The Sex, Porn & Love Addiction Podcast

Consider the exerts form this article written by a woman (Lauren Dubinsky - What I wish I'd Known Before Watching Porn, 2012):

"I wish that 10 years ago someone had educated me on pornography. What it is, what it does and what it reaches in and destroys in the hearts, minds and bodies of men and women.

I wish that someone would have told me that researchers have suggested it sabotages your sex life.

I wish someone would have explained how dopamine.... drives you to return to what provided that feeling.....

I wish someone would have told me that the kind of pornography you're most turned on by is usually linked to a corresponding hurtful event in your life, further injuring your brokenness.

I wish someone would have told me pornography would normalize things I wasn't emotionally or physically ready to handle......

I wish someone would have told me I would begin to objectify men, build up images in my mind and think of sex day in and day out.....

I wish someone would have told me it would make me feel less valuable to men and bring up insecurities for years in the bedroom.

I wish someone would have pointed out pornography can establish your sexuality completely apart from real-life relationships....

I wish someone would have explained what "sexual anorexia" was and that countless young men are unable to get erections because they've been watching porn since they were around 14 years old.

I wish someone would have told all the men I've dated that the porn they are watching is keeping them from being turned on by me....

I wish someone would have told me that the dopamine and oxytocin being released from my watching certain types of pornography would cause me to question my sexual orientation.....

I wish someone would have told me it would subtly create a "victim" mentality in my mind....

I wish someone had talked about how women watch it too....

My "I wish" list is nowhere near complete...."

Thought it would all look differently for females? Naaah! Not at all.
--------------

Presented by The Kairos Centre:  bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

Probably the world's first comprehensive Online webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction Recovery Programme, where you discover the real, authentic you; get to like you and positioned to become the best that you can be and on the journey, Recover and gain Sobriety from Sex, Porn, Love Addiction.

Bringing colour back to life - without shame.

Connect with me on Youtube: Gary McFarlane
https://www.kairos-centre.com/changement-on-demand/

https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre

Facebook: @Kairoscounseling

Twitter: @GaryMcFarlane

Linkedin: The Kairos Centre - Addiction Therapy

Website: kairos-centre.com

bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

https://www.buzzsprout.com/1117412

Porn-blockers: The best that a porn-blocker can be is that of being "a delay". They cannot truly block that which a person is determined to view. Delay can, however, get you through to another day of sobriety.

The Kairos Webinar Video-on-demand and its Webcam Recovery Programme is all about "The Couple Recovery". A partner should rightly say " ...and what about me."

Presented by The Kairos Centre:  bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

Probably the world's first comprehensive Online webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction Recovery Programme, where you discover the real, authentic you; get to like you and positioned to become the best that you can be and on the journey, Recover and gain Sobriety from Sex, Porn, Love Addiction.

Bringing colour back to life - without shame.

Connect with me on Youtube: Gary McFarlane
https://www.kairos-centre.com/changement-on-demand/

https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre

Facebook: @Kairoscounseling

Twitter: @GaryMcFarlane

Linkedin: The Kairos Centre - Addiction Therapy

Website: kairos-centre.com

bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

https://www.buzzsprout.com/1117412

One such action to take (amongst other Relapse Prevention Tools) is to write a "Goodbye Letter"  after achieving one year sobriety anniversary. Personify Sex, Porn, Love Addiction as a real person with whom you have been in a real affair. Your partner has not had you 100% to themselves and has shared you with this other person.

In the letter addressed to Mrs Sex, Porn, Love addiction, tell the behaviour about the good times that you had together; how it was a friend when you needed her comfort. It was such an important friend. Then tell the behaviour how it did not tell you the entire truth and withheld some of the facts from you; that you have now found out the full truth and continue to discover more.

Mention the betrayal; how it caused you to keeping returning for more; but how it was increasing your SHAME (which caused you to stay hidden); how it played on NARCISSISTIC tendencies (which you denied as being any part of you and belonged to others); the DETTACMENT/ATTACHMENT issues experienced by you in relationships with others; the heartaches and casualties you have experienced; how you have ended the relationship.

Say "Goodbye"......forever.

Contact The Kairos Centre for a model template letter.      

Presented by The Kairos Centre:  bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

Probably the world's first comprehensive Online webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction Recovery Programme, where you discover the real, authentic you; get to like you and positioned to become the best that you can be and on the journey, Recover and gain Sobriety from Sex, Porn, Love Addiction.

Bringing colour back to life - without shame.

