caregiver life

She asked me the question that made me perk up in my chair and grateful that someone is finally asking me this question.  It is something that triggers me, gets me emotional and it’s not my best moment.

Last week, I was interviewed for an upcoming event called MidLife Women Series regarding caregiving, stress, burnout and ways to work through it.   The format was facilitated by Sheree Clark, Midlife Courage Coach.    Wanna know what the question is?  

What advice do you have for a friend of a caregiver?   

Simple question but I have tons of baggage with that question.  What about you?

In this episode, we're talking about why friendships change as a caregiver and how you can sustain and keep relationships that you really need.
 
Get the full show notes at https://www.cathylvan.com/episode155

Get my free resource:  17 SHIFTS TO TAKE CONTROL OF CAREGIVER STRESS that will take you to the best version of yourself.

Thank you for listening. If you know of another caregiver who could benefit from this podcast, please copy and share this episode.

Follow me by clicking on the links below:

• ➡️ Get my free resource: 17 SHIFTS TO RECUDE CAREGIVER STRESS & SAY GOOD-BYE TO CAREGIVER BURNOUT
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• CONNECT WITH CATHY ON INSTAGRAM @cathylynnvan for daily tips and inspiration

I was really debating how to start this podcast this week.  Meaning should I do the cautious and gentle start or should I just come out and say it.   Well since I care so deeply for you and i know you need to hear this, I am not going to sugar coat it.   You may disagree with me and that’s ok.  Our roles of caregiving are very different and our situations are very different.  But what is the same is that we control our mindset and we can choose how we think and feel.  

So, here it is:   Many people say, I am just going to survive and it’s all about survival during this caregiving season.    I disagree.   It’s not like you are on a little boat in the middle of the ocean with sharks around you.  It’s not like you’re stuck in a blizzard in your car and buried.  

I know these are extreme examples.    But I hope you get it.   

Your loved one may be in an extreme situation and trying to make it one more day.  But YOU can make micro changes and shifts to help yourself.  

But in your defense and mine as well, we may not be able to see that.  It may be so hard, so dark, so intense, that we say things like - I can’t, there is no other choice, I’m stuck, this is my life or it is what it is.   

Grab the show notes and full episode transcript here.
 ➡️ https://www.cathylvan.com/episode114

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Get my free resource:  17 SHIFTS TO TAKE CONTROL OF CAREGIVER STRESS that will take you to the best version of yourself.

Thank you for listening. If you know of another caregiver who could benefit from this podcast, please copy and share this episode.

Follow me by clicking on the links below:

• ➡️ Get my free resource: 17 SHIFTS TO RECUDE CAREGIVER STRESS & SAY GOOD-BYE TO CAREGIVER BURNOUT
• If you're interested in 1:1 Coaching ➡️ schedule a 30 minute FREE chat
• CONNECT WITH CATHY ON INSTAGRAM @cathylynnvan for daily tips and inspiration

One of the biggest regrets,  I see caregivers make is declining time with a friend.  Your friend calls or texts you and wants to get together.  You want to get out and you're yearning for someone else but you say no.

You feel guilty, sad, frustrated, and/or angry that you can’t go.  

Top reasons why caregivers decline:  

1.  You don’t have any time.   
2. You're embarrassed about how you let yourself go.   
3. You can’t leave due to quarantining order for your loved one.  
4. You can’t afford it.
5. You are depressed.    

Prior to caregiving your friendships meant so much to you and now, it’s a thing of the past.  Don’t you miss those fun girl chats, laughs and deep conversations.  Or maybe you miss getting out and shopping or going to a movie and making new memories.    You most likely are grieving your friends.  

Reality is that you can’t go back to the way it was. Life has changed but what if you could find a way to enjoy your friend again.  Spend some time together without it causes extra stress or upsetting your caregiving.  

Can you really afford to take time away.  Is that really going to help you?   Is this really what you want and need right now?  

I see most caregivers want to live their life with friendships while caring for their loved one.  It requires them to prioritize the activities in their life while still going through the process   

Can you continue to stay isolated and carry all of this alone and never fuel your soul by meeting up with your friend.   

The real question is, if you continue to say no, what are the impacts?   

Tips to become start socially interacting again:  

• Being aware
• Look for things to do that are free
• Do something inside your home.
• Be open to kindness of your friends.   
• Talk with your loved one.
• Simplify your social life right.  
• Don’t hold yourself to high expectations.   

