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    • Connecting in uncertain timesDespite uncertainty, find opportunities to build meaningful connections in your community through volunteering, shared interests, or learning about history.

      No matter how uncertain the world may feel or how disconnected communities may seem, there are opportunities to build meaningful connections right in your neighborhood. Neighbor to Neighbor, a California volunteer network, is a testament to this belief. They encourage individuals to help each other out and prepare for emergencies, fostering a sense of community and support. On a lighter note, sometimes unexpected connections can be made through shared interests, like playing online casino games. Chumba Casino, for instance, offers a platform for individuals to enjoy casino-style games together, even at 30,000 feet. However, it's important to remember that not all charismatic individuals are positive influences. Gabriele D'Annunzio, a historical figure, is an example of a complex character. He was both a ladies man and the inventor of fascism, making him a fascinating yet baffling figure. While his appeal may be hard to understand today, his impact on history is undeniable. So, whether it's through volunteering, playing games, or learning about history, there are various ways to connect with others and find common ground.

    • Gabriel de' Medici's early life marked by wealth and female influenceBorn into a wealthy Italian family, Gabriel grew up surrounded by women, learning manipulation and pleasure. His father's extravagant displays of wealth set the stage for his future actions.

      The early life of Gabriel de' Medici, an Italian political and artistic figure born in the late 15th century, was marked by the display of wealth and the influence of women. Italy was a young nation when he was born, and his hometown of Pescara was a small coastal city. His father, Francisco Paolo, was the mayor and a wealthy landowner and wine merchant, who would toss coins to the crowd during carnival to show off his wealth. Gabriel grew up surrounded by women, including his mother, sisters, aunts, and maids, and learned to manipulate and please them. He was recognized as a child genius and was the beloved center of his family's world. His father's ostentatious displays of wealth, combined with the female influence in his upbringing, shaped Gabriel's development and likely influenced his future actions and relationships.

    • D'Annunzio's Unique Upbringing and Experiences in PescaraGrowing up in a region with Catholicism and pagan traditions shaped D'Annunzio's understanding of women and love for rituals, despite his contempt for religion. Childhood memories of forbidden pagan rituals and confined women influenced his writing.

      Growing up surrounded by women and being raised in a region with a mix of strict Catholicism and ancient Italian pagan traditions shaped Gabriel D'Annunzio's perspective and experiences. This upbringing instilled in him a deep understanding of women and a love for rituals, despite his contempt for religion and priests. His childhood memories, filled with forbidden glimpses of pagan rituals and the confinement of women, influenced his writing and later works. Additionally, his experiences with death, such as the death of his horse and the massacre of pigs, instilled a deep fear and apprehension in him. Overall, his unique upbringing and experiences in Pescara contributed to the complex and intriguing person that Gabriel D'Annunzio became.

    • Childhood memory of surviving an egg theft and town gatheringBelief in personal uniqueness, shaped by childhood experiences and external validation, can significantly influence a person's confidence and success.

      Gabriel d'Annunzio, an Italian poet and seducer, led an intense and extraordinary life, shaped by both his natural abilities and the belief that he was special due to being born with his amniotic sac, or caul. This belief in his specialness may have influenced his confidence and charisma, but it's unclear how much of his success can be attributed to nature versus nurture. One of his most significant childhood memories was nearly dying while attempting to steal an egg from a bird's nest, which led to a town gathering and a sense of being marked out for a public life. This event, possibly distorted over time, may have reinforced his belief in his unique status. Overall, d'Annunzio's life demonstrates the impact of both personal belief and external validation on a person's development and success.

    • Formative Experiences of Gabriele D'AnnunzioD'Annunzio's Italian nationalism and rebellious spirit were shaped by his upbringing, education, and experiences, including a cold and isolating boarding school, which contributed to his hardened persona.

      The complex and enigmatic figure of Gabriele D'Annunzio was shaped by a combination of his deep-rooted Italian nationalism and his formative experiences, including his upbringing and education. His early life was marked by a strong sense of identity as an Italian and a rebellious spirit, evident in his favorite books and disputes with religious authorities. However, his time at a cold and isolating boarding school may have contributed to the development of a hardened persona, as described by his biographer. These experiences likely influenced his later actions and writings, which further cemented his place as a significant figure in Italian history.

