32: Consequences, and the teen who doesn't seem to care.

The hashtag #eldestdaughtersyndrome is reported to have had a whopping 24.7 million views on TikTok, and counting, but what is it and why is it getting so much attention?  

We look at the issues faced by the eldest sibling in the family, then talk more specifically about why daughters can feel resentful of the role that's foisted on them. It's easily done by us parents, particularly if we live in a patriarchal society.  

The expectation that they will do more of the emotional and domestic heavy-lifting in the family than the other siblings can teach them great life-skills, even make them successful in the workplace, but it can also make them resentful at missing out on the benefits of childhood. 

In this episode we talk about how we spot it and what can we do to rebalance what might be happening in our family. 

THE EXCELLENT BOOK I MENTIONED:

• The Thorn Birds by Colleen McCullough

USEFUL ARTICLES FROM HOME GIRLS UNITE ON INSTAGRAM:

• https://www.npr.org/2010/11/18/131424878/how-much-does-birth-order-shape-our-lives
• https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2023/11/first-born-children-eldest-daughter-family-dynamics/675986/
• https://www.refinery29.com/en-gb/eldest-daughter-syndrome-oldest-sibling-family-responsibilities

BOOK RECOMMENDATIONS FROM SAGE THERAPY CHICAGO:

• The Birth Order Book: Why You Are the Way You Are by Dr. Kevin Leman
• The Eldest Daughter Effect: How Our Family Order Influences Our Lives by 
  Lisette Schuitemaker 
• The Sibling Effect: What the Bonds Among Brothers and Sisters Reveal About Us by Jeffrey Kluger
• Sisters First: Stories from Our Wild and Wonderful Life by Jenna Bush Hager and Barbara Pierce Bush
• You Were Always Mom's Favorite!: Sisters in Conversation Throughout Their Lives by Deborah Tannen
• Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson

REFERENCES USED: 

• https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2023/11/first-born-children-eldest-daughter-family-dynamics/675986/
• https://www.charliehealth.com/post/what-is-oldest-daughter-syndrome#:~:text=Due%20to%20the%20responsibilities%20and,siblings%20from%20a%20younger%20age.
• https://www.modernintimacy.com/what-is-eldest-daughter-syndrome/#:~:text=Signs%20of%20Eldest%20Daughter%20Syndrome%20in%20Adulthood&text=Eldest%20daughters%20often%20shoulder%20a,mode%E2%80%9D%20when%20there%20is%20discord.
• https://omny.fm/shows/the-psychology-of-your-20-s/147-the-psychology-of-the-eldest-daughter
• https://www.sagetherapychicago.com/post/understanding-eldest-daughter-syndrome-navigating-the-challenges-and-finding-balance#:~:text=Delegate%20Responsibilities%3A%20Don't%20hesitate,that%20rejuvenate%20and%20energize%20you.

Thanks for listening. Please hit the follow button if you like our podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.

Our website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact us:
www.teenagersuntangled.com

Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog:
www.amindful-life.co.uk

Sometimes it's good to talk about our own challenges. The occasional chat in which we discuss the sorts of things we've been facing can help to dispel any myths that other people have got things sorted, and can also give you ideas of how to reframe your own battles.

In this episode we cover how important it is to keep reminding ourselves to not take things personally. We talk about a teen who has battled through numerous issues and come out looking like a swan. The key message is that we want our teens realise that it takes time to get there. She didn't pop out fully-formed, but the battles she's faced have made her far more powerful - and dare I say happier. 

We talk about how uncomfortable it can feel for us parents when our teen starts falling in love. We've covered the gritty 'teens having sex in our home', but this is more about the feelings we can experience as our child becomes romantically entangled.

The final reflection covers how difficult and challenging it can feel to be presented with new facts which require us to change our mind about something we believe to be true.

Let us know what you think; we always love feedback and any suggestions for new episodes.