Connect with me on Youtube: Gary McFarlane
https://www.kairos-centre.com/changement-on-demand/

https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre

Facebook: @Kairoscounseling

Twitter: @GaryMcFarlane

Linkedin: The Kairos Centre - Addiction Therapy

Website: kairos-centre.com

bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

https://www.buzzsprout.com/1117412

Remember the Stages of the Change process:

Pre-contemplation→Contemplation→Preparation→Action→Maintenance→Relapse

We are firmly at the Relapse stage, because you now have reached a minimum of one year of sobriety. It is all about what you need to be doing to ensure the rest of your life is sober. Here are some tools to facilitate that long term permanency of sobriety.

Look to your future. See it. Envision it. Dwell on it. Milk it. If you can see it, you can have it!

We are full circles back to basic CBT principles. Whatsoever you are habitually, regularly, repeatedly dwelling on, will eventually become your behaviour. You will gravitate toward that which is the cognitive process in your mind. Supplement that thinking with solid Relapse Prevention Tools. 

Presented by The Kairos Centre:  bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

Probably the world's first comprehensive Online webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction Recovery Programme, where you discover the real, authentic you; get to like you and positioned to become the best that you can be and on the journey, Recover and gain Sobriety from Sex, Porn, Love Addiction.

Bringing colour back to life - without shame.

Connect with me on Youtube: Gary McFarlane
https://www.kairos-centre.com/changement-on-demand/

https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre

Facebook: @Kairoscounseling

Twitter: @GaryMcFarlane

Linkedin: The Kairos Centre - Addiction Therapy

Website: kairos-centre.com

bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

https://www.buzzsprout.com/1117412

They are insidious, don't play by the rules and definitely don't play fair. We are talking about Cognitive Distortions. What are they?

They are your thinking, telling you untruths to enable you to justify acting out and therefore relapse. You stay on the cycle of sex addiction:

Cycle of Sex Addiction

Presented by The Kairos Centre:  bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

Probably the world's first comprehensive Online webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction Recovery Programme, where you discover the real, authentic you; get to like you and positioned to become the best that you can be and on the journey, Recover and gain Sobriety from Sex, Porn, Love Addiction.

Bringing colour back to life - without shame.

Connect with me on Youtube: Gary McFarlane
https://www.kairos-centre.com/changement-on-demand/

https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre

Facebook: @Kairoscounseling

Twitter: @GaryMcFarlane

Linkedin: The Kairos Centre - Addiction Therapy

Website: kairos-centre.com

bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

https://www.buzzsprout.com/1117412

CBT
Cognitive →Behaviour
Your thinking →Behaviour
Thinking  = Behaviour

Get it!

Whatsoever you are habitually, regularly, repeatedly, churning around, playing with, dwelling upon, reflecting upon, nurturing in your mind - will eventually (at some point) become the very thing that you will go on to act upon (to do).

If you can change your MIND, you can change your LIFE.
If you can change your thinking, you can literally change your whole life and its trajectory.
It is that stark.

That is you doing your own Therapy on yourself. You are doing CBT.
Add other skills to the mix, such as Mindfulness, Urge Surfing and such techniques and you have a winning and overcoming combination.

Presented by The Kairos Centre:  bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

Probably the world's first comprehensive Online webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction Recovery Programme, where you discover the real, authentic you; get to like you and positioned to become the best that you can be and on the journey, Recover and gain Sobriety from Sex, Porn, Love Addiction.

Bringing colour back to life - without shame.

Connect with me on Youtube: Gary McFarlane
https://www.kairos-centre.com/changement-on-demand/

https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre

Facebook: @Kairoscounseling

Twitter: @GaryMcFarlane

Linkedin: The Kairos Centre - Addiction Therapy

Website: kairos-centre.com

bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

https://www.buzzsprout.com/1117412

Managing your sobriety is about Risk Management. Risk Managing your Triggers. Just like many projects may include a discussion about possible risks, they go on to consider what to do if those risks manifest. So too, for you, where your aim is to achieve a lifetime of sobriety.

You want to keep those old neural pathways shut down and not reactivate or re-open them by constant merry-go-round relapses and sometimes, binges. It begins with "Identifying" and "knowing" your Triggers. Anticipate them and have a plan of action for addressing them.

