#83 What Led Victor Marx to Become the World's Fastest Gun Disarmer | Part 1

Hey there, it’s Kerri! Thank you so much for joining me on this latest episode of Invisible Wounds Healing from Trauma. This is episode 30 and we’re going to talk about what mindfulness really is, and why it’s so important!

I’m so glad that we’re walking the path towards healing together!

So just a quick reminder, I’m not a clinician, counselor, or physician. I’m a Certified Trauma and Resiliency Life Coach, a Certified Trauma Support Specialist, Advocate, and someone with lots of lived experience with trauma. Also, the information presented in this podcast is for educational purposes only and not meant to replace treatment by a doctor or any other licensed professional. 

Alright, let’s dive in!

Mindfulness is a term we hear everywhere. Mindfulness meditation, being “mindful,” practice mindfulness. Just what does being mindful mean anyway? What does that look like and feel like?

For a bit of background, mindfulness originated from ancient eastern, Buddhist, and Hinduist philosophy as far back as 2500 years ago! The term comes from the Buddhist concept of “Sati” which relates to the “moment to moment awareness of present events.” However, the more modern translation of “Sati” came in 1881 when Thomas Williams Rhys Davids, a Briton in Sri-Lanka, identified that mindfulness was the closest translation to the meaning of the concept of “Sati.” Although practiced widely in the East, it didn’t really become a “thing” here in the West until the 1970’s. Mindfulness first appeared in the United States because of Jon Kabat-Zinn, a professor of medication emeritus and creator of the Stress Reduction Clinic and the Center of Mindfulness in Medicine, Health Care, and Society at the University of Massachusetts Medical School. Kabat-Zinn first learned about the philosophical tenets of Buddhism while studying at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. In 1979, Kabat-Zinn opened the Stress Reduction Clinic at the University of Massachusetts Medical School. There, he adapted Buddhist teachings and created a program called “Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction,” or MBSR. This program put MBSR into a scientific framework and diluted the connection between Buddhism and mindfulness. But it still wasn’t until 1990 that his publication of “Full Catastrophe Living” brought global attention to his work. Since then, awareness and practice of mindfulness continued to grow. That’s your history lesson for today!

Also, practicing mindfulness does not mean meditation! That’s one way to practice it, but by no means the only way! If you mediate and love it, that’s wonderful! For many of us with trauma histories, meditation can be extremely difficult. Trying to sit quietly with our thoughts in our head is typically something we avoid like the plague! We are already in our own heads enough, we sure as hell don’t want to go there on purpose!

For me, learning about mindfulness began in learning about Trauma-Informed Care. I talk about that principle in different ways in almost every podcast. It’s “What happened to you” as opposed to “what’s wrong with you?” It’s the whole brain-body connection in experiencing trauma, our environment, our past learning histories, genetics, everything that has shaped us into the being we are right now. We’ve learned that in experiencing trauma, it affects how our brain wires itself, how our nervous system is always “on” scanning for danger, even when there is no present danger. That constant flood of chemicals throughout our brains and bodies, getting us ready for “Fight, flight, or freeze” prepares us for danger. Even though we aren’t in danger in the moment, our brain tells us we are. That’s one reason why so many of us have different mental health issues including anxiety and panic! We always wonder why our anxiety and panic levels can just suddenly come up out of nowhere, often without reason! I’m home, sitting, relaxing, watching TV, suddenly a panic attack hits! Our brain is doing what it’s supposed to, trying to keep us safe, we just have to find ways to shut off that constant threat mode, and remind it that it’s okay, we aren’t in danger right now thank you very much!

Mindfulness is firstly awareness. It’s being aware: Aware of your surroundings, awareness of that moment, awareness of your breath, sounds, physical, mental, and emotional sensations. As survivors of trauma, our brains are almost always either in the past, or in the future. We can be flooded with memories of things, people, places, events, in which we were hurt. Sometimes they are just fragments of things, things we aren’t even really conscious of, but they’re there. Then we can be constantly worried about what’s going to happen next! Next could be the next minute, hour, day, week, month year, the rest of our lives, we worry about it all. So, we are either ahead or behind, but not really “here” in the now, in this moment. Our thoughts swirl around in our brains and that keeps us distracted, unfocused, not able to really to think clearly. We often try to distract ourselves by mindlessly scrolling through social media, YouTube, or online games. It’s avoidance, we are avoiding dealing with it all!  I do it too and I think of gathering my thoughts like trying to “herd cats” very difficult….but not impossible! In my very earliest episodes, when describing what trauma does to our brains and bodies, especially when we experience them in childhood, but it can happen at any age, our brain reverts to survival mode only. It shuts down everything but our basic survival functions. So, our heart beats faster, our breath comes quicker, our blood pressure goes up, our muscles tense up,  we are ready to respond to danger. Our brain shuts down the “thinking” part of the brain called the pre-frontal cortex that’s responsible for things like language, memory, impulse control, learning, logic, and reasoning. So, you really can only react to things, you can’t think things through, can’t question, can’t be logical. Mindfulness can begin by being aware that this is what is happening to us. Then we can plan to take some next steps in order to “flip the script” and become more aware of ourselves in the process.

