Podcast Summary
The key to happiness is learning to enjoy life and relax around our desires: Focus on liking experiences and relaxing around wanting for a fulfilling life and stronger relationships
The real secret to happiness lies in learning how to authentically enjoy life (like) and relax around our desires and wants without being consumed by them. Clinical psychologist Dr. Rick Hansen, joining the conversation, emphasized the significance of this topic, stating that it's one of the most essential elements for a fulfilling life. He added that it's crucial to enjoy our experiences without getting overly attached or craving more, much like playing a game without becoming overly invested and losing sight of the enjoyment in the process. By focusing on liking and relaxing around wanting, we can approach various aspects of our lives, including relationships, with a greater sense of enjoyment and resilience.
Understanding the difference between healthy desire and driven wanting: To live a fulfilling life, embrace enjoyment without attachment, and recognize the distinction between healthy desire and driven wanting.
Enjoying the process and not being overly attached to the outcome is essential for a fulfilling life. People often face inhibitions in experiencing pleasure or getting caught up in defensive wanting driven by societal pressures. It's crucial to understand the difference between healthy desire and driven wanting and strive for contentment and equanimity. The discussion also touched upon the neurological and biological aspects of liking and wanting, which we will explore further. As a clinical psychologist, I've observed two common challenges people face: either they struggle to find things to enjoy in their lives or they have difficulty fully immersing themselves in enjoyable experiences due to distractions or preoccupations. It's essential to make distinctions between these concepts and learn to appreciate both the pleasure of the moment and the pursuit of long-term goals.
Balancing Intense Emotions and Joy: Find joy in life despite intense emotions, strive for passions with enthusiasm, reflect on true enjoyment, and balance effort and self-care to avoid burnout.
It's possible to experience strong emotions, such as grief or anger, while still finding joy and balance in life. This can be achieved by honoring our feelings while also enjoying simple pleasures and pursuing our passions with enthusiasm. However, it's important to strike a balance between intense effort and self-care to avoid burnout. Additionally, it's crucial to reflect on whether we truly enjoy the things we strive for and not just the fantasy of achieving them. Childhood experiences and societal norms can sometimes inhibit our ability to fully embrace pleasure and desire. Ultimately, finding a way to balance intense focus with joy and self-care is essential for long-term success and happiness.
Reclaiming Enthusiasm: Focusing on the Present Moment: Practicing mindfulness and embracing the sensory aspects of life can help us reclaim enthusiasm and increase overall enjoyment and motivation.
We often inhibit our ability to enjoy the present moment due to societal pressures and past experiences. Mindfulness practices, such as focusing on a single raisin and fully experiencing its sensations, can help us be more present and enjoy life's simple pleasures. Our society is both hyper-centralized and hyper-sexualized, yet we don't often take the time to fully enjoy the physical experiences of life. Past experiences, like feeling shamed for expressing enthusiasm, can also inhibit our ability to enjoy the present. To reclaim our enthusiasm, we can focus on getting out of our heads and into our bodies, recognizing that emotions and enjoyable experiences have both positive and negative aspects and can vary in intensity. By embracing the sensory aspects of life and allowing ourselves to fully experience them, we can increase our overall enjoyment and motivation.
Appreciating positive experiences: The brain seeks pleasure but life enjoyment isn't its primary goal. Fully enjoying experiences and letting go can lead to greater happiness.
Appreciating both subtle and intense positive experiences is essential for a fulfilling life. The brain is wired to seek out and crave more of what we like due to evolutionary survival instincts, but it's important to remember that enjoying life itself is not one of the brain's primary goals. Instead, it focuses on conserving energy, ensuring survival, and passing on genes. By allowing ourselves to fully enjoy experiences while letting go and not trying to hold on to them, we can make the most of both mild and intense positive moments. This balance can lead to greater overall happiness and satisfaction.
Learning to enjoy the present moment despite anxiety and stress: Shift towards self-respect and authenticity to enjoy work and find long-term health and happiness, despite external pressures and cravings.