    • The Early Life of Gabriel D'Annunzio: Devotion to Nation and Personal GreatnessGabriel D'Annunzio's intense devotion to Italy and personal greatness shaped his early life, driving him to learn multiple languages, excel academically, and make a name for himself, but also leading him to hate enemies and potentially negative consequences.

      The early life of Gabriel D'Annunzio, an Italian poet and politician, was marked by an intense devotion to his nation and a strong desire for personal greatness. This devotion led him to focus on hating the enemies of Italy and making a great name for himself from a young age. However, his intelligence and determination were also evident in his accomplishments, such as learning multiple languages and excelling academically. Despite his arrogance, he backed up his words with deeds, demonstrating his dedication and work ethic. While it's important to recognize the influence of intelligence and determination in shaping individuals, it's also crucial to consider the potential negative consequences of an excessive focus on personal greatness and hatred towards others. Additionally, during the discussion, the hosts mentioned various products and services, including Monopoly Go, a mobile game, and Neighbor to Neighbor, a California volunteers network. The former offers new challenges and rewards every time you play, while the latter empowers you to build stronger community bonds. Lastly, Chumba Casino was introduced as a source of entertainment and daily bonuses. In conclusion, the conversation highlighted the complexities of human motivation, the importance of community, and the potential benefits of various products and services.

    • Young Italian Poet's Impact on LiteratureAt 16 and 17, Gabriel D'Annunzio published his first poem and book of poetry, gaining recognition for his exceptional writing skills and confidence.

      Mint Mobile offers affordable, high-quality wireless plans starting at $15 a month with unlimited talk, text, and data on the nation's largest 5G network. Gabriel D'Annunzio, an Italian poet, made a significant impact on Italian literature at a young age, publishing his first poem and book of poetry at the ages of 16 and 17, respectively. His work was praised by Italian poets and critics, despite its erotic subject matter, and he gained recognition as a talented poet. Despite his privileged background, his exceptional writing skills and confidence in his abilities set him apart and earned him respect in the literary world.

    • The Power of Exceptional Artists to Shape HistoryExceptional artists, despite their personal flaws or moral ambiguities, have the power to make profound impacts on art and culture, shaping history through their influential works.

      Throughout history, there have been exceptional individuals who have made profound impacts on art and culture, despite their personal flaws or moral ambiguities. Gabriel d'Annunzio, a renowned Italian poet, is a prime example of this phenomenon. His work was of such high caliber that it garnered him a massive following, akin to modern-day pop stars. Poets in this era were considered celebrities, with legions of devoted fans. Despite the controversial nature of some poets, such as Nizar Qabbani in the Middle East, their work held significant cultural and political influence. D'Annunzio was convinced that he was one of these great men, driven by an unrelenting desire to be the best poet in Italy. From a young age, he published multiple books of poetry, and his work resonated deeply with influential figures like Nizioni. One book that particularly influenced him was Thomas Carlyle's "Heroes," which reinforced his belief in the power of exceptional individuals to shape history. Thus, the art and the artist must often be viewed separately, as the power of the written word and the impact it has on society remains a profound and enduring force.

    • Manipulating Public Interest with a Faked DeathGabriele D'Annunzio gained fame and success by faking his own death, demonstrating the power of manipulation in generating public interest and advancing one's career.

      Gabriele D'Annunzio, a young Italian poet, manipulated the circumstances surrounding his book's publication by faking his own death, which led to a massive increase in public interest and fame. This deception transformed a modestly successful book into a national news story, launching his career at a young age. However, D'Annunzio's personality was complex, and he was also known for his obsession with raping poor women. Despite his reputation as a ladies' man and great romantic, his fetish for raping the less privileged added a disturbing dimension to his character. This incident, combined with his later invention of fascism, highlights the intricate relationship between power, manipulation, and morality.

    • Attitudes towards consent and relationships in the pastDuring the time discussed, forcing oneself on women was not necessarily seen as negative and attitudes towards consent and relationships were significantly different. It's important to acknowledge historical context and understand how it shaped people's beliefs and actions.