You don’t have to feel lonely.   You don’t have to sacrifice friendships.  You deserve breaks.  You deserve to have some fun without guilt.  You deserve to laugh.

I hope you think about connecting with your friend this week.   Talk to him/her and say I want to try this again.  I know I have turned you down many times but I’m trying to figure this caregiver life or this new normal out.   Explain to them that caregiving and my other responsibilities take up almost all my time, but I want to continue our friendship.   We may have to do things differently for awhile and I hope you are ok with it.   

Then share your needs, limitations and wants.    You’ll be amazed and maybe even surprised how your friendship may flourish, as well as your health and well-being.    

This caregiving journey isn’t easy but when you focus on focus on fill your cup with small bits each day, you can find those moments of joy.   

DM and tell me if you reached out to your friend or be

Get my free resource:  17 SHIFTS TO TAKE CONTROL OF CAREGIVER STRESS that will take you to the best version of yourself.

Thank you for listening. If you know of another caregiver who could benefit from this podcast, please copy and share this episode.

Follow me by clicking on the links below:

• ➡️ Get my free resource: 17 SHIFTS TO RECUDE CAREGIVER STRESS & SAY GOOD-BYE TO CAREGIVER BURNOUT
• If you're interested in 1:1 Coaching ➡️ schedule a 30 minute FREE chat
• CONNECT WITH CATHY ON INSTAGRAM @cathylynnvan for daily tips and inspiration

 In today’s episode I want to share a recording of a Live session I did with The Caregiver Cup Community.   I shared an article I found in caregiver.com by Mary Damiano 

As you listen to this episode today, I want you to think about two things

1. What can you do to put yourself first - carving out just 30 minutes each day can make huge changes in your energy.  
2. What motivates you?  Not everyone is a runner.  Not everyone is a morning morning.  You need to find what works best for you to recharge.  So be open and listen to all the tips but then personalize it to your values and your current situation right now.  

Recharging your batteries is one of the most important ways to help your loved one.

R: Rest. One of the most important things a caregiver can do for the person they’re caring for is to take care of themselves. A caregiver who wears himself out, and keeps going 24/7 risks burnout.

E: Eat right. Take a cue from your loved one’s diet and take the opportunity to eat healthy things as well. Maybe you don’t have to adhere to such a strict diet, but eating right certainly never hurts.

C: Communicate your needs to others. Don’t expect anyone, even other family members to read your mind about what you need or what your loved one needs. Let people around you know the things that need to be done and that occasionally; even you could use a hand.

H: Hydrate. Drink lots of water. Water hydrates your body and keeps you energized. Take vitamins if you don’t get enough nutrition from your food.

A: Accept help. This can be the hardest thing for the caregiver to do, but it’s one of the best things a caregiver can do for their loved one and for themselves. When people offer to help, often caregivers turn them down because they don’t want to burden them or because they can’t think of something off the top of their heads. Get over the notion that the only way to get it done is to do it yourself. When you have a few moments, really think about the kinds of things that will make life a little easier. Then when people ask how they can help, you’ll be ready. When you tell someone something very specific, they’re more comfortable doing it, and you’ll get the help you need. Helping makes people feel good about themselves. Don’t deprive anyone of that joy.

R: Respite. Caregivers should make a point of getting away sometimes, to take a mini-respite for themselves. A movie, lunch somewhere, window shopping or just walking along the beach or through a park can be enough to get some distance, and come back with a fresh perspective on things.

G: Get enough sleep. This is often the hardest one to manage because you’re on someone else’s schedule. But sleep is one of the best things we can do for ourselves. Eight hours are ideal, but the concept of getting eight uninterrupted hours of sleep might be impossible. Try breaking sleep up. Get what you can in one shot, but take a nap during the

Get my free resource:  17 SHIFTS TO TAKE CONTROL OF CAREGIVER STRESS that will take you to the best version of yourself.

Thank you for listening. If you know of another caregiver who could benefit from this podcast, please copy and share this episode.

Follow me by clicking on the links below:

• ➡️ Get my free resource: 17 SHIFTS TO RECUDE CAREGIVER STRESS & SAY GOOD-BYE TO CAREGIVER BURNOUT
• If you're interested in 1:1 Coaching ➡️ schedule a 30 minute FREE chat
• CONNECT WITH CATHY ON INSTAGRAM @cathylynnvan for daily tips and inspiration

I'm now 4 years into my caregiving journey.  As I look back I see 4 stages I went through and want to share these with you:  

Stage 1: THE NEW STAGE.  