Our constant state of anxiety and stress, often referred to as the "pink zone," makes it difficult to truly enjoy and appreciate the present moment. This perpetual state of worry is fueled by various external forces, including capitalism, and can lead to a strong desire for craving and drivenness. However, a breakthrough comes when we learn to care and not care at the same time, to find strength and determination without being hijacked by wanting or craving, and to focus on enjoying and appreciating the work we do in the moment, rather than fixating on external validation or results. This shift towards self-respect and authenticity can be challenging, but it is essential for long-term health and happiness.
Meeting your needs legitimately reduces craving: By addressing underlying needs, craving and wanting decrease, promoting sustainable health and well-being.
Taking care of your needs in real and sustainable ways can help reduce the desire to crave and want unnecessarily. According to the expert on the podcast, craving and wanting stem from perceived needs. By meeting your needs legitimately, there's less of an underlying engine for craving. The expert uses the example of nearly drowning and craving breath to illustrate this point. He emphasizes that this is an underestimated priority, especially for those who may feel their needs are not met despite having material comfort. Additionally, the podcast sponsor, OneSkin, offers simple scientifically validated solutions for keeping your skin healthy. Their proprietary OS one peptide is the first ingredient proven to work with aging cells that cause lines, wrinkles, and thinning skin. For those dealing with common challenges, the Doctor John DeLaney show offers practical advice and a direct format. The show covers topics related to relationships, anxieties, and emotional well-being, and provides real people with guidance on navigating tough situations. Overall, the podcast provides valuable resources for making smarter health choices and transforming your health, while the sponsor, OneSkin, offers a simple solution for maintaining healthy skin.
Understanding Needs vs Wants: Recognize essential needs, embrace autonomy, and distinguish liking from wanting for personal growth and happiness.
Understanding and managing our needs, particularly the distinction between essential needs and problematic wanting, is crucial for personal growth and happiness. Satisfying essential needs is the foundation for dealing effectively with unwanted wants. Our needs, including the need for relationships, are fundamental and should not be shamed. However, it's essential to recognize the difference between liking and wanting, as wanting can lead to contraction, pressure, and a sense of being dominated by our desires. Embracing autonomy and inner freedom is key to avoiding being controlled by our wants. The search for a slightly better experience can be a challenge, but recognizing and addressing it is an important step towards personal growth.
The Brain's Desire for Something Better: Our brains naturally seek something better, leading to dissatisfaction and frustration. Focusing on the present can help us find joy and contentment.
Our brains have a tendency to shift from enjoying the present moment to craving something slightly better or different, which can lead to frustration and discontent. This pattern can be a result of an underlying longing for various things, such as deep connection, purity, or a sense of fun that we feel isn't fully met. This process involves assessing and discernment, but it can also be driven by a sense of frustration and dissatisfaction. Understanding this pattern can help us recognize when we're falling into it and work on being more present and appreciative of the present moment. It's important to remember that our idealized versions of experiences can sometimes lead to disappointment when reality doesn't match up, and focusing on the present can help us find joy and contentment in the moment.
The Impact of Prediction Errors on Our Expectations and Feelings: Instead of focusing on the gap between our expectations and reality, try to unify with the present moment and find contentment within ourselves to reduce the impact of prediction errors.
Our brains often create idealized expectations for experiences, leading to disappointment when reality falls short. This phenomenon, known as a prediction error, can result in feelings of frustration and dissatisfaction. However, instead of focusing on the gap between our expectations and reality, we can try to unify with the experience we long for in the present moment. This means recognizing and accepting the imperfections of reality and finding contentment or love within ourselves, rather than relying on external factors to fulfill our desires. By doing so, we can reduce the impact of prediction errors and find peace and fulfillment in the present. This concept can be applied to various aspects of life, including unfulfilled longings for experiences, relationships, or even physical attributes. Ultimately, the key is to recognize and embrace the present moment and find contentment within ourselves, rather than constantly striving for an unattainable ideal.
Recognizing and honoring our deepest longings: By focusing on the present moment and the whole experience, we can learn to appreciate more and reduce attachment to cravings. Engage in activities that align with deepest longings for greater joy and satisfaction.