To begin with, it’s okay to slow down or stop. It’s okay to pause, to take a break, to be still. It’s actually more than okay it’s very necessary! We can’t go full tilt boogie physically and/or mentally all of the time, at some point, the machinery will break down, then we are often sick, physically, or otherwise. We have to begin to realize that we are living beings that need care. We are physical beings, living organisms that need more than just the basics to get by. We need more than just air, water, and food. Our brains and bodies are designed to do, learn, adapt, grow, and thrive: we can do amazing things! We are not here to just “get by” or just “get through” our days. We need to feed ourselves with new things, new challenges, new  opportunities to learn, and grow. We also thrive on connection to others; we really aren’t meant to

spend our days alone. However, our traumatic experiences have altered how we see not only ourselves, but how we see the world around us. We’ve been in survival mode so long; we don’t know any other way. Anything we DON’T know or anything new is scary, we’ve learned to be afraid of anything challenging because we don’t believe in our abilities to be able deal with things. So, we don’t try, don’t take a chance. Our world becomes smaller and smaller and that just feeds into our feelings that something is “wrong” with us, why aren’t we like other people? Why do we struggle so much? Why can’t we just “be happy?” on and on it goes…

Nothing changes overnight, boy I wish it did! We can’t change long-term, well-worn, habitual patterns overnight. Mindfulness begins with awareness, awareness of this moment. In this moment, if there is no real danger present, we are safe. We can practice breathing techniques, grounding exercises, and other mindful activities. For example, anything we do can be a mindfulness activity. Eating can be mindful. Many of us eat on the go, bolting down our food quickly, eating on “autopilot.” We often don’t make good food choices and can stress eat. That is totally me! I have bolted down my food for years. As a kid I didn’t want to have any part of my toxic family dinnertime! As I worked my first jobs, I was a waitress, shoving food in during a short break. Those habits kept on throughout my life. And stress eating? Hell yes! Food has always been my first line of comfort. So, to change this, think about planning a meal that’s good and nourishing for your mind and body. Prepare this meal with some excitement, thinking about how good this is for you. Plan to sit for this special meal you’ve created away from distractions. Turn off the TV, put away your phone. When you sit down for this special meal, you might think about appreciating this food and all of the things that made it possible.  As you are eating, eat slowly, chew thoroughly. Think about how your food tastes to you, think about all of the healthy nutrients as warm light spreading throughout your brain and body, nourishing every part of your being. You can elevate the experience of food to a whole new positive level! Another simple mindful activity is washing your hands. When you wash your hands, as you rub the soap over them, through your fingers,, feel the temperature of the water, how does it feel? Feel the connection of your hands rubbing together, connect to that feeling. Do this for about a minute to really bring that awareness to your mind. Literally anything we do can be made into mindfulness moments. When we shift awareness from those autopilot behaviors into this moment, into the “now” we create new neural pathways in our brains. We can see so many things more clearly, we can learn how to regulate or calm ourselves in so many ways. We can take these moments and be grateful that we are building new habits, new ways to see ourselves. It really makes such a difference in our healing process; I’d say it’s the first and most important step we can take for ourselves!

As with everything else, it takes effort, practice, and intention. It’s a new goal we can set for ourselves, but we have to actually DO it, build it into our daily lives. I know that when we are struggling, everything feels like it takes too much energy, we just don’t have it. I feel that way so much! But we already know that the way things are going right now in our lives, aren’t working for us. We are looking to make changes or are at least thinking about it. So why not give something small, something doable, something simple a try? We have to start somewhere, sometime, someway, with something! So why not here, now, today, with one small thing you can try to being to practice mindfulness? It’s not going to hurt anything, it doesn’t have to cost anything, and it’s not that you have to change your entire life now, just

something small, simple, and relatively easy to do. We take those baby steps forward, one tiny step at a time to create a new habit. After you practice it over time, it becomes a normal part of your routine. Then you can add in something else, so on and so on. It’s a pain in the butt to begin with but it is so worth it!

So, this is where I like to close us out with a new exercise that we can add to that “mindfulness” toolbox we’re building together! Remember, you don’t have to do this now, or at all if you don’t want to, but you might just listen and tuck it away in your mind for future reference.

This is a writing exercise. We are going to try and identify one small thing we can do and do it mindfully. If you’d like to try this with me, please get a notebook, a piece of paper, even a sticky note and a pen or pencil. You could even type it out in a word doc if you like. Whatever way you participate is fine, as long as it works for you, that’s what matters.

I’d like to invite you to find a place that’s quiet, calm, and as free from distractions as possible. If you’d like you could light some candles, put on some quiet calming music, burn some incense, or use some of your favorite essential oils on the palms of your hands. Breath in the scent. Remind yourself that you are in a safe space, you are safe in this moment, in the now.

We always start with our mindful belly breathing. Breathe slowly in through your nose, your belly naturally pushing out as you inhale, to a count of 5. Hold your breath for a count of 1. Then slowly exhale out of your mouth, your belly should naturally move in as you exhale, to a count of 5. Do this five times.

