Psychiatrist Explains the Science of Love

Love is a complex and chaotic experience that defies simple explanations or formulas. According to a recent Vox article, our preferences don't always predict attraction, and love can be a dysregulated state in the brain that inhibits useful circuitry and amplifies emotional responses. Scientists may continue to research love, but it may never be fully understood due to its chaotic nature. Additionally, the idea that love can be figured out through research is just one perspective. Another perspective is that love is naturally chaotic and may even be designed to encourage procreation by reducing our ability to consider risks and consequences. Ultimately, the best approach to love may be for partners to accept responsibility for each other and work together towards making changes, like a pickaxe team in a mine, rather than relying solely on individual preferences or formulas.

Healthy relationships often have red flags at their beginning. This observation was made by a psychiatrist based on his experience with various relationships, both healthy and unhealthy. He noticed that even in the strongest relationships, there was usually at least one issue that raised concerns early on. For instance, a patient of his married an older, unemployed partner when she was just 18 years old. While it seemed like a bad idea, they are now happily married and successful. The psychiatrist himself had a red flag in his relationship, as his wife was dating someone who intended to become a monk. Despite these initial concerns, these relationships eventually thrived. It's important to remember that red flags don't necessarily mean the end of a relationship, but rather an opportunity for growth and communication.

The success and happiness in a relationship depend on the efforts and flexibility of both partners, rather than being guaranteed by the nature of the relationship itself. This insight came from the speaker's exploration of arranged marriages in Indian culture, where happiness is not promised, and both parties must work towards building a harmonious and loving relationship. This principle can also be applied to relationships that start with red flags, where both parties must be committed to overcoming the challenges and working together to find happiness. In contrast, many people today believe that the other person is solely responsible for their relationship's happiness, leading to a loss of the cooperative spirit required for a successful partnership. Additionally, the speaker noted that many people use dating apps with the long-term goal of marriage and a lifelong commitment, but they often overlook the importance of personal effort and flexibility in achieving that goal.

Many people approach relationships with a mindset that happiness is something that can be found rather than built. They believe that if they can check off certain boxes or get specific things from their partner, they will be happy and the relationship will last. However, this selectivity can lead to a lack of investment in the relationship and personal growth. Instead, successful relationships often involve both partners working on themselves and being flexible when they don't get what they want. The Eastern religions, such as Hinduism and Buddhism, teach us that much of our unhappiness comes from within and that even when we get what we want, we may still feel unhappy. Therefore, it's essential to learn to find happiness in spite of not getting what we want, rather than constantly searching for it in a new partner. If someone is unwilling to be flexible and compromise, it can create a situation where the relationship is not able to grow and thrive.

Focusing too much on finding the perfect partner through external means like dating apps, rather than working on personal growth and flexibility within a relationship, can lead to a long cycle of unhappiness. Instead, successful relationships are built on the ability to compromise, be flexible, and prioritize each other's happiness. Research suggests that simply getting what you want in a relationship does not guarantee success. Instead, it's essential to consider one's own ability to adapt, let go of desires, and support a partner's growth. By focusing on these internal factors, individuals can foster healthier and more fulfilling relationships.

The success of a relationship depends not only on finding a partner who meets our expectations, but also on our own flexibility and willingness to be happy despite not getting everything we want. The more we focus on checking boxes and finding the "perfect" partner, the more we miss the importance of personal growth and prioritizing our partner's needs. It's important to remember that becoming a good partner is an ongoing process, and we don't have to have all the answers or meet every requirement to start a successful relationship. Instead, we should focus on being open to learning, growing, and prioritizing our partner's happiness alongside our own.

Relationships are about growing together, not expecting perfection from each other. It's natural to have flaws and imperfections, and it's important to acknowledge and work on them instead of seeking out a partner who meets an unrealistic checklist. The key is to commit to personal growth and supporting each other in the relationship. Additionally, getting back together with an ex should only be considered if both parties are dedicated to resolving past issues and working towards a healthier relationship. If one person is not ready or willing to put in the effort, it may not be a good idea to rekindle the relationship. Ultimately, relationships require equal effort and investment from both parties, and the focus should be on supporting each other's growth and shared experiences.

Focusing on personal growth and self-care is crucial in maintaining a healthy and balanced relationship. If one partner is unable to contribute their fair share, it can lead to dependency and unhealthy power dynamics. The pursuit of a "perfect" partner based on checklists can lead to disappointment and potential relationship failure. Instead, it's essential to build a relationship based on love, flexibility, and mutual growth. By prioritizing personal development and having the capacity to give, individuals can create successful and fulfilling relationships.

The quest for the perfect partner can lead to endless disappointment and unrealistic expectations in dating. Mel and Biscuit emphasized that there is no such thing as a perfect partner, but this doesn't mean that people won't continue to search for one. Instead, some individuals become increasingly selective and add criteria to their list of requirements, leading to a longer list of deal-breakers. This can result in a never-ending cycle of seeking perfection, which can prevent individuals from finding fulfilling relationships. The more failed relationships someone experiences, the more they may expect from others, creating a vicious cycle. It's essential to recognize that everyone has flaws and that the focus should be on finding compatibility and mutual respect rather than seeking an unattainable ideal.