      During the time period discussed, attitudes towards consent and relationships were significantly different than they are today. Gabriel de Nuncio, the subject of the conversation, lived during a time when forcing oneself on women was not necessarily seen as a negative or hidden behavior, but rather a way to assert masculinity. His letters to his girlfriend, Giselda, reveal a disturbing fascination with her tears and even her death. While some may argue that this was a romanticized obsession with "romantic death," it's important to remember that these attitudes were deeply ingrained in the culture of the time. It's not a matter of comparing the past to the present and declaring one better than the other, but rather acknowledging the historical context and understanding how it shaped people's beliefs and actions. This discussion also touched upon the complexity of attraction and how it can manifest in unexpected ways, even if they are not socially acceptable or healthy. Ultimately, it's crucial to remember that everyone has the right to consent and be treated with respect, regardless of the time period or cultural norms.

    • Building meaningful connections in communitiesRecognize and avoid emotionally manipulative behaviors in relationships, and strive for healthy, respectful, and communicative connections.

      Building meaningful connections in our communities can bring hope and support during uncertain times. Neighbor to Neighbor is an example of a platform that encourages community building and neighborly assistance. On a different note, the story of Gabriel and Giselda illustrates the destructive nature of emotional manipulation and ghosting in relationships. Gabriel's behavior was emotionally abusive as he used his words to manipulate Giselda's emotions, only to disappear without explanation. This behavior created an addictive cycle of longing and disappointment, causing significant harm to his partners. It's essential to recognize and avoid such patterns in our relationships and instead, strive for healthy, respectful, and communicative connections.

    • Addictive long-distance relationships can be harmful when one partner manipulates and abuses the otherLong-distance relationships can be addictive due to intense emotions, but become harmful when one partner manipulates, abuses power, and disregards the other's feelings.

      Long-distance relationships can be addictive due to the intense emotions experienced when apart and reunited. However, when one partner is emotionally disengaged and uses the power imbalance to manipulate and abuse the other, the relationship becomes abusive and harmful. This was evident in the relationship between Gabriele D'Annunzio and Giselda, where he emotionally manipulated and discarded women, including Giselda, without any regard for their feelings. D'Annunzio's behavior is further highlighted in his writing, which often depicted sexual exploits and power dynamics. Despite his treatment of people, his success and fame continued to grow. This illustrates the complex and often damaging nature of addictive relationships and the importance of emotional engagement and respect in any relationship.

    • Italian writer with a scandalous lifestyleGabriel D'Annunzio, a prolific Italian writer, accumulated wealth through his writing but spent it recklessly on multiple homes, lavish gifts, and lovers, often neglecting his responsibilities.

      Gabriel D'Annunzio was a prolific Italian writer known for his explicit and decadent content, often involving passionate love affairs and extravagant lifestyles. He was notorious for his numerous lovers, lavish spending, and disregard for his responsibilities towards his children. D'Annunzio's success as a writer allowed him to accumulate wealth, but he spent it just as quickly on shopping, expensive gifts, and maintaining multiple homes. He was often more interested in the distractions of his lifestyle than in forming meaningful relationships. When his debts grew too large, he turned to writing for tabloids and gossip rags, using his media connections to generate publicity. Despite his questionable actions and morals, D'Annunzio's impact on literature and popular culture was significant, with some even drawing comparisons to controversial figures like Donald Trump.

    • Defying societal norms with unconventional appearance and behaviorInner qualities like talent, ambition, and charisma can be just as, if not more, attractive than physical appearance

      Physical attractiveness does not determine success or the ability to charm people. Gabriel D'Annunzio, a renowned Italian poet, defied societal norms with his unconventional appearance and behavior, yet he managed to win over many beautiful women and maintain a public image as a ladies' man. His talent, ambition, and charisma were powerful enough to overcome his repulsive traits. This story serves as a reminder that there is more to a person than their physical appearance, and that inner qualities such as talent, ambition, and charisma can be just as, if not more, attractive. Despite his unappealing looks and questionable behavior, D'Annunzio's genius at brand management and ability to captivate people kept him in the spotlight and made him a star.

    • The Intersection of Fame, Politics, and Decadence in Early 20th Century ItalyItalian poet Gabriele D'Annunzio used his fame to enter politics, paving the way for figures like Reagan. His controversial personal life, including explicit writings about sex, gained him infamy in Paris. Believing war would bring rejuvenation, he saw WWI as a duty and inspired other artists to share this perspective.