Carolyn Spring's articles are so good and helpful. They come to you from a whole different field of Triggers, outside of the foreseeable Sex, Porn, Love addiction patterns. You can learn from her, about the underlying "sameness" of Triggers and action you can take, no matter what may be the underlying recovery area in your life. Take a look at her links:

Managing Triggers: Part one - Why Triggers are nothing to be ashamed of
https://www.carolynspring.com/blog/managing-triggers-part-one-why-triggers-are-nothing-to-be-ashamed-of/
and also:  https://www.pods-online.org.uk

Presented by The Kairos Centre:  bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

Probably the world's first comprehensive Online webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction Recovery Programme, where you discover the real, authentic you; get to like you and positioned to become the best that you can be and on the journey, Recover and gain Sobriety from Sex, Porn, Love Addiction.

Bringing colour back to life - without shame.

Connect with me on Youtube: Gary McFarlane
https://www.kairos-centre.com/changement-on-demand/

https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre

Facebook: @Kairoscounseling

Twitter: @GaryMcFarlane

Linkedin: The Kairos Centre - Addiction Therapy

Website: kairos-centre.com

bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

https://www.buzzsprout.com/1117412

Understand brain structure and name the various parts and their role in Sex, Porn, Love Addiction. How does the brain respond to "Trauma"? Understand how addiction hijacks the brain and therefore why I do brain surgery on each of my clients. I cut off the top of their skull, remove their brain and put it on the chair beside them! I talk with the client and separately to their brain.

The brain is not their best friend. It is not going to working with them to achieve sobriety and is going to sabotage. There is a need to build into the Recovery  programme "Treats & Rewards" to entice the brain to work with them over time.

Presented by The Kairos Centre:  bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

Probably the world's first comprehensive Online webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction Recovery Programme, where you discover the real, authentic you; get to like you and positioned to become the best that you can be and on the journey, Recover and gain Sobriety from Sex, Porn, Love Addiction.

Bringing colour back to life - without shame.

Connect with me on Youtube: Gary McFarlane
https://www.kairos-centre.com/changement-on-demand/

https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre

Facebook: @Kairoscounseling

Twitter: @GaryMcFarlane

Linkedin: The Kairos Centre - Addiction Therapy

Website: kairos-centre.com

bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

https://www.buzzsprout.com/1117412

Secure Attachment defined. Then we take a look at the three Insecure Attachment Styles. Are you Avoidant, Ambivalent/Anxious or Fearful Avoidant. Childhood development holds the clues to their setting up.

Know your Attachment Style and affect your behaviour patterns in relationships with others, into your future - with help from The Kairos Centre.

Presented by The Kairos Centre:  bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

Probably the world's first comprehensive Online webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction Recovery Programme, where you discover the real, authentic you; get to like you and positioned to become the best that you can be and on the journey, Recover and gain Sobriety from Sex, Porn, Love Addiction.

Bringing colour back to life - without shame.

Connect with me on Youtube: Gary McFarlane
https://www.kairos-centre.com/changement-on-demand/

https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre

Facebook: @Kairoscounseling

Twitter: @GaryMcFarlane

Linkedin: The Kairos Centre - Addiction Therapy

Website: kairos-centre.com

bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

https://www.buzzsprout.com/1117412

The past holds the clues to why we do what we do, which affects our present and shapes our future. Get back control and influence by better understanding you. There are not many shaping influences from childhood as significant as "Attachment Styles".

Do you have Secure Attachment in how you do relationships and interact with others or is it Insecure Attachment; if Insecure Attachment, which of the three styles best describes you?

In all your getting, get understanding. Move stuff from the unconscious to the conscious, then you get a chance to influence patterns of behaviours and change.

Presented by The Kairos Centre:  bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

Probably the world's first comprehensive Online webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction Recovery Programme, where you discover the real, authentic you; get to like you and positioned to become the best that you can be and on the journey, Recover and gain Sobriety from Sex, Porn, Love Addiction.

Bringing colour back to life - without shame.

Connect with me on Youtube: Gary McFarlane
https://www.kairos-centre.com/changement-on-demand/

https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre

Facebook: @Kairoscounseling

Twitter: @GaryMcFarlane

Linkedin: The Kairos Centre - Addiction Therapy

Website: kairos-centre.com

bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

https://www.buzzsprout.com/1117412

Identify the types of triggers at work and therefore the Feeling-State the person wants to escape? What is the preferred Feeling-State being sought? Know yours. Better understand you. Then you are better prepared for the "fight back", with tried and tested tools - that work - provided by The Kairos Centre.

Additionally, people bounce back from tragedy, trauma, crisis, and stress by having certain “protective” conditions in their lives. Do you have the full complement of bounce-back conditions, tools and strengths that holistically equips you to be Resilient? Learn about those Resiliency builders.