Think about the different areas of your life. You could break these out in the following types for example:

Physical, mental, emotional, environmental, social, financial, spiritual, personal growth, education, career, relationships, creative life, community, there can be many kinds. It depends on you and what you think is important.

1.       Write down what you feel the different areas in your life are. If you only want to write down one or two, that’s perfectly okay.

2.       Next, look at the different areas that you’ve written down. As you read through them, think about the importance of each one as it relates to YOU and your life, and what’s important to you, not what you think others would WANT you to choose as important. Write down your top two or three areas. If you only wrote one down, and that feels the most important right now, that’s your list.

3.       As you look at this shorter list, look at what you wrote out as your most important area, the one that matters to you most right now. What part does this area play in your life? Write that out, any ideas, thoughts, feelings, you have about what this area in your life involves.

4.       Thinking a bit more about this, and what you’ve written, does this area of your life impact or involve another person? If so, write out who it is, and how they are impacted by this area of your life?

5.       Next, what is one thing you would like to see change in this area of your life? What would you like to have happen differently?

6.       If this change to this area of your life were to happen, what effect would it have on you personally? Would you be less stressed, less anxious, more settled? Would it even bring you a bit of happiness, some joy, more connection? Would you feel more positive, a bit healthier, like you had a bit of control over your life and its direction?

7.       Next, what is one small thing you can do, that is within your control to do, to take some action in beginning to bring this change from your paper to reality? Something that isn’t overwhelming, a small first step.

8.       Finally, how will you bring this small step into your daily life? What time of day will you do this? How will you hold yourself accountable for making sure you’ve done this daily? For example, you can set reminders in your calendar on your phone or computer, use a task list with reminders, or even choose a friend or family member to be your “accountability buddy.” Remember, this should not feel like a punishment, just be a way to have some checks and balances in place to ensure that you are successful. It helps us to have a framework that’s supportive while we are building new habits.

Whatever you choose to work on, small consistent efforts daily bring about long term and lasting change. You’ll have some days where it works, and others that it doesn’t and that’s okay. If you have an off day, just pick up the next day and get right back to it. Doing it consistently is the key, that’s how we learn, grow, and get healthier. If you need to change your approach, or times of day, or anything you need to in order to make it easier, do it, just don’t quit. Keep doing it. When we stop, we go back to being frozen, stuck, unable to move. We have to take action in order to make things better for ourselves, unfortunately, no one can do it for us. We have to actively participate in our OWN rescue. We’ll get there together,  I promise!

I hope this exercise was something you found helpful, and it’s more tools to add to our “mindful” toolbox that we’re building together. Whenever you need to go to that toolbox and pull out any skill, we’ve learned in order to feel more grounded, safe, and connected, do it!! I have created a list of all of the techniques and exercises we’ve learned on my website invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com and will add to it as we go along. I’ve also put each exercise to beautiful video and music on my YouTube Channel Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma! Please subscribe if you like what you see and hear!

Thank you so much for taking the time to listen today, and please keep on listening! Wherever you listen, please like, subscribe, favorite, follow me, and share widely! What you think really matters to me too, so comment on the show, what you think, whatever’s on your mind. You can find me on Facebook at Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma, Twitter at Kerriwalker58, and my website invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com.

Look for my new episodes dropping every Monday on all of your favorite podcasts, music, and listening apps! Please take extra good care of yourself, and we’ll talk soon!

Hey there, it’s Kerri! Thank you so much for joining me on this latest episode of Invisible Wounds Healing from Trauma. This is episode 31 and we’re going to talk about why it’s never too late and what hope is and what role it plays in our lives.

I’m so glad that we’re walking the path towards healing together!

So just a quick reminder, I’m not a clinician, counselor, or physician. I’m a Certified Trauma and Resiliency Life Coach, a Certified Trauma Support Specialist, Advocate, and someone with lots of lived experience with trauma. Also, the information presented in this podcast is for educational purposes only and not meant to replace treatment by a doctor or any other licensed professional. 

Alright, let’s dive in!

I really wanted to talk about why it’s never too late, for ANYTHING! When we are really struggling in any area of our lives, we can feel hopeless, helpless, stuck. We can get trapped in our own thoughts, they can cycle through the same things over and over again. Lather, rinse, repeat! I used to have 4 things that bounced around in my head constantly relating back to my traumas: Fear, anger, rejection, failure. With these thoughts cycling in the background of my brain all of the time, it was natural that I acted or REACTED accordingly. My environment also reflected these things. I ended up in jobs that fostered an environment of secrecy, punishment, power control, mind games, they were totally toxic. My relationships were all over the place too. I felt like I was frantically dogpaddling as fast as I could just to keep my head above water, but I was still drowning. I just didn’t see it. That chaos in our minds can spill over into every area of our lives. I pivoted so many times trying to make things better for myself, but I was doing so within these chaotic environment. I tried to remake, redo, reinvent myself so that I would be a better employee, friend, whatever the situation. I was trying to make everyone else happy, everyone except myself! I was miserable and couldn’t understand what was wrong with ME? No matter how hard I tried, it just wasn’t working.