      Gabriele D'Annunzio, an Italian poet and early 20th century celebrity, ran for political office on a platform of poetry and beauty but later grew disillusioned with politics. He was the first famous figure to use his fame to enter political power, paving the way for others like Reagan. D'Annunzio's narcissistic politics and use of his platform to become a politician can be compared to Reagan's. However, what sets D'Annunzio apart is his infamy for his debauchery and explicit writings about sex, including cunnilingus. Despite his controversial personal life, he gained a significant level of fame in Paris, even seducing a famous lesbian artist. D'Annunzio saw the approaching World War I as a duty to push Europe into calamity, believing it would bring about a cleansing and rejuvenation. This perspective was shared by other artists of the time, including Rupert Brooke and Thomas Mann. D'Annunzio's life is a fascinating example of the intersection of fame, politics, and decadence in the early 20th century.

    • Italian poet D'Annunzio's fervent calls for war during WW1Italian poet D'Annunzio advocated for war as a means of purging society and creating a stronger nation, urging Italians to join the Entente despite their alliance with Germany, and incited violent action against political opponents, foreshadowing fascist tactics.

      During World War 1, Italian nationalist and poet Gabriel D'Annunzio advocated for war as a means of purging society and creating a stronger nation. He saw the conflict as an aesthetic endeavor and believed that a great racial conflict would purge society of its weak elements. D'Annunzio attended the front lines, took souvenirs, and lied about witnessing the German destruction of the Reims Cathedral to write an article pushing for Italy to join the war against Germany. Despite Italy's alliance with Germany, D'Annunzio gave speeches urging his countrymen to pull out of the Triple Alliance and join the Entente with France, Britain, and Russia. He attacked politicians who opposed his views and called for violent action against them. D'Annunzio's rhetoric was frenzied and incited the Roman mob to take the law into their own hands, forming squads to capture anti-war deputies. His advocacy for violence against political opponents foreshadowed the tactics of fascist movements.

    • Charismatic leaders can channel deep-seated anger and frustration into mass movementsCharismatic leaders can inspire mass movements by tapping into deep-seated anger and frustration, but this dynamic carries the risk of being used for destructive purposes.

      Charismatic leaders who tap into the deep-seated anger and frustration of their followers can inspire mass movements, regardless of the morality or legitimacy of their cause. D'Annunzio, a poet known for his eloquence, used his speeches to denounce Giolitti and inflame the crowds, transforming their applause into a frenzy. He called for action instead of words, and his rhetoric resonated with people desperate to belong and seeking a sense of purpose. This dynamic is not unique to D'Annunzio; it has been seen throughout history, from Hitler to Trump. The ability to channel collective anger and direct it towards a perceived enemy can be a powerful tool, but it also carries the risk of being used for destructive purposes. It's important to be aware of this dynamic and to consider the potential consequences of following a charismatic leader blindly.

    • Italian Poet and Politician Gabriele D'Annunzio's Role in Italy's Entry into WW1Gabriele D'Annunzio's manipulative rhetoric and violent demonstrations contributed significantly to Italy's entry into WW1, resulting in over 460,000 Italian deaths and 955,000 injuries.

      Gabriele D'Annunzio, an Italian poet and politician, used manipulative rhetoric and violent demonstrations to push Italy towards declaring war on Austria-Hungary in 1914. His speeches incited crowds to riot and attempt to murder political opponents, creating an atmosphere of chaos and rage that made war an inevitable outcome. D'Annunzio's actions were described as a coup d'etat in all but name, and the war resulted in over 460,000 Italian deaths and 955,000 injuries. Despite the debate over his impact on Italy's entry into the war, historians agree that his actions were a significant factor. D'Annunzio's career continued after the war, and he remains a controversial figure in Italian history. The discussion also touched upon a seemingly unrelated topic of D'Annunzio's appearance in a controversial photograph, but it did not add much to the overall takeaway.

    • Emphasizing the Importance of Community and ConnectionIn uncertain times, helping neighbors and building stronger communities is crucial. Connect with local resources like Neighbor to Neighbor and find joy in everyday experiences like playing games on Chumba Casino.