Presented by The Kairos Centre:  bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

Probably the world's first comprehensive Online webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction Recovery Programme, where you discover the real, authentic you; get to like you and positioned to become the best that you can be and on the journey, Recover and gain Sobriety from Sex, Porn, Love Addiction.

Bringing colour back to life - without shame.

Connect with me on Youtube: Gary McFarlane
https://www.kairos-centre.com/changement-on-demand/

https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre

Facebook: @Kairoscounseling

Twitter: @GaryMcFarlane

Linkedin: The Kairos Centre - Addiction Therapy

Website: kairos-centre.com

bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

https://www.buzzsprout.com/1117412

Our "Values", go to the core and foundations of how we prefer to do life. In most every day situations, we would not contemplate undermining our Values. Yet, how is it that when Sex, Porn & Love Addiction behaviours beckon, so quickly our Values face compromise and are even trashed?

Presented by The Kairos Centre:  bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

Probably the world's first comprehensive Online webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction Recovery Programme, where you discover the real, authentic you; get to like you and positioned to become the best that you can be and on the journey, Recover and gain Sobriety from Sex, Porn, Love Addiction.

Bringing colour back to life - without shame.

Connect with me on Youtube: Gary McFarlane
https://www.kairos-centre.com/changement-on-demand/

https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre

Facebook: @Kairoscounseling

Twitter: @GaryMcFarlane

Linkedin: The Kairos Centre - Addiction Therapy

Website: kairos-centre.com

bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

https://www.buzzsprout.com/1117412

Identify and know your Top 3 Core Emotional Needs and be better able to understand your patterns of behaviours. What are your Core Emotional Needs? What happens if they are depleted? What are the consequences? How will they manifest in your life? What do they have to do with fight, flight and/or freeze response. Better understand you and how they manifest in "Acting out" behaviours.

Presented by The Kairos Centre:  bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

Probably the world's first comprehensive Online webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction Recovery Programme, where you discover the real, authentic you; get to like you and positioned to become the best that you can be and on the journey, Recover and gain Sobriety from Sex, Porn, Love Addiction.

Bringing colour back to life - without shame.

Connect with me on Youtube: Gary McFarlane
https://www.kairos-centre.com/changement-on-demand/

https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre

Facebook: @Kairoscounseling

Twitter: @GaryMcFarlane

Linkedin: The Kairos Centre - Addiction Therapy

Website: kairos-centre.com

bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

https://www.buzzsprout.com/1117412

Shame is a massive issue. Start to know it, understand it, see it and call it out. Begin the journey of underderming it, disempowering it and in so doing, loosening its grip and hold over your life.

You can change only what you can see. What you cannot see or understand, you have no hope of affecting or changing and it continues to work away in the unseen (in the unconscious).

Come out of "hiding", but only to the "right people" so they don't increase your sense of shame.

Presented by The Kairos Centre:  bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

Probably the world's first comprehensive Online webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction Recovery Programme, where you discover the real, authentic you; get to like you and positioned to become the best that you can be and on the journey, Recover and gain Sobriety from Sex, Porn, Love Addiction.

Bringing colour back to life - without shame.

Connect with me on Youtube: Gary McFarlane
https://www.kairos-centre.com/changement-on-demand/

https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre

Facebook: @Kairoscounseling

Twitter: @GaryMcFarlane

Linkedin: The Kairos Centre - Addiction Therapy

Website: kairos-centre.com

bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

https://www.buzzsprout.com/1117412

Those with Sex, Porn, Love addiction tend to have a reduced ability to delay gratification; yet are disciplined in other areas of life.

Secrets held back from a partner: Do you share? Will it break the back of the relationship? Yet trust goes to the foundation of any progressive relationship.

Presented by The Kairos Centre:  bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

Probably the world's first comprehensive Online webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction Recovery Programme, where you discover the real, authentic you; get to like you and positioned to become the best that you can be and on the journey, Recover and gain Sobriety from Sex, Porn, Love Addiction.

Bringing colour back to life - without shame.

Connect with me on Youtube: Gary McFarlane
https://www.kairos-centre.com/changement-on-demand/

https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre

Facebook: @Kairoscounseling

Twitter: @GaryMcFarlane

Linkedin: The Kairos Centre - Addiction Therapy

Website: kairos-centre.com

bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

https://www.buzzsprout.com/1117412

EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation Reprocessing) tools have a whole heap of resources for helping to manage emotions, bring down stress, anxiety, tension, upset, pressure and bring back homeostasis - without using negative past coping and self-soothing "Acting OUT" activities that your brain got use to gravitating to as its "go-to".