What I learned over my life was that it is never too late to change, to reinvent yourself, to start over. However, the key is that you have to do it for YOURSELF, not anyone else! That’s where the psychology of hope comes into play. Hope is a powerful thing. Hope is the reason we hang on to the “why.” The why is meaning, our purpose, our reason for existing. Just going through our days, especially tough ones, we are hopeful that tomorrow will be better. It can be, you can make it that way!

With all of our traumatic experiences, life has taught us many difficult lessons. We get to the point where we don’t expect any better, we don’t feel better no matter what we seem to do. We are tired of trying, of starting over. Hope is that little voice inside of us that keeps us putting one foot in front of the other. We keep going in spite of it all. When we want to quit, somehow we keep moving. It’s pretty amazing actually that we do go on, some people don’t. Some people do stop living, stop going on. 

I believe that each one of us was put on this earth for a reason. Every one of us has a purpose, something we were born to do. It’s hard finding out what that is with so much chaos, and awfulness inside of our minds, however. Sometimes we really do have to hit rock bottom before we are forced to make a change. I have been at rock bottom so many times in my life. I think the most pivotal moment of rock bottom was being homeless and hungry, with no place to go. That feeling of having no way out, no way forward is absolutely gut wrenching. That time in my life set me on the path to where I am now. It has been a very long road, with lots of missteps, bad choices, more trauma, but I learned. I was so low, that I decided to take a chance on a completely new path starting with my taking a job at a small rural domestic violence shelter in Ohio where I’m from. I needed a job, any job, I applied for it and got it. This was the beginning of me finding my passion, my drive in helping others. That little voice of hope kept me going, kept me trying. That rock bottom also a year later catapulted me into a cross county move with my son Ryan and his friend Kevin. The boys wanted to go to a specific school in Phoenix. My son casually mentioned that I should come too! I was stopped completely for a moment, I froze, as I thought about it. I’m almost 50, could I do it could I make that drastic of a change? Then, on the heels of that thought was “why not?” What have I got to lose? It was like a lightening bolt hit me! So, we got rid of literally almost everything we owned. We saved up between us a decent amount of money, not a lot, but we thought it would at least get us there! We left in December, a week before Christmas. We had 2 cars, in my small car were my 2 large dogs and in the trunk some clothes and some family keepsakes. In the boy’s car they had some personal stuff along with a motorcycle in the trunk. That was it! It was 3 full days of driving; it was quite a trip! We made it to Phoenix, and I remember all of us standing outside of our hotel room just staring at a palm tree! We were amazed and felt like we’d arrived on a completely different planet. The very next day, we found a house to rent, and we moved in immediately! We spent the next 5 days with no electricity or water and the utility offices were closed because of the holiday. We celebrated Christmas by standing around a small candle Kevin had put on the seat of his motorcycle still stunned that we were actually there, we made it! We’re still here over 10 years later! We have all become fairly successful, but not without a lot of bumps along the way. Am I exactly where I want to be in life right now? Nope! Do I see more growth and change on the horizon? Yes!! At almost 60, I still have things I want to do, new things to get accomplished!

My message to you is that you don’t have to wait to hit rock bottom to make a change! Is it scary? Hell yes! Is the outcome uncertain? Absolutely! Is it worth it? Yes! I don’t suggest you do things the way we did, I think we got incredibly lucky. Or maybe it was designed perfectly, who knows? The biggest factor is having a desire to do things differently, to do things in a new way. We know that things aren’t working the way we want them to in our lives. We aren’t well, or happy, or fulfilled in what we are doing. We  might daydream about what we really want, see ourselves in a dream life, an amazing career, living in a different place, doing amazing things! Who says that can’t be a reality for us? Who says that we can’t have all of those things? WE DO! We tell ourselves it’s ridiculous, it isn’t possible, stop hoping for the impossible. Listen closely to this because it’s really important: The only limits we have on our lives are the limits we set for ourselves in our minds! It’s true! 

While trauma has affected us deeply, and terribly, in order to survive, we throw up barriers and walls. Those barriers we throw up as protection, as safeguards against hurt, pain, and disappointment we have created ourselves in our minds! Trauma has taught us to be scared, to feel powerless, to not take chances. We’ve been hurt and disappointed so often in our lives, we have mentally built a steel cage around ourselves. It’s padlocked tight, we’ve stayed in it and thrown away the key! It keeps everything that could possibly hurt us out, it’s true. But it also keeps us locked inside, trapped. We limit ourselves to what is immediately around us in that cage. We lock ourselves in with all of our pain and hurt because that’s what we know! We shut ourselves away from new possibilities, new opportunities, new experiences. We miss out on so much in life. Without that key, without the will to get ourselves out of that cage, we are trapped in a prison of our own creation. So, we might potentially be safe, but at what cost?