      The importance of community and connection in times of uncertainty. Robert Evans and Bowen Yang, the hosts of the podcast, discussed various topics ranging from their personal experiences to current events. Despite the sometimes dark and absurd nature of their conversation, they emphasized the importance of helping neighbors and building stronger communities. They introduced Neighbor to Neighbor, a California volunteer's network, as a resource for individuals looking to connect with their communities and prepare for emergencies. Additionally, they encouraged listeners to consider their reactions when they win, promoting Chumba Casino as a fun and potentially rewarding option. Overall, the conversation highlighted the importance of community, connection, and finding joy in everyday experiences.

    Recent Episodes from Behind the Bastards

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    Behind the Bastards is doing it's annual fundraiser for the Portland Diaper Bank! We had a soft start a week or so ago but will actually be plugging it this week and next. Please help if you can!

    https://www.gofundme.com/f/btb-fundraiser-pdx-diaper-bank?attribution_id=sl:a1a2d058-9511-435e-ab61-93bc1252ffa5&utm_campaign=pd_ss_icons&utm_medium=customer&utm_source=twitter 

    Sources:

    https://www.hrw.org/report/2023/02/15/thats-when-nightmare-started/uk-and-us-forced-displacement-chagossians-and

    https://archive.is/KvGqw#selection-1769.0-1781.535

    Vine, David. Island of Shame: The Secret History of the U.S. Military Base on Diego Garcia (p. 18). Princeton University Press. Kindle Edition.

    https://www.aljazeera.com/opinions/2019/2/25/how-britain-forcefully-depopulated-a-whole-archipelago/

    https://archive.org/details/webofdeceitbrita0000curt/page/432/mode/2up?q=chagos

    https://journals.openedition.org/oceanindien/2003

    See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

    Behind the Bastards
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    Part One: How the British Empire and U.S. Department of Defense Murdered an Island Paradise

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    Behind the Bastards is doing it's annual fundraiser for the Portland Diaper Bank! We had a soft start a week or so ago but will actually be plugging it this week and next. Please help if you can!

    https://www.gofundme.com/f/btb-fundraiser-pdx-diaper-bank?attribution_id=sl:a1a2d058-9511-435e-ab61-93bc1252ffa5&utm_campaign=pd_ss_icons&utm_medium=customer&utm_source=twitter 

    Sources:

    https://www.hrw.org/report/2023/02/15/thats-when-nightmare-started/uk-and-us-forced-displacement-chagossians-and

    https://archive.is/KvGqw#selection-1769.0-1781.535

    Vine, David. Island of Shame: The Secret History of the U.S. Military Base on Diego Garcia (p. 18). Princeton University Press. Kindle Edition.

    https://www.aljazeera.com/opinions/2019/2/25/how-britain-forcefully-depopulated-a-whole-archipelago/

    https://archive.org/details/webofdeceitbrita0000curt/page/432/mode/2up?q=chagos

    https://journals.openedition.org/oceanindien/2003

    See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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    55: Defeating Emotional Blackmail and Manipulation with Susan Forward

    55: Defeating Emotional Blackmail and Manipulation with Susan Forward

    Have you been stuck in a cycle with someone that leaves you feeling like you can never win? Where you feel like you are always giving in? Not saying what you are really feeling? If so, you may be experiencing emotional blackmail. It’s not pretty, and you can be left with the uncomfortable feeling that there’s no way out without sacrificing who you are in the process. Don’t despair - there’s hope for you! In today’s episode, we’re going to chat with the world’s foremost expert on ending the grip of emotional blackmail, Dr. Susan Forward, one of the nation’s leading psychotherapists, and a New York Times bestselling author who has spent decades helping people break out of toxic cycles and discover healthier ways of relating.

    What is emotional blackmail? The structure of emotional blackmail begins with a demand, followed by pressure to fulfill the request, and finally, being threatened with punishing consequences. The threat can be blatant or subtle. Subtle threats come in the form of pouting, sulking, passive aggressive comments, while blatant threats are overtly articulated consequences of ‘if ____, then ____’.