CHAPTERS:

00:02:02 Not taking things personally

00:05:47 Building resilience through hardship one step at a time

00:14:53 The importance of practice

00:16:43 Coping with your teen's first relationship

00:20:21 Same-sex relationship

00:29:32 The importance of being able to change your mind when you have new facts

Thanks for listening. Please hit the follow button if you like our podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.

Our website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact us:
www.teenagersuntangled.com

Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog:
www.amindful-life.co.uk

Many teens roll their eyes if they hear people talking about manners. The concept sounds old fashioned - like something that should be relegated to the Victorian past - but often what they're thinking about is etiquette rather than manners.

I went into the differences, and nuances, of manners in part two of this previous episode:
https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/parenting-tips-23-coping-with-an-empty-nest-and-manners-what-they-are-and-why-do-they-matter/

For this episode I've been joined by Brooke Romney, the author of 52 Modern Manners for Teens,  about the vital role manners have in setting up our teens for success.

I mentioned a few previous episodes in the podcast. What do you think about manners? Do you have any particular ones that really matter to you.

Supporting your teen with meeting people and making friends:
https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/parenting-tips-26-friendships-how-to-support-your-teens-social-skills-in-making-and-keeping-friends/

Posting bikini shots:
https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/75-why-are-girls-posting-bikini-pics-and-what-should-we-say-about-them/

Setting high expectations:
https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/76-setting-high-expectations-without-the-pressure/

SECTIONS:

Social norms, manners, and relationships in teenagers. (2:06)

Parental intentions and manners education for teenagers. (7:18)

Social manners and etiquette for teenagers. (10:03)

Teenage social skills and online etiquette. (16:52)

Teaching teens social skills and emotional intelligence. (21:31)

Empowering teens through skills and teamwork. (26:11)

Thanks for listening. Please hit the follow button if you like our podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.

Our website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact us:
www.teenagersuntangled.com

Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog:
www.amindful-life.co.uk

We've all got a past, but telling our kids about what happened in it is a tricky subject. Whether it's all about the fun - sex and drugs and rock and roll - or things that caused deep trauma, there's a good chance that our teens will start asking questions at any point. 

Sometimes they're genuinely curious they want to connect, and get to know what makes the human that's one of the most important people in their life. Other questions are just an attempt at getting a free pass to do things that they might otherwise be held back from. 

Opening up, and being honest with them, can help them in the process of growing up. It will help them to understand why you operate the way you do, and create a deeper connection with you. If we are too open with our kids we risk flipping the table and turning them into our own therapists or parents. 

In this episode we delve into the issues involved, and talk about how we parents can tread that difficult line with our kids. 

https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/parenting-tips-20-how-to-talk-to-your-teenagers-about-drugs-and-how-to-deal-with-a-teenager-who-says-they-dont-want-to-see-the-other-parent/

https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/parenting-tips-2-should-we-be-letting-our-teenagers-drink-alcohol-and-what-should-we-be-telling-them-about-it-also-how-to-stay-connected/

 https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/parenting-tips-3-techniques-for-talking-with-your-teenager-and-teenagers-having-sex-in-your-home/

SEGMENTS:

• Trauma, parenting, and sexual assault. (0:02)
• Bonding with adult children through shared experiences. (1:12)
• Parenting and teenage mental health. (4:09)
• How to answer children's awkward questions. (10:29)
• Parenting and honesty with teenagers. (14:18)
• Sharing personal stories with children for emotional growth. (21:28)
• Navigating difficult conversations with children after trauma. (23:41)
• Sharing traumatic experiences with children. (27:31)