We need to really take a good honest and open look at ourselves and where we are. What are the limiting beliefs we have created around ourselves that are keeping us stuck? When we dream about what we really want, what do we see? Where are we and what are we doing? Is there one thing that keeps coming up to the front of your mind over and over again, something you really want? Your inner voice of hope is calling to you. You need to listen more closely to it, because it’s telling you it’s time to do things differently.  It’s time to retrieve that key and step out of that cage you’ve built into something new, something you want, something that speaks to who you really are as a person. Not what others tell you to do or how to be. This is you and only you. You have the key; you just have to use it! Does it have to be a drastic life altering all at once change? No, it doesn’t! You can start small, like we always talk about, with those baby steps forward. Just the idea of change is scary for us, but we can plan a bit in order to make it less overwhelming and make it feel more real, more doable. It’s uncomfortable and steeping out of our comfort zone feels terrifying, I get it! I’m still scared so much too, but the more I learn, the more I try things, the more confidence I have in myself and what I can do. If we try something, and it doesn’t work, it’s a learning experience nothing more. It’s not a failure or that you lack any abilities, it just wasn’t the right thing for you, and that’s okay. We have to re-learn how to be curious, like when we were children. We are born curious about everything that’s the way a child learns. I am constantly wondering about things, so I am often looking things up, researching, and learning, and I love it!  We can stop and say to ourselves “I’m curious about______”  “I wonder about ______?” “What would happen if I tried ____?” “If I try something and it doesn’t work out, what’s the worst that could happen?”  All of these questions can lead to a new understanding of what we want, what we’d like to learn about. We have choices, we really do. While we didn’t choose what happened to us, we can choose to move forward now.  We can chose new ways to learn, grow, and heal. We’ll get there together, I promise! I’m learning right along with you!

So, this is where I like to close us out with a new exercise that we can add to that “mindfulness” toolbox we’re building together! Remember, you don’t have to do this now, or at all if you don’t want to, but you might just listen and tuck it away in your mind for future reference.

This is a writing exercise. We are going to try and identify one small thing we can do to create change. If you’d like to try this with me, please get a notebook, a piece of paper, even a sticky note and a pen or pencil. You could even type it out in a word doc if you like. Whatever way you participate is fine, as long as it works for you, that’s what matters.

I’d like to invite you to find a place that’s quiet, calm, and as free from distractions as possible. If you’d like you could light some candles, put on some quiet calming music, burn some incense, or use some of your favorite essential oils on the palms of your hands. Breath in the scent. Remind yourself that you are in a safe space, you are safe in this moment, in the now.

We always start with our mindful belly breathing. Breathe slowly in through your nose, your belly naturally pushing out as you inhale, to a count of 5. Hold your breath for a count of 1. Then slowly exhale out of your mouth, your belly should naturally move in as you exhale, to a count of 5. Do this five times.

We are going to explore ways to build hope in ourselves. We are going to be curious and ask ourselves some things that can help move us forward.

1.       We talked about daydreaming, and how you see yourself in your “dream life.” When you see yourself in that best spot, that perfect space, what is it you are doing? If you had a magic wand and could magically transport yourself there, what is that perfect thing, place, or state of being you see for yourself? Write that out, what is it that you ultimately want for yourself?

2.       Then, what would it take for you to get there? How would you get from “point A” to “point B?” The “how” of it isn’t important, rather, focus on the feelings. As you take steps towards this goal, how would that make you feel? Write out all of the feelings you can identify.

3.       Next, think about a time from your past where you did something, and you were successful at it. Ask yourself these questions and write out your answers:

a.       What did I accomplish?

b.       Did I do my best?

c.       What could I have done differently?

d.       What did I learn?

e.       How can I use this lesson as a way to grow?

4.        Think about and create a  “what-if” plan. We can plan for things like obstacles, and we can also plan for success. Both can be scary, but having steps in place to prepare can help us. Ask yourself:

a.       What happens if this doesn’t work out the way I had envisioned it? What then?

b.       What happens if this works out as close to or exactly as I had envisioned it? What then?      

5.       When you feel self-defeating, limiting, or negative self-talk come up (Your inner critic), how can you “flip the script”  in your mind? For example, when you think of all of the things that could go wrong with your plan to create change, ask yourself instead, what could go right? What is one statement you could create for yourself, to replace a negative thought with a more positive one? Write that out, keep it handy so whenever that negative thought pops up, you have your plan your statement ready to challenge it!

As with all new things this takes work and practice, no magic wand unfortunately! But you can do this, you’ve got this! We will support each other every step of the way, cheering each other on!

I hope this exercise was something you found helpful, and it’s more tools to add to our “mindful” toolbox that we’re building together. Whenever you need to go to that toolbox and pull out any skill, we’ve learned in order to feel more grounded, safe, and connected, do it!! I have created a list of all of the techniques and exercises we’ve learned on my website invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com and will add to it as we go along. I’ve also put each exercise to beautiful video and music on my YouTube Channel Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma! Please subscribe if you like what you see and hear!