    FOG: Emotional blackmail, although incredibly powerful and hurtful, can become normalized by both the receiver, and the doer.  Another way to know if you may be being emotionally blackmailed is to check in on if you feel as though you are in a fog. FOG stands for Fear, Obligation, and Guilt. These three components cause us to feel overwhelmed and make it so it is difficult to find our way out of an imbalance of power, unable to clearly see the dynamics, and make us have a tendency to comply.

    The Need to Please Disease- When we are vulnerable we have a tendency to rationalize unhealthy and unloving treatment in an effort to protect ourselves from further guilt and fear. We can end up giving in, no matter the price, just so that the other person is not angry with us. The lethality and toxicity of constant giving in accumulates until the person who is the target of emotional blackmail becomes depressed and angry, and internalizes this to become self-hatred.

    Water wearing down the rock: Constant compromise and giving in to something and someone that does not feel aligned with your own needs and desires can wear you down. Like water wearing down the boulder, you become the pebble- a smaller version of yourself. By having the courage to look at what is really happening in the dynamic, you will find opportunities for change and growth.

    Stand up for your own truth.  Everyone is terrified of other people’s anger and retaliation- this is a core fear that goes back into childhood for many. Despite anger being such a powerful force, there are behavioral strategies that help equalize the balance of power and help you become more assertive and self-protective. It takes courage to stand up for your own truth, however it is worth it.

    Honest look at ourselves. None of us are immune or exempt from being emotional blackmailers ourselves. Take time to look at your own patterns around getting others to do what you want. How do you handle when someone disagrees with you, or doesn’t want what you want? Do you plead? Coax? Get pouty? Become punitive? Do you punish through withholding things or love? Do you take their denial personally and as a threat to the relationship itself? Do you say things like “If you really loved me you would…” Or “if you really cared about us you would…” We are all guilty of some of these at times, and the question is not if, but rather to what degree and how often?

    Admit and Acknowledge: Do you feel like you have been emotionally blackmailing someone? Begin by labeling your behavior as such. Then, find the courage and humility to sit down and tell the person you are bullying that you are aware of your actions. Naming and sharing this goes a long way. Admitting and acknowledging is a way of fessing up and owning your actions and it creates a climate of much greater safety. With this safety healing and repair can begin. Saying sorry will not be enough however. You will have to show the person you have hurt that you are ready to own your actions through behavioral changes over time. And elicit their help! Ask the person you have hurt what they need from you to feel safer, and more trusting. Find ways together to move forward, and stay open to getting counseling!

    Admitting and acknowledging is a two way street! It is important to look at your own responsibility and behavior as the compliant one as well. Read through the following checklist to find out if you are a target of emotional blackmail:

    -       I tell myself that giving in is no big deal

    -       I tell myself that giving in is worth it to get other person to quiet down/calm down

    -       I tell myself that what I want is wrong

    -       I tell myself that it is not worth the hassle- I’ll give in now and take a stand later

    -       I tell myself that it is better to give in then to hurt their feelings

    -       I don’t stand up for myself

    -       I give away my power

    -       I do things to please other people and get confused about what I want

    -       I acquiesce

    -       I give up people and activities I care about to please the other person

    Yes to the above? Don’t wait for the other person to change. Do the above statements resonate with you? If so, it is time to look inside and find the courage to make changes yourself. Find the emotional maturity and empowered stance to stop the victim/blame cycle by realizing that you do not need to put yourself second any longer. Be willing to look to your past to see if complacency is an automatic, inherited, or learned behavior that began in your childhood. Be willing to take the reins in your own hands and set limits and boundaries. You have just as much responsibility as the blackmailer to change the dynamic, and you have just as much right as the other person to have your needs met. This can be a difficult and daunting shift in perspective for anyone who has a history of abuse as it brings up true fear and guilt around displeasing people- reach out for support when needed!

    Negotiating for a healthier relationship. We all have choices when a relationship goes off the track. We can accept things the way they are, we can negotiate for a healthier relationship, or worst comes to worst you can end the relationship. That said, there are strategies, communication skills, and behavioral changes that are worth trying in an effort to shift the dynamics before giving in more, or giving up.  

