rupture and repair

Summary
The conversation explores the experience of being away from your child for the first time and the emotions that come with it. Kimmy and Giarne delve into the concept of guilt and selfishness in parenting, highlighting the importance of meeting one's own needs. This episode looks at the the gradual separation of parenting, the development of resilience, secure attachment and the changing needs and desire for independence as a parent. We wrap up with the joy of reuniting with a child and the privilege of being a parent.

Take-aways: 

• It can be emotionally challenging to separate from your children but it is the rupture and repair that helps grow resilience
• The role of guilt to help modify behaviour, rather than how it is often experienced in parenting
• The slow break up - decades long separation of dependence to independence in raising children
• It's not just our kids needs that are important, but as parents our own
• The balance or the juggle of work and family 
• Secure attachment foundations and how rupture and repair facilitates resilience building for our kids. 
• It's okay to miss your kids, and the joy that coming back together can be after caring for yourself and your needs.

Continuing on from last week Shelley answers some more listener questions in this solo episode, sharing suggestions for how to respond compassionately to your children in the moments it feels hardest.

In this episode you'll learn about:
- what to do if silly behaviour in your children is a trigger for you
-  why giving children lots of information to help them process what’s going on is so important
- how to talk to a highly sensitive child that shuts down and a great game to play to help them open up
-  why repair is so important for our children and what that looks like
- the reasons to make sure you’ve had a chance to process your own feelings as a parent

If you are wanting to hear how to meet your child where they are and help them shift the tension, then this is the podcast episode for you!

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Continue the conversation with Shelley here:
https://www.facebook.com/shelleyclarkemindbodyparenting
https://www.instagram.com/_shelleyclarke_/

This podcast is produced by Nikki O'Brien from Quintessential Being

In this episode, Rob explores how you can still parent when triggered by your kids, how to understand gender differences in empathy, psychopathy, somatic experiencing, and why animals don't get traumatised.

Rob is a psychotherapist who's been in the business of helping others for over 20 years. Beginning in his 20s, he became involved in personal meditative practice, went on to work in homeless shelters, and progressed to addiction and mental health counselling. Rob is a qualified Gestalt therapist and Somatic Experiencing practitioner who specialises in addressing trauma from a body-based lens.

You can find out more about Rob here.

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Ryan has recently gotten feedback in two of his close relationships, and we debrief how he's responded, both internally and externally.

RSP (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria) can come into play whenever we receive negative feedback. Perhaps you feel rejected by the other person, but it's also possible you reject yourself, and then react to that self-rejection. It's usually both.

A process we settled on:

1. When receiving the feedback, notice how you feel.
2. Feeling defensive or hurt? Acknowledge the feedback, express gratitude for it, and step back to sort out your interiors.
3. Ask yourself what you're afraid of, what you feel the need to protect/defend yourself from, and where in you those fears/impulses might come from.
4. Use your tools. Reparent, self compassion, self acceptance, surrender to what is, become the observer, journal, take it to your therapist, take a walk and talk to yourself, you know the drill.
5. Ask the forward-moving questions. What do you need to own? What's not yours to own? Do you need to make reparations? Is it in everyone's highest good to mend the relationship? Are you ready for that conversation? Are they?
6. Check your motivations. Do you want to repair because disrepair is uncomfortable for you? Are you looking to escape feeling rejected or unwanted? Is your sense of worth tied to whether or not others accept you? Are you trying to control the other person or the relationship? If yes to any of these, keep doing the work.
7. If you do move into repair, lead with listening. Hold space for them to share their experience and their interiors, and honor those as just as valid as your own. Detach from outcomes, and prioritize connection over restoration, and being curious over being right. Be okay with the conversation not going the way you hoped it would.

Ego's place in the spectrum: THE MIDDLE.

• One end: Control. If Ego is at the wheel, you're gonna try to control everything, which is impossible and unhealthy.
• The other end: Apathy. If you can't control everything, Ego is tempted to decide it shouldn't try to control anything, which is unrealistic and unhealthy.
• The middle: Surrender. You control yourself and stop trying to control everything else. YOU give your Ego what it wants, or it will try to take it from others (affirmation, love, validation, attention, protection).

GRATITUDES:

• Abby is grateful for HERSELF.
• Ryan is grateful for the two people in his life who gave him the feedback that sparked this episode.