Thank you so much for taking the time to listen today, and please keep on listening! Wherever you listen, please like, subscribe, favorite, follow me, and again share widely! What you think really matters to me too, so comment on the show, what you think, whatever’s on your mind. You can find me on Facebook at Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma, Twitter at Kerriwalker58, and my website invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com.

Look for my new episodes dropping every Monday on all of your favorite podcasts, music, and listening apps! Please take extra good care of yourself, and we’ll talk soon!

This episode is about healing our heart from immense pain, trauma, and heartbreak after others have hurt us. 
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I wish you healing in whichever way you need it!
Jamilliah

"Whether we know it or not, our souls are on a journey." - Jamilliah
Connect with me as we go on this journey together, stay tuned! Also visit JAMILLIAH'S WISDOM IS TIMELESS SHOP - wisdomistimeless.com

Hey there, it’s Kerri! Thank you so much for joining me on this latest episode of Invisible Wounds Healing from Trauma. This is episode 22 and we’re going to talk about the unintended “price we pay” in being involved in a relationship involving an abusive partner. I’m going to add a disclaimer here, because we are going to be discussing specific aspects of Domestic Violence or Intimate Partner Violence and it could be triggering. If it is, pause the episode. Do some mindful belly breathing, or any of the other tools we’ve learned, or one you like to use to get grounded, centered, and feel safe. Then come back when you’re ready.

I’m so glad that we’re walking the path towards healing together!

So just a quick reminder, I’m not a clinician, counselor, or physician. I’m a Certified Trauma Support Specialist with lots of lived experience with trauma. Also, the information presented in this podcast is for educational purposes only and not meant to replace treatment by a doctor or any other licensed professional.  An added note: If you are in a relationship where your safety, mental, physical, and emotional health are at risk, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for help in leaving the relationship safely and other resources. If you are in a situation where you feel you are in immediate danger, please call 911!

Alright let’s dive in!

In the last few episodes, we’ve gone over different types of relationships including abusive relationships, and how those of us with trauma histories can be particularly vulnerable to becoming involved with relationships involving abuse. I want to start off by reminding ourselves that IT IS NOT OUR FAULT! There is so much guilt and shame we associate with ourselves, and our choices. Our trauma histories have already gotten us to the point where we don’t believe in ourselves. Then our abusive partner just reinforces that belief by putting us down, telling us we’re “stupid” or we’re “no good.” We don’t think we can feel any lower than we already do, but layer on top of layer of that reinforcement sinks us right to the bottom.

I absolutely can’t stand that age old statement made by those who have no clue about the dynamics of an abusive relationship: “Why don’t they just LEAVE?!” Sure, in theory, it sounds simple, it’s just a choice you make right? I’m not good with this, I’m outta here! But that’s NOT how this works! To begin with, even though they hurt us, we love these people. We started out with who we thought was a loving, intense, passionate, kind, caring and devoted person. They treated us so lovingly, and well. We had no idea what we were walking into. Once the abusive behavior starts, they start knocking out all of our support systems. They cut us off from friends and family, they control our every move, everything we say and do. It doesn’t take long before we are in a very difficult position. We may have no job, or access to money. We may have no transportation, no way to get around. If we have children, that makes it even MORE difficult! Abusers, tell us that we’d never be able to make it without them, and that no one else would want us, and we believe it, we “buy the lie.” We become prisoners not only through them, but by what we believe in our own minds about ourselves. I know that at times in my abusive relationship, I felt like a trapped or caged animal. My brain constantly raced and alternated between trying to figure out how to be “perfect” to keep him from getting angry, to how I could escape, how would I survive, how could I get money to leave? The biggest fear was what he would do to me if he caught me? If he caught me trying to leave, I knew he’d kill me.  My thoughts were like a hummingbird, wings beating a million times a second, banging around in my head, swirling frantically, trying to find a way out. The answer was usually the same, it “made sense” to wait it out. Surely, I could love the anger and rage out of him, I just needed to do more, be “more” of what he wanted. But there is nothing: no amount of love, no better way to be, no other way to “do” things that will change the fact that an abuser is an abuser. They “get off” on causing us hurt and pain! They crush our souls, completely control us, then feed us just enough crumbs of love, attention, or affection to keep us hooked. The constant “whiplash” of these behaviors leaves us completely deflated, confused, feeling helpless, and hopeless. We live for and are desperate for the return of the person that we first fell in love with.  That person however, never really existed, that was the “hook” they used to get us under their complete control. That was the first lie we bought into, followed of course, by many others.