    Feeling your fear: Shifting yourself out of an emotional blackmail situation requires the willingness to tolerate the discomfort of displeasing someone, and often this can bring up fears. Many of our fears are old feelings that we mistake as coming from current events. We confuse our past with the present, and so when we get hurt we react in accordance with prior experiences. We will do nearly anything to protect ourselves from our fear of other people’s anger. Differentiating the present from the past will leave you with more confidence and many more choices for ways to react. Help yourself see that you are now an adult, no longer hopeless or dependent, and that your past does not need to dictate your experience any longer. From this knowing, ask yourself ‘what is the worst thing that can happen?’ Then believe you have the courage and resilience inside to handle this. Lastly, it comes down to allowing yourself to feel fear, and being with it.

    *NOTE: There are certain situations and people where the fear is very warranted. If the person emotionally blackmailing you is completely locked into their angry defensive way of being, then you must ask yourself if it is really worth it or possible to work with them. Listen to your fear in these situations as it may be protecting you from true threat.

    Be with your guilt: Guilt, along with fear, is often the major contributor to complacency. The fear of guilt itself is a powerful force. Realize that you can tolerate the guilt- no one died from guilt! Your dignity, self-respect, and health will all thank you for addressing this. Have a talk with your discomfort- take a close look and ask yourself the following questions:

    -Is what I did or want to do malicious?

    -Is what I did or want to do cruel?

    -Is what I did or want to do abusive?

    -Is what I did or want to do insulting?

    -Is what I did or want to do belittling?

    -Is what I did or want to do demeaning?

    -Is what I did or want to do truly harmful?

    If you answer no to these questions, then there is nothing to be guilty of. That is not to say that changing your behavior won’t be uncomfortable, but you can begin to redefine the discomfort as a sign of growth and change!

    Do it and the feelings will show up! Many people incorrectly assume that they need to feel stronger before they can take steps and make changes in reaction to emotional blackmail. This is not true! As you begin to shift to a new set of behaviors, the sense of empowerment will follow. Others may be shocked by your changes, and have strong reactions. Allow for this and do not take it on! It may not feel great at first, and that is OKAY.

    How to de-escalate the conflict: Blackmail thrives on conflict and escalation, and pushing one person lower and lower on the power structure. A natural tendency when we are emotionally attached is to get defensive, however defensiveness breeds defensiveness. If you can find non-defensive responses, the emotional blackmailer will no longer be able to attack and you WILL shift the dynamic. This requires learning to protect yourself, versus defending yourself. Doing so requires non-defensive communication skills. For example, try saying “I am sure you see it that way, and you are entitled to your feelings, however I am not willing to have this conversation now, let's talk about it when you are calmer…” Other non-defensive communications that can shift the other person’s resistance and defensiveness sound like:

    “Can we talk about why this is so important to you?”

    “Will you help me understand?”

    “It is not acceptable for you to continually make me feel guilty and scared- how can we work together to find a way to get your needs met in a way that doesn’t compromise mine?”

    “I feel as though you are pushing me and our relationship to the edge of a cliff and I don’t know if you are taking me seriously when I say I am not happy. I want to find ways together to solve our problems and conflicts in a way that doesn’t leave one of us feeling emotionally battered- can we talk about this?”

    “I am not willing to live this way any more, I need to be treated with respect and caring and want to find ways to make us both feel safer and more loved”

    “You could be right, however I am feeling…”

    Stop! And take a breath. Next time you are asked to do something you are not okay with, first thing to do is to STOP. Take a breath. This immediately pulls you out of your habitual pattern and away from the automatic reaction. Instead of saying yes, or no, say “I am not able to make this decision right now, I need to think about this. I’ll get back to you- but I need some time to figure out how I am really feeling about this”. This stance will allow you to calm down, garner your strength, and have the time necessary to connect with yourself beyond the fear and guilt. A healthy decision is made when we are able to balance and check in with both our intellect and our emotions- this takes time. Putting things back on your own timeline will make for your ability to be in your integrity and this will inevitably shift the power structure!

    Resources

    Find out more about Susan Forward's work at her website

    Email Susan at susanforward6@aol.com  if you are interested in phone consultations- she responds to each email personally!

    www.neilsattin.com/blackmail Visit to download the show guide, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the show guide to this episode with Susan Forward!

    Our Relationship Alive Community on Facebook

    Amazing intro/outro music graciously provided courtesy of:

    The Railsplitters - Check them Out

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