https://edition.cnn.com/2014/03/04/living/parents-telling-kids-about-past-drug-use/index.html
https://www.parentcircle.com/things-parents-to-remember-before-talking-to-children-about-past-life/article
https://theritesofpassage.biz/how-much-of-my-own-sexual-past-should-i-share-with-my-kids/
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2016/jul/16/i-was-raped-how-much-should-i-tell-my-children
https://community.babycenter.com/post/a30429415/do_you_think_its_ever_right_to_tell_your_teenage_child_you_were_rapedabused
https://apn.com/resources/how-to-talk-to-your-kids-about-your-past/
https://drlizhale.com/talking-to-your-child-about-your-past/
https://www.moralrevolution.com/blog/Talking-to-your-kids-about-your-past
https://www.familylife.com/articles/topics/parenting/ages-and-stages/teens/when-to-tell-your-kids-about-your-past/
https://www.metroparent.com/parenting/advice/parents-tell-kids-past/

Thanks for listening. Please hit the follow button if you like our podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.

Our website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact us:
www.teenagersuntangled.com

Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog:
www.amindful-life.co.uk

One of the trickiest questions for parents is how to set expectations that help our kids thrive and grow without crushing them or making them feel low self-esteem or shame.  

If we don't set expectations we run the risk of making our kids feel like nothing they do really matters, so they can feel overlooked and apathetic about life, but we've all heard about parents who damage their kids through unreasonable demands. Our expectations are born out of our own ideas of what matters, so how do we know that we're not pushing toxic ideas on to our kids?

In this episode we talk about how today's society has come expect very little of our teens, whilst seemingly piling on pressure and expecting too much. We talk about how critical the growth mind set is, the stages we go through in learning a skill, and how we parents can support out teens to grow a wide range of important skills without damaging their self-esteem in the process. 

PREVIOUS EPISODES THAT ARE RELEVANT:
 
Episodes 5, 10, 38 & 40

• https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/parenting-tips-10-helping-your-teen-navigate-friendship-groups-particularly-girls-and-how-to-get-your-teen-to-keep-going-instead-of-giving-up-at-the-first-hurdle/
• https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/parenting-tips-5-how-do-you-motivate-a-teenager-who-isnt-very-academic-what-to-do-when-your-teenager-says-they-want-to-give-up-their-musical-instrument-or-other-activity/
• https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/40-exam-revision-parenting-through-the-pressure/
• https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/38-talking-to-teachers-about-your-teen-how-best-to-do-it-and-why-it-still-matters/

THE SKILL MATRIX:

• Unconscious incompetence.
• Conscious incompetence.
• Conscious competence.
• Unconscious competence.

QUESTIONS THAT WILL EMPOWER YOUR TEENAGER:

•  Are the expectations placed upon me realistic? 
• Do they align with my values? 
• Is meeting those expectations within my control? 
• What and how do I communicate if the expectations are unreasonable or make me resentful?

https://www.sec-ed.co.uk/content/best-practice/nqt-special-what-do-high-expectations-actually-look-like/
https://sonyalooney.com/the-paradox-of-expectations-pressure-and-comparison-in-sport-and-life/
https://www.teachwithmrst.com/post/setting-clear-expectations
Teach Like a Champion by Doug Lemov
Marie Amaro, principal presenter at the You Tube channel the Highly Effective Teacher
https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/life-smarts/202004/parental-expectations-the-helpful-and-the-harmful

Thanks for listening. Please hit the follow button if you like our podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.

Our website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact us:
www.teenagersuntangled.com

Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog:
www.amindful-life.co.uk

They're everywhere. Tabloid news feeds and social media are awash with photos of girls and women in bikinis, and why not? Women's bodies are beautiful and through antiquity the female form has been admired. 

Yet many parents are deeply uncomfortable with the type of photos being posted, the age of the girls when they do it, and what it all means about them. 

When Sharon asked us to talk about what's going on, and how she can help her daughter think more about her own values, and what she is posting, we knew it was a great topic for us. 

EMOTIONAL EATING HELP:
https://www.helpguide.org/ARTICLES/diets/emotional-eating.htm

RESEARCH:
https://www.vogue.co.uk/article/bikini-selfie
https://her.ie/life/instagram-rule-created-teenagers-beyond-frightening-327076
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-66877718 

Thanks for listening. Please hit the follow button if you like our podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.