I’ve mentioned before that it took 5 times of leaving and going back before I stayed away for good. Every time I left; it was an act of complete desperation. I would decide I just couldn’t take it anymore and I would beg my parents to wire me money. My abuser was an extremely heavy daily drinker, so I would wait for him to pass out in bed at night. I could tell by his breathing that he was most likely out cold. Silently, I would grab my stuff out of the closet, and bedroom, terrified that he’d wake up. If he made a sound, or moved I instantly froze, my heart stopping. If he woke up and caught me, I would be dead, so I made peace with that in a strange way. There were times I was really physically injured, and this just made it harder to get my things together, and just move! I would make multiple trips out to load up my car. When I pulled out of the driveway as slowly and carefully as I could, it was gravel, I’d drive down the road slowly and quietly until the house was out of site. Then I’d hit the gas, flying, speeding away as fast as I could. My mind sort of started this “internal timer.” How far away, driving as fast as I could, would I get before he woke up and realized I was gone? I had to dive to a town in Maryland about 45 minutes away to pick up the money my parents had wired me. Several times, I’d get there long before the place was open, so I’d anxiously wait in the car, constantly scanning my surroundings, hoping he wouldn’t have found a way to follow me! When I was able to get the money, I’d drive as fast as I was able to, putting as many miles behind me as I could. Each state line I crossed, the more relieved I felt!

I’d get back to my parents’ house and tried to live some sort of a normal life for a while. With my toxic family, however, that wasn’t possible. I was still really young; and with all of the impacts of all of the traumas that I’d had, just had no clue who I was, what I wanted, needed, or deserved! So, my abuser would start calling the house. My parents would answer the phone, tell him off, or just hang up, but he was desperately persistent. Eventually, he’d get me on the phone, and he was that sweet person I had initially fallen in love with. I still loved him, I missed him, well I missed the person he pretended to be! He would apologize, over and over again for hurting me, saying he was “getting help” and that he wouldn’t do it again. He wrote me long, sweet letters (remember this was long before the days of cell phones and internet) which I loved getting. These things tugged on my heartstrings of course, this is exactly what he knew it would do. This behavior got me back 4 different times! So, I’d decide to go back, and for a while, things were great…. until they weren’t.  Every time I went back, the abuse intensified, and he made it even harder for me to leave. It was like a noose tightening a little more each time, strangling me slowly. When I finally left for good, he still called my parents house off and on for over a year before he finally stopped. He’d call after 11:00 PM, if the phone rang late like that, we knew it was him. It sent chills through me every time, I was still terrified of him.

The price that we end up paying for being in abusive relationships comes with a cost that is too damn high! That cost involves our entire being, body and soul. We end up sacrificing everything we are, everything we have, for someone else. We sacrifice all of the good things, the possibilities, the experiences, the opportunities we might have developed for ourselves. No relationship is ever worth giving up what makes you, YOU! No relationship should make us feel worthless, hopeless, or deprive us of our independence.  No relationship should be one sided: meaning we are giving everything and getting little to nothing in return! No relationship should EVER make us feel like our safety or even our lives, or that of our children’s is in jeopardy! No one has the right to tell us what we can and cannot do or control every aspect of our lives. We have at the very least, the most basic of human rights. In 1948, the United Nations created a document titled “Universal Declaration of Human Rights”  (I’ll link it in my show notes) and you can read it here.  We have the absolute right to live our lives in our own way, and to be treated with dignity, and respect. Every person has the right to live a life free from cruel, degrading, and inhumane treatment. We have the absolute right to live safely, happily, and as well as we can. I know it’s easier said than done however, and it takes seeing ourselves as deserving of all of those things! If we’ve had our spirits and souls broken, how do we begin the process of putting those pieces back together?

We begin by learning, which is what we’re doing together right now. When we learn what trauma has done to us, and how it has impacted us in every way: physically, mentally, emotionally, environmentally, spiritually, financially, socially, and in our relationships with others, we can give ourselves grace. We can begin to understand why we react, respond, and make choices the way we do, why we tend to “choose” the wrong people to be involved with. Remember, we “don’t know what we don’t know!” If we weren’t taught to love, respect, honor, and value ourselves, how would this affect our choices? If we weren’t taught to be self-confident, to be independent, how to create boundaries, or even what a good and healthy relationship looks like, how would we even know where to begin? The answer is, we don’t. But by learning and gaining knowledge , that leads to understanding and self-awareness. Understanding and self-awareness leads to us beginning to forgive ourselves for doing what we needed to do in order to survive. We can forgive ourselves for not knowing, for not realizing things we were never shown how to do, or ways to be. We learn to fill ourselves up from the inside out as opposed to the outside in. That grace, that space is what we have to give ourselves in order to move forward. We can give our lives some direction and take back some control for ourselves in our lives! It is a process, and it takes work, practice, and patience with ourselves. But we start with those tiny baby steps forward, understanding that there will be days we take a step or two back, and that’s okay. Healing the hurt will take as long as it takes, there is no timeline for healing. It’s not a switch you can flip or a “thing” you can just do or fix. You can’t just immediately change a lifetime of learned behaviors. We’ve learned to live with it, buried it deep, stuffed it all down so we could function every day. When I taught classes at a large domestic violence shelter several years ago, I used a visual to describe to my classes how I view my “stuffed down” trauma. I picture a closet like a coat closet, with the bottom part having a rod to hang coats on. It’s empty. Up above is a dark, very deep shelf that goes way back, farther than I can see. It’s up above my head, I’m short, so I can’t see how far back it goes. All of my traumas, I picture as large, white rectangular boxes done up with red ribbon, each with a big red bow on top. I’ve shoved all of my boxes up on that shelf, and pushed them back as far as I can, so I can’t see them. I’ve stored a lot up there! But every now and then, a box will fall off the shelf, and break open. It says “Here! Look at this! This is important, deal with me right now!” In the past, I’d just grab the box, put that lid back on, slide the ribbon over it and shove it right back up there, nope, not dealing with it! I have learned through my own healing to slowly grab one box at a time, and bring it down, open it, and process through what’s inside. One evening in the shelter after my class, I came upon one of the residents sitting in a chair, very upset and crying. There were several other residents with her trying to calm her. When I came up to her, and knelt down to see what was going on, she looked at me and said, “Oh Miss Kerri, all of my boxes fell down at once off my shelf and broke open!” We worked through the process together using that same visualization exercise of gathering up those boxes, looking at what was an immediate need to work through and putting the rest, back up in her closet shelf to be dealt with one at a time when she was ready. We’ll get there, one step, one box at a time together! Please remember If you are in an unsafe situation or in an abusive relationship, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 24/7 for help in leaving the relationship safely and other resources. If you are in a situation where you feel you are in immediate danger, please call 911!

