Podcast Summary
Focus on the process of self-improvement, not just the end result: Instead of comparing ourselves to others and fixating on the end goal, focus on the process of continuous self-improvement for personal growth and fulfillment.
Focusing too much on the end result and comparing ourselves to others can hinder personal growth. Instead, we should focus on the process and continuous self-improvement, as advised by author Benjamin Hardy. The hosts of the Jordan Harbinger Show, Jen and Jordan, applied this concept to their own lives by turning their home into an Airbnb and focusing on making their guests feel welcome and cherished. By removing external reference points and focusing on bettering ourselves, we can truly live in the game and find fulfillment in the journey towards our goals.
Comparing ourselves to others leads to dissatisfaction: High achievers often compare themselves to their ideal selves, leading to a cycle of dissatisfaction and unhappiness, even children can fall victim to this phenomenon
Our happiness and satisfaction often depend on what we compare ourselves to, rather than our actual achievements or progress. This concept, called the "gap," was first introduced by entrepreneurial coach Dan Sullivan. High achievers, in particular, are prone to this phenomenon, constantly measuring themselves against their ideal selves and feeling unsatisfied with their current accomplishments. This can lead to a never-ending cycle of dissatisfaction and unhappiness. Even children, as the example shows, quickly adapt to their new circumstances and start comparing themselves to others, leading to feelings of being slighted or left behind. It's essential to be aware of this tendency and focus on appreciating our progress and accomplishments, rather than constantly striving for the next thing.
Escaping the Gap Treadmill: Focusing on Internal Reference Points: To find happiness and confidence, shift focus from external benchmarks to internal goals and desires.
We are constantly measuring ourselves against external reference points, be it in school, social media, or marketing, which keeps us focused on unreachable ideals and prevents us from developing a strong sense of self. This process, known as the "gap treadmill," can lead to unhappiness and lack of confidence. The school system, for instance, often sets rigid external benchmarks, such as grades and test scores, that can limit individual growth and differentiation. Social media, with its emphasis on comparison, only exacerbates this issue. To break free from the gap treadmill, it's essential to cultivate an internal reference point, using our own desires and goals as a measuring stick. This shift in perspective can lead to greater self-awareness, happiness, and confidence. Ultimately, it's crucial to recognize that external benchmarks are not the only way to define success and that diversity and individual experiences are valuable assets in both personal and professional growth.
Breaking free from external reference points: Identify and challenge self-deprecating reference points, reflect regularly, and limit social media comparison to live more fulfilling lives.
Marketing, including social media, often makes us feel like we don't measure up and should be striving for something more, leading us to devalue our past experiences and current achievements. This constant comparison to external reference points can result in unhappiness and a sense of being stuck in a "gap" where we don't fully appreciate what we have. To break free from this cycle, it's essential to identify and challenge our reference points, especially if they were not self-chosen. Regularly reflecting on these questions can help us gain clarity and live more fulfilling lives. Additionally, limiting the time spent comparing ourselves to others on social media can help prevent the planting of unwanted seeds of dissatisfaction.
Measuring progress against ourselves, not others: Instead of comparing ourselves to external reference points, focus on measuring our progress against our former selves for intrinsic motivation.
Instead of comparing ourselves to external reference points, we should focus on measuring our progress against our former selves. Ernest Hemingway once said, "There's nothing noble about being superior to other people. True nobility is about being superior to your former self." By doing this, we can start to see our own progress and move towards intrinsic motivation. However, it can be challenging to let go of external reference points, especially when it comes to things like money or experiences. In the current climate, measuring progress in these areas can be difficult, leading us to focus on arbitrary measurements. To overcome this, we can ask ourselves what we believed three months or six months ago that we no longer believe today, and focus on making progress towards our own goals, rather than comparing ourselves to others.
Appreciating progress and focusing on gains: Focusing on daily progress and accomplishments, rather than ideals or what we don't have, can improve perspective, boost confidence, and lead to high performance and positive thinking.