Our website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact us:
www.teenagersuntangled.com

Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog:
www.amindful-life.co.uk

Diets, and an obsession with weight, are so much a part of Western culture that it's hardly surprising our teens can struggle to understand how to eat well.

When I researched the topic for episode 9, I discovered that many experts are using mindful - or intuitive - eating to treat patients who develop disordered eating patterns. Indeed, the Intuitive Eating Workbook, which is now in its fourth edition, is recommended on the website of the UK's premier eating disorder charity Beat. 

I reached out to Elyse Resch who is co-author of that book, because she has a long list of academic and industry accreditations, and  decades of experience in dealing with eating issues. Even better, she's created The Intuitive Eating Workbook for Teens to help our kids at one of this vulnerable stage.   

I’m delighted that she agreed to help us unpick how we are talking with our teens about this tricky subject.

CONTACT ELYSE RESCH:
elyseresch@gmail.com
https://elyseresch.com/EResch/

DEALING WITG EMOTIONAL EATING:
https://www.helpguide.org/articles/diets/emotional-eating.htm
 
THE TEN PRINCIPLES OF INTUITIVE EATING:
https://www.intuitiveeating.org/10-principles-of-intuitive-eating/

• Reject the Diet Mentality. Throw out the diet books and magazine articles that offer you the false hope of losing weight quickly, easily, and permanently
• Honour Your Hunger. Keep your body biologically fed with adequate energy and carbohydrates. Otherwise you can trigger a primal drive to overeat
• Make Peace with Food. If you tell yourself that you can’t or shouldn’t have a particular food, it can lead to intense feelings of deprivation that build into uncontrollable cravings and, often, bingeing.
• Challenge the Food Police. Scream a loud no to thoughts in your head that declare you’re “good” for eating minimal calories or “bad” because you ate a piece of chocolate cake.
• Discover the Satisfaction Factor. When you eat what you really want, in an environment that is inviting, the pleasure you derive will be a powerful force in helping you feel satisfied and content.
• Feel Your Fullness. Pause in the middle of eating and ask yourself how the food tastes, and what your current hunger level is.
• Cope with Your Emotions. Food won’t fix any of these feelings. It may comfort for the short term, distract from the pain, or even numb you. But food won’t solve the problem.
• Respect Your Body. Accept your genetic blueprint. Just as a person with a shoe size of eight would not expect to realistically squeeze into a size six, it is equally futile (and uncomfortable) to have a similar expectation about body size.
• Exercise—Feel the Difference. Shift your focus to how it feels to move your body, rather than the calorie-burning effect of exercise.
• Honour Your Health with Gentle Nutrition. Remember that you don’t have to eat perfectly to be healthy.


Previous episode: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/parenting-tips-9-how-to-help-your-teens-manage-their-screen-time-and-talking-to-them-about-healthy-eating-without-giving-them-an-eating-disorder/

Thanks for listening. Please hit the follow button if you like our podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.

Our website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact us:
www.teenagersuntangled.com

Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog:
www.amindful-life.co.uk

My teen daughter has told me that the fact I am open about my own failings, and quick to apologise, makes it much easier to trust me and to feel safe admitting when she's gone wrong. 

It's so easy to look back and see our mistakes, or where we might have done things better, but it’s hard to admit to them and forgive ourselves. The truth is, it's incredibly difficult to get it right in the moment. 

As we discuss in this episode, when it comes to the sliding doors versions of life we can never really know whether a different path would have turned out better. All we can do is to try our best with what we have right now. 

We've made this episode to help you feel less alone and hopefully some good tips too. 

Thanks for listening. Please hit the follow button if you like our podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.