So, this is where I like to close us out with a new exercise that we can add to that “mindfulness” toolbox we’re building together! Remember, you don’t have to do this now, or at all if you don’t want to, but you might just listen and tuck it away in your mind for future reference.

We’re going to do an exercise together to help us process some feelings or emotions that might have come up for us during our time together, or you can do this whenever you feel that these things come up for you. You can do this with your eyes open or closed, whatever feels safe and comfortable for you. If your eyes are open, you might just rest them gently on something, maybe something not too busy like a wall or a door.

We always start with our mindful belly breathing. Breathe slowly in through your nose, your belly naturally pushing out as you inhale, to a count of 5. Hold your breath for a count of 1. Then slowly exhale out of your mouth, your belly should naturally move in as you exhale, to a count of 5. Do this five times.

I’d like to invite you to focus inward, bring your awareness to your body. Is there an emotion or a feeling that is coming up for you? Does this feeling create any sensation in your body? If no emotions are coming up, try and identify what is going on in your body, a feeling, or any sensation? Continue letting your breath flow.

Whatever you feel, acknowledge that feeling, just listen and notice. Your breath is flowing slowly in and out.

Next, accept that these feelings or sensations are there, try not to struggle against them in this moment. Breathe into these sensations or feelings and allow the experience to be as it unfolds.

As you breathe, acknowledge that these feelings, emotions, or sensations are here for a valid and real reason. These feelings are perfectly understandable, even if you don’t know why you are feeling them. We don’t need to focus on the “why” or the reason. Our feelings are valid and real.

Breathe into the experience of these sensations. As you breathe, breathe into your sense of humanness, your compassion towards yourself, breathe in kindness, and love towards yourself.

Next, I would like you to imagine this compassion, this kindness, and self-love you are breathing in as a color. It can be any color you wish, as long as it feels safe and comforting to you. Is it a warmer color, like red, orange, or yellow? Is it a cooler color like blue or green? Any color you wish that feels safe, and comforting.

Next, I would like you to imagine yourself enveloped by this color. You could imagine it either throughout, or around you. Feel yourself embraced by this loving kindness color. It feels safe and loving. Continue letting your breath flow slowly in and out.

If you’d like, you could place your hand over a part of yourself that you feel needs some gentle loving energy, like your heart, or anywhere you’d like. Also, if you’d like, you could wrap your arms around yourself in a gentle hug. All the while feeling this loving color flowing through your body, wrapping you up safely, kindly.

You can stay this way for as long or as short a time as you wish, it’s up to you.

When you’re ready, slowly bring your awareness back to your breath, still slowly letting your breath flow in and out. If your eyes are closed, you can slowly open them. If they were open, bring your eyes back to something near you, let them gently refocus.

How do you feel? By acknowledging emotions, feelings or sensations that come up for us, and sitting gently with them while we envision love and kindness towards ourselves, we can understand that these are just things that we experience, they don’t have the true power over us that we give them.  We can acknowledge, and begin to learn to release them, let them float or drift away.

I hope these exercises are something you found helpful, and it’s more tools to add to our “mindful” toolbox that we’re building together. Whenever you need to go to that toolbox and pull out any skill we’ve learned in order to feel more grounded, safe, and connected, do it!! I have created a list of all of the techniques and exercises we’ve learned on my website invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com and will add to it as we go along. I’ve also put each exercise to beautiful video and music on my YouTube Channel Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma! Please subscribe if you like what you see and hear!

Thank you so much for taking the time to listen today, and please keep on listening! Wherever you listen, please like, subscribe, favorite, and follow me! What you think really matters to me too, so comment on the show, what you think, whatever’s on your mind. You can find me on Facebook at Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma, Twitter at Kerriwalker58, and my website invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com.

Look for my new episodes dropping every Monday on all of your favorite podcast, music, and listening apps! Please take extra good care of yourself, and we’ll talk soon!