Focusing on progress and measuring ourselves against where we were before, rather than against an ideal or what we don't have, can help us appreciate what we have and feel good. This practice, known as the "gain," enables us to put our accomplishments into context and value our daily progress, even if it doesn't meet our initial expectations. It's a deep internal practice that can be challenging at first, but it allows us to have perspective and boost our confidence. By focusing on the gain, we can radically inflate the value of our experiences and achievements, making every day a positive one. This shift in perspective, according to the broaden and build theory, leads to high performance and positive thinking. So next time you find yourself measuring yourself against an ideal or focusing on what you don't have, take a moment to reflect on the progress you've made and the experiences you've had. You might be surprised by how much you've accomplished.
Sharing personal spaces brings benefits and opportunities: Transforming a home into an Airbnb not only earns income but also allows hosts to share their world with guests. Positive framing and personal touches create a welcoming environment. Our perception of the world is shaped by our reactions, and focusing on ideals for others rather than comparing can lead to new opportunities.
Transforming a personal space into an Airbnb not only brings financial benefits but also offers an opportunity to share one's world with others. The hosts can create a welcoming environment by adding personal touches and making guests feel cherished. Moreover, the way we perceive things is subjective, and framing situations positively can lead to gaining rather than losing. A similar concept was shared by Benjamin Hardy, who emphasized that our perception of the world is shaped by our reactions to it, and constantly comparing ourselves to others can lead to self-devaluation. Instead, focusing on our ideals for others may hinder their success. By recognizing the worth of our homes and experiences, we can unlock new opportunities and adventures.
Focusing on progress and gains from experiences: Instead of dwelling on ideals or negative experiences, focus on progress and learning from experiences to create post-traumatic growth and become better versions of ourselves. Reflect daily on three amazing things to focus on the positive and progress made.
Focusing on progress and turning experiences into gains is more productive and healthier than dwelling on ideals or negative experiences. Measuring progress backwards and taking ownership of experiences can help individuals see their own growth and value in their experiences. Dan Sullivan's idea that ideals are unhealthy as goals because they're unachievable and exist only as a horizon line was emphasized. By focusing on gains and learning from experiences, individuals can create post-traumatic growth and become better versions of themselves. Practically, implementing this can be done through daily reflection on three amazing things, no matter how small, to focus on the positive and progress made.
Reflecting on Past Wins for Future Goals: Regularly reviewing past accomplishments can help clarify future goals, focusing on a few priorities prevents decision fatigue, and recording wins can increase appreciation and motivation.
Measuring and reflecting on past achievements can help clarify future goals. The speaker emphasizes the importance of identifying concrete wins and progress, rather than just paying lip service to gratitude and positive experiences. He suggests having a system for recording and reviewing past wins regularly, such as daily or every 90 days. This practice can help individuals better remember and appreciate their accomplishments, leading to increased clarity and motivation for future goals. The speaker also emphasizes the importance of focusing on a limited number of priorities to avoid decision fatigue. Overall, the key takeaway is that reflecting on past wins and setting clear, measurable goals can help individuals live more intentional and fulfilling lives.
Reflecting on daily wins: Recognizing personal achievements and progress can boost confidence, gratitude, and overall growth. Focus on internal progress, not external validation.
Focusing on personal progress and measuring it against one's past self can lead to increased confidence, gratitude, and overall growth. This practice, known as reflecting on three wins daily, encourages individuals to recognize their achievements and the progress they've made. By doing so, one can gain a new perspective on their growth and appreciate how far they've come. It's essential to remember that this practice is not about comparing oneself to others or striving for external validation. Instead, it's about recognizing the value of internal growth and being content with one's progress. High achievers may naturally find themselves in the gap between their current self and their goals, but it's crucial to strike a balance and not let the need for external validation define one's worth or happiness. By focusing on personal progress and measuring oneself against oneself, individuals can ultimately find happiness from within and continue to strive for their goals without being driven by a sense of inadequacy or the need to fill an internal void.
Recognizing the 'gap' between progress and perfection: Acknowledge the natural human experience of focusing too much on external metrics and approval, strive for progress instead of perfection, and refocus on what truly matters to create better, more meaningful progress.