TIME CODES:
5:25 - Ryan's two relationships
25:22 - YOU ARE YOUR OWN MEASURING STICK
33:50 - Keeping Ego in its Lane

MORE DEETS:

• Join our tribe at patreon.com/truenorth11
• Get life coaching from Abby at IndigoCoaching.net
• Follow us on IG at @TrueNorthWithAbbyAndRyan
• Watch us at TinyURL.com/TrueNorth11YouTube
• Email us at hello@truenorth11.com
• Stalk us at truenorth11.com

👊🐛🚙🌊

Ryan goes through a list of things over the past three episodes he wanted to say but didn't (ironically). And we discuss the things.

The main theme undergirding this conversation is, know what you CAN control, know what you CAN'T, own what you CAN control, and don't own what you CAN'T control. 

• Speaking up because of what might happen if you DON'T is just as bad as NOT speaking up because of what might happen if you DO. Also, fear of what might happen is not a reason not to do something. Also also, if NOT speaking up causes you suffering, that suffering is your choice.
• Being in love and light includes intentionally and consistently cultivating a practice of being considerate and compassionate towards the people you interact with.
• There's no "right answer" when it comes to knowing when/why/how to use your voice. It depends on where you are in life, who you're talking to, and what's motivating your actions/inactions. Love? Fear? Both? Only you know. But your answer is your answer.
• Gender plays a role. Generally, our culture tells each gender a different story about when/where/how/why it's appropriate to use their voices and take up space. Going against the script that was handed to you is a movement towards self empowerment, whatever that looks like.
• You can't predict how someone will react to your words, so don't try to predict it. You can't control how someone will react to your words, so don't try to control it. But you can care how your words might fall on them. So always care.
• When things mess up after you use your voice, repairing what broke is important. It's also important to do your best to craft your words to prevent rupture.
• When things go south relationally, it's important to investigate where and how the breakdown happened. THEN, own your contribution, and release everything else.
• Learn to trust yourself. And good luck, cause that's super fuckin' hard.

GRATITUDES:

• Abby is grateful that she was able to get her loved ones together over a weekend to process a recent shared experience together.
• Ryan is grateful that he didn't lose power in the snowstorm, and also for some of his patrons who are doing cool shit:
  • Holly Rudnick, Intuitive Coach: hollymbscoach.com
  • Podcast - This Is Vinyl Tap: Spotify | Apple

TIME CODES:
1:20 - This Texas snow situation!
9:06 - The final debrief begins
11:50 - The consequences of silence as a motivation to speak up
23:18 - Our different answers to this come from our different experiences.
27:55 - Gender plays a role
34:19 - Caring about things we can neither predict nor control
38:14 - Taking your time figuring out the best way to say something
46:53 - Rupture & Repair
50:39 - Investigating how/why things go south, and owning your shit

MORE DEETS:

• Join our tribe at patreon.com/truenorth11
• Get life coaching from Abby at IndigoCoaching.net
• Follow us on IG at @TrueNorthWithAbbyAndRyan
• Watch us at TinyURL.com/TrueNorth11YouTube
• Email us at hello@truenorth11.com
• Stalk us at truenorth11.com

🍭🦃🏕🐙

We close some loops and get all* the words out that we've spent the past two episodes wrestling with for various reasons. Not sure if I need to say this, but you'll need to listen to parts 1 and 2 for any of this to make sense.

GRATITUDES:

• Ryan is grateful for his #bidet .
• Abby is grateful for her brother-in-law.

TIME CODES:
1:54 - Abby & Ryan share their experiences of last episode
17:47 - Ryan, on monitoring his words more closely
30:57 - Abby's biggest growth opportunity this series has shown her: trust yourself
34:25 - Ryan's biggest growth opportunity this series has shown him: have courage
40:15 - Rupture & Repair
44:10 - You get to choose the words you plant in other people's heads
52:46 - Get curious about people

MORE DEETS:

• Join our tribe at patreon.com/truenorth11
• Get life coaching from Abby at IndigoCoaching.net
• Follow us on IG at @TrueNorthWithAbbyAndRyan
• Watch us at TinyURL.com/TrueNorth11YouTube
• Email us at hello@truenorth11.com
• Stalk us at truenorth11.com

🥐🥖🚽