Podcast Summary
Societal pressure of beauty norms: Understanding and challenging societal expectations of women's roles, such as the 'virgin mother whore' paradigm, is crucial for mental wellbeing. Practicing thought work can help change subconscious thoughts and overcome fears, but it's essential to ensure the change isn't just to conform to societal norms.
The conversation between Cara and her friend Mary on the podcast, Unfuck Your Brain, explores the societal pressure of adhering to beauty norms, specifically the "virgin mother whore" paradigm, and the importance of becoming aware of and challenging these thoughts. Cara, referred to as the "queen of thought work," emphasizes the significance of understanding our subconscious thoughts and changing them if desired, particularly in relation to societal expectations of women. Thought work is an umbrella term for various tools and practices aimed at consciously altering thoughts, including self-talk. An example given is using thought work to overcome a fear of needles to get Botox injections, but it's crucial to ensure the change isn't merely to conform to societal norms.
Societal expectations, self-help: Be mindful of societal pressures when using self-help tools, and focus on building self-worth from within, rather than conforming to external standards.
It's important to be aware of the potential influence of societal expectations when using self-development tools like thought work and mindset work. These practices can be empowering, but they can also be used to reinforce harmful societal norms around beauty, weight, relationships, and self-worth. It's crucial to examine our motivations for using these tools and ensure that we're not just trying to conform to external standards. Instead, we should focus on building our own self-worth and value, regardless of external validation. Additionally, it's essential to recognize the societal pressures that can make us fixate on certain milestones, such as getting married or having a wedding, and strive to challenge these expectations. Overall, feminist self-help encourages us to embrace our authentic selves and reject pre-fabricated boxes that society tries to place us in.
Limiting stereotypes for aging women: Aging women face societal expectations that limit their roles to maidens, mothers, or crones, which can lead to self-doubt and limit potential. To break free, focus on self-acceptance and self-love, challenging internalized beliefs.
Women face limiting stereotypes and societal expectations as they age, often being categorized into limited roles such as maidens, mothers, or crones. These expectations can be internalized, leading women to doubt themselves and limit their potential. The Virgin Horror dichotomy further restricts women's sexuality, leaving them with few acceptable alternatives. To break free from these mental constraints, it's crucial for women to challenge their thoughts and beliefs, focusing on self-acceptance and self-love. Internalized socialization is deeply ingrained and requires effort to change, but it's a necessary step towards creating a more equitable and inclusive society for all women.
Small improvements in thinking: Instead of aiming for perfect positive thoughts, practice reducing 10% of negative thoughts to create emotional payoff and build belief over time using techniques like Thought Ladder and 'how human of me'.
Changing the way we think about ourselves starts with small, believable improvements. Instead of striving for perfect positive thoughts right away, we can practice thinking "10% less shitty thoughts" that we can believe in the present moment. This approach creates an emotional payoff and helps build belief over time. The Thought Ladder technique can help us identify these thoughts. Remember, there's no overnight fix, but consistent practice can rewire the brain and lead to lasting change. Another powerful thought is "how human of me," which reminds us that our experiences and feelings are shared by others, fostering self-compassion and connection.
Thought returns: Understanding the concept of thought returns can help us invest our mental and emotional energy into more productive beliefs, leading to better experiences and relationships.
Our thoughts and beliefs shape our experiences and interactions with others. Dr. Kristin F's research on self-compassion highlights the importance of recognizing common humanity, which includes being kinder to ourselves and others. Our thoughts create emotional and behavioral responses, known as "returns," which can either reinforce negative patterns or lead to positive growth. For instance, if we believe that someone, such as our mother, should behave in a certain way, and they don't, we may create suffering for ourselves by focusing on their perceived shortcomings. Instead, it's essential to recognize that people have autonomy and accept them as they are. By understanding the concept of thought returns and examining our thoughts more consciously, we can invest our mental and emotional energy into more productive beliefs, leading to better experiences and relationships.
Feminist coaching: Fosters a collaborative, non-hierarchical relationship, encourages self-awareness, neutrality, and radical subjectivity, empowering individuals to coach themselves and decide which thoughts to keep or change based on their own priorities.
Feminist coaching is about fostering a collaborative and non-hierarchical relationship between the coach and the coachee. It encourages self-awareness and neutrality towards thoughts and experiences, without imposing value judgments. This approach empowers individuals to coach themselves and decide which thoughts to keep or change based on their own priorities. Radical subjectivity is the core of this work, recognizing that our thoughts and interpretations are subjective and we have the power to choose them. This perspective challenges the misconception that mindset work ignores reality, and instead, encourages individuals to be aware of their own subjectivity and interpretations, giving them the power to decide what meaning to make.
Managing Others' Opinions: Instead of focusing on managing others' opinions, focus on strengthening our own beliefs and securing our sense of self. Don't let external thoughts overshadow our own values and beliefs.
Instead of focusing on managing other people's opinions, we should focus on strengthening our own beliefs and securing our own sense of self. This was discussed using the example of a mother dealing with her child's tantrum in public. The mother's thoughts are projected onto others, assuming they're judging her negatively, when in reality, others may have different thoughts or no thoughts about the situation at all. The key is to work on changing our own thoughts and increasing our own security, rather than trying to control others' opinions. Another example given was about feeling lost and uncertain in one's career, and the importance of not letting negative self-talk and external opinions overshadow our own beliefs and values. The ultimate goal is to have our own backs so strongly that we don't care what others think.
Self-Pressure: Excessive self-pressure can hinder progress and lead to negative emotions, instead focus on personal interests for shorter periods without pressure for new discoveries and opportunities.
Putting excessive pressure on ourselves to maximize our potential and achieve great things can actually hinder our progress rather than help it. This pressure can lead to feelings of poor self-worth, distraction, and an inability to make decisions. Instead, focusing on what we're interested in doing for a shorter period of time, without putting too much pressure on the outcome, can lead to new discoveries and potential opportunities. It's important to be kind to ourselves and recognize that personal growth and discovery is a continuous process, not a linear one. Additionally, it's crucial to challenge negative self-talk and replace it with more compassionate and realistic thoughts. By taking the pressure off ourselves and focusing on the present moment, we may find that we're able to make progress towards our goals in a more sustainable and fulfilling way.
Trusting the process: Trusting the process and letting go of the need for clarity and control can lead to personal growth and peace of mind, even if it involves resistance and discomfort.
Trusting the process and letting go of the need for clarity and control can lead to personal growth and peace of mind. This was a theme that emerged in the discussion about overcoming negative thoughts during recovery from disordered eating and in the context of social media and career concerns. Clarity and control can be alluring, but they may not always lead to positive outcomes. Instead, it's important to recognize and challenge limiting beliefs, and to focus on what we can control rather than getting fixated on external validation or other people's opinions. The process of growth and self-discovery may involve resistance and discomfort, but it can ultimately lead to greater self-awareness and fulfillment.