Obsessive passion, driven by external motivation and the pursuit of approval, can lead to unhappiness and mental/emotional destruction. It's essential to recognize when we're in the "gap" – a state of imperfection or non-progress – and refocus on our own progress rather than striving for perfection. By doing so, we can increase the value of our self-worth and create better, more meaningful progress in the future. To identify if we're in the gap, we can ask ourselves questions like: Am I focusing too much on external metrics and approval rather than enjoying the process? Am I constantly striving for perfection rather than progress? Am I getting caught up in ideals and losing sight of what truly matters? It's essential to remember that recognizing the gap is a natural part of the human experience, and it's okay to experience it. The key is to refocus on progress and leave perfection behind. By doing so, we can create better, more meaningful progress in our lives.
Reframe challenges as opportunities for growth: Instead of dwelling on gaps or mistakes, focus on progress and achievements to turn challenges into opportunities for learning and growth
Instead of focusing on the gaps or what we're not doing, we should shift our perspective to the gains and what we have accomplished. When we find ourselves in the gap, thinking about what we should be doing or what we're not doing well, we can immediately reframe it by focusing on our progress and what we've achieved since the last time. This not only applies to personal goals, but also to situations involving others or external factors. By doing this, we can turn challenges into opportunities for learning and growth. It's important to remember that everyone, including ourselves, is a work in progress and it's healthy to start from where we are and build upon our improvements. So, the next time you find yourself in the gap, take a step back, assess your progress, and focus on the gains.
Recognize the value of achievements and be present in the moment: Appreciating current accomplishments and experiences increases self-worth and happiness, preventing a constant state of wanting more
Focusing solely on the next achievement or goal can prevent us from fully appreciating and finding happiness in our current accomplishments and experiences. Our brains tend to forget the gains we've made, keeping us in a constant state of wanting more. However, it's important to recognize the value of our achievements and be present in the moment to truly enjoy life and appreciate ourselves and those around us. By being in the "gain," we can increase our sense of self-worth and value, and still pursue new goals without missing out on the present.
Understanding the difference between needs and wants: Recognize that it's okay to want things without needing to justify them, and embracing our desires can lead to authentic living and self-determination.
It's essential to recognize the difference between needs and wants and understand that it's okay to want something without needing to justify it. Needs require justification, but wants do not. We often create stories to convince ourselves and others that we need something when in reality, we just want it. This can lead to mental and emotional damage and keep us from living an authentic life based on intrinsic motivation. It's empowering to embrace our desires and not feel the need to defend them to others. By living from a place of want, we can be self-determined and measure our success accurately based on our internal reference system. Remember, there's nothing wrong with wanting something just because we want it.
Prepare for life's events like an astronaut: Define personal progress, practice overcoming potential failures, keep things in perspective, and find balance to build confidence and achieve success
It's essential to prepare for significant events in life instead of just hoping for the best. This concept is inspired by astronauts' approach to visualizing potential failures and practicing to overcome them. Instead of comparing ourselves to external ideals or other people, we should define our own progress using personal criteria. This mindset builds confidence and leads to success, creating a virtuous cycle. It's also crucial to keep things in perspective by asking ourselves what if we lost the thing we're focusing on. This exercise helps avoid ignoring or spiritual bypassing actual problems. However, it's important to remember that trying to be in the game all the time can also keep us in the gap, so finding balance is key. Overall, focusing on personal growth using our own metrics is a recipe for happiness and success.
Focus on progress and growth, not mistakes or shortcomings: Improve skills and awareness to navigate life effectively, focusing on progress and growth instead of dwelling on mistakes
While we may not be able to play life perfectly, we can improve our skills and awareness to navigate it more effectively. This was a slightly unconventional discussion, but an important one. Ben's book, "The Gap and the Gain," emphasizes the importance of focusing on progress and growth rather than fixating on mistakes or shortcomings. You can find the book, as well as related resources, on our website, jordanharbinger.com. Don't forget to connect with us on social media and check out our free 6-minute networking course. Remember, we learn and grow by lifting each other up. Share this episode with anyone who could benefit from the advice. Our team includes Jen Harbinger, Jace Sanderson, Robert Fogarty, Millie Ocampo, Ian Baird, Josh Ballard, and Gabriel Mizrahi. Keep learning and applying the lessons from this show to live what you listen.