• The initial news fills you with shock, disbelief and all those emotions
• Then you jump in telling yourself I’ll do whatever it takes. I’ll figure it out
• Here’s where I became obsessed with google - searching anything and everything about your loved one’s condition.  
• You form your team - doctors, nurse navigators, family support, etc
• You try to figure out the who advocacy stuff 
• You're taking care of your loved one
• This stage is focused on the NOW, the NEW and just figuring it out.  
• You just want to get going on your loved one’s care
• You are putting your needs to the side

Stage 2:  ROUTINE OR SETTLING IN STAGE.   

• Things have now become routine somewhat
• You're trying to figure out how to balance work, home, caregiving
• Workload and to do list is bigger
• Fatigue is usually setting in
• Stress is increasing
• You start feeling stretched
• You may find yourself doing things alone
• You and your loved one are more comfortable with your team (doctors, nurses, help)
• You and your loved one are more comfortable with the clinic, labs, treatments, etc
• You become more of an expert with your loved one’s condition
• You're more comfortable with caregiving
• There are good days and bad days
• Your nutrition and self-care looks different

Stage 3:  AWARENESS AND REALITY or as I call it the LIGHT BULB GOES ON

• Caregiving is taking its toll on your health both physically and mentally
• It affects your relationships
• You may be struggling with finances
• You may not see it or may not want to admit it yet - you may want to run from it.
• You realize you can’t do it all and shouldn’t have taken this all on yourself
• You hope it will go away
• Caregiving becomes a burden
• Wishing for your old life
• Realizing that you're stuck, stretched and overwhelmed and don’t know how to get out.  

But then something happens in this difficult stage - you begin to see reality

Stage 4:  FIGURE OUT STAGE 

• You start shifting.   
• You can see what is causing overwhelm, stress, stretched and stuck
• Seeing everything is KEY to moving forward and getting to a better caregiver life.  
• You start asking for help
• You start putting yourself first
• You're open to trying new habits and routines
• You can learn ways to release overwhelm
• You find purpose
• You start pursing your passions WHILE caregiving w/o guilt
• Personal growth and courage happens
• You may have to make hard decisions

Caregiving is a journey.  Being a caregiver is an on-the-job training like no other.  

Get my free resource:  17 SHIFTS TO TAKE CONTROL OF CAREGIVER STRESS that will take you to the best version of yourself.

Thank you for listening. If you know of another caregiver who could benefit from this podcast, please copy and share this episode.

Follow me by clicking on the links below:

• ➡️ Get my free resource: 17 SHIFTS TO RECUDE CAREGIVER STRESS & SAY GOOD-BYE TO CAREGIVER BURNOUT
• If you're interested in 1:1 Coaching ➡️ schedule a 30 minute FREE chat
• CONNECT WITH CATHY ON INSTAGRAM @cathylynnvan for daily tips and inspiration

When something's bothering you, you know that getting your mind off of it is easier said than done.   In fact, research shows that when people are instructed not to think about a specific topic, it makes it even harder to get that topic out of their minds. But rehashing negative thoughts over and over in your head, also known as rumination, can be unpleasant and counterproductive

Negative thinking can contribute to problems such as anxiety, depression, stress, and low self-esteem. The key to changing your negative thoughts is to understand how you think now

One of the first steps toward changing your negative thinking patterns is understanding exactly how you think. This involves identifying any cognitive distortions you may be experiencing, which can lead to negative thoughts.  Meaning the  (faulty or unhelpful ways of thinking) 

 Negative thinking patterns:

• Jumping to conclusions: 
• Catastrophizing
• Overgeneralization
• Labeling
• "Should" statements
• Emotional reasoning
• Personalization and blame

When negative thoughts and rumination sets in, there are ways to overcome or reduce them.

1. Pause, Stop and Shift
2. Keep Positive Company
3. Physically Throw Them Away
4. Explore Calming Techniques
5. Reframe Your Situation

Most of us spend a lot of time inside our own mind — worrying about the future, replaying events in the past, and generally focusing on the parts of our caregiver life that leave us dissatisfied. While common, negative or unwanted thoughts can prevent you from finding joy in the small things, distract you from focusing on what's important, and drain your energy. They can also make you feel anxious, stressed  and depressed.

The good news is that with dedicated practice, you can replace negative thinking patterns with thoughts that actually help. This can make a huge difference in your day-to-day happiness and comfort.

Find out your caregiver style by taking the Caregiver Cup Quiz.  This quiz will take less than 3 minutes but will give you tons and tons of valuable insights into your caregiver style, your behaviors, your tendencies and how your style impacts your caregiving and most importantly you and your well-being.