Recognizing and honoring our deepest longings, rather than avoiding them, can lead us towards greater fulfillment and unity with the present moment. This concept can be compared to flying a plane towards a safe landing, where keeping the plane centered in the 5 by 5 matrix on the instrument panel allows us to focus on the whole experience, rather than getting caught up in specific parts. By developing mindfulness skills to be present with all aspects of our experiences, we can learn to appreciate more of what is there and reduce our attachment to cravings. Practically speaking, this can involve mindfully observing our experiences, recognizing when we're getting caught up in cravings, and shifting our focus back to the present moment and the whole experience. Additionally, engaging in activities that align with our deepest longings can bring us greater joy and satisfaction.
Enhance daily experiences for increased happiness: Focus on simple pleasures, intensify them, and allow them to change for heightened sensory acuity, awareness, and happiness. Make time for personal enjoyment, even against societal norms, and expand focus beyond cravings to new perspectives.
Deliberately enhancing our daily experiences can lead to increased happiness and well-being. This can be achieved by focusing on simple pleasures and intentionally increasing their intensity, while allowing them to constantly change. By doing so, we not only improve our sensory acuity and awareness but also counteract the brain's natural tendency to hold on to pleasurable experiences. This practice can help us appreciate the good in our lives and make room for more enjoyment, even in the midst of busy schedules and routines. Remember, we have the power to intensify our experiences, and even subtle ones can bring great satisfaction. Additionally, being mindful of what we're crowding out and what we feel entitled to can help us make time for personal enjoyment, even if it goes against societal norms. When faced with cravings, try "going wide" by expanding your focus beyond the intense desire or pressure, and opening yourself up to new perspectives.
Expanding Perspective and Opening Up: Instead of craving and contracting, expand perspective, open up, be aware of external influences, maintain inner independence, and find enjoyment in everyday experiences.
Instead of getting stuck in craving and contraction, we should expand our perspective and open ourselves up to the many processes of reality. Craving involves pressure and contraction, so by releasing this sense of pressure, we can be more open and purposeful. It's important to be aware of external influences that may want us to crave or be contracted, and to maintain inner independence when dealing with loved ones who are caught up in their own cravings. The real secret to everyday happiness, despite imperfect circumstances, lies in getting better at liking and finding enjoyment in everyday experiences, as well as learning to relax wanting and letting go of the need for constant improvement or comparison.
Brain's Pleasure Priorities: Survival, Energy Conservation, and Gene Passing: Our brains prioritize survival, energy conservation, and gene passing over fully experiencing pleasure in the moment, leading to a focus on craving rather than enjoyment.
Our brains are wired to constantly seek new sources of pleasure and crave incentives, but these tendencies don't necessarily lead to fully enjoying experiences in the moment. The brain categorizes experiences as good, bad, or neutral to help us make choices for survival. While liking and wanting are related to pleasure, they have distinct brain mechanisms and neurotransmitters, such as dopamine. Research shows that dopamine is more associated with wanting than liking, which can explain why we can crave activities without fully enjoying them. The brain's priorities of survival, energy conservation, and gene passing can lead to a focus on craving rather than fully experiencing pleasure. Understanding these brain mechanisms can help us become more aware of our tendencies and make conscious choices to enjoy experiences more fully.
Understanding and managing cravings: Taking a broader perspective of experiences and recognizing their complexity, focusing on underlying needs, and understanding that complete freedom from cravings is unlikely can help reduce their intensity and increase overall satisfaction and well-being.
Our brains have an innate tendency to idealize experiences and create cravings for better versions of the present, leading to disappointment and a never-ending cycle of wanting more. This phenomenon, known as craving, is often fueled by societal pressures and can be challenging to overcome. However, Rick offered some practical advice: taking a broader perspective of our experiences and recognizing their full complexity, and focusing on satisfying our underlying needs in various ways. These strategies can help us appreciate the present moment and reduce the intensity of cravings. It's important to remember that complete freedom from craving is unlikely, but learning to understand and manage it can lead to greater overall satisfaction and well-being. If you'd like to explore this topic further, consider checking out the Being Well Podcast for more insightful conversations on living a fulfilling life.
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