Our website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact us:
www.teenagersuntangled.com

Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog:
www.amindful-life.co.uk

When the other parent is inconsistent, or never turns up for your kid, it can be incredibly challenging for both of you. It's hard enough as it is, but can be even more challenging when they are abusing a substance, such as alcohol or drugs.

When a listener told us about the difficulty she has parenting a teen son whose absent dad is an alcoholic we thought it was an important subject, and one worthy of discussion.

So how do we support a tween or teen in this position? What do we say to them? How do we help them with the feelings they might be having?

The National Association for Children of Alcoholics suggests using this mantra:

• I didn’t cause it
• I can’t cure it
• I can’t control it
• I can care for myself by communicating my feelings, making healthy choices, and by celebrating myself.

BACK TO SCHOOL ISSUES:

• https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/parenting-tips-34-bunking-wagging-hooky-skiving-or-school-refusal-whatever-you-call-it-too-many-teens-are-doing-it-but-why/
• https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/parenting-tips-14-how-to-help-your-teen-with-anxiety-and-how-to-set-rules-that-your-teens-will-follow/
• https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/anxiety-how-to-help-your-teen-with-anxiety-according-to-renee-mill-senior-clinical-pscychologist/ 
• https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/parenting-tips-5-how-do-you-motivate-a-teenager-who-isnt-very-academic-what-to-do-when-your-teenager-says-they-want-to-give-up-their-musical-instrument-or-other-activity/

Support:
The National Association for Children of Alcoholics https://nacoa.org.uk/

https://allthingssimplywindy.com/how-to-deal-with-an-absent-dad/
https://www.weinbergerlawgroup.com/blog/newjersey-child-parenting-issues/help-children-handle-unreliable-parent/
https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/helping-a-child-cope-with-an-absent-parent/
https://fathers.com/blog/consistency/what-consistency-looks-like-in-a-dad-5-keys/
https://elisabettafranzoso.com/articles/types-of-damaging-fathers-how-they-influence-who-we-are
https://www.verywellfamily.com/how-to-talk-to-children-about-absentee-fathers-2997224
https://www.wikihow.com/Help-a-Child-Cope-with-a-No%E2%80%90Show-Parent
https://wehavekids.com/family-relationships/When-Daddy-Dont-Love-Their-Daughters-What-Happens-to-Women-Whose-Fathers-Werent-There-for-Them
https://www.joincake.com/blog/death-of-a-father-I-never-knew/
https://www.lipstickalley.com/threads/my-sons-father-is-inconsistent.4623629/
https://www.therecoveryvillage.com/alcohol-abuse/explaining-alcoholism-child/
https://www.parentingforbrain.com/parental-rejection/
https://www.riversidecounsellingservice.co.uk/2020/06/09/absent-father-identity-issues/

Thanks for listening. Please hit the follow button if you like our podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.

Our website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact us:
www.teenagersuntangled.com

Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog:
www.amindful-life.co.uk

We're back with the first fresh episode of 2024. What a good time to talk about some of the things we've been reading, listening to, and watching, along with some news stories. 

Let us know what you think. We're always interested in any feedback; positive or negative, and we'd love to hear from you if you have any great recommendations. teenagersuntangled@gmail.com

Podcasts recommended: 

• Mel Robbins
• Unpublished 
• Good Bad Billionaire
• Everything Is Fine
• Search Engine: Why can't we just turn the empty offices into apartments?

TV:

• Hunger Games
• Netflix - Watch World War II: From the Frontlines

Book:

• Do Hard Things: A teenage rebellion against low expectations by Alex and Brett Harris.

Calendar app:

• TimeTree

School:

• PISA scores: https://www.oecd.org/publication/pisa-2022-results/country-notes
• Emotionally based school avoidance: https://www.leedsbeckett.ac.uk/student-anxiety-guide

Thanks for listening. Please hit the follow button if you like our podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.

Our website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact us:
www.teenagersuntangled.com

Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog:
www.amindful-life.co.uk