Podcast Summary
Communication with children: Focus on creating a positive and supportive environment for children's learning and growth, instead of constantly correcting and instructing.
The way we communicate and correct our children when they're young can have long-lasting effects on our relationships with them as they grow older. It's natural for parents to spend a lot of time instructing and correcting young children, but the brain doesn't change magically as they get older. This dynamic can lead to conflict or alienation. Understanding this phenomenon and learning how to change it is important for all of us, whether we are parents or have had parents or caregivers. So, instead of constantly correcting and instructing, try to focus on creating a positive and supportive environment where children can learn and grow at their own pace. Use positive reinforcement and open communication to build strong connections that will last a lifetime.
Neural networks and parenting: Our past experiences shape our neural networks, limiting our beliefs and imagination for the future, requiring conscious effort to expand our thinking and adapt to new situations in parenting
Our experiences, especially during formative periods in our lives, shape the way our brains learn and make predictions about the world. When parenting young children, who look to us as authorities and sources of wisdom, our brains reinforce the idea that we hold a great deal of knowledge and influence. However, parenting is a constantly evolving experience, yet our brains continue to operate based on past neural networks, which can limit our beliefs and imagination for the future. This can create a challenge, as our past experiences may not always serve us well in the present or prepare us for the ever-changing nature of parenting as our children grow. It's essential to recognize this pattern and make a conscious effort to expand our thinking and adapt to new situations, rather than relying solely on outdated neural networks.
Parenting neural networks: Deeply ingrained neural networks formed during childhood can influence automatic parenting responses even in adulthood, leading to potential conflicts and alienation. Parents should strive for balance between providing guidance and respecting children's autonomy.
Our neural networks for parenting start forming during our children's early years when we are constantly instructing them for their survival. These habits of voicing our beliefs and opinions become automatic responses, even as our children grow older and become more independent. However, as our children enter adulthood, their increasing independence and decreased need for our guidance can lead to conflicts and alienation, as our brains continue to view our role as essential for their survival. An example given was how a parent's automatic response to remind a child to say hello to a grandparent, even when the child is an adult, can come from a deeply ingrained neural network formed during their childhood. It's important for parents to recognize this urge and strive for a balance between providing guidance and respecting their children's growing autonomy.
Parent-Adult Child Relationship: Parents should listen actively, offer support, and provide guidance only when asked for it to foster a deeper connection with their adult children.
While parents may feel a strong urge to share their opinions and act as authorities in their adult children's lives due to years of experience and potential insider wisdom, doing so can create feelings of alienation or disconnection for the adult child. This mismatch between the parent's desire to connect and the adult child's experience of disconnection arises because the parent's brain is used to voicing its opinion and asserting authority, while the adult child's brain may perceive this input as unwanted and based on the parent's beliefs rather than their own. Therefore, it's essential for parents to be mindful of the potential impact of their words and actions, and to consider the adult child's perspective and feelings before sharing unsolicited advice. Instead, parents can focus on building a strong, supportive relationship based on mutual respect and trust. As I shared during a book tour event with my mom, it's crucial for parents to resist the urge to share their opinions about their adult child's choices and instead, listen actively, offer support, and provide guidance only when asked for it. By doing so, parents can help foster a deeper, more meaningful connection with their adult children.
Habit of constant correction: The urge to correct can hinder child's independence and self-discovery, making it important to resist the habit and allow children to learn on their own
The urge to share our opinions, even if strong, does not necessarily correlate with the value or importance of the comment itself. Our brains have become habituated to correcting or instructing our children, leading to a strong urge to intervene. This pattern, developed from years of daily practice, can make it difficult to resist the urge to comment, even when it may not be necessary or beneficial. To deepen your understanding and make the concepts stick, consider listening to the audiobook version of "Take Back Your Brain," narrated by the author herself. This immersive learning experience can help the information sink in and stay with you, allowing you to break free from the habit of constant correction and instead foster independence and self-discovery in your children.
Parenting values and commenting: Reflect on parenting values and relationship goals before commenting, as frequent intervention may not be beneficial and could harm the relationship.
As a parent, the urge to comment or intervene frequently in your child's life doesn't necessarily equate to the importance or value of your contribution. This behavior may stem from years of brain training, but it doesn't mean it's the most effective or beneficial way to interact with your child. Instead, consider your parenting values and how offering a comment aligns with them. Reflect on the kind of relationship you want to build with your kids and whether your comment will further strengthen it or harm it. If you wish to modify this behavior, practice allowing the urge to arise without reacting to it. Observe the physical sensations and emotional responses associated with the urge and consider the consequences of acting on it versus not acting. Remember, you're not a bad parent for having the urge, and it doesn't mean you should never share your wisdom or experience. However, being mindful of your actions and their impact on your relationship with your child is essential.
Decision making about unsolicited opinions: Consider personal values and desired outcomes before sharing unsolicited thoughts, as feelings of urgency or the need to change others may not reflect true judgments.
Making decisions about when to share unsolicited thoughts or opinions should be based on personal values and desired outcomes, rather than feelings of urgency or the need to change others. This advice applies to various relationships, including those between parents and children. Unsolicited comments from others do not necessarily reflect their judgments of our capabilities or potential. Instead, they may be unconscious habits. By recognizing this, we can choose how to respond, focusing on our thoughts, feelings, and actions. The Feminist Self Help Society, a community and classroom, offers additional tools and resources to help apply these concepts to daily life.
Unf*ck Your Brain Society: Joining the Unf*ck Your Brain Society could lead to valuable experiences, personal growth, and learning new skills, based on the speaker's enthusiasm and conviction.
The Unf\*ck Your Brain Society, accessible at www.unfuckyourbrain.com/society, is described as a favorite and life-changing place by its speaker. They strongly encourage others to join them there. While no specific details about the society were shared during the discussion, the speaker's enthusiasm and conviction were palpable. This suggests that the society offers a valuable and transformative experience. Whether it's through community, personal growth, or learning new skills, the society seems poised to make a positive impact on its members' lives. So, consider taking a leap and joining the Unf\*ck Your Brain Society – you might just find the change you've been looking for.