Join the Caregiver Cup Community.  This private Facebook group will provide you with a community of positive support where you can find tips, motivation and free training each Wednesday.  

Get my free resource:  17 SHIFTS TO TAKE CONTROL OF CAREGIVER STRESS that will take you to the best version of yourself.

Thank you for listening. If you know of another caregiver who could benefit from this podcast, please copy and share this episode.

Follow me by clicking on the links below:

• ➡️ Get my free resource: 17 SHIFTS TO RECUDE CAREGIVER STRESS & SAY GOOD-BYE TO CAREGIVER BURNOUT
• If you're interested in 1:1 Coaching ➡️ schedule a 30 minute FREE chat
• CONNECT WITH CATHY ON INSTAGRAM @cathylynnvan for daily tips and inspiration

Sharing some conversations about my past and how our past experiences and stories help us be a better caregiver.   What are your stories and experiences that you are glad that you have now?  

Message me on Instagram @cathylynnvan or email me at cathy@cathylvan.com

Get my free resource:  17 SHIFTS TO TAKE CONTROL OF CAREGIVER STRESS that will take you to the best version of yourself.

Thank you for listening. If you know of another caregiver who could benefit from this podcast, please copy and share this episode.

Follow me by clicking on the links below:

• ➡️ Get my free resource: 17 SHIFTS TO RECUDE CAREGIVER STRESS & SAY GOOD-BYE TO CAREGIVER BURNOUT
• If you're interested in 1:1 Coaching ➡️ schedule a 30 minute FREE chat
• CONNECT WITH CATHY ON INSTAGRAM @cathylynnvan for daily tips and inspiration

This past week brought lots of news from the girls gymnastics team with Simone Biles pulling herself out of the group and individual round competition due to mental illness.  

This news story got me thinking about how this story relates to being a caregiver.  NY Times Article - Published July 27, 2021Updated July 30, 2021, 7:50 p.m. ET

 When she twisted fewer times than she had planned in the vault, she knew she was not herself, having lost her usually uncanny sense of where her body is in the air and failing to complete the kind of daring skill she is known for.

Biles, the most decorated gymnast in the world, walked off the mat and left the competition, saying she was not mentally prepared to continue. 

“At the end of the day, we’re human, too, so we have to protect our mind and our body rather than just go out there and do what the world wants us to do,” she said. “With the year that it’s been, I’m really not surprised how it played out.”

Think about how much practice and dedication it takes for gymnastics competition.    As caregivers, we dedicate our time and energy by managing the household, finances, working our job or business plus doing all the caregiving tasks.

Athletes  practice multiple times a day plus practice proper nutrition and sleep. 

What about you?   If you go back to episode 42 and  episode 28, I share my morning routines and the benefits of having a morning mindset.   Getting up early isn’t easy but it pays huge dividends when it comes to your health.   You can’t be at your best if you don’t pay attention to your nutrition, hydration, sleep and exercising your mind and body.  

I think about what these athletes have to  give up.    

Instead of focusing on what you give up.  Think about it as delaying your time.  Simone’s Mom told her your dreams are just delayed when she didn’t make the USA team to go to the London Olympics.  You can still have the dream.  You may have to slow down, but it can still happen.  

As much controversy and negative feedback Simone is getting, I personally am glad that mental illness is being talked about.   

When’s the last time you told yourself 

• I just can’t focus
• I just can’t function today
• I am in a fog
• I just can’t work today or I can’t caregive today

These are all signs of caregiver burnout or compassion fatigue.     Get this free resource:  caregiver stress.

It's important to take a break.    If you're in the hospice stage, it may be a nap, a walk or a drive for an hour.  If your loved one is dealing with a chronic illness, it’s a long haul and you NEED to take respite care for yourself.  In Episode 40 is more details of respite care.

Ask for help.  It’s important to do what Simone did and say no, I can’t do it.  Your health and mental well-being are the most important.  

My action step for you is to reflect on your health and well-being.    On a scale of 1-10.

Thank you for listening. If you know of another caregiver who could benefit from this podcast, please copy and share this episode.