Presented by The Kairos Centre:  bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

Probably the world's first comprehensive Online webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction Recovery Programme, where you discover the real, authentic you; get to like you and positioned to become the best that you can be and on the journey, Recover and gain Sobriety from Sex, Porn, Love Addiction.

Bringing colour back to life - without shame.

Connect with me on Youtube: Gary McFarlane
https://www.kairos-centre.com/changement-on-demand/

https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre

Facebook: @Kairoscounseling

Twitter: @GaryMcFarlane

Linkedin: The Kairos Centre - Addiction Therapy

Website: kairos-centre.com

bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

https://www.buzzsprout.com/1117412

The 3 Circles Exercise helps you define your sobriety. (A different exercise to that similarly so called in 12 steps groups). You decide what your sex life will look like for the duration of the Recovery Programme.

What sexual activities are "OK", "NOT OK" and which are "IFFY". Relapse often occurs where your brain negotiates with you that certain "IFFY" behaviours are "OK", when really they are "NOT OK".

Presented by The Kairos Centre:  bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

Probably the world's first comprehensive Online webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction Recovery Programme, where you discover the real, authentic you; get to like you and positioned to become the best that you can be and on the journey, Recover and gain Sobriety from Sex, Porn, Love Addiction.

Bringing colour back to life - without shame.

Connect with me on Youtube: Gary McFarlane
https://www.kairos-centre.com/changement-on-demand/

https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre

Facebook: @Kairoscounseling

Twitter: @GaryMcFarlane

Linkedin: The Kairos Centre - Addiction Therapy

Website: kairos-centre.com

bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

https://www.buzzsprout.com/1117412

Don't be an island & do Recovery on your own. 12 Steps groups like SA, SAA, SLAA, Celebrate Recovery, X3 Watch Groups are "co-therapy" type supports, that supplement your recovery.

Get rid of inhibitions and Hollywood movie misconceptions. Shame will be challenging you, but you will use a different reasoning to justify why you don't attend.

Presented by The Kairos Centre: https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre
Probably the world's first comprehensive Online webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction Recovery Programme, where you discover the real, authentic you; get to like you and positioned to become the best that you can be and on the journey, Recover and gain Sobriety from Sex, Porn, Love Addiction.

Bringing colour back to life - without shame.

Connect with me on Youtube: Gary McFarlane
Facebook: @Kiaroscounseling
Twitter:@GaryMcFarlane
Linkedin:The Kairos Centre - Addiction Therapy
Website: https://www.kairos-centre.com

Your triggers don't just come out of nowhere. Take back control of your eyes, your thinking & fantasy, which is undisciplined and you gave free rein to, years earlier.

If you can change your thinking, you can change your life. Use R.A.I.D to help you. Small incremental steps lead to the good outcomes that you desire.

Presented by The Kairos Centre: https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre
Probably the world's first comprehensive Online webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction Recovery Programme, where you discover the real, authentic you; get to like you and positioned to become the best that you can be and on the journey, Recover and gain Sobriety from Sex, Porn, Love Addiction.

Bringing colour back to life - without shame.

Connect with me on Youtube: Gary McFarlane
Facebook: @Kiaroscounseling
Twitter:@GaryMcFarlane
Linkedin:The Kairos Centre - Addiction Therapy
Website: https://www.kairos-centre.com

Begin at the beginning. Many people experience some type of wounding during early development and learn to manage their emotions, but sometimes it gets the better of them. Sex addiction is not about sex. Sex is a symptom of an underlying problem. Sex is not the problem. It is a symptom and an outlet. We do not see with our eyes. We see with our brain. Want to know more; to better understand?

Get your calendar ready for the countdown; Porn-blocker is no more than an attempt at delay, but still essential; Accountability partner - the right person - with teeth! Reward & Treats - essential. Support for a partner: "What about me?" is rightly voiced - loudly.

Presented by The Kairos Centre: https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre
Probably the world's first comprehensive Online webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction Recovery Programme, where you discover the real, authentic you; get to like you and positioned to become the best that you can be and on the journey, Recover and gain Sobriety from Sex, Porn, Love Addiction.

Bringing colour back to life - without shame.

Connect with me on Youtube: Gary McFarlane
Facebook: @Kiaroscounseling
Twitter:@GaryMcFarlane
Linkedin:The Kairos Centre - Addiction Therapy
Website: https://www.kairos-centre.com