term relationship.

  Addressing sexual intimacy issues in a long-term relationship involves both practical steps and emotional management. The practical steps include gradually getting closer to each other through techniques like sensate focus or graded exposure therapy. The emotional management involves dealing with feelings that may arise, such as past hurts or fears, by creating a safe space for open communication and mutual understanding. It's essential to develop a shared vocabulary around sexual desires, arousal, pleasure, and consent. Additionally, individuals should challenge negative beliefs around their bodies and sexuality, especially if they stem from strong faith traditions or communities that promote shame. Overall, the key is to approach the issue with patience, compassion, and a willingness to learn and grow together.

• Magnificent Sex: Fully Present and Valuing Each Other: Great sex is about presence, valuing the relationship, vulnerability, trust, and open communication.

  Having extraordinary sex is about responsiveness and prioritization, not just following cultural narratives. According to Peggy Kleinplatz's research in her book "Magnificent Sex," great sex happens when both partners are fully present and make time for it, valuing it enough in their relationship. This requires vulnerability and trust, which can take time to build. Trust is essential in all aspects of a relationship, not just during sexual encounters. Being there for your partner emotionally and sexually means showing enthusiasm and appreciation when they initiate or take risks. The key to magnificent sex is finding a balance between safety and exploration, allowing both partners to discover new things together while feeling secure. Trust and vulnerability grow at different rates, so it's essential to communicate openly and continue working on these aspects of your relationship throughout your journey.

• The Importance of Genuine Connection and Understanding: Understanding and feeling seen are essential for strong relationships, be it personal or with pets. Emphasize connection and knowledge in relationships, and approach discussions about sex and body image with children with respect and balance.

  Genuine connection and understanding are crucial elements in various aspects of life, whether it's in personal relationships or in the care we provide for our pets. The discussion touched upon the importance of feeling seen and valued, as exemplified by the significance of a simple gesture like sharing a cup of coffee. Lesbian relationships were highlighted for their emphasis on connected knowing, contrasting the more fact-based approach in heterosexual relationships. In the context of pet care, the choice between conventional and fresh, healthy food for pets was likened to the difference between immersive and beginner experiences. The importance of genuine connection and understanding was also emphasized in the context of discussing sex and body image with children, aiming for a balanced approach that encourages respect and safety.

• Open and honest sex education from parents: Starting early, discussing pleasure, boundaries, and comprehensive sex education positively impacts children's understanding of sexuality and relationships. Avoiding taboo topics and embracing openness reduces negative outcomes.

  Open and honest sex education from parents, starting at an early age, can have a positive impact on children's understanding of sexuality and relationships. This includes discussing pleasure, boundaries, and comprehensive sex education. Avoiding taboo topics or being overly prudish can actually do more harm than good. Research shows that abstinence-only education increases rates of sexually transmitted infections, unwanted pregnancies, and earlier sexual debut. Instead, comprehensive sex education, which includes information on consent, pleasure, and queer-inclusive perspectives, has been shown to reduce these negative outcomes. As parents, we have the power to be our children's primary source of accurate and healthy information about sex, and it's important to embrace this role with openness and transparency.

• Supporting Children's Identity and Bodies: Acknowledge and validate children's experiences, provide open communication, and access to age-appropriate resources to create a safe and accepting environment for exploring identity and sexuality.

  It's essential for parents and caregivers to provide accurate and inclusive information to children, especially when they're exploring their identities and bodies. During a conversation, the participants discussed the importance of acknowledging and validating children's experiences, even if they don't fully understand them. They emphasized the need for open communication and access to age-appropriate resources. For instance, one participant shared her concern about supporting her stepdaughter, who identified as interested in girls, and acknowledged her limitations as a straight woman. She suggested the importance of providing access to books and resources that cater to queer experiences. Another participant shared her experience of being open and supportive with her child, emphasizing the importance of creating a safe and accepting environment. Overall, the conversation underscored the importance of being intentional and inclusive in our communication with children, especially around issues of identity and sexuality.

• Supporting Children's Sexuality and Gender Identity: Provide resources, inclusive books, and support for children exploring their sexuality and gender identity. Create a safe and welcoming environment, even if it means seeking additional resources and mentors.

  It's essential to provide resources and support for children exploring their sexuality and gender identity. Emily shared several book recommendations for various age groups, emphasizing the importance of inclusive and LGBTQIA+ content. She also highlighted the significance of finding supportive communities, especially for children with intersecting identities. Parents should aim to create a safe and welcoming environment, even if it means seeking out additional resources and mentors. As Emily mentioned, it's better to overdo it when it comes to discussing these topics, as children who identify as LGBTQIA+ may face unique challenges in a world where few things apply to them.

• Open communication and acceptance for children's sexuality: Creating a safe space for children to express their identities and understand consent and self-exploration is essential. Grassroots activism can bring about significant change in various areas, including sex education.

  Open communication and acceptance are crucial in helping children navigate their sexuality and understand the importance of consent and self-exploration. The speaker's personal experience of coming out multiple times emphasizes the significance of creating a safe space for children to express their identities. Additionally, the discussion of the Goldman Environmental Prize winners highlights the impact of grassroots activism in bringing about environmental change. Lastly, the story shared by Melissa underscores the importance of addressing sex education in a non-judgmental and open manner, allowing children to explore their sexuality in a healthy and informed way.

• Exploring the pros and cons of silence and noise: Reflecting on the benefits and drawbacks of silence and noise can lead to personal growth and empowerment, including expressing emotions and challenging societal norms.

  Exploring the relationship between silence and noise in our lives can lead to valuable insights and strategies for personal growth. Emily Nagoski, a sex educator, suggests creating a quadrant diagram to identify the pros and cons of both silence and noise, and reflect on why it's essential to try making noise. She emphasizes the importance of expressing emotions and challenging societal norms that suppress women's voices. The assignment is not only empowering for individuals but also contributes to breaking the patriarchy. It's essential to remember that making noise can be as simple as making tiny noises or using words of affirmation. The process of self-reflection and exploration can lead to increased confidence and joyful sex lives.