Follow me by clicking on the links below:

• ➡️ Get my free resource: 17 SHIFTS TO RECUDE CAREGIVER STRESS & SAY GOOD-BYE TO CAREGIVER BURNOUT
• If you're interested in 1:1 Coaching ➡️ schedule a 30 minute FREE chat
• CONNECT WITH CATHY ON INSTAGRAM @cathylynnvan for daily tips and inspiration

This is a behind-the-scene (fun) episode where I asked my accountability partners record an episode.  Each week, I meet with Amy and Naomi.  The weekly accountability meetings are for us to share our success, challenges and to ask questions and provide support.  Little did I know a year ago that we would become close friends.

Thursday nights have become part of my self-care.  These amazing ladies listen to my challenges without judgement, cheer me on when I find joy and success and pick me up.   I have also been able to give back to them and have seen my confidence grow. 

I encourage you to find your "group".   It took a little courage to put a post out in a group on Facebook.  It was well worth the fear.  You are welcome to  post in The Caregiver Cup Community 

If you are in the Meeting and Event Planning field, check out Naomi Tucker at https://plannersonpurpose.com/

If you are looking for a life coach, check out Amy Linsmeyer at https://amylinsmeyer.com/

Get my free resource:  17 SHIFTS TO TAKE CONTROL OF CAREGIVER STRESS that will take you to the best version of yourself.

Thank you for listening. If you know of another caregiver who could benefit from this podcast, please copy and share this episode.

Follow me by clicking on the links below:

• ➡️ Get my free resource: 17 SHIFTS TO RECUDE CAREGIVER STRESS & SAY GOOD-BYE TO CAREGIVER BURNOUT
• If you're interested in 1:1 Coaching ➡️ schedule a 30 minute FREE chat
• CONNECT WITH CATHY ON INSTAGRAM @cathylynnvan for daily tips and inspiration

This week I started my Spring gardening prep.   I can’t clean out the leaves and debris yet until it gets warmer since the bees, butterflies and other little insects are trying to stay warm yet.  But it’s time to prune the bushes and trees.  

My husband just rolls his eyes and goes along with my gardening passion.   If it was up to him, we would just leave it.  But I want the plants and trees needs just a bit of help to show their beauty.  

Here’s the definition:  Pruning removes dead and dying branches and stubs, allowing room for new growth and protecting your property and passerby from damage. It also deters pest and animal infestation and promotes the plant's natural shape and healthy growth.

It’s also a reminder that we can do our own personal pruning too. 

• Can you prune back those dead or dying branches?   What are those for you?
• Pruning allows room for new growth.   When you release those bad habits, bad thoughts, and accept your new reality, you will allow for those buds, blossoms and new growth.  
• How are you allowing for new growth?  
• Pruning protects your property - yourself.   When you pivot your mindset, set healthy boundaries and manage your new normal, you are starting to take care of yourself.     
  • You can’t expect that beautiful crab apple tree to blossom every spring into this beautiful tree if you don’t trim it back, cut off the dead branches, fertilize it and water it.   Same goes for you. 
    • Close your eyes and envision your best self.  What does she look like?  What does she sound like?  What does she feel like?
    • What is your pruning plan for you? 
• NOTE:  The tree can’t prune itself.  But with a little help, it will start to become healthier and soon will blossom. 
  • As a coach and if you came to me I would ask you what needs pruning?  
  • Then we would break down each one.  
    • If you were lonely, we would look at ways to improve that.  IE: chat with a friend, joining a community, planning a date or girl night out.  
    • If you feel stretched, we need to look at the situation and figure out how to get more help or let go of things.  
    • If you are exhausted, we need to really figure out what the root cause of your exhaustion is and then you can start working on ways to improve it.  

If you want to check out my coaching, go to cathylvan.com/coaching.  It's  a FREE 30 minute session.  That way you can decide if this is a good fit for you.  

As caregivers, you and I think we have to take it all on.  Think about what you do.  (  IE:  I am a caregiver, a consultant for a fortune 100 company, a business owner, a mom, a daughter, a wife)   You get the picture.  

You can’t leave caregiving but YOU CAN find joy in your journey.  You can control your situation.    You can think like a manager and figure it out.  

I want to leave you with a quote from Florence Littauer, The purpose of pruning is to improve the quality of the roses, no to hurt the bush"

Thank you for listening. If you know of another caregiver who could benefit from this podcast, please copy and share this episode.

Follow me by clicking on the links below:

• ➡️ Get my free resource: 17 SHIFTS TO RECUDE CAREGIVER STRESS & SAY GOOD-BYE TO CAREGIVER BURNOUT
• If you're interested in 1:1 Coaching ➡️ schedule a 30 minute FREE chat
• CONNECT WITH CATHY ON INSTAGRAM @cathylynnvan for daily tips and inspiration